A glimpse of my reality

In a twin parenting group, we were challenged to post something "real" —not just the cute matching, adorable, sweet stuff.  I like to think I've done my fair share of being pretty real on my Instagram and Life Happens FB page.  Sometimes I do think it's a little more fun (entertaining) than the 'picture perfect' stuff.  So, why not get down to the nitty gritty and share my "right now".Hahaha

Tuesday, December 9, 2014, 12:00pm:

Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree . . . No really! Oh, [poor]Christmas tree!

It happened.  You put a Christmas tree within the reach of a VERY curious and daring toddler --every single day, all day.  It's bound to happen.

I think it would make me feel a little better to say "the twins pulled our Christmas tree over".  But, poor Elly.  She had absolutely nothing to do with it.  Just Liam.  He tested his strength and didn't stop before it came crashing down.

Why I chose to get Lasik eye surgery

I had wanted Lasik since it first came out.  I started wearing glasses when I was 7 years old, and I wore contacts for the first time at age 12.  Since 1989, I have needed a prescription in order to see and functional normally.

Sometime around 2005 or so, I tried using 'extended wear' contacts.  You know, the ones that are supposed to feel like nothing is there while you are awake and asleep... yeah right!  I still had to remove them before sleeping because I would still wake from a burning sensation and have them stuck to my eyeballs.

The last time we held hands...

I honestly can't even remember.

It's no secret that there will always be ups and downs in a marriage  --in any relationship, really.  But keeping secrets will definitely cause more downs than ups.   Lies become heart-ripping.

How much of this can a person withstand?

Only God can repair these breaks in my heart...

Lies.

Life is never "perfect".  There will always be challenges.

But no matter how prepared one is for life to never be "perfect", lies hurt.

Lies destroy.

Lies betray.

Lies can only go so far...

How Occupational Therapy is working out for Sensory Processing Disorder

KJ has successfully completed three OT visits.  She says that it's the most fun she's ever had in her "whole life!".  :)

The first visit, I quietly observed.  My eyes constantly filled up with tears, with each new activity.  There was something so extremely different about watching KJ accomplish tasks that would/could normally cause major meltdowns and major tears of frustration.  She was so relaxed.  She, for the first time in a very long time, looked like a happy, joyful, kid again!  I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with emotion as I watched her balance, climb, zip-line, problem solve, and push herself to reach her goals --all with such a great sense of pride and self-control (she's normally way too tough on herself and constantly overwhelmed or frustrated, especially when trying new things or trying to do something she's uncomfortable with).

October 2014: Sensory Awareness Month (and what it means to my family now)

It's 3:11am and I just can't sleep.  I"ve been awake since 7am, yesterday morning.  I just can't turn my mind off tonight... so much to sift through...

Last week, KJ was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).

M y   K J   h a s   S P D.  (and "highly suspected Aspergers")

I'm pretty sure none of this has sunk in, for me, yet.  Because if it had, I wouldn't still feel light headed, nervous, anxious, sad, and very confused every time I'm reminded of the realities we are facing . . . would I?  I mean, having the "official diagnoses", of SPD, doesn't change much around here.  Life still goes on as it did before the diagnoses (with major modifications on the parental side).  Our KJ is still "our little KJ".  It did, however, bring a huge sense of relief.  Really.  It confirmed my 'mommy intuitions'.

Ready to shine my sink already!

I have SERIOUSLY been trying to "shine my sink" for three weeks now.  I'm pretty sure this is week number four.  Dishes just never go away.  Like NEVER!  After dinner, I just don't have energy, or motivation, to get up and clean more dishes --again!  I can't be the only one.

Do we own too many dishes?  Is there a such thing as a 'perfect amount' to own?  I'm seriously ready to just throw everything away and start fresh.  Really.


I came across FlyLady.net, and I am loving everything I read.  I'm currently just trying to 'get started'.  Her very First Baby Step is to Shine Your Sink.  That's supposed to be 'Day 1' of her Baby Steps.  ha!  How about 'Month 1'?!  :(

Sitting here crying, letting it all out for a bit.

