IVF #1, Day 14: 1 day post egg retrieval

We aren't even at the 'two week wait' and today was seriously one of the longest days I've had in a long while.

I couldn't sleep last night; so I stayed up watching Battleship.  I probably fell asleep around 2/2:30am.  I thought I was going to sleep in, from being so tired.  Instead, I was up to the bathroom, to tinkle, twice an hour from 11pm to 3am.  Then it slowed down to once every hour until around 7am.  I had NO idea I would be up, tinkling all night long!  However, I didn't have any choice because a full bladder makes for horrible endo pain.  So I teeter-tottered in the dark, very carefully, across my room many, many, times . . . and didn't get sleep —no big deal; I just wasn't expecting such an eventful night.

I opened my eyes at 8am, to check my phone for the email from the embryologist.  Nothing.  I made sure to turn up my ringer, so that I could hear when a new email came through.  8:23am, "bing!".  There it was, "Your IVF cycle".

Hi Michelle,
How are you feeling today?  Hopefully not too sore.  I just want to give you an update on how things went yesterday.  We collected 9 eggs.  Of those eggs, 7 were what we call mature and were able to be inseminated.  Eggs must reach a certain stage of development in order to be inseminated.  Of those 7, 4 are fertilized.  So you have 4 embryos.  They look great!  I'll contact you again on Sunday to let you know the time of you enbryo transfer on Tuesday.  It will be in the morning sometime.

Honestly, the email made me sad.  I did not expect to drop down from nine to four in one night.  I knew the numbers would drop between retrieval day and transfer day; I just really didn't expect to lose five over night.  I tried to stay positve.  I'm just praying that they survive another fours days.  Please little embryos, make it to our transfer day!

My belly was still sore from yesterday.  My back was another story!  :(  My lower spine, all the way to the end of my tailbone, was so extremely achy, stiff, and causing a lot of problems.  I had been recovering so well —from injuring my back last November (bulging disc, which caused the fluid to  escape, and pushed up against some nerves).  I was able to do normal activity, like brush my teeth, paint my toenails, change my clothes, dry off after shower, etc. with out limitations and pain.  Not today!  I could barely move!  It was soooo extremely painful.  I figured it just had to do with the fact that they had to really push around on my belly to get to my left ovary —it probably put a lot of stress on my lower spine.

On a better note, I'm not peeing every 30 minutes! haha.

Tonight was a great night!  We had my parent's over for "mexican night" (aroz con pollo and pinto beans for dinner and my mom and Chris made leche quemada for dessert).  It was a wonderful time together! ... and then we had to get back to [our] reality —injections.

I had Wednesday night and last night off.  No injections needed.  But tonight, we had to start my progesterone injections.  Chris did a great job, again.  He darted it in like a champ!  And he pushed in the oil nice and slowly —to avoid "the burn".  However, I think, towards the end of emptying out the syringe, Chris must have started to tilt it or something; it felt like it was slanting and digging in my skin.  :(  It burned a bit more than necessary.  KJ watched nervously and held my hand, when she heard that I was in pain from the needle, saying, "It will all be over soon.  I'm right here, mom."  —and we all survived.  ;)

I'm not sure if it's the progesterone or not but I'm sweating like crazy!!!  I got the injection about two and a half hours ago and the hot flashes started about an hour ago.  I'm used to hot flashed from my wacky hormones, before IVF, but these are much more extreme and lasting much longer (similar to when I was on Lupron).  *new side effect, I guess.

Now I'm sitting here, wondering if I should bug the embryologist tomorrow.  I'm anxious to see if we will still have four embryos.  She did say that I could contact her if I had any questions over the weekend... does this question count??

I hope to get a good night's rest —with as little interruptions as possible.  I'm super bloated, but not OHSS bloated.  My back feels a bit better tonight —but my tailbone is still aggravated. 

Ready for this?

