January 31, 2012

Step on a crack, break your momma's back.

In all the medical, doctor, talk, I understood " . . . injection at L4, L5, and S1 for the left side and mark down L5 and S1 for injections on the right side. . . sedated . . . you won't even remember . . . if it works, it will keep you from needing back surgery..."  This kind of very quick spoken mumble-jumble went on for about 3 minutes.  Before these 3 minutes, the doc entered the room, introduced himself, asked me questions concerning my pain —what makes it worse (everything) and what makes it better (nothing).  He showed me some very good diagrams that made everything about my pain make sense.  He told me about the procedure 'Lumbar Transforaminal Epidural Steroid Injection' and that he only recommends two of those procedures before recommending a surgery, instead of the usual 3 procedure recommendation.  He says that if the first two don't do the trick of relieving the pain and giving me my life back that there is no point in undergoing the procedure a third time.

It all seemed to have happened so quickly.  I was overwhelmed with questions, words, and explanations --but I wasn't lacking any information.  My questions were answered without me even having to ask.  It's like he knew what he was doing or something ;P  He says that he likes to think they have it down like a "science".  He seems really confident about what he does and how he chooses to tackle each patient's situation . . . he some how managed to convince me to trust his judgement.  Maybe it's the amount of pain I've been in since November 9, 2011.  Or maybe it's the fact that I can't do anything "normal" anymore.  I'm sure it's a combination of everything I've been going through since November!  But whatever the reason is, I walked out of there in a state of shock.  Shocked with how quickly he got straight to the point and to the source of my pain.  Shocked with the information I had just received about what was planned for my spine and surrounding nerves.  I'm still a little shocked... "I'm going to have what done to my what?!"  It's a bit scary --but I'm just so exhausted from pain that I'm willing to try whatever right now!!  I need relief As Soon As Possible!!

My first procedure is scheduled for February 10th, 2012.  The second one is scheduled for March 2, 2012.  I'm praying that I won't need anything more after that.  I'm praying that I will be able to get some comfort and relief.  I look forward to sleeping well, sitting on the floor, getting dressed normally, brushing my teeth without needing extra support, sitting and getting up normally...the list goes on. 

I am currently on Lyrica.  It's supposed to relieve my pain.  I've been on it since my appointment, January 12.  I don't feel that it does anything for me --however, I wonder how much more pain I might be in without it.  I'm always in pain, even when I take Norco.  My pain scale right now goes as follows:  in pain, in a lot of pain, in so much pain it hurts to breath.  So, it's really hard to feel a difference with the Lyrica.

My loves and friends have been taking wonderful care of me!  I am so blessed to have such wonderful people around me.  I know that I would be stuck, literally, without them.  From the back rubs, to getting up to get what I need (up the stairs and down the stairs), to walking as slow as a snail most of the time, to driving carefully (avoiding bumps, pot holes, taking turns slowly, etc), to excusing my crazy mood swings brought on by the stupid pain and sometimes even the pain meds, to even lovingly taking care of the household while I lay and/or sleep.  I'm so very grateful.

Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  :)  xoxx

Who says "not trying" is the best way to "try"?!

Good bye Clomid (been off of it for a while now), goodbye Metformin (since last week or so) --Hello hot flashes and crazy hormone ups and downs.  I don't know that my body really knows what "normal" hormone levels are.  The medicines all had their own side effects and now going back to my normal -which is very much abnormal- is such a change for me.

I told Chris, "Well, by this point in trying to conceive, I'm done with any extra medications; if we are going to conceive, it is going to be all natural and very much a Miracle!!"  But how do you "not try"??  If you set your mind to 'not trying', isn't that just the same as setting your mind on 'trying'?  isn't that stress also?  Too ridiculous!!

So, just to sulk in my sorrows . . . Jan 2007-December 2007, no luck.  Jan 2008-June 2008, no luck.  April 2010-December 2010, no luck.  Jan 2011-Dec 2011, no luck.  Jan 2012 . . . well, I just haven't tested yet.  Can you blame me?!  If you can, shame on you! (lol).

So, here I am, 7 months, 4weeks and 1 day away from turning 30 ---still drowning myself in TTC thoughts and daydreams... will this burning desire ever go away??

And to make things even better (hear the sarcasm?), here are just a few things I've heard or been told by KJ:
Earlier this month, KJ was sitting in time-out and very upset at me for placing her there.  She normally yells out things like "you're the meanest mommy ever!" and "Now you've made me mad!" (yes, I know, I have a lot of 'parenting' to do.)  Well, this particular day, for whatever reason [she had in her head] she just went off, yelling, "...and now that Kathryn is not here, I don't have a sister!!  I can't even call her my sister anymore; she's just a friend because she doesn't live here!  and it's all YOUR fault because you made the wrong decision!!"  --wow.  that one sure hurt.  I really hope that someday she will see that it wasn't my fault and that there is a very specific reason, somewhere in our lives, why things turned out the way they did...  She feels very strongly about being an only child.  I do know this.

 Last week, Chris called KJ into our room to tell her to get ready to go out to eat.  He chose to say "Kryssa, come here!  I have some exciting news to tell you!" (because we were going to her favorite restaurant, Red Lobster.  He was excited to share that news with her).  She definitely came running to our room and then ran to get dressed.  After dinner, on our drive home, she very randomly says,  "You know, daddy, when you called me and said you had some 'exciting news', I thought the news was that Mommy was pregnant."  My heart immediately shattered to pieces.  I apologized to her for making her think that.  I don't remember what I said next but it led her to say "...but I'd rather be in the hospital taking care of my mommy as we wait for the baby to be born!!" (then she got emotional).  I replied with "well, you can still take care of mommy!  I need a lot of help getting better from my back.  You're so wonderful at helping to take care of me!" 

Needless to say, the mood went from happy family dinner thoughts to sad, heart breaking, "my poor little KJ" thoughts...

So, here's to trying to "not try", right?!  (big cheesy smile)

January 1, 2012

At a glance

As I scroll through facebook today, I see many posts that are starting with "What a great way to start off 2012...".  This is the first year that I'm thinking "What's the big deal, people?!!  It's just another year!..."  I am normally the optimist . . . I hope I get back to the 'normal' me soon.  :(  It's exhausting feeling this blue.

This is the biggest life change I've ever encountered as an adult.  It's changed me —I'm not someone I would even want to be around right now.  ha!  I don't blame others if they walk away from me thinking, "Geesh!  What's her problem?!"  I don't remember a simple smile feeling like such hard work...

If I had to look back on 2011 and remember some great moments, I would choose to remember:
My hubby's heart beating normally again
Getting the opportunity to sing again
The birth of my little nephew
Meeting a wonderful new bff
Having the chance to parent a teen
Paying off our second car
Loving all the little babies that have come into my life
Learning so much more about KJ

...I'm sure there are many more -but those are what come to mind right away...

What I hope for 2012:
Major positive changes in my relationship(s)
A beautiful new baby
To stand on my own two feet
To be debt free
I look forward to trusting and loving fully again
I WILL find the "ME" that is meant to be

So, as I start 2012, looking in every direction for any signs of hope and encouragement, I know my only way to start this year off right is to rely fully on God —to trust and love Him with everything I am —to learn to be still and let Him lead my every step.

Here's to 2012.  Happy New Year.