4am... (this might be a bunch of "ramblings")

I'm literally sitting here crying over reading things about large families and how to "make it all work".  I probably don't really fall into the "large family" category, but, for me, we are a large family right now.  I say "right now" only because, I'm sure once the twins get a bit older, things won't feel so repetitive? ...where I feel I'm doing for 4, maybe even 5, toddlers

And I really haven't blogged much about a lot of other things that have been going on in my life, but I strongly believe that KJ has SPD, Sensory Processing Disorder, or something similar. (I've done online assessments, from great sites I've found, and too much lines up and points in that direction.  It's sad, heartbreaking, frustrating, concerning, but, please understand where I am coming from when I also say, "relieving".  So much has gone on for so many years.  And there is a sense of relief feeling like my 'mommy intuition' hasn't been crazy... It may not be that she just doesn't care.  It may be

It's a little difficult to accept... again.

Life has been feeling very "normal".  I've been loving everything so much --gardening, playing outside with all three kiddos, running errands, taking the kids to visit my parents... Everything was feeling so 'uppity'.  So, why?  Why must endo force its ugly self back in so horribly?

I realize, now, how comfortable I had become, not dealing with the daily challenges of fighting endo.  I dealt with episodes throughout my entire pregnancy.  Even after delivery, it came and went, it altered what I could and couldn't do.  But over the past week, I've realized how minimal it was, compared to what it has been in the past.  This past week has reminded me how far I've come, how my pain tolerance has changed, and how
paralyzing endo episodes can be.  I had actually forgotten.

The twins are napping... time to blog!!!

I've missed blogging.  I don't make time for it these days.  I'd much rather eat, nap, clean, shower, or just sit, while the twins are occupied or napping.

So, a quick update:

KJ is still 9, counting down to her August birthday, to celebrate her first double-digit birthday.  She's enjoying really cool sciences classes this summer.  No soccer this summer.  (we missed out on the registration date).  She's enjoying her summer so far --although, on days with more chores and responsibilities, she very quickly lets me know that I'm making it "the worst summer ever!".  eh.  It's what every mother lives for, right?!  ha!

The many roles...

To the housekeeper:

You've really been slacking.  I can't stand it around here any more.  You kept the place so nice and clean for about three weeks and then you stopped.  I don't know what happened, exactly.  I mean, I hear that your health has major ups and downs.  I hear you deal with chronic pain -which leads to your random exhaustion.  I'm assuming my housework isn't your only job...  Oh, yeah, I know you have kids and all.  I know they keep you up to odd hours, when you would normally be sleeping.  I'm just not sure what to do at this point.  I mean, I need you to step it up, suck it up, and get back on point.  The rest of my family, obviously, has much more important things going on.  I mean, you must continue picking up and taking out the trash every single night.  You must  keep the dishes and kitchen clean, at all times.  You are the sole dish washer around here, don't forget that.  Oh, and don't just leave the laundry laying around!  The clean clothes can't just get piled in the laundry room.  You have to actually fold and go put each piece away, exactly where it is needed (if you set it out in nice piles for each person to take on their own, it won't ever get done and they'll just end up getting thrown back into a pile).  No one has time for all that;

You're unwelcome here

Dear Endo,

I do not appreciate the fact that you force your way into my life.  I have had enough of you already; yet, you just continue to take, take, take, from me.  

Today, for instance, you took advantage of the fact that I was already flustered, packing up, trying to take a road trip.  You thought it was great timing to disrupt my activity.  You put a sudden halt to everything.  All I was doing was buckling up some car seats.  What is supposed to be such a simple task led to gut wrenching pain (shooting down my hip --it felt as if someone was trying to twist my leg right off!).  I refused to move while you overstayed your unwelcomed visit.  I sat and tried to ignore you, but you were determined to get my attention.  The overwhelming hot flash kicked in when the pain hit its' peak and my blood pressure rose as I sat, flustered, in pain. 

