I've missed blogging. I don't make time for it these days. I'd much rather eat, nap, clean, shower, or just sit, while the twins are occupied or napping.
So, a quick update:
KJ is still 9, counting down to her August birthday, to celebrate her first double-digit birthday. She's enjoying really cool sciences classes this summer. No soccer this summer. (we missed out on the registration date). She's enjoying her summer so far --although, on days with more chores and responsibilities, she very quickly lets me know that I'm making it "the worst summer ever!". eh. It's what every mother lives for, right?! ha!
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
March 26, 2014
The many roles...
To the housekeeper:
You've really been slacking. I can't stand it around here any more. You kept the place so nice and clean for about three weeks and then you stopped. I don't know what happened, exactly. I mean, I hear that your health has major ups and downs. I hear you deal with chronic pain -which leads to your random exhaustion. I'm assuming my housework isn't your only job... Oh, yeah, I know you have kids and all. I know they keep you up to odd hours, when you would normally be sleeping. I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I mean, I need you to step it up, suck it up, and get back on point. The rest of my family, obviously, has much more important things going on. I mean, you must continue picking up and taking out the trash every single night. You must keep the dishes and kitchen clean, at all times. You are the sole dish washer around here, don't forget that. Oh, and don't just leave the laundry laying around! The clean clothes can't just get piled in the laundry room. You have to actually fold and go put each piece away, exactly where it is needed (if you set it out in nice piles for each person to take on their own, it won't ever get done and they'll just end up getting thrown back into a pile). No one has time for all that;
You've really been slacking. I can't stand it around here any more. You kept the place so nice and clean for about three weeks and then you stopped. I don't know what happened, exactly. I mean, I hear that your health has major ups and downs. I hear you deal with chronic pain -which leads to your random exhaustion. I'm assuming my housework isn't your only job... Oh, yeah, I know you have kids and all. I know they keep you up to odd hours, when you would normally be sleeping. I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I mean, I need you to step it up, suck it up, and get back on point. The rest of my family, obviously, has much more important things going on. I mean, you must continue picking up and taking out the trash every single night. You must keep the dishes and kitchen clean, at all times. You are the sole dish washer around here, don't forget that. Oh, and don't just leave the laundry laying around! The clean clothes can't just get piled in the laundry room. You have to actually fold and go put each piece away, exactly where it is needed (if you set it out in nice piles for each person to take on their own, it won't ever get done and they'll just end up getting thrown back into a pile). No one has time for all that;
March 10, 2014
Time change... time for change...
Wide awake. This time change is kicking my butt. Seriously!
I've been online watching YouTube videos of Boyce Avenue --like it's been well over an hour now. I'm totally amazed and in love with the sound and vocal blends of these artists/musicians. And so my wheels start a-churnin'.
I have recently been presented with an amazing opportunity and I think my own fears and insecurities might be the only thing really, truly, stopping me from leaping in with both feet. What a shame, right? Let me back up a bit here...
In January, there was one night that Chris and I were listening to worship songs, live recordings on YouTube. I broke down at the sight of outstretched hands, a mass of people worshiping and opening up their hearts to God. I re-shared with Chris a vision I once had, when I was a worship leader for a local youth ministry. I was just a teen, myself, yet, I was so certain of what God had shown me. I expressed my sadness about how I feel it all went away so quickly. I questioned, out loud, in conversation, if maybe I failed to use my gifts and talents for the Lord and now he had taken them. I sat in silence briefly and then said, "Oh well, I guess God is working in me and may have other things for me to do during this season. I hope I didn't completely miss the boat... At least I had a taste of it.". And I went back to sitting and listening, and watching, in silence, my heart aching and my mind filled with questions. And then I felt God loving on me. I shared with Chris what immediately ran through my head, "Well... I'm not dead yet! (we laughed) My time's not over and I can still live out that dream and vision!..." Saying it out loud put a huge smile back on my face and I felt God's reassurance --those words were so true. God's NOT done with me yet!
That week, I began praying for new beginnings, new opportunities, and new ways to grow and stretch my faith. I prayed to grow my love for God and to take new steps as His servant. I started craving opportunities to serve again and I really focused on different ways I could live my life 'out loud' this year and 'not hold back' in these areas. I asked God to close doors that just weren't right for me (and my marriage) anymore, and open new doors --doors that I never knew existed and that would take me to new places, doing great things for the Lord.
The very next month, February, we began to see new doors opening. Yet, here I am, now in March, still trying to 'figure it all out': how can I balance ministry work and my family? How can I commit when I don't even have a reliable vehicle at the moment? How can I go back to leading worship when my memory just plain stinks right now?! (lol seriously! I have the worst memory when it comes to learning new lyrics -it's gotten worse the older I've gotten; and I'm only 31!! How sad.) Will my children be okay while I'm away? Will we miss out as a family? ... So, all these questions, and "ifs" and "buts" keep running through my mind. I know God is bigger than all my insecurities. My nerves are valid, but if it's truly His will, He will make it all work out for His glory!
I know what I want to do --I want to leap with both feet and get out there, doing great things for God, again. But facing reality is scary sometimes --the reality of raising my babies and making it all balance out just right. The reality that I will probably mess up a lot of lyrics, because it happens, I know, and life will just go on. I've never felt this way before --almost like having stage fright, which I've NEVER had. But it's strange because it's so much more than the literal meaning of being 'on stage'. It's a HUGE responsibility. But then, at the same time, it's such a humbling honor to see that God trusts me... me! --Again.
God is so amazing. So loving and forgiving. So merciful and gracious. I asked and here it is; He showed up in such a HUGE way . . . now it's time for me to either take that leap and 'live out loud', or let it pass me by, while I raise my babies, and pray another opportunity like this comes around again.
I've been online watching YouTube videos of Boyce Avenue --like it's been well over an hour now. I'm totally amazed and in love with the sound and vocal blends of these artists/musicians. And so my wheels start a-churnin'.
I have recently been presented with an amazing opportunity and I think my own fears and insecurities might be the only thing really, truly, stopping me from leaping in with both feet. What a shame, right? Let me back up a bit here...
In January, there was one night that Chris and I were listening to worship songs, live recordings on YouTube. I broke down at the sight of outstretched hands, a mass of people worshiping and opening up their hearts to God. I re-shared with Chris a vision I once had, when I was a worship leader for a local youth ministry. I was just a teen, myself, yet, I was so certain of what God had shown me. I expressed my sadness about how I feel it all went away so quickly. I questioned, out loud, in conversation, if maybe I failed to use my gifts and talents for the Lord and now he had taken them. I sat in silence briefly and then said, "Oh well, I guess God is working in me and may have other things for me to do during this season. I hope I didn't completely miss the boat... At least I had a taste of it.". And I went back to sitting and listening, and watching, in silence, my heart aching and my mind filled with questions. And then I felt God loving on me. I shared with Chris what immediately ran through my head, "Well... I'm not dead yet! (we laughed) My time's not over and I can still live out that dream and vision!..." Saying it out loud put a huge smile back on my face and I felt God's reassurance --those words were so true. God's NOT done with me yet!
That week, I began praying for new beginnings, new opportunities, and new ways to grow and stretch my faith. I prayed to grow my love for God and to take new steps as His servant. I started craving opportunities to serve again and I really focused on different ways I could live my life 'out loud' this year and 'not hold back' in these areas. I asked God to close doors that just weren't right for me (and my marriage) anymore, and open new doors --doors that I never knew existed and that would take me to new places, doing great things for the Lord.
The very next month, February, we began to see new doors opening. Yet, here I am, now in March, still trying to 'figure it all out': how can I balance ministry work and my family? How can I commit when I don't even have a reliable vehicle at the moment? How can I go back to leading worship when my memory just plain stinks right now?! (lol seriously! I have the worst memory when it comes to learning new lyrics -it's gotten worse the older I've gotten; and I'm only 31!! How sad.) Will my children be okay while I'm away? Will we miss out as a family? ... So, all these questions, and "ifs" and "buts" keep running through my mind. I know God is bigger than all my insecurities. My nerves are valid, but if it's truly His will, He will make it all work out for His glory!
I know what I want to do --I want to leap with both feet and get out there, doing great things for God, again. But facing reality is scary sometimes --the reality of raising my babies and making it all balance out just right. The reality that I will probably mess up a lot of lyrics, because it happens, I know, and life will just go on. I've never felt this way before --almost like having stage fright, which I've NEVER had. But it's strange because it's so much more than the literal meaning of being 'on stage'. It's a HUGE responsibility. But then, at the same time, it's such a humbling honor to see that God trusts me... me! --Again.
God is so amazing. So loving and forgiving. So merciful and gracious. I asked and here it is; He showed up in such a HUGE way . . . now it's time for me to either take that leap and 'live out loud', or let it pass me by, while I raise my babies, and pray another opportunity like this comes around again.
March 2, 2014
To My Husband
Dear hunny,
Today, I surprisingly fell in love with you all over again. It feels wonderful ... like a new-found joy . . . a giddy little tickle in my tummy . . . maybe it really was your new frames (hehe), or the way you attacked me with kisses, even though I was a sweaty mess. Or maybe it was the helpful heart I saw, as you very quickly and willingly cleaned up the downstairs area, while I was cooking. Or maybe it was that you did such a sweet thing and surprised KJ today, when you drove to go pick up her bff.
I can't really explain why or how. I just know that my heart opened up to you in a new, fresh, way again. It's been a while, huh? We knew that having 'a baby' was going to change our relationship and put some things on hold. But we didn't have a clue
Today, I surprisingly fell in love with you all over again. It feels wonderful ... like a new-found joy . . . a giddy little tickle in my tummy . . . maybe it really was your new frames (hehe), or the way you attacked me with kisses, even though I was a sweaty mess. Or maybe it was the helpful heart I saw, as you very quickly and willingly cleaned up the downstairs area, while I was cooking. Or maybe it was that you did such a sweet thing and surprised KJ today, when you drove to go pick up her bff.
I can't really explain why or how. I just know that my heart opened up to you in a new, fresh, way again. It's been a while, huh? We knew that having 'a baby' was going to change our relationship and put some things on hold. But we didn't have a clue
December 12, 2013
Working on our 'night time routine'
I should be crafting the Christmas gifts, shopping online for last minute Christmas craft supplies, working on my new blog project, cleaning, washing the dirty diapers, sleeping.
