July 28, 2012

If only I knew the future

Today was *officially* CD28, 13dpo.  I have been following the calendar and all of my 'charting signs', the best that I know how, waiting for this day.  I don't have any of my regular cycle symptoms.  That could be great news —maybe I'm finally pregnant.  And that could be bad news —my cycle might have gone on vacation and my ovaries have fallen into a deeeeep sleep again.  I have two completely different paths that I'm anxious to take: if I'm pregnant, well, we've been wanting this since 2007.  If I'm not pregnant, then I need Day3 to get here as soon as it possibly can because that is when I go for the blood work that tells me how my ovaries are working, if I have any eggs (hopefully I DO!), and all the other details to determine if we can start IVF...

My thoughts speed through my head 100wpm.  I need some answers.  I need a plan.  I need something to focus my mind on.  yes, yes, I know, "focus on God".  Trust me, I've been doing that all these years —how else do you think I have even made it this far.  :)

So, 13dpo gave me a negative hpt.

Let's see what tomorrow brings...

July 11, 2012

Stepping into the unknown

Friday, July 6, 2012, also our tenth wedding anniversary, was our very first Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) appointment.  I had absolutely NO idea what to expect.  I knew that we would go over my history (endometriosis, pcos, infertility/ttc, and family history) but I had NO idea that our doctor, Dr. Browne, would be so attentive and reassuring.  At first, we sat down and she went over my history and asked us a ton of questions.  Then we got a chance to ask questions.  Right before she started her power point presentation (explaining the entire process, including options for my age and history), she asked what our primary goal was —to treat endometriosis or to try to conceive.  That was  a really tough question because I know that there aren't any guarantees with either of those choices.  I explained to her how we hadn't seen a specialist all these years because we assumed, from what we had read and heard from others' stories, that it was too expensive.  So, I told her that I think focusing on endo would be best for now.  I also told her that, as strange as it feels to say this, if there was some kind of treatment we could get that wasn't too overwhelming, financially, that we would jump right in.  And then our main goal would be trying to conceive, not endo.  Then she started going through the slide show, explaining everything in detail...

Here's the overall summary:
  • I will need a fourth surgery.  She will "explore" my other organs and bowel for endometriosis.  She will not remove any endo that is too deep or that is on any organs, other than the reproductive organs.  I will have to be referred to a surgeon, if she finds that the endo is too deep or that it has spread to other organs.  
  • Dr. B agrees with my o.b. —that if we want more children that we shouldn't take any breaks right now. (because of my history of not ovulating for 44 months, even with the 8, or so, rounds of clomid).
  • And because of my history of NOT ovulating , even with hormone assistance, she feels that repeating hormone treatments, alone, won't be beneficial to us at this point. 
  • She explained how the staff is a huge support team for us and that there are two counselors available.  At this point of the presentation, I just couldn't hold back the tears.  All this time I have felt alone in this ttc journey.  I have read others' ttc journeys and in reading and connecting with others, I have stayed encouraged knowing that it's not just me (not that I wish this for anyone, ever!) —but it's a very lonely journey.  It was so reassuring to know that they have, more than likely, seen it all --from out of control crying, from frustration and sadness, to depression, anger, and complete hormonal craziness.
  • We found out that our insurance covers enough 'fertility services' that we won't have to pay out pocket for a while! Praise God!  If I would have known that we have such "great", "amazing", insurance (according to the doctor and some staff), we would have seen a specialist a whole lot sooner.  But at least we know now and it makes this journey a bit less stressful.
  • I will go in on Day 3 to get labs done -testing the eggs remaining in my ovaries.  Here's some info I found on Day 3 blood work: http://www.advancedfertility.com/ovarian-reserve.htm
  • Chris will have his 'little swimmers' tested tomorrow and it will help us, along with my day 3 results, determine a plan for us.
  • Dr. B. recommends we consider IVF so we can have a better chance of conceiving sooner so that we can then focus on managing my endo.  (makes a lot of sense but I just never thought we would go through IVF.  I mean, I don't think there is anything wrong with it, in any way.  It's just that when I always thought of my life, I did NOT, in any way, think that this would be our story.  There's just a lot of thoughts and emotions that I've been working through since Friday.)
  • The ultrasound showed that my uterus and its lining is "beautiful" (according to Dr. B.) and that my left ovary has 6 follicles and my right has 12.  The doc said they want to see at least 10 or more on each ovary.  *so at least there's one good ovary!  Now let's hope it does its job. 
So, today, I am only on Day 12.  I have about 3 more weeks to wait before I can go for my Day 3 blood work.  I'm still really really hoping and praying for a miracle to happen, that we conceive all on our own before then! :D  It's awesome that we have finally taken the first steps to trying to conceive with with the help of a specialist —but it would still feel AMAZING to be able to call the RE and tell her that I'm pregnant...

