June 20, 2008

My new best friend

So, we meet, once again.
18 months that you've been gone.
What a bitter sweet reunion.
I didn't think I'd see you around so soon.
I feel like it's the right decision though.

Please be good to me.
Keep me balanced.
Don't overwhelm me.
Don't drain me.
Don't keep me from 'lovin'.

You're one part of my life that must stay consistent.
I'll depend on you only for a while.
Let's not get to comfortable
Because the time will come when we must part, once again.

Figured it out yet? LOL. I'm working on accepting my current situation (one of them at least) --w/ a sense of humor!! haha --So, for those of you who have figured it out . . . you're either cracking up or rolling your eyes (Chris is still laughing at me, yes, AT ME! He says "I'm not making fun of you; You're cute!" --but I know he's making fun of me!! ha ha. I don't care. I'm making light of how I really feel.) LOL. For those of you who have no idea what this is about, I started my BC today. Yay! :) and Boo! :( all at the same time.

Doc says it should really 'take care' of the pain I've been dealing w/ (my right ovary has been very mean to me!) -so Yay to that. Also, this will help us do our best in planning the next couple/several years.

I did shed my tears today. I had no idea it would happen. When the doc asked why we decided to get back on BC and stop TTC, I started talking about it a bit and then just told him that it's a bit emotional for me . . . so he quickly switched subjects. :) What a great doc! Really, he is! Then I gave my usual updates to my mom and sis but when my mom heard sadness in my voice she kindly asked, "you doin' okay, mija?" --and then I broke. Just a bit. It's settling, finally. Something I AM very thankful for: My WONDERFUL doc gave me 2 months of BC. That saves us $100!!! Yes, the BC I choose to take costs $50 a month! :( But thank God we just saved $100!! And he said that if the pain doesn't start getting better w/in the month that I should go back and see him and he would keep monitoring my ovaries (I think I've already mentioned that the cysts had started to come back. Well today, because I mentioned how much pain I've been in, daily, he checked my ovaries and my right (the one causing all the miserable pain) has several cysts -5 times bigger than what the left ovary has! :( - **I just realized this might be making some of you cringe . . . sorry! ha ha** ANYWAY!! If I have to go back and see him, I know him, he'll give me more "samples" of my BC -hee hee!! :D But God willing I won't have to go back.

So my silly poem is one way of accepting my new pills . . . instead of fertility pills, i should have been starting today, I walked away w/ the complete opposite. haha.

It is what it is now and I WILL make the best of it. I'm ready . . . Let's get packing for Disney World!! ha ha!!


June 19, 2008

What the?!?!

LOL . . . LOL . . . What the?!?!

When I saw this . . . I was shocked . . . for so many reasons. Maybe you don't see it the same . . . when I right clicked, it took me to the site and I cringed even more . . . (http://store.americanapparel.net/swim.html)

Now, I'm not model Material --compared to a stereotypical model these days! BUT I just couldn't believe some of the swimsuits that are shown and then the 'who' they are on!!! (for ex: the HAIRY HAIRY man legs that are shown w/ the trunks!!! lol --I feel I have a right to shriek about that because I have my fair share of hair!!! lol)

I live in a society that hasn't been exposed to many 'realistic' looking 'models' -you know?! I'm used to seeing the perfect, airbrushed, look --and this is nothing like that! impressive in some way, I guess . . .

*to each their own . . . to each their own . . .*

Say the RIGHT thing!

Read this article today and found it very informative, useful, encouraging.

In this article:

Say the Right Thing

By Andrea J. Buchanan

It's hard to know how to help when a friend has a miscarriage or fertility problems, or is going through a divorce. Here are the best ways to tell her you care.

When a Friend Has a Miscarriage

Lisa Bertrand, of St. Louis, felt sad and alone after her pregnancy ended at nine weeks. Her friends and family tried to be supportive, but some of their remarks were piercing and painful. "One friend said, 'The baby must have had a lot of problems,'" she recalls. "To me, it sounded like she was saying, 'It probably wasn't a perfect baby, and so what's there to be so upset about?'" What helped was talking to a friend who cried with Bertrand when she told her the news. "That friend really understood how I felt, and I ended up being the one reassuring her, saying, 'Don't worry; I'll be okay,'" Bertrand said.

