Today was a busy day, in my book —full of repetitive 'to-do' items. Here are some nitty gritty details...
Woke up at 7:15am (considered a "late" day but I still really struggled waking up). Woke KJ up. Showered and dressed, while she "accidentally" fell back asleep. :( Finally got her out of bed. Gave her morning instructions, "Get dressed, brush your teeth, get your shoes on, get something for breakfast, I need to fix your hair...", while I put my make-up on. Fixed her lunch. Brushed and fixed her hair. Drove KJ to her summer camp. Got out. Walked and signed KJ in. Walked back to car. Drove 15 mins, back home... tidied up a bit. Drove back to KJ's summer camp to watch their little "parade" (super cute!). Drove back home. Gave KJ some instructions, "wash your hands, feed your puppy, clean your room...". Cooked lunch. Started cleaning dishes. Started beans for dinner. Tidied house again. Left house and came right back (about 30 mins). Sat for about 30 mins. Washed dishes. Cleaned kitchen. Started working on dinner: mexican rice, sour cream chicken enchiladas, crockpot beans with a turkey leg (yum!). Set the table. Served dinner. Sat for about an hour. Packed food for Chris's work, rice and beans and the left over enchiladas (they are doing a potluck tomorrow. So, I had planned to make a ton of rice —that's what he wanted to take. He really liked the beans and wanted to share with people at his work. And the enchiladas? Well, I didn't know he wanted them on corn tortilla; I specifically remember him telling me he wanted them on flour. So, we didn't care much for the flour tortilla version. lol). Packed the rest of the left overs for us to keep. Made room in fridge for all the packed food. Cleared the table. Washed more dishes (pots and pans -uck!). Came to comp to blog.
*why do days like these sometimes feel more tiring than I remember a 12 hour work day, out of the house, felt?? It was just non-stop. All day, there was something that needed to be cleaned up, thrown in trash, taking to the recycling bin, put in laundry bins, picked up from the floor, put back where it belongs... I was on my feet, in the 'go-go-go mode', from 12:00pm until about 7:30. Then I only sat to eat and rest for a while before I continued through the night. :( These are only details that I currently remember. With the new pup, it seems as though my mind never rests now. :( I'm always wondering if she's chewing on something? is she being careful with her incision site —as it heals? is she eating something that could harm her? is Roxy, our almost 3 yr old dog, being a bully to her?...
Somewhere in there I also did "mommy duties" and worked with the new pup —worked on "bed" and "sit". I guess it wasn't that busy... I must just be 'running on low' already since it's Thursday?? Who knows. I should be asleep right now; yet, here I am... lol
My body is super exhausted today. And now, because of my new dose of Melatonin, I'm super sleepy!! :) I'm really looking forward to tomorrow —Friday!!
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
June 14, 2012
June 4, 2012
I am a _______________ Mom.
What's your 'fill in the blank' word this month?
Last month i filled in that blank with CHEER. This month, I will fill it in with SOCCER. I honestly have NO idea what I'm doing. lol I know nothing about soccer. My daughter knows more than I do. My hubby knows nothing about soccer... but here we go!
I rate the outdoors to be about a 6 (10 being the worst), during the hot months. during the spring and winter, I LOVE the outdoors. KJ probably loves it just about as much as I do —she can't stand the bugs (ants, mosquitoes, flies, bees, etc.). She's terrified to accidentally come in contact with poison ivy. So, I can almost picture it now: her screaming and crying on the field, terrified to move, because she saw ONE, yes ONE, ant... earlier! LOL ...but here we go!
I want to see her succeed. I want to learn the game. I want to let her experience all the things she wants to. I am really hoping that I have what it takes, as her mom, to push her just enough, not too much, to conquer those little, to her, huge, fears and annoyances.
If you have any tips or scriptures to help us begin this journey, I'd truly truly appreciate it!!
First soccer meeting, here we come!! (tonight at 6:45...outdoors.) ;P
Last month i filled in that blank with CHEER. This month, I will fill it in with SOCCER. I honestly have NO idea what I'm doing. lol I know nothing about soccer. My daughter knows more than I do. My hubby knows nothing about soccer... but here we go!
I rate the outdoors to be about a 6 (10 being the worst), during the hot months. during the spring and winter, I LOVE the outdoors. KJ probably loves it just about as much as I do —she can't stand the bugs (ants, mosquitoes, flies, bees, etc.). She's terrified to accidentally come in contact with poison ivy. So, I can almost picture it now: her screaming and crying on the field, terrified to move, because she saw ONE, yes ONE, ant... earlier! LOL ...but here we go!
I want to see her succeed. I want to learn the game. I want to let her experience all the things she wants to. I am really hoping that I have what it takes, as her mom, to push her just enough, not too much, to conquer those little, to her, huge, fears and annoyances.
If you have any tips or scriptures to help us begin this journey, I'd truly truly appreciate it!!
First soccer meeting, here we come!! (tonight at 6:45...outdoors.) ;P
April 23, 2012
Kryssa-isms
Traveling back to SA tonight, after Nate's baptism in Austin, she was explaining
something (I wish I could remember exactly what she was saying) and
ended her statement with "that's my hypothesis." Chris and I busted out
laughing!
We then went over some other wonderful "Kyrssa-isms":
We then went over some other wonderful "Kyrssa-isms":
- When she went to the beach for the first time, at Padre Island, I was about to go boogie board and she started freaking out, crying, saying that she didn't want me to go. Then she blurted out "Mom! Don't go into the ocean! You'll get lost at sea!!"
- (3/30/12) We were at the Apple Store. She asked if she could step away to play at a computer and we said that was fine. She was approximately 5ft away from us, at that time. We stepped about 7 more feet away from where she left us, thinking we could see her and everything was still fine. Little did we know that since we didn't tell her that we were stepping a little further away that she was going to freak out and think she was lost. She yelled out, "MOM??!". The look on her face was pure fear of being lost. I felt so bad for her; I quickly yelled out, "We're over here, baby; you're okay!" She came running to us with her arms open wide, desperately needing to be held, saying, "WHY'D YOU LEAVE??! YOU SCARED THE CREEPS OUT OF ME!!!". (LOL). We couldn't help but to laugh and we reassured her that she was okay because we still had an eye on her. But we did apologize for not letting her know. We told her that we wouldn't do that again --and she held on tightly to me for the rest of the night (because she had the creeps scared right out of her! hee hee)
- One that I'm not too fond of, but I'm sure I'll enjoy remembering this one as she gets older... it used to be really funny to us when she would get upset at us over not getting her way and then, with her arms crossed and a stomping of a foot, say, "I'm so steamed." or "I'm so steamed with you." (yeah, I trying to get rid of that one now because it's really annoying always hearing it just because she doesn't get her way. Although, I still think it's funny when Roxy, our little weenie dog, sneaks and eats KJ's food when she is turned and then I hear KJ yell, "ROXY!! GO AWAY! I'M SO STEAMED WITH YOU, ROXY!!". lol...)
April 22, 2012
Good "mornight"
It's 5:07am on Sunday. I have not slept yet. I've literally been in bed all day since Saturday, 11:00am. I've just been really down. I sent Chris a text, giving him a fair heads-up, about my mood and if he'd rather stay out —instead of feel trapped at home with me and my sad-in-the-dumps mood. He called as soon as he was out of work, which was thoughtful. But he wanted to hear from me about what was on my mind and why I was so down. I really didn't feel up to talking. In the text, I had mentioned how I was just randomly crying and couldn't sift through my thoughts, or really didn't want to deal with them. So, when he asked what was wrong, I honestly told him that he probably would rather not hear about it at that time. I think he took it the wrong way. I know he was being a good, caring, husband. However, I know that if I would have mentioned how he is partly the reason for my sadness and heartache, it would have hurt him, or even upset him.
