October 31, 2008

some answers finally! -maybe

so all this pain, all this discomfort . . . we might have found out what's been causing it . . .

I saw a new doc this morning to see if she would have some new ideas on figuring out what's wrong w/ me. I took a pregnancy test -came back negative. Good to know my IUD is working! ;) She set up an ultrasound of all of my abdomen --all my organs! Yay for her for being so thorough. And then another ultrasound of my pelvic area. The new doc figured that since the GI specialist did all his part and didn't find anything and the gyno did all his part and didn't find anything -she would look at everything else. Sure made me feel like the problem would finally be located.

Well, feeling as miserable as I did, I really thought I was going to faint . . . I was freezing, light headed, pale, had purple fingernails, weak . . . well, laying on the table, having all my organs looked at, I talked w/ the sonographer about my history of ovarian cysts and infertility. After taking pictures of my liver, kidney, gallbladder, etc., she got down to checking my ovaries and said "yup your cysts sure did come back" --the she realized that my bladder wasn't full enough to get a good enough view of everything; so she sent me back out w/ a full glass of water (after already chugging down 34oz of water before my appt.). When I reeeeeeally needed to pee, I was ready to go get the rest of my "pics" done . . . that is when she said, "this has got to be what's causing your pain . . . " She turned the screen and showed me the largest ovarian cyst in my personal history of ovarian cysts!! :(

Once we were done, we got to talking about that cyst and she said that it measured to about golf ball size!! :( She also said, "I'm not a doctor but she'll probably send you back to your obgyn to get that removed...if that ruptures, it's going to be a lot more painful..." MORE PAIN?! I CAN'T IMAGINE EVEN MORE PAIN THAN THIS... :( *How my gyno overlooked a cyst that large? I have no idea . . . unless this is something that got out of hand after my last gyno ultrasound in July. There's no telling when this got out of hand or if it was really over looked!

The thought of another laparoscopy is very concerning to me. Yes, I want relief and yes I will go through w/ another one if it will relieve these pains. BUT I just pray to God that I it will go a LOT better than the last one (no week stay in the hospital due to an infection from the surgery . . .)

So, my doc, this morning, prescribed some pain killers, anti nausea medicine, and an antibiotic to help with all the symptoms I'm dealing w/. So, far, so good. The pain killer takes most of the pain away and gets me nice and sleepy -so, God willing, I'll get some good sleep and rest tonight. I'm tired of being woken by these annoying and excruciating/tremendous pains!!

In the name of Jesus, let this all end well...

Thank you for your words of encouragement and prayers. I truly appreciate it.

Oh and I had been looking forward to Halloween for months -because each year is so much fun as Kryssa is older each time and enjoys things differently each year . . . I will either be sitting on the porch handing out candy . . . or just laying up in bed as I have been since Tuesday :(. Chris will get to enjoy walking through the neighborhood trick or treating w/ the cutest little Share Bear Care Bear EVER!!! ha ha ha ;)

* I had even been excited to dress up to work . . . it's the first year I would have dressed up as an adult and it's not going to happen this year after all. :(

October 29, 2008

just when you think it’s all "peachy" and wonderful . . .

a bomb shell drops! :(

Geez! I have no idea what happened. All I know is that I'm still not feeling well and on top of that, I'm bummed out and emotional now . . .

I stayed home from work today and was in bed allll day -except for meal times and snack times (I'd have to go downstairs to get food for Kryssa). Well, my whole self was waaaaay messed up today -from my stupid stomach problems that never got resolved, to 'other' stomach issues, to high blood pressure, to my head, to achy bones/muscles, etc.- It's been RIDICULOUS!! SO! What did I do? I let Kryssa eat in her room so I could get right back into bed asap! Tonight, Chris was doing the 'night time' routine and just totally blew up on me about the crumbs on her floor! :( I mean, I know he just vacuumed last week and said "please, no more food in her room". I respected his wishes and said "ok" about it. But seriously? No exception for today?! Really?!

It sucks! Some days are amazing and some days are back to where we were not too long ago... I had just said, yesterday, on my way home from work, during our usual phone conversation on our way home, that I'm so in love and Thankful to God how everything has been. And that I really pray that nothing came up and ruined it. I remember saying, "I really hope that we can manage to not argue about anything because we argue about stupid stuff sometimes and it isn't worth ruining how great everything has been. Let's be careful what we let bother us...." I had JUST said that yesterday -approx. 7pm- and then by 10:30pm he blew up about who knows what w/ Kryssa and that caused me to get bothered and then because I shared w/ him what bothered me --that bothered him even more!!! Go figure!

