December 19, 2011

A punch in the gut

Life sure does "happen", huh?  Sometimes it's the best feeling in the world (enjoying life) and sometimes it just unexpectedly punches you right in the gut... Right now, I'm trying to recover from the biggest punch in the gut —EVER (or should I say 'yet'?  I hope it doesn't get worse than this —yikes!)! :(

In order to respect a VIP in my life, I'm sorry, I can't share many details right now.  It's not easy —because my way of 'healing' is mostly through words (spoken and written).  All I know is that I don't know anything at this point.  Everything I thought I knew about life just laughed in my face.  It's a very isolating feeling.  Yes,  I have some great supportive people; however, I'm still the one that has to face everything and figure out a way to manage, to heal, to move on . . . to continue moving forward.

And worst of all, this is supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year".  Lord knows, I am truly grateful for the many blessings in my life —and I do mean many.  But sometimes it's hard to see how they outweigh the heartache(s) and difficult chapters in life.


December 13, 2011

It's my spine! -kind of important, you'd think.

I had an MRI on Thursday.  Boy oh Boy was that an experience!  I am claustrophobic... enough said?!  I'll just say that the MRI "tunnel", as I like to call it, was the absolute smallest space I have ever had to be in!! :(  I kept my eyes closed and sang all sorts of praise and worship songs in my head.  It was a very long 20 mins.  I survived.

The results:  I have a bulging disc in my lower spine.  I don't know the exact location (like L4 or whatever).  The person who called me didn't seem as informative as I expected.  She just told me "uh, Mrs. Mayfied?  You're MRI results are in and the doctor found that you have a bulging disc.  It's what's causing your pain.  You need to follow up with the pain management specialist.  Do you have any questions?" —UHHH . . . YEAH!! is what I was thinking.  I had to ask about being able to return to work.  I was just told "if pain is manageable, you can return to work".  Really?!  that's all?!  wow.

So, now knowing that something definitely is messed up in there, I was bummed and concerned, of course.  When I called the pain management specialist, the next available appointment, because I am a new patient, isn't until January 12th!!  What am I supposed to do about the pain and stiffness until then?! :(  How frustrating!!


I just don't know what else to do right now --other than continue strong pain meds, that aren't even working anymore... and rest as much as possible.  I plan on working this week.  I'm just not sure exactly which day will be my first.  I'm not sure how I'm going to manage.  I must rely on God —for healing, strength, motivation, and positive thoughts...

I must say, though, I have been absolutely amazed with the wonderful people in my life —such blessings.  They've gone above and beyond.  So kind and thoughtful.  So willing and quick to respond.  I am so blessed and thankful.

December 9, 2011

Out with the old and in with the new...

New way of loving. New way of living. New way of trusting. New way of parenting. New way of taking care of myself. New way of enjoying the holidays...

Here's to the new...

Lord be my light and continue to give me strength.)

December 8, 2011

M-R-ay! ay! ay!

I've been in bed since Tuesday. My back is injured. I don't know what is causing all of this -yet. I have an MRI scheduled for today, Thursday, at 6pm. I'm nervous. The doc scared me when he said that I have been risking paralysis --because I've just been pushing myself even though I can barely hold my own weight up (can barely, and sometimes can't at all, walk, sit, lay, move, laugh... Everything is very very hard to do right now -even just taking in a breath. :(. I pray for answers and some relief to happen soon.

It first happened on November 9 of this year. I went to The emergency room on the 10th, had bed rest until I went back to work on the 15th. It was super tough but it was the newest baby's first day and I really dislike closing. I barely managed. The last week of November was my vacation week and I could barely even take a car ride to buy a Christmas tree with my family. And then, finally, I had two days, December 4th and 5th, of being about 90% back to my norm; and then, because I felt so great, I decided to scrub my oven, on monday, and later sat on the floor with the babies... I was stuck. I couldn't move -again. I had hoped it was just stiff from cleaning and sitting on the floor. But no. I ended up reliving November 9th, and the days to follow.

So, I saw my doc on Tuesday and he said for sure 7 days of bed rest. Then we will go from there --depending if I can move yet or not. The MRI will show whatever is wrong or damaged and then I am scheduled to see a pain management doctor. I have no idea what news tomorrow will bring...

For now, I am taking Norco every 6 hrs and probably gaining 10 pounds a day. Lol. I'm learning to rest and let everything else just be...

(my God-sent, "other half", bff, captured this moment of "rest")

December 5, 2011

Oh-so-delicious Tortilla Soup

I made this tortilla soup last week; it was a HUGE favorite! ;)  I received this recipe from one of my sisters, this past summer (she made it and I just couldn't stop telling her how delicious it was!).  I'm so very thankful for such a yummy soup recipe.

~
Tortilla Soup

2 tbsp olive oil
1/2 onion, diced
4 or 5 cloves garlic
1 pablano pepper, seeded and diced - you can also use 1 bell pepper along with 1 jalapeno pepper, deseeded and diced
1 1/2 tsp salt
1 1/2 tsp ground cumin
1/2 tsp ground coriander
1 or 1 1/2 tbsp tomato paste
6 cups chicken stock (or broth)
1-2 chicken breasts
1/4 bunch fresh cilantro
juice of 1 lime


Boil the chicken breast and set aside to cool. When cooled, shred the chicken into bite size pieces.

In a sauce pan, heat the olive oil on med-high. Add the onions, pepper garlic, salt, cumin and coriander for 5 minutes, stirring regularly. Add the tomato paste and cook for 1 minute and stir. Add the chicken stock and bring to a light boil. When a light boil is achieved, lower to a simmer for 20 minutes stirring from time to time. Add the shredded chicken and simmer for 5 minutes. Add the cilantro and lime juice and stir well. remove from heat and cover to keep warm.

Some people like to add some crumbled tortilla chips to the soup when preparing to serve as well as shredded Monterey Jack cheese. Sliced avocado also goes well with it. 

~

ENJOY! :)

November 30, 2011

Not out of a can? Wow for me! (quick turkey chili)

This is how I made it:
2 tbs cooking oil
2 poblano peppers
1 yellow onion
1 clove garlic
2 lbs ground turkey
2 tbs cumin
6 tbs chili powder
1/2 tbs cayenne pepper
2 tsp salt
3-4 (14oz) cans of tomatoes
2-3 (14oz) cans of kidney beans

(actual recipe I started with:   http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,161,152191-240194,00.html)
heat oil (medium high).  saute the chopped onions, minced garlic, and poblano pepper.

add the meat.  mix it in well, letting the meat cook only slightly, and then add all the seasonings/spices.
add the tomatoes -mix well.

cover and lower to a simmer for approx. 45 mins (I let it cook for 30 mins).
add the beans and cover and let cook for 15 mins.  Then enjoy!

November 15, 2011

A little of this and a little of that

TTC:
Not pregnant.  my body teased me for a good week and a half.  :(  I guess I've just been under enough stress to throw my body off.  I'm supposed to go back to my doc this month but I'm just not sure if I feel ready to take the next step.  I believe we are going to be referred to the fertility clinic and I just don't feel ready for that --injections, frequent appointments, getting blood drawn . . . needles, needles and more needles.  I think I feel better ttc using ovulation tests this time around.  I've not tried that yet and I feel that is a more comfortable step for me.

KJ:
Growing, growing, growing... She FINALLY gained weight and kept it.  haha.  She just hit 42lbs, which for her, is a great milestone :).  She teeter-tottered between 36 and 38 since she was 4 or 5 years old.  Also, she is super excited that she got taller too :) --a whole 44 inches (3ft 8in)!  She's definitely catching up to me (I'm 5' 1").  KJ has lost a total of 4 baby teeth —with one more almost out.  Two adult teeth have grown in; we're still waiting on her two top front teeth.

