It's 5:07am on Sunday. I have not slept yet. I've literally been in bed all day since Saturday, 11:00am. I've just been really down. I sent Chris a text, giving him a fair heads-up, about my mood and if he'd rather stay out —instead of feel trapped at home with me and my sad-in-the-dumps mood. He called as soon as he was out of work, which was thoughtful. But he wanted to hear from me about what was on my mind and why I was so down. I really didn't feel up to talking. In the text, I had mentioned how I was just randomly crying and couldn't sift through my thoughts, or really didn't want to deal with them. So, when he asked what was wrong, I honestly told him that he probably would rather not hear about it at that time. I think he took it the wrong way. I know he was being a good, caring, husband. However, I know that if I would have mentioned how he is partly the reason for my sadness and heartache, it would have hurt him, or even upset him.
I wish he'd understand that I'm still healing from what happened to us in December. I know I've been real vague in my posts about what happened. I did get his "consent" to share whatever I wanted to about the situation. But I really don't feel like he meant it. I think he just said I could share if I wanted to because he knew that's what I wanted to hear from him. And also, it's a topic that is so extremely controversial that I just don't feel strong enough to be judged on it, or to feel I have to defend myself to others, or to, on top of everything else, wonder who's thinking what about where I stand... It shouldn't be complicated, I know. It's my blog and I can speak my mind, I know. But still, it's just the way I am. I over analyze just about everything in my life. Well, lately, it's been from one side of the fence to the other. Right when I think we are really moving forward, I find something else out. I still feel like I'm being lied to. I still don't trust him the way I once did. I love him beyond words can express and I'm working hard every single day to be love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). But not trusting him the same way causes me to hurt in so many unfamiliar ways --and it makes me question everything.
I wish he'd also understand that my health and physical limitations aren't planned and are out of my control. One moment he'll be completely helpful, caring, and understanding (taking great care of me and making me feel better about the number of "oh"s and "ow"s I make in a day.) and then it feels as though the very next minute he will be frustrated and irritated with me (even pouty, giving me the silent treatment) when I opt out of activities or outings because of how I feel.
So, even though I know I'm not wrong for feeling the way I have felt all day, I am here, awake, at five in the morning dealing with all my thoughts and emotions —alone. And yet, I somehow still I feel bad for him!? It's because he did try to make things better for me, the best way he knows how, buying me little surprises from the store when he was out. He even bought stuff to bbq and have a little family (the three of us) outing in the backyard —fence lights and all (when the fence lights get turned on, it always makes it a "fun night out" for the family). When I told him that I wasn't up for it, he acted like I changed my mind and just left him hanging. I reminded him that I was up-front with him about how I was doing and that it was his idea, not mine, and that I never said "sure!". He actually got upset... It hurts me when things like this happen because I know how I would react and it's nothing like the way he reacts. He actually put everything away and didn't even carry on without me for KJ's sake! :( That's what makes me really really sad. I feel as though KJ misses out on doing things with her daddy just because mommy doesn't feel up to joining. I, on the other hand, would have carried on without him and walked a plate upstairs for him, so he could still have dinner -no matter his mood-, while KJ and I enjoy a fun night in the backyard.
I'm so confused. How does everything always seem to turn around to be my fault? I should be allowed to have my days, my moments, where I don't have to slap on a smile and pull the weight for everyone to have a happy night. All the things I thought were changing and being worked on since December seem to just be slipping away and I just don't know what to think of it right now.
Please pray for strength and understanding in our marriage. We really have come a long way --but there is much more to go.
Now that it's almost sunrise, I really should try to rest my mind and get some sleep...
*1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
(English Standard Version)
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not
arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable
or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the
truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,
endures all things. Love never ends. (ESV)