April 22, 2012

Good "mornight"

It's 5:07am on Sunday.  I have not slept yet.  I've literally been in bed all day since Saturday, 11:00am.  I've just been really down.  I sent Chris a text, giving him a fair heads-up, about my mood and if he'd rather stay out —instead of feel trapped at home with me and my sad-in-the-dumps mood.  He called as soon as he was out of work, which was thoughtful.  But he wanted to hear from me about what was on my mind and why I was so down.  I really didn't feel up to talking.  In the text, I had mentioned how I was just randomly crying and couldn't sift through my thoughts, or really didn't want to deal with them.  So, when he asked what was wrong, I honestly told him that he probably would rather not hear about it at that time.  I think he took it the wrong way.  I know he was being a good, caring, husband.  However, I know that if I would have mentioned how he is partly the reason for my sadness and heartache, it would have hurt him, or even upset him.

I wish he'd understand that I'm still healing from what happened to us in December.  I know I've been real vague in my posts about what happened.  I did get his "consent" to share whatever I wanted to about the situation.  But I really don't feel like he meant it.  I think he just said I could share if I wanted to because he knew that's what I wanted to hear from him.  And also, it's a topic that is so extremely controversial that I just don't feel strong enough to be judged on it, or to feel I have to defend myself to others, or to, on top of everything else, wonder who's thinking what about where I stand... It shouldn't be complicated, I know.  It's my blog and I can speak my mind, I know.  But still, it's just the way I am.  I over analyze just about everything in my life.  Well, lately, it's been from one side of the fence to the other.  Right when I think we are really moving forward, I find something else out.  I still feel like I'm being lied to.  I still don't trust him the way I once did.  I love him beyond words can express and I'm working hard every single day to be love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).  But not trusting him the same way causes me to hurt in so many unfamiliar ways --and it makes me question everything.

I wish he'd also understand that my health and physical limitations aren't planned and are out of my control.  One moment he'll be completely helpful, caring, and understanding (taking great care of me and making me feel better about the number of "oh"s and "ow"s I make in a day.) and then it feels as though the very next minute he will be frustrated and irritated with me (even pouty, giving me the silent treatment) when I opt out of activities or outings because of how I feel.

So, even though I know I'm not wrong for feeling the way I have felt all day, I am here, awake, at five in the morning dealing with all my thoughts and emotions —alone.  And yet, I somehow still I feel bad for him!?  It's because he did try to make things better for me, the best way he knows how, buying me little surprises from the store when he was out.  He even bought stuff to bbq and have a little family (the three of us) outing in the backyard —fence lights and all (when the fence lights get turned on, it always makes it a "fun night out" for the family).  When I told him that I wasn't up for it, he acted like I changed my mind and just left him hanging.  I reminded him that I was up-front with him about how I was doing and that it was his idea, not mine, and that I never said "sure!".  He actually got upset...  It hurts me when things like this happen because I know how I would react and it's nothing like the way he reacts.  He actually put everything away and didn't even carry on without me for KJ's sake! :(  That's what makes me really really sad.  I feel as though KJ misses out on doing things with her daddy just because mommy doesn't feel up to joining.  I, on the other hand, would have carried on without him and walked a plate upstairs for him, so he could still have dinner -no matter his mood-, while KJ and I enjoy a fun night in the backyard.

I'm so confused.  How does everything always seem to turn around to be my fault?  I should be allowed to have my days, my moments, where I don't have to slap on a smile and pull the weight for everyone to have a happy night.  All the things I thought were changing and being worked on since December seem to just be slipping away and I just don't know what to think of it right now.

Please pray for strength and understanding in our marriage.  We really have come a long way --but there is much more to go.

Now that it's almost sunrise, I really should try to rest my mind and get some sleep...

*1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
(English Standard Version)
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (ESV)


  1. I know the thoughts and feelings that you experience when there has been some mistrust in a relationship. It is not fun at all. You almost feel like you wish you never caught the other person in the lie and like it would have been so much easier if you were totally oblivious to the truth. Its hard not to second guess your mate. But like you said, you have to continue to pray, and continue to have faith in God and your partner, even when it's hard to do it. God can restore any relationship to an even better state that it was in originally. I know I have said this before, but I appreciate your vulnerability. You only have to share as much as you feel comfortable in your blogs. I struggle with the same filter. Just know that you have several of us standing in prayer for your healing and your marriage. I know you will see results soon.

  2. You know, Mal, I'm actually the opposite when it comes to 'knowing' things or finding things out. I want to know and I want to find things out. Sometimes, because I over-analyze things, I am searching for red flags and warnings instead of allowing myself to trust that there aren't any warning signs or red flags. I like to just get it out in the open to be able to move forward and deal with it --instead of later looking back and realizing that what I thought was lovely, was all a lie. (this has actually happened --a whole 2 years of my life wasn't what I thought it was.) It's just so much easier for me to know right away and figure things out, forgive, and move forward.

    I truly appreciate your support and prayers. I'm pretty sure I'll soon just have a huge spill of words and stop being so vague. lol I just have to be in one of "those moods". :) and I think it might be a little too fresh and unsettled still...

    Till next time :)