Since the twins have been home, my sleep schedule has gone in all different directions. I'm currently on the "night time is my only 'me time' and I have stuff I need to do" (lack of) sleep schedule. Then, during the daytime, I've been working to get them on the same schedule. They have gone back and forth a couple of times, over the last few months. Finally, they are back on the same schedule, but that also means
Since the twins have been home, my sleep schedule has gone in all different directions. I'm currently on the "night time is my only 'me time' and I have stuff I need to do" (lack of) sleep schedule. Then, during the daytime, I've been working to get them on the same schedule. They have gone back and forth a couple of times, over the last few months. Finally, they are back on the same schedule, but that also means
November 17, 2013
One hour.
I just experienced my first hour away -all by myself. No nursing baby, and no talkative 9yr old.
Since the twins were born, I've been alone with Elly several times. I've also had one time alone with Kj (I took her down the street for a hair cut). I had never gone anywhere kid-free...in well over 6 months!
Now, I didn't do anything extravagant. I traveled 10 minutes away to purchased some cloth dipes from another momma (that I met for the first time when I arrived at her house). I was only gone for an hour.
Everything felt strangely normal, at first. Probably because I was rushing to leave the house, as I normally am these days. Then, driving there, I was so focused on directions, I didn't have much time to think about being alone. Once I arrived, I had to check all the dipes and decide on what I was going to buy. Again, my mind stayed very occupied. *what did feel strange, though, was when I was in conversation and I would say "my son" or "baby girl". I felt like I did before I had them and that I was making it up and telling stories. Haha! I didn't have my babies there with me, so I felt like they were just all in my head.
Once I started realizing how much time had passed, and I knew Elly would be needing to nurse soon, I started feeling extremely anxious and scatterbrained. The other mom might have felt like I had multiple personalities! All of a sudden, I couldn't think straight. I didn't remember how to function on my own. I think I kept repeating myself too. Haha!
I called Chris on my way home. I was sure I would hear Elly screaming over the phone. Silence. That's all I heard. Chris told me that he bathed Elly and then she fell asleep in his arms. (Awww!)
I got home a few minutes later and was so relieved to see a calm and happy home.
I stuffed my face with whatever I could find (because I hadn't had a chance to eat all day!) and I made something for Kj to eat --because Chris did a great job with all three kiddos; but apparently I wasn't gone long enough for him to get a chance to practice cooking AND hanging out with the kiddos. ;)
It was SO refreshing being out, even though it was just for an hour. It was like a "reset" button... Wiping the slate clean... Starting fresh.
I really need to do this more often!
Ps. Yes, I reeeeeeeally missed my babies while I was gone!!
November 16, 2013
Still searching.
Broken.
Broken down.
Fixable. But currently in a state of needing repair.
That's how I currently feel.
I'm tired...Exhausted... drained to the last drop --Physically, emotionally, mentally... is there any other way to feel so broken; if so, add it to the list.
Earlier today, I did the only thing I know to do when I feel this broken. I blasted the worship music throughout the house, closed my eyes, lifted my hands, and sang my heart out. What a release I felt! Wow. God has never left me. He's here --holding me and carrying me through.
*I was so desperate for some "me and God time" I forced it: KJ was at the table, 8 ft away, doing schoolwork. Liam was on the floor napping, 2 ft away. And Elly was only centimeters away from the back of my neck, hanging out in the Boba.
I'm so very, very, thankful for the life I have. I have three beautiful blessings and a hard-working husband. However, it seems as though I'm still trying to figure out how to balance everything. I'm not sure how to find that perfect balance. Does it even exist? Or is that what life is --searching and readjusting, constantly, and making the best of everything along the way? Because, just when you think you have it . . . BAM! Everything changes and it's time to start all over again.
I feel like I suddenly have a thousand and one things on my plate and it's finally weighing me down... I try not to complain (Chris might feel differently about this. Ha!) and I really try to stay loving and positive in all situations. But, seriously, can I get some 'Personal Time Off' or 'Vacation Time' -even if only for an hour or two? (I don't even know what I would do IF I had some 'time off' but laying still, staring at the ceiling, without a SINGLE interruption, really would feel like a mini vacation!) In this new chapter of life, I either need amazing strength to continue pushing through; or I need to figure out a positive and loving way to get everyone on board and pull some more weight around here. Or I'm afraid I just might seriously crash and burn very soon. Hm, maybe a little of both?!
You know, I had always heard how going from one child to two children is the hardest adjustment and then adding a third is so easy. But what about going straight from one child to three children? Is there some kind of crash course, or Cliff Notes, for this kind of transition?! Can't we just eat out or order-in for every meal? Oh, and let's throw in house cleaning services while we're at it! Wait, do they include laundry services too?
What's your household and family flow like? Do you have any tips/solutions that you've learned along the way? I'm sure it could save me some weeks, months, and even years, of trial and error!
Broken down.
Fixable. But currently in a state of needing repair.
That's how I currently feel.
I'm tired...Exhausted... drained to the last drop --Physically, emotionally, mentally... is there any other way to feel so broken; if so, add it to the list.
Earlier today, I did the only thing I know to do when I feel this broken. I blasted the worship music throughout the house, closed my eyes, lifted my hands, and sang my heart out. What a release I felt! Wow. God has never left me. He's here --holding me and carrying me through.
*I was so desperate for some "me and God time" I forced it: KJ was at the table, 8 ft away, doing schoolwork. Liam was on the floor napping, 2 ft away. And Elly was only centimeters away from the back of my neck, hanging out in the Boba.
I'm so very, very, thankful for the life I have. I have three beautiful blessings and a hard-working husband. However, it seems as though I'm still trying to figure out how to balance everything. I'm not sure how to find that perfect balance. Does it even exist? Or is that what life is --searching and readjusting, constantly, and making the best of everything along the way? Because, just when you think you have it . . . BAM! Everything changes and it's time to start all over again.
I feel like I suddenly have a thousand and one things on my plate and it's finally weighing me down... I try not to complain (Chris might feel differently about this. Ha!) and I really try to stay loving and positive in all situations. But, seriously, can I get some 'Personal Time Off' or 'Vacation Time' -even if only for an hour or two? (I don't even know what I would do IF I had some 'time off' but laying still, staring at the ceiling, without a SINGLE interruption, really would feel like a mini vacation!) In this new chapter of life, I either need amazing strength to continue pushing through; or I need to figure out a positive and loving way to get everyone on board and pull some more weight around here. Or I'm afraid I just might seriously crash and burn very soon. Hm, maybe a little of both?!
You know, I had always heard how going from one child to two children is the hardest adjustment and then adding a third is so easy. But what about going straight from one child to three children? Is there some kind of crash course, or Cliff Notes, for this kind of transition?! Can't we just eat out or order-in for every meal? Oh, and let's throw in house cleaning services while we're at it! Wait, do they include laundry services too?
What's your household and family flow like? Do you have any tips/solutions that you've learned along the way? I'm sure it could save me some weeks, months, and even years, of trial and error!
October 23, 2013
Pack up! (leaving the house with twins.)
When I want to leave the house, I have to start planning two days ahead! I don't just make "a quick run" out of the house. I plan a whole day of things to do (neccessity and leasure) because it just doesn't seem worth my time and all the hassle to just leave for one errand.
I can't just wake up and get ready to leave. First I need to pump (and hope the babies stay asleep long enough to get it done without interruption (typically an hour, to hour and a half, from beginning to end -includes distributing ounces for the day and ounces to freeze and then clean up). Then there's getting everyone "ready".
September 11, 2013
Facing Reality
2:48amI'm still awake. The twins have been sleeping for about an hour now; yet, here I am —still awake. I'm just not sleepy.
I've neglected blogging for many reasons. The main reason is I lack time management skills right now. The hidden reason is I don't know exactly what to write about anymore. Strange, I know. This blog has gone through my many different seasons: happy marriage, troubled marriage, parenting a public schooled child, homeschooling, fostering/adoption journey, infertility/trying to conceive, aggravating health issues, IVF, twin pregnancy, and now... learning how to raise babies all over again and readjusting to a "new normal".
I wish I made time everyday to write a little something about our day. But honestly, each entry would basically be the same: "I fed the babies. We played with them. They smiled and coo'd. Cloth diapering is still awesome and going very well. They cried. They napped. I'm exhausted. KJ had a great (or not-so-great) day. My emotions kind of suck again today... etc." ::pause:: yeah, my emotions really do kind of suck and that's what I'm choosing to blog about tonight. I've always tried to be myself and keep things "real" here, on my blog. Well, this is real. My life right now is super crazy at times, with feedings, diaper changes, sleep deprivation, 9 yr old melt-downs, and unspoken tension. However, my life right now is also super blessed! I mean, serious prayers have been answered. God blessed our family with way more than we ever imagined. But hormones and emotions still feel out of whack and sometimes I feel like I'm loosing my joy (not my "I'm in love with my babies" joy (that's still at 100%!!). More like my "I'm in love with life", as a whole, kind of joy).
All I want to do is lay around and only get up to feed my babies, really. In my mind, I always plan tomorrow out to be different. "I'm going to wake up at a decent hour and do something with my day." I always plan to go for a walk or clean 'this' and 'that'. I always plan on organizing something around the house to get somewhat of my 'old self' back. But I either feel too exhausted and I'd rather not use up my "resting time" to clean and organize or I just don't "feel like it". Yet, I can't stand that every day goes by and I don't do enough cleaning or organizing around here. Doesn't make much sense. I want to but I don't. I think it's more like I've lost the "care" to do anything other than take care of my children.
That can't be healthy, right?
Now, after having my first daughter, back in 2004, I fell into [postpartum] depression. I had no idea then. I didn't figure it out until years later. I looked back and realized that I really wasn't the healthiest, emotionally, that I could have been. This time around, I kept saying I knew what to look for. I fought hard in the beginning to stay focused on all the positive around me. I openly discussed my thoughts and feelings with Chris and others that asked. I felt "ready", in a sense, to tackle the postpartum stage.
Lately, I've started to wonder "what really qualifies as clinical depression?". I'm only human. I know that it's okay to have some low feelings. I know that not every moment of every day will feel wonderful. I know that this is just a phase and horrible concoction of 'new mommy hormones', sleep deprivation, mixed with health issues and a very slow recovery from the c-section —all on top of Chris recently going back to working 12+ hr days (after having 12 weeks off), leaving me to feel like I'm doing this all alone. And I feel like such a baby when I fall into the "I'm just so tired" [whiny] mind set. I knew I was going to have to be the one up with them during the night, since Chris leaves for work as early as 6am on most days. I knew that I would be caring for three children during the day. I just had no idea that my body would take this long to fully recover. I had also forgotten what it felt like to get absolutely NO break from the never ending 'baby days'.