Homeschooling is definitely more challenging.  I'm hoping to find some co-ops or something for her to get involved in.  She really needs to learn classroom etiquette.  It's been tough for me to implement "classroom rules"  here at home because I can't always give her my undivided attention during our school hours.  I would also love to get some online curriculum for her.  I feel so lost when it comes to local and online resources.  If you have any info or suggestions, please share.

A little bit of everything else:
I sprained my back last Wednesday.  How?  I have no idea.  I didn't do any one particular thing or movement that made me say "OH!  I just hurt my back...".  Nope.  All I did was my normal daily activities and slowly but surely it froze up and I couldn't even walk.  It had been hurting and feeling stiff for about 2 weeks but nothing compared to how I felt on Wednesday.  I went to the ER on Thursday, thinking they might need to make sure that I didn't break, fracture, tear, or mess anything up around my spine.  I got some really nice medicine (two injections and two pills), which included a sedative —pretty funny how I really don't remember much after leaving the hospital.  I was on bed-rest until today, Tuesday.  It's my first day working since last wednesday.  Today is definitely not easy, I'm still in a great amount of pain; however, I am happy to be able to walk slowly and function better than I did the last few days.  Oh, and Chris was an amazing husband and daddy :)  It started off kind of rough (I think he felt as though I was over exaggerating —as I crawled from the bathroom to the living room, crying...).  Once he picked me up from the hospital, Thursday evening, I noticed how much he really cared and how well he took care of me.  He cleaned, cooked, took KJ out and about, served me in bed, and got anything for me that was out of my reach.

I'm looking forward to our vacation days (black friday through the following wednesday).  I don't know that we have anything specific planned yet.  But I do know that I'm going to love having some time for the family :).

I feel as though there is much much more to update on -or just randomness to share.  But this entry seems long enough . . . a scattered concoction of my life.  So, until next time! :)



October 21, 2011

She's keeping a close eye on me

Kryssa keeps up with what I tell her.  :)

Yesterday, she tried to sneak past me.  When I asked her why she was sneaking, she slumped over and quietly said, "'cause I went potty and I don't want to wash my hands."  Needless to say, I went on explaining the importance of hand washing when dealing with bodily fluids.

So, today, after I finished changing a baby's diaper, I noticed that she kept watching my every move.  As I'm wiping down the changing table, she asks me, "MOM! . . . have you washed your hands!??  Remember, you're always supposed to wash your hands after dealing with potty stuff!..."  As I finish up and head to wash my hands, she says, "Now are you going to wash your hands?? . . . Mom, you know what Life Rule number 16 should be?  Always wash your hands after going potty or changing a dirty diaper"

So, take note people.  The official "Life Rule #16", according to the 7 year old:  Always wash your hands when dealing with potty stuff.


October 19, 2011

Life lessons 101: The tooth fairy does not always show up

Kj lost another front tooth. It probably caused the most pain so far. She kept biting down on it --ouch!! While eating cereal, she bit down on it and it fell right out. We were all relieved --no more spontaneous cries of pain.

Kjs tooth fairy (she knows it's us) has been leaving "cool money": dollar coins or a two-dollar bill. For the first time, of four teeth, the tooth fairy did not stop by on Sunday night. We had to explain to kj that tooth fairies are not allowed to visit children that have been misbehaving (it was pretty extreme on Sunday!) she was disappointed and Wasn't sure if we really meant what we said.

She's been working on having better behavior, in hopes that the tooth fairy could make time to swing by the next time she's in the area.

*now that she's missing her two front teeth, she says she looks like a vampire. Lol she hates vampires!!

October 11, 2011

Sad sad and not so sad

Today was tough. I received numerous emails regarding Miss K. Some were fyi's from her school and the others were from a case worker that thought she was still living here. Last week, I received a phone call (voice message) about setting up everything we would need to submit monthly records. I guess they are just as slow to pass along the update, that she no longer lives here.

I'm great during the day, taking care of the kids, homeschooling, prepping meals, etc. However, once everyone goes home and everything is quiet, it feels as though I fall into a huge dark hole of sadness. I need to stay busy. I don't even like the peace and quiet right now...music, tv, chit chatting --it all clouds my mind and helps me focus on the happier things around me.

Chris has been wonderful. With his new meds for his heart (I just realized I haven't blogged about *that* update yet), he's always sleeping. And when he's not sleeping he's extremely sleepy and needs a nap. But even with that new change, he's great -loving supportive, comforting, and the perfect comedian right when I need it. :)

I wonder how he's doing... I wonder how kj is doing?! I know I'm not the only one affected by all of this.

I know, I know, "this too shall pass". I think I need to find a new fun hobby or something. Any ideas??

October 10, 2011

Saying "Goodbye" and letting her go

I haven't wanted to write about this. I still don't feel ready, even now. But I feel it might help bring some kind of closure?...if that's ever even possible.

We knew that stepping into the world of fostering would not be "a piece of cake". But we knew that the joys would always seem to outweigh the challenges. This wasn't even anyone's fault -other than the differences in how the two states processed the paper work. It wasn't done in the way that we were originally led to believe. We found out at the last minute that how we thought the process would be was completely wrong. We couldn't take the next step. It wasn't the wisest choice for her or us. It's all about 'What's best for her'. And that's how it should be, of course; but it's definitely not easy. I'm sad, angry, resentful, and even a little bitter inside. How could this have happened?! Why couldn't we have found out a whole lot sooner. We knew that there was always a chance that we wouldn't be her parents long-term. It just all seemed to happen so quickly.

All her stuff is still in her room, as if she's coming home after school —like any other regular day. I keep her room door closed to help me adjust to the change. Tonight, I finally folded our huge laundry pile and I had a stack of her clothes that I quickly folded, placed on her bed, looked around for a few seconds, shut the light off, and closed the door behind me --then quickly put a smile on my face as KJ approached me with a normal question, "mommy, where did you find this necklace? I've been looking for it!". I had to show my little KJ that "everything is alright". I can't let her see my sadness . . . not yet at least.

Thankfully, she can still come "visit" with us --as long as it continues to work out for everyone (her, her family, our family, etc.) She's back with her previous family; which is really the best case scenario —she knows them, loves them, and she will be able to just continue her days as normal (going to the same school, continuing with her usual after school activities, etc.) I hope she understands. I hope she sees all the positive in the situation —How she can get the best of both worlds.  It's not "goodbye" forever. Just until she visits again.

I trust God's plan for us. We had kept this whole situation in prayer from day one. I have to trust that this is His perfect plan for everyone involved. (I like to remember how my mom encouraged me through the tough decisions. This is what I got from what she said: Even if just for a short season, it was meant to be the way it turned out. The time we all had together has influenced her and her future in very special ways...) I have to stay focused on what a wonderful young lady she has become and what a beautiful future she has ahead of her. We are forever grateful to have shared a part in her life.

Here's to trusting God for a beautiful future . . .




October 4, 2011

Eighteenth time's a charm

Right?!  Well, I at least hope it is.  I went from, last week, being able to see the faintest of faintest lines on my hpts . . . to, Sunday, starting my cycle two days early.  :(

In my "oh, I want to conceive!!" crying sessions, that I allowed myself yesterday, I felt God's love and comfort.  He comforted me in a way like never before —or at least I don't remember, if I've already said this.  He opened my eyes to a new way of enjoying this chapter in my life.  Have you ever felt words spoken to your heart?  They are the best.  In this moment, my heart ache and confusion went away:  "Enjoy the now.  Because once you conceive, life will never be the same again.  The life that you can enjoy now will no longer be.  The time that you have now for your daughter and husband will change..."  The heavy weight of sadness was lifted —immediately.  I felt refreshed . . . until the next wave of emotions.  BUT it was comforting to remember to "enjoy the now".  :)

Last night as I was cuddling with my love (enjoying the 'tingly love sensations' in the pit of my stomach) I was, again, reminded of what I have now... I had to share that moment, that I had experienced earlier, with him.  (It's similar to how we've been saying that we had NO idea how we would never get the "us" time back —after KJ was born.  We only had 2 yrs of "us".)  I really hope it comforted him as it did me.  I know his heart aches too —in ways, I will never understand.  With all the ups and downs infertility brings, (I don't really know what the "ups" of infertility are...??) the love I have for my hubby has only seemed to intensify.  Don't worry . . . I'm still normal —he still irritates the heck out of me. ;) lol  But I sure do love him!!


