Learning to survive

Reality has been setting in very very slowly for me.  The twins were born on May 20; but they didn't come home until June 19th.  In just days, they will have been home for three months.  How wonderful!  And we are finally getting into a good routine.

Our "getting into a good routine" looks a little like this:  I wake up anywhere from 9am-1pm, depending what time I went to sleep.  I pump and store the milk.  I prep a bottle for Liam and I get their prefolds and covers prepared and set them aside.  Sometimes I can take another little snooze and sometimes someone is already waking up.  Whoever wakes up first, gets changed and fed first.  I either breastfeed Ellyana or bottle feed Liam --sometimes they wake at the same time and I have to feed them simultaneously!  After they eat, Elly can stay awake for about 2-2.5 hrs and Liam only lasts about 1 hour, sometimes a little more.  They nap --hopefully around the same time.  *sometimes by the time Elly is ready to nap, Liam has already taken his nap and is ready for 'mommy time'.

Now, take that little chunk of schedule and repeat every 2-3 hours...

yup.

Sometimes it goes so smoothly, it feels like I'm running a home daycare again.  Other days don't go as smoothly and it feels like I'm secretly being tested on my multi-tasking, ability to fast several meals in a row, and potty break effeciency --like washing my hands while I tinkle... I'm joking!

If I'm still sane and able to function well by 9pm, I will remember to change them into their 'night time diaper' and pajamas.  They will usually get their last feeding between 10pm and 12am.  At least, that's the plan.  Ha!  *If there's one thing that I've definitely learned and come to terms with is that I can do all the planning in the world and sometimes it just doesn't make a difference!  Twins need things at different times, same times, and all the time.

Liam used to be asleep by 11pm and wake up 12-14 hours later (usually).  However, these last few days, he has been staying awake with me while I pump and then needing another bottle before he finally falls asleep for the night.  So, recently, that's been around 2:30/3am.  There are even nights that he just doesn't want to be put down until he is asleep and that leaves me pumping at 3/4am.

Ellyana used to be up all night long and fall asleep closer to 6 and 7 am.  Some mornings were as late as 8am!  You're thinking, "oh my!", I know... I still think that when I go to sleep with the rising of the sun.  Thankfully, the two of them have some what flip flopped.  Elly has been going to sleep around 11pm/12am and staying asleep for approximately 12 full hours.  These nights are definitely easier to manage.  Nothing like the earlier nights where they were both awake and wanting mommy.  And of course, the majority of those nights happened at the same exact time that I decided to hook myself up to the darn pump!  That's a whole other blog post...

So, this brings us right back to when I wake up and pump in the morning.  Now, repeat that schedule . . . everyday.  It never ends.

There is no "break" for me; I just eat whatever I can, whenever I have a free moment.  I rush to the bathroom inbetween bottle-feeding, breast feeding, pumping, carrying babies, and changing diapers.  (It's amazing how a new mommy's body accommodates the new demands --I'm drinking approximately 90-150 ounces of water a day and have realized that I can survive on approx 2-3 potty breaks during the "day time".  Where all that water goes, I have no idea!)

Do I shower?! Haha! Again, right now it's all based on "how important is it?"  Am I leaving the house or expecting guests that might care (haha! -seriously!)?  Do I smell funky? (Lol -gross!)  Do I need a few minutes to myself?  If the answer is "Yes" to any of those, then my response is "of course I shower!" (And when I do, it's normally in less than 10 minutes, normally around 3 or 4 am.  Or right before we plan on leaving, while Chris is awake and sitting with the babies)

There's no such thing as "night" and "day" really.  I do whatever they need as soon as they need it, whether it's the sun or moon that's shining.  (Including diaper laundry)  It all still pretty much feels like one long, very long, day.

What I am happy about is the fact that my "sleep" doesn't feel like just one of several naps anymore.  I'm actually getting a good 4-5 hour stretch of sleep at night.  The most I've gotten has been 9 hours, I think (that ONE time)!  Now that's crazy impressive in my book.

