Dear hunny,
Today, I surprisingly fell in love with you all over again. It feels wonderful ... like a new-found joy . . . a giddy little tickle in my tummy . . . maybe it really was your new frames (hehe), or the way you attacked me with kisses, even though I was a sweaty mess. Or maybe it was the helpful heart I saw, as you very quickly and willingly cleaned up the downstairs area, while I was cooking. Or maybe it was that you did such a sweet thing and surprised KJ today, when you drove to go pick up her bff.
I can't really explain why or how. I just know that my heart opened up to you in a new, fresh, way again. It's been a while, huh? We knew that having 'a baby' was going to change our relationship and put some things on hold. But we didn't have a clue
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
March 2, 2014
December 12, 2013
Working on our 'night time routine'
I should be crafting the Christmas gifts, shopping online for last minute Christmas craft supplies, working on my new blog project, cleaning, washing the dirty diapers, sleeping.
Since the twins have been home, my sleep schedule has gone in all different directions. I'm currently on the "night time is my only 'me time' and I have stuff I need to do" (lack of) sleep schedule. Then, during the daytime, I've been working to get them on the same schedule. They have gone back and forth a couple of times, over the last few months. Finally, they are back on the same schedule, but that also means
Since the twins have been home, my sleep schedule has gone in all different directions. I'm currently on the "night time is my only 'me time' and I have stuff I need to do" (lack of) sleep schedule. Then, during the daytime, I've been working to get them on the same schedule. They have gone back and forth a couple of times, over the last few months. Finally, they are back on the same schedule, but that also means
November 16, 2013
Still searching.
Broken.
Broken down.
Fixable. But currently in a state of needing repair.
That's how I currently feel.
I'm tired...Exhausted... drained to the last drop --Physically, emotionally, mentally... is there any other way to feel so broken; if so, add it to the list.
Earlier today, I did the only thing I know to do when I feel this broken. I blasted the worship music throughout the house, closed my eyes, lifted my hands, and sang my heart out. What a release I felt! Wow. God has never left me. He's here --holding me and carrying me through.
*I was so desperate for some "me and God time" I forced it: KJ was at the table, 8 ft away, doing schoolwork. Liam was on the floor napping, 2 ft away. And Elly was only centimeters away from the back of my neck, hanging out in the Boba.
I'm so very, very, thankful for the life I have. I have three beautiful blessings and a hard-working husband. However, it seems as though I'm still trying to figure out how to balance everything. I'm not sure how to find that perfect balance. Does it even exist? Or is that what life is --searching and readjusting, constantly, and making the best of everything along the way? Because, just when you think you have it . . . BAM! Everything changes and it's time to start all over again.
I feel like I suddenly have a thousand and one things on my plate and it's finally weighing me down... I try not to complain (Chris might feel differently about this. Ha!) and I really try to stay loving and positive in all situations. But, seriously, can I get some 'Personal Time Off' or 'Vacation Time' -even if only for an hour or two? (I don't even know what I would do IF I had some 'time off' but laying still, staring at the ceiling, without a SINGLE interruption, really would feel like a mini vacation!) In this new chapter of life, I either need amazing strength to continue pushing through; or I need to figure out a positive and loving way to get everyone on board and pull some more weight around here. Or I'm afraid I just might seriously crash and burn very soon. Hm, maybe a little of both?!
You know, I had always heard how going from one child to two children is the hardest adjustment and then adding a third is so easy. But what about going straight from one child to three children? Is there some kind of crash course, or Cliff Notes, for this kind of transition?! Can't we just eat out or order-in for every meal? Oh, and let's throw in house cleaning services while we're at it! Wait, do they include laundry services too?
What's your household and family flow like? Do you have any tips/solutions that you've learned along the way? I'm sure it could save me some weeks, months, and even years, of trial and error!
Broken down.
Fixable. But currently in a state of needing repair.
That's how I currently feel.
I'm tired...Exhausted... drained to the last drop --Physically, emotionally, mentally... is there any other way to feel so broken; if so, add it to the list.
Earlier today, I did the only thing I know to do when I feel this broken. I blasted the worship music throughout the house, closed my eyes, lifted my hands, and sang my heart out. What a release I felt! Wow. God has never left me. He's here --holding me and carrying me through.
*I was so desperate for some "me and God time" I forced it: KJ was at the table, 8 ft away, doing schoolwork. Liam was on the floor napping, 2 ft away. And Elly was only centimeters away from the back of my neck, hanging out in the Boba.
I'm so very, very, thankful for the life I have. I have three beautiful blessings and a hard-working husband. However, it seems as though I'm still trying to figure out how to balance everything. I'm not sure how to find that perfect balance. Does it even exist? Or is that what life is --searching and readjusting, constantly, and making the best of everything along the way? Because, just when you think you have it . . . BAM! Everything changes and it's time to start all over again.
I feel like I suddenly have a thousand and one things on my plate and it's finally weighing me down... I try not to complain (Chris might feel differently about this. Ha!) and I really try to stay loving and positive in all situations. But, seriously, can I get some 'Personal Time Off' or 'Vacation Time' -even if only for an hour or two? (I don't even know what I would do IF I had some 'time off' but laying still, staring at the ceiling, without a SINGLE interruption, really would feel like a mini vacation!) In this new chapter of life, I either need amazing strength to continue pushing through; or I need to figure out a positive and loving way to get everyone on board and pull some more weight around here. Or I'm afraid I just might seriously crash and burn very soon. Hm, maybe a little of both?!
You know, I had always heard how going from one child to two children is the hardest adjustment and then adding a third is so easy. But what about going straight from one child to three children? Is there some kind of crash course, or Cliff Notes, for this kind of transition?! Can't we just eat out or order-in for every meal? Oh, and let's throw in house cleaning services while we're at it! Wait, do they include laundry services too?
What's your household and family flow like? Do you have any tips/solutions that you've learned along the way? I'm sure it could save me some weeks, months, and even years, of trial and error!
September 11, 2013
Facing Reality
2:48amI'm still awake. The twins have been sleeping for about an hour now; yet, here I am —still awake. I'm just not sleepy.
I've neglected blogging for many reasons. The main reason is I lack time management skills right now. The hidden reason is I don't know exactly what to write about anymore. Strange, I know. This blog has gone through my many different seasons: happy marriage, troubled marriage, parenting a public schooled child, homeschooling, fostering/adoption journey, infertility/trying to conceive, aggravating health issues, IVF, twin pregnancy, and now... learning how to raise babies all over again and readjusting to a "new normal".
I wish I made time everyday to write a little something about our day. But honestly, each entry would basically be the same: "I fed the babies. We played with them. They smiled and coo'd. Cloth diapering is still awesome and going very well. They cried. They napped. I'm exhausted. KJ had a great (or not-so-great) day. My emotions kind of suck again today... etc." ::pause:: yeah, my emotions really do kind of suck and that's what I'm choosing to blog about tonight. I've always tried to be myself and keep things "real" here, on my blog. Well, this is real. My life right now is super crazy at times, with feedings, diaper changes, sleep deprivation, 9 yr old melt-downs, and unspoken tension. However, my life right now is also super blessed! I mean, serious prayers have been answered. God blessed our family with way more than we ever imagined. But hormones and emotions still feel out of whack and sometimes I feel like I'm loosing my joy (not my "I'm in love with my babies" joy (that's still at 100%!!). More like my "I'm in love with life", as a whole, kind of joy).
All I want to do is lay around and only get up to feed my babies, really. In my mind, I always plan tomorrow out to be different. "I'm going to wake up at a decent hour and do something with my day." I always plan to go for a walk or clean 'this' and 'that'. I always plan on organizing something around the house to get somewhat of my 'old self' back. But I either feel too exhausted and I'd rather not use up my "resting time" to clean and organize or I just don't "feel like it". Yet, I can't stand that every day goes by and I don't do enough cleaning or organizing around here. Doesn't make much sense. I want to but I don't. I think it's more like I've lost the "care" to do anything other than take care of my children.