Let's start off with Endo and TTC on clomid:
We are now about one week away from hitting our 11 month mark.  I honestly can't believe it's been almost a year already.  Surprisingly, it doesn't feel that way.  So, last week, at my regular monthly sono, the doc spotted a large cyst again on one of my ovaries.  I haven't had anything that size since January 2010 —when I started Lupron for the endo.  I had my follow up appointment yesterday.  I wasn't allowed to start my next cycle of clomid (I should have started on Tuesday and been done tomorrow) because the doc wanted to make sure the cyst went away before I pushed the hormones through my body again.  I am happy to announce that the cyst was gone!  Praise God!!  It was a very very painful week --I pretty much know exactly what day and time the cyst ruptured because it was THAT painful (I literally woke myself up because I was moaning so loud -from the pain).  So, I'm glad that has passed.  Chris and I are staying super optimistic and hoping and praying for a miracle conception this month (without clomid)!  :)  Hey, it could happen...

The endo, is definitely starting to get on my nerves.  This is the longest that I have gone without suppressing my ovaries/hormones —so it's really starting to wear me out now.  Just a few days ago, when I was cringing with nasty endo pain, I actually had the thought cross my mind "maybe it's time to stop ttc and get back on Lupron..."  —it shocked me!  I absolutely want to conceive another baby.  I don't want to stop without conceiving this time.  I think the thought went away when the pain ended ::phew!::.  So, for now, it's almost day by day that I am making the choice to continue ttc.  Some moments I'm so ready to shut my ovaries off again and then other moments I'm overloaded with emotions of ttc.

On to a fantastic new topic...HOME SCHOOLING!!

Yes, that's right; we decided to home school KJ.  :D  I withdrew KJ from her public school two weeks ago, Monday, February 21, 2011.  It felt soooo unreal.  I had so many times, the night before, and the first few days, where I felt as though I was going to wake up and have this story to tell Chris, of how I had the opportunity to home school KJ.  But nope, it was definitely real.  :)  She was very happy with our decision.  And we couldn't be happier with all the improvements we have seen in just two weeks!  Praise God!!  We finally have our KJ back --helpful, full of manners and positive behavior, happy, and relaxed 6 yr old —exactly the way a 6 yr old should be!  I know not everyone agrees/will agree with our decision but we stand together in our decision and we are finding our system.  :)  I love the family God has blessed me with.  We work so well together these days.  I'm thankful for this opportunity to guide our child in the ways that are important to us, as Christ-followers.  :)  It feels wonderful to include scripture in her daily curriculum . . . to "tweak" the lessons to meet her specific level of learning!  I could just go on and on and on about all the wonderful changes we have been able to experience as a family.  But for now, that's all I'll say...


KJ

she is now in Karate and she is LOVING it!! :)  —so are we!  Their structure and core values that are taught, while there, amaze us and we pray that it will stick with KJ to help her become strong mentally and physically, confident, and dedicated.  :)  We have seen some great changes since she started (two weeks ago).

FAMILY
We will be having some time off together during spring break and we are super excited for that.  We are prepared for Spring Break with our season passes to Fiesta Texas, Sea World, and the San Antonio Zoo!  I'm really hoping to head up to Enchanted Rock (I believe it's called) and picnic with the girls.

Speaking of "girls" —still no official news on Pickle's move-in date.  She stays with us a lot more now but it still doesn't feel official  . . . I did, however, get a call, from the representative, to schedule another home study.  We shall see what comes of all of this.

It may be a while before I can update again —life just got even busier...I keep thinking "it can't get any busier than this" only to find out I was wrong.  ;)  God has some serious confidence in my abilities to multi-task . . . because he keeps blessing me with new opportunities.  I trust that I can handle it all . . . because I trust that he won't give me more than I can handle.  Maybe a little here and there for a challenge and test —but I'm ready; I've loving it all! ;D

Life on Clomid --'Take Two'

I had an appointment with my doc this morning.  Took another pt --negative (which I had already prepared myself for).  Even he said that when he saw me walk in, he thought to himself, "Hey! I hope she's pregnant!!"  So, he was actually empathetic . . . he is a very kind-hearted person.  I love that he is my doc.

