Week 31: Pineapples and "baby parts"

How far along?

31 weeks on 5/2/13

How big are the twinkies?

According to TheBump, the babies are approximately the size of

*On 4/26/13, my fundal height measured 36cm, I believe.  And then on 4/30/12, my fundal height measured 41!  Baby girl is super high again —and seems to be loving it.

How am I feeling?

Same 'ol, same 'ol... large and exhausted.  My lower abdominal muscles feel like they are barely being held together, like they are "busted". lol  It's quite painful to walk now —but I'll do what I can to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy.

I'm also feeling super grateful, still.  I recently told Chris that, in the beginning of the pregnancy, I felt 5% like I was living real life and 95% like I was lost in a dream, so grateful, "pinch me I can't believe I'm really pregnant" state of mind every single day.  Now, I feel about 45% like I'm living real life and 55% like I'm still lost in a dream, "this is real?  this is really happening?" state of mind during my "real life".  I definitely have more moments where I'm just doing my regular routine, which is now resting, drinking water, and plenty of potty breaks —but then I realize, "Oh yeah, I'm pregnant!  Wow, this actually feels normal now...".  Sad thing is, we are coming to the end of the pregnancy already.  *But I'm just now getting used to being pregnant!  lol

Weight?

+30

What do I miss?
I miss being able to put on socks and tennis shoes, and tying them, without feeling winded, like I've run a mile [or more].  I guess I'm just missing all the 'little things' I used to take for granted: showering, dressing, walking, and getting up, with ease —etc.

Symptoms?
Again, same 'ol, same 'ol... nausea and no appetite here and there.  Restless/sleepless nights.   Super heavy belly (a bit tough to move around lately).  Extremely sleep/tired during the day.  Swelling is still very mild and rarely happens.   ...aaaand new stretch marks, again.  Oh, and the "nesting" phase has definitely kicked in; but I can't actually do anything! :(

Cravings?

Cheese and pretzels.  Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  Anything chocolate: candy, baked goods, ice cream, etc.  Mmmm Chocolate!  Watermelon.  (I think I could eat it for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack time!)

Highlights of the week? 
KJ and visited the Zoo with some friends (where I actually felt like a side show for all the non-mannered zoo guests!  I can't believe the stares, sorry looks, and even comments that came my way --from ADULTS!!!  I heard several gasps, and even giggles, followed by some form of "oh my gosh, she's huge!", "Oh my goodness, poor thing.", etc.  I'd just smile and keep walking.  But by the time I was on my way out, I was done even making eye contact with these people.  I just kept walking.  And I promise you that it wasn't just in my head.  These people were so annoyingly obvious, turning their entire body, watching me pass by.  —oh well, right?! ugh!)

 

at the zoo

Fiesta pinata for the elephant

at the zoo

A "bug hunt" at the zoo.

Resting after the zoo (with a pointy, lopsided, contraction)

Playing with the big 'ol baby belly.

playing with the big 'ol baby belly.

I got a haircut!  —It was well over due.  And Chris and I got to spend some "alone time" together.  It was so nice.  We didn't do anything super fancy.  We went to La Cantera, where I finally gave in to my growing belly.  I bought some new stretchy shirts that will hopefully last to the end of the pregnancy.  We enjoyed a nice yummy treat together (without hearing "I want some!  I don't want to share!  I wish I could have the other one..." lol).

btw, I did NOT eat all that frosting.  I had to scrap it off —way too much!

Okay, not much of a 'highlight' of the week; but definitely needs to be remembered... I finally got to the point of NO SHAME.  lol  I have refused to ride in an electric scooter, in order to grocery shop.  Normally I just tough it out, or I just don't go -and Chris does it all alone (which he actually enjoys!).  However, I wanted to buy what we needed, along with some prop items for our upcoming maternity photo session.  So, I went straight for the electric scooter and [slowly] zoomed my way around Walmart.  LOL!!!  yup.  I reached that point.  *Oh, how I wish I had the energy and strength to walk through Walmart.

We took our maternity photos this week!  :)  What a WONDERFUL milestone, since we missed out during our first pregnancy due to being on bed-rest, in the hospital, during the time we would have been taking photos.  There's a blog post with more details of that day, and our first 'sneak peek'/preview:  A great [sweaty and humid] day for maternity photos


We also did some more odds and ends in the nursery.

...and this is what KJ did...  lol!

This is what I was doing while Chris dove in to the "nesting" phase.  Eventually, I went to sit and "watch" him work in the nursery.

I got to attend Robin's midwifery class, where students had a chance to feel around on my belly and figure out that I had twins.  ;)  It was a lot of fun!  My favorite quote was "oh, I feel a back over here (feeling baby boy's back) . . . wait, (feeling around other areas on my belly) there are a lot of baby parts everywhere!" lol!  And then KJ's favorite part was getting to meet, and pet (uck!!), a wonderful furry 'pet' opossum!  (another pregnant momma that was there happens to work with wildlife, and had just come from a 'wildlife encounter' with the little (not so little) opossum.)

Weekly prenatal visits will start on Friday, May 10... wow!  We're here!!  It kind of feels like "the end" already.  :(  Yes, I'm uncomfortable, but I'm just not ready to be close to "done"; I love being pregnant.

Belly watch:

A great [sweaty and humid] day for maternity photos.

We had our maternity photo session yesterday, done by my wonderful bff, owner of M.Y. Photography.  To be honest, I was not looking forward to taking pictures.  I never look forward to "picture day".  I'm too picky —I want my hair, clothes, make-up, smile.... everything, to look perfect.  I do know that might be close to impossible, but I have that type of mind-set and it really makes me dread being in photos.  I was, however, excited to get photos of my big 'ol pregnant belly.  :)

We bought some prop items and Chris worked on some little frames to add into our photos.  Things like that made me excited.  Anxious to see the final product makes me excited.  Getting dressed and ready made me exhausted!!  I had already started my day not feeling so well.  *the night before, at 3am, I started contracting pretty regularly for about an hour.  After I finally fell asleep, I woke up several times due to feeling contractions —which had not yet happened during this pregnancy.  So, I didn't sleep all that well and then, when I woke up, the contractions were still bugging me.  Chris suggested that we try to reschedule but I really just wanted to get it done and over with, not having to plan for another day of "prepping for pictures".

I took about two hours to get myself all primped and ready.  I was exhausted.  Unfortunately, we ended up running a little late and it didn't leave much time to soak in any of what was really going on.  It wasn't until I was driving to the location that it all hit me.  On the radio, in between going over the photo session "check list", I heard:
"Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me..."
I broke down and choked on my tears until I just couldn't hold them back any longer.  I told Chris how I was feeling, "We are here.  We're finally here!  Pregnant.  On our way to take maternity photos!"  The song that was playing, on the radio, was one that encouraged me many, many times when I just felt broken and knocked down from years of infertility —I knew that God was holding me.  I knew that He had not left me to handle it alone.  I knew that He had a very special plan for me (us).  He never let go of me, through every high and every single low.  Such comfort.  Hearing that song just brought it all back to me.  Yet, being on this new journey, I am able to look back and see how God had a VERY special plan for us -one I could have only imagined, never thinking it would become a reality: pregnant with twins! 

During that moment, I forgot about my make-up, hair, and ways I wanted the photos to be perfect.  All I could do was praise and thank God for the wonderful miracles we've been so blessed to enjoy over these past months.  Even as I type this, I am in tears just thinking how everything eventually comes together, full circle, sometimes in ways that you least expect.  All it takes is the tiniest bit of faith... not always easy, but definitely always worth it!  Nothing gets better than what God can do.



All in all, I think the session went really well.  I previewed just a few photos from her camera and I am so in love already.  I can not wait to see the rest!   

Unfortunately, KJ and Chris forgot to take water for themselves; so we ended up sharing my 34oz BubbaKeg of water (which, on a hot and humid day, will NOT keep three people hydrated).  I believe I ended up sweating more than I could replace and that led to contractions 5 mins apart (started around 7:15pm).  After about 2 hrs, they had spread out to 8-10 mins apart.  Nothing painful; just concerned me since nothing like that had ever happened, yet.  I was drinking water like crazy!  But it still didn't seem to do much.  Midwife Robin suggested Benadryl, Gatorade, and rest.  I did all three and I was finally asleep, without contractions, by midnight.

Well, that pretty much sums up our day yesterday...  Today, I am 31 weeks pregnant, only 6 weeks away from our full-term goal.  Stay in babies!  Stay in!!!


Here's our first 'sneak peek' that we received:

12/7/12: The Twinkies are already giving me white hair!!

What should have been a nice relaxing day of hanging out with a friend, crafting with our kiddos, turned into the first big scare of the pregnancy...

I thought I just needed to tinkle... and then everything changed.  Blood... clots... light cramping... a nervous call to my doctor... pack up the kiddos... hurry over to my doctor's office... pray, pray, pray for two heartbeats!!!

My friend was such a HUGE blessing today.  Chris and I are still down to one car right now, so she picked me and KJ up so that we could go to her house to spend the day.  Then she ended up driving me to my doctor's office and waiting for me, while taking care of KJ and her two kiddos.  I can't thank her enough!

Dr. R checked my cervix and confirmed that it was still completely closed but, yes in deed, there was blood.  He did a transvaginal sono and found two beautiful heartbeats and a very very wiggly Teeny (baby A), again.  Tiny (baby B), once again was just floating around, waving every now and then.  :)  What a RELIEF! —they're okay!!  Praise God!!  Dr. R checked the length of the cervix and the lining and said it all looked great.  He then checked the position of the placenta and it is right on top of my cervix.  He says that is more than likely the cause of the bleeding and clots.  The placenta is still expected to move upward; so it wasn't a concern, he said.  I was just told to take it easy all weekend and not to over do anything.  I was so glad when he told me that I didn't have to be in bed all weekend but I definitely need to rest as much as possible and take it easy.

So, that I can definitely do!  I sure know how to take it easy around here.  Ask Chris!  lol  ;P

The great thing about this emergency is that I walked out of the office with a beautiful picture of each little Twinkie.  :)  (and since it was transvaginal, it is a much better quality than yesterday's pic)

IVF #1, Days 29-31: Recap

Since we received the wonderful news, not much has changed.  I still feel like I'm talking crazy, saying, "I'm pregnant".  I don't "feel" pregnant.  I mean, yes, my body feels different, sore boobs and sore and tender lower abdomen (endo is way more sensitive right now, with every movement), I'm extremely exhausted all day every day, and some nausea and nasty indigestion has definitely kicked in.  Oh, and I'm struggling to fit into my pants because I'm soooo bloated! ...but it's not to an extreme where I feel it's not my norm (from IVF meds or endo).

I want to be super duper excited, but I'm still just a tad hesitant because it's all so surreal.  I wonder when and if it will ever feel real.

I will go in for my second Beta test tomorrow.  I'm praying that the numbers are doubling as they should.  If I get great news again tomorrow, then maybe I'll feel a little more like it's real?

KJ, still doesn't know because she made it very clear that she does not want to know until there is an ultrasound to confirm that everything is going well.  It's been really tough not saying anything in front of her.  We've been very careful about not letting her overhear our excitement or conversations.  I can't wait until we know our first ultrasound date so that I will at least know when we might be able to share the news with KJ.

Symptoms:

• complete scatterbrained and forgetful
• exhausted/sleepy/tired
• bloated
• indigestion and nausea
• super emotional
• hot flashes —right after my nightly progesterone in oil injection
• very sensitive lower abdomen (I assume it's due to endo, because of the pain)

Here are some other things that have gone on:

10:27:
When we got "the phone call", we were at La Cantera.  We had just left Build-A-Bear and we were buying a soft pretzel, talking about the two for one special they had going on.  I heard the phone ring and saw the caller ID . . . my heart started racing.

The nurse told me that my numbers looked "Fantastic", beta was 500, and that everything looked great with my progesterone level.  Then she said, "So, I want to say, congratulations!  You are pregnant."  I immediately said, "oh yay!! Praise God!! Thank you so much!!"

As soon as I hung up, I jumped up and down a few times, while gripping Chris's jacket, beginning to cry, and said "Hun!!!... She said everything looks fantastic.  My Beta is 500!!  Hun, it's real!!  We're pregnant!!"  (of course I said this quietly, but with a ton of joy and excitement.  I needed to make sure KJ would not hear.  She was off to the side, playing with some of her new stuffed pups —she was lost in her world of imagination).  Chris was so happy he stopped what he was doing, ordering or paying for his pretzel, and hugged squeezed me.  It was a great moment.

Jokingly, he said "I just found out my wife's pregnant!", to no one in particular.  He didn't care who was around...  Yes, we got some strange looks from the lady that handed us our pretzel and drink, but we didn't care.  We were so giggly and excited as we walked back to the car.

Then we were off to Austin, for my nephew's first birthday celebration!

road trip to Austin

I knew I wanted to tell my mom and sis in person.  So, I waited until the party was over and everyone was gone (or at least at their car).  I shared the news with my mom and sis and it was perfect!  We all cried and hugged and it's that special moment you always think about.  :)
*If I would have waited one more minute, before telling them, Chris would have exploded from holding it in from 11am until around 4:30pm or so.  Lol  He was being so silly (we were joking that he was just like the "surprise lady" from SNL!! LOL




10/28:
As soon as I woke up, thanks to a picture on facebook, of sausage for breakfast, I was immediately wanting to eat bbq sausage links and egg.  Here's the really crazy part... I don't really like sausage.  I'll eat it when it's covered in mustard, wrapped in bread or a tortilla.  But Sunday morning, I really, really, wanted some blackened bbq sausage with a side of scrambled eggs.

Chris stopped at HEB, on his way home from another errand, and he bought some sausage links.  I cooked them exactly how I wanted and I enjoyed my plate of sausage links and eggs.  I didn't want anything on the sausage, not even mustard.  It was just perfect!  —and then the nausea kicked in...

In the evening I was forced to go to Fiesta Texas (lol).  I say forced only because we had to go get our passes done so that we wouldn't miss out on the free upgrade/perks, that ended on Sunday.  So, KJ and met Chris out there.  (he had already been out there with a friend).

I was nauseous the entire time I was there.  I couldn't ride a single ride with my KJ :(.  It was so frustrating.  The only thing I could tolerate was sipping on my ice cold water.  Oh, and everywhere we walked, there was a strong smell of people, turkey legs, roasted corn, popcorn, hamburgers, pretzels, etc... and did I mention people!! Ugh!  It did not help!

Visiting Fiesta Texas for the last night of Fright Fest

Once we all got home, and I got my nightly injection, Chris went back out with his friend to a haunted house.  KJ went to bed and my bff came to visit!  :)  It was so nice to have some girl-time in a quiet house.  She gave me such a sweet and thoughtful gift:

"morning sickness relief kit"
Includes: Ginger chews, Peppermint oil, and Sea-Bands.  :)

10/28:  Info I was reading in one of the [many] books my sis lent me.  Our embryo(s) will be 22 days this friday, 11/2!!  The early stages of life are truly amazing!

IVF #1: Random things to share

Of all the things to fill my mind, I found myself thinking, just now, "I really really hope that if the embryo(s) attach and become a pregnancy that I experience morning sickness!  Because then I know I'm pregnant!!" lol  I had not a single amount of morning sickness when I was pregnant with KJ.  Back then, I was super thankful and I loved it.  This time around, I wonder if I am going to feel like it's "not real" unless I feel some kind of huge change, daily...

I'm sure that's normal, right?  Crazy thoughts . . . hoping to become pregnant and be reminded every day.  Okay, maybe it's silly to some —but it crossed my mind and made me agree with myself.  lol

Something else that has happened and I forgot to mention in my daily posts:
The day that I was visiting my parents... last friday... Remember I mentioned spending the day with my parents and going out to some stores with them?  Well, we were shopping at Sam's Club and out of nowhere, we weren't even having a convo about IVF, Kryssa holds my mom's hand, looks up at her, and says "Grandma, maybe you should get IVF, too!!  Then I can have a baby..." she was about to say cousin but then I told her it would be her aunt —all while we were cracking up (and tearing up from laughing so hard) over what KJ had just said!!! LOL  My mom lovingly explained to KJ that God made women's bodies to not be able to have children after a certain age (but in my head, I was thinking . . . "hm, but IVF with donor eggs, and even sperm if needed, could work..." hahaha).  My poor child just want anyone to have a baby at this point.  She desperately longs for a little baby in her life, as do we.  :)

KJ has been involved with most of our IVF talks.  I've explained how it works (they take daddy's sperm and mommy's eggs and they fertilize the egg with the sperm.  Then they watch to see which ones are forming correctly and they will put one or two back into mommy's uterus in hopes that it attaches to the lining and grows into a baby... *I still am partially thankful that she has not asked, yet, how that normally happens without IVF.  I haven't had to explain how body parts come together and I really don't think I'm ready to explain that yet... is that wrong of me?  What if she already knows —because she knows about individual parts and has figured it out??  ugh!  I don't even want to think about it now...*   Okay, so, she knows that the injections I've been on are to help produce as many eggs as possible and she knows that the eggs are going to be retrieved on tomorrow, Thursday ... This morning, 6am, I go in to wake her up and, so randomly, she asks me, "Mommy?... are the eggs they are going to retrieve just like regular eggs, like the eggs we eat?"  My heart melted with love —over her child-like thoughts.  I love hearing her questions as she grows!  I giggled as I kindly told her "no" and then reminded her that they are super duper micro-scopic...  As I got ready for my appointment, I just kept laughing, in my head, thinking of KJ thinking about her mom filling up with these "regular eggs, like the eggs we eat"... LOL  I wonder if she thought I could lay eggs too. hahaha!

Last, but not least, I have been so overwhelmed with love towards our KJ.  She has been so considerate, loving, and helpful, in any way possible, during this whole process.  She has held my hand several times, when she would see me cringing from pain of the Menopur injection.  She has kept me hydrated —she loves to serve me ice water; I think, in her mind, it helps relax me (which it does because I love drinking ice water throughout the day).  Most nights, during injections, she would call out from the stairs, asking if she could watch —saying, "I can't sleep knowing you're getting your injections..."

This IVF cycle really has brought out the best in our family.  We don't know what the outcome with be —new baby or not.  But the journey alone, so far, has been such a blessing!  (not to mention the connections I've made with other people, so-called "strangers", that have traveled this same journey;  all the love, support, prayers, and encouraging words from family, friends, and fellow "IVFers"!  I am so grateful.)

Goodbye Twenties. Hello Thirties!

I still have to double check this is real life!  I don't feel like it's time to be thirty, lol.  But it is what it is, right?  I had really been excited to turn thirty.  For me, it meant starting a new decade and for some reason that excited me.  However, the last day of my twenties became an emotional day of great memories:  celebrating 10 wedding anniversaries, auditioning for American Idol, having our baby, buying our first house, paying off our car, having crazy pets over the years (a ferret, 4 cats, 5 dogs, many fish, one that was approximately seven years old before it passed, and KJ's hamster), fostering a wonderful teenager, traveling, watching our 'little one' grow up, and many, many more!

Because I had to start my ivf injections on my birthday, I tried my absolute best to have as much fun as possible and keep my mind busy with making new memories.  I woke up at 7:30am, to color my 'white streak' purple (I literally have a skunk-looking streak of white hair, started when I was 15, right in the front of my hairline).  Then I went on my way to my favorite breakfast place, to meet my mom, sister and close girlfriends.  Parking, at this restaurant, is always an incredible challenge.  So, what did I do?  I parked on the non-paved part because I knew I could squeeze in past a shrub.  Did I forget to mention that it had rained all day the day before and it had rained all night too —oh yeah, I did.  I wasn't worried about mud because I had decided to wear my fun rain boots.  However, my mom, on the other hand, was somehow convinced, by her wonderful birthday girl, to park in the same area.  Her car is much bigger and much more front-heavy (I have a Focus and she has an Impala).  The spot that was available was just slightly on a downward slant —and I do mean slight.  And if you haven't guessed it already . . . she ended up stuck in the mud! :(  I felt horrible because that is exactly why she did NOT want to try parking in that spot.  But I told her it would be fine.  Um, I know now that I'm not an expert with mud! ha!  She tried for a while and then I gave it my try at driving her car out of nasty mud.  There was a very nice man that saw us and offered his help (verbal direction and making sure I wouldn't hit anything on my way out).  Approximately 20 minutes later, we were out of the mud!!! (and covered in it too! lol).  We were cleaned up (enough) once it was time to sit with friends, for brunch.  I had a wonderful time chatting with everyone.  

