April 28, 2012


Chris and kj went to go run some errands, and pick up pizza. When they arrived, they brought everything upstairs. She sat on the floor and said "I need something to eat...I'm famished!"

Once again, I bursted out laughing because of her choice of words. Lol!!

Gotta love her! :)

April 27, 2012

This won't last forever...this won't last forever...

I had my first physical therapy appointment today.  I had no idea what to expect.  I mean, I knew I'd have to answer a whole bunch of questions.  I knew that I was going to be "worked" on; and I knew that meant the possibility of worse pain.  What I didn't expect was to almost have my leg snapped off!

Liz, my therapist, warned me, "this is the worse part, as I assess you...".  There was some serious pain alright, as she pushed and poked, and twisted and pulled.  I had tears squeezing their way through my tightly clenched eyes.  I silently encouraged myself, in my head, to be tough and just breathe through it —that the end result would be worth it.  And then I hear her say, "okay, now just relax".  I knew I wasn't there for comfort.  I knew that "relax" meant, I'm about to do something that will only really work if you are fully relaxed.  I figured, how much worse could it really get.  By this point, she had already climbed on top of the table pushing all of her weight on me and she "loosened" up my upper back and worked her way all the way down to the tip of my tail bone.  At one point, I remember even thinking, right when my upper spine popped and relieved a lot of the tension I thought was just a 'normal day' or being tired (all built up, day after day).  She told me I was too stiff and unable to be assessed correctly until she loosened me up —like I said, it felt great when I felt my upper back pop.  But then she kept pushing...way past the point of "relief".  I felt as though her hands would going to push right the through the other side of me!!  So, like I said, I figured, how much worse can this really get??

After telling me to relax, I took a deep breath in, and about five seconds later, when I least expect it . . . YANK!  She jerked my leg so hard, as if trying to successfully yank a tablecloth off of the table without disturbing what sits on top.  My arms and head fly up in the air as I yelped from pain.  I was so embarrassed that I couldn't keep the yelp in or at least quiet.  Tears start sneaking out again.  But then a few seconds later, she is back to pushing down with all her might, and I don't feel the pain as bad.  What do you know, she must know what she is doing!  ;)

I'm super sore.  I feel as though I have bruises on my lower back, butt, and hip area —as if someone just stood over me and poked me repeatedly with a  big stick.  lol  Or maybe sore like when you get a shot right into the deepest part of your muscle.  She showed me my 'at home' exercises.  She told me to stop the planks, push-ups, and sit ups —that they are only making things worse for me right now because they are working on the wrong muscles, causing strain and stiffening up all the areas where I'm really needing to relieve the pain.  huh!  I had no idea!

I love how she excitedly said, "Ooh, you're doing great!  You're gonna be easy!  I appreciate that you came with such an open mind and willingness..."  I did everything she told me to do —regardless of the amount of pain it caused.  I had already psyched myself to push through the hour and complain later.  Now, I don't care if she tells everyone how great they're doing (which she probably does!) and how easy they are going to be . . . it worked to lift my spirits and help me stay focused on being the perfect patient (meaning no complaining).

So, now I've been laying in bed, frustrated that my pain medication didn't take my pain away!  My motivation towards the end of the appointment was the thought of cuddling up in bed and letting the pain pill take the pain away.  I know that it will get better.  I know that there will be a moment, some day, where I stop and realize that what I just did didn't cause the excruciating pain it's been known to cause. 

I have 11 more visits before we can determine what comes next.  I'm really hoping that each visit is NOT the same as today's...

April 26, 2012

I've gotta get busy now

Saw the neurosurgeon on Monday. To sum it all up quickly, he said:

"a major surgery is needed to repair damaged disc"

"My first choice is not a major surgery on someone your age...try 3 months of physical therapy first . I'll see you back in three months and we'll go from there. "

"strengthen your core...work on losing some of this [pointing to the belly side of my MRI scan]"

"absolutely NO running. NO running at all for a long, LONG, very long time --well after you've recovered. Running will compress the lower spine and cause serious damage"

So, I am taking what he said very, very, seriously. Since I was about to buy a serious pair of running shoes and force myself back to running, I'm putting that money towards a gym membership instead. :). Right now, I think I've narrowed it down to either Gold's Gym (because they have a kids program/Childcare and a pool!) or Anytime Fitness (because it's closer, has 24hr access, and we get a discount through Chris's employer --but no childcare and no pool.). It's not an easy choice but I read a tip -to use the free trial passes offered at all the gyms I
Considering and then see which I really will benefit from.

At my appointment on Monday, the doc wiggled and pushed around on my lower spine, right where ALL the pain comes from, and well, it clicked and pulled and hurt with what he did. It's been in worse pain ever since, only getting worse and worse (or as kj insists on saying, "worser!") each day... I'm maxing out on my allowed daily pill intake -and the pain still ranges between a 6 (when the meds kick in) and an 8 (when it's time for the next dose)!! :(

I have my first PT appointment on Friday. I know that it gets worse before it gets better -since they will not be avoiding pain but helping me work through the pain to get past it. But at this point, 5 months of very limited mobility and suffering from excruciating pain, I'm ready to try another "something new" and pray for great results!