Well, I told him I am ready to try clomid again.  He agreed it was time to get back on it.  He said that I will start provera today and then clomid on days 5-9 get my blood work on day 21 and see him 6 wks from today.  I remember the very interesting Clomid lifestyle.  Everything revolves around "what day it is" (first you look forward to day 10 of provera, the last provera pill before you hope to get a cycle.  Then day 1 is a big excitement.  You get excited for day 5, first clomid pill, and for day 9, last clomid pill for that cyle (which you pray is your last one ever!).  Then you hope that day 14 went as planned (ovulation day).  The most anticipated day, for us, has always been, 21 --the day you go in to get your blood drawn to check if you actually ovulated (last time I never ever did.  But I'm praying for different results this time around!).  After you get your results (normally the next business day or so) -if it shows you ovulated then you wait ANOTHER week to take a hpt.  if it showed you didn't ovulate, then you just start alllll over again.  That's one way to look back at your life and wonder where it all went --so busy charting everything and looking forward to all these different days, you can forget how to enjoy each and every day you are given with the family you are blessed with.  I think, since I've already excperienced some life on Clomid, that I'm ready to stay focused differently through it all.

This time, however, the doc says that we will "tackle" it.  We have to start off slowly --we can't just start back up where we left off (we were about to triple the dose).  But instead of several rounds of a single dose, and then several rounds of a double does, he said that we will do one round of single --if that doesn't work we will double the 2nd round and if that doesn't work we will triple the next round and so forth.  Now, I don't know how many times we will be adding up doses because I do know that that higher the dose the higher the chances for multiples... *I did used to pray for twins --since I was 6 years old . . . all the way to . . . now ::blush:: --call me crazy, that's okay ;)  After trying clomid, if it is unsuccessful, he said he would refer me to a local fertility clinic to start IVF (we found out our insurance covers up to a certain amount --so we at least aren't limited to just clomid).  I'm praying that 'plan B' (clomid) will be enough to conceive . . . hopefully still in 2010.  If not this year, then God willing, at least in 2011.  :)

So, when I called Chris, I basically warned him . . . here comes the "crazy"! lol  I remember how nuts the whirlwind of hormones made me feel.  I think I at least know what to expect a bit more this time though --plus, maybe the "crazy" from Lupron is nothing compared to the "crazy" of Clomid...  I'll try to blog updates for anyone interested.  :)

Happy FRIDAY!!

endo, endo, go away! —don't come back another day. (hpt #4)

I'm sitting up in bed, waiting for the Lortab to take over...  I only took half.  I hadn't needed any pain meds since January 15th (give or take a day or two) —since I started on Lupron .  However, I've been off of Lupron, by choice, while we ttc, since mid April.  Everything had been going really well, until . . . two nights, or so ago, the endo pains got so horrible that I actually gave in to the pain meds again. :(  (I only took half, since I had been off of them for so long and it worked within 30 mins or so.)

I started to notice the endo symptoms returning about a week and a half ago.  Normally it doesn't take long at all before it gets miserably out of control.  :(  (in the past, from the time that the pains would start daily, it would only take about two weeks until the pain was present 24/7 even with pain meds —until I would hear the words from my doc, "I'll schedule you for surgery...".  This happened 3 times in a year and a half.

I'm praying for a miracle this time around.  I want to continue ttc (trying to conceive).  I want to NOT need Lupron.  I want to NOT need another surgery.  I want to do my regular activities and NOT end up temporarily crippled from endo pain.  I want to go on feeling this "normal" feeling I had been feeling up until a week and a half ago.  I could sneeze and not feel any pain.  I could lift my daughter and not feel any pain.  I could get up from sitting and not feel pain.  I was LIVING without pain.

I told Chris, last night, "well, it was amazing while it lasted.  At least I was able to experience 5 WHOLE months of being pain free..." (almost two months was while I was off Lupron treatmenst!).  I don't miss Lortab and the side affects that come along with taking it.  I don't want to end ttc because of endo!  The thought alone makes me want to cry.

