August 15, 2012

Time to let go...

I've been up and down lately, with emotions.  I've been feeling really confused and sad and then really confident and joyful.  I've been trying to evaluate my life, thinking there needs to be some serious changes.  My marriage is still healing and I am working on myself —to be Love in my marriage (forgiving, kind and gentle with my actions and words, slow to anger, not holding grudges, etc.).  I am constantly reminding myself to "let go" of our battle with infertility and my battle with endometriosis.  I've been working on not letting myself turn bitter because of what has "happened" to me (in my marriage, with my health, and in my past —unfortunately, yes, it still finds a way to creep into my head and heart).  I'm working on staying away from the "Me" syndrome.  I don't want to have a pity party.  I want to just shake it off and keep moving forward. (easier said than done)

Today was a great day.  I felt great.  I felt "together".  I felt motivated.  Then, out of nowhere, around 8pm, the sadness and frustration took over.  I managed to overcome the heavy feelings and I was thankful to God...  then I came across a new blog, a great blog, Uncover Ministries.  It talks about having courage and letting go.  It stirred something inside of me.  I know I have a lot of healing to do.  Next month will be 5 years since I've known that I need to face the dark places of my past —and I still haven't. (I thought it wasn't an issue anymore and then right when I was about to turn 25 it hit me like a ton of bricks.)  I haven't known where to start.  The most I've faced anything is just having quiet time with God about it.  I confided in a friend last summer and we casually talked about our pasts.  But it only caused me to realize even more dark places of my past —parts of my past that I had been blind to see, until that conversation.  It confused, angered, hurt, and shook me up all over again.

So, as I read through the Uncover Ministries blog, it made me question "How much more courage must I need in order to face my past and actually "let go"?"  I really thought I had faced it and let go —enough to live my 'adult life'.  I sat and thought . . . and prayed.  I really need to find that starting point.  I'm realizing now that I have a lot more "letting go" than I originally thought.  I want to find that place in my life where I no longer carry the heaviness, anxiety, hurt, and anger of my past.

This song came to mind as I thought whether or not to post.  As much as I wondered what "others" might think after reading this post, the reminder that I'm not alone in this, and the thought that this might help someone else tonight, outweighed any concerns and hesitations I had...

Be blessed and stay encouraged!

(music video below)
Whatever You're Doing
by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...


Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

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