That can't be healthy, right?
Now, after having my first daughter, back in 2004, I fell into [postpartum] depression. I had no idea then. I didn't figure it out until years later. I looked back and realized that I really wasn't the healthiest, emotionally, that I could have been. This time around, I kept saying I knew what to look for. I fought hard in the beginning to stay focused on all the positive around me. I openly discussed my thoughts and feelings with Chris and others that asked. I felt "ready", in a sense, to tackle the postpartum stage.
Lately, I've started to wonder "what really qualifies as clinical depression?". I'm only human. I know that it's okay to have some low feelings. I know that not every moment of every day will feel wonderful. I know that this is just a phase and horrible concoction of 'new mommy hormones', sleep deprivation, mixed with health issues and a very slow recovery from the c-section —all on top of Chris recently going back to working 12+ hr days (after having 12 weeks off), leaving me to feel like I'm doing this all alone. And I feel like such a baby when I fall into the "I'm just so tired" [whiny] mind set. I knew I was going to have to be the one up with them during the night, since Chris leaves for work as early as 6am on most days. I knew that I would be caring for three children during the day. I just had no idea that my body would take this long to fully recover. I had also forgotten what it felt like to get absolutely NO break from the never ending 'baby days'.
I will definitely take responsibility where needed: my eating habits. I have gone nuts-o with eating whatever I want, however much of it I want. It's so HORRIBLE!!! I've always been an emotional eater and right now it's probably at it's worse! It's just a viscous, never-ending, cycle. I wake up feeling blah, so I eat whatever I find. Then my body feels uck again and I think of something else "yummy" to go and munch on. Then I get bummed out that I'm just eating junk . . . and yes, then I go and eat more junk! And I've read and heard so much about how food affects moods. These last few days, I've really tried to be more mindful about what I'm putting in my body. I'm trying to get back to the healthier mind-set I had while I was pregnant, working hard to keep my babies healthy and in as long as possible.
So, I decided to be a bit transparent about this phase of my life right now in hopes to gain some insight from others' experiences and also in hopes to help others know that battling these ups and downs is "normal". It might not be a healthy normal but regardless, it happens and no one is alone in this. That I do know.
I am in constant prayer and I do know that soon I will be able to look back on this time and know it was only part of this wonderful journey I am on.
... and now I shall pump and try to get some sleep!
Thanks for your constant support, love, and prayers.
January 16, 2013
Week 16: Avocados and 24
How far along?
16 weeks on 1/16/13!
How big are the twinkies?
According to The Bump, the babies are approximately the size of:
How am I feeling?
So far, I feel this is probably the most energy I've had yet. :) However, if I walk too much or stay on my feet for too long, my back suffers the most. I've been getting real sleepy and ready for bed around 9:30/10pm. —For me, that's rare! (A few nights ago, I fell asleep around 10pm and didn't wake up until almost noon!!)
Weight?
Well, I know I'm pregnant... and I know I will be gaining weight; but I admit, I was shocked when I got on the scale and saw a total weight gain of 4 pounds! (What happened to just teeter-tottering half an ounce here and there?!)
I'll get real: with my first pregnancy, I started at 122. After 8 weeks of bed rest, and after delivery, I weighed 176. That change was very very hard for me. From then to before this current pregnancy, the lowest my weight had gone was only about 164. But then, unfortunately, I would gain it all back.
So, when we started our IVF journey, my "starting weight" was 176. By making healthier choices (less sugary items, less fried foods, minimal sips of decaff soda and coffee, here and there, zero sweet tea, and only water, water, water, etc.) I have been able to avoid gaining as quickly as I thought I would. I am now weighing 180lbs. It is still uncomfortable for me to see; but I know, with more determination, dedication, and self-control, I can continue to maintain a steady gain throughout this pregnancy. (unless these twinkies are Hulk babies or something... haha!)
Chris had to remind me that 4 pounds in 4 months of pregnancy, from carrying twins, is a great start. I'm so thankful for my hubby!! He really helped me not feel so bad about the new numbers. (again, I know that I will be gaining weight —because I'm pregnant; however, I know many of you understand where I am coming from. Seeing brand new, never before seen, digits on the scale can sometimes be uncomfortable...)
What do I miss?
Being able to brush my teeth without gagging and/or throwing up! I had absolutely no idea this was going to be affected. lol (but I'm not complaining because I had very minimal 'morning sickness'!)
Symptoms?
Lower back pain. Weird ice cold feeling, and sometimes even numbness, on the outside of my left thigh (only an area, not the whole thigh). Super sore and sensitive 'milk makers' —still! :( I thought it would be over by now. Hungry about every hour. Super thirsty. Oh, and I can't forget about my halfway popped out belly button. ;)
Annoyances?
The fact that I wake up super hungry but still too "out of it", sleepy, to go downstairs and gather some breakfast. I need to plan ahead much better —prep something yummy at night, so I can just nook it and eat it in the morning!
Cravings?
Mexican food! —rice, beans, enchiladas. Tacos (all kinds).
Highlights of the week?
I woke up to breakfast in bed three times this week! (Chris had Saturday, Sunday, AND Monday off) My hunny is doing an amazing job taking care of me and the babies as much as he can.
The future nursery is finally getting worked on. :D
At church, I had an amazing, overwhelming, peaceful, moment —God's love is so overwhelming... and incredible! (every song and everything about the the 'message' seemed to make me tear up —just thinking about these two precious miracles that God is allowing me to love and carry... and how much my hunny and I have grown stronger together over the years.)
Also, we now have a swing, activity mat, and boppy, with 2 covers. (got an amazing deal from a friend of a friend.)
Planning and prepping for the gender reveal party has been super exciting! Chris has been a busy bee buying and getting all the decorations and details in order. :) *Only 24 more days until we know the genders of our little twinkies!!!
Belly watch:
November 5, 2012
IVF #1, Day 38: "5 weeks 5 days" of pregnancy
We are only three days away from our first pregnancy ultrasound!
I keep saying "pregnancy ultrasound" because I have had so many "non-pregnancy" related ultrasounds —so I just want to be very clear about it. hee hee ;)
Last night, we were looking online at some really cute "Big Sister", "I'm going to be a big sister", and "Only Child —Expires [due date]" shirts. We had planned on buying one and gifting it to KJ this Friday, as long as the ultrasound showed happy results. We looked on Etsy and found some great ones . . . I got all emotional! lol. I just couldn't help it! The thought of KJ opening up an unexpected present and then seeing, and reading, one of those shirts was too much for my emotions. However, after realizing that, first, we don't know for sure if we are correct on the estimated due date of July, and, second, what if we jump too soon and then get stuck with a shirt that says "July 2013" —and not get the news we are praying for on Friday...? I know that I am "supposed" to be thinking positive, but I am also trying to stay very realistic. I don't want to get my hopes and excitement up too high only to then have to gather emotions and deal with the complete opposite. I'd rather just wait before getting 100% excited and ready to celebrate. You know?
So, we decided on another great "suprise" gift for KJ, after we see what the ultrasound shows.
Lately, my emotions have been everywhere! I don't like not feeling in control of my emotions. I'll feel real sad, depressed, frustrated, irritated, anxious, etc., for no specific reason. Now, when I feel full of joy and happiness, I know there's a very specific reason ;). I have been doing my best to keep my emotions calm and comfortable to be around (lol). I'm not too sure how well I'm doing...
Other Symptoms/Changes:
Chris and I have really come even closer together. I really didn't think that was even possible right now. We've been in such a great place in our marriage —I had no idea it could just keep getting better and better. Praise God!! **But we definitely aren't perfect. Since my moods are everywhere, there have definitely been some moments of frustration, or losing our "cool", over silly things. But the fact that things get resolved very quickly and we still feel all giddy and in love —that's the GREATness I'm thankful for. Sorry if it's too corny . . .wait, nope, I'm not really sorry. I LOVE being corny and in love with my husband!! :)
We are currently taking a poll on our Life Happens facebook page, asking what you think we will see on our first ultrasound, this Friday, November 9th: One baby? Twins? Triplets? or even More? (wow) Remember, it's all in fun; so stop by and place your vote!
