February 27, 2012

Sinking. Fighting. Losing My Grip...

I don't know what is going on right now. It feels as though I am asleep in this distant world, dreaming, watching my life pass me by. I've been so medicated lately . . . lost in a fog. I've also been struggling lately --with a lot. It's put me in a major funk! It's not easy opening up. Although, I do choose to be a transparent blogger, for the most part.

**Heads up: I'm about to get real. Might even sound like a Debbie Downer to some. Just know, Life does Happen and this is my life right now --the good, the bad, and the ugly.**

I've been struggling with life, all of it. My health:
•Trying to recover from my back "malfunctions". I'll be going, on March 2nd, for my second round of injections to my lower spine and surrounding nerves.
•Fighting my way through infertility. I'm not sure what the next step is. We've made it through three and a half years now and it's been eotionally draining. IUI? Adopt? Foster? Take another break? Stop all together??
•Fighting my way through endometriosis and pcos. It's drained me emotionally, mentally, and physically right now. I wish there was a cure. I wish there was a remedy. I even just wish for a medicine that would actually work!

My personal life:
•Trying to mend and heal my heart and marriage. Thank God that we are now where we are. Somehow I was misled. I was under the impression that the longer you are married, the less complicated it would get. Maybe that is meant more for 25+ years of marriage, or even 50+ years? —not our nine and a half years of marriage? Nine and a half years may not be enough years to gurantee honesty, trust, communication, respect, and all the other core values of a strong marriage; but it's sure enough years to cause a hurt so deep, it feels as though it rips the flesh right off of you, shatters your heart and scatters all the pieces so far out of reach... and even then, God never fails. [God's] Love never fails.
•Trying to hold on to love -because most days I am in love and know exactly how blessed I am. I'm just hoping, one day real soon, I won't have to work so hard at reminding myself of those positive facts.
•Trying to figure out my child -is she so gifted that I don't understand what she needs just yet? Or am I in denial and something is just a little different and, again, I don't really understand what she needs right now. She's so smart and she amazes me everyday. Yet, those meltdowns and tantrums, though they aren't as frequent, really make me wonder how normal they really are for a 7 year old.
•Life in general: down to the simple concept of just "living". Is it enough to just wake up and "make it through the day" --because that's all I feel I have left right now. Wether it's because of my medication or my hidden emotions...I'll keep fighting. I know I will. But some days are just really questionable. I've been questioning so much. I don't think I've ever experienced this as an adult. It's been 10 years since I last struggled with some of these thoughts. I'm doing all that I know to fight fight fight ... and I'm pretty sure I should seek professional help. But I seem to just laugh, quietly, at the thought of sitting in a strange place talking about my deepest, darkest, most personal thoughts and emotions with a total stranger. A stranger that I would hope to never ever bump into around town. A stranger who might not truly understand me. A stranger who, more than likely, does not have my best interest in mind --it might be just another session...just another paycheck. That's wrong of me, right? I mean, I'm sure it's really wrong of me to put everyone into one category. BUT...it's how I feel. It's why I have felt so alone. I don't know how to trust anyone with my life. I don't know how to seek help.

I pray. I wait queitly, waiting to feel God's love take over. I wait to know that He is guiding my next step -whatever that step may be. But something just isn't right. I've never felt this way as a mother...as a wife. How can I focus on myself for the proper healing to take place when my whole life revolves around my daughter and husband? From the moment I wake up, it feels like go-go-go. That momentum keeps me going keeps me happy, keeps me busy and able to enjoy my day. And then when the work day is over, when the school day is over, when it gets quiet... it starts seeping through the cracks and that's when I don't know what else to do. It's not all about me. It can't be all about me. I have a family now...

I'm pretty sure this may be raising a few eyebrows, causing a few gasps and "oh my!"s. This may even be causing some "Oh please. Get over it" remarks —because you've been through worse, which I don't doubt you one bit. I understand. But maybe there are those of you who get it... who truly understand. I need your support. If you know me for me then you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am still the loving optimist. I am also someone who breaks every now and then and needs an outlet, which happens to be blogging. I am someone who will pull through because I fully believe that God will not give me more than I can handle and I know that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". I just happen to be in a place where it's been quite a bit more challenging to live out what I know deeeeep down in my heart.

So, for those of you who have already been praying me through this heavy storm, with all my heart I Thank You. And if this is news to you... will you please help by saying a prayer any time you might think of me and/or my family? I would truly appreciate it.



  1. Stay strong my dear friend. You are NOT alone! Go day by day and be positive. Great things are happening around you daily now seek them, love them, document them, and keep writing. You have gifts all arond you!
    I will send positive vibes your way :)

    1. :) Thank you. I know I'm way behind on replying --but I still come back and read the encouragement on the tough days. Thank you.

  2. I am continuing to pray for you, friend. Life can be tough and confusing, and cause all kinds of thoughts. You are doing a great job of staying strong, and whatever weakness you have, God will be strong for you. He is the ultimate healer, lover, comforter. Thank you for being real and vulnerable. He will be with you the whole way.

    1. Mallory, thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. :)