So, we finally have some kind of schedule starting and I'm so glad!  I'm starting to feel a little more "normal" again, just over the last few days.  I feel like I can breath --just a little.  Phew!

Well, this is it... how I survive.  :)

Facing Reality

2:48am
I'm still awake.  The twins have been sleeping for about an hour now; yet, here I am —still awake.  I'm just not sleepy.

I've neglected blogging for many reasons.  The main reason is I lack time management skills right now.  The hidden reason is I don't know exactly what to write about anymore.  Strange, I know.  This blog has gone through my many different seasons:  happy marriage, troubled marriage, parenting a public schooled child, homeschooling, fostering/adoption journey, infertility/trying to conceive, aggravating health issues, IVF, twin pregnancy, and now... learning how to raise babies all over again and readjusting to a "new normal".

I wish I made time everyday to write a little something about our day.  But honestly, each entry would basically be the same:  "I fed the babies.  We played with them.  They smiled and coo'd.  Cloth diapering is still awesome and going very well.  They cried.  They napped.  I'm exhausted.  KJ had a great (or not-so-great) day.  My emotions kind of suck again today... etc."  ::pause::  yeah, my emotions really do kind of suck and that's what I'm choosing to blog about tonight.  I've always tried to be myself and keep things "real" here, on my blog.  Well, this is real.  My life right now is super crazy at times, with feedings, diaper changes, sleep deprivation, 9 yr old melt-downs, and unspoken tension.  However, my life right now is also super blessed!  I mean, serious prayers have been answered.  God blessed our family with way more than we ever imagined.  But hormones and emotions still feel out of whack and sometimes I feel like I'm loosing my joy (not my "I'm in love with my babies" joy (that's still at 100%!!).  More like my "I'm in love with life", as a whole, kind of joy).

All I want to do is lay around and only get up to feed my babies, really.  In my mind, I always plan tomorrow out to be different.  "I'm going to wake up at a decent hour and do something with my day."  I always plan to go for a walk or clean 'this' and 'that'.  I always plan on organizing something around the house to get somewhat of my 'old self' back.  But I either feel too exhausted and I'd rather not use up my "resting time" to clean and organize or I just don't "feel like it".  Yet, I can't stand that every day goes by and I don't do enough cleaning or organizing around here.  Doesn't make much sense.  I want to but I don't.  I think it's more like I've lost the "care" to do anything other than take care of my children.

That can't be healthy, right?

Now, after having my first daughter, back in 2004, I fell into [postpartum] depression.  I had no idea then.  I didn't figure it out until years later.  I looked back and realized that I really wasn't the healthiest, emotionally, that I could have been.  This time around, I kept saying I knew what to look for.  I fought hard in the beginning to stay focused on all the positive around me.  I openly discussed my thoughts and feelings with Chris and others that asked.  I felt "ready", in a sense, to tackle the postpartum stage.

Lately, I've started to wonder "what really qualifies as clinical depression?".  I'm only human.  I know that it's okay to have some low feelings.  I know that not every moment of every day will feel wonderful.  I know that this is just a phase and horrible concoction of 'new mommy hormones', sleep deprivation, mixed with health issues and a very slow recovery from the c-section —all on top of Chris recently going back to working 12+ hr days (after having 12 weeks off), leaving me to feel like I'm doing this all alone.  And I feel like such a baby when I fall into the "I'm just so tired" [whiny] mind set.  I knew I was going to have to be the one up with them during the night, since Chris leaves for work as early as 6am on most days.  I knew that I would be caring for three children during the day.  I just had no idea that my body would take this long to fully recover.  I had also forgotten what it felt like to get absolutely NO break from the never ending 'baby days'.

