August 20, 2012

He has perfect swimmers and I have young what's the problem?

There aren't any answers to our infertility —other than having endometriosis.  Dr. B also says that my pcos seems under control (hormone-wise).  So, it's just "unexplained" secondary infertility.  Really??!  What??  WHY?!?  ugh!

I kept telling Chris, prior to today, that I was afraid I was going to be told that I have ovaries of a 60 year old —fortunately, I don't.  Chris was afraid he was going to have bad swimmers —fortunately, he doesn't.  :)  So, what's next?  IVF.

This is the current plan, from what I understood:

  • On Day1 (I'm currently on Day13), I'll call to schedule "ID labs" (to test for infectious diseases) and schedule a saline ultrasound (and then beside it, she wrote Hycosy FemVue) —She wants to recheck my tubes since they were completely blocked in 2008; and she says it's also when they'll do a "practice transfer".
  • Chris has to go in for ID labs some time before September, I'm guessing.  They just told me he can go in whenever —but it has to be before our IVF class, I'm sure
  • IVF Class will take place at the end of September (where we sign consent forms, learn about the medications, how to give injections [eeeek!], and everything else about IVF).
  • I'll stop the birth control pills (I don't remember exactly when they said) and I'll start another Day1 and the estimated date for our first IVF cycle will start in the beginning of October.
Now that "plan" is, of course, based on being able to afford all the medications.  I still have to call to see if our insurance covers any part of that.  We do know that they cover the actual IVF procedure, praise God, but we don't know if we are 100% responsible for the prescriptions (which I hear can run about $3,000+!!  Yikes!)  So, depending how much our 'out of pocket' expenses will be will determine our actual IVF cycle start date.  :(  I'm really praying we can start in October.

Today, I also found out that I have to lower my cholesterol at least 16 points.  It's at 215 and she says it should be under 200.  I'll be cutting down on greasy and fried foods and I was also told that walking at least 30 mins a day is what will really make a difference.  That I can do!

To be honest with you, I was really bummed out after my appointment.  I had no idea that we would be looking at October to start with IVF.  I thought we could start sooner.  Also, we didn't/don't have an IVF "budget".  We never saved for it; we never thought we'd be here.  So, to have to "figure it out", financially, between now and then, is quite stressful.  I've seen some great ideas about making and selling something to help support our journey.  But, at the same time, it feels just a tad bit embarrassing...? (not sure if that's the right word to describe what I feel).  So, I'm open to other ideas if you know of any.

I still can't believe we are here . . . it feels like a never-ending journey.  But I must have faith.  I have to find a way to enjoy the journey because, someday, I want to be able to look back and know that I did the best I could with what I was given. 

So, here's to continuing to focus on the positve:  ... our tests at least show we are fertile... even if trial and error has proven other-wise.  (lol)  ;)

August 17, 2012

Pep Boys will NEVER get my business again!

What a day!  Chris took my car to Pepboys because I had my a/c worked on back on June 5 and by June 8 it needed to be worked on again.  Well, time sure has passed but we finally made it back to Pep Boys today.  They weren't able to find the problem... I was told that they had checked everything out with my a/c and could not find the problem. 

As I drove away from Pep Boys, I remembered that I needed to return a motor mount from Auto Zone, that we had purchased in February...

**When I went to Pepboys on June 5th, for the a/c, I also asked them to look into the rattling my car was doing.  (A friend of ours had already fixed two, out of three, motor mounts on the car in February.)  Well, Pepboys told me that the mount that hadn't been repaired yet needed to be repaired.  So, I added that to the a/c repair.  I paid over $500 for the repairs that day.  When I went to drive my car, I noticed it was still rattling.  I went back in and they told me I would have to go back the next day because the mechanics had already left for the night.  I went back a day or two later and was told to go back later that afternoon because I needed to talk to the mechanic that had worked on my car, and he wasn't there yet.  I went back later that day (and was then told that someone should have helped me when I went the first time, that morning.  I should NOT have had to go back!).  Then I was told that a different motor mount, one that our friend had replaced, needed to be replaced again.  They told me it was a bad mount and was causing the rattling.  I couldn't leave my car that night so I told them I would take my car back in, again, the next day, June 8th.  I managed to keep my cool and stay positive that the rattling would finally stop.  The mount was replaced and I paid right under $150. (the rattling did NOT go away and they told me that there was nothing more they could do.  "sometimes cars just rattle..."  Uh, the car is only an '03!)  I asked for the old mount back so that I could return it back to Auto Zone, since it had only been on the car for a few months (and the car wasn't even being driven for most of that time)**

...So, as soon as I picked my car back up, I went straight to Auto Zone.  Auto Zone, looked at the part that I was telling them needed to be returned because Pep Boys said it was faulty and needed to be replaced.  The guy looked at me and told me that Pep Boys was wrong and that there was nothing wrong with the part.  He looked carefully at all the parts that would be cracked IF it was actually a bad part.  He showed me where the cracks would be and what do you know... the part was NOT bad in any way.