(my favorite scripture) 
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails 
1 Corinthians 13:4–8




October 3, 2011

Say the right thing

I read this article and found it very informative, useful, encouraging.

In this article:
WHEN A FRIEND HAS A MISCARRIAGE
WHEN SOMEONE GETS DIVORCED
WHEN A FRIEND IS INFERTILE
WHEN A FRIEND'S CHILD IS SERIOUSLY ILL

Parents.com
Say the Right Thing

By Andrea J. Buchanan

It's hard to know how to help when a friend has a miscarriage or fertility problems, or is going through a divorce. Here are the best ways to tell her you care.


When a Friend Has a Miscarriage

Lisa Bertrand, of St. Louis, felt sad and alone after her pregnancy ended at nine weeks. Her friends and family tried to be supportive, but some of their remarks were piercing and painful. "One friend said, 'The baby must have had a lot of problems,'" she recalls. "To me, it sounded like she was saying, 'It probably wasn't a perfect baby, and so what's there to be so upset about?'" What helped was talking to a friend who cried with Bertrand when she told her the news. "That friend really understood how I felt, and I ended up being the one reassuring her, saying, 'Don't worry; I'll be okay,'" Bertrand said.

No matter how clunky their reaction, most people genuinely want to make a friend who's lost a baby feel better. "Even the most insensitive things that pop out of their mouth are usually motivated by an impulse to make everything okay," says Ann Douglas, author of The Mother of All Pregnancy Books. With a miscarriage, what often gets minimized is the depth of the loss -- or at least that's how it can feel to someone who is hurting. "Even a very early miscarriage is the loss of a baby, and that causes grief," Douglas says. In addition, a woman who loses a pregnancy often feels guilty, as if it's somehow her fault. Friends who don't acknowledge what happened can compound that feeling. "If you aren't sure what to say, just say, 'I'm so sorry,'" suggests Douglas. "It might seem generic, but in most cases, it's the most appropriate thing to tell someone."

Don't say...
  • "It just wasn't meant to be." It's easy to be philosophical when it's not happening to you.
  • "Are you going to try again?" When someone's grieving the loss of an unborn child, she doesn't really want to think about another just yet.
  • "At least you know you can get pregnant!" Right. But she also knows she can lose the baby. Not something she wants to be reminded of.


Do say...
  • "I'm so sorry to hear about what happened."
  • "I'm here if you feel like talking about it."
  • "Can I watch your kids or run errands for you? I'd like to help in any way I can."


When Someone Gets Divorced

My friend Sarah separated from her husband when their son was 4, and she was stunned when a casual acquaintance reacted to the news with a cluck of the tongue. "She said, 'Oh, your poor kid' -- as if I hadn't thought of him in all of this!" When Katie Allison Granju, of Knoxville, Tennessee, first told people she was parting with her husband after three kids and 13 years of marriage, a clueless friend asked, "Have you considered counseling?"

The common thread in these reactions is the assumption that a friend who's getting divorced is overlooking something. But odds are that she's been considering this move carefully for a long time. No matter how resolved she is about her decision, though, a divorce still brings out all sorts of feelings: anger, guilt, shame, sometimes even a sense of relief. "The best thing you can do is listen," says Randi E. Platt, a psychologist in private practice in Philadelphia. "Emotions run high when a marriage breaks up, and your friend needs someone who can help her deal with her feelings."

Don't say...
  • "Was he cheating?" Never press for details -- it's none of your business unless your friend needs to vent.
  • "Did you think about how this will affect the children?" Yes, your friend has probably thought about this far more than you can imagine.
  • "My parents got divorced when I was a kid, and I used to wish they could get back together." Your story is not relevant -- unless your friend explicitly asks for your memories on this subject.

Do say...
  • "I just called to see how you're doing and to tell you I'm sorry that you've been going through such a difficult time."
  • "How are you holding up? Let me know if you'd like to meet for coffee."
  • "You're going to get through this."

When a Friend Is Infertile

When Andrea Young, of Richardson, Texas, grappled with infertility she heard all the classics: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant." "My brother's friend's wife took vitamin E and finally got pregnant." "You could always adopt." She got so used to these kinds of comments that she almost became numb to them. "But some really stung, especially ones that implied infertility was a weakness on my part," Young recalls.
If you haven't dealt with infertility, it's hard to understand how consuming and emotionally challenging it can be. Someone who can't conceive often finds it tough to be around pregnant women and new moms -- and her feelings of self-esteem are probably at an all-time low. Infertility can put a strain on a couple's relationship, and the medical treatment itself causes emotional ups and downs. "It's important to be extremely sensitive to how difficult the situation is for your friend," Platt says. If she wants to share details of the ordeal, be available to listen. But if she doesn't offer information, don't pry. Above all, take cues from her about what kind of situations she can -- and can't -- handle.
Don't say...
  • "I just know you're going to get pregnant soon!" Actually, you don't.
  • "That's awful. You must be so depressed." It's presumptuous to assume you know how someone else feels. And a person in crisis doesn't need to be reminded of her pain.
  • "My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant!" Talk about bragging -- and rubbing salt in the wound.
Do say...
  • "I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I could help."
  • "I'd love to hear about what's happening, if you feel comfortable talking about it."
  • "Call me anytime if you need to vent."

When a Friend's Child Is Very Ill

Melinda Wenner Bradley, of Glen Mills, Pennsylvania, was shocked by how one woman reacted when she told her that her toddler had cancer. "She said, 'Aren't you terrified?' right there in front of my older child," Bradley recalls. "What I wanted to say was, 'No, I don't have time to be terrified. And even if I was, I wouldn't want my kids to know.'" Now that her son's prognosis is good, she encounters people who talk about how relieved she must be that his illness is over. "I know they mean well," Bradley says. "But the reality is, cancer isn't ever over. He'll be undergoing tests every few months for years."

People are usually eager to help when a friend is dealing with a medical crisis. But unless offers of help are specific, they can be overwhelming. Since your pal will be spending a lot of time at doctors' appointments and the hospital, let her know exactly what you can do: pick up her other kids at school, deliver a hot meal for the family, or send an e-mail update to friends she doesn't have time to contact. She'll need emotional support as well, so tell her you're available if she wants to talk. And make sure she knows that your offer to help is not a one-time thing. "Be there for her on an ongoing basis," Douglas says. "It takes months -- even years -- for people to come to terms with a major event like a seriously ill child. Your friend will appreciate having your support over the long term."

Don't say...
  • "Oh, I know someone who had something like that, and he's fine." Unless it was exactly like that, please don't share. Also, never talk about kids who had a similar diagnosis and didn't make it.
  • "I hope it's not terminal." Not something your friend wants to contemplate right now. And if she does, let her bring it up.
  • "Is it contagious?" You may be concerned about your own kids, but this question sounds selfish and insensitive.


Do say...
  • "I'm sorry to hear your son is in the hospital. I'd be happy to pick your daughter up from soccer practice so you'll have one less thing to worry about."
  • "I've been thinking about you a lot. How are you doing?" Then make sure you really listen. There might not be anything more to say.
  • "I can sit with you, do some online research -- whatever you need, I'll do it." Don't be afraid to throw out ideas. She might be too freaked out to think straight.


When Someone Says Something Hurtful to You

If you're going through a crisis, and someone makes a remark you find inappropriate, you have every right to cut the encounter short, says Susan O'Doherty, PhD, a psychologist in Brooklyn. Say something like, "Thanks for your concern," and then change the subject. Or, if you're comfortable being more direct, say, "I'm sorry, I don't really feel like talking about this."