Today went on like nothing even happened last night . . . which I got used to because that's how it used to be for waaaaay too long. Then he finds out that I'm not well today and he was super sweet and caring. He came home and really made an effort to take care of me. He took Kryssa to go run some errands and get out of the house so I could rest and have some quiet time! I was so thankful for the way everything was going. He got home and had rented a wii game; we all played and had a great time. I had no idea what to expect next. :( I just don't get it. I may never 'get it'.

I'm so sad right now. it's hard to be around that 'sudden explosion'. :( I'm a verbal person -I will talk about what's bothering me and attempt to resolve them. Chris, on the other hand, is not one to talk things out . . . he just kind of explodes about what bothers him and then sometimes doesn't even try to explain what happened . . . he just goes on like nothing ever happend... IT SUCKS!! :(

I thought things were changing . . .

so far it seems like 3 steps forward and one step back --which is pretty good, I guess?!?!

and this is just me venting . . . don't judge, don't judge. :) We all have our obstacles and our way of handling it.

October 24, 2008

conquering fears

oday, after work, Chris and I met up at Life Time Fitness. We had planned on going to the pilates class but as I passed the gym, w/ the rock wallsssssss, I had a very spontaneous thought to try rock climbing instead of balance and "core" target . . . whatever...

So, since it's our first time, we have to go through this mini intro on how to properly "hook" up. Everything seems simple enough and I'm thrilled and super excited! Why? Because Rock Climbing looks like SO MUCH FUN!!! . . . *confused face*

Well, to make this short:

my first attempt -I climb up about 3 ft or so (distance from my feet to the ground) and I start wondering why in the world I thought to do this. Mentally I had to start blocking out the fact that I'm afraid of heights!!! I don't know how rock climbing and my fear of heights never seemed to have crossed paths before I opened my mouth tonight!!! I convince myself to climb up a bit higher and higher and higher . . . then I realize that there is this huge gap and I'm not too sure how to get past it. Chris kept telling me that I could do it and my mind kept telling me that I'm WAY too high off the ground -to start going back down . . . a HUGE lump in my throat forms and I could have started to cry!!! :( then I realize that I didn't even practice repelling off of this wall!! LOL So, now I'm about 8 ft from the ground and I start climbing back down instead of trusting the 'auto belay pully thing' that I'm hooked up to . . . :(

2nd attempt- I look at where I stopped the first time and all I'm thinking is "I've got to go past that rock!" So, I start . . . and again, realize that I still didn't practice a repel -closer down to the ground. So, again, I start climbing down until my foot just couldn't reach the next 'rock' --I HAVE to let go, luckily I'm not far from the ground at all. After my first repel, I realize that it doesn't go too fast and that it's actually kind of fun. . . .ha!

3rd attempt- I climb up about 4 ft from the ground, maybe 5 ft, and try to convince myself to "let go" to practice another repel -from a little bit higher point from the last-. I figured that I needed to work my way up slowly, baby steps, to be able to repel from the top --for when I actually reach the top. I thought that my fear of climbing higher might have been from the fear of falling or not being able to climb my way back down. So at this point I figure that I would climb a little higher and then repel and then climb a little bit higher and then repel

I don't remember how many times I did that . . .

Then I just go for it. I start climbing and climbing and climbing --jumping past the climb and repel part of my plan-- now, I'm higher than I had climbed all night. I could count the rocks from the top. I needed something like 7 rocks or so (that my hands actually needed to hang on to before reaching the top) -I had already climbed about 3/4 of the entire wall . . . but after all those practice repels that I did, I could barely hold on to the rocks!! :( I panic . . . . I'm higher than I had been all night and I hadn't repelled from that height. Something in me just couldn't "let go"! It's NUTS!! Absolutely NUTS!! I know that the rope will catch me and I know that I was seeing others do it so easily but something in my head was saying "DO NOT LET GO!!" my breathing got rapid and heavy, my hands all sweaty and slippery, my arms totally shaky and then . . . I choked up and started to cry --upset that I couldn't get myself to just keep going, frustrated that I couldn't just let go and repel back down . . . I soooooo wanted to make it to the top and after an hour or climbing and repelling and watching others, etc., WHY COULDN'T I JUST DO IT?!?! :( At that point, there was no where else to go . . . I was at the highest point of my night, a had a huge gap to figure out how to climb around, I was just hanging on for dear life, basically! :( I'm shaking my head, saying, in my head, "just let go" -but then when I start sitting back into the rope, I panic and can't let go. I was also shaking my head because I would say, " I can do this, I know I can; just keep going . . . one more . . . just one more Michelle...." and then I was just frozen -saying NO! . . . so finally, I figure, I can't climb down because I just pushed off and passed a gap -there's no way my little leg will reach that rock I just left. I look at the wall right in front of my nose and count "1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . " and still can't repel!! lol I'm crying, shaking, sweating, and so emotionally frustrated w/ my stupid fear of heights . . . I held on longer until my muscles in my arms basically froze up --locked up, stiffened, etc. --and it HURT!!! I HAD to let go. So, I pushed off one big push, held my breath and scrunched my shoulders . . . squeaking/yelping (quietly of course) until my feet touched the ground. I looked up and realized how high I had climbed . . . I wasn't happy that I couldn't get myself to go to the very top --but I saw the rock I first stopped at and then I look up at the rock I last reached . . . . I accomplished so much tonight in that hour!!! :D