No matter how clunky their reaction, most people genuinely want to make a friend who's lost a baby feel better. "Even the most insensitive things that pop out of their mouth are usually motivated by an impulse to make everything okay," says Ann Douglas, author of The Mother of All Pregnancy Books. With a miscarriage, what often gets minimized is the depth of the loss -- or at least that's how it can feel to someone who is hurting. "Even a very early miscarriage is the loss of a baby, and that causes grief," Douglas says. In addition, a woman who loses a pregnancy often feels guilty, as if it's somehow her fault. Friends who don't acknowledge what happened can compound that feeling. "If you aren't sure what to say, just say, 'I'm so sorry,'" suggests Douglas. "It might seem generic, but in most cases, it's the most appropriate thing to tell someone."

Don't say...


"It just wasn't meant to be." It's easy to be philosophical when it's not happening to you.

"Are you going to try again?" When someone's grieving the loss of an unborn child, she doesn't really want to think about another just yet.

"At least you know you can get pregnant!" Right. But she also knows she can lose the baby. Not something she wants to be reminded of.

Do say...


"I'm so sorry to hear about what happened."

"I'm here if you feel like talking about it."

"Can I watch your kids or run errands for you? I'd like to help in any way I can."

When Someone Gets Divorced

My friend Sarah separated from her husband when their son was 4, and she was stunned when a casual acquaintance reacted to the news with a cluck of the tongue. "She said, 'Oh, your poor kid' -- as if I hadn't thought of him in all of this!" When Katie Allison Granju, of Knoxville, Tennessee, first told people she was parting with her husband after three kids and 13 years of marriage, a clueless friend asked, "Have you considered counseling?"

The common thread in these reactions is the assumption that a friend who's getting divorced is overlooking something. But odds are that she's been considering this move carefully for a long time. No matter how resolved she is about her decision, though, a divorce still brings out all sorts of feelings: anger, guilt, shame, sometimes even a sense of relief. "The best thing you can do is listen," says Randi E. Platt, a psychologist in private practice in Philadelphia. "Emotions run high when a marriage breaks up, and your friend needs someone who can help her deal with her feelings."

Don't say...


"Was he cheating?" Never press for details -- it's none of your business unless your friend needs to vent.

"Did you think about how this will affect the children?" Yes, your friend has probably thought about this far more than you can imagine.

"My parents got divorced when I was a kid, and I used to wish they could get back together." Your story is not relevant -- unless your friend explicitly asks for your memories on this subject.

Do say...


"I just called to see how you're doing and to tell you I'm sorry that you've been going through such a difficult time."

"How are you holding up? Let me know if you'd like to meet for coffee."

"You're going to get through this."

When a Friend Is Infertile

When Andrea Young, of Richardson, Texas, grappled with infertility she heard all the classics: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant." "My brother's friend's wife took vitamin E and finally got pregnant." "You could always adopt." She got so used to these kinds of comments that she almost became numb to them. "But some really stung, especially ones that implied infertility was a weakness on my part," Young recalls.

If you haven't dealt with infertility, it's hard to understand how consuming and emotionally challenging it can be. Someone who can't conceive often finds it tough to be around pregnant women and new moms -- and her feelings of self-esteem are probably at an all-time low. Infertility can put a strain on a couple's relationship, and the medical treatment itself causes emotional ups and downs. "It's important to be extremely sensitive to how difficult the situation is for your friend," Platt says. If she wants to share details of the ordeal, be available to listen. But if she doesn't offer information, don't pry. Above all, take cues from her about what kind of situations she can -- and can't -- handle.

Don't say...


"I just know you're going to get pregnant soon!" Actually, you don't.

"That's awful. You must be so depressed." It's presumptuous to assume you know how someone else feels. And a person in crisis doesn't need to be reminded of her pain.

