It's been a tough three weeks of waiting for this appointment. I've been freaking myself out, thinking that this whole pregnancy is all in my head. But then telling myself to have more faith than that. It's not always easy. It just seems too good to be true. Seriously. Every single day, the devil messes with my thoughts and makes me think that something is bound to happen. That there's no way I'll actually be pregnant long. Or that I won't actually get to meet or hold this baby. And the scariest thought that keeps flooding my mind is that I'll get to my appointment and there won't be a baby; just an empty uterus (or signs of baby that was once growing). And the midwife will say, "I'm so sorry, but you're not pregnant.". Yeah, it's the tough ugly truth —what I've been dealing with every single day.
So today's the day that I'm supposed to be able to fight those thoughts off easier and laugh in the devil's face, and rejoice! —because today I get to see my baby.
*******
I asked my bff if she would like to join. So I had my whole wonderful support team: Chris, KJ, and Monica.
Please let there be a baby. Please let there be a baby...
I meet my midwife. We talk... For what felt like almost an hour. And then finally she says, "let's see your baby!"
Please let there be a baby. Please let there be a baby...
She planned to do a transvaginal because she said it would be best since I'm still early on, 8 weeks +6. She gives the instructions on clothes to remove...
KJ: "ummm are you gonna cover up?!"
Midwife: "yes! She'll be covered..."
Kj: "okay good. Because I would be like [high pitched, song-like] AWKWARD!!"
We all laughed and it was everything I needed to break the anxiety. It calmed my nerves. Perfect comic relief from my KJ. Phew!
We get started. I knew what to look for. An open uterus and a little tiny 'smudge'. B l a c k all black. She works the wand around in different ways. O v a r y . My heart is racing but I keep a super calm-mom look on my face for Chris and KJ. Still n o t h i n g . I know there's still hope though because I haven't even seen my uterus appear. As long as I don't see an empty uterus. She'll find my uterus. I know it's in there! But it has to —Just has to— have a live baby! Please God, don't let my worst fears be true...
My midwife is super calm but wondering why my uterus is nowhere to be found...
KJ even says "I'm getting really nervous that there's no baby." I calmly tell her that the midwife is just trying to find my uterus first.
My midwife says she might need to call someone else in to give it a try. (Is this common? Or is there something more serious going on that I'm not aware of?) Then she decides to ditch the transvaginal 'wand' and try an abdominal scan.
It's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay... Oh, God, please let her find my uterus and please let me see a baby... A live baby! Please!
The moment she places the device on my lower belly, I see a beautifully open uterus and a smudged image on the screen. Instantly, I can breathe. Instantly I feel the blood move through my body again. I'm able to unfreeze every muscle in my body —and smile and say "our baby!!! Thank you God!!!" And immediately I noticed a white flickering spec, baby's beautiful heartbeat. So miraculous and perfect.
Turns out my uterus is just extremely tilted forward. I'm pretty certain it's all thanks to endometriosis. Everything always likes to attach in ways it shouldn't in there.
But who cares!! My baby IS in there... And with a beating heart!
I still can't believe that it took her about an entire 10 mins (which felt like a slow-motion dream, of my worst fears being true) before she even found my uterus! It just had to be tilted *all* the way out of sight. Of course! A normal positioned uterus would have just made it too easy...
I kept glancing down at the printed sono pic. It's real. It's real.
I'm really pregnant.
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