I will definitely take responsibility where needed:  my eating habits.  I have gone nuts-o with eating whatever I want, however much of it I want.  It's so HORRIBLE!!!  I've always been an emotional eater and right now it's probably at it's worse!  It's just a viscous, never-ending, cycle.  I wake up feeling blah, so I eat whatever I find.  Then my body feels uck again and I think of something else "yummy" to go and munch on.  Then I get bummed out that I'm just eating junk . . . and yes, then I go and eat more junk!  And I've read and heard so much about how food affects moods.  These last few days, I've really tried to be more mindful about what I'm putting in my body.  I'm trying to get back to the healthier mind-set I had while I was pregnant, working hard to keep my babies healthy and in as long as possible.

So, I decided to be a bit transparent about this phase of my life right now in hopes to gain some insight from others' experiences and also in hopes to help others know that battling these ups and downs is "normal".  It might not be a healthy normal but regardless, it happens and no one is alone in this.  That I do know.

I am in constant prayer and I do know that soon I will be able to look back on this time and know it was only part of this wonderful journey I am on.

... and now I shall pump and try to get some sleep!
Thanks for your constant support, love, and prayers.

Breastfeeding: "it shouldn't be painful".

It sure IS painful, extremely painful, when one twin has had latch issues for five weeks and the other twin spontaneously develops an 'Epstein Pearl' on the front outer part of her lower gum!  It's just been one painful challenge after another.

Liam is starting his second week of bottles.  :(

The frenotomy went well. The doc only snipped the thinnest part of Liam's frenulum.  It released some of his tongue-tie, but, in my opinion, not all of it.  The doc didn't want to do too much cutting so that it wouldn't be too painful (they do not numb the area for this procedure! 😳😢. Poor baby --but the doc says the skin is still super thin, at this age, and doesn't cause much pain at all).  Liam slept through the procedure. He only woke to cry when the doc stuck his fingers in his mouth to lift the tongue.  As soon as the doc took his fingers out, I mean immediately, Liam would doze off again!  I was so shocked; but prayers were definitely answered! 💕 Liam wasn't bothered by it one bit.  (Thank you, everyone, for all the prayers for Liam!)

However, getting him to nurse/latch on is still excruciatingly painful for me and is not successful.  I'm so scared to keep trying because every time we "try" (I work and work and work to get him to latch on and when he finally, painfully, latches on, I try my best to deal with the pain to give Liam a chance to "get the hang of" it: open mouth, latch on, suckle, "I get milk!".  Not sure what else to do at this point. I end up injured and it makes it difficult to then nurse Elly, who latches on just fine. 

I'm in a tough place. I want to nurse Liam; but I don't want to go through the excruciating pain I experienced for three straight weeks (it got worse and worse over those weeks).  But at the same time, I'm heart-broken to have to bottle feed Liam while Elly gets to breastfeed. And then I'm worried that I'm going to eventually run out of milk from my "NICU supply" (pictured below) and not be able to keep up with nursing Elly and pumping enough to keep up with Liam's bottle feedings. 

Any and all suggestions are welcome.  I've searched and searched for any info and suggestions, online; but I have found nothing about this exact situation. I know I'm not the only one... But I just haven't found a solution that works -yet.

God willing, either Liam will get the hang of nursing properly, or I'll find a way to have peace about bottle feeding one baby and nursing the other :(.  (But then there's always the huge concern about supplying enough  breastmilk for Liam's bottles.)

Help!

Week 31: Pineapples and "baby parts"

How far along?

31 weeks on 5/2/13

How big are the twinkies?

According to TheBump, the babies are approximately the size of

*On 4/26/13, my fundal height measured 36cm, I believe.  And then on 4/30/12, my fundal height measured 41!  Baby girl is super high again —and seems to be loving it.

How am I feeling?

Same 'ol, same 'ol... large and exhausted.  My lower abdominal muscles feel like they are barely being held together, like they are "busted". lol  It's quite painful to walk now —but I'll do what I can to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy.