I guess it's just not enough for you that you have already forced your way into the last 19 years of my life, bombarded my life with infertility and then secondary infertility.  You limit my everyday 'normal' activities and you wedge your ugly self in my intimate life as well.  Don't you see, Endo, you're not going to win?!  I refuse to let you drag me down.  Sure, you get my undivided attention when you want, but it doesn't mean you rule my life, you know.  Some day, somehow, some incredible discovery will come around and I, along with many, many, other women, will not only cry tears of joy as I rid you from my life for good, I will laugh in your face, sing and shout with joy, and I will never, ever, EVER, have to sit back and let you push me around again!

I'll never give up.
Yours truly,

Michelle/Endo Warrior/Daily Survivor/Mom of three beautiful miracles

Time change... time for change...

Wide awake.  This time change is kicking my butt.  Seriously!

I've been online watching YouTube videos of Boyce Avenue --like it's been well over an hour now.  I'm totally amazed and in love with the sound and vocal blends of these artists/musicians.  And so my wheels start a-churnin'.

I have recently been presented with an amazing opportunity and I think my own fears and insecurities might be the only thing really, truly, stopping me from leaping in with both feet.  What a shame, right?  Let me back up a bit here...

In January, there was one night that Chris and I were listening to worship songs, live recordings on YouTube.  I broke down at the sight of outstretched hands, a mass of people worshiping and opening up their hearts to God.  I re-shared with Chris a vision I once had, when I was a worship leader for a local youth ministry.  I was just a teen, myself, yet, I was so certain of what God had shown me.  I expressed my sadness about how I feel it all went away so quickly.  I questioned, out loud, in conversation, if maybe I failed to use my gifts and talents for the Lord and now he had taken them.  I sat in silence briefly and then said, "Oh well, I guess God is working in me and may have other things for me to do during this season.  I hope I didn't completely miss the boat...  At least I had a taste of it.".  And I went back to sitting and listening, and watching, in silence, my heart aching and my mind filled with questions.  And then I felt God loving on me.  I shared with Chris what immediately ran through my head, "Well... I'm not dead yet! (we laughed)  My time's not over and I can still live out that dream and vision!..."  Saying it out loud put a huge smile back on my face and I felt God's reassurance --those words were so true.  God's NOT done with me yet!

That week, I began praying for new beginnings, new opportunities, and new ways to grow and stretch my faith.  I prayed to grow my love for God and to take new steps as His servant.  I started craving opportunities to serve again and I really focused on different ways I could live my life 'out loud' this year and 'not hold back' in these areas.  I asked God to close doors that just weren't right for me (and my marriage) anymore, and open new doors --doors that I never knew existed and that would take me to new places, doing great things for the Lord.

The very next month, February, we began to see new doors opening.  Yet, here I am, now in March, still trying to 'figure it all out':  how can I balance ministry work and my family?  How can I commit when I don't even have a reliable vehicle at the moment?  How can I go back to leading worship when my memory just plain stinks right now?! (lol seriously!  I have the worst memory when it comes to learning new lyrics -it's gotten worse the older I've gotten; and I'm only 31!!  How sad.)  Will my children be okay while I'm away?  Will we miss out as a family? ... So, all these questions, and "ifs" and "buts" keep running through my mind.  I know God is bigger than all my insecurities.  My nerves are valid, but if it's truly His will, He will make it all work out for His glory!

I know what I want to do --I want to leap with both feet and get out there, doing great things for God, again.  But facing reality is scary sometimes --the reality of raising my babies and making it all balance out just right.  The reality that I will probably mess up a lot of lyrics, because it happens, I know, and life will just go on.  I've never felt this way before --almost like having stage fright, which I've NEVER had.  But it's strange because it's so much more than the literal meaning of being 'on stage'.  It's a HUGE responsibility.  But then, at the same time, it's such a humbling honor to see that God trusts me... me!  --Again.

God is so amazing.  So loving and forgiving.  So merciful and gracious.  I asked and here it is; He showed up in such a HUGE way . . . now it's time for me to either take that leap and 'live out loud', or let it pass me by, while I raise my babies, and pray another opportunity like this comes around again.

To My Husband

Dear hunny,

Today, I surprisingly fell in love with you all over again.  It feels wonderful ... like a new-found joy . . . a giddy little tickle in my tummy . . . maybe it really was your new frames (hehe), or the way you attacked me with kisses, even though I was a sweaty mess.  Or maybe it was the helpful heart I saw, as you very quickly and willingly cleaned up the downstairs area, while I was cooking.  Or maybe it was that you did such a sweet thing and surprised KJ today, when you drove to go pick up her bff.

