September 15, 2014

Sitting here crying, letting it all out for a bit.

4am... (this might be a bunch of "ramblings")

I'm literally sitting here crying over reading things about large families and how to "make it all work".  I probably don't really fall into the "large family" category, but, for me, we are a large family right now.  I say "right now" only because, I'm sure once the twins get a bit older, things won't feel so repetitive? ...where I feel I'm doing for 4, maybe even 5, toddlers

And I really haven't blogged much about a lot of other things that have been going on in my life, but I strongly believe that KJ has SPD, Sensory Processing Disorder, or something similar. (I've done online assessments, from great sites I've found, and too much lines up and points in that direction.  It's sad, heartbreaking, frustrating, concerning, but, please understand where I am coming from when I also say, "relieving".  So much has gone on for so many years.  And there is a sense of relief feeling like my 'mommy intuition' hasn't been crazy... It may not be that she just doesn't care.  It may be
more along the lines of her not being able to control it all on her own.  Her pediatrician, in the past, had told me that it was "just a phase" and that she would out-grow it... She was five at that time.  We were also told that she was just being "defiant" and that we could take her to be tested for ADHD, and maybe that could help her.  We took her and that's a whole other blog post... let me just say that no tests were done; nothing was accomplished at that appt and we never went back after the 'initial visit'.  We will never recommend that place to anyone.  We have had a tough time figuring out what steps to take to get the right diagnoses, etc.  Anyway!)

Most days actually play out as if all 3 kiddos are closer in age, and it actually feels as if I have 5 kiddos!  So, I feel like I have a "large family".  Because of the current situation(s) we are facing, I feel swamped.  I feel like I'm barely staying above water, most days.  I just told Chris that when we have a "good day", that's exactly it --a good "day".  I never know when another will come our way.  They seem far and few between right now.  Some weeks are better than others, but it gets hard to breathe and hold myself together at times.  I try many different methods of implementing rules and chores and responsibilities.  Nothing has worked longer than maybe a week or two.  So I've been feeling like I'm juggling everyone's responsibilities. 
  I'm pretty desperate at this point.

I found this wonderful blog, about  'The Art and Science of Home Management'.  It's very interesting.  About a month ago, I also came across another site that has "31 Beginner BabySteps... for getting your home and life in order".  It's all so encouraging and helpful.  I've gained new ways of focusing on certain things and letting go of other things.  However, I still feel stuck.

A few days ago, some of you might already know, I finally did something for ME!  I took a class on Reflexology.  I had nine whole hours of not filling the "stay at home mommy" role.  Nine hours of just being ME!  I used my brain at an adult level. I had adult conversation. (And I enjoyed plenty of practice reflexology done on my tired momma-feet!). It was such a wonderful day. Nine whole hours of not having to look at housework... What a breathe of fresh air!

So I sit here with a gigantic load of emotions right now:  I need more "me time". Once or twice a year is no where near enough!  I need to find a great house routine. Trying to "rush clean" before hubby comes home, or before a guest visits, doesn't help keep anybody calm (or keep a good supply of clean dishes, clothes or towels).  I need to work harder to find what's best for KJ.  No more time for "Maybe she will outgrow it...".  
I know I'm VERY capable of fulfilling my calling as "mommy" and "wife", but I surely don't want to keep pushing myself to the bottom of the 'to-do' list.  I've been in so much prayer lately, about learning to balance everything out.  If one week I'm taking care of housework really well, I'm lacking in the homeschooling, and with staying on a good schedule for the twins.  If one week our homeschooling schedule is going fantastic, the house is a wreck and the twins are running around like rascals! ... I'd love to feel accomplished in my home life, just as accomplished as I feel as a twin momma.  I want to feel accomplished as a "homeschooling momma" as well.  It's been tough.  Real tough.  (due to all the challenges we've been facing with KJ).  I am desperate for balance in my life.  I'm pretty sure if I can find balance within myself (health, spirit, emotions, etc.), finding a good balance for the flow of the house/family would be much easier.

 ...and I'm currently awake "working".  Not the kind of work that brings in an income.  And not the typical 'mom' work of household duties... I'm working to find a way to do more than just "survive" my days.  "Working" to find a way to live ... a way to succeed and feel successful.  I'm pretty sure I'm currently drained in every possible way, yet, strangely, so motivated and intrigued by some new insights (IG accts, Pinterest findings, blogs, bible verses, wonderful encouraging worship/christian music on Pandora).  My mind is fully awake and running in a million different directions ... so I sit here planning out how to run the never-ending household duties, blogging, reading, printing curriculum, singing, releasing emotions, and continuing my research on SPD.

The night goes on.

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