Tears, tears, and more tears...
I thought I would be emotional from the menopur, follistim, ganirelix, etc; instead, I'm emotional while on progesterone. Is that normal? I'm flustered often and feel "blue" most days. So many thoughts run through my head and I work at staying occupied, to avoid more emotions and thoughts.
We are currently down to one car (and it's the one that is in worse condition) —Bummer! Also, we are looking to re-home our adorable German Shepherd puppy, that we got for KJ. —I feel so very sorry for KJ. It's not her fault, nor the puppy's, that my health and capabilities are not where they need to be in order to raise a puppy, her size (approximately 35-40lbs, maybe more?). I can't risk throwing my back out again. I can't risk being layed out from severe endo flare-ups. And most importantly, I can't risk, messing up this round of IVF over a pup —no matter how adorable and fun she can be... The fact of the matter is that she is more than what I can do right now and I don't know what kind of limitations my future may hold.
On top of all the other stuff, I have not been working, so things are getting tighter and tighter right now. I have to say, thankfully, we are in a very good place in our relationship, because last year, all these things, piled on top of one another, we would have been at each others throats, with intense silent treatments, daily —probably. So, praise God for growth and unconditional love!
We got through the first part of "the wait". Now, we just have to make it 'til Saturday... I really think this week will be tougher than the last.
I haven't been sleeping well at all —tossing and turning all night long, with sweaty-hot and shivering-cold flashes. Also, I've been having very intense, uncomfortable, dreams (where I or my family are in danger).
Today is day 22. We are still on 1cc of progesterone, nightly. Tonight was the first night I needed to switch to my left butt cheek. Tonight's injection was our 11th progesterone injection (10 were all on my right side, all bunched up in about the size of a quarter). Last night, I think Chris passed through a blood vessel or something, because it's super duper sore AND has a puffy green bump (reminds me of when I used to pop blood vessels, on my wrist(s), when I used to play volleyball —but on my butt. lol) It HURTS!!! :(
side effects that I've notice:
super sleepy (like needing several hours of a nap during the day to make it through 'til bedtime)
I get crazy "munchies"
Super thristy
sore "boobos"
very irritable
more random endo episodes
...so basically, it's like a very long stretch of PMS (poor Chris and KJ!)
Sorry I haven't been blogging everyday, these past few days. It just feels a little depressing that my only updates, really, are "very emotional again today"... lol I hope it ends soon.
Showing posts with label dog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dog. Show all posts
October 20, 2012
August 5, 2012
Let's "socialize"!
If you haven't already heard the news... I finally created a facebook page for Life Happens. I may not always have an entire blog to post but I sure have plenty of quick 'happenings' and photos to post on facebook. :)
You can also find me on Istagram (life_hapns), Twitter (@life_hapns), and Pinterest (lifehapns). I'd love to connect with you! Oh, and if you enjoy phone games you can look for me as Life_hapns —of course! ;)
Find me on your favorite social site and say "hello". I'd also appreciate if you "share" it with your family and friends. Life sure "happens" and sometimes we just need all the support we can get... Thanks for supporting me on my journey!
-Michelle
You can also find me on Istagram (life_hapns), Twitter (@life_hapns), and Pinterest (lifehapns). I'd love to connect with you! Oh, and if you enjoy phone games you can look for me as Life_hapns —of course! ;)
Find me on your favorite social site and say "hello". I'd also appreciate if you "share" it with your family and friends. Life sure "happens" and sometimes we just need all the support we can get... Thanks for supporting me on my journey!
-Michelle
June 14, 2012
The Dogs and the Spiders —Uh, I mean, "the birds and the bees"...
Quick recap.
KJ was asking more in depth questions about why our new pup absolutely had to get spayed. She already knows about the dreadful "cycle" (because she asked me why I needed special "things" when I go potty. And then sometime later, also asked more about how babies are born.) so I mentioned how getting a pup spayed will also prevent the pup from having cycles (she already knew it prevents them from getting pregnant/having puppies).
Earlier, that day, Monday, she had been saying that she saw two spiders "mating". I kept asking how she knew they were mating and she was very certain when she answered. Something about the female being the larger spider and the male being the smaller spider and she saw it on some podcast or tv show. She said that they were definitely mating because they were together like when spiders mate. So, since it was on her mind, I guess that's why the other questions came later...?