I will definitely take responsibility where needed: my eating habits. I have gone nuts-o with eating whatever I want, however much of it I want. It's so HORRIBLE!!! I've always been an emotional eater and right now it's probably at it's worse! It's just a viscous, never-ending, cycle. I wake up feeling blah, so I eat whatever I find. Then my body feels uck again and I think of something else "yummy" to go and munch on. Then I get bummed out that I'm just eating junk . . . and yes, then I go and eat more junk! And I've read and heard so much about how food affects moods. These last few days, I've really tried to be more mindful about what I'm putting in my body. I'm trying to get back to the healthier mind-set I had while I was pregnant, working hard to keep my babies healthy and in as long as possible.
So, I decided to be a bit transparent about this phase of my life right now in hopes to gain some insight from others' experiences and also in hopes to help others know that battling these ups and downs is "normal". It might not be a healthy normal but regardless, it happens and no one is alone in this. That I do know.
I am in constant prayer and I do know that soon I will be able to look back on this time and know it was only part of this wonderful journey I am on.
... and now I shall pump and try to get some sleep!
Thanks for your constant support, love, and prayers.
October 18, 2012
IVF #1, Day 20: Oh what a morning!
What a day it's been already!
Horrible endo pain woke me up at 5:32am. I had been rolling around, in bed, trying to let it pass, hoping to just stay asleep. But this was the kind of endo pain that makes you wonder if your ovary is about to explode!
The only way I can explain the pain, for those who don't know what endo pain is like, is... Imagine your ovaries are balloons. Normally, you aren't even aware of where they are because you don't feel them in any way. However, these "balloons" feel as though they are just tiny water balloons that someone is over-filling. They keep stretching and expanding, fitting more and more water. They felt as if they are to the point where they are riiiiight about to explode.
If you can imagine that kind of burning, stabbing, pulling, twisting, tearing, -like excruciating pain —that's the kind of pain that woke me up at 5:32am. And I'll tell you what caused it. It might be TMI for some of you... (but if you've been reading my blog long enough, you'll know that my version of "TMI" might be some what different than 'the average bear's'.) When my intestines fill up, as in, I have to "go potty", it causes endo pain. When my bladder fills up, it causes pain. When I empty my bladder, everything re-shifts and causes another episode of pain (most times). When I "go potty", my intestines are now empty and re-shift and always causes another episode of pain. Sometimes the 'before' pain is so much worse than the 'after' pain. Sometimes the 'after' pain is so much worse than the 'before' pain. And then sometimes they are both just as paralyzing.
I've been regretting not getting another surgery before IVF only because it won't "just go away" —unless someone lasers it out. So, if I end up pregnant, which is exactly what we are praying for, I will have to fight these pains every.single.day. of my pregnancy, and for a while afterwards. If we don't end up pregnant from this round of IVF, I feel very strongly that I will opt for a surgery first, to get rid of as much endo and lesions as possible, before starting a "FET", frozen embryo transfer (since we had one embryo survive long enough to be frozen!).
*endo pain and full episodes can also occur, for me, if I go from a sitting position to a standing position too fast (get up too fast), switch laying positions too fast, lean too far forward while in a sitting position (polishing toenails, picking something up from the floor, lean forward to tie my shoes wrong, do a full-body stretch (laying or standing —arms over head while both legs are straight. Also, too much walking, standing, or movement (sweeping, yard work, vacuuming, mopping, or even recreational, etc.). Sneezing causes pain, if I don't crouch down or curl up somehow, before, to brace for the forceful explosion, along with coughing, gagging (I do unfortunately have a very sensitive gag reflex and gag every single time I brush my teeth. lol). And here's the real personal one... I'll share it only because I really try to spread awareness of how extreme endometriosis/"endo pain" changes a person's life. After every single orgasm, I suffer with 20-45 mins of a painful endo episode (typical endo "episode": entire body tense from excruciating pain, have to focus on breathing to help keep nausea away. When any extreme episode finally passes, I am EXHAUSTED, no matter how energetic I felt prior to the episode, and my whole body tingles from finally relaxing and getting good blood flow.) Now, that really puts a damper on things, if you can imagine! It's one thing to mess with my personal daily life, but it's really upsetting when it messes with my relationship!
If you, or someone you know, experience anything similar to what I just described. Please do NOT brush it off as "menstrual cramps" (because, yes, it does flare up even worse around 'that time of the month'); make an appointment with a doctor and tell them exactly what you experience and that you are concerned you might have "endometriosis". And here's another important part to this: if they don't do anything about it (look into it further) keep going to new doctor until you find one that will listen and take you seriously!!
I was 12 years old when I had my first signs of this horrible disease. We thought it was just horrible menstruation — little did we, my mom, sis, and myself, know that "horrible" menstruation is the first sign to something being "wrong". (I didn't get [correctly] diagnosed until I was 26!) It's not normal. (now back to my blog... lol. I just absolutely felt the need to share from my experiences and perspective.)
I got up to "go potty" and, a whole 28 mins later, the pain started to calm down. I crawled back into bed, knowing that Chris's alarm would be waking him up in 30 mins and my alarm would go off in an hour and a half. It took me an entire hour to fall back to sleep. Thirty minutes later, my alarm went off.
KJ was the worse grump, when I went in to wake her up! Cranky, yelling, complaining, whining, crying —very extreme this morning. I did my best to help her be positive, but it didn't seem to do any good. (I did my best to keep my blood pressure down and avoid "stress", as instructed after the transfer.)
We managed to leave on time and it was perfect —no traffic! I had to be at RMA, Medical Ctr., by 9am, to get my progesterone level checked. Everything was going so well... until my car started acting up. I had already driven for 15 minutes; I only had another 10 minutes to drive, but I knew I wouldn't make it safely. (my car refused to accelerate into fourth gear. The engine just revs instead of jumping into fourth gear. Then, at times, it would'n't even accelerate past first gear!)
"Don't stress...don't stress..."
There I was, 10 minutes away from my destination, parked in an unfamiliar neighborhood, crying. I called and had to have my appointment moved to tomorrow. I prayed and got back on the road, heading home, driving mostly in "2", second. —not "D"... that scared me too because I was afraid I was messing up my car even more, but that was the only way my car would accelerate enough to keep momentum.)
I reminded myself that there must be a reason for this —because on the way home, my car worked just fine, going into all the needed gears, most of the way. If only I could have kept driving to my appointment! It did, eventually, start acting up again when I was just minutes from my house, but still on the highway!
I made it home safely, by 9:17am, put some eggs in a pot to boil, and I'm now trying to "relax". Car trouble is never a way to "relax" though. lol
Today is "2dp5dt" (two days past 5 day transfer). I have 9 more days before we test for pregnancy!
'To a better day!
Horrible endo pain woke me up at 5:32am. I had been rolling around, in bed, trying to let it pass, hoping to just stay asleep. But this was the kind of endo pain that makes you wonder if your ovary is about to explode!
The only way I can explain the pain, for those who don't know what endo pain is like, is... Imagine your ovaries are balloons. Normally, you aren't even aware of where they are because you don't feel them in any way. However, these "balloons" feel as though they are just tiny water balloons that someone is over-filling. They keep stretching and expanding, fitting more and more water. They felt as if they are to the point where they are riiiiight about to explode.
If you can imagine that kind of burning, stabbing, pulling, twisting, tearing, -like excruciating pain —that's the kind of pain that woke me up at 5:32am. And I'll tell you what caused it. It might be TMI for some of you... (but if you've been reading my blog long enough, you'll know that my version of "TMI" might be some what different than 'the average bear's'.) When my intestines fill up, as in, I have to "go potty", it causes endo pain. When my bladder fills up, it causes pain. When I empty my bladder, everything re-shifts and causes another episode of pain (most times). When I "go potty", my intestines are now empty and re-shift and always causes another episode of pain. Sometimes the 'before' pain is so much worse than the 'after' pain. Sometimes the 'after' pain is so much worse than the 'before' pain. And then sometimes they are both just as paralyzing.
I've been regretting not getting another surgery before IVF only because it won't "just go away" —unless someone lasers it out. So, if I end up pregnant, which is exactly what we are praying for, I will have to fight these pains every.single.day. of my pregnancy, and for a while afterwards. If we don't end up pregnant from this round of IVF, I feel very strongly that I will opt for a surgery first, to get rid of as much endo and lesions as possible, before starting a "FET", frozen embryo transfer (since we had one embryo survive long enough to be frozen!).
*endo pain and full episodes can also occur, for me, if I go from a sitting position to a standing position too fast (get up too fast), switch laying positions too fast, lean too far forward while in a sitting position (polishing toenails, picking something up from the floor, lean forward to tie my shoes wrong, do a full-body stretch (laying or standing —arms over head while both legs are straight. Also, too much walking, standing, or movement (sweeping, yard work, vacuuming, mopping, or even recreational, etc.). Sneezing causes pain, if I don't crouch down or curl up somehow, before, to brace for the forceful explosion, along with coughing, gagging (I do unfortunately have a very sensitive gag reflex and gag every single time I brush my teeth. lol). And here's the real personal one... I'll share it only because I really try to spread awareness of how extreme endometriosis/"endo pain" changes a person's life. After every single orgasm, I suffer with 20-45 mins of a painful endo episode (typical endo "episode": entire body tense from excruciating pain, have to focus on breathing to help keep nausea away. When any extreme episode finally passes, I am EXHAUSTED, no matter how energetic I felt prior to the episode, and my whole body tingles from finally relaxing and getting good blood flow.) Now, that really puts a damper on things, if you can imagine! It's one thing to mess with my personal daily life, but it's really upsetting when it messes with my relationship!
If you, or someone you know, experience anything similar to what I just described. Please do NOT brush it off as "menstrual cramps" (because, yes, it does flare up even worse around 'that time of the month'); make an appointment with a doctor and tell them exactly what you experience and that you are concerned you might have "endometriosis". And here's another important part to this: if they don't do anything about it (look into it further) keep going to new doctor until you find one that will listen and take you seriously!!
I was 12 years old when I had my first signs of this horrible disease. We thought it was just horrible menstruation — little did we, my mom, sis, and myself, know that "horrible" menstruation is the first sign to something being "wrong". (I didn't get [correctly] diagnosed until I was 26!) It's not normal. (now back to my blog... lol. I just absolutely felt the need to share from my experiences and perspective.)
I got up to "go potty" and, a whole 28 mins later, the pain started to calm down. I crawled back into bed, knowing that Chris's alarm would be waking him up in 30 mins and my alarm would go off in an hour and a half. It took me an entire hour to fall back to sleep. Thirty minutes later, my alarm went off.
KJ was the worse grump, when I went in to wake her up! Cranky, yelling, complaining, whining, crying —very extreme this morning. I did my best to help her be positive, but it didn't seem to do any good. (I did my best to keep my blood pressure down and avoid "stress", as instructed after the transfer.)
