I haven't wanted to write about this. I still don't feel ready, even now. But I feel it might help bring some kind of closure?...if that's ever even possible.
We knew that stepping into the world of fostering would not be "a piece of cake". But we knew that the joys would always seem to outweigh the challenges. This wasn't even anyone's fault -other than the differences in how the two states processed the paper work. It wasn't done in the way that we were originally led to believe. We found out at the last minute that how we thought the process would be was completely wrong. We couldn't take the next step. It wasn't the wisest choice for her or us. It's all about 'What's best for her'. And that's how it should be, of course; but it's definitely not easy. I'm sad, angry, resentful, and even a little bitter inside. How could this have happened?! Why couldn't we have found out a whole lot sooner. We knew that there was always a chance that we wouldn't be her parents long-term. It just all seemed to happen so quickly.
All her stuff is still in her room, as if she's coming home after school —like any other regular day. I keep her room door closed to help me adjust to the change. Tonight, I finally folded our huge laundry pile and I had a stack of her clothes that I quickly folded, placed on her bed, looked around for a few seconds, shut the light off, and closed the door behind me --then quickly put a smile on my face as KJ approached me with a normal question, "mommy, where did you find this necklace? I've been looking for it!". I had to show my little KJ that "everything is alright". I can't let her see my sadness . . . not yet at least.
Thankfully, she can still come "visit" with us --as long as it continues to work out for everyone (her, her family, our family, etc.) She's back with her previous family; which is really the best case scenario —she knows them, loves them, and she will be able to just continue her days as normal (going to the same school, continuing with her usual after school activities, etc.) I hope she understands. I hope she sees all the positive in the situation —How she can get the best of both worlds. It's not "goodbye" forever. Just until she visits again.
I trust God's plan for us. We had kept this whole situation in prayer from day one. I have to trust that this is His perfect plan for everyone involved. (I like to remember how my mom encouraged me through the tough decisions. This is what I got from what she said: Even if just for a short season, it was meant to be the way it turned out. The time we all had together has influenced her and her future in very special ways...) I have to stay focused on what a wonderful young lady she has become and what a beautiful future she has ahead of her. We are forever grateful to have shared a part in her life.
Here's to trusting God for a beautiful future . . .