Copyright © 2008 Meredith Corporation. Used with permission from the July 2008 issue of Parents magazine.

October 1, 2011

A tooth is just a tooth...

Until it falls out!! Kj has a new empty space for another "adult tooth". And boy oh boy was she excited when it unexpectedly fell out. She had set up her tooth fairy pillow earlier this week...and now she got to use it again.
Thank you, mmmcrafts for the tooth pillow tutorial  !!

Finally a mobile app!

Now I can post on the go. :) because posts like these are OH-so important; right?!

Like us eating at CiCi's...
(well, she mainly likes to lick the Mac and cheese pizza. Lol)

September 8, 2011

I'm fertile . . . just not fertile enough.

I am very happy to say that my body has been working all on its own, no fertility meds, for three months now.  So, that's fantastic news . . . right?! 

I still cry.  I still mope.  I still wish it was me and not just everyone else around me.  I still stare at my belly in the mirror and try to remember what it was like carrying a baby in there.  I still feel every gas bubble and daydream that someday it will be movement of a baby in there.  lol  (I admit, that one is pretty pathetic.  haha)  We are right about to hit 17 months of ttc.  This was when I started to lose hope and give up the last time we tried to conceive —we stopped at 18 months...  I don't feel that I've lost hope this time.  I do have my moments where I try to accept the possibility that I may never have the chance to conceive another child; "That's just silly!" I tell myself over and over and over again.  "Maybe just not in the plan for my 20's...?"

Just to top off all the wonderful negative hpt results:  I gave in to the urge to test.  I tested on what was supposed to be my day one.  Listen to me when I say as soon as I put the cap back on the hpt, my day one started.  I'm not even kidding.  It was soooooo unkind.

So, today is day 3 and I'm staying optimistic. :)  I'm focusing on the wonderful children in my life and my adorable little Roxy-poo (which by the way, we celebrated her 3rd birthday this past weekend —we bought her some doggie ice cream cups.  It was adorable; we sang happy birthday and gave her the yummy treat.  She gratefully trotted off, with the cup in her mouth, to enjoy her ice cream outside!).

 . . . and life goes on.

Happy bday roxy

We've had her for exactly one year now, September 1, 2010. She is now three years old :)
She enjoyed her first doggie ice-cream as her birthday celebration treat. :)

August 22, 2011

My glass half full

Three out of four are currently sleeping.  I have a wee bit of time to get a blog post in.  :)  Those two sentences alone make me happy —hee hee.

First, here's my update:
Since my last post —God has carried my heart to a much calmer place.  I am strong.  I am loved.  I am able.  :)  What surrounds me will not define me.  I have choices, and for now, I choose to fervently wait on God.  I trust, in every way, that all areas of my life are right where I belong right now —to push me where I need to go . . . to what I need to become.

Personal goals —I was on my way to a 5k and then it quickly got taken away from me.  :(  I started running in May and had worked my way up to 2+ miles 3-4 times a week.  I had even started to enjoy the early morning, 5:30am, run --watching the sun come up and having some extra quiet time to myself.  Now, I am sad to say that I haven't run for a month now.  Today is exactly four weeks since my last run --the day I pushed my body just a little too much.  My shins are still in recovery mode.  The doc says I could have possibly fractured my shins (micro fractures).  I'm supposed to be working on getting the swelling back down and strengthening them back up.  The doc says that I will be able to run again —just not any time soon.  Oh, how I miss it.  And right now it seems as though EVERYONE on facebook is running . . . except for me. :(  So, I've revised my birthday wish list; instead of new cool toe shoes for running, I replaced that request with a new extra extra thick yoga mat and a door frame pull-up bar.  I will start a new routine of yoga and pilates in order to maintain the weight loss that I had worked so hard for.

TTC —still waiting to see two pink lines :)
Everyone and their mother A lot of people around us are pregnant or have conceived and already had their baby.  I am actually back to handling the annoying negatives quite well (if I may say so myself).  I didn't cry about the negative last month; nor did I cry when Aunt Flow unexpectedly stopped by for a visit.  That's progress!  I must say that I have been refreshed with new blessings through all of this.  A 9 wk old baby girl enrolled and started a week and a half ago, joining the 8 month old that has been coming since he, was only 8wks old!  Caring for and loving these babies (and 3 yr old) brings me such joy.  I am so blessed to be trusted with these little precious lives.  I anxiously wait for the day that I can experience these moments with my own precious blessing (a second time) —so for now, I am thankful for the many little blessings that have come my way.

KJ —our little Kryssa Joyce turned 7 on August 10th.  We celebrated with just family, us four and grandparents, on the 10th and then KJ got to celebrate with her friends on the 13th.  It was a wonderful celebration!  Just seeing all these little friends, most of which we have known their entire life, "hang out", laugh, and create memories —absolutely priceless.  Her theme was, of course, Puppy/Dog and she still talks about how it was the best party ever.  hee hee  The simplest things are sometimes the best. :)  Our fall homeschooling session has begun.  It's quite different than last semester but I will find what works best, again, and keep moving forward.

KitKat (aka Miss K) —Her family nickname was pickle --but now that she is a freshman, I figure one nickname would be better (she was given the name kitkat by her school friends).  She has been here with us 'full time' since around February and "officially" moved in during the week of May 8th!  Unfortunately, we still are waiting on the "legal stuff" to be finalized and then we will work towards adoption.  Volleyball season started about 3 weeks ago and I can honestly say that I never thought I would truly enjoy being a "soccer Volleyball Mom" --but here it is folks . . . I am loving every moment!! :)  Now, of course, fighting through traffic is never "fun".  But I am truly happy to support her during her games, scrimmages, tournaments, and even practices as often as I can.  I already lost a good portion of my voice just from cheering her on this past Friday and Saturday.  I tell her I am going to buy a SHOUT cone (from Party city) and decorate it just for her --I will proudly use it every chance I get.  hee hee.  Soon, my title will change to "Cheer Mom" --hee hee  I'll have to quickly learn how to make hair bows and cute hair styles.  (and whatever else cheer moms have to do).



This summer was definitely one to remember.  We had several road trips and numerous adventures as a new family of four . . . quite different!  I love the family that we have become.  I am so grateful for God's blessings.  Now that the school schedule is back in play, I should be able to sit and enjoy some blog time every now and then (as long as the children continue to nap all together). 

June 22, 2011

Let the waters rise

Things have changed...  Nothing "new"; just unfortunately repeating the same 'ol situations —again.  It's out of my control.  Now I just have to re-evaluate where I am in life and make my next step.  Not sure which direction to go.  Continue TTC?  Continue expanding my family?  It seems a little unfair to have this burning desire to conceive and just put it to an end —for the rest of this year at least.

I know God is holding me together.  I know I'm not alone in this.  I just find myself needing to remind myself "it's going to be okay; I don't know how —or when; but eventually everything will settle into place —the way it's meant to be..."



Mikeschair Let The Waters Rise Lyrics
Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?

sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
'Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach

God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

Ohhh

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

Ohhh

June 7, 2011

Canceled appointment

As sad as I am to post this . . . I figured an update is due.

I started my 'day 1' yesterday. [moment of silence]  I literally balled my eyes out.  It's been a long time since something like that has bothered me that much.  I immediately sent a text to Chris —hoping he would call and help me focus on the positive (sometimes I just can't do it alone).  He didn't respond in any way. ((sad face))  Next, I sent a text to the only other person I could think of that could totally relate and possibly help me shake it off and laugh again.  Sure enough!  :)  I told her how I was planning on hiding out in the bathroom for a while . . . just to cry it out —alone.  Her response, " . . .the bathroom rug is always a good spot to curl up.  Just don't get a hairball from all the long hairs that you leave on there :) ".  Her sense of humor was just what I needed  :)  Thank you!!