We managed to leave on time and it was perfect —no traffic! I had to be at RMA, Medical Ctr., by 9am, to get my progesterone level checked. Everything was going so well... until my car started acting up. I had already driven for 15 minutes; I only had another 10 minutes to drive, but I knew I wouldn't make it safely. (my car refused to accelerate into fourth gear. The engine just revs instead of jumping into fourth gear. Then, at times, it would'n't even accelerate past first gear!)
"Don't stress...don't stress..."
There I was, 10 minutes away from my destination, parked in an unfamiliar neighborhood, crying. I called and had to have my appointment moved to tomorrow. I prayed and got back on the road, heading home, driving mostly in "2", second. —not "D"... that scared me too because I was afraid I was messing up my car even more, but that was the only way my car would accelerate enough to keep momentum.)
I reminded myself that there must be a reason for this —because on the way home, my car worked just fine, going into all the needed gears, most of the way. If only I could have kept driving to my appointment! It did, eventually, start acting up again when I was just minutes from my house, but still on the highway!
I made it home safely, by 9:17am, put some eggs in a pot to boil, and I'm now trying to "relax". Car trouble is never a way to "relax" though. lol
Today is "2dp5dt" (two days past 5 day transfer). I have 9 more days before we test for pregnancy!
'To a better day!
October 16, 2012
IVF #1, Day 18: Transfer Day!!
Today, felt like a dream. Everything about it felt like a dream...
Woke up at 7:45am. Went to wake up KJ but she was a grump. I sadly walked out of her room to go shower. She realized I was really excited and that she might have hurt my feelings; she yelled from her bed, "Mom?! I'm sorry if I was rude! I don't mean to be rude! I'm just tired." I was happy that she was considering my feelings and apologized all on her own. :)
We left the house later than I wanted to because we were still grabbing last minute things for KJ (snacks, her book, a sweater, etc.). Chris drove.
We signed in three minutes late. No biggie; they weren't busy. We were the only ones there. We took a family photo to remember that moment. It was full of excitement and joy!
I got called and the three of us quickly followed the nurse. I was instructed to change into the gown, hair cover, and booties, once again. I hopped into bed and then the embryologist came out. She happily showed me a picture of our two beautiful embryos that "made it", without any doubt. She said there was a third that might make it to freezing, but they wouldn't know until Wednesday. (the fourth one definitely did not make it to day 5.)
The embryo on the right is the strongest. She said it looks "perfect"! The one on the left isn't quite there yet —it still has some work and catching up to do.
That's when she said that it is completely up to us, because we are down to just two embryos, if we want to transfer both or just one. What a huge decision to have to make right then and there! She stepped out, so Chris and I could discuss our plan. I quickly told Chris that I want both to be transferred; he looked like he was going to pass out! lol I reminded him that all this time, from beginning of IVF process, we had both been saying that we really hope they let us transfer two. But now, he wasn't sure. It was real and we needed a decision soon. After some discussing, he was fully on board to transfer two (a high-five and all. lol!)
Dr. A made his way in to talk with us. He gave us some medical facts and statistics on a twin pregnancy. I'll be honest! It really made me think twice about transferring both embryos. But then I remembered that there are no guarantees that two embryos lead to a twin pregnancy. I've known of two embryos leading to no pregnancy at all! I had to remind myself that God is in control —over medical facts and statistics. (I mean, when KJ was born five weeks early, according to the "charts", but was almost 7lbs, I remember how the statistics and medical facts were showing that she would need NICU and tubes. We were told that she would develop slower. I remember being really concerned, but then seeing how God took care of her and kept her out of NICU, never needing to go even once. She's one smart kiddo and her pediatrician would always comment on how "amazing" she's coming along, more advanced than the "average kid", between 12 months and 4 years. It's because God is amazing like that!).
So, when the doctor left the room, to give us time to, again, think it over, he left the room reassuring us that there is no "right or wrong answer", that it's our choice completely. Chris seemed unsure about it just because he was really concerned about medical health of having twins (between myself and two babies). I had to remind him that this does not guarantee twins; the way I saw it was, it was giving us two chances at the same time, instead of just one chance, at conceiving a baby. He kept asking "what do you think?". Without hesitation, I was telling him everything that was crossing my mind. I kept coming back to the fact that God is in control. If he hadn't had it in "our plan" to have a baby these past four and a half years, that we've been trying to conceive, then just because we transfer two does not mean that He does not have control over "our plan" anymore. I, very strongly, felt that if twins were in our plan, God would take care of everything according to His will. If all this time, only one baby is in our plan, then God will make sure it happens that way. There was no other way for me to put it in words. I just knew, and still know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God is fully in control and will bless us according to His plan for our lives.
I could tell Chris was still a bit hesitant but he said "okay, I trust you" and I remember thinking, "me?. . . you trust me? What about God? Don't you trust Him??!" (then I thought, "Well, if I am trusting God and Chris is trusting my trust in God... then I sure hopes that means he also trusts that God is in control —no matter what we, or doctors, say or do...?") So, we gave them our decision.... "Transfer two."
It was such a surreal experience for me. *except as rough as Dr. A was, it reminded me that it was very real. lol. I couldn't hold back my emotions (I had already balled just when we saw the picture of our embryos. It became as real as this whole experience can possibly be. Life had been created and there it was, in picture form, right in front of my eyes.) and the staff member that stayed by my side, during the entire procedure, was absolutely God-sent and amazing! She explained everything in detail. Especially when things felt too rough, she calmly reassured me that it was almost done and she even offered for me to squeeze her hand (because I had a death grip on the blankets). *for some reason, this particular doctor, in the two times he has had to be in my "personal areas", has seemed to be too much in a hurry and extremely rough. :( very disappointing! Watching the transfer take place was amazing and emotional. The idea of two fertilized embryos going into my uterus was incredible and almost too much to take in at once. I did my best to enjoy every moment and just slow my thoughts down... one thought at a time; one moment at a time. Only God knows what our future holds.
I was wheeled out to the recovery/rest area and told to lay completely flat for 30 minutes. The three of us were more quiet than usual; everyone was kind of doing their own thing...
Once the time was up, I changed and we drove home. I laid on the couch the entire day, until we went to bed at 11pm or so. (I did make sure to remember my progesterone shot on time.) "Doctor's orders" were to lay flat for the rest of the day; tomorrow, you can sit up but still don't do anything —let your husband take care of all the cooking and cleaning."!! :) (sounds like a great plan to me! haha)
I still can't believe that I'm laying around with two little embryos in my uterus... the only thing that reminds me that this is not a dream is when I look at our printed picture of our two beautiful embryos!! I'm full of awe and amazement —that God has allowed us to see such early, early, stages of life... How amazing is that?!!!
I will go for a progesterone check on Thursday, at 9am. They need to make sure my levels are 'just right'; if not, they'll have to raise my daily dose (injection). The anticipated pregnancy test (blood work) is scheduled for October 27th!!! Only 11 days away!!! Wow —just wow.
We are counting down the days...
*a few more pics:
Woke up at 7:45am. Went to wake up KJ but she was a grump. I sadly walked out of her room to go shower. She realized I was really excited and that she might have hurt my feelings; she yelled from her bed, "Mom?! I'm sorry if I was rude! I don't mean to be rude! I'm just tired." I was happy that she was considering my feelings and apologized all on her own. :)
We left the house later than I wanted to because we were still grabbing last minute things for KJ (snacks, her book, a sweater, etc.). Chris drove.
We signed in three minutes late. No biggie; they weren't busy. We were the only ones there. We took a family photo to remember that moment. It was full of excitement and joy!
 |
I got called and the three of us quickly followed the nurse. I was instructed to change into the gown, hair cover, and booties, once again. I hopped into bed and then the embryologist came out. She happily showed me a picture of our two beautiful embryos that "made it", without any doubt. She said there was a third that might make it to freezing, but they wouldn't know until Wednesday. (the fourth one definitely did not make it to day 5.)
The embryo on the right is the strongest. She said it looks "perfect"! The one on the left isn't quite there yet —it still has some work and catching up to do.
That's when she said that it is completely up to us, because we are down to just two embryos, if we want to transfer both or just one. What a huge decision to have to make right then and there! She stepped out, so Chris and I could discuss our plan. I quickly told Chris that I want both to be transferred; he looked like he was going to pass out! lol I reminded him that all this time, from beginning of IVF process, we had both been saying that we really hope they let us transfer two. But now, he wasn't sure. It was real and we needed a decision soon. After some discussing, he was fully on board to transfer two (a high-five and all. lol!)
Dr. A made his way in to talk with us. He gave us some medical facts and statistics on a twin pregnancy. I'll be honest! It really made me think twice about transferring both embryos. But then I remembered that there are no guarantees that two embryos lead to a twin pregnancy. I've known of two embryos leading to no pregnancy at all! I had to remind myself that God is in control —over medical facts and statistics. (I mean, when KJ was born five weeks early, according to the "charts", but was almost 7lbs, I remember how the statistics and medical facts were showing that she would need NICU and tubes. We were told that she would develop slower. I remember being really concerned, but then seeing how God took care of her and kept her out of NICU, never needing to go even once. She's one smart kiddo and her pediatrician would always comment on how "amazing" she's coming along, more advanced than the "average kid", between 12 months and 4 years. It's because God is amazing like that!).
So, when the doctor left the room, to give us time to, again, think it over, he left the room reassuring us that there is no "right or wrong answer", that it's our choice completely. Chris seemed unsure about it just because he was really concerned about medical health of having twins (between myself and two babies). I had to remind him that this does not guarantee twins; the way I saw it was, it was giving us two chances at the same time, instead of just one chance, at conceiving a baby. He kept asking "what do you think?". Without hesitation, I was telling him everything that was crossing my mind. I kept coming back to the fact that God is in control. If he hadn't had it in "our plan" to have a baby these past four and a half years, that we've been trying to conceive, then just because we transfer two does not mean that He does not have control over "our plan" anymore. I, very strongly, felt that if twins were in our plan, God would take care of everything according to His will. If all this time, only one baby is in our plan, then God will make sure it happens that way. There was no other way for me to put it in words. I just knew, and still know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God is fully in control and will bless us according to His plan for our lives.
I could tell Chris was still a bit hesitant but he said "okay, I trust you" and I remember thinking, "me?. . . you trust me? What about God? Don't you trust Him??!" (then I thought, "Well, if I am trusting God and Chris is trusting my trust in God... then I sure hopes that means he also trusts that God is in control —no matter what we, or doctors, say or do...?") So, we gave them our decision.... "Transfer two."
