December 8, 2010

Clomid: round 2 in 2010 (100mg)

I'm done with this round.  I have mixed feeling about it all.  For some reason, I just wasn't really thinking, I took my first dose of Clomid on Day 1 instead of Day 5.  So, I spoke with the nurse and she said to stop and wait until Day 5 —to just take the remaining 4 doses (instead of a total of five).  So, a part of me feels that "if it's meant to be it will be"; however, a part of me feels that I really messed up my chance for this a wasted cycle...a waste of trying!  :(  BUT . . . I trust God and I'm doing my best to stay focused on other things.  It told myself to stop marking every little thing down and to stop counting every single day that goes by.  I don't have a count down this month.  It's actually gone by a bit faster —either because there are so many other things going on, or because NOT counting every single day is working.  :)

It hit me yesterday . . . how it feels as though everyone around me is preggo —which I know is not true, but if it's not a newly born baby update it's a preggo update.  I love them, I do!  It's my chance to be reminded of all the little details.  I think I had just brushed it off for long enough and yesterday was the day it just hit home.

I have to remind myself though that I'm in the middle of a WONDERFUL thing —to expand our family through Fostering to Adopt.  I have to just keep moving forward because in as little as 3 months, we could be a family of four! :)  I joke with Chris, saying, "I bet once we get [her] that we'll soon end up pregnant!  It just works that way, right?!" lol

I'm looking forward for the rest of the month and I'll have plenty to update next time I blog.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Holidays...

November 10, 2010

First round of clomid in 2010: Day 24

Even though it's "technically" day 24, according to 'the signs', it's more like Day 18 or so.  It's really confusing.  :(

I didn't get a chance to go get my progesterone check on day 21.  So, I'm just going to take a hpt on Nov. 15th and/or on Nov. 21.  I have my next appointment on the 19th of November —so now thinking about it, they will do a test then.  :)  (saves me a test strip!! hee hee)

Every time I've looked up other peoples' experience(s) while on Provera, the majority says NOT to start counting Day 1 with spotting.  However, my doc was very specific when he said to start counting day 1 with the slightest sign of spotting . . . strange.  So, it's super confusing because my "days" say one thing but my body says another.  I had NO signs of ovulation around the days my doc told me to count.  So, I don't know what to expect.  Maybe it's a good thing?  Give me more hope than just going according to the days my doc told me to count (because it would probably not show a change in hormones on that day 21).

I am, however, ready for all the fatigue, aches, and soreness to go away already!  yay for good signs of ovulation . . . those are good signs, right? (from what I read...)

October 27, 2010

TTC update

Day 10!  I survived the first round of Clomid.  :)

side effects were manageable; although, I'm not too sure how Chris and KJ felt about dealing with me during the last 16 days...

What I experienced:
On Provera
Super sleepy --as in falling asleep sitting up and NEEDING to nap!, nausea, serious acne ::ugh!::, dizziness, ''the shakes'' --from an anxious nervous feeling, and a nasty pain in the pit of my stomach --not wanting to eat very much because of it (and from the nausea)

Clomid:  headaches (right side of my head only -hurt like a migraine --which I haven't gotten in years.), mood swings (really irritable --could have been from PMS too though so who knows which is worse), random crying (for the most insignificant things I'd see and/or hear!!  -some times, I just ''felt'' a lump in my throat/a need to cry...haha it's been interesting!!, fatigue (not nearly as extreme as the drowsiness during provera), and some serious hot flashes (which reminded me how thankful I am to be off of Lupron!!)

I think my body will get a small experience of 'normalcy' (whatever that means) for the next 11 days or so (except for nerves and anxiety of waiting for day 21 --progesterone check, a.k.a. blood work to see if I ovulated (if the clomid did its job))

11 more days . . .  :D

October 26, 2010

Shame on me?

I tried it and it worked!

Every time I get a knock on my door I figure that I should check in case it's a neighbor or an ''out of the blue'' friend stopping by?  —there seems to always be someone knocking trying to sell or sign us up for something!! ::UGH!!::  So, it makes me think, ''Should I just stay away and peek through a window to check? . . .''  I HATE being so awkward in *my* house!  So, today, I hear a knock, I hear voices (more than one person), I peek out the window (my peep hole is currently covered up by our wreath) and see a briefcase in someone's hand—definitely not a neighbor or friend of mine; so, I yell out, "who is it?" They reply "Hi, Jehovah witnesses." I politely say, "oh, no thank you; Have a nice day." Then they said "okay, thank you" and walked away.  I always felt it would feel so horribly rude --maybe it is but it's MY house and I can't stand opening up my door for solicitors —no, I don't want items, club memberships, subscriptions, or any type of service right now (nor do I want to hand over my money right at the moment that they appear at my door —most want you to do whatever it is it immediately, no website to order at a later date or anything!).  I used to open the door to be polite and then just stand there waiting and waiting for the 'sales pitch'/'intro speech' to be over with just to say, "oh, no thank you..."  However; lately, either I'm just super moody or people's jokes and sense of humor is waaaaay out of date with me (or is it that *I'm* way out of date for the current sense of humor?! haha.)  Well, I finally spoke through the door to avoid opening up my door to a stranger . . . it didn't feel rude, not opening the door . . . Shame on me?