I keep saying "pregnancy ultrasound" because I have had so many "non-pregnancy" related ultrasounds —so I just want to be very clear about it. hee hee ;)
Last night, we were looking online at some really cute "Big Sister", "I'm going to be a big sister", and "Only Child —Expires [due date]" shirts. We had planned on buying one and gifting it to KJ this Friday, as long as the ultrasound showed happy results. We looked on Etsy and found some great ones . . . I got all emotional! lol. I just couldn't help it! The thought of KJ opening up an unexpected present and then seeing, and reading, one of those shirts was too much for my emotions. However, after realizing that, first, we don't know for sure if we are correct on the estimated due date of July, and, second, what if we jump too soon and then get stuck with a shirt that says "July 2013" —and not get the news we are praying for on Friday...? I know that I am "supposed" to be thinking positive, but I am also trying to stay very realistic. I don't want to get my hopes and excitement up too high only to then have to gather emotions and deal with the complete opposite. I'd rather just wait before getting 100% excited and ready to celebrate. You know?
So, we decided on another great "suprise" gift for KJ, after we see what the ultrasound shows.
Lately, my emotions have been everywhere! I don't like not feeling in control of my emotions. I'll feel real sad, depressed, frustrated, irritated, anxious, etc., for no specific reason. Now, when I feel full of joy and happiness, I know there's a very specific reason ;). I have been doing my best to keep my emotions calm and comfortable to be around (lol). I'm not too sure how well I'm doing...
Other Symptoms/Changes:
- Nausea still just comes and goes —mostly right after I eat.
- (embarrassing symptoms: gas... too much! lol and I'm no longer "regular" and I don't like it!)
- I no longer fit into my undies comfortably —along with my clothes :( but I'm too hesitant to wear maternity clothes right now. I'd feel so silly. (I've gone up about 2-3 sizes, all in about two weeks! :( I don't think it's OHSS because I don't fit any of the symptoms, but the extreme bloating is ridiculous!) But I'm sure I look pretty goofy trying to stretch my clothes out the way I have been. haha So... I prefer to just hide out at home, inside. *hm, maybe that has a lot to do with my low moods?! lol. I'm just now piecing this together.*
- Endo pain creeps in throughout the day and night if I put too much pressure on my belly (bending, laying, sitting, stretching out too much, etc).
- Most confusing changes right now is a perfect tie between my taste being way "off", things just don't taste the same right now (jalapenos, my favorite did NOT taste right yesterday and even smelled like lettuce instead of spicy! lol. Menudo used to be something I really enjoyed and now I can't stand it! :( Oh, and I really don't like peanut butter right now —which is just NOT normal for me... I used to love peanut butter. How sad.), and being sleepy all day but not being able to fall asleep at night... I just don't understand these changes.
Chris and I have really come even closer together. I really didn't think that was even possible right now. We've been in such a great place in our marriage —I had no idea it could just keep getting better and better. Praise God!! **But we definitely aren't perfect. Since my moods are everywhere, there have definitely been some moments of frustration, or losing our "cool", over silly things. But the fact that things get resolved very quickly and we still feel all giddy and in love —that's the GREATness I'm thankful for. Sorry if it's too corny . . .wait, nope, I'm not really sorry. I LOVE being corny and in love with my husband!! :)
We are currently taking a poll on our Life Happens facebook page, asking what you think we will see on our first ultrasound, this Friday, November 9th: One baby? Twins? Triplets? or even More? (wow) Remember, it's all in fun; so stop by and place your vote!
October 20, 2012
IVF #1, Day 19-22: The waiting game continues...
Tears, tears, and more tears...
I thought I would be emotional from the menopur, follistim, ganirelix, etc; instead, I'm emotional while on progesterone. Is that normal? I'm flustered often and feel "blue" most days. So many thoughts run through my head and I work at staying occupied, to avoid more emotions and thoughts.
We are currently down to one car (and it's the one that is in worse condition) —Bummer! Also, we are looking to re-home our adorable German Shepherd puppy, that we got for KJ. —I feel so very sorry for KJ. It's not her fault, nor the puppy's, that my health and capabilities are not where they need to be in order to raise a puppy, her size (approximately 35-40lbs, maybe more?). I can't risk throwing my back out again. I can't risk being layed out from severe endo flare-ups. And most importantly, I can't risk, messing up this round of IVF over a pup —no matter how adorable and fun she can be... The fact of the matter is that she is more than what I can do right now and I don't know what kind of limitations my future may hold.
On top of all the other stuff, I have not been working, so things are getting tighter and tighter right now. I have to say, thankfully, we are in a very good place in our relationship, because last year, all these things, piled on top of one another, we would have been at each others throats, with intense silent treatments, daily —probably. So, praise God for growth and unconditional love!
We got through the first part of "the wait". Now, we just have to make it 'til Saturday... I really think this week will be tougher than the last.
I haven't been sleeping well at all —tossing and turning all night long, with sweaty-hot and shivering-cold flashes. Also, I've been having very intense, uncomfortable, dreams (where I or my family are in danger).
Today is day 22. We are still on 1cc of progesterone, nightly. Tonight was the first night I needed to switch to my left butt cheek. Tonight's injection was our 11th progesterone injection (10 were all on my right side, all bunched up in about the size of a quarter). Last night, I think Chris passed through a blood vessel or something, because it's super duper sore AND has a puffy green bump (reminds me of when I used to pop blood vessels, on my wrist(s), when I used to play volleyball —but on my butt. lol) It HURTS!!! :(
side effects that I've notice:
super sleepy (like needing several hours of a nap during the day to make it through 'til bedtime)
I get crazy "munchies"
Super thristy
sore "boobos"
very irritable
more random endo episodes
...so basically, it's like a very long stretch of PMS (poor Chris and KJ!)
Sorry I haven't been blogging everyday, these past few days. It just feels a little depressing that my only updates, really, are "very emotional again today"... lol I hope it ends soon.
I thought I would be emotional from the menopur, follistim, ganirelix, etc; instead, I'm emotional while on progesterone. Is that normal? I'm flustered often and feel "blue" most days. So many thoughts run through my head and I work at staying occupied, to avoid more emotions and thoughts.
We are currently down to one car (and it's the one that is in worse condition) —Bummer! Also, we are looking to re-home our adorable German Shepherd puppy, that we got for KJ. —I feel so very sorry for KJ. It's not her fault, nor the puppy's, that my health and capabilities are not where they need to be in order to raise a puppy, her size (approximately 35-40lbs, maybe more?). I can't risk throwing my back out again. I can't risk being layed out from severe endo flare-ups. And most importantly, I can't risk, messing up this round of IVF over a pup —no matter how adorable and fun she can be... The fact of the matter is that she is more than what I can do right now and I don't know what kind of limitations my future may hold.
On top of all the other stuff, I have not been working, so things are getting tighter and tighter right now. I have to say, thankfully, we are in a very good place in our relationship, because last year, all these things, piled on top of one another, we would have been at each others throats, with intense silent treatments, daily —probably. So, praise God for growth and unconditional love!
We got through the first part of "the wait". Now, we just have to make it 'til Saturday... I really think this week will be tougher than the last.
I haven't been sleeping well at all —tossing and turning all night long, with sweaty-hot and shivering-cold flashes. Also, I've been having very intense, uncomfortable, dreams (where I or my family are in danger).
Today is day 22. We are still on 1cc of progesterone, nightly. Tonight was the first night I needed to switch to my left butt cheek. Tonight's injection was our 11th progesterone injection (10 were all on my right side, all bunched up in about the size of a quarter). Last night, I think Chris passed through a blood vessel or something, because it's super duper sore AND has a puffy green bump (reminds me of when I used to pop blood vessels, on my wrist(s), when I used to play volleyball —but on my butt. lol) It HURTS!!! :(
side effects that I've notice:
super sleepy (like needing several hours of a nap during the day to make it through 'til bedtime)
I get crazy "munchies"
Super thristy
sore "boobos"
very irritable
more random endo episodes
...so basically, it's like a very long stretch of PMS (poor Chris and KJ!)
Sorry I haven't been blogging everyday, these past few days. It just feels a little depressing that my only updates, really, are "very emotional again today"... lol I hope it ends soon.
October 18, 2012
IVF #1, Day 20: Oh what a morning!
What a day it's been already!
Horrible endo pain woke me up at 5:32am. I had been rolling around, in bed, trying to let it pass, hoping to just stay asleep. But this was the kind of endo pain that makes you wonder if your ovary is about to explode!
The only way I can explain the pain, for those who don't know what endo pain is like, is... Imagine your ovaries are balloons. Normally, you aren't even aware of where they are because you don't feel them in any way. However, these "balloons" feel as though they are just tiny water balloons that someone is over-filling. They keep stretching and expanding, fitting more and more water. They felt as if they are to the point where they are riiiiight about to explode.
If you can imagine that kind of burning, stabbing, pulling, twisting, tearing, -like excruciating pain —that's the kind of pain that woke me up at 5:32am. And I'll tell you what caused it. It might be TMI for some of you... (but if you've been reading my blog long enough, you'll know that my version of "TMI" might be some what different than 'the average bear's'.) When my intestines fill up, as in, I have to "go potty", it causes endo pain. When my bladder fills up, it causes pain. When I empty my bladder, everything re-shifts and causes another episode of pain (most times). When I "go potty", my intestines are now empty and re-shift and always causes another episode of pain. Sometimes the 'before' pain is so much worse than the 'after' pain. Sometimes the 'after' pain is so much worse than the 'before' pain. And then sometimes they are both just as paralyzing.
I've been regretting not getting another surgery before IVF only because it won't "just go away" —unless someone lasers it out. So, if I end up pregnant, which is exactly what we are praying for, I will have to fight these pains every.single.day. of my pregnancy, and for a while afterwards. If we don't end up pregnant from this round of IVF, I feel very strongly that I will opt for a surgery first, to get rid of as much endo and lesions as possible, before starting a "FET", frozen embryo transfer (since we had one embryo survive long enough to be frozen!).
*endo pain and full episodes can also occur, for me, if I go from a sitting position to a standing position too fast (get up too fast), switch laying positions too fast, lean too far forward while in a sitting position (polishing toenails, picking something up from the floor, lean forward to tie my shoes wrong, do a full-body stretch (laying or standing —arms over head while both legs are straight. Also, too much walking, standing, or movement (sweeping, yard work, vacuuming, mopping, or even recreational, etc.). Sneezing causes pain, if I don't crouch down or curl up somehow, before, to brace for the forceful explosion, along with coughing, gagging (I do unfortunately have a very sensitive gag reflex and gag every single time I brush my teeth. lol). And here's the real personal one... I'll share it only because I really try to spread awareness of how extreme endometriosis/"endo pain" changes a person's life. After every single orgasm, I suffer with 20-45 mins of a painful endo episode (typical endo "episode": entire body tense from excruciating pain, have to focus on breathing to help keep nausea away. When any extreme episode finally passes, I am EXHAUSTED, no matter how energetic I felt prior to the episode, and my whole body tingles from finally relaxing and getting good blood flow.) Now, that really puts a damper on things, if you can imagine! It's one thing to mess with my personal daily life, but it's really upsetting when it messes with my relationship!
If you, or someone you know, experience anything similar to what I just described. Please do NOT brush it off as "menstrual cramps" (because, yes, it does flare up even worse around 'that time of the month'); make an appointment with a doctor and tell them exactly what you experience and that you are concerned you might have "endometriosis". And here's another important part to this: if they don't do anything about it (look into it further) keep going to new doctor until you find one that will listen and take you seriously!!
I was 12 years old when I had my first signs of this horrible disease. We thought it was just horrible menstruation — little did we, my mom, sis, and myself, know that "horrible" menstruation is the first sign to something being "wrong". (I didn't get [correctly] diagnosed until I was 26!) It's not normal. (now back to my blog... lol. I just absolutely felt the need to share from my experiences and perspective.)
I got up to "go potty" and, a whole 28 mins later, the pain started to calm down. I crawled back into bed, knowing that Chris's alarm would be waking him up in 30 mins and my alarm would go off in an hour and a half. It took me an entire hour to fall back to sleep. Thirty minutes later, my alarm went off.
KJ was the worse grump, when I went in to wake her up! Cranky, yelling, complaining, whining, crying —very extreme this morning. I did my best to help her be positive, but it didn't seem to do any good. (I did my best to keep my blood pressure down and avoid "stress", as instructed after the transfer.)
We managed to leave on time and it was perfect —no traffic! I had to be at RMA, Medical Ctr., by 9am, to get my progesterone level checked. Everything was going so well... until my car started acting up. I had already driven for 15 minutes; I only had another 10 minutes to drive, but I knew I wouldn't make it safely. (my car refused to accelerate into fourth gear. The engine just revs instead of jumping into fourth gear. Then, at times, it would'n't even accelerate past first gear!)
"Don't stress...don't stress..."
There I was, 10 minutes away from my destination, parked in an unfamiliar neighborhood, crying. I called and had to have my appointment moved to tomorrow. I prayed and got back on the road, heading home, driving mostly in "2", second. —not "D"... that scared me too because I was afraid I was messing up my car even more, but that was the only way my car would accelerate enough to keep momentum.)
I reminded myself that there must be a reason for this —because on the way home, my car worked just fine, going into all the needed gears, most of the way. If only I could have kept driving to my appointment! It did, eventually, start acting up again when I was just minutes from my house, but still on the highway!
I made it home safely, by 9:17am, put some eggs in a pot to boil, and I'm now trying to "relax". Car trouble is never a way to "relax" though. lol
Today is "2dp5dt" (two days past 5 day transfer). I have 9 more days before we test for pregnancy!
'To a better day!
Horrible endo pain woke me up at 5:32am. I had been rolling around, in bed, trying to let it pass, hoping to just stay asleep. But this was the kind of endo pain that makes you wonder if your ovary is about to explode!
The only way I can explain the pain, for those who don't know what endo pain is like, is... Imagine your ovaries are balloons. Normally, you aren't even aware of where they are because you don't feel them in any way. However, these "balloons" feel as though they are just tiny water balloons that someone is over-filling. They keep stretching and expanding, fitting more and more water. They felt as if they are to the point where they are riiiiight about to explode.
If you can imagine that kind of burning, stabbing, pulling, twisting, tearing, -like excruciating pain —that's the kind of pain that woke me up at 5:32am. And I'll tell you what caused it. It might be TMI for some of you... (but if you've been reading my blog long enough, you'll know that my version of "TMI" might be some what different than 'the average bear's'.) When my intestines fill up, as in, I have to "go potty", it causes endo pain. When my bladder fills up, it causes pain. When I empty my bladder, everything re-shifts and causes another episode of pain (most times). When I "go potty", my intestines are now empty and re-shift and always causes another episode of pain. Sometimes the 'before' pain is so much worse than the 'after' pain. Sometimes the 'after' pain is so much worse than the 'before' pain. And then sometimes they are both just as paralyzing.
I've been regretting not getting another surgery before IVF only because it won't "just go away" —unless someone lasers it out. So, if I end up pregnant, which is exactly what we are praying for, I will have to fight these pains every.single.day. of my pregnancy, and for a while afterwards. If we don't end up pregnant from this round of IVF, I feel very strongly that I will opt for a surgery first, to get rid of as much endo and lesions as possible, before starting a "FET", frozen embryo transfer (since we had one embryo survive long enough to be frozen!).
*endo pain and full episodes can also occur, for me, if I go from a sitting position to a standing position too fast (get up too fast), switch laying positions too fast, lean too far forward while in a sitting position (polishing toenails, picking something up from the floor, lean forward to tie my shoes wrong, do a full-body stretch (laying or standing —arms over head while both legs are straight. Also, too much walking, standing, or movement (sweeping, yard work, vacuuming, mopping, or even recreational, etc.). Sneezing causes pain, if I don't crouch down or curl up somehow, before, to brace for the forceful explosion, along with coughing, gagging (I do unfortunately have a very sensitive gag reflex and gag every single time I brush my teeth. lol). And here's the real personal one... I'll share it only because I really try to spread awareness of how extreme endometriosis/"endo pain" changes a person's life. After every single orgasm, I suffer with 20-45 mins of a painful endo episode (typical endo "episode": entire body tense from excruciating pain, have to focus on breathing to help keep nausea away. When any extreme episode finally passes, I am EXHAUSTED, no matter how energetic I felt prior to the episode, and my whole body tingles from finally relaxing and getting good blood flow.) Now, that really puts a damper on things, if you can imagine! It's one thing to mess with my personal daily life, but it's really upsetting when it messes with my relationship!
If you, or someone you know, experience anything similar to what I just described. Please do NOT brush it off as "menstrual cramps" (because, yes, it does flare up even worse around 'that time of the month'); make an appointment with a doctor and tell them exactly what you experience and that you are concerned you might have "endometriosis". And here's another important part to this: if they don't do anything about it (look into it further) keep going to new doctor until you find one that will listen and take you seriously!!
I was 12 years old when I had my first signs of this horrible disease. We thought it was just horrible menstruation — little did we, my mom, sis, and myself, know that "horrible" menstruation is the first sign to something being "wrong". (I didn't get [correctly] diagnosed until I was 26!) It's not normal. (now back to my blog... lol. I just absolutely felt the need to share from my experiences and perspective.)
I got up to "go potty" and, a whole 28 mins later, the pain started to calm down. I crawled back into bed, knowing that Chris's alarm would be waking him up in 30 mins and my alarm would go off in an hour and a half. It took me an entire hour to fall back to sleep. Thirty minutes later, my alarm went off.
KJ was the worse grump, when I went in to wake her up! Cranky, yelling, complaining, whining, crying —very extreme this morning. I did my best to help her be positive, but it didn't seem to do any good. (I did my best to keep my blood pressure down and avoid "stress", as instructed after the transfer.)
We managed to leave on time and it was perfect —no traffic! I had to be at RMA, Medical Ctr., by 9am, to get my progesterone level checked. Everything was going so well... until my car started acting up. I had already driven for 15 minutes; I only had another 10 minutes to drive, but I knew I wouldn't make it safely. (my car refused to accelerate into fourth gear. The engine just revs instead of jumping into fourth gear. Then, at times, it would'n't even accelerate past first gear!)
"Don't stress...don't stress..."
There I was, 10 minutes away from my destination, parked in an unfamiliar neighborhood, crying. I called and had to have my appointment moved to tomorrow. I prayed and got back on the road, heading home, driving mostly in "2", second. —not "D"... that scared me too because I was afraid I was messing up my car even more, but that was the only way my car would accelerate enough to keep momentum.)
I reminded myself that there must be a reason for this —because on the way home, my car worked just fine, going into all the needed gears, most of the way. If only I could have kept driving to my appointment! It did, eventually, start acting up again when I was just minutes from my house, but still on the highway!
I made it home safely, by 9:17am, put some eggs in a pot to boil, and I'm now trying to "relax". Car trouble is never a way to "relax" though. lol
Today is "2dp5dt" (two days past 5 day transfer). I have 9 more days before we test for pregnancy!
'To a better day!
October 10, 2012
IVF #1: Random things to share
Of all the things to fill my mind, I found myself thinking, just now, "I really really hope that if the embryo(s) attach and become a pregnancy that I experience morning sickness! Because then I know I'm pregnant!!" lol I had not a single amount of morning sickness when I was pregnant with KJ. Back then, I was super thankful and I loved it. This time around, I wonder if I am going to feel like it's "not real" unless I feel some kind of huge change, daily...
I'm sure that's normal, right? Crazy thoughts . . . hoping to become pregnant and be reminded every day. Okay, maybe it's silly to some —but it crossed my mind and made me agree with myself. lol
Something else that has happened and I forgot to mention in my daily posts:
The day that I was visiting my parents... last friday... Remember I mentioned spending the day with my parents and going out to some stores with them? Well, we were shopping at Sam's Club and out of nowhere, we weren't even having a convo about IVF, Kryssa holds my mom's hand, looks up at her, and says "Grandma, maybe you should get IVF, too!! Then I can have a baby..." she was about to say cousin but then I told her it would be her aunt —all while we were cracking up (and tearing up from laughing so hard) over what KJ had just said!!! LOL My mom lovingly explained to KJ that God made women's bodies to not be able to have children after a certain age (but in my head, I was thinking . . . "hm, but IVF with donor eggs, and even sperm if needed, could work..." hahaha). My poor child just want anyone to have a baby at this point. She desperately longs for a little baby in her life, as do we. :)
KJ has been involved with most of our IVF talks. I've explained how it works (they take daddy's sperm and mommy's eggs and they fertilize the egg with the sperm. Then they watch to see which ones are forming correctly and they will put one or two back into mommy's uterus in hopes that it attaches to the lining and grows into a baby... *I still am partially thankful that she has not asked, yet, how that normally happens without IVF. I haven't had to explain how body parts come together and I really don't think I'm ready to explain that yet... is that wrong of me? What if she already knows —because she knows about individual parts and has figured it out?? ugh! I don't even want to think about it now...* Okay, so, she knows that the injections I've been on are to help produce as many eggs as possible and she knows that the eggs are going to be retrieved on tomorrow, Thursday ... This morning, 6am, I go in to wake her up and, so randomly, she asks me, "Mommy?... are the eggs they are going to retrieve just like regular eggs, like the eggs we eat?" My heart melted with love —over her child-like thoughts. I love hearing her questions as she grows! I giggled as I kindly told her "no" and then reminded her that they are super duper micro-scopic... As I got ready for my appointment, I just kept laughing, in my head, thinking of KJ thinking about her mom filling up with these "regular eggs, like the eggs we eat"... LOL I wonder if she thought I could lay eggs too. hahaha!
Last, but not least, I have been so overwhelmed with love towards our KJ. She has been so considerate, loving, and helpful, in any way possible, during this whole process. She has held my hand several times, when she would see me cringing from pain of the Menopur injection. She has kept me hydrated —she loves to serve me ice water; I think, in her mind, it helps relax me (which it does because I love drinking ice water throughout the day). Most nights, during injections, she would call out from the stairs, asking if she could watch —saying, "I can't sleep knowing you're getting your injections..."
This IVF cycle really has brought out the best in our family. We don't know what the outcome with be —new baby or not. But the journey alone, so far, has been such a blessing! (not to mention the connections I've made with other people, so-called "strangers", that have traveled this same journey; all the love, support, prayers, and encouraging words from family, friends, and fellow "IVFers"! I am so grateful.)
I'm sure that's normal, right? Crazy thoughts . . . hoping to become pregnant and be reminded every day. Okay, maybe it's silly to some —but it crossed my mind and made me agree with myself. lol
Something else that has happened and I forgot to mention in my daily posts:
The day that I was visiting my parents... last friday... Remember I mentioned spending the day with my parents and going out to some stores with them? Well, we were shopping at Sam's Club and out of nowhere, we weren't even having a convo about IVF, Kryssa holds my mom's hand, looks up at her, and says "Grandma, maybe you should get IVF, too!! Then I can have a baby..." she was about to say cousin but then I told her it would be her aunt —all while we were cracking up (and tearing up from laughing so hard) over what KJ had just said!!! LOL My mom lovingly explained to KJ that God made women's bodies to not be able to have children after a certain age (but in my head, I was thinking . . . "hm, but IVF with donor eggs, and even sperm if needed, could work..." hahaha). My poor child just want anyone to have a baby at this point. She desperately longs for a little baby in her life, as do we. :)
KJ has been involved with most of our IVF talks. I've explained how it works (they take daddy's sperm and mommy's eggs and they fertilize the egg with the sperm. Then they watch to see which ones are forming correctly and they will put one or two back into mommy's uterus in hopes that it attaches to the lining and grows into a baby... *I still am partially thankful that she has not asked, yet, how that normally happens without IVF. I haven't had to explain how body parts come together and I really don't think I'm ready to explain that yet... is that wrong of me? What if she already knows —because she knows about individual parts and has figured it out?? ugh! I don't even want to think about it now...* Okay, so, she knows that the injections I've been on are to help produce as many eggs as possible and she knows that the eggs are going to be retrieved on tomorrow, Thursday ... This morning, 6am, I go in to wake her up and, so randomly, she asks me, "Mommy?... are the eggs they are going to retrieve just like regular eggs, like the eggs we eat?" My heart melted with love —over her child-like thoughts. I love hearing her questions as she grows! I giggled as I kindly told her "no" and then reminded her that they are super duper micro-scopic... As I got ready for my appointment, I just kept laughing, in my head, thinking of KJ thinking about her mom filling up with these "regular eggs, like the eggs we eat"... LOL I wonder if she thought I could lay eggs too. hahaha!
Last, but not least, I have been so overwhelmed with love towards our KJ. She has been so considerate, loving, and helpful, in any way possible, during this whole process. She has held my hand several times, when she would see me cringing from pain of the Menopur injection. She has kept me hydrated —she loves to serve me ice water; I think, in her mind, it helps relax me (which it does because I love drinking ice water throughout the day). Most nights, during injections, she would call out from the stairs, asking if she could watch —saying, "I can't sleep knowing you're getting your injections..."
This IVF cycle really has brought out the best in our family. We don't know what the outcome with be —new baby or not. But the journey alone, so far, has been such a blessing! (not to mention the connections I've made with other people, so-called "strangers", that have traveled this same journey; all the love, support, prayers, and encouraging words from family, friends, and fellow "IVFers"! I am so grateful.)
October 9, 2012
IVF #1, Day 11: 10/9/12
I am noticing a pattern now. The closer we are getting to our halfway point, our egg retrieval date, the more challenging it is becoming to stay positive and have great days.
Today, I'll be honest, I did not want to get out of bed. I was so emotionally drained and 'in the dumps' that I just wanted to stay in bed. However, for my KJ's sake, I made myself pull it all together and get out of bed. I never want her to remember or feel that "mom didn't care about me; she just laid in bed, sad, all the time..." So, I got up and went downstairs.
Endo has really been flaring up. It's aggravating. I often wonder if it's going to be a daily problem if we ever do get pregnant. Many info sites claim that endo tones down or even "goes away" during pregnancy, but I tell my hunny, "I can understand if maybe endo stops growing during pregnancy... but for the endo that has already grown and fused organs and tissues together, it doesn't make sense that it won't cause pain as your insides shift, stretch, grow, etc...". I'm really scared at the thought of having endo pain every single day during a pregnancy. I'm concerned that it will lead to another preterm labor (which I really believe is what caused preterm labor with KJ). I've read, in forums, from other women that have experienced horrible endo pain during their entire pregnancy. The endo pain that I am currently experiencing now is just frustrating and upsetting! I wish there could be an end to it...
I was nervous all day about the "butt injection" (the trigger shot of Novarel). And to top off my day, my back problems flared up today too. So, I basically just sat on the couch most of the day trying to keep my mind busy (between KJ's school work and trying not to focus on the amount of pain I was in). The only medicine I can take right now is Tylenol (I bought the rapid release). It's just a bit of a joke compared to the Norco (10-325) I had been on, prior to IVF. I tolerate pain pretty well these days —because I have no other choice. If Tylenol doesn't take the edge off, I just pray and try to distract my mind to make it through that moment (or entire day) as best as possible. Today has been one of those days. :(
Chris should have gotten off from work at 4pm. I was really looking forward to that time because I was expecting him to call, as he usual does (everyday, on his way home). He didn't call until 4:38pm, I believe. I had held it together as long as I could on my own. As soon as he called, I broke. And, once again, he was loving, supportive, understanding, and encouraging. I try to stay positive for him because I know it's a lot to carry —always being the shoulder that's cried on. But he is SUCH a blessing in my life!! He listened as I cried it all out and then he comforted me with laughter, love, and encouraging words. He reminded me that God's plan is perfect and that "He's got this". He reassured me that Thursday's egg retrieval will go smoothly and that he will be by my side all day to take care of me. He told me that if I needed to stay home tonight, instead of going to our 'marriage group night', at church (which has been a totally amazing experience for us) that he will understand and we could 'relax' together. And then he even offered to pick up dinner so I wouldn't have to do anything for the rest of the evening/night. (when he got home with WingStop and Snow White and the Huntsmen I knew it was going to be a great night!) Of course, it really helped me feel better. I just really wish I wasn't having so many of these days/moments. I want to feel normal again.
The "butt injection":
Chris watched the instructional video for the new injection and then we just watched tv to pass the night away (KJ was already in bed for the night and I needed some serious distraction from what was only hours away). We watched Parenthood, which I absolutely LOVE and then we watched the movie he had rented. We were counting down the time together ... until he decided to take a "nap". lol We were instructed to give the shot at exactly 11:30pm. Why so late? I have no idea. These last few nights, we had been going to bed between 9:30pm and 10:00pm. So, having to stay up until 11:30pm, to give a shot, made us even more sleepy! haha. At 11:20pm, I grabbed the ice pack —to numb the area and warmed up the heating pad —which we were told to use, to massage the site after the injection. Chris had asked me to mix the liquid with the powder —so I woke him up as I mixed the medicine. Thankfully, the nurse from Monday morning had drawn circles, one on each side, to mark the correct injection site. Chris used the alcohol pad to clean the area . . . but again, I needed to pray first —for peace and comfort and for Chris to be confident and to have a steady hand... and then I laid down, ready for the injection.
My heart was racing, my breathing sped up, and I was sweating bullets, seriously!! I kept feeling his fingers pulling the skin tight, like he was instructed to, but I wouldn't feel the needle. He probably did this for an entire two minutes, while I was going crazy with nerves. LOL! He apologized, and laughed, for taking so long, and I just continued to grip my hands tightly. I felt a small sensation but didn't even know he had already darted the needle in until I asked, "did you put it in yet?" haha. He told me yes and I just started thanking God! It didn't even hurt. I couldn't feel anything (like what I had imagined). But then I asked, "do you see any blood?" (he was supposed to draw back, while in the site, to check for blood). It turned out that he was so nervous that he completely forgot to check for blood; he was already done pushing all the medicine in!! We freaked out a bit and then I told him I'm sure it will be okay (because I didn't want him to get scared that he did something wrong to me) ... he said that he did check, after he was done, and that there was nothing. I don't know if that would have made a difference. haha. but I'm sure he freaked out and needed to still check, for his own peace of mind.
I was so amazed at how wonderfully he did. As we were cleaning up, to go up to bed, I was coming down from my adrenaline-high and talking up a storm! lol He was so calm and quiet; I just had to ask "were you even nervous??" He told me that he definitely was but he got over it once he was done. haha. It was just me that took another 10 mins to calm down afterwards. lol
I tried googling "intramuscular injection forgot to check for blood" (and other versions of the question). I found some info how some nurses don't do it at all and others say it's a must —to prevent the medicine from going straight into a vein because it could cause problems in the lungs...? My injection site did not bleed at all so I figure he did not inject it intravenously. Hm! oh, well, right?!
Another rough day with another great ending. :) Praise God!
Today, I'll be honest, I did not want to get out of bed. I was so emotionally drained and 'in the dumps' that I just wanted to stay in bed. However, for my KJ's sake, I made myself pull it all together and get out of bed. I never want her to remember or feel that "mom didn't care about me; she just laid in bed, sad, all the time..." So, I got up and went downstairs.