It was such a surreal experience for me. *except as rough as Dr. A was, it reminded me that it was very real. lol. I couldn't hold back my emotions (I had already balled just when we saw the picture of our embryos. It became as real as this whole experience can possibly be. Life had been created and there it was, in picture form, right in front of my eyes.) and the staff member that stayed by my side, during the entire procedure, was absolutely God-sent and amazing! She explained everything in detail. Especially when things felt too rough, she calmly reassured me that it was almost done and she even offered for me to squeeze her hand (because I had a death grip on the blankets). *for some reason, this particular doctor, in the two times he has had to be in my "personal areas", has seemed to be too much in a hurry and extremely rough. :( very disappointing! Watching the transfer take place was amazing and emotional. The idea of two fertilized embryos going into my uterus was incredible and almost too much to take in at once. I did my best to enjoy every moment and just slow my thoughts down... one thought at a time; one moment at a time. Only God knows what our future holds.
I was wheeled out to the recovery/rest area and told to lay completely flat for 30 minutes. The three of us were more quiet than usual; everyone was kind of doing their own thing...
 |
| Laying for 30 mins |
 |
| Keeping me company, eating her snacks. :) |
Once the time was up, I changed and we drove home. I laid on the couch the entire day, until we went to bed at 11pm or so. (I did make sure to remember my progesterone shot on time.) "Doctor's orders" were to lay flat for the rest of the day; tomorrow, you can sit up but still don't do anything —let your husband take care of all the cooking and cleaning."!! :) (sounds like a great plan to me! haha)
I still can't believe that I'm laying around with two little embryos in my uterus... the only thing that reminds me that this is not a dream is when I look at our printed picture of our two beautiful embryos!! I'm full of awe and amazement —that God has allowed us to see such early, early, stages of life... How amazing is that?!!!
I will go for a progesterone check on Thursday, at 9am. They need to make sure my levels are 'just right'; if not, they'll have to raise my daily dose (injection). The anticipated pregnancy test (blood work) is scheduled for October 27th!!! Only 11 days away!!! Wow —just wow.
We are counting down the days...
*a few more pics:
 |
| Dr. A was nice enough to give us the petri dish, where our embryos fertilized and grew for 5 days, as a keepsake! It's so small —only about the size of a quarter. (you can see the number "4" scratched on the dish, lower left side.) |
 |
| Nightly injection of progesterone. (doesn't he look just a little too happy |
October 10, 2012
IVF #1: Random things to share
Of all the things to fill my mind, I found myself thinking, just now, "I really really hope that if the embryo(s) attach and become a pregnancy that I experience morning sickness! Because then I know I'm pregnant!!" lol I had not a single amount of morning sickness when I was pregnant with KJ. Back then, I was super thankful and I loved it. This time around, I wonder if I am going to feel like it's "not real" unless I feel some kind of huge change, daily...
I'm sure that's normal, right? Crazy thoughts . . . hoping to become pregnant and be reminded every day. Okay, maybe it's silly to some —but it crossed my mind and made me agree with myself. lol
Something else that has happened and I forgot to mention in my daily posts:
The day that I was visiting my parents... last friday... Remember I mentioned spending the day with my parents and going out to some stores with them? Well, we were shopping at Sam's Club and out of nowhere, we weren't even having a convo about IVF, Kryssa holds my mom's hand, looks up at her, and says "Grandma, maybe you should get IVF, too!! Then I can have a baby..." she was about to say cousin but then I told her it would be her aunt —all while we were cracking up (and tearing up from laughing so hard) over what KJ had just said!!! LOL My mom lovingly explained to KJ that God made women's bodies to not be able to have children after a certain age (but in my head, I was thinking . . . "hm, but IVF with donor eggs, and even sperm if needed, could work..." hahaha). My poor child just want anyone to have a baby at this point. She desperately longs for a little baby in her life, as do we. :)
KJ has been involved with most of our IVF talks. I've explained how it works (they take daddy's sperm and mommy's eggs and they fertilize the egg with the sperm. Then they watch to see which ones are forming correctly and they will put one or two back into mommy's uterus in hopes that it attaches to the lining and grows into a baby... *I still am partially thankful that she has not asked, yet, how that normally happens without IVF. I haven't had to explain how body parts come together and I really don't think I'm ready to explain that yet... is that wrong of me? What if she already knows —because she knows about individual parts and has figured it out?? ugh! I don't even want to think about it now...* Okay, so, she knows that the injections I've been on are to help produce as many eggs as possible and she knows that the eggs are going to be retrieved on tomorrow, Thursday ... This morning, 6am, I go in to wake her up and, so randomly, she asks me, "Mommy?... are the eggs they are going to retrieve just like regular eggs, like the eggs we eat?" My heart melted with love —over her child-like thoughts. I love hearing her questions as she grows! I giggled as I kindly told her "no" and then reminded her that they are super duper micro-scopic... As I got ready for my appointment, I just kept laughing, in my head, thinking of KJ thinking about her mom filling up with these "regular eggs, like the eggs we eat"... LOL I wonder if she thought I could lay eggs too. hahaha!
Last, but not least, I have been so overwhelmed with love towards our KJ. She has been so considerate, loving, and helpful, in any way possible, during this whole process. She has held my hand several times, when she would see me cringing from pain of the Menopur injection. She has kept me hydrated —she loves to serve me ice water; I think, in her mind, it helps relax me (which it does because I love drinking ice water throughout the day). Most nights, during injections, she would call out from the stairs, asking if she could watch —saying, "I can't sleep knowing you're getting your injections..."
This IVF cycle really has brought out the best in our family. We don't know what the outcome with be —new baby or not. But the journey alone, so far, has been such a blessing! (not to mention the connections I've made with other people, so-called "strangers", that have traveled this same journey; all the love, support, prayers, and encouraging words from family, friends, and fellow "IVFers"! I am so grateful.)
I'm sure that's normal, right? Crazy thoughts . . . hoping to become pregnant and be reminded every day. Okay, maybe it's silly to some —but it crossed my mind and made me agree with myself. lol
Something else that has happened and I forgot to mention in my daily posts:
The day that I was visiting my parents... last friday... Remember I mentioned spending the day with my parents and going out to some stores with them? Well, we were shopping at Sam's Club and out of nowhere, we weren't even having a convo about IVF, Kryssa holds my mom's hand, looks up at her, and says "Grandma, maybe you should get IVF, too!! Then I can have a baby..." she was about to say cousin but then I told her it would be her aunt —all while we were cracking up (and tearing up from laughing so hard) over what KJ had just said!!! LOL My mom lovingly explained to KJ that God made women's bodies to not be able to have children after a certain age (but in my head, I was thinking . . . "hm, but IVF with donor eggs, and even sperm if needed, could work..." hahaha). My poor child just want anyone to have a baby at this point. She desperately longs for a little baby in her life, as do we. :)
KJ has been involved with most of our IVF talks. I've explained how it works (they take daddy's sperm and mommy's eggs and they fertilize the egg with the sperm. Then they watch to see which ones are forming correctly and they will put one or two back into mommy's uterus in hopes that it attaches to the lining and grows into a baby... *I still am partially thankful that she has not asked, yet, how that normally happens without IVF. I haven't had to explain how body parts come together and I really don't think I'm ready to explain that yet... is that wrong of me? What if she already knows —because she knows about individual parts and has figured it out?? ugh! I don't even want to think about it now...* Okay, so, she knows that the injections I've been on are to help produce as many eggs as possible and she knows that the eggs are going to be retrieved on tomorrow, Thursday ... This morning, 6am, I go in to wake her up and, so randomly, she asks me, "Mommy?... are the eggs they are going to retrieve just like regular eggs, like the eggs we eat?" My heart melted with love —over her child-like thoughts. I love hearing her questions as she grows! I giggled as I kindly told her "no" and then reminded her that they are super duper micro-scopic... As I got ready for my appointment, I just kept laughing, in my head, thinking of KJ thinking about her mom filling up with these "regular eggs, like the eggs we eat"... LOL I wonder if she thought I could lay eggs too. hahaha!
Last, but not least, I have been so overwhelmed with love towards our KJ. She has been so considerate, loving, and helpful, in any way possible, during this whole process. She has held my hand several times, when she would see me cringing from pain of the Menopur injection. She has kept me hydrated —she loves to serve me ice water; I think, in her mind, it helps relax me (which it does because I love drinking ice water throughout the day). Most nights, during injections, she would call out from the stairs, asking if she could watch —saying, "I can't sleep knowing you're getting your injections..."
This IVF cycle really has brought out the best in our family. We don't know what the outcome with be —new baby or not. But the journey alone, so far, has been such a blessing! (not to mention the connections I've made with other people, so-called "strangers", that have traveled this same journey; all the love, support, prayers, and encouraging words from family, friends, and fellow "IVFers"! I am so grateful.)
September 30, 2012
Goodbye Twenties. Hello Thirties!
I still have to double check this is real life! I don't feel like it's time to be thirty, lol. But it is what it is, right? I had really been excited to turn thirty. For me, it meant starting a new decade and for some reason that excited me. However, the last day of my twenties became an emotional day of great memories: celebrating 10 wedding anniversaries, auditioning for American Idol, having our baby, buying our first house, paying off our car, having crazy pets over the years (a ferret, 4 cats, 5 dogs, many fish, one that was approximately seven years old before it passed, and KJ's hamster), fostering a wonderful teenager, traveling, watching our 'little one' grow up, and many, many more!
Because I had to start my ivf injections on my birthday, I tried my absolute best to have as much fun as possible and keep my mind busy with making new memories. I woke up at 7:30am, to color my 'white streak' purple (I literally have a skunk-looking streak of white hair, started when I was 15, right in the front of my hairline). Then I went on my way to my favorite breakfast place, to meet my mom, sister and close girlfriends. Parking, at this restaurant, is always an incredible challenge. So, what did I do? I parked on the non-paved part because I knew I could squeeze in past a shrub. Did I forget to mention that it had rained all day the day before and it had rained all night too —oh yeah, I did. I wasn't worried about mud because I had decided to wear my fun rain boots. However, my mom, on the other hand, was somehow convinced, by her wonderful birthday girl, to park in the same area. Her car is much bigger and much more front-heavy (I have a Focus and she has an Impala). The spot that was available was just slightly on a downward slant —and I do mean slight. And if you haven't guessed it already . . . she ended up stuck in the mud! :( I felt horrible because that is exactly why she did NOT want to try parking in that spot. But I told her it would be fine. Um, I know now that I'm not an expert with mud! ha! She tried for a while and then I gave it my try at driving her car out of nasty mud. There was a very nice man that saw us and offered his help (verbal direction and making sure I wouldn't hit anything on my way out). Approximately 20 minutes later, we were out of the mud!!! (and covered in it too! lol). We were cleaned up (enough) once it was time to sit with friends, for brunch. I had a wonderful time chatting with everyone.