I REALLY need to put a sign out...

October 22, 2010

Back on Clomid today

TTC #2:  6 months and 10 days

Today I took my first dose of clomid for 2010.  I've had mixed feelings for about a week now.  I'm nervous —like it might work or something!  LOL  I mean, I always hope it does; however it hasn't ever worked for us (not worked as in conceived but 'not worked' as in it never got me to ovulate).  I try to stay optimistic with some realism mixed in...

It says there is a chance of weight gain . . . does everything HAVE to say that?  I really don't want to gain anymore weight unless there is a baby growing inside of me!  I make a mental note just about every 5 mins —"stay in control of your emotions . . . be loving . . . be kind . . . it's going to be ok..."  I just remember being on clomid in 2008 made me feel allllll sorts of extreme emotions.  I don't want it to be like that again.  So, I'm trying to psych myself into staying calm and being ok.  :)  We'll see how it works out...ha.

I think I ate something bad yesterday (old food out of my own refrigerator!) and I've been recovering from that since yesterday.  So, it's hard to really tell how the meds make me feel (if anything at all).  I normally try to see how I feel with anything that I am taking.  So far, so good. 

October 8, 2010

Life on Clomid --'Take Two'

I had an appointment with my doc this morning.  Took another pt --negative (which I had already prepared myself for).  Even he said that when he saw me walk in, he thought to himself, "Hey! I hope she's pregnant!!"  So, he was actually empathetic . . . he is a very kind-hearted person.  I love that he is my doc.

Well, I told him I am ready to try clomid again.  He agreed it was time to get back on it.  He said that I will start provera today and then clomid on days 5-9 get my blood work on day 21 and see him 6 wks from today.  I remember the very interesting Clomid lifestyle.  Everything revolves around "what day it is" (first you look forward to day 10 of provera, the last provera pill before you hope to get a cycle.  Then day 1 is a big excitement.  You get excited for day 5, first clomid pill, and for day 9, last clomid pill for that cyle (which you pray is your last one ever!).  Then you hope that day 14 went as planned (ovulation day).  The most anticipated day, for us, has always been, 21 --the day you go in to get your blood drawn to check if you actually ovulated (last time I never ever did.  But I'm praying for different results this time around!).  After you get your results (normally the next business day or so) -if it shows you ovulated then you wait ANOTHER week to take a hpt.  if it showed you didn't ovulate, then you just start alllll over again.  That's one way to look back at your life and wonder where it all went --so busy charting everything and looking forward to all these different days, you can forget how to enjoy each and every day you are given with the family you are blessed with.  I think, since I've already excperienced some life on Clomid, that I'm ready to stay focused differently through it all.

This time, however, the doc says that we will "tackle" it.  We have to start off slowly --we can't just start back up where we left off (we were about to triple the dose).  But instead of several rounds of a single dose, and then several rounds of a double does, he said that we will do one round of single --if that doesn't work we will double the 2nd round and if that doesn't work we will triple the next round and so forth.  Now, I don't know how many times we will be adding up doses because I do know that that higher the dose the higher the chances for multiples... *I did used to pray for twins --since I was 6 years old . . . all the way to . . . now ::blush:: --call me crazy, that's okay ;)  After trying clomid, if it is unsuccessful, he said he would refer me to a local fertility clinic to start IVF (we found out our insurance covers up to a certain amount --so we at least aren't limited to just clomid).  I'm praying that 'plan B' (clomid) will be enough to conceive . . . hopefully still in 2010.  If not this year, then God willing, at least in 2011.  :)

So, when I called Chris, I basically warned him . . . here comes the "crazy"! lol  I remember how nuts the whirlwind of hormones made me feel.  I think I at least know what to expect a bit more this time though --plus, maybe the "crazy" from Lupron is nothing compared to the "crazy" of Clomid...  I'll try to blog updates for anyone interested.  :)

Happy FRIDAY!!