April 23, 2012


Traveling back to SA tonight, after Nate's baptism in Austin, she was explaining something (I wish I could remember exactly what she was saying) and ended her statement with "that's my hypothesis."  Chris and I busted out laughing!

We then went over some other wonderful "Kyrssa-isms":
  • When she went to the beach for the first time, at Padre Island, I was about to go boogie board and she started freaking out, crying, saying that she didn't want me to go.  Then she blurted out "Mom! Don't go into the ocean! You'll get lost at sea!!"
  • (3/30/12) We were at the Apple Store.  She asked if she could step away to play at a computer and we said that was fine.  She was approximately 5ft away from us, at that time.  We stepped about 7 more feet away from where she left us, thinking we could see her and everything was still fine.  Little did we know that since we didn't tell her that we were stepping a little further away that she was going to freak out and think she was lost.  She yelled out, "MOM??!".  The look on her face was pure fear of being lost.  I felt so bad for her; I quickly yelled out, "We're over here, baby; you're okay!"  She came running to us with her arms open wide, desperately needing to be held, saying, "WHY'D YOU LEAVE??!  YOU SCARED THE CREEPS OUT OF ME!!!".  (LOL).  We couldn't help but to laugh and we reassured her that she was okay because we still had an eye on her.  But we did apologize for not letting her know.  We told her that we wouldn't do that again --and she held on tightly to me for the rest of the night (because she had the creeps scared right out of her! hee hee)
  • One that I'm not too fond of, but I'm sure I'll enjoy remembering this one as she gets older... it used to be really funny to us when she would get upset at us over not getting her way and then, with her arms crossed and a stomping of a foot, say, "I'm so steamed." or "I'm so steamed with you." (yeah, I trying to get rid of that one now because it's really annoying always hearing it just because she doesn't get her way.  Although, I still think it's funny when Roxy, our little weenie dog, sneaks and eats KJ's food when she is turned and then I hear KJ yell, "ROXY!!  GO AWAY!  I'M SO STEAMED WITH YOU, ROXY!!".  lol...)

April 22, 2012

Good "mornight"

It's 5:07am on Sunday.  I have not slept yet.  I've literally been in bed all day since Saturday, 11:00am.  I've just been really down.  I sent Chris a text, giving him a fair heads-up, about my mood and if he'd rather stay out —instead of feel trapped at home with me and my sad-in-the-dumps mood.  He called as soon as he was out of work, which was thoughtful.  But he wanted to hear from me about what was on my mind and why I was so down.  I really didn't feel up to talking.  In the text, I had mentioned how I was just randomly crying and couldn't sift through my thoughts, or really didn't want to deal with them.  So, when he asked what was wrong, I honestly told him that he probably would rather not hear about it at that time.  I think he took it the wrong way.  I know he was being a good, caring, husband.  However, I know that if I would have mentioned how he is partly the reason for my sadness and heartache, it would have hurt him, or even upset him.

I wish he'd understand that I'm still healing from what happened to us in December.  I know I've been real vague in my posts about what happened.  I did get his "consent" to share whatever I wanted to about the situation.  But I really don't feel like he meant it.  I think he just said I could share if I wanted to because he knew that's what I wanted to hear from him.  And also, it's a topic that is so extremely controversial that I just don't feel strong enough to be judged on it, or to feel I have to defend myself to others, or to, on top of everything else, wonder who's thinking what about where I stand... It shouldn't be complicated, I know.  It's my blog and I can speak my mind, I know.  But still, it's just the way I am.  I over analyze just about everything in my life.  Well, lately, it's been from one side of the fence to the other.  Right when I think we are really moving forward, I find something else out.  I still feel like I'm being lied to.  I still don't trust him the way I once did.  I love him beyond words can express and I'm working hard every single day to be love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).  But not trusting him the same way causes me to hurt in so many unfamiliar ways --and it makes me question everything.

I wish he'd also understand that my health and physical limitations aren't planned and are out of my control.  One moment he'll be completely helpful, caring, and understanding (taking great care of me and making me feel better about the number of "oh"s and "ow"s I make in a day.) and then it feels as though the very next minute he will be frustrated and irritated with me (even pouty, giving me the silent treatment) when I opt out of activities or outings because of how I feel.

