Stepping into the unknown

Friday, July 6, 2012, also our tenth wedding anniversary, was our very first Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) appointment.  I had absolutely NO idea what to expect.  I knew that we would go over my history (endometriosis, pcos, infertility/ttc, and family history) but I had NO idea that our doctor, Dr. Browne, would be so attentive and reassuring.  At first, we sat down and she went over my history and asked us a ton of questions.  Then we got a chance to ask questions.  Right before she started her power point presentation (explaining the entire process, including options for my age and history), she asked what our primary goal was —to treat endometriosis or to try to conceive.  That was  a really tough question because I know that there aren't any guarantees with either of those choices.  I explained to her how we hadn't seen a specialist all these years because we assumed, from what we had read and heard from others' stories, that it was too expensive.  So, I told her that I think focusing on endo would be best for now.  I also told her that, as strange as it feels to say this, if there was some kind of treatment we could get that wasn't too overwhelming, financially, that we would jump right in.  And then our main goal would be trying to conceive, not endo.  Then she started going through the slide show, explaining everything in detail...

Here's the overall summary:

• I will need a fourth surgery.  She will "explore" my other organs and bowel for endometriosis.  She will not remove any endo that is too deep or that is on any organs, other than the reproductive organs.  I will have to be referred to a surgeon, if she finds that the endo is too deep or that it has spread to other organs.  
• Dr. B agrees with my o.b. —that if we want more children that we shouldn't take any breaks right now. (because of my history of not ovulating for 44 months, even with the 8, or so, rounds of clomid).
• And because of my history of NOT ovulating , even with hormone assistance, she feels that repeating hormone treatments, alone, won't be beneficial to us at this point. 
• She explained how the staff is a huge support team for us and that there are two counselors available.  At this point of the presentation, I just couldn't hold back the tears.  All this time I have felt alone in this ttc journey.  I have read others' ttc journeys and in reading and connecting with others, I have stayed encouraged knowing that it's not just me (not that I wish this for anyone, ever!) —but it's a very lonely journey.  It was so reassuring to know that they have, more than likely, seen it all --from out of control crying, from frustration and sadness, to depression, anger, and complete hormonal craziness.
• We found out that our insurance covers enough 'fertility services' that we won't have to pay out pocket for a while! Praise God!  If I would have known that we have such "great", "amazing", insurance (according to the doctor and some staff), we would have seen a specialist a whole lot sooner.  But at least we know now and it makes this journey a bit less stressful.
• I will go in on Day 3 to get labs done -testing the eggs remaining in my ovaries.  Here's some info I found on Day 3 blood work: http://www.advancedfertility.com/ovarian-reserve.htm
• Chris will have his 'little swimmers' tested tomorrow and it will help us, along with my day 3 results, determine a plan for us.
• Dr. B. recommends we consider IVF so we can have a better chance of conceiving sooner so that we can then focus on managing my endo.  (makes a lot of sense but I just never thought we would go through IVF.  I mean, I don't think there is anything wrong with it, in any way.  It's just that when I always thought of my life, I did NOT, in any way, think that this would be our story.  There's just a lot of thoughts and emotions that I've been working through since Friday.)
• The ultrasound showed that my uterus and its lining is "beautiful" (according to Dr. B.) and that my left ovary has 6 follicles and my right has 12.  The doc said they want to see at least 10 or more on each ovary.  *so at least there's one good ovary!  Now let's hope it does its job. 

So, today, I am only on Day 12.  I have about 3 more weeks to wait before I can go for my Day 3 blood work.  I'm still really really hoping and praying for a miracle to happen, that we conceive all on our own before then! :D  It's awesome that we have finally taken the first steps to trying to conceive with with the help of a specialist —but it would still feel AMAZING to be able to call the RE and tell her that I'm pregnant...