I wish he'd understand that I'm still healing from what happened to us in December. I know I've been real vague in my posts about what happened. I did get his "consent" to share whatever I wanted to about the situation. But I really don't feel like he meant it. I think he just said I could share if I wanted to because he knew that's what I wanted to hear from him. And also, it's a topic that is so extremely controversial that I just don't feel strong enough to be judged on it, or to feel I have to defend myself to others, or to, on top of everything else, wonder who's thinking what about where I stand... It shouldn't be complicated, I know. It's my blog and I can speak my mind, I know. But still, it's just the way I am. I over analyze just about everything in my life. Well, lately, it's been from one side of the fence to the other. Right when I think we are really moving forward, I find something else out. I still feel like I'm being lied to. I still don't trust him the way I once did. I love him beyond words can express and I'm working hard every single day to be love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). But not trusting him the same way causes me to hurt in so many unfamiliar ways --and it makes me question everything.
I wish he'd also understand that my health and physical limitations aren't planned and are out of my control. One moment he'll be completely helpful, caring, and understanding (taking great care of me and making me feel better about the number of "oh"s and "ow"s I make in a day.) and then it feels as though the very next minute he will be frustrated and irritated with me (even pouty, giving me the silent treatment) when I opt out of activities or outings because of how I feel.
So, even though I know I'm not wrong for feeling the way I have felt all day, I am here, awake, at five in the morning dealing with all my thoughts and emotions —alone. And yet, I somehow still I feel bad for him!? It's because he did try to make things better for me, the best way he knows how, buying me little surprises from the store when he was out. He even bought stuff to bbq and have a little family (the three of us) outing in the backyard —fence lights and all (when the fence lights get turned on, it always makes it a "fun night out" for the family). When I told him that I wasn't up for it, he acted like I changed my mind and just left him hanging. I reminded him that I was up-front with him about how I was doing and that it was his idea, not mine, and that I never said "sure!". He actually got upset... It hurts me when things like this happen because I know how I would react and it's nothing like the way he reacts. He actually put everything away and didn't even carry on without me for KJ's sake! :( That's what makes me really really sad. I feel as though KJ misses out on doing things with her daddy just because mommy doesn't feel up to joining. I, on the other hand, would have carried on without him and walked a plate upstairs for him, so he could still have dinner -no matter his mood-, while KJ and I enjoy a fun night in the backyard.
I'm so confused. How does everything always seem to turn around to be my fault? I should be allowed to have my days, my moments, where I don't have to slap on a smile and pull the weight for everyone to have a happy night. All the things I thought were changing and being worked on since December seem to just be slipping away and I just don't know what to think of it right now.
Please pray for strength and understanding in our marriage. We really have come a long way --but there is much more to go.
Now that it's almost sunrise, I really should try to rest my mind and get some sleep...
*1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
(English Standard Version)
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (ESV)
I wish he'd understand that I'm still healing from what happened to us in December. I know I've been real vague in my posts about what happened. I did get his "consent" to share whatever I wanted to about the situation. But I really don't feel like he meant it. I think he just said I could share if I wanted to because he knew that's what I wanted to hear from him. And also, it's a topic that is so extremely controversial that I just don't feel strong enough to be judged on it, or to feel I have to defend myself to others, or to, on top of everything else, wonder who's thinking what about where I stand... It shouldn't be complicated, I know. It's my blog and I can speak my mind, I know. But still, it's just the way I am. I over analyze just about everything in my life. Well, lately, it's been from one side of the fence to the other. Right when I think we are really moving forward, I find something else out. I still feel like I'm being lied to. I still don't trust him the way I once did. I love him beyond words can express and I'm working hard every single day to be love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). But not trusting him the same way causes me to hurt in so many unfamiliar ways --and it makes me question everything.
I wish he'd also understand that my health and physical limitations aren't planned and are out of my control. One moment he'll be completely helpful, caring, and understanding (taking great care of me and making me feel better about the number of "oh"s and "ow"s I make in a day.) and then it feels as though the very next minute he will be frustrated and irritated with me (even pouty, giving me the silent treatment) when I opt out of activities or outings because of how I feel.
So, even though I know I'm not wrong for feeling the way I have felt all day, I am here, awake, at five in the morning dealing with all my thoughts and emotions —alone. And yet, I somehow still I feel bad for him!? It's because he did try to make things better for me, the best way he knows how, buying me little surprises from the store when he was out. He even bought stuff to bbq and have a little family (the three of us) outing in the backyard —fence lights and all (when the fence lights get turned on, it always makes it a "fun night out" for the family). When I told him that I wasn't up for it, he acted like I changed my mind and just left him hanging. I reminded him that I was up-front with him about how I was doing and that it was his idea, not mine, and that I never said "sure!". He actually got upset... It hurts me when things like this happen because I know how I would react and it's nothing like the way he reacts. He actually put everything away and didn't even carry on without me for KJ's sake! :( That's what makes me really really sad. I feel as though KJ misses out on doing things with her daddy just because mommy doesn't feel up to joining. I, on the other hand, would have carried on without him and walked a plate upstairs for him, so he could still have dinner -no matter his mood-, while KJ and I enjoy a fun night in the backyard.
I'm so confused. How does everything always seem to turn around to be my fault? I should be allowed to have my days, my moments, where I don't have to slap on a smile and pull the weight for everyone to have a happy night. All the things I thought were changing and being worked on since December seem to just be slipping away and I just don't know what to think of it right now.
Please pray for strength and understanding in our marriage. We really have come a long way --but there is much more to go.
Now that it's almost sunrise, I really should try to rest my mind and get some sleep...
*1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
(English Standard Version)
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (ESV)
March 24, 2012
His acts of kindness
Yesterday, Chris had to go in to work for a few hours, on his "day off". Yet, he still took my car and got an oil change, took the car to Brake Check for maintenance, took off my old family stickers, and put on my new ones (he is now a business dad. I am a chef mom. Kj is a cheerleader and we finally added roxy too!)! I thought he did such wonderful things for me yesterday. Little did I know he wasn't done. :)
Today, he drove my car to work again and got it washed and cleaned, inside and out, upholstery included, while he was at work (by a great mobile car wash business!). Then he stopped at the store on his way home, after working 12hrs, to buy some pineapple rings that I needed for dinner. I had called him to let him know I was heading to the store to buy them but he insisted that he would go for me. Once he got home, he showed me all the little surprises he brought home for me ((yay!)): a pretty little car freshener, my favorite moscato cupcake wine, delicious jumbo carrot cake cupcakes topped with cream cheese icing, and my current favorite chocolate covered pretzels with sea salt and caramel ice cream!! Wow!! (good thing I've been able to exercise slowly again!! Lol)
I've shared with him that one 'act of kindness' that truly makes me feel loved and taken care of is when he takes care of my car all on his own -because he knows it needs an oil change or car wash or gas or any kind of maintenance. So, he definitely nailed it...went above and beyond when he came home with the wine and cupcakes. ;) hee hee
I am blessed. I am loved. I am thankful.