I'm also feeling super grateful, still.  I recently told Chris that, in the beginning of the pregnancy, I felt 5% like I was living real life and 95% like I was lost in a dream, so grateful, "pinch me I can't believe I'm really pregnant" state of mind every single day.  Now, I feel about 45% like I'm living real life and 55% like I'm still lost in a dream, "this is real?  this is really happening?" state of mind during my "real life".  I definitely have more moments where I'm just doing my regular routine, which is now resting, drinking water, and plenty of potty breaks —but then I realize, "Oh yeah, I'm pregnant!  Wow, this actually feels normal now...".  Sad thing is, we are coming to the end of the pregnancy already.  *But I'm just now getting used to being pregnant!  lol

Weight?

+30

What do I miss?
I miss being able to put on socks and tennis shoes, and tying them, without feeling winded, like I've run a mile [or more].  I guess I'm just missing all the 'little things' I used to take for granted: showering, dressing, walking, and getting up, with ease —etc.

Symptoms?
Again, same 'ol, same 'ol... nausea and no appetite here and there.  Restless/sleepless nights.   Super heavy belly (a bit tough to move around lately).  Extremely sleep/tired during the day.  Swelling is still very mild and rarely happens.   ...aaaand new stretch marks, again.  Oh, and the "nesting" phase has definitely kicked in; but I can't actually do anything! :(

Cravings?

Cheese and pretzels.  Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  Anything chocolate: candy, baked goods, ice cream, etc.  Mmmm Chocolate!  Watermelon.  (I think I could eat it for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack time!)

Highlights of the week? 
KJ and visited the Zoo with some friends (where I actually felt like a side show for all the non-mannered zoo guests!  I can't believe the stares, sorry looks, and even comments that came my way --from ADULTS!!!  I heard several gasps, and even giggles, followed by some form of "oh my gosh, she's huge!", "Oh my goodness, poor thing.", etc.  I'd just smile and keep walking.  But by the time I was on my way out, I was done even making eye contact with these people.  I just kept walking.  And I promise you that it wasn't just in my head.  These people were so annoyingly obvious, turning their entire body, watching me pass by.  —oh well, right?! ugh!)

 

at the zoo

Fiesta pinata for the elephant

at the zoo

A "bug hunt" at the zoo.

Resting after the zoo (with a pointy, lopsided, contraction)

Playing with the big 'ol baby belly.

playing with the big 'ol baby belly.

I got a haircut!  —It was well over due.  And Chris and I got to spend some "alone time" together.  It was so nice.  We didn't do anything super fancy.  We went to La Cantera, where I finally gave in to my growing belly.  I bought some new stretchy shirts that will hopefully last to the end of the pregnancy.  We enjoyed a nice yummy treat together (without hearing "I want some!  I don't want to share!  I wish I could have the other one..." lol).

btw, I did NOT eat all that frosting.  I had to scrap it off —way too much!

Okay, not much of a 'highlight' of the week; but definitely needs to be remembered... I finally got to the point of NO SHAME.  lol  I have refused to ride in an electric scooter, in order to grocery shop.  Normally I just tough it out, or I just don't go -and Chris does it all alone (which he actually enjoys!).  However, I wanted to buy what we needed, along with some prop items for our upcoming maternity photo session.  So, I went straight for the electric scooter and [slowly] zoomed my way around Walmart.  LOL!!!  yup.  I reached that point.  *Oh, how I wish I had the energy and strength to walk through Walmart.

We took our maternity photos this week!  :)  What a WONDERFUL milestone, since we missed out during our first pregnancy due to being on bed-rest, in the hospital, during the time we would have been taking photos.  There's a blog post with more details of that day, and our first 'sneak peek'/preview:  A great [sweaty and humid] day for maternity photos


We also did some more odds and ends in the nursery.

...and this is what KJ did...  lol!

This is what I was doing while Chris dove in to the "nesting" phase.  Eventually, I went to sit and "watch" him work in the nursery.