Speaking of "cry".  I cried this morning.  I took HPT (home pregnancy test) #4 and it was another big fat negative.  :(  It really had my hopes up though.  Normally it absorbs super quickly and evenly.  This morning, it absorbed at the speed of a snail AND the color streaked/dragged across the strip and I had my hopes up that it was going to leave the first 'mark' at the 'positive' side.  Instead, it just creeped its way allllllll the way past the positive, straight to the negative line.  I waited the full ten minutes, as the instructions clearly state.  However, at the ten minutes, any hope for that first pink line (the "positive" line) was gone —it was bone-white.

I crawled back into bed, snuggled with Chris, and cried in his arms.  It's the first time, since trying, in 2010, that I allowed myself to cry (that I allowed myself to feel anything...).  I told him "I'm so sad, hun."  He said "I'm sorry, honey." and he just held me.  I couldn't have asked for a better response/reaction from him.  I sobbed, prayed, and did my best to put my heart back in God's hands (along with my hopes, dreams, and deepest desires).  It made today really tough for me.  I cried for a lot of silly little things, including passing up the baby section at Walmart tonight...

So, if you will please, keep my in prayer.  It seems to be a tad bit harder to keep my focus on staying positive —no matter the outcome, the fact that I believe, from the bottom of my heart, with all that I am, that God's plan for me is much, much, greater than I could ever imagine. —wether I remain a 'mother of one' or whether I am blessed beyond belief to be a 'mother of two'...



On a much positive note:  We have really enjoyed Chris's vacation time!!  (pics coming soon)  He goes back to work tomorrow and we are just so thankful to have had 10 days to spend together.  :)  We are so blessed to be celebrating 8 years of marriage!! (technically 'today', since I'm typing this after midnight, 7/6/10)

July 6, 2002

  

8 years later

Thank you for reading!  (and your support, kind words, and prayers)
Michelle

Lupron --PAUSED--

So much to update.  I haven't blogged recently because a lot has been changing . . . a lot was being discussed.

We have made plans and decisions.  I know it all works in God's timing and so, we are staying focused on His plans for us.

My last Lupron shot was on March 26th.  I didn't take my last one -scheduled for April 9th.  Also, I got my IUD removed on Monday . . . did you put it together yet?!  :D  Yes!!  We have decided to TTC for baby mayfield #2!! :D  We are both super excited.  We really didn't think we would stick to our original plan.  May 2008, we decided that we would stop TTC, after 18 months of trying, some months with fertility assistance --and we had said we would try again in the summer of 2010.  Well, the time has come and here we are now.  :)

My doctor said to give my body about 6-10 weeks before it might show signs of working -if the Lupron would actually work with "kick starting" my body.  Well, I'm super excited to say that IT WORKS ALREADY!!!  I really didn't think that even the Lupron would help start everything back up again --because my body has NEVER worked on it's own.  I've always needed assistance with what comes normal to other gals . . . so, as much as I am thrilled to be "working", I am trying to remember how to deal with PMS. lol!!!  I honestly thought I was coming down with a cold this morning -it's been sooooo long.  I completely forgot what this was like.  hahaha!!

Now, I am just praying that the endo growth and endo pain stays away long enough for us to have a chance to conceive.  If not, then at least I have three more Lupron shots on hold until Jan. 2011.

We've also taken the very first step in getting certified to foster and/or adopt!! :D

There's soooo much I'd like to share right now --but I'll have to blog again tomorrow or in the next few days.  It's late; I'm tired, and ready to snuggle in my comfy bed . . .

Night night!
:)
pls keep us in prayer as we start this journey of TTC again.

Lupron. 2nd shot Day 27

Ten days have gone by since my last post... seems like much longer than just ten days.

I think I'm just drained now.  My body is probably very upset with me. ha!  I've chosen to put it through something very strange and it just wasn't ready.  I mean, I don't regret choosing the treatment --because it's amazing not dealing with that tremendous amount of pain I used to suffer.  I now know I was suffering.  I didn't know how abnormal that amount of pain, on a daily basis -some days ALL day!