Today, he drove my car to work again and got it washed and cleaned, inside and out, upholstery included, while he was at work (by a great mobile car wash business!). Then he stopped at the store on his way home, after working 12hrs, to buy some pineapple rings that I needed for dinner. I had called him to let him know I was heading to the store to buy them but he insisted that he would go for me. Once he got home, he showed me all the little surprises he brought home for me ((yay!)): a pretty little car freshener, my favorite moscato cupcake wine, delicious jumbo carrot cake cupcakes topped with cream cheese icing, and my current favorite chocolate covered pretzels with sea salt and caramel ice cream!! Wow!! (good thing I've been able to exercise slowly again!! Lol)
I've shared with him that one 'act of kindness' that truly makes me feel loved and taken care of is when he takes care of my car all on his own -because he knows it needs an oil change or car wash or gas or any kind of maintenance. So, he definitely nailed it...went above and beyond when he came home with the wine and cupcakes. ;) hee hee
I am blessed. I am loved. I am thankful.
February 27, 2012
Blogging For Endometriosis Awareness
Today, I found several great new blogs about endo, fighting a chronic illness, dealing with infertility, etc. I also got encouraged (and excited) reading an overwhelming amount of "Endo Awareness" info. I look forward to the month of March, for Endo Awareness, every year. There's just a "you're not alone" feeling I get when I read about other Endo Warriors... I'm ready for March!
I will be participating, sportin' the yellow! Will you? Click on the photo above for more details on Blogging for Endo.
Sinking. Fighting. Losing My Grip...
I don't know what is going on right now. It feels as though I am asleep in this distant world, dreaming, watching my life pass me by. I've been so medicated lately . . . lost in a fog. I've also been struggling lately --with a lot. It's put me in a major funk! It's not easy opening up. Although, I do choose to be a transparent blogger, for the most part.
**Heads up: I'm about to get real. Might even sound like a Debbie Downer to some. Just know, Life does Happen and this is my life right now --the good, the bad, and the ugly.**
I've been struggling with life, all of it. My health:
•Trying to recover from my back "malfunctions". I'll be going, on March 2nd, for my second round of injections to my lower spine and surrounding nerves.
•Fighting my way through infertility. I'm not sure what the next step is. We've made it through three and a half years now and it's been eotionally draining. IUI? Adopt? Foster? Take another break? Stop all together??
•Fighting my way through endometriosis and pcos. It's drained me emotionally, mentally, and physically right now. I wish there was a cure. I wish there was a remedy. I even just wish for a medicine that would actually work!
My personal life:
•Trying to mend and heal my heart and marriage. Thank God that we are now where we are. Somehow I was misled. I was under the impression that the longer you are married, the less complicated it would get. Maybe that is meant more for 25+ years of marriage, or even 50+ years? —not our nine and a half years of marriage? Nine and a half years may not be enough years to gurantee honesty, trust, communication, respect, and all the other core values of a strong marriage; but it's sure enough years to cause a hurt so deep, it feels as though it rips the flesh right off of you, shatters your heart and scatters all the pieces so far out of reach... and even then, God never fails. [God's] Love never fails.
•Trying to hold on to love -because most days I am in love and know exactly how blessed I am. I'm just hoping, one day real soon, I won't have to work so hard at reminding myself of those positive facts.
•Trying to figure out my child -is she so gifted that I don't understand what she needs just yet? Or am I in denial and something is just a little different and, again, I don't really understand what she needs right now. She's so smart and she amazes me everyday. Yet, those meltdowns and tantrums, though they aren't as frequent, really make me wonder how normal they really are for a 7 year old.
•Life in general: down to the simple concept of just "living". Is it enough to just wake up and "make it through the day" --because that's all I feel I have left right now. Wether it's because of my medication or my hidden emotions...I'll keep fighting. I know I will. But some days are just really questionable. I've been questioning so much. I don't think I've ever experienced this as an adult. It's been 10 years since I last struggled with some of these thoughts. I'm doing all that I know to fight fight fight ... and I'm pretty sure I should seek professional help. But I seem to just laugh, quietly, at the thought of sitting in a strange place talking about my deepest, darkest, most personal thoughts and emotions with a total stranger. A stranger that I would hope to never ever bump into around town. A stranger who might not truly understand me. A stranger who, more than likely, does not have my best interest in mind --it might be just another session...just another paycheck. That's wrong of me, right? I mean, I'm sure it's really wrong of me to put everyone into one category. BUT...it's how I feel. It's why I have felt so alone. I don't know how to trust anyone with my life. I don't know how to seek help.
I pray. I wait queitly, waiting to feel God's love take over. I wait to know that He is guiding my next step -whatever that step may be. But something just isn't right. I've never felt this way as a mother...as a wife. How can I focus on myself for the proper healing to take place when my whole life revolves around my daughter and husband? From the moment I wake up, it feels like go-go-go. That momentum keeps me going keeps me happy, keeps me busy and able to enjoy my day. And then when the work day is over, when the school day is over, when it gets quiet... it starts seeping through the cracks and that's when I don't know what else to do. It's not all about me. It can't be all about me. I have a family now...
I'm pretty sure this may be raising a few eyebrows, causing a few gasps and "oh my!"s. This may even be causing some "Oh please. Get over it" remarks —because you've been through worse, which I don't doubt you one bit. I understand. But maybe there are those of you who get it... who truly understand. I need your support. If you know me for me then you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am still the loving optimist. I am also someone who breaks every now and then and needs an outlet, which happens to be blogging. I am someone who will pull through because I fully believe that God will not give me more than I can handle and I know that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". I just happen to be in a place where it's been quite a bit more challenging to live out what I know deeeeep down in my heart.
So, for those of you who have already been praying me through this heavy storm, with all my heart I Thank You. And if this is news to you... will you please help by saying a prayer any time you might think of me and/or my family? I would truly appreciate it.
Sincerely,
Michelle
**Heads up: I'm about to get real. Might even sound like a Debbie Downer to some. Just know, Life does Happen and this is my life right now --the good, the bad, and the ugly.**
I've been struggling with life, all of it. My health:
•Trying to recover from my back "malfunctions". I'll be going, on March 2nd, for my second round of injections to my lower spine and surrounding nerves.
•Fighting my way through infertility. I'm not sure what the next step is. We've made it through three and a half years now and it's been eotionally draining. IUI? Adopt? Foster? Take another break? Stop all together??
•Fighting my way through endometriosis and pcos. It's drained me emotionally, mentally, and physically right now. I wish there was a cure. I wish there was a remedy. I even just wish for a medicine that would actually work!
My personal life:
•Trying to mend and heal my heart and marriage. Thank God that we are now where we are. Somehow I was misled. I was under the impression that the longer you are married, the less complicated it would get. Maybe that is meant more for 25+ years of marriage, or even 50+ years? —not our nine and a half years of marriage? Nine and a half years may not be enough years to gurantee honesty, trust, communication, respect, and all the other core values of a strong marriage; but it's sure enough years to cause a hurt so deep, it feels as though it rips the flesh right off of you, shatters your heart and scatters all the pieces so far out of reach... and even then, God never fails. [God's] Love never fails.
•Trying to hold on to love -because most days I am in love and know exactly how blessed I am. I'm just hoping, one day real soon, I won't have to work so hard at reminding myself of those positive facts.
•Trying to figure out my child -is she so gifted that I don't understand what she needs just yet? Or am I in denial and something is just a little different and, again, I don't really understand what she needs right now. She's so smart and she amazes me everyday. Yet, those meltdowns and tantrums, though they aren't as frequent, really make me wonder how normal they really are for a 7 year old.