"My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant!" Talk about bragging -- and rubbing salt in the wound.

Do say...


"I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I could help."

"I'd love to hear about what's happening, if you feel comfortable talking about it."

"Call me anytime if you need to vent."

When a Friend's Child Is Very Ill

Melinda Wenner Bradley, of Glen Mills, Pennsylvania, was shocked by how one woman reacted when she told her that her toddler had cancer. "She said, 'Aren't you terrified?' right there in front of my older child," Bradley recalls. "What I wanted to say was, 'No, I don't have time to be terrified. And even if I was, I wouldn't want my kids to know.'" Now that her son's prognosis is good, she encounters people who talk about how relieved she must be that his illness is over. "I know they mean well," Bradley says. "But the reality is, cancer isn't ever over. He'll be undergoing tests every few months for years."

People are usually eager to help when a friend is dealing with a medical crisis. But unless offers of help are specific, they can be overwhelming. Since your pal will be spending a lot of time at doctors' appointments and the hospital, let her know exactly what you can do: pick up her other kids at school, deliver a hot meal for the family, or send an e-mail update to friends she doesn't have time to contact. She'll need emotional support as well, so tell her you're available if she wants to talk. And make sure she knows that your offer to help is not a one-time thing. "Be there for her on an ongoing basis," Douglas says. "It takes months -- even years -- for people to come to terms with a major event like a seriously ill child. Your friend will appreciate having your support over the long term."

Don't say...


"Oh, I know someone who had something like that, and he's fine." Unless it was exactly like that, please don't share. Also, never talk about kids who had a similar diagnosis and didn't make it.

"I hope it's not terminal." Not something your friend wants to contemplate right now. And if she does, let her bring it up.

"Is it contagious?" You may be concerned about your own kids, but this question sounds selfish and insensitive.

Do say...


"I'm sorry to hear your son is in the hospital. I'd be happy to pick your daughter up from soccer practice so you'll have one less thing to worry about."

"I've been thinking about you a lot. How are you doing?" Then make sure you really listen. There might not be anything more to say.

"I can sit with you, do some online research -- whatever you need, I'll do it." Don't be afraid to throw out ideas. She might be too freaked out to think straight.

When Someone Says Something Hurtful to You

If you're going through a crisis, and someone makes a remark you find inappropriate, you have every right to cut the encounter short, says Susan O'Doherty, PhD, a psychologist in Brooklyn. Say something like, "Thanks for your concern," and then change the subject. Or, if you're comfortable being more direct, say, "I'm sorry, I don't really feel like talking about this."

Copyright © 2008 Meredith Corporation. Used with permission from the July 2008 issue of Parents magazine.

June 18, 2008

'what if'

Hi. I warn you -I'm in one of my 'moods' . . . my 'thinking moods', which I experience often.

So, I was reading a blog --almost an entire blog (she's pregnant, so I read from Nov. 2007 to June 9). I don't know her personally; I've met her once and she is a good friend of an old friend of mine -why I felt to share all that, who knows-. Anyhow, I have so much respect for all that I read. I don't even know her but I respect her for who she is and how she choses to be real. I mean REAL. So, it got me thinking...

