February 27, 2012

Blogging For Endometriosis Awareness

Today, I found several great new blogs about endo, fighting a chronic illness, dealing with infertility, etc. I also got encouraged (and excited) reading an overwhelming amount of "Endo Awareness" info. I look forward to the month of March, for Endo Awareness, every year. There's just a "you're not alone" feeling I get when I read about other Endo Warriors... I'm ready for March!

I will be participating, sportin' the yellow! Will you? Click on the photo above for more details on Blogging for Endo.

Sinking. Fighting. Losing My Grip...

I don't know what is going on right now. It feels as though I am asleep in this distant world, dreaming, watching my life pass me by. I've been so medicated lately . . . lost in a fog. I've also been struggling lately --with a lot. It's put me in a major funk! It's not easy opening up. Although, I do choose to be a transparent blogger, for the most part.

**Heads up: I'm about to get real. Might even sound like a Debbie Downer to some. Just know, Life does Happen and this is my life right now --the good, the bad, and the ugly.**

I've been struggling with life, all of it. My health:
•Trying to recover from my back "malfunctions". I'll be going, on March 2nd, for my second round of injections to my lower spine and surrounding nerves.
•Fighting my way through infertility. I'm not sure what the next step is. We've made it through three and a half years now and it's been eotionally draining. IUI? Adopt? Foster? Take another break? Stop all together??
•Fighting my way through endometriosis and pcos. It's drained me emotionally, mentally, and physically right now. I wish there was a cure. I wish there was a remedy. I even just wish for a medicine that would actually work!

My personal life:
•Trying to mend and heal my heart and marriage. Thank God that we are now where we are. Somehow I was misled. I was under the impression that the longer you are married, the less complicated it would get. Maybe that is meant more for 25+ years of marriage, or even 50+ years? —not our nine and a half years of marriage? Nine and a half years may not be enough years to gurantee honesty, trust, communication, respect, and all the other core values of a strong marriage; but it's sure enough years to cause a hurt so deep, it feels as though it rips the flesh right off of you, shatters your heart and scatters all the pieces so far out of reach... and even then, God never fails. [God's] Love never fails.
•Trying to hold on to love -because most days I am in love and know exactly how blessed I am. I'm just hoping, one day real soon, I won't have to work so hard at reminding myself of those positive facts.
•Trying to figure out my child -is she so gifted that I don't understand what she needs just yet? Or am I in denial and something is just a little different and, again, I don't really understand what she needs right now. She's so smart and she amazes me everyday. Yet, those meltdowns and tantrums, though they aren't as frequent, really make me wonder how normal they really are for a 7 year old.
•Life in general: down to the simple concept of just "living". Is it enough to just wake up and "make it through the day" --because that's all I feel I have left right now. Wether it's because of my medication or my hidden emotions...I'll keep fighting. I know I will. But some days are just really questionable. I've been questioning so much. I don't think I've ever experienced this as an adult. It's been 10 years since I last struggled with some of these thoughts. I'm doing all that I know to fight fight fight ... and I'm pretty sure I should seek professional help. But I seem to just laugh, quietly, at the thought of sitting in a strange place talking about my deepest, darkest, most personal thoughts and emotions with a total stranger. A stranger that I would hope to never ever bump into around town. A stranger who might not truly understand me. A stranger who, more than likely, does not have my best interest in mind --it might be just another session...just another paycheck. That's wrong of me, right? I mean, I'm sure it's really wrong of me to put everyone into one category. BUT...it's how I feel. It's why I have felt so alone. I don't know how to trust anyone with my life. I don't know how to seek help.

I pray. I wait queitly, waiting to feel God's love take over. I wait to know that He is guiding my next step -whatever that step may be. But something just isn't right. I've never felt this way as a mother...as a wife. How can I focus on myself for the proper healing to take place when my whole life revolves around my daughter and husband? From the moment I wake up, it feels like go-go-go. That momentum keeps me going keeps me happy, keeps me busy and able to enjoy my day. And then when the work day is over, when the school day is over, when it gets quiet... it starts seeping through the cracks and that's when I don't know what else to do. It's not all about me. It can't be all about me. I have a family now...

I'm pretty sure this may be raising a few eyebrows, causing a few gasps and "oh my!"s. This may even be causing some "Oh please. Get over it" remarks —because you've been through worse, which I don't doubt you one bit. I understand. But maybe there are those of you who get it... who truly understand. I need your support. If you know me for me then you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am still the loving optimist. I am also someone who breaks every now and then and needs an outlet, which happens to be blogging. I am someone who will pull through because I fully believe that God will not give me more than I can handle and I know that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". I just happen to be in a place where it's been quite a bit more challenging to live out what I know deeeeep down in my heart.