So, I had to cancel my appointment that was scheduled for today.  It is pointless for me to go in just to hear that the test is negative, when I already know that conception did not occur.  I don't think he would have done a sono because my body is working just fine ;)  I do, however, wish that I could have gone to use their scale.  That's how I've been weighing myself (I have one here but I don't know how close it is to the one at the office).  Oh well, I have another month to drop some more pounds  ;)

I will start my next cycle of clomid this Friday...  Thank you everyone for all the love and support.  It's made these 13 months of ttc not so bad.  :)

later gator!

June 2, 2011

Update: Day 26

My progesterone level came back as an 18 this month!!! I've been so excited about that news! Before clomid, my levels were less than 1. With clomid, my levels were between 1 and 1.9. With clomid + metformin my levels were a beautiful 5 last month and an even more beautiful 18 this month!!!
So I anxiously waited for chris to get home tonight with some hpt's...and the result was:

((sad, sad, face))

I'll test again at my appointment on Tuesday...

May 18, 2011

I can almost see the finish line

The adoption home-study is complete.  The "placement", foster/kinship, home study took place on January 20th; the first adoption home study took place on May 5; and now we just finished our final adoption home study/interview(s)!! I don't know how we got here so fast.  It feels like just a few months ago we were day-dreaming about her "official move-in".  Well, she moved in last week (as in ALL of her belongings are now here).  She's been living with us for almost three months now.  It feels pretty official --but we are just waiting on the "legal stuff".  We will have a mini celebration when we are confirmed as her 'legal guardians' —we will paint her room and buy her a new bedroom set (she already has her zebra decor, which she absolutely loves!)

It's so similar to waiting for the arrival of your newborn —setting up the nursery and daydreaming of what it will be like... but she's already here!  :D  We're just waiting to release our excitement once it's "official".

We are so blessed!  Thank you Jesus for your many blessings!!

May 13, 2011

Little white pills


I had my appointment on Tuesday.  It was confirmed that I am NOT PREGNANT.  But the doc was very happy that my 'day 1' had come and gone all on it's own.  Also, he said, again, how happy he was that the meds are working well for me.  :)

No sono this time because as long as I ovulate, he says, then cysts shouldn't form.  Also, I haven't been in any concerning pain in over a month!! :D  I'm a happy gal!

So, I'm back on the little white pills again —clomid and continuing metformin.  I'm not looking forward to the mood swings, fatigue, and hot flashes —but I am looking forward to ovulation day!! :D

Oh, and I completed my 30-day exercise challenge!  I started exercising on April 7 and at my appointment, on May 10th, I am happy to announce that the scale showed me brand new digits! —2 lbs lighter.  :)  It's not a whole bunch, but it's a start and I can definitely see and feel the difference it has already made.  I took a small break and have already started another 30-day exercise challenge on May 10th.  So, we'll see if this not only leads to a healthier life and look but also conception.  :)

later, gator!

May 6, 2011

May 3, 2011

Surprised —but not too surprised.

Not Pregnant.  (again Yet!)  ;)

I managed to sleep okay through the night and waited to test this morning.  As usual, I can imagine a line in that first window; but when I slap myself to reality, there is not a line in that first window...

Strange things happened to me after this:
I managed to fall back to sleep (I woke up at 6am, when Chris kissed me good-bye, and I just had to test!) after I tested but not before I checked my facebook.  I clicked through prom photos of one of my nieces.  She looked absolutely stunning, in my opinion.   Then I went to back to sleep.  My dream was wild...  My "stunning" niece was there and in her beautiful prom dress.  My sisters were all there (all 4 of them).  Chris was there and so were our two girls.  It was some sort of wedding rehearsal or something.  All in the middle of time traveling through my dream, I dreamt about taking this hpt and being soooooo heart broken and sad and not being able to tell anyone —because I didn't want to ruin the joy over the big event.  I kept "running away", literally.  Then someone would find me and drag me back to the event.  It was very strange...

I plan on testing again on Friday —once I'm up and ready to stay awake.  No more crazy dreams!

May 2, 2011

To wait or not to wait.... that IS the question [tonight]

Chris bought me some hpts and I was going to take on earlier today but then when I read the instructions, it did say if I am testing before missed period to test with first morning urine... so, I decided to wait.

But now I'm sitting here and the only thing I can think about is that the last positive test we had was a test I took at night.  Also, I'm finding a lot of positive test result images, on google, that showed up as early as 10 dpo. 

I feel that I should wait --just to get the best possible result.  I'm just not sure if I'm going to be able to get any sleep tonight...
 . . .
 . . .
! ! !

April 29, 2011

The results are in

My doc called and said the progesterone results came back as a 5.  Now, I don't know all the details to what exactly a 5 means —other than the fact that I was barely getting a 1 in my previous results and greater than one means ovulation has occurred (so the doc says).

So, what it basically means is that the new medicine is definitely working/helping.  :)  So, I'm more hopeful this time around than I've ever been.  I googled a result of five and didn't find anything.  I did, however, find information posted from other women that had results in the 20's and 50's... :(  I would LOVE to have a result like that.  haha

We'll see what happens in two weeks.  I'll probably test here at home —just in case there is some excitement to share with my love.

I'll keep you posted...

April 27, 2011

Day 21 has come and gone



It came quicker than I expected.  This entire month of provera, clomid, and metformin has just gone by without me charting and over thinking all my actions.  :)  I am very happy and thankful to be enjoying my days...I hope it lasts as it gets closer to my next doc visit —scheduled for the second week in May.

Will I be able to wait for my appointment without buying a hpt?!  We'll see...

I should be getting a phone call any day now from my doc about my day 21 progesterone check.  I'm excited and staying optimistic (as usual).

I'll share an update as soon as I get one  :)

April 5, 2011

And here are the results...

NOT PREGNANT.

Too bad the nurse hasn't figured out how to break the news lightly.  She peeked her head in and cheerfully, with a big smile, exclaimed, "It's a no.  Not this time.  I'm sorry . . .[awkward pause]. . . Okay?...[leaves and shuts the door]."

The sonogram, once again, showed a "beautiful" (as my doctor always says), closed, uterus and two "beautiful" ovaries (no concerning cysts).  It wasn't even April Fools Day but I sure felt like the worst prank -EVER- happened to me that day . . . Right when the doc started the sono, there was a menu screen up as the view.  Well, he said, "let's see", as he cleared the menu away to reveal the sono image.  And then he said "oh!".  I'm looking at the screen and my heart sinks.  The image showed a beautiful open uterus with a tiny tiny 'bean sprout' of a baby . . . (all this happened in about 2 seconds).  Then he pressed another button as he said "let's clear that and get to our screen...".  Then my whole world (that day) came crashing down as I realized that the image I had just seen was from a pregnant lady, before me, NOT ME.  The precious little 'bean sprout' was gone in a split second, only to reveal my never-changing closed uterus...

Since we are hitting our 1 yr mark this month (on the 12th), I was really hoping we could take a "new step" in this journey.  My doctor agreed and this is what I have going on right now:

Back on provera (for ten days.  I'm on day 5.)
started a daily dose of metformin
continuing 150mg of Clomid
I'll go in for my Day 21 check
Then I have a follow up appointment on May 10th, I believe.  :)  (hoping for the wonderful baby news!!)

I'm having to re-adjust to certain side effects.  I had forgotten about mood swings and insomnia with the provera.  By the third dose of it, I remembered.  So, I do my best to not drink any caffeine during the day, in hopes that extreme exhaustion will take over and beat the insomnia (last night was a success!!)  The new side effects for metformin have been an interesting challenge.  It really messes with my stomach!!  It makes for some hilarious moments of me running off at odd moments.  lol  ;)  You just gotta love infertility!! ::straight face::

Here's to the possibilities of conceiving in May! . . . the doc says that the Clomid/Metformin combo increases the chances of conceiving multiples —if that's true, then there might be a real good chance of me conceiving just ONE!! ;)

March 30, 2011

Thirty-three and counting

I'm, now 4 days late (today will be my 5th).  I caved and took an hpt yesterday.  I just couldn't wait until Thursday, for my appointment...