September 23, 2010

KJ has a "boyfriend"...

It was approximately 6:45am, while KJ was smacking on her honey-drizzled waffle, and I was fixing her hair, when out of no where we have a conversation that went something like this:

KJ:  "Don't tell my teacher I have a boyfriend, okay mommy."  (It's almost like she just couldn't even hold it in anymore --it just spilled right out.
Me:  "Don't tell your teacher what?!"
KJ:  "I have a boyfriend."
Me:  "What's a boyfriend?" (wondering if she even knew what she was getting herself into, at SIX!)
KJ:  "I don't know; what is it?"
Me:  "Well, what do YOU think it means?"
KJ:  "dating?" (we had already explained what a "date" was when she was five --as in a 'daddy daughter date night' or mommy and daddy going out on a 'date'.  So, I knew she knew what that meant.)
Me:  "Okay, do you remember what that means?"
KJ:  "Spending time together."
Me:  "Did you know that people are boyfriend and girlfriend and date when they are thinking about getting married?  Mommy and daddy were boyfriend and girlfriend right before we got married.  We 'dated' before we got married."
KJ:  "Oh!  really?  I didn't know that what it meant" (she looked shocked and totally not interested in being someone's girlfriend right now)
Me:  "yeah, when you're older, you date and spend that special time with someone as their girlfriend because you are thinking about getting married and you want to get to know that person really well.  It's something you do when you get older.  Do you think you are ready to be someone's girlfriend right now?  Are looking to get married right now, at your age?"
KJ:  "No, mommy.  I didn't know that.  I don't want to be boyfriend and girlfriend!"
Me:  "So, you just need to tell him that you don't need to have a boyfriend right now and that maybe he could be your really good friend, if he's a good person.  Tell him that six year olds don't need boyfriends just friends and best friends!"
KJ:  "But I told him no at first, mommy, when he asked me to be his girlfriend and he started crying!  So, then I told him I would.  And then Nathan said he was going to tattle and tell Ms. Mann.  So, you can't tell Ms. Mann, okay mommy.  She doesn't let us be boyfriend and girlfriend."
Me:  "Well, sometimes it will make them sad, when you say no because they think you don't like them and that it hurts their feelings but it's okay.  You just need to explain to them that you don't need to have a boyfriend right now.  Even if it makes them sad, you let them know that you will still be their friend.  Maybe you should let them know what we just talked about --how people date and have boyfriends and girlfriends when they are older and looking to get married.
KJ:  "okay" (smacking away on her waffle, totally normal like we are just discussing grocery shopping or something.)
Me:  "And you shouldn't keep secrets from your teacher because you have to remember that she is there to make sure you stay safe.  If she doesn't think it's a good idea for first graders to have boyfriends and girlfriends then I'm sure she has a good reason for it too.  Mommies and daddies don't want their first graders having boyfriends and girlfriends either.  It's important to follow your teacher's rules, right?
KJ:  "yeah, you're right mom.  I'll just tell [him] (I don't even remember the boy's name) that I'm not his girlfriend anymore."
Me:  "that's a good idea, Kryssa.  You know, it really means a lot to me that you talked to me about it.  It's great to be able to talk to eachother like best friends, huh?  You can always talk to me about anything, always remember.

I gave her a kiss on her forehead and said, "you know I love you very much, right?"
She gave me a silly little face and 'tissed' away as she said "yeeesss."  :)

I ran upstairs to "grab her socks" --I really ran upstairs to giggle about it and tell her daddy!! lol  It caught him way off guard.  haha.  All he really said about it was, "GRRRREAT!!!!" (sarcastically, of course)

My mom got a good giggle from it to and said, "so, she's already made a boy cry over her . . . she's broken her first heart."  lol

I'm glad it's a funny little story.  However, I'm more thankful to God that KJ didn't think to "not tell mommy" the way she was trying to not tell her teacher.  :)  I've always prayed, just about as soon as I found out I was having a girl, that she would be able to come to me to talk about ANYTHING!!!  So, I think it went very well and that she felt comfortable enough to come to me again, in the future (far future, hopefully!!)?  I know she's only six and this may not seem like a big deal but after working with after-school aged kids, I am well aware of the things they start "not telling" as young as four!!  So, I wanted to make sure to not make her feel "in trouble" or that it was "wrong".  Maybe my whole "dating is for when you are looking to get married" explanation will keep her focused on other things and NOT BOYS until she's . . . oh, at least 15 or 16?!  That's a reasonable thing to hope for, right?!

