May 25, 2012

Carried through the storm

It's amazing, you know —the peace and love that can be experienced in some of the worst situations.  I'm completely in awe.  Of all the times I've questioned, "Why me, Lord?  What is it that you want me to gain from this?", Wednesday evening was put in my life just for me (and, of course, for all the others that needed it 'just for them' too).  :)

Wednesday was a very busy day for me.  I don't normally have to run around from one place to the next.  But this particular day, that's how it was.  I worked from 6:30am-4:30pm.  I stopped by Starbucks to buy my therapist a gift card, to put in the thank you card we bought.  I was on my way to my last physical therapy session (yay!) set for 4:30pm.  Then, I had to go through the discharge process (which I had no idea it would take so long —it could have taken less time, I'm sure, if I didn't have such wonderful things to say about my experience, when I took my final survey.) and I didn't leave until 6pm, or maybe even a little later (my appointment was set from 4:30pm-5:30pm).  When I left there, I had to go to a friend's house to quickly pick something up.  I thought it would take two minutes, but I really love to talk, hee hee.  I was also on cloud nine because I felt so wonderful having my last PT appointment and having my pain level down at a 2 —compared to the usual 7-9 I had been experiencing before starting physical therapy (PT).  When I left from my friend's house, I still had to rush to the store to buy some cupcakes for KJ's cheer party that started at 6:30pm.  Yikes!  We finally made it to the party, just about 10 minutes late. 

I really wanted my day to just end right after the party, at 7:30pm.  I wanted to go home, rest, eat dinner (that I didn't have to cook), and rest some more.  Oh, I didn't mention that my car does NOT have a/c.  So, that makes all the running around, in traffic, SO much nastier and much more exhausting.  :(  Well, as much as I would have love to get home to rest.  I really felt a burning desire to make it to any amount of the monthly worship night at BRCC.  I really felt like God was saying "Trust me.  I have something waiting for you."  (no, not the actual voice of God --but a super strong feeling that I knew I could not ignore.)  Now, I know I haven't said much about the challenges my marriage faced in December (and I have his okay on sharing his part, but, out of respect, I choose to leave out the details) —to sum it all up I knew I had to stand up for what I believe in and how I should be treated and it led to a temporary separation in our marriage.  It was absolutely one of the hardest decisions I had to make but I knew that God was still holding on to me and taking care of me each step of the way.  So, it's been a very long healing process.  Just because he came back home and we seemed fine on the outside, there was still a lot of hurt, heartache, betrayal, and most of all, broken trust, that really needed healing.  All of our marriage, God has really carried me through our challenges and he has NEVER left my side.  I've been able to sense when something just 'isn't right'.  Now, because I, myself, am not perfect, I have had many times when I doubt my "gut feeling", "woman's intuition", and what I am spiritually sensing.  Partly due to denial and partly due to hoping that I am wrong and just making it up in my own mind.  So, during these past months, I have had my ups and downs of trusting and not trusting.  I have forced myself to trust even when I just felt torn about it.  I would pray and ask God to just release me of the past and help me to move forward, being able to trust again.  But then I would also ask God to hold my heart and help me not be blinded to see the truth in our marriage.  It's been really tough.  No other words can explain how it's been.  I love him with ALL my heart and really hate the choices he has made.  It is an indescribable hurt when someone you love so much, in my case, my spouse, the one person I truly want to grow old with, raise children with, experience life with, betrays you and gives you reason(s) not to trust. 

Sooooo, I had told myself not to make this too long.... sorry.

it's been a couple of months now that I've had my 'sensors' going off.  I've really been doubting his words lately.  I knew I needed a 'spiritual refill' for what I knew I was about to face again.  God didn't let me down.  We made it to the worship service with 30 minutes left and I released everything.  I had been carrying all the hurt, confusion, and resentment for way too long.  Not to mention all the ups and downs of not being able to conceive after three and a half years of trying.  I left it all there, at His feet.  I asked for courage.  I asked for wisdom.  I asked for the strength and understanding to love unconditionally.  I just. let. go.  and it was exactly what I needed.  Because later that night, I, again, followed through on what I felt led to do and finally the truth came out again.  I had already known that the lies had started again.  I just needed him to be able to communicate with me, face to face.  He already knew that I had known too.  It wasn't as easy as I thought it was going to be.  I thought I would ask him, hear the truth, tell him that I love him and forgive him, get a hug and a kiss and go to sleep.  Well, I'm human.  The hurt set in, but in a very calm and peaceful way.  It was comforting being able to tell him how I felt about the situation.  I knew God was holding my heart and I refused to take it back, to be in control.  I cried —a lot (a lot more than I expected, since I had already known.).  Just hearing it and seeing the look on his face as he admitted it took my words and breath away —again.  I know what my choices are.  I know my "rights", I guess you can say.  But right now, I am choosing to love and be love.  I have forgiven him.  I have asked God to continue to carry me through the storm and guide my every word and every action.  I choose to continue to trust God.  I know that He will not give me more than I can handle... and I will continue to fight for my marriage.  (now I will admit that I have no idea how I will feel in the next few days, weeks, or even months.  But I am taking it one moment at a time —one thought and feeling at a time.  I turn away from the negative and I work harder than ever to focus on God's promises.).

I always ask for prayer and I truly appreciate those of you that have kept me and my marriage in your prayers all these times.  For now I am still ME! :)  I still love life, my family, my husband, and always, my God! :)

I pray that anyone else going through or that has gone through storms, trials, challenges of this sort stay encouraged at every moment (because sometimes an entire day seems like too much to handle —but a single moment . . . seems a bit more manageable) and know that you are worthy of Love and Respect —and never forget that God loves you.

All my love,

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