This whole "IVF" idea makes me feel weird.  It kind of feels like I'm rushing into it or something.  Chris says I shouldn't feel this way since it's been 44 months, going on 45, of trying to conceive and not a single positive pregnancy test.  I know we've been trying for, what seems like, a very long time.  I guess I just really really really wanted it to happen as naturally as possible.  And to me, IVF just makes me feel like we are paying for a baby or something (although, that's what we thought of when we looked into adoption too).  It especially felt that way when we were told about the "IVF packages" that they offer —one including genetic testing, where you can even choose the gender of your baby!!  That's crazy!  I had NO idea!!  —and I feel like I'm the only one that feels this way.  My mom and Chris both think I'm looking at this the wrong way... I feel ready, in the sense that, this has been a long enough journey and now it seems like the right time to move forward (especially since our insurance covers some of the costs).  Chris is super anxious!  He says he wishes we could get started already.  haha.  I keep telling him that he needs to do some research and get a better understanding of what we are going to go through if we go with IVF treatments... he has no idea what kind of "crazy" hormones he will have to deal with and care for.  lol  and I've only read and followed other IVF journeys.  I don't personally know a single person that's gone through it.  So, even I don't really know what to expect —other than I have to be ready and willing to push through the "crazy"...and not give up! 

It's been a lot to think about.  It's been a lot to process.  I'll just have to wait and see what the next three weeks bring.  And if I don't get a BFP (big fat positive), then I'll have to wait for my day 3 test results —that will be the real deal, to determine if we can even go through with IVF.

This will definitely be an interesting journey... and I plan on continuing to blog along the way.
Thanks for reading and thanks for your support!

Chris walked out with a gift bag (his "specimen" test kit).  We joked saying it was the most memorable anniversary gift!! (since it was also our 10th anniversary)

A New Milestone

Well, this is it. The big ONE-ZERO. We've been married for 10 years. What does 10 years mean? Unconditional Love, communication, tears, joy, laughter, Respect, heartache, commitment, compromise, great memories (and some not so great memories), lots and lots of change...but most of all Prayer, Faith, and Seeking God through every single moment. "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." --let's continue this journey, babe.

I look forward to reading our vows for the tenth time and pray to continue reading them for another 70 years! I love you ...and still, "I Do".

Today is the day...

Today, I will not be sharing the "I'M PREGNANT!" news.

I received my 25 wonderful little pouches of hpts. I immediately used one. Of course, by now, my mind can be very convincing and see a faint line on just about any test. So, I'm forcing myself to stay calm and level headed until I actually see some kind of PINK line -not a shadow, not a fuzz, etc.

I'm sad. I wish it would have shown up positive today. I know I'm testing SUPER early -I'm just super anxious because of allllll that my body has gone through in the last few days. But I also know that all, except two, are my normal daily symptoms (from meds, endo, and hormones). So, I'm still hopeful and super anxious.

I'm currently packing (well, supposed to be! lol I'm taking a little break) for our first *out of state* family vacation! This will be KJ's first time to fly on a plane. She's been talking (and asking) about flying on a plane since Chris and I went to Vegas in 2007. Chris and I havent even taken an out of state trip since 2008. Im ready to have some fun as a family -flying on a plane together and making great memories! We are going to Disney World (Originally we thought to go as a family for our 10th anniversary, this July, since we honeymooned there. But then we remembered how HOT it was in July 2002 --we very quickly changed our travel dates to spring time.) and the most exciting thing about this is that she has NO IDEA yet. It's a big surprise that we are going to reveal to her on Saturday morning when we wake her up. :D All she knows is that we are traveling to Austin to visit Auntie and her cousins; little does she know that we are going to fly to Florida the next morning. Im SO excited!! Chris will be streaming "the big reveal" live; if you're interested in watching, it will be on Ustream and just do a search for mrcmayfield. It will be sometime around 7:30am-8:00am (central time). Hopefully she has the excited reaction we are all hoping for. Lol. Knowing KJ, as different and surprising as she is, she could be the one child to have the opposite reaction! LOL

So, today was not the day of my long awaited BFP. Today is the day I pack and focus on our exciting vacation we have planned!