•Life in general: down to the simple concept of just "living". Is it enough to just wake up and "make it through the day" --because that's all I feel I have left right now. Wether it's because of my medication or my hidden emotions...I'll keep fighting. I know I will. But some days are just really questionable. I've been questioning so much. I don't think I've ever experienced this as an adult. It's been 10 years since I last struggled with some of these thoughts. I'm doing all that I know to fight fight fight ... and I'm pretty sure I should seek professional help. But I seem to just laugh, quietly, at the thought of sitting in a strange place talking about my deepest, darkest, most personal thoughts and emotions with a total stranger. A stranger that I would hope to never ever bump into around town. A stranger who might not truly understand me. A stranger who, more than likely, does not have my best interest in mind --it might be just another session...just another paycheck. That's wrong of me, right? I mean, I'm sure it's really wrong of me to put everyone into one category. BUT...it's how I feel. It's why I have felt so alone. I don't know how to trust anyone with my life. I don't know how to seek help.
I pray. I wait queitly, waiting to feel God's love take over. I wait to know that He is guiding my next step -whatever that step may be. But something just isn't right. I've never felt this way as a mother...as a wife. How can I focus on myself for the proper healing to take place when my whole life revolves around my daughter and husband? From the moment I wake up, it feels like go-go-go. That momentum keeps me going keeps me happy, keeps me busy and able to enjoy my day. And then when the work day is over, when the school day is over, when it gets quiet... it starts seeping through the cracks and that's when I don't know what else to do. It's not all about me. It can't be all about me. I have a family now...
I'm pretty sure this may be raising a few eyebrows, causing a few gasps and "oh my!"s. This may even be causing some "Oh please. Get over it" remarks —because you've been through worse, which I don't doubt you one bit. I understand. But maybe there are those of you who get it... who truly understand. I need your support. If you know me for me then you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am still the loving optimist. I am also someone who breaks every now and then and needs an outlet, which happens to be blogging. I am someone who will pull through because I fully believe that God will not give me more than I can handle and I know that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". I just happen to be in a place where it's been quite a bit more challenging to live out what I know deeeeep down in my heart.
So, for those of you who have already been praying me through this heavy storm, with all my heart I Thank You. And if this is news to you... will you please help by saying a prayer any time you might think of me and/or my family? I would truly appreciate it.
Sincerely,
Michelle
February 11, 2012
The Unconscious-Conscious Me
Yesterday, I went in for my procedure, lumbar epidural steroid injections. If you've read about my past procedures, you already know how I always fight as hard as possible to remember what I can before I'm "gone" in la-la land. Well, yesterday wasn't any different. As soon as they fed my Iv with the "happy juice", I remember feeling a bit nauseated. But also thinking, why hasn't it kicked in yet?! About two minutes later, I remember hoping I wouldn't tumble off the bed head first! Lol.
Once I had been rolled into the procedure room, I was shocked that they asked me, "you think you can roll over onto this bed for me?". I was a bit irritated and wanting to really speak my mind: "excuse me? You know I'm here because I can barely move, right? You should be aware by now that I have some serious mobility issues with my back. That IS why I'm here! And you go and start my sedation and THEN you ask me to move from one bed to the next??! You couldn't have asked me before making my head feel like it was just gonna roll right off? ...or better yet, you can have the common courtesy to assist me, roll me, or just push me right over. But no! You're just gonna stand there and ask me to move my completely off-balanced self right over --and you're just gonna watch me?! Really. Oh well, if I fall head first, I probably won't even care or feel anything...what the heck; here I go!"
Then I remember them positioning my arms and helping me get comfortable. I remember saying something dorky like, "oh, look! It's like if I'm getting a massage!" since I have to be face down, the head/face rest is similar to a massage table. I remember they just chuckled [the kind that shows they have either heard it a thousand times or the kind of chuckle that you give when something isn't funny but you don't want to be rude] and said, "yeah!". I got comfortable...reeeeeal comfortable.
I remember hearing the anesthesiologist tell me that he was going to put me to sleep and monitor me the entire time and for me to just relax and take a deep breath.
Before being wheeled in, I did ask my doctor if I would feel any pain; I was super nervous. His response was not as comforting as I had hoped for. He said, "well...see, if we put you in a deep sleep you won't remember what you feel." and unfortunately, I was in the prep room right next to the procedure room so I was able to hear other patients as they went in and came out. I heard loud drawn out "owwww" and moans and groans. And then as they were being wheeled out I also got to hear the sedated giggles of loopy-ness and funny remarks. so I was pretty nervous about feeling pain or crying out from pain during the procedure.
So, I was comfortable and out. But then I do remember cringing and saying "ow" a few times. I DO remember feeling the sting as the numbing medicine was being injected into my back. I have gone through that pain without sedation before and I have handled it well; but with yesterday's procedure, since it was going straight into my spine, I was nervous about moving during the procedure and then becoming paralyzed!! *yes. Extreme. I know --but valid!*
During my cringing, I felt a hand holding my shoulders as still as possible and a voice saying, "it's almost over. Your doing great..." and then I remember waking up on my back feeling really sore. When I realized The procedure was over, I quickly moved my toes and legs and thanked God that I could still move them!
It seemed like a tiny nap. I think Chris said it was about 45 mins or so. I fought real hard to wake up quickly. I absolutely hate laying alone in that sedated state. The first words I remember mumbling out were, "Im thirsty." after finishing my cup in three gulps, I asked for more. I was told I could go back to sleep and I remember mumbling out "no, I'm good". Then she asked if I'd like to go home or rest some more and I immediately, as clearly as possible, said, "go home please!".
I love the feeling of seeing my love right after I wake up from a procedure. It's just so comforting!!
Chris helped me get dressed and I very very carefully tried to follow along as the nurse read the discharge instructions.
Chris does a fantastic job of pampering (spoiling) me after a procedure. We stopped to pick up chickfila, i hadn't eaten in about 15 hrs -so I wanted to order everything!! Lol and then I was craving ice cream (a rare thing since I don't tolerate dairy all too well) so he also stopped at mcdonalds :) I was a very happy happy gal, enjoying my ice cream cone on the way home --still really out of it.
I wasn't allowed to walk any stairs yesterday; Chris did a wonderful job making me nice and comfy downstairs. He brought down everything I needed, including our queen-size mattress!! He made meatballs with corn, mashed potatoes gravy, and cranberry sauce for dinner. And on top of all that, he even went out and bought my favorite "comfort foods": gardetto's, cookies n cream ice cream and a couple of glazed donuts. :) (horrible junk food, I know --but it made me so happy!! Hahaha).
I'm still resting as much as possible today. I'm anxiously waiting to see what the results of this procedure will be. So far so good (except for the nerve pain, on the backside of my left leg, and the ice-cold numbing sensation it causes). I know I need to give it a few days before I can really know what the results are.
Kj will be back home later today. I'm really looking forward to some cozy family time this evening! :) I'm staying optimistic. Bed rest, knitting, and movies aren't such a bad thing right now anyway ;).
Thank you for all the well wishes and prayers!
Once I had been rolled into the procedure room, I was shocked that they asked me, "you think you can roll over onto this bed for me?". I was a bit irritated and wanting to really speak my mind: "excuse me? You know I'm here because I can barely move, right? You should be aware by now that I have some serious mobility issues with my back. That IS why I'm here! And you go and start my sedation and THEN you ask me to move from one bed to the next??! You couldn't have asked me before making my head feel like it was just gonna roll right off? ...or better yet, you can have the common courtesy to assist me, roll me, or just push me right over. But no! You're just gonna stand there and ask me to move my completely off-balanced self right over --and you're just gonna watch me?! Really. Oh well, if I fall head first, I probably won't even care or feel anything...what the heck; here I go!"