After brunch, we spontaneously went to paint some pottery. My sis had a great idea, for everyone to paint on one "birthday plate" together. My girlfriend bought the pottery piece, and we all painted it together. It was so much fun!! My sister painted a hippo, one of my favorite things, in the bowl and everything looks perfect. I'm so excited to pick it up on Wednesday. (I'll post pics of the finished product)
From there, everyone said their goodbyes and KJ got to ride with grandma, while Chris and I had 30 mins, or so, of quiet time together. It was wonderful getting to sit and eat some frozen yogurt with him; however, because things calmed down, all we could really talk about was ivf, our injections being only hours away, and the possibility of actually getting to have a second baby. As nice as it is to daydream and try to plan ahead, the reality of this journey is that we just have no way of knowing what the end results will be —but sometimes it's just comforting planning ahead, for a newborn baby...
I had a quick decision to make, go home and rest before our first injections OR go out to another restaurant to celebrate again... I chose Pappadeaux! :) This allowed me to celebrate with our dads and with my hubby (since the brunch was just for the gals). On the way to the restaurant, Chris stopped and bought a carrot cake, my favorite! And once we parked at the restaurant, he got busy decorating the cake for me...
Celebrating my 30th birthday was wonderful. It was toned down and very simple —yet extremely memorable! It was nothing like I had originally planned (I had thought to do something big and extreme, since it was my thirtieth. but due to IVF my plans had to change and I was, eventually, okay with that.) but it was so perfect!
*I knew I'd have to really work on not crying all day for everything and nothing at the same time. My mom gave me such an amazing gift: A shadow box with some very memorable items from when I was first born. I held it together as best as I could . . . watery eyes and a lump in the throat —but I managed to not break down and cry. And then one of my bffs (of 14 yrs) handed me another gift: in the gift bag was a super cute purse and a small bottle of lotion. I see "Lamaze" on the bottle and think to myself, "I know I've seen this brand somewhere; what is this?" And then I read: "Belly Cream". There wasn't a single dry eye at our table (even a girl friend of mine that, seriously, NEVER cries, lol!). My friend explained that she truly believes that I will have a baby in my belly some day and that lotion will come in handy... ;) What a sweet and thoughtful gift. Later, at dinner, my father-in-law gave me a gift bag with my favorite box of Godiva chocolate and a small bag of Godiva truffles!! Even though I can't have chocolate right now, I look forward to being able to break into that box and bag and enjoy a small taste in maybe a month or so! :)
So this is what life feels like at thirty? ... it feels amazing!
Because I had to start my ivf injections on my birthday, I tried my absolute best to have as much fun as possible and keep my mind busy with making new memories. I woke up at 7:30am, to color my 'white streak' purple (I literally have a skunk-looking streak of white hair, started when I was 15, right in the front of my hairline). Then I went on my way to my favorite breakfast place, to meet my mom, sister and close girlfriends. Parking, at this restaurant, is always an incredible challenge. So, what did I do? I parked on the non-paved part because I knew I could squeeze in past a shrub. Did I forget to mention that it had rained all day the day before and it had rained all night too —oh yeah, I did. I wasn't worried about mud because I had decided to wear my fun rain boots. However, my mom, on the other hand, was somehow convinced, by her wonderful birthday girl, to park in the same area. Her car is much bigger and much more front-heavy (I have a Focus and she has an Impala). The spot that was available was just slightly on a downward slant —and I do mean slight. And if you haven't guessed it already . . . she ended up stuck in the mud! :( I felt horrible because that is exactly why she did NOT want to try parking in that spot. But I told her it would be fine. Um, I know now that I'm not an expert with mud! ha! She tried for a while and then I gave it my try at driving her car out of nasty mud. There was a very nice man that saw us and offered his help (verbal direction and making sure I wouldn't hit anything on my way out). Approximately 20 minutes later, we were out of the mud!!! (and covered in it too! lol). We were cleaned up (enough) once it was time to sit with friends, for brunch. I had a wonderful time chatting with everyone.
After brunch, we spontaneously went to paint some pottery. My sis had a great idea, for everyone to paint on one "birthday plate" together. My girlfriend bought the pottery piece, and we all painted it together. It was so much fun!! My sister painted a hippo, one of my favorite things, in the bowl and everything looks perfect. I'm so excited to pick it up on Wednesday. (I'll post pics of the finished product)
From there, everyone said their goodbyes and KJ got to ride with grandma, while Chris and I had 30 mins, or so, of quiet time together. It was wonderful getting to sit and eat some frozen yogurt with him; however, because things calmed down, all we could really talk about was ivf, our injections being only hours away, and the possibility of actually getting to have a second baby. As nice as it is to daydream and try to plan ahead, the reality of this journey is that we just have no way of knowing what the end results will be —but sometimes it's just comforting planning ahead, for a newborn baby...
I had a quick decision to make, go home and rest before our first injections OR go out to another restaurant to celebrate again... I chose Pappadeaux! :) This allowed me to celebrate with our dads and with my hubby (since the brunch was just for the gals). On the way to the restaurant, Chris stopped and bought a carrot cake, my favorite! And once we parked at the restaurant, he got busy decorating the cake for me...
Celebrating my 30th birthday was wonderful. It was toned down and very simple —yet extremely memorable! It was nothing like I had originally planned (I had thought to do something big and extreme, since it was my thirtieth. but due to IVF my plans had to change and I was, eventually, okay with that.) but it was so perfect!
*I knew I'd have to really work on not crying all day for everything and nothing at the same time. My mom gave me such an amazing gift: A shadow box with some very memorable items from when I was first born. I held it together as best as I could . . . watery eyes and a lump in the throat —but I managed to not break down and cry. And then one of my bffs (of 14 yrs) handed me another gift: in the gift bag was a super cute purse and a small bottle of lotion. I see "Lamaze" on the bottle and think to myself, "I know I've seen this brand somewhere; what is this?" And then I read: "Belly Cream". There wasn't a single dry eye at our table (even a girl friend of mine that, seriously, NEVER cries, lol!). My friend explained that she truly believes that I will have a baby in my belly some day and that lotion will come in handy... ;) What a sweet and thoughtful gift. Later, at dinner, my father-in-law gave me a gift bag with my favorite box of Godiva chocolate and a small bag of Godiva truffles!! Even though I can't have chocolate right now, I look forward to being able to break into that box and bag and enjoy a small taste in maybe a month or so! :)
So this is what life feels like at thirty? ... it feels amazing!
 |
| finished pottery piece! |
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| Fun birthday present! |
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| Painting pottery |
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| delicious chocolates for future enjoyment! |
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| More Godiva chocolates for future enjoyment! |
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| My hippo cake from my hubby! |
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| Carrot cake made by mom! (my favorite!) |
June 14, 2012
The Dogs and the Spiders —Uh, I mean, "the birds and the bees"...
Quick recap.
KJ was asking more in depth questions about why our new pup absolutely had to get spayed. She already knows about the dreadful "cycle" (because she asked me why I needed special "things" when I go potty. And then sometime later, also asked more about how babies are born.) so I mentioned how getting a pup spayed will also prevent the pup from having cycles (she already knew it prevents them from getting pregnant/having puppies).
Earlier, that day, Monday, she had been saying that she saw two spiders "mating". I kept asking how she knew they were mating and she was very certain when she answered. Something about the female being the larger spider and the male being the smaller spider and she saw it on some podcast or tv show. She said that they were definitely mating because they were together like when spiders mate. So, since it was on her mind, I guess that's why the other questions came later...?
So, on the day we picked up the pup, she asked if male dogs needed the surgery too and I explained, yes, but it's a different surgery, "preventing them from making babies" (I guess I kind of knew this would be coming sooner or later). Then on Monday evening, she asked again about why male dogs needed a surgery if they don't get pregnant. I took a moment to think and just repeated what I had already told her —how it prevents the making of a baby. So, since she was hooked on saying that she saw the spiders mating and that there would soon be baby spiders, I used that to help her understand. I said something along the lines of Just like a male and female spider "mate" to make baby spiders, it's the same for dogs. A male dog and a female dog "mate" to make baby puppies. And the absolute best part of the night for me was when she then said, "Oh! (here I thought she was putting it all together, somehow, on her own...) So a male dog and a female dog use their special powers to make a baby?!?". I literally laughed so quietly, and tried to not let her notice, that I ended up crying. The tears probably also came once I realized that THE TALK was basically happening and I just wasn't sure how I felt about it. Yes, there are many other things/details that take place with THE TALK —but not with a seven year old... or at least I hope she doesn't keep asking questions right now...
Then it got a bit more challenging, for me, since I was not about to let my child believe that we all have "special powers" that we use to make babies. If I would have let her continue thinking that way, I'm sure the next thing out of her mouth would have been, "So why don't y'all have special powers??!" LOL So, when I told her "no", it let to the next question, "so how does a male dog make a baby then?". I told her that it was a very good question and I would need to think about how exactly to answer that for her. She went on about who knows what and then I decided just to give her the facts, as vaguely as possible??... long story short, I reminded her about how females release an egg, once a month —the whole "cycle talk" that we had already had— and that male dogs have what are called sperm. I explained that they are super duper tiny and microscopic and that in order for puppies to be created, the sperm comes together with the egg and then it could form into a baby.
Next question, "so then are we like that too?" (geez! the questions never ended!!) I simply answered "yes." I reminded her about our "how babies are formed in the mom" talk that we had, hoping that she would NOT ask the next obvious question, HOW the sperm and egg come together!. By this point, we were already out of the car, at our destination. But she had just one more question, "So, why haven't you gotten pregnant then? do YOU not have the eggs?"... :(
I'm glad she understood. I'm glad I was able to calmly and very normally answer her questions, but I was a bit sad that she understands it enough to know that something is just not right with me. We stopped, briefly, and I explained to her that my body just isn't working the way it should. I told her, that for a while, I was on a medication that was supposed to help my body "make the eggs" because sometimes it's just not that easy for everyone. I reassured her that it doesn't mean that I am "sick" in any way. I told her that it just shows me how special and different we all are and how God has very specific plans for each of us. I told her that I trust God and whatever he has planned for our family. I gave her a HUGE kiss on the cheek and reminded her that conversations like that should be between her and mommy and daddy —that those kind of conversations could make other people uncomfortable; so we should keep it private. She smiled and said, "I know, I know. We won't talk about this inside." (we were about to go in to a restaurant). I reminded her that she can always ask us anything and that I love being able to answer her questions. :)
It was a very very bitter sweet moment. I love the fact that we have made it regular conversation —nothing awkward or uncomfortable (even though I'm not always sure how much to answer, at what age it's appropriate. I keep reminding Chris that if she doesn't get the answers from us, she is going to get them from somewhere...) and I love the fact that she knows she can ask us anything (I hope that lasts forever!). However, it was a very very sad moment realizing that she isn't completely lost in her imaginative play-world anymore either —where dogs use their special powers to have puppies! ;) hee hee
June 11, 2012 will always be remembered.