So, even though I know I'm not wrong for feeling the way I have felt all day, I am here, awake, at five in the morning dealing with all my thoughts and emotions —alone.  And yet, I somehow still I feel bad for him!?  It's because he did try to make things better for me, the best way he knows how, buying me little surprises from the store when he was out.  He even bought stuff to bbq and have a little family (the three of us) outing in the backyard —fence lights and all (when the fence lights get turned on, it always makes it a "fun night out" for the family).  When I told him that I wasn't up for it, he acted like I changed my mind and just left him hanging.  I reminded him that I was up-front with him about how I was doing and that it was his idea, not mine, and that I never said "sure!".  He actually got upset...  It hurts me when things like this happen because I know how I would react and it's nothing like the way he reacts.  He actually put everything away and didn't even carry on without me for KJ's sake! :(  That's what makes me really really sad.  I feel as though KJ misses out on doing things with her daddy just because mommy doesn't feel up to joining.  I, on the other hand, would have carried on without him and walked a plate upstairs for him, so he could still have dinner -no matter his mood-, while KJ and I enjoy a fun night in the backyard.

I'm so confused.  How does everything always seem to turn around to be my fault?  I should be allowed to have my days, my moments, where I don't have to slap on a smile and pull the weight for everyone to have a happy night.  All the things I thought were changing and being worked on since December seem to just be slipping away and I just don't know what to think of it right now.

Please pray for strength and understanding in our marriage.  We really have come a long way --but there is much more to go.

Now that it's almost sunrise, I really should try to rest my mind and get some sleep...

*1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
(English Standard Version)
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (ESV)

April 21, 2012

Running in place

I'm tired. I'm exhausted... I need motivation inspiration.  I need to stop with the pity party already. Whaaa to my health and physical limitations. Whaaa to only being 29 but feeling 40 years older.  The pain is overwhelming and I can't just stop everything.  I have to push through and it sure is tough most of the time.  But I'm at the point of feeling blue way too often.  I need to figure out a way to get out of this funk.

I want to LIVE.  I want to have JOY.  I want to LOVE with all that I am.  I want to be a blessing to those around me.  I've been brainstorming on finding a fun hobby or finding somewhere to volunteer.  Something I can do when I feel blue.  Something to keep me from feeling blue.  Normally I just lay around, in pain, waiting for meds to kick in (when, 80% of the time, they seem to never fully kick in).  I'm considering running again.  I miss it so very much.  I'm very concerned with what it might do to my back situation --but I'm willing to give it a try again and just push through it as much as I can.  I'm going to visit Tri-sition to get fitted for the correct type of running shoe, to try and prevent injuring my shins again.

If I don't end up running for whatever reason, I'm considering getting into gardening.  I get excited at the thought of working on our lawn and making the grass green and keeping the flower beds cleaned out and beautiful.  I'm not sure which will be better for my back —bending over and kneeling for yard work, or causing more strain on my lower spine from the impact of running.

I will be meeting with a neurosurgeon on Monday, 4/23.  I will find out if I need surgery or what other options I have to getting my mobility back.  After this appointment, I'm guessing I will be able to determine what will be a better hobby (however, if I need surgery, neither will be an option; I'll be back to knitting or something).

I need a change . . . a make-over in my personal life.

April 5, 2012

Today is the day...

Today, I will not be sharing the "I'M PREGNANT!" news.

I received my 25 wonderful little pouches of hpts. I immediately used one. Of course, by now, my mind can be very convincing and see a faint line on just about any test. So, I'm forcing myself to stay calm and level headed until I actually see some kind of PINK line -not a shadow, not a fuzz, etc.

I'm sad. I wish it would have shown up positive today. I know I'm testing SUPER early -I'm just super anxious because of allllll that my body has gone through in the last few days. But I also know that all, except two, are my normal daily symptoms (from meds, endo, and hormones). So, I'm still hopeful and super anxious.

I'm currently packing (well, supposed to be! lol I'm taking a little break) for our first *out of state* family vacation! This will be KJ's first time to fly on a plane. She's been talking (and asking) about flying on a plane since Chris and I went to Vegas in 2007. Chris and I havent even taken an out of state trip since 2008. Im ready to have some fun as a family -flying on a plane together and making great memories! We are going to Disney World (Originally we thought to go as a family for our 10th anniversary, this July, since we honeymooned there. But then we remembered how HOT it was in July 2002 --we very quickly changed our travel dates to spring time.) and the most exciting thing about this is that she has NO IDEA yet. It's a big surprise that we are going to reveal to her on Saturday morning when we wake her up. :D All she knows is that we are traveling to Austin to visit Auntie and her cousins; little does she know that we are going to fly to Florida the next morning. Im SO excited!! Chris will be streaming "the big reveal" live; if you're interested in watching, it will be on Ustream and just do a search for mrcmayfield. It will be sometime around 7:30am-8:00am (central time). Hopefully she has the excited reaction we are all hoping for. Lol. Knowing KJ, as different and surprising as she is, she could be the one child to have the opposite reaction! LOL

So, today was not the day of my long awaited BFP. Today is the day I pack and focus on our exciting vacation we have planned!

Happy Thursday everyone!