Then I remember them positioning my arms and helping me get comfortable. I remember saying something dorky like, "oh, look! It's like if I'm getting a massage!" since I have to be face down, the head/face rest is similar to a massage table. I remember they just chuckled [the kind that shows they have either heard it a thousand times or the kind of chuckle that you give when something isn't funny but you don't want to be rude] and said, "yeah!". I got comfortable...reeeeeal comfortable.
I remember hearing the anesthesiologist tell me that he was going to put me to sleep and monitor me the entire time and for me to just relax and take a deep breath.
Before being wheeled in, I did ask my doctor if I would feel any pain; I was super nervous. His response was not as comforting as I had hoped for. He said, "well...see, if we put you in a deep sleep you won't remember what you feel." and unfortunately, I was in the prep room right next to the procedure room so I was able to hear other patients as they went in and came out. I heard loud drawn out "owwww" and moans and groans. And then as they were being wheeled out I also got to hear the sedated giggles of loopy-ness and funny remarks. so I was pretty nervous about feeling pain or crying out from pain during the procedure.
So, I was comfortable and out. But then I do remember cringing and saying "ow" a few times. I DO remember feeling the sting as the numbing medicine was being injected into my back. I have gone through that pain without sedation before and I have handled it well; but with yesterday's procedure, since it was going straight into my spine, I was nervous about moving during the procedure and then becoming paralyzed!! *yes. Extreme. I know --but valid!*
During my cringing, I felt a hand holding my shoulders as still as possible and a voice saying, "it's almost over. Your doing great..." and then I remember waking up on my back feeling really sore. When I realized The procedure was over, I quickly moved my toes and legs and thanked God that I could still move them!
It seemed like a tiny nap. I think Chris said it was about 45 mins or so. I fought real hard to wake up quickly. I absolutely hate laying alone in that sedated state. The first words I remember mumbling out were, "Im thirsty." after finishing my cup in three gulps, I asked for more. I was told I could go back to sleep and I remember mumbling out "no, I'm good". Then she asked if I'd like to go home or rest some more and I immediately, as clearly as possible, said, "go home please!".
I love the feeling of seeing my love right after I wake up from a procedure. It's just so comforting!!
Chris helped me get dressed and I very very carefully tried to follow along as the nurse read the discharge instructions.
Chris does a fantastic job of pampering (spoiling) me after a procedure. We stopped to pick up chickfila, i hadn't eaten in about 15 hrs -so I wanted to order everything!! Lol and then I was craving ice cream (a rare thing since I don't tolerate dairy all too well) so he also stopped at mcdonalds :) I was a very happy happy gal, enjoying my ice cream cone on the way home --still really out of it.
I wasn't allowed to walk any stairs yesterday; Chris did a wonderful job making me nice and comfy downstairs. He brought down everything I needed, including our queen-size mattress!! He made meatballs with corn, mashed potatoes gravy, and cranberry sauce for dinner. And on top of all that, he even went out and bought my favorite "comfort foods": gardetto's, cookies n cream ice cream and a couple of glazed donuts. :) (horrible junk food, I know --but it made me so happy!! Hahaha).
I'm still resting as much as possible today. I'm anxiously waiting to see what the results of this procedure will be. So far so good (except for the nerve pain, on the backside of my left leg, and the ice-cold numbing sensation it causes). I know I need to give it a few days before I can really know what the results are.
Kj will be back home later today. I'm really looking forward to some cozy family time this evening! :) I'm staying optimistic. Bed rest, knitting, and movies aren't such a bad thing right now anyway ;).
Thank you for all the well wishes and prayers!
February 1, 2012
Life feels like a big bowl of anchovies (just plain nasty!)
A pain in my shins (has returned to both legs again because of the lack of being able to use my back properly). A pain in my back (I just can't wait until the 10th!!). A pain in my abdomen/insides (stupid endometriosis is triggered very easily right now since I try to use any other muscle besides my back --when moving around, etc). And lastly the big pain in my butt -LOL (relationship, mommy-hood, and life issues).
I'm in so much pain. I need help. My pain meds don't do a darn thing for any of my pains right now. I need something to help me get through my busy **homeschooling, baby-caring, annoying but cute doggie 'do list', housekeeping (to the best of my caring abilities), never ending mouth feeding, nose cleaning, sanitize everything (and when I'm all done, start all over again), bill-paying, boo-boo kissing** kind of day! --all while running on horrible tossing-and-turning-hot-flashed-filled [non-existent thing they call] "sleep" Phew! By the time schooling is over, I still have anywhere from 6-8 more hours before I get to really take care of me. I'm not complaining --just stating some facts here. that's a whopping 15 hour work day --on my "early" days, not including the late night "mommy" duties that come along with my wonderful life (that wasn't sarcasm; I promise. I really do love being a mom!). I just need to figure out a better system, plan, or way of communicating when I'm down and needing recovery time. Because I'm just a full-blown grumpy pants when I'm in this much pain and I feel like I'm tearing down everything that we've worked so hard to build up... :(
Thank you Blogger, for giving me a quiet place to vent.
Good night.
((waiting for my Norco and Lyrica to kick in so I can have some decent sleep --to start all over again at 6am))
I'm in so much pain. I need help. My pain meds don't do a darn thing for any of my pains right now. I need something to help me get through my busy **homeschooling, baby-caring, annoying but cute doggie 'do list', housekeeping (to the best of my caring abilities), never ending mouth feeding, nose cleaning, sanitize everything (and when I'm all done, start all over again), bill-paying, boo-boo kissing** kind of day! --all while running on horrible tossing-and-turning-hot-flashed-filled [non-existent thing they call] "sleep" Phew! By the time schooling is over, I still have anywhere from 6-8 more hours before I get to really take care of me. I'm not complaining --just stating some facts here. that's a whopping 15 hour work day --on my "early" days, not including the late night "mommy" duties that come along with my wonderful life (that wasn't sarcasm; I promise. I really do love being a mom!). I just need to figure out a better system, plan, or way of communicating when I'm down and needing recovery time. Because I'm just a full-blown grumpy pants when I'm in this much pain and I feel like I'm tearing down everything that we've worked so hard to build up... :(
Thank you Blogger, for giving me a quiet place to vent.
Good night.
((waiting for my Norco and Lyrica to kick in so I can have some decent sleep --to start all over again at 6am))
January 31, 2012
Step on a crack, break your momma's back.
In all the medical, doctor, talk, I understood " . . . injection at L4, L5, and S1 for the left side and mark down L5 and S1 for injections on the right side. . . sedated . . . you won't even remember . . . if it works, it will keep you from needing back surgery..." This kind of very quick spoken mumble-jumble went on for about 3 minutes. Before these 3 minutes, the doc entered the room, introduced himself, asked me questions concerning my pain —what makes it worse (everything) and what makes it better (nothing). He showed me some very good diagrams that made everything about my pain make sense. He told me about the procedure 'Lumbar Transforaminal Epidural Steroid Injection' and that he only recommends two of those procedures before recommending a surgery, instead of the usual 3 procedure recommendation. He says that if the first two don't do the trick of relieving the pain and giving me my life back that there is no point in undergoing the procedure a third time.