I can't really explain why or how.  I just know that my heart opened up to you in a new, fresh, way again.  It's been a while, huh?  We knew that having 'a baby' was going to change our relationship and put some things on hold.  But we didn't have a clue

Increasing Milk Supply (#3), days 49-56: Formula and Asparagus.

Day 49:  2/19/14
I started my third menstrual cycle.  "Yay!" for a working body and consecutive cycles (something I've never naturally had).  But a huge "BOOOOOO" that it caused my milk supply drop to probably the lowest it's ever been.  :(

In the last week, I used up the three bags of frozen milk.  I have NO backup breast milk anymore.


Day 51:  2/21214
Chris bought formula.

Increasing milk supply (#3), Day 32.

Day 32:  1/30/14

4:00am
I just pumped 3.5 oz.  Not my norm for the past several days, but Elly nursed on both sides, I forgot to take my Levothyroxine yesterday (bad, I know), and I don't think I even remembered to take any of my MotherLove tincture.

Increasing milk supply (#3), Day 31.

Day 31:  1/29/14

I'm exhausted.  I don't feel like pumping.  I don't even feel like getting out of bed.

Liam woke about 2 hours earlier than usual.  I napped with him, as soon as he finished his bottle.  A very, very, short 40 mins later, Elly woke, demanding to eat.  I tried to hurry and pump the side she doesn't normally use in the morning.  Pumped only about 7oz, instead of my usual 14-16oz.  So disappointing, but it's my own fault!  I know I should pump while Liam is drinking his bottle.  He always wakes before her.  Always.

Increasing milk supply (#3), Day 30.

Day 30:  1/28/14

I was able to freeze 7 ounces of milk today!!  Praise God!!  That brings me to a grand total of TWO bags in our deep freezer.

Oh, how wonderful it feels to fill it up, zip it shut, and place it in the deep freezer.

My heart used to sink to my stomach every time I'd open the deep freezer.  Because it was once taken over by precious, priceless, "liquid platinum", as my midwife once called it.  It's been completely empty -of my milk, that is- for too long.  Now, even just one bag makes my heart flutter with joy!!

Today's Total:  32.5 oz; Pumped 4x

Read more about my journey: 

• Increasing my milk supply (#3) Days 1-29
• Increasing milk supply (#3), Day 31
• Increasing milk supply (#3), Day 32.
• Increasing milk supply (#3), Days 49-56

Increasing my milk supply (#3) Days 1-29

I think I can safely say that my milk supply is finally making a comeback!

First of all I want to give all the praises to God.  I know that without His strength and blessings, I would have given up a LONG time ago.

Operation More Milk #3:
On December 30, 2012, I decided I needed to 'roll up my sleeves', put my 'big girl pants on', 'suck it up', and work on increasing my milk supply -again.
*Operation More Milk #1 started when I gave birth to my preemie twins, May 20, 2012.  Operation More Milk #2 started when I had to start exclusively pumping for Liam on July 14, 2012 (read about Liam's 'latch issues' here).  I worked my way from having to pump five to eight times a day, seriously exhausting (pumping anywhere from 37-52 oz; yes, I have it all saved in an app.), down to only needing to pump twice a day (in mid-September and still pumping approximately 30-40oz.).  Now that was the perfect scenario.  And then I decided to change my diet.  My milk supply dropped in October (read about it here) and I hoped and prayed it would get back to "normal" but I really didn't take action right then and there.  I dug into my frozen stash; after all, that's what it was for, right?  And then I ran out...

Recipe: Tuna with baby spinach (one of my top favorites)

It's so easy to prepare and it takes very little time.  In just minutes you'll be enjoying a yummy healthy snack or meal (depending on portion).

5oz
Solid white tuna, packed in water. 

Baby spinach

Sea salt

Black pepper

Green olives

Lime or Lemon (optional)

What I like about this quick meal, besides the fact that I LOVE tuna, there are so many different ways to enjoy it.  Add your favorite