I can't wait to go back again and try to climb to the top . . . hopefully I won't have to work my way up on repelling again ;) hee hee

so, my upper body is sooooooo sore and all my muscles on my arms, hands, and even fingers (LOL) are stiff and barely work! --I even have some blisters that I could do w/ out.

I will make it to the top of that wall . . . someday . . . hopefully soon.

*after an hour of that, we went and worked out on the stair machine . . . . I SOOOOO could use a massage tonight!! ha ha ;)

October 20, 2008

update 10/19/08

hello!! :) It's been so long since I've sat to blog. I know it's late -yes, I'm tired . . .

quick update (I'll try to keep it quick -only cause I want to cuddle and sleep real soon):

I FINALLY got my "hair did"! (as Chris likes to say) I got it cut/trimmed/layered, colored a shade darker than my natural, and then a nice red hot streak over my white! :D I LOVE it!!

Yesterday was my sister's baby shower. I'm so glad it has passed -it was a lot of work! My mom and I had been working on all the details for months!! and these last several days have been sooooo overwhelming! ha ha. Everyone says they had so much fun/really enjoyed it. Albertina had a really great time and that's what matters most, right?! Oh! I got to feel my little niece move around in her belly!!! :D I felt many kicks and funky movements!! :D

I still enjoy my job! ha ha ;) I've had a chance to work w/ k-1st, 2-3rd, and 4-6th graders!! the pre-teens are my fav so far (of course!) -but each group has plenty of pros and cons.

We've started the paper work for our new house (in New Braunfels)! We've picked our lot (sept 21, I believe, is when we did that)!! They're holding off on breaking ground until Dec. 3 or so...that's a day or two after Chris gets final word w/ his, at that time, position w/ WaMu/Chase. God willing, if everything goes well, our house will be ready some time in March. **Our house will going up on the market sometime in Nov -hopefully. We've been working on all that we need to do to get it "ready".

We are looking forward to Halloween . . . Kryssa keeps going back and forth between being a purple bat, pink ghost, green dinosaur, rollie pollie, butterfly, fairy, Jack (from Jack in the box --not gonna happen cause Chris's took me about an entire week and I just don't feel up to making another "Jack Head"), . . . I can't remember what else --but she keeps on jumping around w/ her decision. Oh! she has also said that she wants to be Super Slueth Darby -from winnie the pooh...

What else? haha, ...

Oh, it turns out that we aren't going to Disney World this December after all --w/ all the WaMu/Chase changes, the house, and then we are still taking that cruise in Jan . . . We are still taking Kryssa to see PlayHouse Disney Live (in Austin) . . . I know, doesn't compare to Disney World -but she seems to understand. We are going to work and plan on going next year . . .

haha, Oh! lately, Chris has been talking 'bout "baby" . . . WHAT?! ha ha, he is wanting to try again, I think. He keeps bringing it up and asking random questions 'bout it --out of no where!! He totally catches me off guard. Noooooooo!!! ha ha ha I'm only about a fourth of the way into my 2yr "waiting" plan!! lol I was thinking we could try again sometime in 2010. Only 4 months have gone by since my "new focus plan" has started . . . . and now he's trying to change things all up?!?! it's so strange that he is the one leaning towards "baby". :( Poor thing . . . my heart and mind is so set at this point that I just can't see myself agreeing to try again -so soon. I told him, today that I am open to talking all about it but not to trying again -not yet; it's just too much of an emotional journey...

strange, huh?!

That's our update, for now, I guess. :)

I'll try to blog more often --I'll do my best.