So, on the day we picked up the pup, she asked if male dogs needed the surgery too and I explained, yes, but it's a different surgery, "preventing them from making babies" (I guess I kind of knew this would be coming sooner or later). Then on Monday evening, she asked again about why male dogs needed a surgery if they don't get pregnant. I took a moment to think and just repeated what I had already told her —how it prevents the making of a baby. So, since she was hooked on saying that she saw the spiders mating and that there would soon be baby spiders, I used that to help her understand. I said something along the lines of Just like a male and female spider "mate" to make baby spiders, it's the same for dogs. A male dog and a female dog "mate" to make baby puppies. And the absolute best part of the night for me was when she then said, "Oh! (here I thought she was putting it all together, somehow, on her own...) So a male dog and a female dog use their special powers to make a baby?!?". I literally laughed so quietly, and tried to not let her notice, that I ended up crying. The tears probably also came once I realized that THE TALK was basically happening and I just wasn't sure how I felt about it. Yes, there are many other things/details that take place with THE TALK —but not with a seven year old... or at least I hope she doesn't keep asking questions right now...
Then it got a bit more challenging, for me, since I was not about to let my child believe that we all have "special powers" that we use to make babies. If I would have let her continue thinking that way, I'm sure the next thing out of her mouth would have been, "So why don't y'all have special powers??!" LOL So, when I told her "no", it let to the next question, "so how does a male dog make a baby then?". I told her that it was a very good question and I would need to think about how exactly to answer that for her. She went on about who knows what and then I decided just to give her the facts, as vaguely as possible??... long story short, I reminded her about how females release an egg, once a month —the whole "cycle talk" that we had already had— and that male dogs have what are called sperm. I explained that they are super duper tiny and microscopic and that in order for puppies to be created, the sperm comes together with the egg and then it could form into a baby.
Next question, "so then are we like that too?" (geez! the questions never ended!!) I simply answered "yes." I reminded her about our "how babies are formed in the mom" talk that we had, hoping that she would NOT ask the next obvious question, HOW the sperm and egg come together!. By this point, we were already out of the car, at our destination. But she had just one more question, "So, why haven't you gotten pregnant then? do YOU not have the eggs?"... :(
I'm glad she understood. I'm glad I was able to calmly and very normally answer her questions, but I was a bit sad that she understands it enough to know that something is just not right with me. We stopped, briefly, and I explained to her that my body just isn't working the way it should. I told her, that for a while, I was on a medication that was supposed to help my body "make the eggs" because sometimes it's just not that easy for everyone. I reassured her that it doesn't mean that I am "sick" in any way. I told her that it just shows me how special and different we all are and how God has very specific plans for each of us. I told her that I trust God and whatever he has planned for our family. I gave her a HUGE kiss on the cheek and reminded her that conversations like that should be between her and mommy and daddy —that those kind of conversations could make other people uncomfortable; so we should keep it private. She smiled and said, "I know, I know. We won't talk about this inside." (we were about to go in to a restaurant). I reminded her that she can always ask us anything and that I love being able to answer her questions. :)
It was a very very bitter sweet moment. I love the fact that we have made it regular conversation —nothing awkward or uncomfortable (even though I'm not always sure how much to answer, at what age it's appropriate. I keep reminding Chris that if she doesn't get the answers from us, she is going to get them from somewhere...) and I love the fact that she knows she can ask us anything (I hope that lasts forever!). However, it was a very very sad moment realizing that she isn't completely lost in her imaginative play-world anymore either —where dogs use their special powers to have puppies! ;) hee hee
June 11, 2012 will always be remembered.
Here's to "Special Powers" as we continue on our TTC journey. :)
(lol)
KJ was asking more in depth questions about why our new pup absolutely had to get spayed. She already knows about the dreadful "cycle" (because she asked me why I needed special "things" when I go potty. And then sometime later, also asked more about how babies are born.) so I mentioned how getting a pup spayed will also prevent the pup from having cycles (she already knew it prevents them from getting pregnant/having puppies).
Earlier, that day, Monday, she had been saying that she saw two spiders "mating". I kept asking how she knew they were mating and she was very certain when she answered. Something about the female being the larger spider and the male being the smaller spider and she saw it on some podcast or tv show. She said that they were definitely mating because they were together like when spiders mate. So, since it was on her mind, I guess that's why the other questions came later...?
