Wide awake. This time change is kicking my butt. Seriously!
I've been online watching YouTube videos of Boyce Avenue --like it's been well over an hour now. I'm totally amazed and in love with the sound and vocal blends of these artists/musicians. And so my wheels start a-churnin'.
I have recently been presented with an amazing opportunity and I think my own fears and insecurities might be the only thing really, truly, stopping me from leaping in with both feet. What a shame, right? Let me back up a bit here...
In January, there was one night that Chris and I were listening to worship songs, live recordings on YouTube. I broke down at the sight of outstretched hands, a mass of people worshiping and opening up their hearts to God. I re-shared with Chris a vision I once had, when I was a worship leader for a local youth ministry. I was just a teen, myself, yet, I was so certain of what God had shown me. I expressed my sadness about how I feel it all went away so quickly. I questioned, out loud, in conversation, if maybe I failed to use my gifts and talents for the Lord and now he had taken them. I sat in silence briefly and then said, "Oh well, I guess God is working in me and may have other things for me to do during this season. I hope I didn't completely miss the boat... At least I had a taste of it.". And I went back to sitting and listening, and watching, in silence, my heart aching and my mind filled with questions. And then I felt God loving on me. I shared with Chris what immediately ran through my head, "Well... I'm not dead yet! (we laughed) My time's not over and I can still live out that dream and vision!..." Saying it out loud put a huge smile back on my face and I felt God's reassurance --those words were so true. God's NOT done with me yet!
That week, I began praying for new beginnings, new opportunities, and new ways to grow and stretch my faith. I prayed to grow my love for God and to take new steps as His servant. I started craving opportunities to serve again and I really focused on different ways I could live my life 'out loud' this year and 'not hold back' in these areas. I asked God to close doors that just weren't right for me (and my marriage) anymore, and open new doors --doors that I never knew existed and that would take me to new places, doing great things for the Lord.
The very next month, February, we began to see new doors opening. Yet, here I am, now in March, still trying to 'figure it all out': how can I balance ministry work and my family? How can I commit when I don't even have a reliable vehicle at the moment? How can I go back to leading worship when my memory just plain stinks right now?! (lol seriously! I have the worst memory when it comes to learning new lyrics -it's gotten worse the older I've gotten; and I'm only 31!! How sad.) Will my children be okay while I'm away? Will we miss out as a family? ... So, all these questions, and "ifs" and "buts" keep running through my mind. I know God is bigger than all my insecurities. My nerves are valid, but if it's truly His will, He will make it all work out for His glory!
I know what I want to do --I want to leap with both feet and get out there, doing great things for God, again. But facing reality is scary sometimes --the reality of raising my babies and making it all balance out just right. The reality that I will probably mess up a lot of lyrics, because it happens, I know, and life will just go on. I've never felt this way before --almost like having stage fright, which I've NEVER had. But it's strange because it's so much more than the literal meaning of being 'on stage'. It's a HUGE responsibility. But then, at the same time, it's such a humbling honor to see that God trusts me... me! --Again.
God is so amazing. So loving and forgiving. So merciful and gracious. I asked and here it is; He showed up in such a HUGE way . . . now it's time for me to either take that leap and 'live out loud', or let it pass me by, while I raise my babies, and pray another opportunity like this comes around again.