It all seemed to have happened so quickly. I was overwhelmed with questions, words, and explanations --but I wasn't lacking any information. My questions were answered without me even having to ask. It's like he knew what he was doing or something ;P He says that he likes to think they have it down like a "science". He seems really confident about what he does and how he chooses to tackle each patient's situation . . . he some how managed to convince me to trust his judgement. Maybe it's the amount of pain I've been in since November 9, 2011. Or maybe it's the fact that I can't do anything "normal" anymore. I'm sure it's a combination of everything I've been going through since November! But whatever the reason is, I walked out of there in a state of shock. Shocked with how quickly he got straight to the point and to the source of my pain. Shocked with the information I had just received about what was planned for my spine and surrounding nerves. I'm still a little shocked... "I'm going to have what done to my what?!" It's a bit scary --but I'm just so exhausted from pain that I'm willing to try whatever right now!! I need relief As Soon As Possible!!
My first procedure is scheduled for February 10th, 2012. The second one is scheduled for March 2, 2012. I'm praying that I won't need anything more after that. I'm praying that I will be able to get some comfort and relief. I look forward to sleeping well, sitting on the floor, getting dressed normally, brushing my teeth without needing extra support, sitting and getting up normally...the list goes on.
I am currently on Lyrica. It's supposed to relieve my pain. I've been on it since my appointment, January 12. I don't feel that it does anything for me --however, I wonder how much more pain I might be in without it. I'm always in pain, even when I take Norco. My pain scale right now goes as follows: in pain, in a lot of pain, in so much pain it hurts to breath. So, it's really hard to feel a difference with the Lyrica.
My loves and friends have been taking wonderful care of me! I am so blessed to have such wonderful people around me. I know that I would be stuck, literally, without them. From the back rubs, to getting up to get what I need (up the stairs and down the stairs), to walking as slow as a snail most of the time, to driving carefully (avoiding bumps, pot holes, taking turns slowly, etc), to excusing my crazy mood swings brought on by the stupid pain and sometimes even the pain meds, to even lovingly taking care of the household while I lay and/or sleep. I'm so very grateful.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. :) xoxx
It all seemed to have happened so quickly. I was overwhelmed with questions, words, and explanations --but I wasn't lacking any information. My questions were answered without me even having to ask. It's like he knew what he was doing or something ;P He says that he likes to think they have it down like a "science". He seems really confident about what he does and how he chooses to tackle each patient's situation . . . he some how managed to convince me to trust his judgement. Maybe it's the amount of pain I've been in since November 9, 2011. Or maybe it's the fact that I can't do anything "normal" anymore. I'm sure it's a combination of everything I've been going through since November! But whatever the reason is, I walked out of there in a state of shock. Shocked with how quickly he got straight to the point and to the source of my pain. Shocked with the information I had just received about what was planned for my spine and surrounding nerves. I'm still a little shocked... "I'm going to have what done to my what?!" It's a bit scary --but I'm just so exhausted from pain that I'm willing to try whatever right now!! I need relief As Soon As Possible!!
My first procedure is scheduled for February 10th, 2012. The second one is scheduled for March 2, 2012. I'm praying that I won't need anything more after that. I'm praying that I will be able to get some comfort and relief. I look forward to sleeping well, sitting on the floor, getting dressed normally, brushing my teeth without needing extra support, sitting and getting up normally...the list goes on.
I am currently on Lyrica. It's supposed to relieve my pain. I've been on it since my appointment, January 12. I don't feel that it does anything for me --however, I wonder how much more pain I might be in without it. I'm always in pain, even when I take Norco. My pain scale right now goes as follows: in pain, in a lot of pain, in so much pain it hurts to breath. So, it's really hard to feel a difference with the Lyrica.
My loves and friends have been taking wonderful care of me! I am so blessed to have such wonderful people around me. I know that I would be stuck, literally, without them. From the back rubs, to getting up to get what I need (up the stairs and down the stairs), to walking as slow as a snail most of the time, to driving carefully (avoiding bumps, pot holes, taking turns slowly, etc), to excusing my crazy mood swings brought on by the stupid pain and sometimes even the pain meds, to even lovingly taking care of the household while I lay and/or sleep. I'm so very grateful.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. :) xoxx
January 1, 2012
At a glance
As I scroll through facebook today, I see many posts that are starting with "What a great way to start off 2012...". This is the first year that I'm thinking "What's the big deal, people?!! It's just another year!..." I am normally the optimist . . . I hope I get back to the 'normal' me soon. :( It's exhausting feeling this blue.
This is the biggest life change I've ever encountered as an adult. It's changed me —I'm not someone I would even want to be around right now. ha! I don't blame others if they walk away from me thinking, "Geesh! What's her problem?!" I don't remember a simple smile feeling like such hard work...
If I had to look back on 2011 and remember some great moments, I would choose to remember:
My hubby's heart beating normally again
Getting the opportunity to sing again
The birth of my little nephew
Meeting a wonderful new bff
Having the chance to parent a teen
Paying off our second car
Loving all the little babies that have come into my life
Learning so much more about KJ
...I'm sure there are many more -but those are what come to mind right away...
What I hope for 2012:
Major positive changes in my relationship(s)
A beautiful new baby
To stand on my own two feet
To be debt free
I look forward to trusting and loving fully again
I WILL find the "ME" that is meant to be
So, as I start 2012, looking in every direction for any signs of hope and encouragement, I know my only way to start this year off right is to rely fully on God —to trust and love Him with everything I am —to learn to be still and let Him lead my every step.
Here's to 2012. Happy New Year.
This is the biggest life change I've ever encountered as an adult. It's changed me —I'm not someone I would even want to be around right now. ha! I don't blame others if they walk away from me thinking, "Geesh! What's her problem?!" I don't remember a simple smile feeling like such hard work...
If I had to look back on 2011 and remember some great moments, I would choose to remember:
My hubby's heart beating normally again
Getting the opportunity to sing again
The birth of my little nephew
Meeting a wonderful new bff
Having the chance to parent a teen
Paying off our second car
Loving all the little babies that have come into my life
Learning so much more about KJ
...I'm sure there are many more -but those are what come to mind right away...
What I hope for 2012:
Major positive changes in my relationship(s)
A beautiful new baby
To stand on my own two feet
To be debt free
I look forward to trusting and loving fully again
I WILL find the "ME" that is meant to be
So, as I start 2012, looking in every direction for any signs of hope and encouragement, I know my only way to start this year off right is to rely fully on God —to trust and love Him with everything I am —to learn to be still and let Him lead my every step.
Here's to 2012. Happy New Year.
December 19, 2011
A punch in the gut
In order to respect a VIP in my life, I'm sorry, I can't share many details right now. It's not easy —because my way of 'healing' is mostly through words (spoken and written). All I know is that I don't know anything at this point. Everything I thought I knew about life just laughed in my face. It's a very isolating feeling. Yes, I have some great supportive people; however, I'm still the one that has to face everything and figure out a way to manage, to heal, to move on . . . to continue moving forward.
And worst of all, this is supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year". Lord knows, I am truly grateful for the many blessings in my life —and I do mean many. But sometimes it's hard to see how they outweigh the heartache(s) and difficult chapters in life.
December 8, 2011
M-R-ay! ay! ay!
I've been in bed since Tuesday. My back is injured. I don't know what is causing all of this -yet. I have an MRI scheduled for today, Thursday, at 6pm. I'm nervous. The doc scared me when he said that I have been risking paralysis --because I've just been pushing myself even though I can barely hold my own weight up (can barely, and sometimes can't at all, walk, sit, lay, move, laugh... Everything is very very hard to do right now -even just taking in a breath. :(. I pray for answers and some relief to happen soon.