I got to attend Robin's midwifery class, where students had a chance to feel around on my belly and figure out that I had twins.  ;)  It was a lot of fun!  My favorite quote was "oh, I feel a back over here (feeling baby boy's back) . . . wait, (feeling around other areas on my belly) there are a lot of baby parts everywhere!" lol!  And then KJ's favorite part was getting to meet, and pet (uck!!), a wonderful furry 'pet' opossum!  (another pregnant momma that was there happens to work with wildlife, and had just come from a 'wildlife encounter' with the little (not so little) opossum.)

Weekly prenatal visits will start on Friday, May 10... wow!  We're here!!  It kind of feels like "the end" already.  :(  Yes, I'm uncomfortable, but I'm just not ready to be close to "done"; I love being pregnant.

Belly watch:

A great [sweaty and humid] day for maternity photos.

We had our maternity photo session yesterday, done by my wonderful bff, owner of M.Y. Photography.  To be honest, I was not looking forward to taking pictures.  I never look forward to "picture day".  I'm too picky —I want my hair, clothes, make-up, smile.... everything, to look perfect.  I do know that might be close to impossible, but I have that type of mind-set and it really makes me dread being in photos.  I was, however, excited to get photos of my big 'ol pregnant belly.  :)

We bought some prop items and Chris worked on some little frames to add into our photos.  Things like that made me excited.  Anxious to see the final product makes me excited.  Getting dressed and ready made me exhausted!!  I had already started my day not feeling so well.  *the night before, at 3am, I started contracting pretty regularly for about an hour.  After I finally fell asleep, I woke up several times due to feeling contractions —which had not yet happened during this pregnancy.  So, I didn't sleep all that well and then, when I woke up, the contractions were still bugging me.  Chris suggested that we try to reschedule but I really just wanted to get it done and over with, not having to plan for another day of "prepping for pictures".

I took about two hours to get myself all primped and ready.  I was exhausted.  Unfortunately, we ended up running a little late and it didn't leave much time to soak in any of what was really going on.  It wasn't until I was driving to the location that it all hit me.  On the radio, in between going over the photo session "check list", I heard:
"Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me..."
I broke down and choked on my tears until I just couldn't hold them back any longer.  I told Chris how I was feeling, "We are here.  We're finally here!  Pregnant.  On our way to take maternity photos!"  The song that was playing, on the radio, was one that encouraged me many, many times when I just felt broken and knocked down from years of infertility —I knew that God was holding me.  I knew that He had not left me to handle it alone.  I knew that He had a very special plan for me (us).  He never let go of me, through every high and every single low.  Such comfort.  Hearing that song just brought it all back to me.  Yet, being on this new journey, I am able to look back and see how God had a VERY special plan for us -one I could have only imagined, never thinking it would become a reality: pregnant with twins! 

During that moment, I forgot about my make-up, hair, and ways I wanted the photos to be perfect.  All I could do was praise and thank God for the wonderful miracles we've been so blessed to enjoy over these past months.  Even as I type this, I am in tears just thinking how everything eventually comes together, full circle, sometimes in ways that you least expect.  All it takes is the tiniest bit of faith... not always easy, but definitely always worth it!  Nothing gets better than what God can do.



All in all, I think the session went really well.  I previewed just a few photos from her camera and I am so in love already.  I can not wait to see the rest!   

Unfortunately, KJ and Chris forgot to take water for themselves; so we ended up sharing my 34oz BubbaKeg of water (which, on a hot and humid day, will NOT keep three people hydrated).  I believe I ended up sweating more than I could replace and that led to contractions 5 mins apart (started around 7:15pm).  After about 2 hrs, they had spread out to 8-10 mins apart.  Nothing painful; just concerned me since nothing like that had ever happened, yet.  I was drinking water like crazy!  But it still didn't seem to do much.  Midwife Robin suggested Benadryl, Gatorade, and rest.  I did all three and I was finally asleep, without contractions, by midnight.

Well, that pretty much sums up our day yesterday...  Today, I am 31 weeks pregnant, only 6 weeks away from our full-term goal.  Stay in babies!  Stay in!!!


Here's our first 'sneak peek' that we received: