She's keeping a close eye on me

Kryssa keeps up with what I tell her.  :)

Yesterday, she tried to sneak past me.  When I asked her why she was sneaking, she slumped over and quietly said, "'cause I went potty and I don't want to wash my hands."  Needless to say, I went on explaining the importance of hand washing when dealing with bodily fluids.

So, today, after I finished changing a baby's diaper, I noticed that she kept watching my every move.  As I'm wiping down the changing table, she asks me, "MOM! . . . have you washed your hands!??  Remember, you're always supposed to wash your hands after dealing with potty stuff!..."  As I finish up and head to wash my hands, she says, "Now are you going to wash your hands?? . . . Mom, you know what Life Rule number 16 should be?  Always wash your hands after going potty or changing a dirty diaper"

So, take note people.  The official "Life Rule #16", according to the 7 year old:  Always wash your hands when dealing with potty stuff.

Life lessons 101: The tooth fairy does not always show up

Kj lost another front tooth. It probably caused the most pain so far. She kept biting down on it --ouch!! While eating cereal, she bit down on it and it fell right out. We were all relieved --no more spontaneous cries of pain.

Kjs tooth fairy (she knows it's us) has been leaving "cool money": dollar coins or a two-dollar bill. For the first time, of four teeth, the tooth fairy did not stop by on Sunday night. We had to explain to kj that tooth fairies are not allowed to visit children that have been misbehaving (it was pretty extreme on Sunday!) she was disappointed and Wasn't sure if we really meant what we said.

She's been working on having better behavior, in hopes that the tooth fairy could make time to swing by the next time she's in the area.

*now that she's missing her two front teeth, she says she looks like a vampire. Lol she hates vampires!!

Sad sad and not so sad

Today was tough. I received numerous emails regarding Miss K. Some were fyi's from her school and the others were from a case worker that thought she was still living here. Last week, I received a phone call (voice message) about setting up everything we would need to submit monthly records. I guess they are just as slow to pass along the update, that she no longer lives here.

I'm great during the day, taking care of the kids, homeschooling, prepping meals, etc. However, once everyone goes home and everything is quiet, it feels as though I fall into a huge dark hole of sadness. I need to stay busy. I don't even like the peace and quiet right now...music, tv, chit chatting --it all clouds my mind and helps me focus on the happier things around me.

Chris has been wonderful. With his new meds for his heart (I just realized I haven't blogged about *that* update yet), he's always sleeping. And when he's not sleeping he's extremely sleepy and needs a nap. But even with that new change, he's great -loving supportive, comforting, and the perfect comedian right when I need it. :)

I wonder how he's doing... I wonder how kj is doing?! I know I'm not the only one affected by all of this.

I know, I know, "this too shall pass". I think I need to find a new fun hobby or something. Any ideas??

Saying "Goodbye" and letting her go

I haven't wanted to write about this. I still don't feel ready, even now. But I feel it might help bring some kind of closure?...if that's ever even possible.

We knew that stepping into the world of fostering would not be "a piece of cake". But we knew that the joys would always seem to outweigh the challenges. This wasn't even anyone's fault -other than the differences in how the two states processed the paper work. It wasn't done in the way that we were originally led to believe. We found out at the last minute that how we thought the process would be was completely wrong. We couldn't take the next step. It wasn't the wisest choice for her or us. It's all about 'What's best for her'. And that's how it should be, of course; but it's definitely not easy. I'm sad, angry, resentful, and even a little bitter inside. How could this have happened?! Why couldn't we have found out a whole lot sooner. We knew that there was always a chance that we wouldn't be her parents long-term. It just all seemed to happen so quickly.

All her stuff is still in her room, as if she's coming home after school —like any other regular day. I keep her room door closed to help me adjust to the change. Tonight, I finally folded our huge laundry pile and I had a stack of her clothes that I quickly folded, placed on her bed, looked around for a few seconds, shut the light off, and closed the door behind me --then quickly put a smile on my face as KJ approached me with a normal question, "mommy, where did you find this necklace? I've been looking for it!". I had to show my little KJ that "everything is alright". I can't let her see my sadness . . . not yet at least.

Thankfully, she can still come "visit" with us --as long as it continues to work out for everyone (her, her family, our family, etc.) She's back with her previous family; which is really the best case scenario —she knows them, loves them, and she will be able to just continue her days as normal (going to the same school, continuing with her usual after school activities, etc.) I hope she understands. I hope she sees all the positive in the situation —How she can get the best of both worlds.  It's not "goodbye" forever. Just until she visits again.

I trust God's plan for us. We had kept this whole situation in prayer from day one. I have to trust that this is His perfect plan for everyone involved. (I like to remember how my mom encouraged me through the tough decisions. This is what I got from what she said: Even if just for a short season, it was meant to be the way it turned out. The time we all had together has influenced her and her future in very special ways...) I have to stay focused on what a wonderful young lady she has become and what a beautiful future she has ahead of her. We are forever grateful to have shared a part in her life.

Here's to trusting God for a beautiful future . . .

Eighteenth time's a charm

Right?!  Well, I at least hope it is.  I went from, last week, being able to see the faintest of faintest lines on my hpts . . . to, Sunday, starting my cycle two days early.  :(

In my "oh, I want to conceive!!" crying sessions, that I allowed myself yesterday, I felt God's love and comfort.  He comforted me in a way like never before —or at least I don't remember, if I've already said this.  He opened my eyes to a new way of enjoying this chapter in my life.  Have you ever felt words spoken to your heart?  They are the best.  In this moment, my heart ache and confusion went away:  "Enjoy the now.  Because once you conceive, life will never be the same again.  The life that you can enjoy now will no longer be.  The time that you have now for your daughter and husband will change..."  The heavy weight of sadness was lifted —immediately.  I felt refreshed . . . until the next wave of emotions.  BUT it was comforting to remember to "enjoy the now".  :)

Last night as I was cuddling with my love (enjoying the 'tingly love sensations' in the pit of my stomach) I was, again, reminded of what I have now... I had to share that moment, that I had experienced earlier, with him.  (It's similar to how we've been saying that we had NO idea how we would never get the "us" time back —after KJ was born.  We only had 2 yrs of "us".)  I really hope it comforted him as it did me.  I know his heart aches too —in ways, I will never understand.  With all the ups and downs infertility brings, (I don't really know what the "ups" of infertility are...??) the love I have for my hubby has only seemed to intensify.  Don't worry . . . I'm still normal —he still irritates the heck out of me. ;) lol  But I sure do love him!!

(my favorite scripture) 

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails 

1 Corinthians 13:4–8