So, on the day we picked up the pup, she asked if male dogs needed the surgery too and I explained, yes, but it's a different surgery, "preventing them from making babies" (I guess I kind of knew this would be coming sooner or later). Then on Monday evening, she asked again about why male dogs needed a surgery if they don't get pregnant. I took a moment to think and just repeated what I had already told her —how it prevents the making of a baby. So, since she was hooked on saying that she saw the spiders mating and that there would soon be baby spiders, I used that to help her understand. I said something along the lines of Just like a male and female spider "mate" to make baby spiders, it's the same for dogs. A male dog and a female dog "mate" to make baby puppies. And the absolute best part of the night for me was when she then said, "Oh! (here I thought she was putting it all together, somehow, on her own...) So a male dog and a female dog use their special powers to make a baby?!?". I literally laughed so quietly, and tried to not let her notice, that I ended up crying. The tears probably also came once I realized that THE TALK was basically happening and I just wasn't sure how I felt about it. Yes, there are many other things/details that take place with THE TALK —but not with a seven year old... or at least I hope she doesn't keep asking questions right now...
Then it got a bit more challenging, for me, since I was not about to let my child believe that we all have "special powers" that we use to make babies. If I would have let her continue thinking that way, I'm sure the next thing out of her mouth would have been, "So why don't y'all have special powers??!" LOL So, when I told her "no", it let to the next question, "so how does a male dog make a baby then?". I told her that it was a very good question and I would need to think about how exactly to answer that for her. She went on about who knows what and then I decided just to give her the facts, as vaguely as possible??... long story short, I reminded her about how females release an egg, once a month —the whole "cycle talk" that we had already had— and that male dogs have what are called sperm. I explained that they are super duper tiny and microscopic and that in order for puppies to be created, the sperm comes together with the egg and then it could form into a baby.
Next question, "so then are we like that too?" (geez! the questions never ended!!) I simply answered "yes." I reminded her about our "how babies are formed in the mom" talk that we had, hoping that she would NOT ask the next obvious question, HOW the sperm and egg come together!. By this point, we were already out of the car, at our destination. But she had just one more question, "So, why haven't you gotten pregnant then? do YOU not have the eggs?"... :(
I'm glad she understood. I'm glad I was able to calmly and very normally answer her questions, but I was a bit sad that she understands it enough to know that something is just not right with me. We stopped, briefly, and I explained to her that my body just isn't working the way it should. I told her, that for a while, I was on a medication that was supposed to help my body "make the eggs" because sometimes it's just not that easy for everyone. I reassured her that it doesn't mean that I am "sick" in any way. I told her that it just shows me how special and different we all are and how God has very specific plans for each of us. I told her that I trust God and whatever he has planned for our family. I gave her a HUGE kiss on the cheek and reminded her that conversations like that should be between her and mommy and daddy —that those kind of conversations could make other people uncomfortable; so we should keep it private. She smiled and said, "I know, I know. We won't talk about this inside." (we were about to go in to a restaurant). I reminded her that she can always ask us anything and that I love being able to answer her questions. :)
It was a very very bitter sweet moment. I love the fact that we have made it regular conversation —nothing awkward or uncomfortable (even though I'm not always sure how much to answer, at what age it's appropriate. I keep reminding Chris that if she doesn't get the answers from us, she is going to get them from somewhere...) and I love the fact that she knows she can ask us anything (I hope that lasts forever!). However, it was a very very sad moment realizing that she isn't completely lost in her imaginative play-world anymore either —where dogs use their special powers to have puppies! ;) hee hee
June 11, 2012 will always be remembered.
Here's to "Special Powers" as we continue on our TTC journey. :)
(lol)
September 8, 2011
I'm fertile . . . just not fertile enough.
I still cry. I still mope. I still wish it was me and not just everyone else around me. I still stare at my belly in the mirror and try to remember what it was like carrying a baby in there. I still feel every gas bubble and daydream that someday it will be movement of a baby in there. lol (I admit, that one is pretty pathetic. haha) We are right about to hit 17 months of ttc. This was when I started to lose hope and give up the last time we tried to conceive —we stopped at 18 months... I don't feel that I've lost hope this time. I do have my moments where I try to accept the possibility that I may never have the chance to conceive another child; "That's just silly!" I tell myself over and over and over again. "Maybe just not in the plan for my 20's...?"
Just to top off all the wonderful negative hpt results: I gave in to the urge to test. I tested on what was supposed to be my day one. Listen to me when I say as soon as I put the cap back on the hpt, my day one started. I'm not even kidding. It was soooooo unkind.
