July 1, 2012

Is it really the end?

I took an hpt test this morning, hoping, absolutely hoping, that all the endo pain, cramping, and spotting was possibly due to early pregnancy signs?? Well the first test showed a very faint, shadow-like line, after the first few mins. I called Chris upstairs. My heart started racing. I asked him if he saw anything and he did see what I was seeing. But we both agreed that we wouldn't get our hopes up. We figured we should wait until we saw a bright pink line, that matched with the "test line".

Hours past and I just couldn't stop thinking about the morning test. So when I needed to tinkle again, I just couldn't resist the urge to test again. Nothing appeared. And out of nowhere, the "spotting" turned into much more. :(

I don't know what to think. Why did the first test show a faint something? I think I just desperately wanted that miracle to happen before Tuesday. Because on Friday, I called and scheduled an appointment to get an IUD again. I'll also be getting a prescription to get back on Lupron. I'm heart-broken about having to put our TTC journey on hold -again! (this time due to my endo feeling out of control and too overwhelming already) :(

Will I ever experience that special miracle again? Will KJ ever experience the joys of being a big sister? Only God knows. But I will be so very thankful for what I have been blessed with -our precious miracle, Kryssa Joyce. And KJ says that she will understand if it just doesn't happen right now. She says she'll just continue to ask God for a baby brother or sister. I know I'll need some time to heal (because a huge part of me is hurting...I just feel so broken down right now. I will probably need a ton of love and encouragement just to get through the Lupron treatments. Boy, do I remember those crazy side effects! ...but I also remember how wonderfully the Lupron worked to END my endo pain. It was well worth it (for me, at least. Chris may say differently. Haha); so I'm really praying for the same kind of results this time around.

Seasons come and go; on to the next one for me (us)...

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