Shame on me?

I tried it and it worked!

Every time I get a knock on my door I figure that I should check in case it's a neighbor or an ''out of the blue'' friend stopping by?  —there seems to always be someone knocking trying to sell or sign us up for something!! ::UGH!!::  So, it makes me think, ''Should I just stay away and peek through a window to check? . . .''  I HATE being so awkward in *my* house!  So, today, I hear a knock, I hear voices (more than one person), I peek out the window (my peep hole is currently covered up by our wreath) and see a briefcase in someone's hand—definitely not a neighbor or friend of mine; so, I yell out, "who is it?" They reply "Hi, Jehovah witnesses." I politely say, "oh, no thank you; Have a nice day." Then they said "okay, thank you" and walked away.  I always felt it would feel so horribly rude --maybe it is but it's MY house and I can't stand opening up my door for solicitors —no, I don't want items, club memberships, subscriptions, or any type of service right now (nor do I want to hand over my money right at the moment that they appear at my door —most want you to do whatever it is it immediately, no website to order at a later date or anything!).  I used to open the door to be polite and then just stand there waiting and waiting for the 'sales pitch'/'intro speech' to be over with just to say, "oh, no thank you..."  However; lately, either I'm just super moody or people's jokes and sense of humor is waaaaay out of date with me (or is it that *I'm* way out of date for the current sense of humor?! haha.)  Well, I finally spoke through the door to avoid opening up my door to a stranger . . . it didn't feel rude, not opening the door . . . Shame on me?

I REALLY need to put a sign out...

Back on Clomid today

TTC #2:  6 months and 10 days

Today I took my first dose of clomid for 2010.  I've had mixed feelings for about a week now.  I'm nervous —like it might work or something!  LOL  I mean, I always hope it does; however it hasn't ever worked for us (not worked as in conceived but 'not worked' as in it never got me to ovulate).  I try to stay optimistic with some realism mixed in...

It says there is a chance of weight gain . . . does everything HAVE to say that?  I really don't want to gain anymore weight unless there is a baby growing inside of me!  I make a mental note just about every 5 mins —"stay in control of your emotions . . . be loving . . . be kind . . . it's going to be ok..."  I just remember being on clomid in 2008 made me feel allllll sorts of extreme emotions.  I don't want it to be like that again.  So, I'm trying to psych myself into staying calm and being ok.  :)  We'll see how it works out...ha.

I think I ate something bad yesterday (old food out of my own refrigerator!) and I've been recovering from that since yesterday.  So, it's hard to really tell how the meds make me feel (if anything at all).  I normally try to see how I feel with anything that I am taking.  So far, so good. 

Life on Clomid --'Take Two'

I had an appointment with my doc this morning.  Took another pt --negative (which I had already prepared myself for).  Even he said that when he saw me walk in, he thought to himself, "Hey! I hope she's pregnant!!"  So, he was actually empathetic . . . he is a very kind-hearted person.  I love that he is my doc.

Well, I told him I am ready to try clomid again.  He agreed it was time to get back on it.  He said that I will start provera today and then clomid on days 5-9 get my blood work on day 21 and see him 6 wks from today.  I remember the very interesting Clomid lifestyle.  Everything revolves around "what day it is" (first you look forward to day 10 of provera, the last provera pill before you hope to get a cycle.  Then day 1 is a big excitement.  You get excited for day 5, first clomid pill, and for day 9, last clomid pill for that cyle (which you pray is your last one ever!).  Then you hope that day 14 went as planned (ovulation day).  The most anticipated day, for us, has always been, 21 --the day you go in to get your blood drawn to check if you actually ovulated (last time I never ever did.  But I'm praying for different results this time around!).  After you get your results (normally the next business day or so) -if it shows you ovulated then you wait ANOTHER week to take a hpt.  if it showed you didn't ovulate, then you just start alllll over again.  That's one way to look back at your life and wonder where it all went --so busy charting everything and looking forward to all these different days, you can forget how to enjoy each and every day you are given with the family you are blessed with.  I think, since I've already excperienced some life on Clomid, that I'm ready to stay focused differently through it all.