So, for those of you who have already been praying me through this heavy storm, with all my heart I Thank You. And if this is news to you... will you please help by saying a prayer any time you might think of me and/or my family? I would truly appreciate it.


February 14, 2012

Oh, how I love these people

I used to get all excited to celebrate Valentine's day. This year...I was excited. All up until about 5pm today. I had planned a nice fettucini Alfredo, with shrimp, and garlic bread dinner for my loves but I had just wrapped up a full work day...and some serious laundry that I tackled in between schooling and working. And a nice dinner meant I had to clean up first. And I still had to make Choco-berries for my loves (and clean up the evidence before Chris got home). I also had last minute things to do for Chris' gift (a written poem, framed, Choco-berries, and a very special vday card I made). It just hit me ---there's so much work just to have a "nice" evening?! How does that make sense?

So, I called Chris to see if he could pick up dinner (so that my gift to myself would be REST) but that didn't work out. After about 45+ mins of brainstorming on food choices, I got fed up with time passing, when all I wanted to do was spend time with my loves (one was having melt-down after melt-down and the other was out driving around trying to figure out what to pick up for dinner). I told him to just get home and that I would just suck it up and cook.

I made sure to work on my mood and attitude, to make the best of the situation (situation being: I'm tired, my body needs rest, and it's taking a whole LOT of energy for me to keep going at this point). I focused on the positive and whipped up a nice fettucini Alfredo, with shrimp, and garlic bread dinner. I happily gave out gifts, sat and ate, and watched some of the "family" movie we picked out for tonight. Then it took everything I had to get up again and clean everything up -again.

My feet feel like the bones are going to pierce right through the skin. My back actually started hurting again (had been pain free only yesterday and today, since October!) and my eyes were struggling to stay open. But now as I lay here, while everyone else is asleep and resting (I'm waiting for my pain meds to kick in -for my back and endo), I am so happy that God helped me push through all the negative to be able to enjoy some family time...I am blessed to have these two in my life!

So it turned out to be a very nice Valentine's day. All the "work" I complained about was definitely worth it! :)

Anyone else feel like sometimes it's hard to want to "celebrate" when it means more work for you??

Happy Valentine's day.
Good night.

February 11, 2012

The Unconscious-Conscious Me

Yesterday, I went in for my procedure, lumbar epidural steroid injections. If you've read about my past procedures, you already know how I always fight as hard as possible to remember what I can before I'm "gone" in la-la land. Well, yesterday wasn't any different. As soon as they fed my Iv with the "happy juice", I remember feeling a bit nauseated. But also thinking, why hasn't it kicked in yet?! About two minutes later, I remember hoping I wouldn't tumble off the bed head first! Lol.

Once I had been rolled into the procedure room, I was shocked that they asked me, "you think you can roll over onto this bed for me?". I was a bit irritated and wanting to really speak my mind: "excuse me? You know I'm here because I can barely move, right? You should be aware by now that I have some serious mobility issues with my back. That IS why I'm here! And you go and start my sedation and THEN you ask me to move from one bed to the next??! You couldn't have asked me before making my head feel like it was just gonna roll right off? ...or better yet, you can have the common courtesy to assist me, roll me, or just push me right over. But no! You're just gonna stand there and ask me to move my completely off-balanced self right over --and you're just gonna watch me?! Really. Oh well, if I fall head first, I probably won't even care or feel anything...what the heck; here I go!"

Then I remember them positioning my arms and helping me get comfortable. I remember saying something dorky like, "oh, look! It's like if I'm getting a massage!" since I have to be face down, the head/face rest is similar to a massage table. I remember they just chuckled [the kind that shows they have either heard it a thousand times or the kind of chuckle that you give when something isn't funny but you don't want to be rude] and said, "yeah!". I got comfortable...reeeeeal comfortable.

I remember hearing the anesthesiologist tell me that he was going to put me to sleep and monitor me the entire time and for me to just relax and take a deep breath.

Before being wheeled in, I did ask my doctor if I would feel any pain; I was super nervous. His response was not as comforting as I had hoped for. He said, "well...see, if we put you in a deep sleep you won't remember what you feel." and unfortunately, I was in the prep room right next to the procedure room so I was able to hear other patients as they went in and came out. I heard loud drawn out "owwww" and moans and groans. And then as they were being wheeled out I also got to hear the sedated giggles of loopy-ness and funny remarks. so I was pretty nervous about feeling pain or crying out from pain during the procedure.