Here's to "Special Powers" as we continue on our TTC journey. :)
(lol)
KJ was asking more in depth questions about why our new pup absolutely had to get spayed. She already knows about the dreadful "cycle" (because she asked me why I needed special "things" when I go potty. And then sometime later, also asked more about how babies are born.) so I mentioned how getting a pup spayed will also prevent the pup from having cycles (she already knew it prevents them from getting pregnant/having puppies).
Earlier, that day, Monday, she had been saying that she saw two spiders "mating". I kept asking how she knew they were mating and she was very certain when she answered. Something about the female being the larger spider and the male being the smaller spider and she saw it on some podcast or tv show. She said that they were definitely mating because they were together like when spiders mate. So, since it was on her mind, I guess that's why the other questions came later...?
So, on the day we picked up the pup, she asked if male dogs needed the surgery too and I explained, yes, but it's a different surgery, "preventing them from making babies" (I guess I kind of knew this would be coming sooner or later). Then on Monday evening, she asked again about why male dogs needed a surgery if they don't get pregnant. I took a moment to think and just repeated what I had already told her —how it prevents the making of a baby. So, since she was hooked on saying that she saw the spiders mating and that there would soon be baby spiders, I used that to help her understand. I said something along the lines of Just like a male and female spider "mate" to make baby spiders, it's the same for dogs. A male dog and a female dog "mate" to make baby puppies. And the absolute best part of the night for me was when she then said, "Oh! (here I thought she was putting it all together, somehow, on her own...) So a male dog and a female dog use their special powers to make a baby?!?". I literally laughed so quietly, and tried to not let her notice, that I ended up crying. The tears probably also came once I realized that THE TALK was basically happening and I just wasn't sure how I felt about it. Yes, there are many other things/details that take place with THE TALK —but not with a seven year old... or at least I hope she doesn't keep asking questions right now...
Then it got a bit more challenging, for me, since I was not about to let my child believe that we all have "special powers" that we use to make babies. If I would have let her continue thinking that way, I'm sure the next thing out of her mouth would have been, "So why don't y'all have special powers??!" LOL So, when I told her "no", it let to the next question, "so how does a male dog make a baby then?". I told her that it was a very good question and I would need to think about how exactly to answer that for her. She went on about who knows what and then I decided just to give her the facts, as vaguely as possible??... long story short, I reminded her about how females release an egg, once a month —the whole "cycle talk" that we had already had— and that male dogs have what are called sperm. I explained that they are super duper tiny and microscopic and that in order for puppies to be created, the sperm comes together with the egg and then it could form into a baby.
Next question, "so then are we like that too?" (geez! the questions never ended!!) I simply answered "yes." I reminded her about our "how babies are formed in the mom" talk that we had, hoping that she would NOT ask the next obvious question, HOW the sperm and egg come together!. By this point, we were already out of the car, at our destination. But she had just one more question, "So, why haven't you gotten pregnant then? do YOU not have the eggs?"... :(
I'm glad she understood. I'm glad I was able to calmly and very normally answer her questions, but I was a bit sad that she understands it enough to know that something is just not right with me. We stopped, briefly, and I explained to her that my body just isn't working the way it should. I told her, that for a while, I was on a medication that was supposed to help my body "make the eggs" because sometimes it's just not that easy for everyone. I reassured her that it doesn't mean that I am "sick" in any way. I told her that it just shows me how special and different we all are and how God has very specific plans for each of us. I told her that I trust God and whatever he has planned for our family. I gave her a HUGE kiss on the cheek and reminded her that conversations like that should be between her and mommy and daddy —that those kind of conversations could make other people uncomfortable; so we should keep it private. She smiled and said, "I know, I know. We won't talk about this inside." (we were about to go in to a restaurant). I reminded her that she can always ask us anything and that I love being able to answer her questions. :)
It was a very very bitter sweet moment. I love the fact that we have made it regular conversation —nothing awkward or uncomfortable (even though I'm not always sure how much to answer, at what age it's appropriate. I keep reminding Chris that if she doesn't get the answers from us, she is going to get them from somewhere...) and I love the fact that she knows she can ask us anything (I hope that lasts forever!). However, it was a very very sad moment realizing that she isn't completely lost in her imaginative play-world anymore either —where dogs use their special powers to have puppies! ;) hee hee
June 11, 2012 will always be remembered.
Here's to "Special Powers" as we continue on our TTC journey. :)
(lol)
June 4, 2012
I am a _______________ Mom.
What's your 'fill in the blank' word this month?
Last month i filled in that blank with CHEER. This month, I will fill it in with SOCCER. I honestly have NO idea what I'm doing. lol I know nothing about soccer. My daughter knows more than I do. My hubby knows nothing about soccer... but here we go!
I rate the outdoors to be about a 6 (10 being the worst), during the hot months. during the spring and winter, I LOVE the outdoors. KJ probably loves it just about as much as I do —she can't stand the bugs (ants, mosquitoes, flies, bees, etc.). She's terrified to accidentally come in contact with poison ivy. So, I can almost picture it now: her screaming and crying on the field, terrified to move, because she saw ONE, yes ONE, ant... earlier! LOL ...but here we go!
I want to see her succeed. I want to learn the game. I want to let her experience all the things she wants to. I am really hoping that I have what it takes, as her mom, to push her just enough, not too much, to conquer those little, to her, huge, fears and annoyances.
If you have any tips or scriptures to help us begin this journey, I'd truly truly appreciate it!!
First soccer meeting, here we come!! (tonight at 6:45...outdoors.) ;P
Last month i filled in that blank with CHEER. This month, I will fill it in with SOCCER. I honestly have NO idea what I'm doing. lol I know nothing about soccer. My daughter knows more than I do. My hubby knows nothing about soccer... but here we go!
I rate the outdoors to be about a 6 (10 being the worst), during the hot months. during the spring and winter, I LOVE the outdoors. KJ probably loves it just about as much as I do —she can't stand the bugs (ants, mosquitoes, flies, bees, etc.). She's terrified to accidentally come in contact with poison ivy. So, I can almost picture it now: her screaming and crying on the field, terrified to move, because she saw ONE, yes ONE, ant... earlier! LOL ...but here we go!
I want to see her succeed. I want to learn the game. I want to let her experience all the things she wants to. I am really hoping that I have what it takes, as her mom, to push her just enough, not too much, to conquer those little, to her, huge, fears and annoyances.
If you have any tips or scriptures to help us begin this journey, I'd truly truly appreciate it!!
First soccer meeting, here we come!! (tonight at 6:45...outdoors.) ;P
October 19, 2011
Life lessons 101: The tooth fairy does not always show up
Kj lost another front tooth. It probably caused the most pain so far. She kept biting down on it --ouch!! While eating cereal, she bit down on it and it fell right out. We were all relieved --no more spontaneous cries of pain.
Kjs tooth fairy (she knows it's us) has been leaving "cool money": dollar coins or a two-dollar bill. For the first time, of four teeth, the tooth fairy did not stop by on Sunday night. We had to explain to kj that tooth fairies are not allowed to visit children that have been misbehaving (it was pretty extreme on Sunday!) she was disappointed and Wasn't sure if we really meant what we said.
She's been working on having better behavior, in hopes that the tooth fairy could make time to swing by the next time she's in the area.
*now that she's missing her two front teeth, she says she looks like a vampire. Lol she hates vampires!!
Kjs tooth fairy (she knows it's us) has been leaving "cool money": dollar coins or a two-dollar bill. For the first time, of four teeth, the tooth fairy did not stop by on Sunday night. We had to explain to kj that tooth fairies are not allowed to visit children that have been misbehaving (it was pretty extreme on Sunday!) she was disappointed and Wasn't sure if we really meant what we said.
She's been working on having better behavior, in hopes that the tooth fairy could make time to swing by the next time she's in the area.
*now that she's missing her two front teeth, she says she looks like a vampire. Lol she hates vampires!!
October 10, 2011
Saying "Goodbye" and letting her go
I haven't wanted to write about this. I still don't feel ready, even now. But I feel it might help bring some kind of closure?...if that's ever even possible.
We knew that stepping into the world of fostering would not be "a piece of cake". But we knew that the joys would always seem to outweigh the challenges. This wasn't even anyone's fault -other than the differences in how the two states processed the paper work. It wasn't done in the way that we were originally led to believe. We found out at the last minute that how we thought the process would be was completely wrong. We couldn't take the next step. It wasn't the wisest choice for her or us. It's all about 'What's best for her'. And that's how it should be, of course; but it's definitely not easy. I'm sad, angry, resentful, and even a little bitter inside. How could this have happened?! Why couldn't we have found out a whole lot sooner. We knew that there was always a chance that we wouldn't be her parents long-term. It just all seemed to happen so quickly.
All her stuff is still in her room, as if she's coming home after school —like any other regular day. I keep her room door closed to help me adjust to the change. Tonight, I finally folded our huge laundry pile and I had a stack of her clothes that I quickly folded, placed on her bed, looked around for a few seconds, shut the light off, and closed the door behind me --then quickly put a smile on my face as KJ approached me with a normal question, "mommy, where did you find this necklace? I've been looking for it!". I had to show my little KJ that "everything is alright". I can't let her see my sadness . . . not yet at least.
Thankfully, she can still come "visit" with us --as long as it continues to work out for everyone (her, her family, our family, etc.) She's back with her previous family; which is really the best case scenario —she knows them, loves them, and she will be able to just continue her days as normal (going to the same school, continuing with her usual after school activities, etc.) I hope she understands. I hope she sees all the positive in the situation —How she can get the best of both worlds. It's not "goodbye" forever. Just until she visits again.
I trust God's plan for us. We had kept this whole situation in prayer from day one. I have to trust that this is His perfect plan for everyone involved. (I like to remember how my mom encouraged me through the tough decisions. This is what I got from what she said: Even if just for a short season, it was meant to be the way it turned out. The time we all had together has influenced her and her future in very special ways...) I have to stay focused on what a wonderful young lady she has become and what a beautiful future she has ahead of her. We are forever grateful to have shared a part in her life.
Here's to trusting God for a beautiful future . . .