It was negative.  However, like I told Chris, "I can see a line on anything these days but I'm sure there wasn't even the faintest line...I think it's negative."  I'll be tested again on Thursday; plus, I'll have my routine sonogram.  :)


So, "FORGET YOU!", Big Fat Negative . . . Thursday, here I come!!

March 27, 2011

Could it be?!

I'm only one day late so far —today will be my second...  :D  I LOVE to imagine this being "it".  Only time will tell.  I am off on Thursday and will more than likely make an appointment to see my doc.  If I start before then, I'll see about getting back on Clomid and even starting the "hormone injections" he mentioned earlier this month.

It's unfortunate that PMS and early pregnancy signs and symptoms are so much alike.  I've been so crabby and emotional the last few days —I've been saying it's PMS...

Oh, the waiting game —once again.

A sneeze is [NOT] just a sneeze

I just want to say . . . how I miss the days when I could just sneeze without preparation.  These days, when I feel a sneeze coming on, I curl up in a ball as much as I can and hold my belly (in hopes that it helps my lovely ovaries feel like they are NOT being ripped out —like the ripping sensation of getting waxed!) . . . and then, literally, think "Oh, please don't hurt!!", as I cringe and wait for the explosion.

"AH-CHOOOOO!!!!!"

Tonight, I screamed so loudly, from the pain, I woke my sweet, sleeping, hubby up.  :(  When he asked "what's the matter?!" I was still frozen in fetal position and barely starting to have the flash of white fade away . . .(my eyes literally saw bright white and then solid darkness as the pain surged through from my left ovary all the way down to my toes)... the only response I could mumble out was, "stupid endo pain . . .".  I sat in silence (until he went right back to snoring —haha) and thought, "you know...I just want to sneeze without all this pain!!  A simple little sneeze.  How it's taken for granted..."

So, here I am, taking this moment to vent.  No, I will NOT let endo control my life . . . however, I will say how I TRULY, TRULY, WITH ALL THAT I AM, HATE what it seems to have taken away from me (aside from the obvious).  A sneeze, a cough, a simple stretch, or even the slightest switch in sitting and laying positions . . . blowing my nose, for goodness sake!! —that's supposed to be the easiest part of life, isn't it?!

Lupron, oh how I miss thee . . .

March 24, 2011

Roarrrrrr!

So you know how when you were a kid, and you were upset with your parents (because you were being punished for something), you would wish you were someone or somewhere else?! For example: wishing you had your best friend's parents or something... Well, today, KJ yelled out, at the top of her lungs, as she sat in time out, "I WISH I WERE ALIVE A LONG TIME AGO SO I COULD BE A DINOSAUR!!!" LOL (she's was probably wishing she could either roar at me or eat me! lol)

I had to literally hide in the kitchen, where she couldn't see or hear me, and I just quietly laughed away . . . . (the silent, body-shake, catch my breath when I'm done, kind of laugh!! lol)

I love you, my little Dinosaur! ;)

March 23, 2011

This is the stuff

Currently my absolute favorite song.  It will always get me singing and dancing --no matter what mood I'm in.  :D




Hopefully I'll even be playing it soon... ;)

March 21, 2011

Eleventh month: Day 24

I sure hope he finds us soon...  ;P


It's an exciting week for us! :)

I did, however, forget to go get my blood drawn on Day 21.  :(  I was sooooo sad, when I realized my forgetfulness later that night.  So, we are doing it the "old fashioned" way —waiting to see if I need to use a store bought hpt.  lol

My emotions are soaring.  More pregnancies are popping up around me while other pregnancies are ending (meaning plenty of pics of joyful mommies with their newly born baby).  As happy and excited as I am to be surrounded by such blessings . . . I'm still praying to get in on some of that excitement.  ;)

I'm thinking that I'll probably have to visit my doc in about a week or so.  Hopefully I'll have another update again soon.

:)


*I found the 'lost stork' image through a google search.  But it turns out that it's from a really great blog (which I now follow)...check out the blog Our Stork Got Lost  (which is something that I've been saying these last few months, hee hee).

March 4, 2011

Ready for this?

Let's start off with Endo and TTC on clomid:
We are now about one week away from hitting our 11 month mark.  I honestly can't believe it's been almost a year already.  Surprisingly, it doesn't feel that way.  So, last week, at my regular monthly sono, the doc spotted a large cyst again on one of my ovaries.  I haven't had anything that size since January 2010 —when I started Lupron for the endo.  I had my follow up appointment yesterday.  I wasn't allowed to start my next cycle of clomid (I should have started on Tuesday and been done tomorrow) because the doc wanted to make sure the cyst went away before I pushed the hormones through my body again.  I am happy to announce that the cyst was gone!  Praise God!!  It was a very very painful week --I pretty much know exactly what day and time the cyst ruptured because it was THAT painful (I literally woke myself up because I was moaning so loud -from the pain).  So, I'm glad that has passed.  Chris and I are staying super optimistic and hoping and praying for a miracle conception this month (without clomid)!  :)  Hey, it could happen...

The endo, is definitely starting to get on my nerves.  This is the longest that I have gone without suppressing my ovaries/hormones —so it's really starting to wear me out now.  Just a few days ago, when I was cringing with nasty endo pain, I actually had the thought cross my mind "maybe it's time to stop ttc and get back on Lupron..."  —it shocked me!  I absolutely want to conceive another baby.  I don't want to stop without conceiving this time.  I think the thought went away when the pain ended ::phew!::.  So, for now, it's almost day by day that I am making the choice to continue ttc.  Some moments I'm so ready to shut my ovaries off again and then other moments I'm overloaded with emotions of ttc.

On to a fantastic new topic...HOME SCHOOLING!!
Yes, that's right; we decided to home school KJ.  :D  I withdrew KJ from her public school two weeks ago, Monday, February 21, 2011.  It felt soooo unreal.  I had so many times, the night before, and the first few days, where I felt as though I was going to wake up and have this story to tell Chris, of how I had the opportunity to home school KJ.  But nope, it was definitely real.  :)  She was very happy with our decision.  And we couldn't be happier with all the improvements we have seen in just two weeks!  Praise God!!  We finally have our KJ back --helpful, full of manners and positive behavior, happy, and relaxed 6 yr old —exactly the way a 6 yr old should be!  I know not everyone agrees/will agree with our decision but we stand together in our decision and we are finding our system.  :)  I love the family God has blessed me with.  We work so well together these days.  I'm thankful for this opportunity to guide our child in the ways that are important to us, as Christ-followers.  :)  It feels wonderful to include scripture in her daily curriculum . . . to "tweak" the lessons to meet her specific level of learning!  I could just go on and on and on about all the wonderful changes we have been able to experience as a family.  But for now, that's all I'll say...


KJ

she is now in Karate and she is LOVING it!! :)  —so are we!  Their structure and core values that are taught, while there, amaze us and we pray that it will stick with KJ to help her become strong mentally and physically, confident, and dedicated.  :)  We have seen some great changes since she started (two weeks ago).

FAMILY
We will be having some time off together during spring break and we are super excited for that.  We are prepared for Spring Break with our season passes to Fiesta Texas, Sea World, and the San Antonio Zoo!  I'm really hoping to head up to Enchanted Rock (I believe it's called) and picnic with the girls.

Speaking of "girls" —still no official news on Pickle's move-in date.  She stays with us a lot more now but it still doesn't feel official  . . . I did, however, get a call, from the representative, to schedule another home study.  We shall see what comes of all of this.

