January 31, 2012

Who says "not trying" is the best way to "try"?!

Good bye Clomid (been off of it for a while now), goodbye Metformin (since last week or so) --Hello hot flashes and crazy hormone ups and downs.  I don't know that my body really knows what "normal" hormone levels are.  The medicines all had their own side effects and now going back to my normal -which is very much abnormal- is such a change for me.

I told Chris, "Well, by this point in trying to conceive, I'm done with any extra medications; if we are going to conceive, it is going to be all natural and very much a Miracle!!"  But how do you "not try"??  If you set your mind to 'not trying', isn't that just the same as setting your mind on 'trying'?  isn't that stress also?  Too ridiculous!!

So, just to sulk in my sorrows . . . Jan 2007-December 2007, no luck.  Jan 2008-June 2008, no luck.  April 2010-December 2010, no luck.  Jan 2011-Dec 2011, no luck.  Jan 2012 . . . well, I just haven't tested yet.  Can you blame me?!  If you can, shame on you! (lol).

So, here I am, 7 months, 4weeks and 1 day away from turning 30 ---still drowning myself in TTC thoughts and daydreams... will this burning desire ever go away??

And to make things even better (hear the sarcasm?), here are just a few things I've heard or been told by KJ:
Earlier this month, KJ was sitting in time-out and very upset at me for placing her there.  She normally yells out things like "you're the meanest mommy ever!" and "Now you've made me mad!" (yes, I know, I have a lot of 'parenting' to do.)  Well, this particular day, for whatever reason [she had in her head] she just went off, yelling, "...and now that Kathryn is not here, I don't have a sister!!  I can't even call her my sister anymore; she's just a friend because she doesn't live here!  and it's all YOUR fault because you made the wrong decision!!"  --wow.  that one sure hurt.  I really hope that someday she will see that it wasn't my fault and that there is a very specific reason, somewhere in our lives, why things turned out the way they did...  She feels very strongly about being an only child.  I do know this.

 Last week, Chris called KJ into our room to tell her to get ready to go out to eat.  He chose to say "Kryssa, come here!  I have some exciting news to tell you!" (because we were going to her favorite restaurant, Red Lobster.  He was excited to share that news with her).  She definitely came running to our room and then ran to get dressed.  After dinner, on our drive home, she very randomly says,  "You know, daddy, when you called me and said you had some 'exciting news', I thought the news was that Mommy was pregnant."  My heart immediately shattered to pieces.  I apologized to her for making her think that.  I don't remember what I said next but it led her to say "...but I'd rather be in the hospital taking care of my mommy as we wait for the baby to be born!!" (then she got emotional).  I replied with "well, you can still take care of mommy!  I need a lot of help getting better from my back.  You're so wonderful at helping to take care of me!" 

Needless to say, the mood went from happy family dinner thoughts to sad, heart breaking, "my poor little KJ" thoughts...

So, here's to trying to "not try", right?!  (big cheesy smile)