I read back to some of my first posts, from when I started the treatment, and I remember how great I felt, even with the crazy changes that were taking place.  It made me realize how worn out I really feel now, though.  I just want to sleep -ALL THE TIME!  This week, I've been having HORRIBLE stabbing pains randomly throughout my body (different bones and joints).  A lot of the pain has mainly been in my left hip.  I have NO idea why!  It hurts like if someone is desperate to rip off my entire leg!  Nothing makes it stop or go away.  When that pain hits, it stays until it is done.  I've tried stretching, pushing down on it, repositioning myself, walking, sitting, freezing in place . . . I told Chris that it feels the same as when I accidentally slipped and fell in a "splits" position (I am not normally capable of doing the splits! -never have been) and tore hip tissue!  I remember that hurting the same way.  But I haven't done anything, that I can remember . . .  and I know one of the side effects is slight memory loss (losing focus) but I think I would know if I used my left in a way I shouldn't have!

I've been taking calcium supplements to help keep my bones strong during the treatment.  I wonder how long I should let it go on for before getting it checked out.  I mean, I'm constantly in pain these days (not from endo episodes -just random pain throughout different areas of my body.  It really stinks!), I'd hate to spend money on a doc visit just to be told it's just another pain from side affects.  The sad thing is, I grew up hearing "your body isn't naturally meant to be in pain.  If something hurts, it means something is wrong.  It's your body's way of letting you know..."  (maybe not in these exact words.  But the message got across to me).  However, I don't remember at what age pain just because part of my "normal" --from an ingrown toenail that ended up needing surgery at age 12 (I was 9 years old or so when that started!!), to asthma at the age of 12 -which would get so bad that it would cause chest pains, a slipped spinal disc when I was 15 (I could not move even a finger, literally!!) -which cause me to easily pinch nerves in my back since then , to severe migraines in my late teen years . . .  a pregnancy that was so not normal and had contractions starting at 27 weeks up until 35 weeks, when I had KJ . . . to a slip and fall, five years ago, that put my back out for just about an entire year!!  So all that with endo pain, I now know, starting at the early age of 13 or 14 and just got worse and worse and the years went on, pain just seemed to be 'normal' to me -can you see how?!  So, this past week, we visited with my sis and she woke from a short snooze saying "ouch, something hurts right here" -pointing to her thigh, I think it was.  Now, I constantly have pain in my bones so I'm thinking it's normal.  I realize, with her reaction, 'maybe it's not a normal pain/feeling people experience...'.  I asked if it's normal for her and she says no.  On the road trip back home, I, once again, for the thousandth time, experienced some random bone pain again in my left arm and it reminded me how 'UN-normal' it must be.  So, I ask Chris, "do you ever have random pain throughout your body, at any given time?"  He too said no.  hm!  I really thought it was just something that happened.  So, now every bone and joint pain seems to stand out more to me, since Saturday --I'm freaking out wondering why my body has shooting pain in random bones and joints!!

So, here's where I ask for your help:  If you know of anything that it might be triggered by or connected with, PLEASE let me know.  Even if you just happened to have heard it from a friend that heard it from a friend  ;)

I know right now that a lot of the pain must be caused as a side affect to the Lupron (especially reading someone's post -she just started on Lupron and says her body feels like a little old lady)  Everything just has me wondering how much is due to side effects and how much is just a continuation of what I felt before treatment . . . ?

Aside from the crazy random jabbing pains (not endo pain, praise God!), hot flashes are still manageable (almost seem normal to me.  I just reach out and touch the coldest member of my family -between KJ and Chris! haha.  They already know to just rub on me with their cold hands.  If they are not cold then they know HANDS OFF and silence!!  lol

Restless nights are definitely catching up to me.  Although, the really strange thing is that I can feel super sleepy one minute --like probably able to sleep while sitting or even standing up!-- but then when night time rolls around, I'm either not really sleepy, or just normal sleepy --not like I've been needing to sleep all day and should snooze as soon as I lay my head down . . . very strange!!  I wish I would be this sleepy when it's 8 or 9pm.  Because then I would actually get some decent hours of sleep, if I could actually sleep through an entire night, uninterrupted by hot and cold flashes, Chris stealing the blanket (lol), turning on the heater, opening a window, etc.  haha  The Mayfield house has some interesting night time 'happenings' --all due to who knows what. . . Lupron and . . . my crazy body!  haha

So, really, aside from the side effects, Lupron has worked wonders with decreasing the endo pains!!!  Woohoo!! Praise God!!  :D

9-15 more days until my next shot .  .  .