It may be a while before I can update again —life just got even busier...I keep thinking "it can't get any busier than this" only to find out I was wrong.  ;)  God has some serious confidence in my abilities to multi-task . . . because he keeps blessing me with new opportunities.  I trust that I can handle it all . . . because I trust that he won't give me more than I can handle.  Maybe a little here and there for a challenge and test —but I'm ready; I've loving it all! ;D

February 22, 2011

You are not welcome back

Lilypie Trying to Conceive Event tickers
Another clomid cycle has passed —and the results, once again, have tested my emotions.  Today's visit also resulted in very concerning, bad, news...not only not am I not pregnant, and the doc doesn't feel that the clomid is even doing its job "properly" at this point (because I'm still ovulating really late), but the ultrasound showed a very concerning cyst on my right ovary again.  :(  So i have to go back next week to see its progress.  If it doesn't go away, I have to stop clomid for a while.  (Nooooooo!)  And if it's worse by next week, I might end up facing another surgery —ugh! In the name of Jesus --let the cyst be gone by next week.

I really had my hopes up for this month.  But I know I have to trust God and at this point I'm just more focused on next week's appointment —I need that cyst to be gone...

February 17, 2011

There's something in the air

2/17/11 updated "28 reasons why I love you"
I have to admit, now that we are on day 17, it's getting a bit harder to find specifics and not just "I love you!"  I love all sorts of things about him but to pick ONE to post everyday is a challenge...

1.  "I love your determination to be a strong, hard-working, leader for our family."

2.  "I love how you literally dance "like no one's watching" yet you know EVERYONE is watching —and you LOVE it." 


3.  I love that you let me talk your ear off. 

4.  I love that you bring "surprises" even while doing the most routine errand --grocery shopping.

5.  I love when you sing at the top of your lungs because you really truly LOVE singing...no matter how crazy you seem. Lol You're the best!!!

6.   I love you ... Because you're "moto-moto" [sexy] and you just always win me over -no matter what else is going on.

7.  I love that you still "dream big"!!

8.  I love you because you think I'm "the best" at all that I do. --and honey, that makes YOU the best!!

9.  I love how you surprise me with sudden acts of kindness . . . Like I've said, "you're like a fine wine —gets better with time"

10.  I love your confidence! (I love how you're so comfortable in your own skin —with who you are! I want to be like that some day...)

11.  I love you because you love me just the way I am... You've never asked me to change "me".

12.  I love you because you always strive to be better and better —you always plan "bigger and better" for our family.

13.  I love you because . . . we really do work well together. ;) "you complete me" hee hee (our strengths really compliment one another)

14.  I love you unconditionally for Everything you are! You amaze me —I love the man that you are today...

15.  I love how you show your love to us.


16.  I love the kid in you that still loves to do "fun" things and act like a crazy, out of control, kid!!


17.  I love you because you wake me up at odd hours of the night to "scoot closer" to cuddle.








2/2/11
Ah, that's right . . . LOVE.

I absolutely LOVE this month.  Here are just a few of my reasons:

1.  It's the most interesting month because its' only consistency is that it is not consistent (in it's number of days) like all the other months.

2.   Valentine's day —yes, every day should be about showing love and thinking of others, and so on.  But, I just love the fact that there is one particular day (or week, or weekend) where someone makes the time to plan something for their loved one(s).

3.  This is the month that my dad welcomed my wonderful husband into the family.  Valentine's day 2002.  Totally unexpected.  I will never forget that exact moment when he acknowledged him as his "future son-in-law".  :)

4.  I love that I can go to the stores and find an endless amount of cute lovey-dovey items to decorate my house with! 

5.  I love the excitement of Groundhog Day.  :)  (really, I do!)


Just recently, Chris asked me, "Why do you love me?".  Do you have your moments where you find yourself wanting to see what your "other half" sees in you?  Well, I totally get where he was coming from when he asked me.  Sometimes you just want to hear it all over again.  :)  So, I've decided to create a list for him throughout this month.  By the end of the month, he will have a total of 28 reminders of why I love him/what I love about him.  I know that I love him.  I know how deeply in love I am with him.  But taking the time to put it into words gives me a tingle inside . . . that "puppy love", "young love", newly married love.  I enjoy that feeling!  It reminds me to praise God for every moment of our journey together.

So, I'll admit that I've had this idea in my head for a long time now and just couldn't figure out how to tell him all the reasons without it being too corny (well I guess I can't tell him all of them . . . new ones keep popping up as time goes by) .  So, I have an opportunity now but I just started it today; I wish I would have started yesterday.  So, I posted two for him today:

1.  "I love your determination to be a strong, hard-working, leader for our family."

2.  "I love how you literally dance "like no one's watching" yet you know EVERYONE is watching —and you LOVE it." 

What are you planning for that "special" someone?  What are your favorite things to do during February?


Here's a challenge:  Express your love to 'your love' during the next 28 days.  C'mon, what's the worse that can happen?  You fall deeper in love?  ;)




With much love,
Michelle

February 16, 2011

All in 2.5 hrs

what...an...evening! I rushed to get Pickle from her after school care—only to still be charged a nasty late fee.  It really frazzled my evening. I've never had any type of late fees at an after school care program! :(  --at least it was a sweet little elderly lady (it sugar-coated the late fee. haha)

We picked up Pickle's new charm bracelet (her bday gift from us, grandma&grandpa, and auntie and uncle) from Jame's Avery —we were all super excited to see it on her wrist.  :)

I signed KJ up for an introductory karate class.  They don't give prices out —BUT they do give a free session --for whatever reason.  I'm guessing they want the child to want it badly and beg even if the price is too much to handle?  So, I took the bait and KJ will have her very first session (approx. 45mins-1hr) for free! :)  After we get an idea of what its like and how she feels about it, then we will be faced with the price.  :)

After about 5:30pm, my phone got busy . . . I handled -what felt like- a billion phone calls and texts (from family, future business, Pickle's school, Pickle, friends...).  Plus, I was expecting two different people to come over tonight —one to leave a dog for us to dog sit and possibly adopt if we end up enjoying the dog-sitting experience, and another for business.  Both of them had to reschedule.  So, it gave me some time to breathe and enjoy dinner (phew!)

Once we got back home, we got straight to our nightly routine: clean house, shower and bed time for the girls, prep for tomorrow . . . now for the best part . . . rest, relax, and sleep!

I really think it was the late fee that made the evening feel like a full day.  It just frazzled me up and turned my stomach —having to pay $1 per minute I was late -each passing minute felt like 10!! :(  Oh well, right?  I just need to do everything in my power to avoid another one of those (that's why late fees like that exist; and let me tell you . . . THEY WORK! —lol)!

Praise God for not giving me more than I can handle.  :)

goooooooood night.

February 15, 2011

Oh, the sweet, sweet sound...

...of my doctor telling me that I ovulated!  :)

This was me, doing my happy dance, when I got the call.
I went on Friday, for my usual blood work.  I got a phone call on Monday, saying that the results are too low —it showed that I didn't ovulate and he wanted me to go in again, Monday, to get a 're-do'.  Well, I got the phone call today that I ovulated!!  He said that I'm just ovulating "late" but that it's still good news that I'm ovulating.  It SURE IS!! :D

So, I will go for my scheduled visit on Tuesday, the 22nd, and hopefully . . . just maybe February is our month! ;)



*Oh, and my endo has stayed under control, Praise God!!

nighty night.

February 7, 2011

Yeah, I'm talking to you!

OVARIES!  Now listen carefully, it is right about time to release an egg . . . you can do it!  Apparently, you like to be three days late —and that's truly fine with me.  Just as long as you don't over sleep . . . or whatever you do during the other 28-30 days.

And you, the other part of this equation . . . yes, 'little swimmers', I'm talking to you now.  Listen up!  There's no time for playing around —no hanky panky; you hear me?!  You swim straight to that egg and you make it happen!!  I mean it!

It's been almost 10 months, this time around, and both of you have just been messing around and teasing me.  I've had just about enough.  So, be on your best behavior and remember what I've told you.

