June 18, 2008

'what if'

Hi. I warn you -I'm in one of my 'moods' . . . my 'thinking moods', which I experience often.

So, I was reading a blog --almost an entire blog (she's pregnant, so I read from Nov. 2007 to June 9). I don't know her personally; I've met her once and she is a good friend of an old friend of mine -why I felt to share all that, who knows-. Anyhow, I have so much respect for all that I read. I don't even know her but I respect her for who she is and how she choses to be real. I mean REAL. So, it got me thinking...

Originally, when I signed up for myspace it's because a co-worker of mine (thanks amanda! ha ha) introduced me to it and encouraged me to sign up. I felt it would be a silly waste of time (which most of the time, I admit, it is. --now, don't huff at me so quickly . . . it all has to do with what one chooses to do. I choose to waste time on myspace -to pass time, get my mind focused on something other than what's right in front of me, and then I really do like to keep up w/ people and see what goes). I signed up thinking it would be a 'once in a while deal. I was wrong. I had fun, found old school mates, friends, etc. Well, then I found that I really enjoyed a place to just be me and not have to face all the judgement and criticism that exists in 'life'. Well, I guess to make a 'long story short', I thought I could use my blog as my window of truth --share who I really am and what really goes: how I love life, have so many questions, i have my doubts, passions, annoyances, I love being me, i daydream, I think -a lot! - and so on, you know? the little piece of me that no one really understands or cares to get to know? Make sense? The part of me that I shy away from showing at times because it has always been contradicted w/ all sorts of lectures, rules, boundaries, etc . . . I'm not a bad person. I honestly believe I am really a GOOD person . . . BUT I'm not perfect. THAT, I think, would be a given right? We hear it all the time "no one is perfect". Don't you ever wonder what someone is really like? What they really think when no one asks . . . or what they really want to share but hold back (not wanting to shock, offend, or upset others). I often wonder how someone really feels about the person they say they love. People don't hold back from sharing how they REALLY feel about someone they don't like or care for. But it's so automatic sometimes to paint the perfect picture or what we want other to see in the ones we like, care for, love. I wonder what someone really wants to say when they say things are 'okay'. I'm a very curious person and I'm sure I'm not the only one out there.

So, I, often, feel that I want to be that straight forward 'this is who I am -take it or leave it-' type of person --that's how I feel inside (and lately it's getting stronger. I'm getting bolder and a little more 'brave', I guess I could say . . . or how about 'daring'.), but it's not what I show on the outside very often. I'm a 'pleaser/giver'. I tend to do all that I can to please those around me --but don't you wonder what it's really like in my head, in my heart?! Maybe that's why I talk so much . . . because I'm so busy beating around the bush of my true self that I'll find alllll sorts of things to talk about in order not to bare all and shock or offend someone?! I don't know. Maybe I talk too much because I think about what I'm going to say, how I'm going to say, what I think about when I'm saying it . . . ha ha . .

Okay, so now I wonder what my own point is --ha ha, kidding!

Here it is: I am currently dealing w/ a whole mega-mass of thoughts, questions, emotions due to some 'things' that are going on in my life/marriage, relationships (including friendships) . . . a part of me wants to just be real, be me, and blog like I would write in a personal journal or something -w/out hesitance of who I truly am and what really processes in my thinker and heart. BUT here's my question: WHAT IF I did? I know I would find out who my true 'friends' are --and that is a good thing, right?! I shouldn't care that what I have to say, what really goes, might repel some of you, right? Or should I?! I think that growing up the way I did -w/ what I've been taught and shown about religion (or whatever you want to refer to it as) and how to be 'proper' -in life- has caused me to believe that if I claim to be a Christian that everything I do and say should portray that 'image' . . . Well, to some extent I can see how that is important (in my walk w/ God). But it isn't about being a perfect person . . . I mean, isn't it a given that we all fall short? That we all fail and make mistakes? That we all are faced w/ trials?! Shouldn't it be about the HOW instead of the WHAT?! Isn't it more important on HOW I choose to handle my trials and how I choose to go about as a 'christian' making the best of what I am given, faced w/, surrounded w/?! Instead of the WHAT i'm faced w/, going through? I feel it's more of a learning experience to be real about how I, a woman of faith, a christian, handle, deal with, survive, (etc.) those issues --rather than the actual issue itself?! Does that make sense to anyone? When did it turn into "Oh my, I can't believe she's like that" -instead of it being "That's one way to handle something like that! huh!"