After brunch, we spontaneously went to paint some pottery.  My sis had a great idea, for everyone to  paint on one "birthday plate" together.  My girlfriend bought the pottery piece, and we all painted it together.  It was so much fun!!  My sister painted a hippo, one of my favorite things, in the bowl and everything looks perfect.  I'm so excited to pick it up on Wednesday.  (I'll post pics of the finished product)

From there, everyone said their goodbyes and KJ got to ride with grandma, while Chris and I had 30 mins, or so, of quiet time together.  It was wonderful getting to sit and eat some frozen yogurt with him; however, because things calmed down, all we could really talk about was ivf, our injections being only hours away, and the possibility of actually getting to have a second baby.  As nice as it is to daydream and try to plan ahead, the reality of this journey is that we just have no way of knowing what the end results will be —but sometimes it's just comforting planning ahead, for a newborn baby...

I had a quick decision to make, go home and rest before our first injections OR go out to another restaurant to celebrate again... I chose Pappadeaux! :)  This allowed me to celebrate with our dads and with my hubby (since the brunch was just for the gals).  On the way to the restaurant, Chris stopped and bought a carrot cake, my favorite!  And once we parked at the restaurant, he got busy decorating the cake for me...

Celebrating my 30th birthday was wonderful.  It was toned down and very simple —yet extremely memorable!  It was nothing like I had originally planned (I had thought to do something big and extreme, since it was my thirtieth.  but due to IVF my plans had to change and I was, eventually, okay with that.) but it was so perfect!

*I knew I'd have to really work on not crying all day for everything and nothing at the same time.  My mom gave me such an amazing gift:  A shadow box with some very memorable items from when I was first born.  I held it together as best as I could . . . watery eyes and a lump in the throat —but I managed to not break down and cry.  And then one of my bffs (of 14 yrs) handed me another gift:  in the gift bag was a super cute purse and a small bottle of lotion.  I see "Lamaze" on the bottle and think to myself, "I know I've seen this brand somewhere; what is this?"  And then I read: "Belly Cream".  There wasn't a single dry eye at our table (even a girl friend of mine that, seriously, NEVER cries, lol!).  My friend explained that she truly believes that I will have a baby in my belly some day and that lotion will come in handy...  ;)  What a sweet and thoughtful gift.  Later, at dinner, my father-in-law gave me a gift bag with my favorite box of Godiva chocolate and a small bag of Godiva truffles!!  Even though I can't have chocolate right now, I look forward to being able to break into that box and bag and enjoy a small taste in maybe a month or so! :)

So this is what life feels like at thirty? ... it feels amazing!

finished pottery piece!

Fun birthday present!

Painting pottery

delicious chocolates for future enjoyment!

More Godiva chocolates for future enjoyment!

My hippo cake from my hubby!

Carrot cake made by mom! (my favorite!)

Time to let go...

I've been up and down lately, with emotions.  I've been feeling really confused and sad and then really confident and joyful.  I've been trying to evaluate my life, thinking there needs to be some serious changes.  My marriage is still healing and I am working on myself —to be Love in my marriage (forgiving, kind and gentle with my actions and words, slow to anger, not holding grudges, etc.).  I am constantly reminding myself to "let go" of our battle with infertility and my battle with endometriosis.  I've been working on not letting myself turn bitter because of what has "happened" to me (in my marriage, with my health, and in my past —unfortunately, yes, it still finds a way to creep into my head and heart).  I'm working on staying away from the "Me" syndrome.  I don't want to have a pity party.  I want to just shake it off and keep moving forward. (easier said than done)

Today was a great day.  I felt great.  I felt "together".  I felt motivated.  Then, out of nowhere, around 8pm, the sadness and frustration took over.  I managed to overcome the heavy feelings and I was thankful to God...  then I came across a new blog, a great blog, Uncover Ministries.  It talks about having courage and letting go.  It stirred something inside of me.  I know I have a lot of healing to do.  Next month will be 5 years since I've known that I need to face the dark places of my past —and I still haven't. (I thought it wasn't an issue anymore and then right when I was about to turn 25 it hit me like a ton of bricks.)  I haven't known where to start.  The most I've faced anything is just having quiet time with God about it.  I confided in a friend last summer and we casually talked about our pasts.  But it only caused me to realize even more dark places of my past —parts of my past that I had been blind to see, until that conversation.  It confused, angered, hurt, and shook me up all over again.