So, I was comfortable and out. But then I do remember cringing and saying "ow" a few times. I DO remember feeling the sting as the numbing medicine was being injected into my back. I have gone through that pain without sedation before and I have handled it well; but with yesterday's procedure, since it was going straight into my spine, I was nervous about moving during the procedure and then becoming paralyzed!! *yes. Extreme. I know --but valid!*

During my cringing, I felt a hand holding my shoulders as still as possible and a voice saying, "it's almost over. Your doing great..." and then I remember waking up on my back feeling really sore. When I realized The procedure was over, I quickly moved my toes and legs and thanked God that I could still move them!

It seemed like a tiny nap. I think Chris said it was about 45 mins or so. I fought real hard to wake up quickly. I absolutely hate laying alone in that sedated state. The first words I remember mumbling out were, "Im thirsty." after finishing my cup in three gulps, I asked for more. I was told I could go back to sleep and I remember mumbling out "no, I'm good". Then she asked if I'd like to go home or rest some more and I immediately, as clearly as possible, said, "go home please!".

I love the feeling of seeing my love right after I wake up from a procedure. It's just so comforting!!

Chris helped me get dressed and I very very carefully tried to follow along as the nurse read the discharge instructions.

Chris does a fantastic job of pampering (spoiling) me after a procedure. We stopped to pick up chickfila, i hadn't eaten in about 15 hrs -so I wanted to order everything!! Lol and then I was craving ice cream (a rare thing since I don't tolerate dairy all too well) so he also stopped at mcdonalds :) I was a very happy happy gal, enjoying my ice cream cone on the way home --still really out of it.

I wasn't allowed to walk any stairs yesterday; Chris did a wonderful job making me nice and comfy downstairs. He brought down everything I needed, including our queen-size mattress!! He made meatballs with corn, mashed potatoes gravy, and cranberry sauce for dinner. And on top of all that, he even went out and bought my favorite "comfort foods": gardetto's, cookies n cream ice cream and a couple of glazed donuts. :) (horrible junk food, I know --but it made me so happy!! Hahaha).

I'm still resting as much as possible today. I'm anxiously waiting to see what the results of this procedure will be. So far so good (except for the nerve pain, on the backside of my left leg, and the ice-cold numbing sensation it causes). I know I need to give it a few days before I can really know what the results are.

Kj will be back home later today. I'm really looking forward to some cozy family time this evening! :) I'm staying optimistic. Bed rest, knitting, and movies aren't such a bad thing right now anyway ;).

Thank you for all the well wishes and prayers!

February 7, 2012


Endo has not been very kind to me lately. Not to mention the hormone roller coaster my body is screaming to be done with: nausea, hot/cold flashes, sore badabing-badabooms, insomnia, mood swings. You'd think I'm pregnant, right? Well, people, don't get it confused with the wonderful side effects of endo and pcos. I never know what's what --all of it seems the same when it's messing with hormones.

I've decided to get back on Metformin. I started back up today. I can't handle the changes without it. Obviously my body has a better balance with it. So, why change what works, right??!

Here's to still staying hopeful...

February 1, 2012

Life feels like a big bowl of anchovies (just plain nasty!)

A pain in my shins (has returned to both legs again because of the lack of being able to use my back properly). A pain in my back (I just can't wait until the 10th!!). A pain in my abdomen/insides (stupid endometriosis is triggered very easily right now since I try to use any other muscle besides my back --when moving around, etc). And lastly the big pain in my butt -LOL (relationship, mommy-hood, and life issues).

I'm in so much pain. I need help. My pain meds don't do a darn thing for any of my pains right now. I need something to help me get through my busy **homeschooling, baby-caring, annoying but cute doggie 'do list', housekeeping (to the best of my caring abilities), never ending mouth feeding, nose cleaning, sanitize everything (and when I'm all done, start all over again), bill-paying, boo-boo kissing** kind of day! --all while running on horrible tossing-and-turning-hot-flashed-filled [non-existent thing they call] "sleep" Phew! By the time schooling is over, I still have anywhere from 6-8 more hours before I get to really take care of me. I'm not complaining --just stating some facts here. that's a whopping 15 hour work day --on my "early" days, not including the late night "mommy" duties that come along with my wonderful life (that wasn't sarcasm; I promise. I really do love being a mom!). I just need to figure out a better system, plan, or way of communicating when I'm down and needing recovery time. Because I'm just a full-blown grumpy pants when I'm in this much pain and I feel like I'm tearing down everything that we've worked so hard to build up... :(

Thank you Blogger, for giving me a quiet place to vent.

Good night.
((waiting for my Norco and Lyrica to kick in so I can have some decent sleep --to start all over again at 6am))