Originally, when I signed up for myspace it's because a co-worker of mine (thanks amanda! ha ha) introduced me to it and encouraged me to sign up. I felt it would be a silly waste of time (which most of the time, I admit, it is. --now, don't huff at me so quickly . . . it all has to do with what one chooses to do. I choose to waste time on myspace -to pass time, get my mind focused on something other than what's right in front of me, and then I really do like to keep up w/ people and see what goes). I signed up thinking it would be a 'once in a while deal. I was wrong. I had fun, found old school mates, friends, etc. Well, then I found that I really enjoyed a place to just be me and not have to face all the judgement and criticism that exists in 'life'. Well, I guess to make a 'long story short', I thought I could use my blog as my window of truth --share who I really am and what really goes: how I love life, have so many questions, i have my doubts, passions, annoyances, I love being me, i daydream, I think -a lot! - and so on, you know? the little piece of me that no one really understands or cares to get to know? Make sense? The part of me that I shy away from showing at times because it has always been contradicted w/ all sorts of lectures, rules, boundaries, etc . . . I'm not a bad person. I honestly believe I am really a GOOD person . . . BUT I'm not perfect. THAT, I think, would be a given right? We hear it all the time "no one is perfect". Don't you ever wonder what someone is really like? What they really think when no one asks . . . or what they really want to share but hold back (not wanting to shock, offend, or upset others). I often wonder how someone really feels about the person they say they love. People don't hold back from sharing how they REALLY feel about someone they don't like or care for. But it's so automatic sometimes to paint the perfect picture or what we want other to see in the ones we like, care for, love. I wonder what someone really wants to say when they say things are 'okay'. I'm a very curious person and I'm sure I'm not the only one out there.

So, I, often, feel that I want to be that straight forward 'this is who I am -take it or leave it-' type of person --that's how I feel inside (and lately it's getting stronger. I'm getting bolder and a little more 'brave', I guess I could say . . . or how about 'daring'.), but it's not what I show on the outside very often. I'm a 'pleaser/giver'. I tend to do all that I can to please those around me --but don't you wonder what it's really like in my head, in my heart?! Maybe that's why I talk so much . . . because I'm so busy beating around the bush of my true self that I'll find alllll sorts of things to talk about in order not to bare all and shock or offend someone?! I don't know. Maybe I talk too much because I think about what I'm going to say, how I'm going to say, what I think about when I'm saying it . . . ha ha . .

Okay, so now I wonder what my own point is --ha ha, kidding!

Here it is: I am currently dealing w/ a whole mega-mass of thoughts, questions, emotions due to some 'things' that are going on in my life/marriage, relationships (including friendships) . . . a part of me wants to just be real, be me, and blog like I would write in a personal journal or something -w/out hesitance of who I truly am and what really processes in my thinker and heart. BUT here's my question: WHAT IF I did? I know I would find out who my true 'friends' are --and that is a good thing, right?! I shouldn't care that what I have to say, what really goes, might repel some of you, right? Or should I?! I think that growing up the way I did -w/ what I've been taught and shown about religion (or whatever you want to refer to it as) and how to be 'proper' -in life- has caused me to believe that if I claim to be a Christian that everything I do and say should portray that 'image' . . . Well, to some extent I can see how that is important (in my walk w/ God). But it isn't about being a perfect person . . . I mean, isn't it a given that we all fall short? That we all fail and make mistakes? That we all are faced w/ trials?! Shouldn't it be about the HOW instead of the WHAT?! Isn't it more important on HOW I choose to handle my trials and how I choose to go about as a 'christian' making the best of what I am given, faced w/, surrounded w/?! Instead of the WHAT i'm faced w/, going through? I feel it's more of a learning experience to be real about how I, a woman of faith, a christian, handle, deal with, survive, (etc.) those issues --rather than the actual issue itself?! Does that make sense to anyone? When did it turn into "Oh my, I can't believe she's like that" -instead of it being "That's one way to handle something like that! huh!"

I think if I knew more people like that, that I wouldn't constantly have all these questions . . . that's just my opinion. I mean, I would still, definitely, have questions --but If I had more examples of how one copes w/ these circumstances then I wouldn't wonder if I'm doing it 'right'!! I'm doing the best I can w/ what I'm given right now. I just know that some of my 'friends' would pass judgement or look at me 'crooked' (or feel that way behind my back). I'm positive some of you would feel that you're 'better' than me in some way --and/or think less of me . . . because the current path I'm walking?! Seriously?! How RIGHT is that?! I'm sure SOME of you might be able to understand what I'm talking about (being a Christian or not; I'm sure it happens to everyone!). Haven't you ever felt 'crazy' like you're the only one dealing w/ a particular issue -in your circle of 'friends- only to find out, that once you 'share' a little, that you AREN'T the only one?! Wouldn't it have saved you from so much of that feeling like 'no one' would understand you -if they would have only just been themselves from the start?