Lupron. 2nd shot Day 17

I haven't posted in a while . . .

I wasn't as scared the second time around.  I let KJ watch, hoping it would get her to realize that even mommy gets a little scared but I stay still and everything turns out just fine.  haha  She was covering her eyes and then she said she was going to "be brave" for me.  Right before my dad stuck me with the needle, she exclaimed "Oh no!  He's "adout" to shot you!!" she held my arm, with her little hands, and said, "okay mommy, hold very still, okay?"

Well, my dad wasn't as gentle the second time.  :(  No biggie.  my rear end was sore a bit more than the first time and I had a nasty knot for a few days...

The symptoms didn't hit as hard -I guess because it wasn't new to my body like it was the first time.

I am, however, bummed out a bit that it's day 17 and I have more discomfort this time than I did the first.  Or atleast, from what I remember.  Maybe I was sooo overwhelmed with excitement of the LACK of pain that the little discomfort didn't even phase me.  Now, maybe I'm just spoiled and greedy and the little discomfort stands out more?!  I don't know.  It's still waaaay better than what it used to be.  I'm still grateful.  I'm still enjoying my days.  AND I still haven't needed any pain meds!!! Praise God!!  :D

The hot flashes are still manageable -being super duper cold is probably still the strangest thing for me.  I've never really been one to be "freezing" so it is really strange for me still.  The mood swings are still manageable.  The sleepless nights . . . eh, not so enjoyable.  OH!  lol, I have to say that I have so much less leg hair but only on my left leg!!! lol  It's so funny!  I really wish it would balance out to the other leg too.  It would be awesome to loose more leg hair!!! lol --and arm hair . . . and facial hair too.  lol  ;)

The acne is interesting.  I thought my complexion was going to clear up . . . how did I misunderstand that?!  Maybe the acne is from stress of switching my 'career'?  who knows, but I really wish the zits would stay away!  or at least just come one at a time.

I'm thinking that I might move my next shot up one week.  Because one week before my last one was due I started getting real uncomfortable.  I know I'm not the doctor but I really do know my body . . . or at least I have up until now.  We'll see, I guess.  I just want to find a steady pain free way of being.

I'll try to update a bit more often this time around.

g'night

Amazing!

I have to share that I had an appt on Wednesday and the sono showed that the large cyst is completely gone!! Praise God!! The day I had lupron prescribed, the doc couldn't even see my left ovary due to the large cyst that had grown on it.

So, with the cyst now gone, and the absense of endo pain, we are happy that the Lupron treatments are working!!! :D

It's been amazing! Really! Everyday movements and activities that are overlooked by the majority, used to cause me a lot of pain. Now, I feel like I'm living a whole new life. It's literally a difference like Night and Day. I haven't used any pain killers since Jan 13, or so. Before starting Lupron, I was using them about three times a day.

Everyday, I find myself doing something super cautiously, to avoid triggering pains (because it was that way for years). When I remember that I'm pain free I laugh inside for being so used to avoiding certain activities and movements...and I happily give it a try -and I haven't been stopped by pain! It's wonderful! I'm so thankful to God --for my doctor and for a treatment that actually works. :D

Lupron. Day 11

Yesterday was, so far, the worst day. I was an emotional wreck! I had hot flashes beyond what I had imagined . . . at one point in the day, my clothes were drenched from sweat. Yuck, I know. And that's that I was just sitting in my bed ---next to the open window, feeling the cool breeze. I was soooo close to just jumping into the shower with only the COLD water running. Chris called, after work, in the afternoon, to see how I was doing (because I had already let him know through text that I was having a really rough day) and as soon as he asked how I was, I just broke down and huffed and puffed with tears.

After the horrible 15-20 min hot flash had passed, I actually laughed out loud at how silly I must have sounded over the phone to Chris. I couldn't handle it right at the moment he called. But once my body wasn't boiling any longer, I felt silly to have cried and been so emotional.