We knew that stepping into the world of fostering would not be "a piece of cake". But we knew that the joys would always seem to outweigh the challenges. This wasn't even anyone's fault -other than the differences in how the two states processed the paper work. It wasn't done in the way that we were originally led to believe. We found out at the last minute that how we thought the process would be was completely wrong. We couldn't take the next step. It wasn't the wisest choice for her or us. It's all about 'What's best for her'. And that's how it should be, of course; but it's definitely not easy. I'm sad, angry, resentful, and even a little bitter inside. How could this have happened?! Why couldn't we have found out a whole lot sooner. We knew that there was always a chance that we wouldn't be her parents long-term. It just all seemed to happen so quickly.
All her stuff is still in her room, as if she's coming home after school —like any other regular day. I keep her room door closed to help me adjust to the change. Tonight, I finally folded our huge laundry pile and I had a stack of her clothes that I quickly folded, placed on her bed, looked around for a few seconds, shut the light off, and closed the door behind me --then quickly put a smile on my face as KJ approached me with a normal question, "mommy, where did you find this necklace? I've been looking for it!". I had to show my little KJ that "everything is alright". I can't let her see my sadness . . . not yet at least.
Thankfully, she can still come "visit" with us --as long as it continues to work out for everyone (her, her family, our family, etc.) She's back with her previous family; which is really the best case scenario —she knows them, loves them, and she will be able to just continue her days as normal (going to the same school, continuing with her usual after school activities, etc.) I hope she understands. I hope she sees all the positive in the situation —How she can get the best of both worlds. It's not "goodbye" forever. Just until she visits again.
I trust God's plan for us. We had kept this whole situation in prayer from day one. I have to trust that this is His perfect plan for everyone involved. (I like to remember how my mom encouraged me through the tough decisions. This is what I got from what she said: Even if just for a short season, it was meant to be the way it turned out. The time we all had together has influenced her and her future in very special ways...) I have to stay focused on what a wonderful young lady she has become and what a beautiful future she has ahead of her. We are forever grateful to have shared a part in her life.
Here's to trusting God for a beautiful future . . .
August 22, 2011
My glass half full
Three out of four are currently sleeping. I have a wee bit of time to get a blog post in. :) Those two sentences alone make me happy —hee hee.
First, here's my update:
Since my last post —God has carried my heart to a much calmer place. I am strong. I am loved. I am able. :) What surrounds me will not define me. I have choices, and for now, I choose to fervently wait on God. I trust, in every way, that all areas of my life are right where I belong right now —to push me where I need to go . . . to what I need to become.
Personal goals —I was on my way to a 5k and then it quickly got taken away from me. :( I started running in May and had worked my way up to 2+ miles 3-4 times a week. I had even started to enjoy the early morning, 5:30am, run --watching the sun come up and having some extra quiet time to myself. Now, I am sad to say that I haven't run for a month now. Today is exactly four weeks since my last run --the day I pushed my body just a little too much. My shins are still in recovery mode. The doc says I could have possibly fractured my shins (micro fractures). I'm supposed to be working on getting the swelling back down and strengthening them back up. The doc says that I will be able to run again —just not any time soon. Oh, how I miss it. And right now it seems as though EVERYONE on facebook is running . . . except for me. :( So, I've revised my birthday wish list; instead of new cool toe shoes for running, I replaced that request with a new extra extra thick yoga mat and a door frame pull-up bar. I will start a new routine of yoga and pilates in order to maintain the weight loss that I had worked so hard for.
TTC —still waiting to see two pink lines :)
Everyone and their mother A lot of people around us are pregnant or have conceived and already had their baby. I am actually back to handling the annoying negatives quite well (if I may say so myself). I didn't cry about the negative last month; nor did I cry when Aunt Flow unexpectedly stopped by for a visit. That's progress! I must say that I have been refreshed with new blessings through all of this. A 9 wk old baby girl enrolled and started a week and a half ago, joining the 8 month old that has been coming since he, was only 8wks old! Caring for and loving these babies (and 3 yr old) brings me such joy. I am so blessed to be trusted with these little precious lives. I anxiously wait for the day that I can experience these moments with my own precious blessing (a second time) —so for now, I am thankful for the many little blessings that have come my way.
KJ —our little Kryssa Joyce turned 7 on August 10th. We celebrated with just family, us four and grandparents, on the 10th and then KJ got to celebrate with her friends on the 13th. It was a wonderful celebration! Just seeing all these little friends, most of which we have known their entire life, "hang out", laugh, and create memories —absolutely priceless. Her theme was, of course, Puppy/Dog and she still talks about how it was the best party ever. hee hee The simplest things are sometimes the best. :) Our fall homeschooling session has begun. It's quite different than last semester but I will find what works best, again, and keep moving forward.
KitKat (aka Miss K) —Her family nickname was pickle --but now that she is a freshman, I figure one nickname would be better (she was given the name kitkat by her school friends). She has been here with us 'full time' since around February and "officially" moved in during the week of May 8th! Unfortunately, we still are waiting on the "legal stuff" to be finalized and then we will work towards adoption. Volleyball season started about 3 weeks ago and I can honestly say that I never thought I would truly enjoy being a "soccer Volleyball Mom" --but here it is folks . . . I am loving every moment!! :) Now, of course, fighting through traffic is never "fun". But I am truly happy to support her during her games, scrimmages, tournaments, and even practices as often as I can. I already lost a good portion of my voice just from cheering her on this past Friday and Saturday. I tell her I am going to buy a SHOUT cone (from Party city) and decorate it just for her --I will proudly use it every chance I get. hee hee. Soon, my title will change to "Cheer Mom" --hee hee I'll have to quickly learn how to make hair bows and cute hair styles. (and whatever else cheer moms have to do).
This summer was definitely one to remember. We had several road trips and numerous adventures as a new family of four . . . quite different! I love the family that we have become. I am so grateful for God's blessings. Now that the school schedule is back in play, I should be able to sit and enjoy some blog time every now and then (as long as the children continue to nap all together).
First, here's my update:
Since my last post —God has carried my heart to a much calmer place. I am strong. I am loved. I am able. :) What surrounds me will not define me. I have choices, and for now, I choose to fervently wait on God. I trust, in every way, that all areas of my life are right where I belong right now —to push me where I need to go . . . to what I need to become.
Personal goals —I was on my way to a 5k and then it quickly got taken away from me. :( I started running in May and had worked my way up to 2+ miles 3-4 times a week. I had even started to enjoy the early morning, 5:30am, run --watching the sun come up and having some extra quiet time to myself. Now, I am sad to say that I haven't run for a month now. Today is exactly four weeks since my last run --the day I pushed my body just a little too much. My shins are still in recovery mode. The doc says I could have possibly fractured my shins (micro fractures). I'm supposed to be working on getting the swelling back down and strengthening them back up. The doc says that I will be able to run again —just not any time soon. Oh, how I miss it. And right now it seems as though EVERYONE on facebook is running . . . except for me. :( So, I've revised my birthday wish list; instead of new cool toe shoes for running, I replaced that request with a new extra extra thick yoga mat and a door frame pull-up bar. I will start a new routine of yoga and pilates in order to maintain the weight loss that I had worked so hard for.
TTC —still waiting to see two pink lines :)
KJ —our little Kryssa Joyce turned 7 on August 10th. We celebrated with just family, us four and grandparents, on the 10th and then KJ got to celebrate with her friends on the 13th. It was a wonderful celebration! Just seeing all these little friends, most of which we have known their entire life, "hang out", laugh, and create memories —absolutely priceless. Her theme was, of course, Puppy/Dog and she still talks about how it was the best party ever. hee hee The simplest things are sometimes the best. :) Our fall homeschooling session has begun. It's quite different than last semester but I will find what works best, again, and keep moving forward.
KitKat (aka Miss K) —Her family nickname was pickle --but now that she is a freshman, I figure one nickname would be better (she was given the name kitkat by her school friends). She has been here with us 'full time' since around February and "officially" moved in during the week of May 8th! Unfortunately, we still are waiting on the "legal stuff" to be finalized and then we will work towards adoption. Volleyball season started about 3 weeks ago and I can honestly say that I never thought I would truly enjoy being a "
This summer was definitely one to remember. We had several road trips and numerous adventures as a new family of four . . . quite different! I love the family that we have become. I am so grateful for God's blessings. Now that the school schedule is back in play, I should be able to sit and enjoy some blog time every now and then (as long as the children continue to nap all together).
March 24, 2011
Roarrrrrr!
So you know how when you were a kid, and you were upset with your parents (because you were being punished for something), you would wish you were someone or somewhere else?! For example: wishing you had your best friend's parents or something... Well, today, KJ yelled out, at the top of her lungs, as she sat in time out, "I WISH I WERE ALIVE A LONG TIME AGO SO I COULD BE A DINOSAUR!!!" LOL (she's was probably wishing she could either roar at me or eat me! lol)
I had to literally hide in the kitchen, where she couldn't see or hear me, and I just quietly laughed away . . . . (the silent, body-shake, catch my breath when I'm done, kind of laugh!! lol)
I love you, my little Dinosaur! ;)
I had to literally hide in the kitchen, where she couldn't see or hear me, and I just quietly laughed away . . . . (the silent, body-shake, catch my breath when I'm done, kind of laugh!! lol)
I love you, my little Dinosaur! ;)
February 16, 2011
All in 2.5 hrs
We picked up Pickle's new charm bracelet (her bday gift from us, grandma&grandpa, and auntie and uncle) from Jame's Avery —we were all super excited to see it on her wrist. :)
I signed KJ up for an introductory karate class. They don't give prices out —BUT they do give a free session --for whatever reason. I'm guessing they want the child to want it badly and beg even if the price is too much to handle? So, I took the bait and KJ will have her very first session (approx. 45mins-1hr) for free! :) After we get an idea of what its like and how she feels about it, then we will be faced with the price. :)
After about 5:30pm, my phone got busy . . . I handled -what felt like- a billion phone calls and texts (from family, future business, Pickle's school, Pickle, friends...). Plus, I was expecting two different people to come over tonight —one to leave a dog for us to dog sit and possibly adopt if we end up enjoying the dog-sitting experience, and another for business. Both of them had to reschedule. So, it gave me some time to breathe and enjoy dinner (phew!)
Once we got back home, we got straight to our nightly routine: clean house, shower and bed time for the girls, prep for tomorrow . . . now for the best part . . . rest, relax, and sleep!
I really think it was the late fee that made the evening feel like a full day. It just frazzled me up and turned my stomach —having to pay $1 per minute I was late -each passing minute felt like 10!! :( Oh well, right? I just need to do everything in my power to avoid another one of those (that's why late fees like that exist; and let me tell you . . . THEY WORK! —lol)!
Praise God for not giving me more than I can handle. :)
goooooooood night.
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