I do have my true friends that, no matter what is going on in my life, and how it is affecting me, they love me through it and won't point fingers --now, we are close enough that when need be they would point out some areas of concern --but never to the extreme that I feel I can't ever lean on them when needed. -and for those few, I am deeply, truly, thankful.

I had someone tell me, recently, that they didn't feel that they could really share what was on there mind because I'm "too good" -and I probably wouldn't understand! I almost wanted to reach through the computer and slap the silliness out of them!! ha ha. What was meant was more along the lines of compared to what that person had experienced/lived they would imagine me not understanding because in their eyes, I was set on a pedal stool a little higher than how they felt about themselves --which I shared w/ them that a sin is a sin . . . there's no degree of 1-10 for right and wrong. It's either right or it's wrong. The action itself might not be similar but the thoughts and feelings leading up to the action might be similar (and remember, I said MIGHT). Now, in our eyes as imperfect people, we might try to justify what we have chosen to do by comparing it to something that seems much worse . . . makes sense?!

Anyhow . . . I just wonder . . . WHAT IF we became as real as we crave to be -in our hearts and minds, w/ others around us . . . now, i know some don't even consider being real because it may hurt too much or all those hundreds of myspace so-called friends might gasp and turn away . . . I would much rather be appreciated and respected, by a few, for who I truly am rather than FEEL respected and understood, by many, for only what I allow people to perceive of me. But who really cares?! Who can really handle all that truth from one person?!

Someone recently told me, "if we can't be honest w/ the ones closest to us (the ones we are 'supposed' to trust) then where's the support going to come from -in order to better yourselfe in life?" And honestly why in the world would I want to surround myself w/ ones whom I can't be honest w/!?!?! That just wouldn't make sense . . .

If you're only honest w/ yourself and a select few . . . what kind of results will that offer? For me, truth is the only real solution . . . in any circumstance. I have to be honest w/ myself and not deny what I'm being faced with. --that is when the life changing results take place --at least that is what I believe.

I just don't think there are many that can handle it . . . I'd probably repel more than I imagine . . . or it could be the complete opposite. Maybe most of you agree w/ me and WOULD respect me more for being real about life's issues.

Now, I'm no Debbie Downer --but being 25, married for almost 6 yrs, a mother of a 3yr old . . . and all that makes me ME . . . I feel that I've learned differently compared to others my age. Not saying I'm better than anyone --because there's always something to learn from everyone -no matter the age . . . because we all have different stories. but that I possibly have something good to share in just being me -instead of sugar coating things. But who really wants that, right?! haha

yeah, so my blogs just might turn into a real-life 'reality' series . . . who knows! I'm growing, maturing and I'm not the same little Mishelly I used to be. Yes, life does change people, huh? My situations sure have . . .

I still love LIFE. I still love GOD. I still love FAMILY. But I'm at the point where I don't settle or make excuses for "unacceptable-ness" around me (like my new word?! ha ha). I'm not perfect; I make mistakes and stupid decisions . . . but I think I'm done holding back. I shouldn't be ashamed to be me just because I Love God and try my best to do right and be a good person . . . it's more reason to be me. If He accepts me for all my drama, flaws, confusions, mistakes, emotions -then who am I to be ashamed of what makes me ME!

a lot of changes are taking place. some I happily accept, some I'm a little hesitant to accept, and some I'm in denial and want to refuse to accept (knowing that it really might not be up to me -in the long run). so, if you find me distant, cold, rude, a little negative, just not that same "mishelly" at times --I just have a lot going on and I'm re-evaluating almost everything, trying to figure this out . . . don't know how long it will take. I'm not miserable . . . just a very quiet state --until I open up about some of these subjects, then you might just get more than you asked for, ha ha ;)

No worries, no worries . . . EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!! :)

June 12, 2008

Might you have something to say on this?

Can you get to your future if your past is present?