This whole "IVF" idea makes me feel weird.  It kind of feels like I'm rushing into it or something.  Chris says I shouldn't feel this way since it's been 44 months, going on 45, of trying to conceive and not a single positive pregnancy test.  I know we've been trying for, what seems like, a very long time.  I guess I just really really really wanted it to happen as naturally as possible.  And to me, IVF just makes me feel like we are paying for a baby or something (although, that's what we thought of when we looked into adoption too).  It especially felt that way when we were told about the "IVF packages" that they offer —one including genetic testing, where you can even choose the gender of your baby!!  That's crazy!  I had NO idea!!  —and I feel like I'm the only one that feels this way.  My mom and Chris both think I'm looking at this the wrong way... I feel ready, in the sense that, this has been a long enough journey and now it seems like the right time to move forward (especially since our insurance covers some of the costs).  Chris is super anxious!  He says he wishes we could get started already.  haha.  I keep telling him that he needs to do some research and get a better understanding of what we are going to go through if we go with IVF treatments... he has no idea what kind of "crazy" hormones he will have to deal with and care for.  lol  and I've only read and followed other IVF journeys.  I don't personally know a single person that's gone through it.  So, even I don't really know what to expect —other than I have to be ready and willing to push through the "crazy"...and not give up! 

It's been a lot to think about.  It's been a lot to process.  I'll just have to wait and see what the next three weeks bring.  And if I don't get a BFP (big fat positive), then I'll have to wait for my day 3 test results —that will be the real deal, to determine if we can even go through with IVF.

This will definitely be an interesting journey... and I plan on continuing to blog along the way.
Thanks for reading and thanks for your support!

Chris walked out with a gift bag (his "specimen" test kit).  We joked saying it was the most memorable anniversary gift!! (since it was also our 10th anniversary)

July 6, 2012

A New Milestone

Well, this is it. The big ONE-ZERO. We've been married for 10 years. What does 10 years mean? Unconditional Love, communication, tears, joy, laughter, Respect, heartache, commitment, compromise, great memories (and some not so great memories), lots and lots of change...but most of all Prayer, Faith, and Seeking God through every single moment. "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." --let's continue this journey, babe.

I look forward to reading our vows for the tenth time and pray to continue reading them for another 70 years! I love you ...and still, "I Do".

July 4, 2012


"You know, when I grow up and buy a car, I'm going to buy a truck and my husband will be driving while I ride in the back."
(cause we drove past a truck with a group of adults riding in the back -enjoying the wind.)


I had, what I thought would be, the last "ttc" doctor visit with my gyno on Tuesday. I had [hesitantly] made up my mind to get an IUD again and get back on Lupron again. I've been having way too much pain and misery with my endo. I just didn't feel I could tolerate it much longer.

So after I shed some tears and came to terms with a new chapter ahead, I went to my appointment and found out that my insurance didn't cover the Mirena IUD. :( it was going to cost me $1,100.00. So that was immediately scratched off my plan. And then after talking with my doc, he helped me make the decision to finally see a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) to help find a plan to get my endo under control (i do, however, need a FOURTH surgery, he says) and then to help us continue trying to conceive.

He also, very kindly, helped me understand that if we really do want more children, that now is not the time to stop ttc. He reminded me that we've gone through quite a bit to get to this point and if we take another break, we might have to start from square one all over again. --something I really don't want to go through again.

When I left my appointment, I felt a bit confused. I thought I'd leave there with an IUD and a prescription for Lupron. Instead, I left there with a referral to an RE and a strange little feeling of hope that we actually might get pregnant this year after all...

So I have my first appointment with my RE On July 6. I'm hoping we hear something positive. I'm hoping that she really does have so much more experience with endo, the way my gyno led me to believe. I'm excited to figure out a new plan for endo and for ttc! :)

July 1, 2012

Is it really the end?

I took an hpt test this morning, hoping, absolutely hoping, that all the endo pain, cramping, and spotting was possibly due to early pregnancy signs?? Well the first test showed a very faint, shadow-like line, after the first few mins. I called Chris upstairs. My heart started racing. I asked him if he saw anything and he did see what I was seeing. But we both agreed that we wouldn't get our hopes up. We figured we should wait until we saw a bright pink line, that matched with the "test line".

Hours past and I just couldn't stop thinking about the morning test. So when I needed to tinkle again, I just couldn't resist the urge to test again. Nothing appeared. And out of nowhere, the "spotting" turned into much more. :(

I don't know what to think. Why did the first test show a faint something? I think I just desperately wanted that miracle to happen before Tuesday. Because on Friday, I called and scheduled an appointment to get an IUD again. I'll also be getting a prescription to get back on Lupron. I'm heart-broken about having to put our TTC journey on hold -again! (this time due to my endo feeling out of control and too overwhelming already) :(

Will I ever experience that special miracle again? Will KJ ever experience the joys of being a big sister? Only God knows. But I will be so very thankful for what I have been blessed with -our precious miracle, Kryssa Joyce. And KJ says that she will understand if it just doesn't happen right now. She says she'll just continue to ask God for a baby brother or sister. I know I'll need some time to heal (because a huge part of me is hurting...I just feel so broken down right now. I will probably need a ton of love and encouragement just to get through the Lupron treatments. Boy, do I remember those crazy side effects! ...but I also remember how wonderfully the Lupron worked to END my endo pain. It was well worth it (for me, at least. Chris may say differently. Haha); so I'm really praying for the same kind of results this time around.

Seasons come and go; on to the next one for me (us)...