May 17, 2010

TTC update

Well, it's supposed to be my 'Day 6' of my 2nd cycle and nothing is going on.  :(  I'd like to think that I got a false negative --and that it's not just that my body likes to NOT work...

I was watching all sorts of crazy shows and clips, online, of the people that didn't even know they were pregnant until they were in labor.  Very strange and I wonder how they go THAT long without knowing.  I think I would be able to understand if they found out half way through their pregnancy or something --but not as they are delivering!  Crazy.

So, I told Chris, in the beginning of our decision to ttc, to keep me focused this time around --meaning that I don't want fertility drugs again just for the sake of getting pregnant --because that was a crazy roller coaster of hormones and emotions.  I started wondering today, though, how long I should wait before considering taking them again.  I had said I didn't want any in 2010.  In the very beginning, I felt that it would happen if it was "meant to be".  But now I'm am really wondering if maybe that is what is meant to be...  What if that is my only chance to conceiving again.  If we don't conceive by September, the absolute latest, we are going to stop and wait to try again next spring --unless something changes our minds about trying again.  I just got the "what if it never happens for us again" feelings and thoughts today...   :(

I really wish that I knew someone that really really knew what TTC was like for me.  Then again, I would feel so sad to personally know that someone else is experiencing the same thing(s) I am/have...  It just gets tough when I hear people say "yeah, I know what you mean . . .  I do know that even when it is within one year of ttc, that it is difficult and very emotional.  I also do know, though, that when it passes a year, it's different, emotionally, physically, mentally, etc., from what I thought was "the worse, I could possibly feel" in the first year.  Gets my heart really aching for those that have passed the three year, five year, ten year mark of TTC.  :(

I know, I know, we just started ttc not too long ago --but I can't help but wonder if my body is just a little slow and getting to its norm or if it just fell back to its old habits -of NOT working...

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