Endo has really been flaring up. It's aggravating. I often wonder if it's going to be a daily problem if we ever do get pregnant. Many info sites claim that endo tones down or even "goes away" during pregnancy, but I tell my hunny, "I can understand if maybe endo stops growing during pregnancy... but for the endo that has already grown and fused organs and tissues together, it doesn't make sense that it won't cause pain as your insides shift, stretch, grow, etc...". I'm really scared at the thought of having endo pain every single day during a pregnancy. I'm concerned that it will lead to another preterm labor (which I really believe is what caused preterm labor with KJ). I've read, in forums, from other women that have experienced horrible endo pain during their entire pregnancy. The endo pain that I am currently experiencing now is just frustrating and upsetting! I wish there could be an end to it...
I was nervous all day about the "butt injection" (the trigger shot of Novarel). And to top off my day, my back problems flared up today too. So, I basically just sat on the couch most of the day trying to keep my mind busy (between KJ's school work and trying not to focus on the amount of pain I was in). The only medicine I can take right now is Tylenol (I bought the rapid release). It's just a bit of a joke compared to the Norco (10-325) I had been on, prior to IVF. I tolerate pain pretty well these days —because I have no other choice. If Tylenol doesn't take the edge off, I just pray and try to distract my mind to make it through that moment (or entire day) as best as possible. Today has been one of those days. :(
Chris should have gotten off from work at 4pm. I was really looking forward to that time because I was expecting him to call, as he usual does (everyday, on his way home). He didn't call until 4:38pm, I believe. I had held it together as long as I could on my own. As soon as he called, I broke. And, once again, he was loving, supportive, understanding, and encouraging. I try to stay positive for him because I know it's a lot to carry —always being the shoulder that's cried on. But he is SUCH a blessing in my life!! He listened as I cried it all out and then he comforted me with laughter, love, and encouraging words. He reminded me that God's plan is perfect and that "He's got this". He reassured me that Thursday's egg retrieval will go smoothly and that he will be by my side all day to take care of me. He told me that if I needed to stay home tonight, instead of going to our 'marriage group night', at church (which has been a totally amazing experience for us) that he will understand and we could 'relax' together. And then he even offered to pick up dinner so I wouldn't have to do anything for the rest of the evening/night. (when he got home with WingStop and Snow White and the Huntsmen I knew it was going to be a great night!) Of course, it really helped me feel better. I just really wish I wasn't having so many of these days/moments. I want to feel normal again.
The "butt injection":
Chris watched the instructional video for the new injection and then we just watched tv to pass the night away (KJ was already in bed for the night and I needed some serious distraction from what was only hours away). We watched Parenthood, which I absolutely LOVE and then we watched the movie he had rented. We were counting down the time together ... until he decided to take a "nap". lol We were instructed to give the shot at exactly 11:30pm. Why so late? I have no idea. These last few nights, we had been going to bed between 9:30pm and 10:00pm. So, having to stay up until 11:30pm, to give a shot, made us even more sleepy! haha. At 11:20pm, I grabbed the ice pack —to numb the area and warmed up the heating pad —which we were told to use, to massage the site after the injection. Chris had asked me to mix the liquid with the powder —so I woke him up as I mixed the medicine. Thankfully, the nurse from Monday morning had drawn circles, one on each side, to mark the correct injection site. Chris used the alcohol pad to clean the area . . . but again, I needed to pray first —for peace and comfort and for Chris to be confident and to have a steady hand... and then I laid down, ready for the injection.
My heart was racing, my breathing sped up, and I was sweating bullets, seriously!! I kept feeling his fingers pulling the skin tight, like he was instructed to, but I wouldn't feel the needle. He probably did this for an entire two minutes, while I was going crazy with nerves. LOL! He apologized, and laughed, for taking so long, and I just continued to grip my hands tightly. I felt a small sensation but didn't even know he had already darted the needle in until I asked, "did you put it in yet?" haha. He told me yes and I just started thanking God! It didn't even hurt. I couldn't feel anything (like what I had imagined). But then I asked, "do you see any blood?" (he was supposed to draw back, while in the site, to check for blood). It turned out that he was so nervous that he completely forgot to check for blood; he was already done pushing all the medicine in!! We freaked out a bit and then I told him I'm sure it will be okay (because I didn't want him to get scared that he did something wrong to me) ... he said that he did check, after he was done, and that there was nothing. I don't know if that would have made a difference. haha. but I'm sure he freaked out and needed to still check, for his own peace of mind.
I was so amazed at how wonderfully he did. As we were cleaning up, to go up to bed, I was coming down from my adrenaline-high and talking up a storm! lol He was so calm and quiet; I just had to ask "were you even nervous??" He told me that he definitely was but he got over it once he was done. haha. It was just me that took another 10 mins to calm down afterwards. lol
I tried googling "intramuscular injection forgot to check for blood" (and other versions of the question). I found some info how some nurses don't do it at all and others say it's a must —to prevent the medicine from going straight into a vein because it could cause problems in the lungs...? My injection site did not bleed at all so I figure he did not inject it intravenously. Hm! oh, well, right?!
Another rough day with another great ending. :) Praise God!
August 15, 2012
Time to let go...
I've been up and down lately, with emotions. I've been feeling really confused and sad and then really confident and joyful. I've been trying to evaluate my life, thinking there needs to be some serious changes. My marriage is still healing and I am working on myself —to be Love in my marriage (forgiving, kind and gentle with my actions and words, slow to anger, not holding grudges, etc.). I am constantly reminding myself to "let go" of our battle with infertility and my battle with endometriosis. I've been working on not letting myself turn bitter because of what has "happened" to me (in my marriage, with my health, and in my past —unfortunately, yes, it still finds a way to creep into my head and heart). I'm working on staying away from the "Me" syndrome. I don't want to have a pity party. I want to just shake it off and keep moving forward. (easier said than done)
Today was a great day. I felt great. I felt "together". I felt motivated. Then, out of nowhere, around 8pm, the sadness and frustration took over. I managed to overcome the heavy feelings and I was thankful to God... then I came across a new blog, a great blog, Uncover Ministries. It talks about having courage and letting go. It stirred something inside of me. I know I have a lot of healing to do. Next month will be 5 years since I've known that I need to face the dark places of my past —and I still haven't. (I thought it wasn't an issue anymore and then right when I was about to turn 25 it hit me like a ton of bricks.) I haven't known where to start. The most I've faced anything is just having quiet time with God about it. I confided in a friend last summer and we casually talked about our pasts. But it only caused me to realize even more dark places of my past —parts of my past that I had been blind to see, until that conversation. It confused, angered, hurt, and shook me up all over again.
So, as I read through the Uncover Ministries blog, it made me question "How much more courage must I need in order to face my past and actually "let go"?" I really thought I had faced it and let go —enough to live my 'adult life'. I sat and thought . . . and prayed. I really need to find that starting point. I'm realizing now that I have a lot more "letting go" than I originally thought. I want to find that place in my life where I no longer carry the heaviness, anxiety, hurt, and anger of my past.
This song came to mind as I thought whether or not to post. As much as I wondered what "others" might think after reading this post, the reminder that I'm not alone in this, and the thought that this might help someone else tonight, outweighed any concerns and hesitations I had...
Be blessed and stay encouraged!
(music video below)
Whatever You're Doing
by Sanctus Real
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender
[Chorus]
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...
[Chorus]
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out
Today was a great day. I felt great. I felt "together". I felt motivated. Then, out of nowhere, around 8pm, the sadness and frustration took over. I managed to overcome the heavy feelings and I was thankful to God... then I came across a new blog, a great blog, Uncover Ministries. It talks about having courage and letting go. It stirred something inside of me. I know I have a lot of healing to do. Next month will be 5 years since I've known that I need to face the dark places of my past —and I still haven't. (I thought it wasn't an issue anymore and then right when I was about to turn 25 it hit me like a ton of bricks.) I haven't known where to start. The most I've faced anything is just having quiet time with God about it. I confided in a friend last summer and we casually talked about our pasts. But it only caused me to realize even more dark places of my past —parts of my past that I had been blind to see, until that conversation. It confused, angered, hurt, and shook me up all over again.