This time, however, the doc says that we will "tackle" it.  We have to start off slowly --we can't just start back up where we left off (we were about to triple the dose).  But instead of several rounds of a single dose, and then several rounds of a double does, he said that we will do one round of single --if that doesn't work we will double the 2nd round and if that doesn't work we will triple the next round and so forth.  Now, I don't know how many times we will be adding up doses because I do know that that higher the dose the higher the chances for multiples... *I did used to pray for twins --since I was 6 years old . . . all the way to . . . now ::blush:: --call me crazy, that's okay ;)  After trying clomid, if it is unsuccessful, he said he would refer me to a local fertility clinic to start IVF (we found out our insurance covers up to a certain amount --so we at least aren't limited to just clomid).  I'm praying that 'plan B' (clomid) will be enough to conceive . . . hopefully still in 2010.  If not this year, then God willing, at least in 2011.  :)

So, when I called Chris, I basically warned him . . . here comes the "crazy"! lol  I remember how nuts the whirlwind of hormones made me feel.  I think I at least know what to expect a bit more this time though --plus, maybe the "crazy" from Lupron is nothing compared to the "crazy" of Clomid...  I'll try to blog updates for anyone interested.  :)

Happy FRIDAY!!

KJ has a "boyfriend"...

It was approximately 6:45am, while KJ was smacking on her honey-drizzled waffle, and I was fixing her hair, when out of no where we have a conversation that went something like this:

KJ:  "Don't tell my teacher I have a boyfriend, okay mommy."  (It's almost like she just couldn't even hold it in anymore --it just spilled right out.
Me:  "Don't tell your teacher what?!"
KJ:  "I have a boyfriend."
Me:  "What's a boyfriend?" (wondering if she even knew what she was getting herself into, at SIX!)
KJ:  "I don't know; what is it?"
Me:  "Well, what do YOU think it means?"
KJ:  "dating?" (we had already explained what a "date" was when she was five --as in a 'daddy daughter date night' or mommy and daddy going out on a 'date'.  So, I knew she knew what that meant.)
Me:  "Okay, do you remember what that means?"
KJ:  "Spending time together."
Me:  "Did you know that people are boyfriend and girlfriend and date when they are thinking about getting married?  Mommy and daddy were boyfriend and girlfriend right before we got married.  We 'dated' before we got married."
KJ:  "Oh!  really?  I didn't know that what it meant" (she looked shocked and totally not interested in being someone's girlfriend right now)
Me:  "yeah, when you're older, you date and spend that special time with someone as their girlfriend because you are thinking about getting married and you want to get to know that person really well.  It's something you do when you get older.  Do you think you are ready to be someone's girlfriend right now?  Are looking to get married right now, at your age?"
KJ:  "No, mommy.  I didn't know that.  I don't want to be boyfriend and girlfriend!"
Me:  "So, you just need to tell him that you don't need to have a boyfriend right now and that maybe he could be your really good friend, if he's a good person.  Tell him that six year olds don't need boyfriends just friends and best friends!"
KJ:  "But I told him no at first, mommy, when he asked me to be his girlfriend and he started crying!  So, then I told him I would.  And then Nathan said he was going to tattle and tell Ms. Mann.  So, you can't tell Ms. Mann, okay mommy.  She doesn't let us be boyfriend and girlfriend."
Me:  "Well, sometimes it will make them sad, when you say no because they think you don't like them and that it hurts their feelings but it's okay.  You just need to explain to them that you don't need to have a boyfriend right now.  Even if it makes them sad, you let them know that you will still be their friend.  Maybe you should let them know what we just talked about --how people date and have boyfriends and girlfriends when they are older and looking to get married.
KJ:  "okay" (smacking away on her waffle, totally normal like we are just discussing grocery shopping or something.)
Me:  "And you shouldn't keep secrets from your teacher because you have to remember that she is there to make sure you stay safe.  If she doesn't think it's a good idea for first graders to have boyfriends and girlfriends then I'm sure she has a good reason for it too.  Mommies and daddies don't want their first graders having boyfriends and girlfriends either.  It's important to follow your teacher's rules, right?
KJ:  "yeah, you're right mom.  I'll just tell [him] (I don't even remember the boy's name) that I'm not his girlfriend anymore."
Me:  "that's a good idea, Kryssa.  You know, it really means a lot to me that you talked to me about it.  It's great to be able to talk to eachother like best friends, huh?  You can always talk to me about anything, always remember.

I gave her a kiss on her forehead and said, "you know I love you very much, right?"
She gave me a silly little face and 'tissed' away as she said "yeeesss."  :)

I ran upstairs to "grab her socks" --I really ran upstairs to giggle about it and tell her daddy!! lol  It caught him way off guard.  haha.  All he really said about it was, "GRRRREAT!!!!" (sarcastically, of course)

My mom got a good giggle from it to and said, "so, she's already made a boy cry over her . . . she's broken her first heart."  lol

I'm glad it's a funny little story.  However, I'm more thankful to God that KJ didn't think to "not tell mommy" the way she was trying to not tell her teacher.  :)  I've always prayed, just about as soon as I found out I was having a girl, that she would be able to come to me to talk about ANYTHING!!!  So, I think it went very well and that she felt comfortable enough to come to me again, in the future (far future, hopefully!!)?  I know she's only six and this may not seem like a big deal but after working with after-school aged kids, I am well aware of the things they start "not telling" as young as four!!  So, I wanted to make sure to not make her feel "in trouble" or that it was "wrong".  Maybe my whole "dating is for when you are looking to get married" explanation will keep her focused on other things and NOT BOYS until she's . . . oh, at least 15 or 16?!  That's a reasonable thing to hope for, right?!