So, today is day 3 and I'm staying optimistic. :) I'm focusing on the wonderful children in my life and my adorable little Roxy-poo (which by the way, we celebrated her 3rd birthday this past weekend —we bought her some doggie ice cream cups. It was adorable; we sang happy birthday and gave her the yummy treat. She gratefully trotted off, with the cup in her mouth, to enjoy her ice cream outside!).
. . . and life goes on.
Happy bday roxy
We've had her for exactly one year now, September 1, 2010. She is now three years old :)
She enjoyed her first doggie ice-cream as her birthday celebration treat. :)
September 22, 2010
::inhale...exhale:: Ah, blogerpy.
'blog therapy' that is...
Today's Wednesday. The part of the week where you know you're so close to Friday —you're going to make it!! Yet, you have to just remember to breathe ...
TTC
I am on day 48 and I've had two negatives. Something needs to happen soon. Even if it's just another cycle to let me know my body hasn't shut down again. I'll be making a doc appointment soon —we just found out that our insurance covers IVF treatments (up to a certain amount) and we want to see what our next steps should be. I don't think he'll recommend IVF as the next step; I think he'll start me on clomid again first and then go from there. I think I'm okay with that now. I think I'd rather be emotional due to adding crazy hormones in my body (with the hopes of conceiving) rather than being crazy emotional due to the LACK of conceiving —AGAIN! :(
I'm tempted to find a support group. It's getting tough again. That's why I had originally thought to only try for 6 months and then stop for 6 months and then try again, and so on. I remember how hard it was back in 2007 (it seemed like, in that 18 month period of TTC, that EVERYONE and their momma conceived!! haha). It was super tough, emotionally, mentally, etc. But we decided to not stop trying and now I'm starting to feel it . . .
I know, I know, it's God's timing and He has the perfect plan for us . . . but I'm human and it's normal to feel what I've been feeling (so don't feel sorry for me and don't get worried about me). I just choose to blog because it's what works for me :). I figure, I'll share what I go through (to an extent), in case anyone is 1) curious, 2) experiencing the same situation, and 3) nosy!! hee hee. ;) I know I am. I'm always curious to read about people's life and their experiences they choose to share. So read away!! :)
KJ
KJ will be starting swim lessons on October 11. :) We are all very excited for that! I told her as soon as she learns how to swim we will put her on a swim team, if she' like. She was very excited about that. "Will we have races?" she asked . . . when I told her "yes", she got super excited and said she couldn't wait to learn how to swim! :)
We are a bit concerned about her school behavior. On average, she's been getting about two marks a week —ranging from talking to not getting her work done (the main main MAIN one being 'talking' --hmmm, I wonder where she gets that habit from?! ::blush::) She knows better and she always tells me what she needs to do differently (and she has consequences here at home --getting grounded, no tv, not video games, sometimes no dessert) yet, her actions don't show that she cares or really 'gets it'. :( Any suggestions would be FANTASTIC!!
Misc.
I don't know if I've mentioned it yet but we got a family dog. Her name is Roxy, a two year old weenie dog. :) She's a lot of fun but needs some basic manners (like no play biting and keep her scratchy paws of of people).
Optimistic view on not being pregnant yet: I've lost 5.5 lbs!! :) As long as I'm not pregnant, I might as well be shedding some unwanted weight.
Recently, I've been more of a homemaker rather than a home childcare provider. I've actually been okay with that. I have a part-timer and some drop-ins here and there but Chris and I figure I could organize and maintain the house while I'm not working with kiddos. I look forward to the days when I do have kids over and I also look forward to the days that I don't. So, I have a nice little balance right now. However, I sure am struggling with balancing out 'enjoying my me time' and tackling projects around the house... How do you do for you AND do work around the house and then still be 'mommy' at 3pm?! I know it's a lot of daytime hours, since I am back home, kid-free, by 7am or earlier (KJ asks to ride the bus so that gets me back home real early). I know I've been really down, lately, and I've been just trying to do 'fun' stuff to entertain myself and cheer myself up but at some point I need to get busy around here... any suggestions on how to balance it all out?!
My birthday is coming up soon. I'm hoping to do something really fun. However, I don't know if I want to do something really fun with just my hubby and daughter or with 'everyone' (meaning family and friends). We normally make it a whole birthday week and do different things with different people to celebrate our birthdays . . . I just don't know that I have many ideas this year.