September 22, 2010

::inhale...exhale:: Ah, blogerpy.

'blog therapy' that is...

Today's Wednesday.  The part of the week where you know you're so close to Friday —you're going to make it!!  Yet, you have to just remember to breathe ...

I am on day 48 and I've had two negatives.  Something needs to happen soon.  Even if it's just another cycle to let me know my body hasn't shut down again.  I'll be making a doc appointment soon —we just found out that our insurance covers IVF treatments (up to a certain amount) and we want to see what our next steps should be.  I don't think he'll recommend IVF as the next step; I think he'll start me on clomid again first and then go from there.  I think I'm okay with that now.  I think I'd rather be emotional due to adding crazy hormones in my body (with the hopes of conceiving) rather than being crazy emotional due to the LACK of conceiving —AGAIN! :(

I'm tempted to find a support group.  It's getting tough again.  That's why I had originally thought to only try for 6 months and then stop for 6 months and then try again, and so on.  I remember how hard it was back in 2007 (it seemed like, in that 18 month period of TTC, that EVERYONE and their momma conceived!! haha).  It was super tough, emotionally, mentally, etc.  But we decided to not stop trying and now I'm starting to feel it . . .

I know, I know, it's God's timing and He has the perfect plan for us . . . but I'm human and it's normal to feel what I've been feeling (so don't feel sorry for me and don't get worried about me).  I just choose to blog because it's what works for me :).  I figure, I'll share what I go through (to an extent), in case anyone is 1) curious, 2) experiencing the same situation, and 3) nosy!! hee hee.  ;)  I know I am.  I'm always curious to read about people's life and their experiences they choose to share.  So read away!! :)

KJ will be starting swim lessons on October 11.  :)  We are all very excited for that!  I told her as soon as she learns how to swim we will put her on a swim team, if she' like.  She was very excited about that.  "Will we have races?" she asked . . . when I told her "yes", she got super excited and said she couldn't wait to learn how to swim!  :)

We are a bit concerned about her school behavior.  On average, she's been getting about two marks a week —ranging from talking to not getting her work done (the main main MAIN one being 'talking' --hmmm, I wonder where she gets that habit from?! ::blush::)  She knows better and she always tells me what she needs to do differently (and she has consequences here at home --getting grounded, no tv, not video games, sometimes no dessert) yet, her actions don't show that she cares or really 'gets it'.  :(  Any suggestions would be FANTASTIC!!

I don't know if I've mentioned it yet but we got a family dog.  Her name is Roxy, a two year old weenie dog.  :)  She's a lot of fun but needs some basic manners (like no play biting and keep her scratchy paws of of people).

Optimistic view on not being pregnant yet:  I've lost 5.5 lbs!! :)  As long as I'm not pregnant, I might as well be shedding some unwanted weight.

Recently, I've been more of a homemaker rather than a home childcare provider.  I've actually been okay with that.  I have a part-timer and some drop-ins here and there but Chris and I figure I could organize and maintain the house while I'm not working with kiddos.  I look forward to the days when I do have kids over and I also look forward to the days that I don't.  So, I have a nice little balance right now.  However, I sure am struggling with balancing out 'enjoying my me time' and tackling projects around the house... How do you do for you AND do work around the house and then still be 'mommy' at 3pm?!  I know it's a lot of daytime hours, since I am back home, kid-free, by 7am or earlier (KJ asks to ride the bus so that gets me back home real early).  I know I've been really down, lately, and I've been just trying to do 'fun' stuff to entertain myself and cheer myself up but at some point I need to get busy around here... any suggestions on how to balance it all out?!

My birthday is coming up soon.  I'm hoping to do something really fun.  However, I don't know if I want to do something really fun with just my hubby and daughter or with 'everyone' (meaning family and friends).  We normally make it a whole birthday week and do different things with different people to celebrate our birthdays . . . I just don't know that I have many ideas this year.

Oh, last but not least, I've really really been enjoying, and getting the hang of knitting!  :)  I've even had a few hat orders already.  Winter is coming and it's just perfect timing for my new knitting hobby! :)

See, blogging helps me feel better . . . can't I just sit and type out my thoughts and feelings alllll day long?!  ;)

August 12, 2010

Where has the time gone?

Finally, I'm sitting and making time to blog...

A lot has happened since my last post.  Although, it seems as though it's just been a few days or so.  Here is the quickest update I can give (normally I blab on and on —So, I'm doing my absolute best to keep it short and sweet.)  :)

I think this is our last month.  I'm ready to stop already —due to endo acting up and really causing me serious pain.  However, I really do want a second baby so, I do my best to 'suck it up' and stay focused on more positive things.  I don't remember what pregnancy test number I'm on —maybe #8?  9?  If it just doesn't happen for us again we really have our hearts set on adoption.

