September 11, 2013

Facing Reality

I'm still awake.  The twins have been sleeping for about an hour now; yet, here I am —still awake.  I'm just not sleepy.

I've neglected blogging for many reasons.  The main reason is I lack time management skills right now.  The hidden reason is I don't know exactly what to write about anymore.  Strange, I know.  This blog has gone through my many different seasons:  happy marriage, troubled marriage, parenting a public schooled child, homeschooling, fostering/adoption journey, infertility/trying to conceive, aggravating health issues, IVF, twin pregnancy, and now... learning how to raise babies all over again and readjusting to a "new normal".

I wish I made time everyday to write a little something about our day.  But honestly, each entry would basically be the same:  "I fed the babies.  We played with them.  They smiled and coo'd.  Cloth diapering is still awesome and going very well.  They cried.  They napped.  I'm exhausted.  KJ had a great (or not-so-great) day.  My emotions kind of suck again today... etc."  ::pause::  yeah, my emotions really do kind of suck and that's what I'm choosing to blog about tonight.  I've always tried to be myself and keep things "real" here, on my blog.  Well, this is real.  My life right now is super crazy at times, with feedings, diaper changes, sleep deprivation, 9 yr old melt-downs, and unspoken tension.  However, my life right now is also super blessed!  I mean, serious prayers have been answered.  God blessed our family with way more than we ever imagined.  But hormones and emotions still feel out of whack and sometimes I feel like I'm loosing my joy (not my "I'm in love with my babies" joy (that's still at 100%!!).  More like my "I'm in love with life", as a whole, kind of joy).

All I want to do is lay around and only get up to feed my babies, really.  In my mind, I always plan tomorrow out to be different.  "I'm going to wake up at a decent hour and do something with my day."  I always plan to go for a walk or clean 'this' and 'that'.  I always plan on organizing something around the house to get somewhat of my 'old self' back.  But I either feel too exhausted and I'd rather not use up my "resting time" to clean and organize or I just don't "feel like it".  Yet, I can't stand that every day goes by and I don't do enough cleaning or organizing around here.  Doesn't make much sense.  I want to but I don't.  I think it's more like I've lost the "care" to do anything other than take care of my children.

That can't be healthy, right?

Now, after having my first daughter, back in 2004, I fell into [postpartum] depression.  I had no idea then.  I didn't figure it out until years later.  I looked back and realized that I really wasn't the healthiest, emotionally, that I could have been.  This time around, I kept saying I knew what to look for.  I fought hard in the beginning to stay focused on all the positive around me.  I openly discussed my thoughts and feelings with Chris and others that asked.  I felt "ready", in a sense, to tackle the postpartum stage.

Lately, I've started to wonder "what really qualifies as clinical depression?".  I'm only human.  I know that it's okay to have some low feelings.  I know that not every moment of every day will feel wonderful.  I know that this is just a phase and horrible concoction of 'new mommy hormones', sleep deprivation, mixed with health issues and a very slow recovery from the c-section —all on top of Chris recently going back to working 12+ hr days (after having 12 weeks off), leaving me to feel like I'm doing this all alone.  And I feel like such a baby when I fall into the "I'm just so tired" [whiny] mind set.  I knew I was going to have to be the one up with them during the night, since Chris leaves for work as early as 6am on most days.  I knew that I would be caring for three children during the day.  I just had no idea that my body would take this long to fully recover.  I had also forgotten what it felt like to get absolutely NO break from the never ending 'baby days'.

I will definitely take responsibility where needed:  my eating habits.  I have gone nuts-o with eating whatever I want, however much of it I want.  It's so HORRIBLE!!!  I've always been an emotional eater and right now it's probably at it's worse!  It's just a viscous, never-ending, cycle.  I wake up feeling blah, so I eat whatever I find.  Then my body feels uck again and I think of something else "yummy" to go and munch on.  Then I get bummed out that I'm just eating junk . . . and yes, then I go and eat more junk!  And I've read and heard so much about how food affects moods.  These last few days, I've really tried to be more mindful about what I'm putting in my body.  I'm trying to get back to the healthier mind-set I had while I was pregnant, working hard to keep my babies healthy and in as long as possible.

So, I decided to be a bit transparent about this phase of my life right now in hopes to gain some insight from others' experiences and also in hopes to help others know that battling these ups and downs is "normal".  It might not be a healthy normal but regardless, it happens and no one is alone in this.  That I do know.

I am in constant prayer and I do know that soon I will be able to look back on this time and know it was only part of this wonderful journey I am on.

... and now I shall pump and try to get some sleep!
Thanks for your constant support, love, and prayers.

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