January 23, 2015

Third pregnancy, fourth baby: SURPRISE!!! 5 weeks 3 days

I had suspicions.  I connected some of what had been going on as "pregnancy symptoms", BUT... I really didn't think I was pregnant.

I always do that.  For all the 4+ years that we focused on ttc, before going through IVF in 2012, everything that I felt was pregnancy related.  ha!  I was so hopeful.  I wanted to be pregnant sooooo badly.  So, of course, any indigestion, headache, cramp, mood swing, or craving, had to be because 'maybe I was pregnant'!  Right?

Well, I'll cut to the chase.

The week my cycle was due, I already had a few feelings of "maybe I'm pregnant"... I remember feeling a 'let down' randomly one evening.  I haven't felt that since early breastfeeding/pumping days.  I thought maybe it was just due to the fact that Elly was nursing soooo much that week.  That was another sign I wondered about.  Elly was constantly asking to nurse.  She had gone down to about two or three times a day (but mainly morning, nap, and night time.  That week, she was asking any time she was around me, and alllllllll night long.  So, I wondered...

Endo had started bothering me more than usual.  "Maybe I'm pregnant".  Oh, also, I was extremely thirsty.  No amount of water quenched my thirst.  "Maybe I'm pregnant".

When I skipped my expected start date,
I reeeeally wondered.  But I told myself not to get my hopes up too much.  I had hit CD35 (aka 'cycle day' 35) since starting my cycle, after having the twins.  So, I told myself to give it until about CD36 or 37 before running to tinkle on an hpt.  So, on CD34, I ordered my hpts, as I usually do —in bulk (I was so excited that I had found a great deal on 50 hpts! Ha!).  I remember being frustrated because I have free two day shipping; however, the order wasn't going to arrive until four days later!  How could I wait that long?!  haha.

In the mean time, I experienced other "strange" things happening.  For instance, one morning, I made one of my favorite tacos, Potato and Egg!!  I topped with salsa, as I usually do.  I was starving and practically drooling at the thought of sinking my teeth into my tacos.  I took my first bite (with the twins begging me for some too, of course).  It tasted nothing like had hoped, or remembered.  I took another bite.  It seriously tasted like watered down eggs with tomato sauce.  YUCKO!!!  I was so extremely disappointed . . . and hungry.  I asked Chris what he thought of the tacos, and he said they were really good.  So, I wondered, "maybe I'm pregnant." ...

There was also one morning that I realized that I had been gagging quite a bit more than usual while brushing my teeth —very similar to when I was pregnant with the twins. (My gag reflex was extra super sensitive to teeth brushing.)  "Maybe... ??"

All week I had been super duper emotional.  Like I could not stop from crying, at any given moment.  I conneceted that with the fact that homeschooling had become VERY challenging over the last few weeks (coincidence maybe? ha!).  Well, waaaay in the back of my head, lost in the emotions of "Should I even continue homeschooling?", I wondered...

Friday, January 16, 2015.
My tests arrived.  I received the text notification to go check my mailbox for my package.  Yay!  But, I was feeling too blagh to even walk down to the mailbox.  "I'll ask Chris to get them on his way home.".

Later in the day, my mom calls and invites me to a women's night at her church.  I was SO excited to go!  I got dressed and left as soon as Chris arrived.  I forgot to ask him to get the tests.

The church get together was perfect.  It was everything I needed.  I ate, mingled, and even had a chance to vent and be encouraged by some other mommas.  We prayed and then left for the night.

Oh the drive home, no exaggeration, I could not stop sobbing.  Yes, sobbing!  I kept thinking it was just my quiet time with God that I had been longing for.  I kept praying and asking God to prepare me for whatever He had in store for me.  I prayed for God to strengthen my relationship with KJ and to give me the strength and courage to face the challenges straight on.  I prayed for His loving reminders to fill my heart, that everything was in His hands and everything would go according to His will for my life --not mine; not what I had planned for myself as a homeschooling momma; and not for what I wished my life could be like.  All this time, seriously sobbing.  I even wondered if I should pull over, as I was just a few minutes from home, but just sobbing uncontrollably.  My prayer, on my drive home, had nothing to do with ttc and our future for our family, in that sense.  I was just letting out, what I thought, was built up emotion from a really rough week of homeschooling.

I pulled into my driveway, wiped my tears, took a deep breath, and prepared to smile for my family.  Feeling somewhat refreshed.  Then I remembered that I forgot to check the mail!  I jumped back into my car and drove to the mailbox.  On the short drive there, I was mentally reminding myself that it would most likely be negative and I would soon start.  I reminded myself that we are blessed with our three kiddos and our time will come again, if it's God will...