So, as I read through the Uncover Ministries blog, it made me question "How much more courage must I need in order to face my past and actually "let go"?"  I really thought I had faced it and let go —enough to live my 'adult life'.  I sat and thought . . . and prayed.  I really need to find that starting point.  I'm realizing now that I have a lot more "letting go" than I originally thought.  I want to find that place in my life where I no longer carry the heaviness, anxiety, hurt, and anger of my past.

This song came to mind as I thought whether or not to post.  As much as I wondered what "others" might think after reading this post, the reminder that I'm not alone in this, and the thought that this might help someone else tonight, outweighed any concerns and hesitations I had...

Be blessed and stay encouraged!

(music video below)
Whatever You're Doing
by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

[Chorus]
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

[Chorus]

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

Let's "socialize"!

If you haven't already heard the news... I finally created a facebook page for Life Happens.  I may not always have an entire blog to post but I sure have plenty of quick 'happenings' and photos to post on facebook.  :)

Life Happens

You can also find me on Istagram (life_hapns), Twitter (@life_hapns), and Pinterest (lifehapns).  I'd love to connect with you!  Oh, and if you enjoy phone games you can look for me as Life_hapns —of course! ;)

Find me on your favorite social site and say "hello".  I'd also appreciate if you "share" it with your family and friends.  Life sure "happens" and sometimes we just need all the support we can get... Thanks for supporting me on my journey!

-Michelle

Who felt worse?

Today, our very good friend, Ciara, got married.  :)  I had the honor of singing during the ceremony.  I was nervous beyond belief (I haven't sung in front of others in waaaay too long) and when I got through the ceremony without passing out, I was ready to relax and enjoy the rest of the celebrations.

All that changed when we sat at a table, at the reception, and I was flat out asked, "So, when are you due?"  HA!!  I asked, "excuse me?!" (just making sure I heard her correctly) and she actually stalled a bit and then asked "are you expecting?" or "you're expecting, right?".  I, blinked, took a deep breath, smiled and kindly said "No."

I HATE SMALL TALK WITH STRANGERS!!!  I really don't like social events.  Must I explain any further?  People pulling random things out of the air -just to fill dead space.  Why must we talk?!  Can't we just sit at the same table and enjoy the reception without pretending that we care where we grew up, what we do for a living, how many kids we have, etc.?!?!  ugh.

I wanted to leave.  I really wonder who felt worse --the person that just put her foot in her mouth or the person that is desperately trying to conceive and just got called out for having a round figure.  :(  I felt bad for her . . . and I felt like crying for me.

I excused myself to go to the restroom to share the 'laugh' and awkward moment with my mom (I really just wanted to hide there for a while).  My mom was so kind with her words.  We both agreed that "maybe it's a sign" that it's coming soon for us...

About 20 mins later her and her husband excused themselves and left.  I was really relieved.  I don't know that I would have been able to suck that one up and enjoy the rest of my time with the happy Mr. and Mrs. Charles.  It still took me about and hour to shake it off and enjoy the celebration.

My husband was careful around me and handled it really well --with giving me a big hug and helping me get my mind off of it.  I know if I wasn't trying to conceive that I would have more than likely laughed it off and not even have been bothered by the question.  But that wasn't the case.  For the last week and a half, I have been calming myself as much as possible and reminding myself to trust God's timing with expanding our family.  I've been trying to focus on anything other than the fact that I'm so anxious to test again, after this last cycle.  So, Chris understood my hidden tears.  I could have just sobbed right then and there.

So, I just want to share with you another way to ask the same question and avoid a situation like this one.  :)
Choice one: "How many children do you have?" (if I were answering that question, and pregnant, I would respond by saying "we have one and one on the way")
Choice two:  "Planning on having any more children?" (if I were answering this question, and pregnant, I would respond by saying "Yup!  We have one on the way!")

Has this ever happened to you? (on either side of the situation)

How would you ask --without assuming the person's belly is a 'baby bump'?

Please share your stories . . . I'd love to know I'm not the only one.

Thanks to this lady, I'll probably test every day for the next two weeks!  ;)  (not really, but it will be hard to resist)