Oh, last but not least, I've really really been enjoying, and getting the hang of knitting! :) I've even had a few hat orders already. Winter is coming and it's just perfect timing for my new knitting hobby! :)
See, blogging helps me feel better . . . can't I just sit and type out my thoughts and feelings alllll day long?! ;)
Today's Wednesday. The part of the week where you know you're so close to Friday —you're going to make it!! Yet, you have to just remember to breathe ...
TTC
I am on day 48 and I've had two negatives. Something needs to happen soon. Even if it's just another cycle to let me know my body hasn't shut down again. I'll be making a doc appointment soon —we just found out that our insurance covers IVF treatments (up to a certain amount) and we want to see what our next steps should be. I don't think he'll recommend IVF as the next step; I think he'll start me on clomid again first and then go from there. I think I'm okay with that now. I think I'd rather be emotional due to adding crazy hormones in my body (with the hopes of conceiving) rather than being crazy emotional due to the LACK of conceiving —AGAIN! :(
I'm tempted to find a support group. It's getting tough again. That's why I had originally thought to only try for 6 months and then stop for 6 months and then try again, and so on. I remember how hard it was back in 2007 (it seemed like, in that 18 month period of TTC, that EVERYONE and their momma conceived!! haha). It was super tough, emotionally, mentally, etc. But we decided to not stop trying and now I'm starting to feel it . . .
I know, I know, it's God's timing and He has the perfect plan for us . . . but I'm human and it's normal to feel what I've been feeling (so don't feel sorry for me and don't get worried about me). I just choose to blog because it's what works for me :). I figure, I'll share what I go through (to an extent), in case anyone is 1) curious, 2) experiencing the same situation, and 3) nosy!! hee hee. ;) I know I am. I'm always curious to read about people's life and their experiences they choose to share. So read away!! :)
KJ
KJ will be starting swim lessons on October 11. :) We are all very excited for that! I told her as soon as she learns how to swim we will put her on a swim team, if she' like. She was very excited about that. "Will we have races?" she asked . . . when I told her "yes", she got super excited and said she couldn't wait to learn how to swim! :)
We are a bit concerned about her school behavior. On average, she's been getting about two marks a week —ranging from talking to not getting her work done (the main main MAIN one being 'talking' --hmmm, I wonder where she gets that habit from?! ::blush::) She knows better and she always tells me what she needs to do differently (and she has consequences here at home --getting grounded, no tv, not video games, sometimes no dessert) yet, her actions don't show that she cares or really 'gets it'. :( Any suggestions would be FANTASTIC!!
Misc.
I don't know if I've mentioned it yet but we got a family dog. Her name is Roxy, a two year old weenie dog. :) She's a lot of fun but needs some basic manners (like no play biting and keep her scratchy paws of of people).
Optimistic view on not being pregnant yet: I've lost 5.5 lbs!! :) As long as I'm not pregnant, I might as well be shedding some unwanted weight.
Recently, I've been more of a homemaker rather than a home childcare provider. I've actually been okay with that. I have a part-timer and some drop-ins here and there but Chris and I figure I could organize and maintain the house while I'm not working with kiddos. I look forward to the days when I do have kids over and I also look forward to the days that I don't. So, I have a nice little balance right now. However, I sure am struggling with balancing out 'enjoying my me time' and tackling projects around the house... How do you do for you AND do work around the house and then still be 'mommy' at 3pm?! I know it's a lot of daytime hours, since I am back home, kid-free, by 7am or earlier (KJ asks to ride the bus so that gets me back home real early). I know I've been really down, lately, and I've been just trying to do 'fun' stuff to entertain myself and cheer myself up but at some point I need to get busy around here... any suggestions on how to balance it all out?!
My birthday is coming up soon. I'm hoping to do something really fun. However, I don't know if I want to do something really fun with just my hubby and daughter or with 'everyone' (meaning family and friends). We normally make it a whole birthday week and do different things with different people to celebrate our birthdays . . . I just don't know that I have many ideas this year.
Oh, last but not least, I've really really been enjoying, and getting the hang of knitting! :) I've even had a few hat orders already. Winter is coming and it's just perfect timing for my new knitting hobby! :)
See, blogging helps me feel better . . . can't I just sit and type out my thoughts and feelings alllll day long?! ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)