Today's prenatal appointment was not what I expected.
I have gotten a sonogram at every single visit, to see how the baby's are growing, to check their heartbeats, and to measure my cervix. Today, no sonogram. I was told that they were very busy with other sonogram appointments. Dr. R used a doppler to to listen to their heartbeats and then visually checked my cervix. (everything is fine, based on heart beat and cervix.)
At the last few appointments, I have been asking basically the same questions: (wanting to see how consistent the answers are —or is he just telling me what I want to hear?)
Q: "Can I deliver both babies naturally?"
A: "As long as both babies are head down before you go into labor. If not, we'll have to schedule a c-section."
Q: "If only baby A is head down, do you allow any time or assistance in bringing baby B down?"
A: "No. It's just not worth the risk. I won't even chance it. You'll need a c-section if they aren't both head down. You don't want to go through delivering one, only to still need a c-section."
Q: "Will you allow me to go full-term and go into labor naturally?"
A: "As long as everything is going ok. But once you get to 37/38 weeks, I don't want you to go past that... the babies might turn the wrong way or get too big... you'll be so uncomfortable and begging to be induced... I don't want you to really go past that... We'll induce you at that point."
(this is the one that kept changing, each time I'd ask. First it was this, what is stated above. The next visit, it was "I'll do whatever you want me to do, as long as you and babies are doing well. If you don't want to be induced, we'll just go with the flow and see what happens when we get there..." Then, at this appointment, it went back to what is stated above.)
Every time I have gotten these responses, my only thoughts are "There must be another way!". I try to stay positive and remind myself that God is in control no matter who delivers the babies. However, I just don't feel at peace or even slightly comfortable with this plan of care. I always have a nervous stomach, unsure about what I'm going to hear next. I leave disappointed and feeling like there's nothing I can do to change the outcome. I feel as though I constantly have to keep my guard up and "fight" for what I really truly want. ... and in saying all of this, it's not what I believe prenatal care should feel like. I should be at peace. I should feel comfortable with my care provider. I should feel that I should have choices! (after all, it is my body and my babies . . . and as long as everything is healthy and great, I should be able to choose.) All this stress is definitely not good for my pregnancy.
As soon as Chris heard the doctor's responses at today's appointment, he knew another "midwife" conversation would be taking place. ;) Our first discussion ended with him urging me to call a group of midwives, that deliver in a hospital. I called the group and it turned out that they don't even deliver twins. hm! :( *Now, keep in mind, I have been praying about which path to take since the very beginning of our pregnancy. I've been praying for doors to be closed and doors to be opened, leading us on God's perfect plan —even if I can't see clearly at the time. Dr. R's door closed for us today. Then, the only other possible midwives to deliver in a hospital, that had great recommendations, didn't work out —that door closed...
As the day went on, I would just randomly ask him, "So, can I call Robin now?". An hour or two would pass and I would, again, ask, "So . . . what do you think about switching to Robin?". I continued with that for the rest of the evening. *Not trying to annoy him or even force him to agree with my desire to switch. I just wanted to stay on the topic and get some kind of answers, a solution, a plan. It ended up being our main topic all evening —trying to figure out finances if we were to switch (because she is "out of network"), talking about the "what ifs", thinking out plans for different scenarios, and brainstorming if there were any other options that we both felt comfortable with.
On our way home, around 9pm, I called him (we were driving in separate cars). As soon as he answered, I just said, "Sooo . . . can I call Robin now?!? [nervous giggle]...". He paused, for what felt like an entire minute of silence. I thought I had finally annoyed him. His response, "[deep breathe] I guess so. I sure hope this is the right decision...". All of a sudden, I was speechless! I can normally talk and talk and talk. But I really had no idea he was going to agree tonight. I thought he was going to wait and wait until I needed another prenatal visit or something. I really didn't know what to expect.
So, here I am. Up at midnight with a racing mind. "Is this really happening?" "Am I going to wake up tomorrow and tell Chris that I had a dream where he finally agreed to switching to a midwife to plan for a home birth??" I've dreamt and prayed for this opportunity for years!
**"God, have YOUR way and let YOUR will be done!"**
I've sent midwife R an email and now we'll go from here. God is in control and only He knows the plans He has for us.