It first happened on November 9 of this year. I went to The emergency room on the 10th, had bed rest until I went back to work on the 15th. It was super tough but it was the newest baby's first day and I really dislike closing. I barely managed. The last week of November was my vacation week and I could barely even take a car ride to buy a Christmas tree with my family. And then, finally, I had two days, December 4th and 5th, of being about 90% back to my norm; and then, because I felt so great, I decided to scrub my oven, on monday, and later sat on the floor with the babies... I was stuck. I couldn't move -again. I had hoped it was just stiff from cleaning and sitting on the floor. But no. I ended up reliving November 9th, and the days to follow.
So, I saw my doc on Tuesday and he said for sure 7 days of bed rest. Then we will go from there --depending if I can move yet or not. The MRI will show whatever is wrong or damaged and then I am scheduled to see a pain management doctor. I have no idea what news tomorrow will bring...
For now, I am taking Norco every 6 hrs and probably gaining 10 pounds a day. Lol. I'm learning to rest and let everything else just be...
(my God-sent, "other half", bff, captured this moment of "rest")
It first happened on November 9 of this year. I went to The emergency room on the 10th, had bed rest until I went back to work on the 15th. It was super tough but it was the newest baby's first day and I really dislike closing. I barely managed. The last week of November was my vacation week and I could barely even take a car ride to buy a Christmas tree with my family. And then, finally, I had two days, December 4th and 5th, of being about 90% back to my norm; and then, because I felt so great, I decided to scrub my oven, on monday, and later sat on the floor with the babies... I was stuck. I couldn't move -again. I had hoped it was just stiff from cleaning and sitting on the floor. But no. I ended up reliving November 9th, and the days to follow.
So, I saw my doc on Tuesday and he said for sure 7 days of bed rest. Then we will go from there --depending if I can move yet or not. The MRI will show whatever is wrong or damaged and then I am scheduled to see a pain management doctor. I have no idea what news tomorrow will bring...
For now, I am taking Norco every 6 hrs and probably gaining 10 pounds a day. Lol. I'm learning to rest and let everything else just be...
(my God-sent, "other half", bff, captured this moment of "rest")
October 21, 2011
She's keeping a close eye on me
Kryssa keeps up with what I tell her. :)
Yesterday, she tried to sneak past me. When I asked her why she was sneaking, she slumped over and quietly said, "'cause I went potty and I don't want to wash my hands." Needless to say, I went on explaining the importance of hand washing when dealing with bodily fluids.
So, today, after I finished changing a baby's diaper, I noticed that she kept watching my every move. As I'm wiping down the changing table, she asks me, "MOM! . . . have you washed your hands!?? Remember, you're always supposed to wash your hands after dealing with potty stuff!..." As I finish up and head to wash my hands, she says, "Now are you going to wash your hands?? . . . Mom, you know what Life Rule number 16 should be? Always wash your hands after going potty or changing a dirty diaper"
So, take note people. The official "Life Rule #16", according to the 7 year old: Always wash your hands when dealing with potty stuff.
Yesterday, she tried to sneak past me. When I asked her why she was sneaking, she slumped over and quietly said, "'cause I went potty and I don't want to wash my hands." Needless to say, I went on explaining the importance of hand washing when dealing with bodily fluids.
So, today, after I finished changing a baby's diaper, I noticed that she kept watching my every move. As I'm wiping down the changing table, she asks me, "MOM! . . . have you washed your hands!?? Remember, you're always supposed to wash your hands after dealing with potty stuff!..." As I finish up and head to wash my hands, she says, "Now are you going to wash your hands?? . . . Mom, you know what Life Rule number 16 should be? Always wash your hands after going potty or changing a dirty diaper"
So, take note people. The official "Life Rule #16", according to the 7 year old: Always wash your hands when dealing with potty stuff.
October 11, 2011
Sad sad and not so sad
Today was tough. I received numerous emails regarding Miss K. Some were fyi's from her school and the others were from a case worker that thought she was still living here. Last week, I received a phone call (voice message) about setting up everything we would need to submit monthly records. I guess they are just as slow to pass along the update, that she no longer lives here.
I'm great during the day, taking care of the kids, homeschooling, prepping meals, etc. However, once everyone goes home and everything is quiet, it feels as though I fall into a huge dark hole of sadness. I need to stay busy. I don't even like the peace and quiet right now...music, tv, chit chatting --it all clouds my mind and helps me focus on the happier things around me.
Chris has been wonderful. With his new meds for his heart (I just realized I haven't blogged about *that* update yet), he's always sleeping. And when he's not sleeping he's extremely sleepy and needs a nap. But even with that new change, he's great -loving supportive, comforting, and the perfect comedian right when I need it. :)
I wonder how he's doing... I wonder how kj is doing?! I know I'm not the only one affected by all of this.
I know, I know, "this too shall pass". I think I need to find a new fun hobby or something. Any ideas??
I'm great during the day, taking care of the kids, homeschooling, prepping meals, etc. However, once everyone goes home and everything is quiet, it feels as though I fall into a huge dark hole of sadness. I need to stay busy. I don't even like the peace and quiet right now...music, tv, chit chatting --it all clouds my mind and helps me focus on the happier things around me.
Chris has been wonderful. With his new meds for his heart (I just realized I haven't blogged about *that* update yet), he's always sleeping. And when he's not sleeping he's extremely sleepy and needs a nap. But even with that new change, he's great -loving supportive, comforting, and the perfect comedian right when I need it. :)
I wonder how he's doing... I wonder how kj is doing?! I know I'm not the only one affected by all of this.
I know, I know, "this too shall pass". I think I need to find a new fun hobby or something. Any ideas??
October 10, 2011
Saying "Goodbye" and letting her go
I haven't wanted to write about this. I still don't feel ready, even now. But I feel it might help bring some kind of closure?...if that's ever even possible.
We knew that stepping into the world of fostering would not be "a piece of cake". But we knew that the joys would always seem to outweigh the challenges. This wasn't even anyone's fault -other than the differences in how the two states processed the paper work. It wasn't done in the way that we were originally led to believe. We found out at the last minute that how we thought the process would be was completely wrong. We couldn't take the next step. It wasn't the wisest choice for her or us. It's all about 'What's best for her'. And that's how it should be, of course; but it's definitely not easy. I'm sad, angry, resentful, and even a little bitter inside. How could this have happened?! Why couldn't we have found out a whole lot sooner. We knew that there was always a chance that we wouldn't be her parents long-term. It just all seemed to happen so quickly.
All her stuff is still in her room, as if she's coming home after school —like any other regular day. I keep her room door closed to help me adjust to the change. Tonight, I finally folded our huge laundry pile and I had a stack of her clothes that I quickly folded, placed on her bed, looked around for a few seconds, shut the light off, and closed the door behind me --then quickly put a smile on my face as KJ approached me with a normal question, "mommy, where did you find this necklace? I've been looking for it!". I had to show my little KJ that "everything is alright". I can't let her see my sadness . . . not yet at least.
Thankfully, she can still come "visit" with us --as long as it continues to work out for everyone (her, her family, our family, etc.) She's back with her previous family; which is really the best case scenario —she knows them, loves them, and she will be able to just continue her days as normal (going to the same school, continuing with her usual after school activities, etc.) I hope she understands. I hope she sees all the positive in the situation —How she can get the best of both worlds. It's not "goodbye" forever. Just until she visits again.