Without thinking, I asked if they would be able to return the part anyway because I had already paid for the repair at Pep Boys.  Then they kindly knocked some sense into me!  They told me that I should go back to Pep Boys and get my money back because I did NOT need to pay all that money for a repair that was not needed.  Duh!  Why didn't I think of that?!  I immediately called Pep Boys and, of course, got the run around.  The guy had the stupidity to tell me "well, if there's nothing wrong with the mount then Auto Zone should return it."  I responded with "If there's nothing wrong with the mount then it NEVER should have been replaced and I should NOT have had to pay $143!".  He asked me if I could go back to Pep Boys and speak to them in person because it was all "too confusing" to figure it out over the phone —and I'd need to speak with the service manager.

I called for backup... I called my parents.  I know, I know, I'm almost 30 years old and I'm a big girl now.  But they recently had similar issues with Pep Boys charging them for parts that were never replaced and they got there money back without a hassle (on two different work orders!! BAD Pep Boys!!  All that happened AFTER I had already taken my car for repairs —or else I never would have trusted Pep Boys with my car.).  So, they met me there just for "support" and reinforcements, if needed. ha!

When I walked in, the guy told me that nothing would be able to be done today because the service manager already left for the day.  I flipped out because over the phone, he told me the service manager was out to lunch and would be back in 30 minutes, and I should go in person after 30 mins.  He then tells me that when we were on the phone he didn't know that he had already left for the day —he really thought he had just left for lunch.  (He could have had the decency to at least call me back when he found out.  No, instead, he let me go all the way back for him to tell me to go in tomorrow?  I think not!!  I told him that something HAD to be done today because I was so tired of having to go another day to take care of things they have done.  He then looks at the part and says that it is faulty and I should take it back to Auto Zone and get a refund.  He also told me that they wouldn't know if it is a bad part because they don't "repair cars".  Uh, really?!  They wouldn't know if a part is good or bad even though that's what they look at alllll day long??!  Seriously?!  I then told the guy that Auto Zone will not take it back because there is nothing wrong with mount —it didn't need be be replaced like I was told by a Pep Boys mechanic.  He said, "I'll be right back." and was gone for about 10 mins...

He returned with all my $143 and change in hand!  (I was thinking "Oh!  I thought you said you couldn't make a refund like that on your own??...")  Then he tries to tell me that he needs my part, the one that they told me was bad; the one I had already paid for out of pocket.  Or that they would need to take the one that they put on my car off.  I told him that I didn't want them working on my car anymore and that the part that was in my hand was originally mine!  He tried telling me that he needs to show a faulty part for the return.  I told him that it wasn't my fault!  "If your mechanic hadn't told me that I needed this repair we wouldn't be in this situation.  This is my part.  I paid for it and the one on my car is there because your mechanic wanted to charge me for something that didn't need to be done!"  Then he tries to tell me that I should give him the part back because he is actually giving me more than what it's worth anyway... Is he really that stupid?!?  ( I really don't like calling people stupid!!  BUT seriously!!!)  He really thinks he was doing me a favor?!  I told him "You're not giving me any extra money!  You are giving me exactly what I paid out of pocket for something that didn't need to be done!  You're not giving me anything to cover my travel expenses or my time.  So, I should get every single penny back, not just what I paid Auto Zone for this part!"  He responded with "okay, I'm not going to argue with you over this."  he put the part back in the box, handed it to me, made me sign the receipt for the refund, and I was out the door.

GEEEEEZ!!!!!  What drama!!  I wish I really could get reimbursed for all the gas and time I've spent dealing with the problems they have caused.  Unfortunately, the a/c repair, I'm stuck with —even though my a/c still doesn't work properly.  They say that what they repaired is not the current problem.  So, I'm taking my car elsewhere and if I found out that Pep Boys did not fix what they say they did or that the parts they used were not new, I will be back for another refund!

On a good note:  I now have some cash to put towards the a/c repair! :)

August 15, 2012

Time to let go...

I've been up and down lately, with emotions.  I've been feeling really confused and sad and then really confident and joyful.  I've been trying to evaluate my life, thinking there needs to be some serious changes.  My marriage is still healing and I am working on myself —to be Love in my marriage (forgiving, kind and gentle with my actions and words, slow to anger, not holding grudges, etc.).  I am constantly reminding myself to "let go" of our battle with infertility and my battle with endometriosis.  I've been working on not letting myself turn bitter because of what has "happened" to me (in my marriage, with my health, and in my past —unfortunately, yes, it still finds a way to creep into my head and heart).  I'm working on staying away from the "Me" syndrome.  I don't want to have a pity party.  I want to just shake it off and keep moving forward. (easier said than done)

Today was a great day.  I felt great.  I felt "together".  I felt motivated.  Then, out of nowhere, around 8pm, the sadness and frustration took over.  I managed to overcome the heavy feelings and I was thankful to God...  then I came across a new blog, a great blog, Uncover Ministries.  It talks about having courage and letting go.  It stirred something inside of me.  I know I have a lot of healing to do.  Next month will be 5 years since I've known that I need to face the dark places of my past —and I still haven't. (I thought it wasn't an issue anymore and then right when I was about to turn 25 it hit me like a ton of bricks.)  I haven't known where to start.  The most I've faced anything is just having quiet time with God about it.  I confided in a friend last summer and we casually talked about our pasts.  But it only caused me to realize even more dark places of my past —parts of my past that I had been blind to see, until that conversation.  It confused, angered, hurt, and shook me up all over again.

