Time to let go...

I've been up and down lately, with emotions.  I've been feeling really confused and sad and then really confident and joyful.  I've been trying to evaluate my life, thinking there needs to be some serious changes.  My marriage is still healing and I am working on myself —to be Love in my marriage (forgiving, kind and gentle with my actions and words, slow to anger, not holding grudges, etc.).  I am constantly reminding myself to "let go" of our battle with infertility and my battle with endometriosis.  I've been working on not letting myself turn bitter because of what has "happened" to me (in my marriage, with my health, and in my past —unfortunately, yes, it still finds a way to creep into my head and heart).  I'm working on staying away from the "Me" syndrome.  I don't want to have a pity party.  I want to just shake it off and keep moving forward. (easier said than done)

Today was a great day.  I felt great.  I felt "together".  I felt motivated.  Then, out of nowhere, around 8pm, the sadness and frustration took over.  I managed to overcome the heavy feelings and I was thankful to God...  then I came across a new blog, a great blog, Uncover Ministries.  It talks about having courage and letting go.  It stirred something inside of me.  I know I have a lot of healing to do.  Next month will be 5 years since I've known that I need to face the dark places of my past —and I still haven't. (I thought it wasn't an issue anymore and then right when I was about to turn 25 it hit me like a ton of bricks.)  I haven't known where to start.  The most I've faced anything is just having quiet time with God about it.  I confided in a friend last summer and we casually talked about our pasts.  But it only caused me to realize even more dark places of my past —parts of my past that I had been blind to see, until that conversation.  It confused, angered, hurt, and shook me up all over again.

So, as I read through the Uncover Ministries blog, it made me question "How much more courage must I need in order to face my past and actually "let go"?"  I really thought I had faced it and let go —enough to live my 'adult life'.  I sat and thought . . . and prayed.  I really need to find that starting point.  I'm realizing now that I have a lot more "letting go" than I originally thought.  I want to find that place in my life where I no longer carry the heaviness, anxiety, hurt, and anger of my past.

This song came to mind as I thought whether or not to post.  As much as I wondered what "others" might think after reading this post, the reminder that I'm not alone in this, and the thought that this might help someone else tonight, outweighed any concerns and hesitations I had...

Be blessed and stay encouraged!

(music video below)
Whatever You're Doing
by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

[Chorus]
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

[Chorus]

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

Always learning patience

Today is cd35, 21dpo.  The only pms symptoms I have are: Endo has been flaring up on and off for about two weeks now, been on a moody roller coaster since Sunday, lower back has been stiff and in a lot of pain since Monday, insomnia since Monday or Tuesday, my "tatas", or as Chris likes to call them, my "pillows", have been sore since last night, and now I'm pretty convinced that I have strep!  :(  It's been a very interesting week, to say the least.  ha!

I've taken 5 hpts, all have been 'negative'.  :(  I think this is just a cruel, cruel, joke my body is playing on me!  I felt SO close to finally taking the next step, IVF, and I was sooo anxious to get to my 'Day 3' blood work done so we can take the first steps needed, to plan out IVF.  But instead... my body is holding back on me.  Or I'm actually pregnant?  I know that miracles happen.  I believe God's timing is perfect.  But I really thought I would have seen the RE this week to start everything —yet, here we are —just waiting...and waiting.  I had been having shorter cycles the last few months and I guess now my body wants to make up for it.  Way to go!  Day 35.

I'm always learning patience, but at the same time I'm having to fight off negative thoughts and OVER-excited thoughts, too.  It's extremely exhausting.

I just wanted some answers already.  The only answer I'm getting is a big fat negative (times 5).

I hear you, God... I'll keep my eyes set on you.  You hear my cries.  You hold my aching heart... 

Oooh, a song just came to mind (I LOVE THIS SONG!! but I couldn't find a video link):

You Are Faithful
-Kim Walker-Smith-
 
My heart aches for you my God
My soul waits for you my God
I’ve come far to find you here
In this place will I draw near
And your spirit soars me
to the highest heights
From where I'll not look back
I’ll keep trusting You

For I know You are faithful, my God [2x]

From the land of the barren
We will cry out for rain
Fill our hearts God
I’ll keep trusting You

For I know You are faithful, my God [4x]

Your spirit inside me holds me close
The wonderful presence I let go
I cleanse my hands
You burn my heart
I cry out for love
You set me apart

And your spirit soars me
to the highest heights
From where I am not look back
I’ll keep trusting You

For I know You are faithful, my God [5x]

Let the waters rise

Things have changed...  Nothing "new"; just unfortunately repeating the same 'ol situations —again.  It's out of my control.  Now I just have to re-evaluate where I am in life and make my next step.  Not sure which direction to go.  Continue TTC?  Continue expanding my family?  It seems a little unfair to have this burning desire to conceive and just put it to an end —for the rest of this year at least.

I know God is holding me together.  I know I'm not alone in this.  I just find myself needing to remind myself "it's going to be okay; I don't know how —or when; but eventually everything will settle into place —the way it's meant to be..."



Mikeschair Let The Waters Rise Lyrics
Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?

sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
'Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach

God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

Ohhh

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

Ohhh

Lupron. Day 6

So far, things have not been as bad as I expected them to be. Last night was probably the worst with hot flashes and other 'craziness'. I wonder how much worse it's going to get?! Everything I read mentioned that the first two weeks were the absolute worse . . . I'm still waiting for the "worse" part of it. What if this is as bad as it gets? Hmm...

KJ's getting better :)
Last night, we watched Fame and she showed off all her famous dance moves and self composed songs! It was fabulous!!

My days, lately, have just been full of up and downs. I'm wishing I lived by a beach. I would LOVE to just go sit, read, watch the sun set, or rise, and hear the water . . . I do really need a little get-away. Something peaceful. Somewhere to just lay it all out, take it all in, and come back ready to face it all with a new understanding and new hope.

I will end with my current favorite songs:

mikeschair - Let the Waters Rise
From the album Mikeschair
Don't know where to begin
It's like my worlds caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here

Sometimes it's so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
but I am willing to go where You want me to
God I Trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees

So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
Cuz you'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
Your never out of reach

God You know where I've been
And You were there with me then
You were faithful before You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees

So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees

So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You


Brandon Heath - Love Never Fails
From the album What If We
Love is not proud
Love does not boast
Love after all
Matters the most

Love does not run
Love does not hide
Love does not keep
Locked inside

Love is the river that flows through
Love never fails you

Love will sustain
Love will provide
Love will not cease
At the end of time

Love will protect
Love always hopes
Love still believes
When you don't

Love is the arms that are holding you
Love never fails you

When my heart won't make a sound
When I can't turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this
Greater than this

Love is right here
Love is alive
Love is the way
The truth the life

Love is the river that flows through
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love is the place you will fly to
Love never fails you