I think if I knew more people like that, that I wouldn't constantly have all these questions . . . that's just my opinion. I mean, I would still, definitely, have questions --but If I had more examples of how one copes w/ these circumstances then I wouldn't wonder if I'm doing it 'right'!! I'm doing the best I can w/ what I'm given right now. I just know that some of my 'friends' would pass judgement or look at me 'crooked' (or feel that way behind my back). I'm positive some of you would feel that you're 'better' than me in some way --and/or think less of me . . . because the current path I'm walking?! Seriously?! How RIGHT is that?! I'm sure SOME of you might be able to understand what I'm talking about (being a Christian or not; I'm sure it happens to everyone!). Haven't you ever felt 'crazy' like you're the only one dealing w/ a particular issue -in your circle of 'friends- only to find out, that once you 'share' a little, that you AREN'T the only one?! Wouldn't it have saved you from so much of that feeling like 'no one' would understand you -if they would have only just been themselves from the start?

I do have my true friends that, no matter what is going on in my life, and how it is affecting me, they love me through it and won't point fingers --now, we are close enough that when need be they would point out some areas of concern --but never to the extreme that I feel I can't ever lean on them when needed. -and for those few, I am deeply, truly, thankful.

I had someone tell me, recently, that they didn't feel that they could really share what was on there mind because I'm "too good" -and I probably wouldn't understand! I almost wanted to reach through the computer and slap the silliness out of them!! ha ha. What was meant was more along the lines of compared to what that person had experienced/lived they would imagine me not understanding because in their eyes, I was set on a pedal stool a little higher than how they felt about themselves --which I shared w/ them that a sin is a sin . . . there's no degree of 1-10 for right and wrong. It's either right or it's wrong. The action itself might not be similar but the thoughts and feelings leading up to the action might be similar (and remember, I said MIGHT). Now, in our eyes as imperfect people, we might try to justify what we have chosen to do by comparing it to something that seems much worse . . . makes sense?!

Anyhow . . . I just wonder . . . WHAT IF we became as real as we crave to be -in our hearts and minds, w/ others around us . . . now, i know some don't even consider being real because it may hurt too much or all those hundreds of myspace so-called friends might gasp and turn away . . . I would much rather be appreciated and respected, by a few, for who I truly am rather than FEEL respected and understood, by many, for only what I allow people to perceive of me. But who really cares?! Who can really handle all that truth from one person?!

Someone recently told me, "if we can't be honest w/ the ones closest to us (the ones we are 'supposed' to trust) then where's the support going to come from -in order to better yourselfe in life?" And honestly why in the world would I want to surround myself w/ ones whom I can't be honest w/!?!?! That just wouldn't make sense . . .

If you're only honest w/ yourself and a select few . . . what kind of results will that offer? For me, truth is the only real solution . . . in any circumstance. I have to be honest w/ myself and not deny what I'm being faced with. --that is when the life changing results take place --at least that is what I believe.

I just don't think there are many that can handle it . . . I'd probably repel more than I imagine . . . or it could be the complete opposite. Maybe most of you agree w/ me and WOULD respect me more for being real about life's issues.

Now, I'm no Debbie Downer --but being 25, married for almost 6 yrs, a mother of a 3yr old . . . and all that makes me ME . . . I feel that I've learned differently compared to others my age. Not saying I'm better than anyone --because there's always something to learn from everyone -no matter the age . . . because we all have different stories. but that I possibly have something good to share in just being me -instead of sugar coating things. But who really wants that, right?! haha

yeah, so my blogs just might turn into a real-life 'reality' series . . . who knows! I'm growing, maturing and I'm not the same little Mishelly I used to be. Yes, life does change people, huh? My situations sure have . . .

I still love LIFE. I still love GOD. I still love FAMILY. But I'm at the point where I don't settle or make excuses for "unacceptable-ness" around me (like my new word?! ha ha). I'm not perfect; I make mistakes and stupid decisions . . . but I think I'm done holding back. I shouldn't be ashamed to be me just because I Love God and try my best to do right and be a good person . . . it's more reason to be me. If He accepts me for all my drama, flaws, confusions, mistakes, emotions -then who am I to be ashamed of what makes me ME!

a lot of changes are taking place. some I happily accept, some I'm a little hesitant to accept, and some I'm in denial and want to refuse to accept (knowing that it really might not be up to me -in the long run). so, if you find me distant, cold, rude, a little negative, just not that same "mishelly" at times --I just have a lot going on and I'm re-evaluating almost everything, trying to figure this out . . . don't know how long it will take. I'm not miserable . . . just a very quiet state --until I open up about some of these subjects, then you might just get more than you asked for, ha ha ;)

No worries, no worries . . . EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!! :)

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