KJ starts first grade in TEN DAYS.  wow!  She is going to a new school because the 'zones' have now changed for our neighborhood.  She's not too excited about that; however, she is SUPER excited to start first grade.  :)  We have all of her school clothes purchased and ready.  We also have most of her school supplies (we just need a RED folder and a "multi-purpose composition notebook" —have yet to find one; I still need to google it to see what exactly it is!! lol).  All we have left to buy now are her shoes... she still needs two more pairs (brown and blk).  I wish I could shop every year like we do for her 'school stuff' —3 "dress" shoes, in brown, blk, and white, white sandals, brown sandals, gym tennis shoes (her play shoes), and a pair of 'nice' tennis shoes (for non gym days).  She still has two pairs of rain boots that fit .  .  . can I just buy a new pair of jeans?!  Please?!  (lol)

KJ turned 6 on August 10.  Like every other parent, I can't believe how quickly the time has passed.  We celebrated with a Skating Party and she had a BLAST!!  I, however, really feel like I missed out on the "party" part of the party . . . She's now at the age where she doesn't need me around her all the time; she was able to go off on her own with her friends —so she was on the skate floor more time than she was off, it seems, and I was in the party area taking care of 'stuff'.  If I would have known how I would feel after the party, I would have asked someone else to take care of 'stuff'.  :(  Oh, well, I definitely know now for next year—make it simple to be able to enjoy the birthday girl.
Here are some pics:

on our way to the skating rink
KJ skating!
Littlest Petshop Cake  (I was so excited to make this for her!!)
family picture

Austin, TX:
KJ and I spent 4 weeks in Austin (coming home on the weekends, of course, because we missed Chris too much.)
Here are some pics:
KJ with her best bud "Bolt"
I learned how to knit!
Home-baked gingerbread cookies
water play
@ Zilker Park
my scarf —before I undid it to start a new one.
road trip
being a unicorn
tons of potato head play time
some museum (I can't remember the name) with "stuffed" animals (eeeeek!)
Entertaining one another at the pottery place (while auntie finished up her project)
Library trip turned into KJ's pretend "Book Store" at the house.  :)
At a bird exhibit
my new and current scarf project
Lego fun (we built a piano and some benches and then the girls 'jammed' out)
playdoh fun (a bear)
a giraffe
KJ's baby  :)
KJ's snake
hippity-hoppity fun
Chris now has a second job.  He picked up a part-time job as a night manager at Chick-fil-a to work at paying off debt sooner.  He's super exhausted these days but is in good spirits still.  :)  We spend as much time together on his days/evenings off.

My days are about to get super busy again, once we get back on our 'school schedule'.  I will do my best to post more frequently again.  I'm sure there will be plenty to share about us Mayfields.  ;)

July 8, 2010

hpt #5

probably too soon, I know.  I just had some light spotting today and wondered if it could be due to a pregnancy or a cycle.  the only way to figure it out, for today, would be to test.  I knew if it showed up positive, I would be the HAPPIEST woman alive and it would explain the light spotting.  If it showed up negative then I would just have to keep waiting for something more to happen —or to take another test...

It showed up negative.

I think I'm just test happy right now.   I just can't help it.  I'm four days "late" so light spotting could be great news either way —early signs of pregnancy :D  OR signs of another cycle (which is always good news because it means that my body is still working!!! and another chance to catch an ovulation...)

worst that could happen:  I'll have to order another 10-15 hpts from baby wishes —I think my peace of mine is worth another $10, if need be.  :)

Banana Nut Recipe (with my own twist)

  So, I googled "Banana nut bread recipe" and found this recipe:

1 1/2 cups sugar
1/2 cup butter
2 eggs
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 1/2 cups flour
*3 large very ripe bananas, mashed
1/2 cup nuts, chopped
**1 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
***1/4 teaspoon ground cloves

Blend together sugar, butter, and eggs. Add dry ingredients, which have been sifted together. Add mashed bananas, chopped nuts, and vanilla extract. Pour into a greased loaf pan.Bake at 375°F degrees for 1 hour.
****Brush top with melted butter or glaze with confectioners icing, if desired, while loaf is still warm.

*the bananas I used today weren't "very large".  They were about medium size and super duper duper ripe —I used 3 1/2!!  So ripe that it was the first thing I was smelling as I came down stairs the past few days.