Straight to my room I went.  Everyone was busy. (father-in-law was asleep downstairs.  KJ was already in bed, lights out.  Chris was in the nursery playing with the twins, waiting for me so we could start bedtime.)  I opened the package, of 50 hpts, and used my first one.

As the urine absorbed and moved across the test strip, the results showed instantly.  What is normally blank... white... empty... showed a beautiful pink line.  I was shaking from head to toe, beyond control, and hyperventilating, saying "oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!,.." Over and over and over.  I wanted to bolt out of that bathroom, screaming through the hall, "TWO LINES!!!!!!!!".  But instead, I took my first few steps with my jeans still down at my ankles, until I finally managed to step out of them, on my way out of the bathroom.  ha!  (yeah, I could have tripped and fallen and not even cared.)  Immediately, I thought, "play it cool.  He doesn't know you took a test yet."

I stood at the nursery gate, as calm as I could possibly manage, and said, "hey, babe....".  He looked up from his phone...
"Come here real quick."
"Hun, really?  I can't just leave them alone."
"I just want you to see something real quick"

Somehow, either he quickly remembered that it was 'test night', or he saw right through all my "calmness" right to my buckling knees, shortness of breath, shaky hands, twitchy eyes, and so on.   Really!!  I was I mess! ha!

He gave me "the look", with the head tilt.  I knew what he was asking.  So, I responded with a head nod and a crazy, out of control, "Come. Here. Like. Right. Now.".  He seemed to be moving sooooooo slowly, getting up from the rocking chair.  I just told him, "Like now!  Move fast!!  I want to make sure I'm not seeing things..."

He saw it.  Two lines.  Asked what two lines meant.  Checked packaging for himself.  "Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?!"

I LOVED his face:  joy and shock all smooshed together in one expression.  I kept losing my grip in my legs. But I didn't want to freak him out and just drop to the ground. (Even though that's the same exact reaction I had when I found out I was pregnant with Kj.)  I couldn't stand.  I just kept crying.  I started this weird giggle-cry-panting for air-trying to talk-laugh --a mixture of "Thank you Jesus!", "oh my God!!!", "I can't believe this is real", "this is real, right?", "I'm pregnant", "this is crazy!".  All in different order and pieces that didn't make sense.  Chris hugged and kissed me, and said, "Well, call Monica, make sure we're right!" hahaha!

Some clanking sounds reminded Chris that the twins had been alone, for a whole 3 minutes or so.  "Babe, I gotta go because of the babies!", he said as he rushed back over.  A few seconds later I heard him say, "What are y'all doing?!".  haha!  It was the 'pinch' I needed to remind me that I was not dreaming.

I wish I would have recorded his reaction.  Shoot!  I even later realized that I should have gone with my gut instinct to record myself checking the results, "just in case".  But I felt silly.  I really truly thought all those symptoms were just 'in my head' again, like all the other years of ttc.  I didn't want to record checking a negative result.  How depressing is that?!  Oh, but this one would have been worth recording.  Oh well...

Then, on top of missing out on recording his reaction, I remembered that I had been thinking, that IF we got pregnant again, I would surprise him by sharing the news in some special way.  I had seen some video montage on wives surprising their honeys with their baby news.  I imagined what I would do "if one day" I had that chance.  Well,  I had the chance and I was totally hyperventilating, and not really thinking clearly at all, and I completely forgot about my plans... hahaha!

Oh, and I did facetime my bff, Monica, as soon as Chris walked out of the bathroom.  I absolutely neeeeeeded to share the shock and excitement with her and make sure I wasn't dreaming.  Oh my goodness.  It was the BEST facetime chat with her --EVER!!

And then, Chris and I, and the twins, stayed up way later than usual, while Chris and I took silly "reaction" photos.  It was definitely a night I will always remember.

From a video we recorded... discussing our exciting news.  Here, I'm saying "SO CRAZY!".  My eyes are all red and glossy from crying sooooo much.  And yes, I have a big 'ol zit invading my forehead. haha
from the video:  "We're PREGNANT!!!"
From the video:  He's still pretty shocked here.. hahaha!
From the video:  His state of shock is slowly fading.... slowly. 
Chris pretending to be in shock.

me just super excited to have a BFP!!

Chris pretending to be pregnant.

How he really feels.

Then realizing he has the 'pee' stick waaaay to close to his face.  haha!

*Oh, and for those wondering minds:

  • Yes, we were "trying".  (almost 14 months of ttc)
  • Sure, some might think we are crazy.  But that's okay.  We don't care... maybe we are!  All that matters is God's perfect timing, and plan, for our lives.  :)
  • And, No, we did not go through an FET (frozen embryo transfer).  Our 'frozen baby' is still nice and chilly, waiting for us!

This pregnancy is such an amazing miracle.  We are so incredibly thankful to God for every single moment we can celebrate this new little life, as it grows inside of me.

Thanks for sharing in our excitement!

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