Lately, I've just been soooo irritable. Everything bothers, irritates, me. I wish I didn't feel like just mumbling through my day --seriously! As much as I enjoy a good conversation, lately, I just want people to not talk to me and I want my day to just be over with! :(

I did quite a bit of research on endometriosis yesterday and was relieved to read I wasn't the only one having a bit of trouble dealing with the side effects of Lupron. However, I did read that the peak was normally around day 7-1o. Yesterday was my day 10. So, God willing, things won't last much longer.

Chris has really been great during all this. He is handling all my moods, whines, tears, sweats, and irritibility very well and lovingly. :) Priase God. And he's really been there for KJ when I'm just "gone" from daily life...

Another night is ahead . . . ready to start another busy week. I worked just about allll day today putting February curriculum together. My to-do list just keeps growing at work. I'm going to be pretty busy this week. Booo.

night night.
until another update...

Lupron. Day 7

Ooooh, today I'm feeling sharp stabbing pains where I normally feel the endo pain.

hmmm . . . does it get worse, still?!

Lupron. Day 6

So far, things have not been as bad as I expected them to be. Last night was probably the worst with hot flashes and other 'craziness'. I wonder how much worse it's going to get?! Everything I read mentioned that the first two weeks were the absolute worse . . . I'm still waiting for the "worse" part of it. What if this is as bad as it gets? Hmm...

KJ's getting better :)
Last night, we watched Fame and she showed off all her famous dance moves and self composed songs! It was fabulous!!

My days, lately, have just been full of up and downs. I'm wishing I lived by a beach. I would LOVE to just go sit, read, watch the sun set, or rise, and hear the water . . . I do really need a little get-away. Something peaceful. Somewhere to just lay it all out, take it all in, and come back ready to face it all with a new understanding and new hope.

I will end with my current favorite songs:

mikeschair - Let the Waters Rise
From the album Mikeschair
Don't know where to begin
It's like my worlds caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here

Sometimes it's so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
but I am willing to go where You want me to
God I Trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees

So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
Cuz you'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
Your never out of reach

God You know where I've been
And You were there with me then
You were faithful before You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees

So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees

So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You


Brandon Heath - Love Never Fails
From the album What If We
Love is not proud
Love does not boast
Love after all
Matters the most

Love does not run
Love does not hide
Love does not keep
Locked inside

Love is the river that flows through
Love never fails you

Love will sustain
Love will provide
Love will not cease
At the end of time

Love will protect
Love always hopes
Love still believes
When you don't

Love is the arms that are holding you
Love never fails you

When my heart won't make a sound
When I can't turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this
Greater than this

Love is right here
Love is alive
Love is the way
The truth the life

Love is the river that flows through
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love is the place you will fly to
Love never fails you

Lupron. First dose 1/14/10

I've decided to do my best to blog about this new journey. So much is changing in my life again. It was just three months ago when my world shifted. Well, here I am again... life and health.

Wednesday changed my life --haha, makes me think of LOST, how when the wheel is turned, life as one knows it no longer exists (for the most part). I'm not "lost" . . . just wandering around for a while figuring it all out.

Wednesday, I found out that my endometriosis has continued to grow. Birth control stopped working as well as it was. I have a golf ball size cyst on my left ovary and my right ovary is out of place. My uterus has been hurting beyond belief this past week . . . so we are left to believe (since endo is not seen through a sonogram --but when you put it all together: extreme pain again, ovary moved out of place, large cyst, etc...) that the endo has only gotten worse. My right ovary seems to be attached to either the uterus or the abdominal wall again. The doctor doesn't want to perform another surgery (would be my fourth since Jan 2007). He says we need to try another form of treatment. I've tried surgeries. I've tried pain management. I've tried birth control to suppress my ovaries. Now I've started Lupron.

Lupron will shut my ovaries down -and bring on a menopause-like state. With that happening, the endometriosis should stop growing. There's hope! And I'm thrilled! My doctor says that there is even a chance that the Lupron will help minimize all that has already grown too. I feel like it's 'wishful thinking' but at the same time, I'm still praying for a miracle that it will just all go away. No more disease. No more pain...