**I always add extra vanilla extract to just about everything.  The original recipe calls for only 1tsp, however, I added a little extra.  :)

**I'm normally am not a big fan of banana nut anything.  I wanted to add a flavor I like...  So, I got in my spice cabinet and started sniffing around.  I really like 'winter holiday' recipes —the spice bread flavors.  I decided to add Ground Cloves.  It may seem a bit strange, however, I really really REALLY love it now!! :D  It's definitely a keeper for my family.  

**I chose to stir up a small amount of water and confectioners sugar —approximately 1/3 cup water with 1/4 cup of confectioners sugar (add more or less water and sugar to your liking).  I drizzled it on top, while it was still warm and it was runny enough to soak right into the bread.  :)  (yum!).  I finished it off with dusting a small amount of confectioners sugar.

If you give this recipe a try, with or without the ground cloves, please share pictures and what you think!

I just googled "banana nut bread with ground cloves" —apparently, I'm not the only fan...  :)

July 6, 2010

endo, endo, go away! —don't come back another day. (hpt #4)

I'm sitting up in bed, waiting for the Lortab to take over...  I only took half.  I hadn't needed any pain meds since January 15th (give or take a day or two) —since I started on Lupron .  However, I've been off of Lupron, by choice, while we ttc, since mid April.  Everything had been going really well, until . . . two nights, or so ago, the endo pains got so horrible that I actually gave in to the pain meds again. :(  (I only took half, since I had been off of them for so long and it worked within 30 mins or so.)

I started to notice the endo symptoms returning about a week and a half ago.  Normally it doesn't take long at all before it gets miserably out of control.  :(  (in the past, from the time that the pains would start daily, it would only take about two weeks until the pain was present 24/7 even with pain meds —until I would hear the words from my doc, "I'll schedule you for surgery...".  This happened 3 times in a year and a half.

I'm praying for a miracle this time around.  I want to continue ttc (trying to conceive).  I want to NOT need Lupron.  I want to NOT need another surgery.  I want to do my regular activities and NOT end up temporarily crippled from endo pain.  I want to go on feeling this "normal" feeling I had been feeling up until a week and a half ago.  I could sneeze and not feel any pain.  I could lift my daughter and not feel any pain.  I could get up from sitting and not feel pain.  I was LIVING without pain.

I told Chris, last night, "well, it was amazing while it lasted.  At least I was able to experience 5 WHOLE months of being pain free..." (almost two months was while I was off Lupron treatmenst!).  I don't miss Lortab and the side affects that come along with taking it.  I don't want to end ttc because of endo!  The thought alone makes me want to cry.

Speaking of "cry".  I cried this morning.  I took HPT (home pregnancy test) #4 and it was another big fat negative.  :(  It really had my hopes up though.  Normally it absorbs super quickly and evenly.  This morning, it absorbed at the speed of a snail AND the color streaked/dragged across the strip and I had my hopes up that it was going to leave the first 'mark' at the 'positive' side.  Instead, it just creeped its way allllllll the way past the positive, straight to the negative line.  I waited the full ten minutes, as the instructions clearly state.  However, at the ten minutes, any hope for that first pink line (the "positive" line) was gone —it was bone-white.

I crawled back into bed, snuggled with Chris, and cried in his arms.  It's the first time, since trying, in 2010, that I allowed myself to cry (that I allowed myself to feel anything...).  I told him "I'm so sad, hun."  He said "I'm sorry, honey." and he just held me.  I couldn't have asked for a better response/reaction from him.  I sobbed, prayed, and did my best to put my heart back in God's hands (along with my hopes, dreams, and deepest desires).  It made today really tough for me.  I cried for a lot of silly little things, including passing up the baby section at Walmart tonight...

So, if you will please, keep my in prayer.  It seems to be a tad bit harder to keep my focus on staying positive —no matter the outcome, the fact that I believe, from the bottom of my heart, with all that I am, that God's plan for me is much, much, greater than I could ever imagine. —wether I remain a 'mother of one' or whether I am blessed beyond belief to be a 'mother of two'...