January 31, 2011

What is it? . . . fourth time's a charm?! Yeah, that's it!

Today I am on day 4 of my fourth cycle of Clomid.  Again with 150mg, since it worked last month.  At my appt., my doc figured out that I must have ovulated on day 17 instead of the usual day 14.  So, he adjusted some dates to "keep in mind" ;P and I sure hope to have baby news in February.  :)

So far, the last cycle and this cycle of Clomid, right around the third and fourth day, I start with the "I might be ready to stop the Clomid.  I don't know if I want to continue with these side affects..." (insomnia, hot and cold flashes, dizzy spells/light headed, irritability... lately, the insomnia with the hot and cold flashes, combined, has been the worst for me -because then I wake up feeling like I only slept for 15 mins...then I'm irritable...lol it's a nasty cycle [but almost over!]).  Now that I know it's just those two days, out of only five, I can mentally push myself to make it to day five --because then I get super excited.  So, today, I'm telling myself, "okay, after tonight's dose, I'll only have one more dose . . . you can do it Michelle!!  It's so worth it!  Just one more day . . . just one more day...".  Every tear, hot flash, and mood swing reminds me to think towards the future --of possibly conceiving.  I love my dear husband, how well he loves me through my tears, mood swings, and hot flashes.  I know God is blessing our marriage through all of this.  I am so in love with him.  My 'love tank' is definitely full.  :)  Praise God.  (I pray his is too...)


I'm starting to feel a bit repetitive with these ttc updates.  I just might have some posts here and there with a quick and straight to the point post: "NOT PREGNANT YET..." 
hahaha  ;P

So, until approx, Day 22 or 23 (after my next progesterone check).

Happy [Baby] Trials to you!  ;)

January 24, 2011

Back so soon?!

It was exciting while it lasted . . . being "late", I mean.  I, unfortunately, got my 'Day 1' today.  I was 3 days late and I was loving every moment.  But it came to a sudden halt...

Yes, I cried a bit.  I didn't expect it at all!  I find myself wondering if it's because I literally ran KJ to the bus stop this morning —was that too much for my body to handle?  or did I really just not conceive again?!  (I'm sure it really had nothing to do with running; but after all the [little bit of] running, my stomach started cramping up really bad, endo pains and all!  I knew I shouldn't have over exerted myself --just because I'm so out of shape and the endo is not nice to me at all when it comes to being 'active' in any way.  :(

So, I'm honestly not excited for my appointment, this Friday, at all.  I don't see the point in going and seeing my empty uterus, again, for what feels like the millionth time (it's probably more along the 20th time or something —18 months of ttc from '07-'08 + the current 9 months of ttc).  Do I reeeeeally have to go and test my emotions?!  :(  I don't wanna!! ::stomping foot, arms crossed::

I cried when I told my hunny . . . because I know how much he would have loved for me to tell him that I saw TWO babies on the ultrasound!! hee hee :)  He was, once again, sweet, loving, and encouraging.  I guess it's not the end of the world.  KJ starts her swim lessons back up tomorrow, Pickle is staying with us this week —so her basketball and cheerleading (now on top of KJ's swim schedule) will keep me busy enough to get through the week and get ready for Friday.  Clomid.  **the optimism in me plans on ordering the Clomid after my appointment . . . just in case it's due to implantation...  ;)  Hey!  a girl can dream, right?!  Or maybe I'm just going crazy now . . . or maybe it's Hope and Faith . . . who knows; but I'm waiting until after my appointment before I order and take any more Clomid.  :)

As always, I'll update soon.

PS I don't have an update yet on the Home Study (assessment).  We are anxiously waiting for that, too...

January 20, 2011

I'm not dreaming


Yesterday evening, we had our first home study to pursue "kinship" of our young friend (second daughter), Pickle!!  (is that how you say it "pursue kinship"?).  We are going to Foster her and then pursue adoption.  I always thought it was just "foster to adopt" but last night we learned that we will become her "kinship Caregivers".  BUT the fantastic news about that change in 'wording' is that we don't have to be certified to foster before she can move in! :)  We were thrilled when we found out!!!

(I want to also mention KJ's response to the Consultant when asked, "How do you feel about having an older gal come live with you?" KJ said, "I feel great about it because I don't really want to have just my imaginary friends anymore or just my Build-A-Bear friends to play with.  I want to have a real friend here at home..."  it made my tear up and giggle all at once.  I love my KJ and pray everything goes through so she can do away with all of her imaginary friends (if she wants to)...)

The actual home study was a bit intimidating (I had prepared myself for that).  But overall, it was a great experience.  It's so amazing to see how God just lines people up to come in and out of your life for very specific reasons! :)  You want to hear how some of this has gone?  Let me share:

I'm just going to start at meeting my husband, Chris.  Which led me to meet Jessica (a friend of Chris's).  6 yrs after meeting her she posted on fb a job opportunity to work with her at a Boys and Girls Club.  I got hired.  :) a little over a year later, I became the Teen Program Director (and worked with the teens and preteens).  That is how I met the young lady! :) but wait!  It keeps going...

I had the opportunity to work back at home (providing Home Childcare).  I resigned but was able to leave my business info for the parents.  The young lady's [foster] mom used my childcare services quite frequently, allowing us the chance to get to know more about her and the opportunity to Foster to Adopt her.  Okay, so now we are pretty much up to date -- however, last night, the Home Study Consultant that was hired to do our assessment was not only a kind-hearted mother of 3 children . . . she home-schooled all three of them! (one in college, another 16, and the other is 13 or so)  —I have really really been praying about getting the opportunity (convincing Chris to 'let me'/be supportive) to home school KJ.  So, the Home Study Consultant was so open to share info with me about it and she was even kind enough to say such wonderful things about home schooling to Chris!  He heard first hand, from someone that had plenty of experience (or at least I feel that she has had great success!).  So, she said she would love to help me get started, share the curriculum sites (or something like that) that she uses —and even go over and check out their "school room" and "library"! :)

I was on cloud 9 last night!!  I just couldn't contain myself.  As soon as the lady left, I just leaped into Chris's arms (as much as my [much larger] body could) and held back the tears of joy.  :)  I told him, as we got ready for bed, basically up until my very last words before I konked out, "I'm so thankful to feel this happy right now.  After all we've been through, over the years, with ttc, I feel like I DESERVE TO FEEL THIS JOY RIGHT NOW!!!" (I hope that doesn't sound too snobby or anything —it's just that I always wondered if only the news of conception would fill that hole . . . that sadness . . . that desire to have another child.  You know what I mean?  Finding out that the paper work would be submitted by Friday just gave me the biggest rush of happiness and joy.  The kind lady said, after she was done with her assessment, that she doesn't see anything preventing us from fostering her and that she will have the paper work submitted by Friday and give us a call.  :)

All I keep thinking is, "I'm not dreaming . . . this is for real!!"  :D  I wish I had more words to express how in awe of God I am  . . . how all the strange looking puzzle pieces of our life (all the sad and most challenging life experiences) are finally being matched up and fitting into place.  I honestly don't know if I could be any happier right now.  (although, the thought crosses my mind frequently, "wow, how would you feel, Michelle, if you find out you're pregnant the same month that you become a foster parent to a 14 yr old?!" lol I told Chris that I would know that God wanted to truly bless us with every desire of our heart and that it would be our reward for fighting through all the tests and trials that have come our way --and, with God's love and care over us, we have successfully passed! :)

Have a wonderful Thursday and I will definitely post an update as soon as I have one.

PS. I believe that I previously mentioned having a Dr.'s appt tomorrow, Friday.  But I was thinking ahead . . . it's not until the 28th (literally around the time that Pickle is supposed to be moving in).  So, if you're looking forward to the doc update, you'll just have to wait another week.  sorry. (trust me, I'm just as bummed about having to wait an ENTIRE week! :P  )