::inhale...exhale:: Ah, blogerpy.

'blog therapy' that is...

Today's Wednesday.  The part of the week where you know you're so close to Friday —you're going to make it!!  Yet, you have to just remember to breathe ...

TTC
I am on day 48 and I've had two negatives.  Something needs to happen soon.  Even if it's just another cycle to let me know my body hasn't shut down again.  I'll be making a doc appointment soon —we just found out that our insurance covers IVF treatments (up to a certain amount) and we want to see what our next steps should be.  I don't think he'll recommend IVF as the next step; I think he'll start me on clomid again first and then go from there.  I think I'm okay with that now.  I think I'd rather be emotional due to adding crazy hormones in my body (with the hopes of conceiving) rather than being crazy emotional due to the LACK of conceiving —AGAIN! :(

I'm tempted to find a support group.  It's getting tough again.  That's why I had originally thought to only try for 6 months and then stop for 6 months and then try again, and so on.  I remember how hard it was back in 2007 (it seemed like, in that 18 month period of TTC, that EVERYONE and their momma conceived!! haha).  It was super tough, emotionally, mentally, etc.  But we decided to not stop trying and now I'm starting to feel it . . .

I know, I know, it's God's timing and He has the perfect plan for us . . . but I'm human and it's normal to feel what I've been feeling (so don't feel sorry for me and don't get worried about me).  I just choose to blog because it's what works for me :).  I figure, I'll share what I go through (to an extent), in case anyone is 1) curious, 2) experiencing the same situation, and 3) nosy!! hee hee.  ;)  I know I am.  I'm always curious to read about people's life and their experiences they choose to share.  So read away!! :)


KJ
KJ will be starting swim lessons on October 11.  :)  We are all very excited for that!  I told her as soon as she learns how to swim we will put her on a swim team, if she' like.  She was very excited about that.  "Will we have races?" she asked . . . when I told her "yes", she got super excited and said she couldn't wait to learn how to swim!  :)

We are a bit concerned about her school behavior.  On average, she's been getting about two marks a week —ranging from talking to not getting her work done (the main main MAIN one being 'talking' --hmmm, I wonder where she gets that habit from?! ::blush::)  She knows better and she always tells me what she needs to do differently (and she has consequences here at home --getting grounded, no tv, not video games, sometimes no dessert) yet, her actions don't show that she cares or really 'gets it'.  :(  Any suggestions would be FANTASTIC!!


Misc.
I don't know if I've mentioned it yet but we got a family dog.  Her name is Roxy, a two year old weenie dog.  :)  She's a lot of fun but needs some basic manners (like no play biting and keep her scratchy paws of of people).

Optimistic view on not being pregnant yet:  I've lost 5.5 lbs!! :)  As long as I'm not pregnant, I might as well be shedding some unwanted weight.

Recently, I've been more of a homemaker rather than a home childcare provider.  I've actually been okay with that.  I have a part-timer and some drop-ins here and there but Chris and I figure I could organize and maintain the house while I'm not working with kiddos.  I look forward to the days when I do have kids over and I also look forward to the days that I don't.  So, I have a nice little balance right now.  However, I sure am struggling with balancing out 'enjoying my me time' and tackling projects around the house... How do you do for you AND do work around the house and then still be 'mommy' at 3pm?!  I know it's a lot of daytime hours, since I am back home, kid-free, by 7am or earlier (KJ asks to ride the bus so that gets me back home real early).  I know I've been really down, lately, and I've been just trying to do 'fun' stuff to entertain myself and cheer myself up but at some point I need to get busy around here... any suggestions on how to balance it all out?!

My birthday is coming up soon.  I'm hoping to do something really fun.  However, I don't know if I want to do something really fun with just my hubby and daughter or with 'everyone' (meaning family and friends).  We normally make it a whole birthday week and do different things with different people to celebrate our birthdays . . . I just don't know that I have many ideas this year.

Oh, last but not least, I've really really been enjoying, and getting the hang of knitting!  :)  I've even had a few hat orders already.  Winter is coming and it's just perfect timing for my new knitting hobby! :)

See, blogging helps me feel better . . . can't I just sit and type out my thoughts and feelings alllll day long?!  ;)