On a much positive note:  We have really enjoyed Chris's vacation time!!  (pics coming soon)  He goes back to work tomorrow and we are just so thankful to have had 10 days to spend together.  :)  We are so blessed to be celebrating 8 years of marriage!! (technically 'today', since I'm typing this after midnight, 7/6/10)

July 6, 2002


8 years later

Thank you for reading!  (and your support, kind words, and prayers)

Lilypie Trying to Conceive Event tickers

July 2, 2010

Fish Taco —Fear Factor style


We went to BJ's for lunch/early dinner today.  I ordered a FISH OR GRILLED SHRIMP TACOS (one halibut taco and one shrimp taco).  Chris ordered the PARMESAN CRUSTED CHICKEN .  My father-in-law ordered the  BBQ PULLED PORK SANDWICH

I was really enjoying my food until I tasted an onion.  I opened up my tacos and picked out the slices of fresh onion.  Once I gobbled up my entire shrimp taco, I moved on to the fish taco.  I was about three bites into it when I glanced at it, to make sure I wasn't going to bite into an onion, when I see a dead lady bug-like bug in my taco!  I quietly inspect it closely with my fork.  I turned it over and see the belly side, with legs tucked in -from the coleslaw juices.  I see bug guts and no head --but a tail.  I seriously thought that I was going to puke right then and there.  I chugged some water and got Chris to look at it and then go call a manager.

The manager came and inspected it.  After I made  him flip it over, he admits that it is a bug and starts apologizing.  He explains that it must have come in the coleslaw because it's processed somewhere and shipped in . . . blah blah blah.  He says "I know this doesn't make it any better but I can get you something else . . ."

It really took all I had to not get sick right there at the table, while everyone else was still eating.  I just sat there and started crying.  The manager offered just about everything he could think of.  I couldn't even talk --I just kept nodding my head, no, to everything.  I chugged two glasses of water after that.

The server saw how disturbed I was by it and he, too, came to see if there was anything I wanted . . .

After Chris told me that he really wanted me to accept the offer for dessert, I finally let the manager know, after he came AGAIN to apologize and see how I was doing.  Not only did they bring a yummy (I only know from how it smelled --I still have NO appetite!)  PIZOOKIE® TRIO, they took off three of the four meals that were ordered.  (my parents, after I called to tell them I ate a bug, told me that we should have insisted on not having to pay for any of it...) So, what would have been approximately $55 dollars, only came out to $19.95.  We were pleased to see how they handled 'taking care' of the incident --and I joked how I "took one for the team", in order to get a great discount on the food.  ;)

I still can't believe that I had a bug in my taco —and that I actually ate part of it!!!  :(

I was really enjoying the place (it was my first time there) and my food before the whole bug thing . . . I wonder if I'll ever want to go back...

This is what it looked like (minus the head ::BLAGH!!!::)

June 28, 2010

The new family gag

You know the doll from Toy Story 3? Well, since we've seen that movie, we have been placing this doll around the house in different areas, trying to get each other (that the doll comes to life and makes her way around the house when we aren't looking) lol!!

So I've been on the couch, watching a movie. When it was over, I stretched and I hit something with my arm. I turn around, and what do I see?? This doll sitting right behind me, staring at me!!! Ahh! CHRIS!!!! LOL  
I admit, it freaked me out...

The first time he got me, was about 5 nights ago. It was pitch dark and I had my hands full, while walking upstairs. So, I'm walking super slowly, one step carefully at a time. I felt something touch my leg as I got to the last step. I adjust my eyes to see what it was --Chris had placed the doll sitting in the middle of the very top step. It was pretty creepy and he was CRACKING UP!!! lol

June 27, 2010

HPT #3

I dreamt, all night, that I was taking pregnancy test after pregnancy test.  Might be what happened yesterday, or it might just be because that's all that I seem to think about these days...

I woke up and Chris and KJ were still gone —they had gone to church and I chose to stay home.  My phone was dead so I had NO clue of the time.  I had planned on taking another hpt —because of what happened yesterday.  I just need to again . . .

I couldn't find my pack of tests.  I searched everywhere I could think to look for them.  I then started to wonder if I had even purchased a bulk order of hpts —because my dreams were so crazy . . . I had to try to figure out if purchasing tests was real or part of another dream that felt all too real.

I plugged my phone in.  I see the time —two in the afternoon!  WHAT?!?!  How in the world did I manage to sleep sooooo long?!  (I guess I have to mention that I didn't go to sleep until after six in the morning.  :(  I just tossed and turned and tossed and turned.  Either yesterday really messed with my head more than I knew —or the whole TTC is starting to mess with me...

I called Chris to find out if I really purchased hpts.  He laughed and told me I did.  He probably thinks I'm losing my marbles by now.  lol  So, when I hung up, I ended up searching and finding my bag of hpts under the pillow in the guest room!  I can only imagine that KJ found herself a baggie of "fun things" to play with.  haha.  I counted them and they were all there.

I finally got around to taking a test —it was negative...again.  :(

Who felt worse?