So, my dad gave me my first injection on Thursday(one of five. one every six weeks). I was a nervous reck. Not only because I totally dislike and freak out with needles but also because I had to prep my own shot AND because I knew that he has been out of the medical field for what I say is "ages"!! lol He did a fantastic job. I didn't feel any pain! Praise God. He always used to tell us stories of all sorts of things that he had to do for his patients. One that I will always remember is how he said that he never hurt a patient with an injection. :) He would prep the area and then smack 'em on the injection site literally right before sticking them with the needle. The smack would cause the initial shock and tensing of the muscle so when the needle would go in, the muscle was already relaxing... So, true! I felt him clean the injection site and then I waited for it ... SMACK...and then warmth. :)

I cried as I said, "you're doing a great job dad. Thank you so much." I couldn't believe that I was talking and fine while he was still injection the medicine. He thought I was crying because it hurt. But I was crying for many reasons. I cried because I was soooo relieved that it didn't hurt. I cried because I finally just got it over with (I took forever to finally get up the nerve to get the shot). I cried out of happiness of finally getting my first dose of the treatment --it took two whole days of calling my doctor and insurance back and forth, being on hold for what literally totaled up to HOURS, and waiting for returned phone calls just to get the medicine approved from my insurance to be picked up locally! I also cried out of sadness that I reached this point with fighting endometriosis. I always say "it is what it is." and try to refocus on other areas of life. But I'm only human and deep down I try to keep this thought away --I told Chris... "it's just tough when you realize how different your life turned out. You never ever expect to experience something like this. You always wonder what others must feel with a disease . . . but you never think it will be you "when you grow up".

So on top of that, I found out some heartbreaking news... This is life. This is real. This is MY life...I am actually laughing inside thinking about all this and how it's just so interesting how everything can change with just a blink of an eye -literally.

Enough about that.

My first night after my first Lupron injection:
shakes, shivers, hot flashes (which I never knew that it wasn't just about being HOT but also being icy cold from one second to the next), nausea, restlessness.

The shakes were so bad, I couldn't even talk because my jaw was chattering so much! It was NUTS! The strangest experience I've had in a while. It has calmed down a whole bunch but my body still just wants to tense up and every muscle feels the need to be tightened. It's an ugly feeling.

I've lost my appetite along with some of my hair already :(. Not major hair loss but the kind that I had when I was taking LoEstrin24! (enough back then that made me stop taking that birth control.) I had no idea it would kick in this quickly --but I guess it's already been in my system for 24+ hrs now. Tonight is when I noticed the hair loss ... I could really use some of that on my arms, legs, arm pits, and face (the hair loss that is!) lol.

Tonight, I don't feel such extreme hot/cold flashes and the shivers/shakes, like I mentioned earlier, are much more manageable. Unfortunately, though, I'm not sleepy! So, it gave me time to blog :) .

I want to do my best to blog about this treatment because reading other womens' blogs (documenting their journey with endometriosis) has really helped me out in different ways. For me, it will be a 6 month treatment (hopefully I can keep up with the cost! The first shot, with my insurance, cost me $133.75! The price before applying insurance was over 700 dollars!!! Praise God for insurance.). I also want to keep up with documenting as much as I can so that I can have this to look back on and focus on the end results. See how it gets better. The first two weeks are said to be the worst and I know I will need encouragement to focus on the positive and not complain through it all! haha. ;)

On a different note: my ford focus had to go back to the shop a week after it came out and we should be getting it tomorrow!! woohoo! it's been real tough sharing one car to get three people to three different places (Chris to medical center, KJ to school (located in Wilde Horse), and myself to Boerne). Also, keep KJ in your prayers please. We took her to the doctor today and it turns out she has strep and croup. She has a steroid to take in case her breathing gets worse, an antibiotic for the strep, and albuterol treatments to ease the breathing. It's definitely been an interesting week for the Mayfields.

God is Good and I have faith that it will all turn out okay...

Good night.


**I just realized that I should have taken a picture of the needle! That thing was nothing like I expected --it was about 3 inches long -if not longer!!! I was expecting a tiny one inch needle. NOPE! My butt cheek is still sore!! LOL.