**quoting Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City)**

when I heard this, I thought I'd put it somewhere . . . got me thinking how true it is in so many ways and then realizing that your past is a part of present and future --in some way, there's no escape ---just some sifting through and lessons learned...

and then in some ways there is an escape . . . haven't really figured that one out yet though. Escape? really? I don't fully grasp that...

or maybe all it takes are baby steps . . . or one step at a time, right? gradually reach your future one step at a time --every time the past stays out of the present, you move one step closer to the future?


the past is a reminder used as fuel to continue to push you towards the future . . .

comments are always welcome!

okay, so I may be too much of a thinker but I sure do enjoy words of other 'thinkers'...

June 9, 2008

Everything must come to an end

Well, it's the end of the road for us. We tried our last try. It's time to move on as a family of three. 18 months have passed . . . we are officially done TTC. There have been enough ups and downs in this chapter to last a life time. Every thing happens for a reason, I stick to that. The memories of all that we've endured will help us stay strong and remind us that Kryssa is more than just a blessing in our lives. I know that God will give me the desires of my heart --on His timing and I accept that. I'm ready to focus on the next chapter of our lives, and my life.

I was supposed to see my doc today but i rescheduled for Thursday. That is the day when it will feel final --when I start my bc, ha ha. I don't know how he is going to react to our decision --I can kind of imagine what he might say and what expression he'll get on his face. He wanted to start me back on fertility drugs this month and that is what he is expecting to do when I see him next. But I just don't want to go through that again. Not right now; not this year. I had enough of the fertility drugs last year and I'm ready to just accept what this is and move on.

Kryssa says she's ready to start school. So, we're looking into some private schools; but I think we've missed the deadline for fall 2008 enrollment. So, maybe she'll start when she's five...

We are preparing to sell our house. It's been a lovely home for 3 1/2 year already. But we are looking to build a home and our lives in the outskirts of SA (closer to Austin, if not Austin). God willing, we will have a new address before 2009. So far, everything is working out nicely! :) It's a nice smooth path and a lot of perks. :D

Now that we aren't TTC, our Disney World vacation is more possible to plan! We have saved the funds, and we have the dates...now we can book it!! We hadn't booked it because if we found out we were pregnant, it would basically mean that I wouldn't be able to go because I would be too far along in December to fly (just like what happened in 2003: I bought tickets to fly to Cali -for chris's Christmas gift- and then weeks later we found out we were expecting....sure enough, when July came around, I was already in preterm labor and placed on strict bed rest --we lost money when we canceled our vacation package!! :( -so, we have learned our lesson.) now that we know there's no baby on the way for this year, we can book our vacation!!!!! --Disney World, here we come!! (God willing!)

Next month we will be celebrating our 6th year of marriage!! and that week, as usual, Chris is off for our celebration vacation! :D We aren't traveling anywhere for our anniversary this year --but we are planing on taking Kryssa to South Padre Island! Poor thing always talks about going to the beach and she will finally experience the beach this July. :) She's real excited and so are we!! Chris is actually working on booking a condo, today, for our beach vacation --Yepeeee!!

So, I'm focused on all the other 'happenings' for this year! I'm thankful that we are where we are in our lives as a family, married couple, and business/job. I have the flexibility that I've always wanted for my family, Chris is blessed w/ a job where he's continued to move up the 'corporate' ladder (Thanks be to God --and God willing, his next promotion happens by the end of this year) -and he does a wonderful job supplying for and supporting his family . . . AND we can continue to spoil our "only child" the way we love to!!! lol ;) I know, I know, I'm sure it will come back and bite us in the rear some day . . . but for now, w/in reason, we shall spoil her w/ lots of love and 'fun' things!!! hee hee :D

So, this is the update --the biggest update I've posted in a while. I just wasn't ready to share everything . . . I needed to let it settle in my head and heart before I blurred it out to you. It doesn't just feel like a dream anymore; it's real: we're no longer ttc...hm...let's see what comes of all this. :)

thanks for all your support, encouraging words, and listening ears. :) I'll will share more updates as they come along . . .