Today, our very good friend, Ciara, got married.  :)  I had the honor of singing during the ceremony.  I was nervous beyond belief (I haven't sung in front of others in waaaay too long) and when I got through the ceremony without passing out, I was ready to relax and enjoy the rest of the celebrations.

All that changed when we sat at a table, at the reception, and I was flat out asked, "So, when are you due?"  HA!!  I asked, "excuse me?!" (just making sure I heard her correctly) and she actually stalled a bit and then asked "are you expecting?" or "you're expecting, right?".  I, blinked, took a deep breath, smiled and kindly said "No."

I HATE SMALL TALK WITH STRANGERS!!!  I really don't like social events.  Must I explain any further?  People pulling random things out of the air -just to fill dead space.  Why must we talk?!  Can't we just sit at the same table and enjoy the reception without pretending that we care where we grew up, what we do for a living, how many kids we have, etc.?!?!  ugh.

I wanted to leave.  I really wonder who felt worse --the person that just put her foot in her mouth or the person that is desperately trying to conceive and just got called out for having a round figure.  :(  I felt bad for her . . . and I felt like crying for me.

I excused myself to go to the restroom to share the 'laugh' and awkward moment with my mom (I really just wanted to hide there for a while).  My mom was so kind with her words.  We both agreed that "maybe it's a sign" that it's coming soon for us...

About 20 mins later her and her husband excused themselves and left.  I was really relieved.  I don't know that I would have been able to suck that one up and enjoy the rest of my time with the happy Mr. and Mrs. Charles.  It still took me about and hour to shake it off and enjoy the celebration.

My husband was careful around me and handled it really well --with giving me a big hug and helping me get my mind off of it.  I know if I wasn't trying to conceive that I would have more than likely laughed it off and not even have been bothered by the question.  But that wasn't the case.  For the last week and a half, I have been calming myself as much as possible and reminding myself to trust God's timing with expanding our family.  I've been trying to focus on anything other than the fact that I'm so anxious to test again, after this last cycle.  So, Chris understood my hidden tears.  I could have just sobbed right then and there.

So, I just want to share with you another way to ask the same question and avoid a situation like this one.  :)
Choice one: "How many children do you have?" (if I were answering that question, and pregnant, I would respond by saying "we have one and one on the way")
Choice two:  "Planning on having any more children?" (if I were answering this question, and pregnant, I would respond by saying "Yup!  We have one on the way!")

Has this ever happened to you? (on either side of the situation)

How would you ask --without assuming the person's belly is a 'baby bump'?

Please share your stories . . . I'd love to know I'm not the only one.

Thanks to this lady, I'll probably test every day for the next two weeks!  ;)  (not really, but it will be hard to resist)

June 25, 2010

germs germs --go away!

My little KJ and I have been sick since last Friday.  She saw her doctor on Monday and it turned out she had a double ear infection and strep throat.  (picture on left:  KJ really upset after they bothered her with a strep test and flushed out her ears to get a good look at the infection) POOR GIRLIE!!  So, we've been stuck in out house waaaay too long.

I think her fever FINALLY broke today.  She was finally fever free ALL day today! :)

Tomorrow should be even better.

I, on the other hand, had who knows what (more than likely strep too) and hid behind a hacking, wheezing, cough!  It's still not completely gone and I'm supposed to be at a wedding rehearsal tonight (seeing how it's already Friday, 2:43am) --ready to rehearse  . . . I'm singing at my friends wedding this Saturday!  Yikes.  I can't believe I had all year long to loose my singing voice and my body chose now.  :(  So, God willing, my voice will just keep coming back more and more so that by Saturday, it will just sound raspy in a romantic, sexy, way!  ;)

It's been a long boring week of Tylenol, Motrin, Antibiotic, Pedialyte, thermometer readings, crazy high temps of 105, baths, cuddles, coughs, breathing treatments, and chicken noodle soup.

Tonight was a great night.  I skyped with a wonderful friend -for several hours, while she packed for her big move (taking place on Saturday ::sad face::)

It's Friday already.  Geez, this week flew right on by --thanks to all the 'sick germs' we've been fighting off.

Nighty night.  I guess staying up late doesn't help my body fully recover.  ;)  oops.

June 21, 2010

Just one pink line... (hpt #2)

I received my hpt strips today! :)  I used my first one.  It was 'negative'.  Second negative in 2010.  Next scheduled test date:  July 5th!  Say a prayer.

**I might do away with the signature . . . it just seems like too much for EVERY post.

My John Hancock

signature for my blog... what do you think?  Any other suggestions?