March 26, 2014

The many roles...

To the housekeeper:

You've really been slacking.  I can't stand it around here any more.  You kept the place so nice and clean for about three weeks and then you stopped.  I don't know what happened, exactly.  I mean, I hear that your health has major ups and downs.  I hear you deal with chronic pain -which leads to your random exhaustion.  I'm assuming my housework isn't your only job...  Oh, yeah, I know you have kids and all.  I know they keep you up to odd hours, when you would normally be sleeping.  I'm just not sure what to do at this point.  I mean, I need you to step it up, suck it up, and get back on point.  The rest of my family, obviously, has much more important things going on.  I mean, you must continue picking up and taking out the trash every single night.  You must  keep the dishes and kitchen clean, at all times.  You are the sole dish washer around here, don't forget that.  Oh, and don't just leave the laundry laying around!  The clean clothes can't just get piled in the laundry room.  You have to actually fold and go put each piece away, exactly where it is needed (if you set it out in nice piles for each person to take on their own, it won't ever get done and they'll just end up getting thrown back into a pile).  No one has time for all that;

March 12, 2014

You're unwelcome here

Dear Endo,

I do not appreciate the fact that you force your way into my life.  I have had enough of you already; yet, you just continue to take, take, take, from me.  

Today, for instance, you took advantage of the fact that I was already flustered, packing up, trying to take a road trip.  You thought it was great timing to disrupt my activity.  You put a sudden halt to everything.  All I was doing was buckling up some car seats.  What is supposed to be such a simple task led to gut wrenching pain (shooting down my hip --it felt as if someone was trying to twist my leg right off!).  I refused to move while you overstayed your unwelcomed visit.  I sat and tried to ignore you, but you were determined to get my attention.  The overwhelming hot flash kicked in when the pain hit its' peak and my blood pressure rose as I sat, flustered, in pain. 

I guess it's just not enough for you that you have already forced your way into the last 19 years of my life, bombarded my life with infertility and then secondary infertility.  You limit my everyday 'normal' activities and you wedge your ugly self in my intimate life as well.  Don't you see, Endo, you're not going to win?!  I refuse to let you drag me down.  Sure, you get my undivided attention when you want, but it doesn't mean you rule my life, you know.  Some day, somehow, some incredible discovery will come around and I, along with many, many, other women, will not only cry tears of joy as I rid you from my life for good, I will laugh in your face, sing and shout with joy, and I will never, ever, EVER, have to sit back and let you push me around again!

I'll never give up.
Yours truly,
Michelle/Endo Warrior/Daily Survivor/Mom of three beautiful miracles

March 10, 2014

Time change... time for change...

Wide awake.  This time change is kicking my butt.  Seriously!

I've been online watching YouTube videos of Boyce Avenue --like it's been well over an hour now.  I'm totally amazed and in love with the sound and vocal blends of these artists/musicians.  And so my wheels start a-churnin'.

I have recently been presented with an amazing opportunity and I think my own fears and insecurities might be the only thing really, truly, stopping me from leaping in with both feet.  What a shame, right?  Let me back up a bit here...

In January, there was one night that Chris and I were listening to worship songs, live recordings on YouTube.  I broke down at the sight of outstretched hands, a mass of people worshiping and opening up their hearts to God.  I re-shared with Chris a vision I once had, when I was a worship leader for a local youth ministry.  I was just a teen, myself, yet, I was so certain of what God had shown me.  I expressed my sadness about how I feel it all went away so quickly.  I questioned, out loud, in conversation, if maybe I failed to use my gifts and talents for the Lord and now he had taken them.  I sat in silence briefly and then said, "Oh well, I guess God is working in me and may have other things for me to do during this season.  I hope I didn't completely miss the boat...  At least I had a taste of it.".  And I went back to sitting and listening, and watching, in silence, my heart aching and my mind filled with questions.  And then I felt God loving on me.  I shared with Chris what immediately ran through my head, "Well... I'm not dead yet! (we laughed)  My time's not over and I can still live out that dream and vision!..."  Saying it out loud put a huge smile back on my face and I felt God's reassurance --those words were so true.  God's NOT done with me yet!

That week, I began praying for new beginnings, new opportunities, and new ways to grow and stretch my faith.  I prayed to grow my love for God and to take new steps as His servant.  I started craving opportunities to serve again and I really focused on different ways I could live my life 'out loud' this year and 'not hold back' in these areas.  I asked God to close doors that just weren't right for me (and my marriage) anymore, and open new doors --doors that I never knew existed and that would take me to new places, doing great things for the Lord.

The very next month, February, we began to see new doors opening.  Yet, here I am, now in March, still trying to 'figure it all out':  how can I balance ministry work and my family?  How can I commit when I don't even have a reliable vehicle at the moment?  How can I go back to leading worship when my memory just plain stinks right now?! (lol seriously!  I have the worst memory when it comes to learning new lyrics -it's gotten worse the older I've gotten; and I'm only 31!!  How sad.)  Will my children be okay while I'm away?  Will we miss out as a family? ... So, all these questions, and "ifs" and "buts" keep running through my mind.  I know God is bigger than all my insecurities.  My nerves are valid, but if it's truly His will, He will make it all work out for His glory!

I know what I want to do --I want to leap with both feet and get out there, doing great things for God, again.  But facing reality is scary sometimes --the reality of raising my babies and making it all balance out just right.  The reality that I will probably mess up a lot of lyrics, because it happens, I know, and life will just go on.  I've never felt this way before --almost like having stage fright, which I've NEVER had.  But it's strange because it's so much more than the literal meaning of being 'on stage'.  It's a HUGE responsibility.  But then, at the same time, it's such a humbling honor to see that God trusts me... me!  --Again.

God is so amazing.  So loving and forgiving.  So merciful and gracious.  I asked and here it is; He showed up in such a HUGE way . . . now it's time for me to either take that leap and 'live out loud', or let it pass me by, while I raise my babies, and pray another opportunity like this comes around again.

March 2, 2014

To My Husband

Dear hunny,

Today, I surprisingly fell in love with you all over again.  It feels wonderful ... like a new-found joy . . . a giddy little tickle in my tummy . . . maybe it really was your new frames (hehe), or the way you attacked me with kisses, even though I was a sweaty mess.  Or maybe it was the helpful heart I saw, as you very quickly and willingly cleaned up the downstairs area, while I was cooking.  Or maybe it was that you did such a sweet thing and surprised KJ today, when you drove to go pick up her bff.

I can't really explain why or how.  I just know that my heart opened up to you in a new, fresh, way again.  It's been a while, huh?  We knew that having 'a baby' was going to change our relationship and put some things on hold.  But we didn't have a clue