Happy Thursday everyone!

endo, endo, go away! —don't come back another day. (hpt #4)

I'm sitting up in bed, waiting for the Lortab to take over...  I only took half.  I hadn't needed any pain meds since January 15th (give or take a day or two) —since I started on Lupron .  However, I've been off of Lupron, by choice, while we ttc, since mid April.  Everything had been going really well, until . . . two nights, or so ago, the endo pains got so horrible that I actually gave in to the pain meds again. :(  (I only took half, since I had been off of them for so long and it worked within 30 mins or so.)

I started to notice the endo symptoms returning about a week and a half ago.  Normally it doesn't take long at all before it gets miserably out of control.  :(  (in the past, from the time that the pains would start daily, it would only take about two weeks until the pain was present 24/7 even with pain meds —until I would hear the words from my doc, "I'll schedule you for surgery...".  This happened 3 times in a year and a half.

I'm praying for a miracle this time around.  I want to continue ttc (trying to conceive).  I want to NOT need Lupron.  I want to NOT need another surgery.  I want to do my regular activities and NOT end up temporarily crippled from endo pain.  I want to go on feeling this "normal" feeling I had been feeling up until a week and a half ago.  I could sneeze and not feel any pain.  I could lift my daughter and not feel any pain.  I could get up from sitting and not feel pain.  I was LIVING without pain.

I told Chris, last night, "well, it was amazing while it lasted.  At least I was able to experience 5 WHOLE months of being pain free..." (almost two months was while I was off Lupron treatmenst!).  I don't miss Lortab and the side affects that come along with taking it.  I don't want to end ttc because of endo!  The thought alone makes me want to cry.

Speaking of "cry".  I cried this morning.  I took HPT (home pregnancy test) #4 and it was another big fat negative.  :(  It really had my hopes up though.  Normally it absorbs super quickly and evenly.  This morning, it absorbed at the speed of a snail AND the color streaked/dragged across the strip and I had my hopes up that it was going to leave the first 'mark' at the 'positive' side.  Instead, it just creeped its way allllllll the way past the positive, straight to the negative line.  I waited the full ten minutes, as the instructions clearly state.  However, at the ten minutes, any hope for that first pink line (the "positive" line) was gone —it was bone-white.

I crawled back into bed, snuggled with Chris, and cried in his arms.  It's the first time, since trying, in 2010, that I allowed myself to cry (that I allowed myself to feel anything...).  I told him "I'm so sad, hun."  He said "I'm sorry, honey." and he just held me.  I couldn't have asked for a better response/reaction from him.  I sobbed, prayed, and did my best to put my heart back in God's hands (along with my hopes, dreams, and deepest desires).  It made today really tough for me.  I cried for a lot of silly little things, including passing up the baby section at Walmart tonight...

So, if you will please, keep my in prayer.  It seems to be a tad bit harder to keep my focus on staying positive —no matter the outcome, the fact that I believe, from the bottom of my heart, with all that I am, that God's plan for me is much, much, greater than I could ever imagine. —wether I remain a 'mother of one' or whether I am blessed beyond belief to be a 'mother of two'...



On a much positive note:  We have really enjoyed Chris's vacation time!!  (pics coming soon)  He goes back to work tomorrow and we are just so thankful to have had 10 days to spend together.  :)  We are so blessed to be celebrating 8 years of marriage!! (technically 'today', since I'm typing this after midnight, 7/6/10)

July 6, 2002

  

8 years later

Thank you for reading!  (and your support, kind words, and prayers)
Michelle

Vegas Update

just wanted to update:
We are currently waiting to board the connecting flight to Vegas.  Right now we are sitting in Phoenix, airport -it is 114 degrees!!  Crazy!!  lol.  So, here, it's 5:05pm and we will take off at 5:30pm . . . Oh, we can't wait to get to Vegas!!

We'll post updates when we have down time.  We should arrive in Vegas at approx. 6:30 pm (Nevada time).
adios!