I trust God's plan for us. We had kept this whole situation in prayer from day one. I have to trust that this is His perfect plan for everyone involved. (I like to remember how my mom encouraged me through the tough decisions. This is what I got from what she said: Even if just for a short season, it was meant to be the way it turned out. The time we all had together has influenced her and her future in very special ways...) I have to stay focused on what a wonderful young lady she has become and what a beautiful future she has ahead of her. We are forever grateful to have shared a part in her life.
Here's to trusting God for a beautiful future . . .
We knew that stepping into the world of fostering would not be "a piece of cake". But we knew that the joys would always seem to outweigh the challenges. This wasn't even anyone's fault -other than the differences in how the two states processed the paper work. It wasn't done in the way that we were originally led to believe. We found out at the last minute that how we thought the process would be was completely wrong. We couldn't take the next step. It wasn't the wisest choice for her or us. It's all about 'What's best for her'. And that's how it should be, of course; but it's definitely not easy. I'm sad, angry, resentful, and even a little bitter inside. How could this have happened?! Why couldn't we have found out a whole lot sooner. We knew that there was always a chance that we wouldn't be her parents long-term. It just all seemed to happen so quickly.
All her stuff is still in her room, as if she's coming home after school —like any other regular day. I keep her room door closed to help me adjust to the change. Tonight, I finally folded our huge laundry pile and I had a stack of her clothes that I quickly folded, placed on her bed, looked around for a few seconds, shut the light off, and closed the door behind me --then quickly put a smile on my face as KJ approached me with a normal question, "mommy, where did you find this necklace? I've been looking for it!". I had to show my little KJ that "everything is alright". I can't let her see my sadness . . . not yet at least.
Thankfully, she can still come "visit" with us --as long as it continues to work out for everyone (her, her family, our family, etc.) She's back with her previous family; which is really the best case scenario —she knows them, loves them, and she will be able to just continue her days as normal (going to the same school, continuing with her usual after school activities, etc.) I hope she understands. I hope she sees all the positive in the situation —How she can get the best of both worlds. It's not "goodbye" forever. Just until she visits again.
I trust God's plan for us. We had kept this whole situation in prayer from day one. I have to trust that this is His perfect plan for everyone involved. (I like to remember how my mom encouraged me through the tough decisions. This is what I got from what she said: Even if just for a short season, it was meant to be the way it turned out. The time we all had together has influenced her and her future in very special ways...) I have to stay focused on what a wonderful young lady she has become and what a beautiful future she has ahead of her. We are forever grateful to have shared a part in her life.
Here's to trusting God for a beautiful future . . .
October 4, 2011
Eighteenth time's a charm
Right?! Well, I at least hope it is. I went from, last week, being able to see the faintest of faintest lines on my hpts . . . to, Sunday, starting my cycle two days early. :(
In my "oh, I want to conceive!!" crying sessions, that I allowed myself yesterday, I felt God's love and comfort. He comforted me in a way like never before —or at least I don't remember, if I've already said this. He opened my eyes to a new way of enjoying this chapter in my life. Have you ever felt words spoken to your heart? They are the best. In this moment, my heart ache and confusion went away: "Enjoy the now. Because once you conceive, life will never be the same again. The life that you can enjoy now will no longer be. The time that you have now for your daughter and husband will change..." The heavy weight of sadness was lifted —immediately. I felt refreshed . . . until the next wave of emotions. BUT it was comforting to remember to "enjoy the now". :)
Last night as I was cuddling with my love (enjoying the 'tingly love sensations' in the pit of my stomach) I was, again, reminded of what I have now... I had to share that moment, that I had experienced earlier, with him. (It's similar to how we've been saying that we had NO idea how we would never get the "us" time back —after KJ was born. We only had 2 yrs of "us".) I really hope it comforted him as it did me. I know his heart aches too —in ways, I will never understand. With all the ups and downs infertility brings, (I don't really know what the "ups" of infertility are...??) the love I have for my hubby has only seemed to intensify. Don't worry . . . I'm still normal —he still irritates the heck out of me. ;) lol But I sure do love him!!
In my "oh, I want to conceive!!" crying sessions, that I allowed myself yesterday, I felt God's love and comfort. He comforted me in a way like never before —or at least I don't remember, if I've already said this. He opened my eyes to a new way of enjoying this chapter in my life. Have you ever felt words spoken to your heart? They are the best. In this moment, my heart ache and confusion went away: "Enjoy the now. Because once you conceive, life will never be the same again. The life that you can enjoy now will no longer be. The time that you have now for your daughter and husband will change..." The heavy weight of sadness was lifted —immediately. I felt refreshed . . . until the next wave of emotions. BUT it was comforting to remember to "enjoy the now". :)
Last night as I was cuddling with my love (enjoying the 'tingly love sensations' in the pit of my stomach) I was, again, reminded of what I have now... I had to share that moment, that I had experienced earlier, with him. (It's similar to how we've been saying that we had NO idea how we would never get the "us" time back —after KJ was born. We only had 2 yrs of "us".) I really hope it comforted him as it did me. I know his heart aches too —in ways, I will never understand. With all the ups and downs infertility brings, (I don't really know what the "ups" of infertility are...??) the love I have for my hubby has only seemed to intensify. Don't worry . . . I'm still normal —he still irritates the heck out of me. ;) lol But I sure do love him!!
(my favorite scripture)
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it
is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily
angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but
rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always
hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails
1 Corinthians 13:4–8
October 1, 2011
A tooth is just a tooth...
Until it falls out!! Kj has a new empty space for another "adult tooth". And boy oh boy was she excited when it unexpectedly fell out. She had set up her tooth fairy pillow earlier this week...and now she got to use it again.
 |
| Thank you, mmmcrafts for the tooth pillow tutorial !! |
Finally a mobile app!
Now I can post on the go. :) because posts like these are OH-so important; right?!
Like us eating at CiCi's...
(well, she mainly likes to lick the Mac and cheese pizza. Lol)
Like us eating at CiCi's...
(well, she mainly likes to lick the Mac and cheese pizza. Lol)
September 8, 2011
I'm fertile . . . just not fertile enough.
I still cry. I still mope. I still wish it was me and not just everyone else around me. I still stare at my belly in the mirror and try to remember what it was like carrying a baby in there. I still feel every gas bubble and daydream that someday it will be movement of a baby in there. lol (I admit, that one is pretty pathetic. haha) We are right about to hit 17 months of ttc. This was when I started to lose hope and give up the last time we tried to conceive —we stopped at 18 months... I don't feel that I've lost hope this time. I do have my moments where I try to accept the possibility that I may never have the chance to conceive another child; "That's just silly!" I tell myself over and over and over again. "Maybe just not in the plan for my 20's...?"
Just to top off all the wonderful negative hpt results: I gave in to the urge to test. I tested on what was supposed to be my day one. Listen to me when I say as soon as I put the cap back on the hpt, my day one started. I'm not even kidding. It was soooooo unkind.
So, today is day 3 and I'm staying optimistic. :) I'm focusing on the wonderful children in my life and my adorable little Roxy-poo (which by the way, we celebrated her 3rd birthday this past weekend —we bought her some doggie ice cream cups. It was adorable; we sang happy birthday and gave her the yummy treat. She gratefully trotted off, with the cup in her mouth, to enjoy her ice cream outside!).
. . . and life goes on.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)