So, as I read through the Uncover Ministries blog, it made me question "How much more courage must I need in order to face my past and actually "let go"?"  I really thought I had faced it and let go —enough to live my 'adult life'.  I sat and thought . . . and prayed.  I really need to find that starting point.  I'm realizing now that I have a lot more "letting go" than I originally thought.  I want to find that place in my life where I no longer carry the heaviness, anxiety, hurt, and anger of my past.

This song came to mind as I thought whether or not to post.  As much as I wondered what "others" might think after reading this post, the reminder that I'm not alone in this, and the thought that this might help someone else tonight, outweighed any concerns and hesitations I had...

Be blessed and stay encouraged!

(music video below)
Whatever You're Doing
by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...


Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

August 7, 2012

The waiting is over...

After 38 days of wondering what the results of this cycle would be, the wait is finally over. I'm so relieved...and so heartbroken. I started "Day1" today.

"Yay!" that I can finally schedule my blood work! But, oh, such a heartache --again. For some reason, I reeeeally had my hopes up for this cycle. I was reeeeally hoping for a natural conception.

I have no idea what to expect from here on out. I hope to hear good news about my ovaries and my egg supply. I hope we get the "okay" from Dr. B for IVF. I hope that I can hold myself together from here on out. I've had a few cry-fests today. But then had to turn around and be a "fun" mom (attend a build-a-bear fashion show, that KJ took an hour and a half to plan out) and act as though it's just a normal day. I have to be a considerate wife (still have to finish some laundry even though I really just want to curl up and cry). Although, if I can't hold myself together, I trust that God will do that for me.

Chris has a second sleep study planned for tomorrow night. I'd been just fine about us having to sleep apart -until my emotions kicked in about an hour ago.

I'll be curled up with a stuffed animal and heating pad for the next few days and nights...because endometriosis and periods happen to be worst enemies. :(

I'll update again soon.

August 5, 2012

Let's "socialize"!

If you haven't already heard the news... I finally created a facebook page for Life Happens.  I may not always have an entire blog to post but I sure have plenty of quick 'happenings' and photos to post on facebook.  :)

You can also find me on Istagram (life_hapns), Twitter (@life_hapns), and Pinterest (lifehapns).  I'd love to connect with you!  Oh, and if you enjoy phone games you can look for me as Life_hapns —of course! ;)

Find me on your favorite social site and say "hello".  I'd also appreciate if you "share" it with your family and friends.  Life sure "happens" and sometimes we just need all the support we can get... Thanks for supporting me on my journey!


August 4, 2012

Always learning patience

Today is cd35, 21dpo.  The only pms symptoms I have are: Endo has been flaring up on and off for about two weeks now, been on a moody roller coaster since Sunday, lower back has been stiff and in a lot of pain since Monday, insomnia since Monday or Tuesday, my "tatas", or as Chris likes to call them, my "pillows", have been sore since last night, and now I'm pretty convinced that I have strep!  :(  It's been a very interesting week, to say the least.  ha!

I've taken 5 hpts, all have been 'negative'.  :(  I think this is just a cruel, cruel, joke my body is playing on me!  I felt SO close to finally taking the next step, IVF, and I was sooo anxious to get to my 'Day 3' blood work done so we can take the first steps needed, to plan out IVF.  But instead... my body is holding back on me.  Or I'm actually pregnant?  I know that miracles happen.  I believe God's timing is perfect.  But I really thought I would have seen the RE this week to start everything —yet, here we are —just waiting...and waiting.  I had been having shorter cycles the last few months and I guess now my body wants to make up for it.  Way to go!  Day 35.

I'm always learning patience, but at the same time I'm having to fight off negative thoughts and OVER-excited thoughts, too.  It's extremely exhausting.

I just wanted some answers already.  The only answer I'm getting is a big fat negative (times 5).

I hear you, God... I'll keep my eyes set on you.  You hear my cries.  You hold my aching heart... 

Oooh, a song just came to mind (I LOVE THIS SONG!! but I couldn't find a video link):

You Are Faithful
-Kim Walker-Smith-
My heart aches for you my God
My soul waits for you my God
I’ve come far to find you here
In this place will I draw near
And your spirit soars me
to the highest heights
From where I'll not look back
I’ll keep trusting You

For I know You are faithful, my God [2x]

From the land of the barren
We will cry out for rain
Fill our hearts God
I’ll keep trusting You

For I know You are faithful, my God [4x]

Your spirit inside me holds me close
The wonderful presence I let go
I cleanse my hands
You burn my heart
I cry out for love
You set me apart

And your spirit soars me
to the highest heights
From where I am not look back
I’ll keep trusting You

For I know You are faithful, my God [5x]