So, as I read through the Uncover Ministries blog, it made me question "How much more courage must I need in order to face my past and actually "let go"?" I really thought I had faced it and let go —enough to live my 'adult life'. I sat and thought . . . and prayed. I really need to find that starting point. I'm realizing now that I have a lot more "letting go" than I originally thought. I want to find that place in my life where I no longer carry the heaviness, anxiety, hurt, and anger of my past.
This song came to mind as I thought whether or not to post. As much as I wondered what "others" might think after reading this post, the reminder that I'm not alone in this, and the thought that this might help someone else tonight, outweighed any concerns and hesitations I had...
Be blessed and stay encouraged!
(music video below)
Whatever You're Doing
by Sanctus Real
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender
[Chorus]
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...
[Chorus]
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out
August 5, 2012
Let's "socialize"!
If you haven't already heard the news... I finally created a facebook page for Life Happens. I may not always have an entire blog to post but I sure have plenty of quick 'happenings' and photos to post on facebook. :)
You can also find me on Istagram (life_hapns), Twitter (@life_hapns), and Pinterest (lifehapns). I'd love to connect with you! Oh, and if you enjoy phone games you can look for me as Life_hapns —of course! ;)
Find me on your favorite social site and say "hello". I'd also appreciate if you "share" it with your family and friends. Life sure "happens" and sometimes we just need all the support we can get... Thanks for supporting me on my journey!
-Michelle
You can also find me on Istagram (life_hapns), Twitter (@life_hapns), and Pinterest (lifehapns). I'd love to connect with you! Oh, and if you enjoy phone games you can look for me as Life_hapns —of course! ;)
Find me on your favorite social site and say "hello". I'd also appreciate if you "share" it with your family and friends. Life sure "happens" and sometimes we just need all the support we can get... Thanks for supporting me on my journey!
-Michelle
July 6, 2012
A New Milestone
Well, this is it. The big ONE-ZERO. We've been married for 10 years. What does 10 years mean? Unconditional Love, communication, tears, joy, laughter, Respect, heartache, commitment, compromise, great memories (and some not so great memories), lots and lots of change...but most of all Prayer, Faith, and Seeking God through every single moment. "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." --let's continue this journey, babe.
I look forward to reading our vows for the tenth time and pray to continue reading them for another 70 years! I love you ...and still, "I Do".
I look forward to reading our vows for the tenth time and pray to continue reading them for another 70 years! I love you ...and still, "I Do".
May 25, 2012
Carried through the storm
It's amazing, you know —the peace and love that can be experienced in some of the worst situations. I'm completely in awe. Of all the times I've questioned, "Why me, Lord? What is it that you want me to gain from this?", Wednesday evening was put in my life just for me (and, of course, for all the others that needed it 'just for them' too). :)
Wednesday was a very busy day for me. I don't normally have to run around from one place to the next. But this particular day, that's how it was. I worked from 6:30am-4:30pm. I stopped by Starbucks to buy my therapist a gift card, to put in the thank you card we bought. I was on my way to my last physical therapy session (yay!) set for 4:30pm. Then, I had to go through the discharge process (which I had no idea it would take so long —it could have taken less time, I'm sure, if I didn't have such wonderful things to say about my experience, when I took my final survey.) and I didn't leave until 6pm, or maybe even a little later (my appointment was set from 4:30pm-5:30pm). When I left there, I had to go to a friend's house to quickly pick something up. I thought it would take two minutes, but I really love to talk, hee hee. I was also on cloud nine because I felt so wonderful having my last PT appointment and having my pain level down at a 2 —compared to the usual 7-9 I had been experiencing before starting physical therapy (PT). When I left from my friend's house, I still had to rush to the store to buy some cupcakes for KJ's cheer party that started at 6:30pm. Yikes! We finally made it to the party, just about 10 minutes late.
I really wanted my day to just end right after the party, at 7:30pm. I wanted to go home, rest, eat dinner (that I didn't have to cook), and rest some more. Oh, I didn't mention that my car does NOT have a/c. So, that makes all the running around, in traffic, SO much nastier and much more exhausting. :( Well, as much as I would have love to get home to rest. I really felt a burning desire to make it to any amount of the monthly worship night at BRCC. I really felt like God was saying "Trust me. I have something waiting for you." (no, not the actual voice of God --but a super strong feeling that I knew I could not ignore.) Now, I know I haven't said much about the challenges my marriage faced in December (and I have his okay on sharing his part, but, out of respect, I choose to leave out the details) —to sum it all up I knew I had to stand up for what I believe in and how I should be treated and it led to a temporary separation in our marriage. It was absolutely one of the hardest decisions I had to make but I knew that God was still holding on to me and taking care of me each step of the way. So, it's been a very long healing process. Just because he came back home and we seemed fine on the outside, there was still a lot of hurt, heartache, betrayal, and most of all, broken trust, that really needed healing. All of our marriage, God has really carried me through our challenges and he has NEVER left my side. I've been able to sense when something just 'isn't right'. Now, because I, myself, am not perfect, I have had many times when I doubt my "gut feeling", "woman's intuition", and what I am spiritually sensing. Partly due to denial and partly due to hoping that I am wrong and just making it up in my own mind. So, during these past months, I have had my ups and downs of trusting and not trusting. I have forced myself to trust even when I just felt torn about it. I would pray and ask God to just release me of the past and help me to move forward, being able to trust again. But then I would also ask God to hold my heart and help me not be blinded to see the truth in our marriage. It's been really tough. No other words can explain how it's been. I love him with ALL my heart and really hate the choices he has made. It is an indescribable hurt when someone you love so much, in my case, my spouse, the one person I truly want to grow old with, raise children with, experience life with, betrays you and gives you reason(s) not to trust.
Sooooo, I had told myself not to make this too long.... sorry.
it's been a couple of months now that I've had my 'sensors' going off. I've really been doubting his words lately. I knew I needed a 'spiritual refill' for what I knew I was about to face again. God didn't let me down. We made it to the worship service with 30 minutes left and I released everything. I had been carrying all the hurt, confusion, and resentment for way too long. Not to mention all the ups and downs of not being able to conceive after three and a half years of trying. I left it all there, at His feet. I asked for courage. I asked for wisdom. I asked for the strength and understanding to love unconditionally. I just. let. go. and it was exactly what I needed. Because later that night, I, again, followed through on what I felt led to do and finally the truth came out again. I had already known that the lies had started again. I just needed him to be able to communicate with me, face to face. He already knew that I had known too. It wasn't as easy as I thought it was going to be. I thought I would ask him, hear the truth, tell him that I love him and forgive him, get a hug and a kiss and go to sleep. Well, I'm human. The hurt set in, but in a very calm and peaceful way. It was comforting being able to tell him how I felt about the situation. I knew God was holding my heart and I refused to take it back, to be in control. I cried —a lot (a lot more than I expected, since I had already known.). Just hearing it and seeing the look on his face as he admitted it took my words and breath away —again. I know what my choices are. I know my "rights", I guess you can say. But right now, I am choosing to love and be love. I have forgiven him. I have asked God to continue to carry me through the storm and guide my every word and every action. I choose to continue to trust God. I know that He will not give me more than I can handle... and I will continue to fight for my marriage. (now I will admit that I have no idea how I will feel in the next few days, weeks, or even months. But I am taking it one moment at a time —one thought and feeling at a time. I turn away from the negative and I work harder than ever to focus on God's promises.).
I always ask for prayer and I truly appreciate those of you that have kept me and my marriage in your prayers all these times. For now I am still ME! :) I still love life, my family, my husband, and always, my God! :)
I pray that anyone else going through or that has gone through storms, trials, challenges of this sort stay encouraged at every moment (because sometimes an entire day seems like too much to handle —but a single moment . . . seems a bit more manageable) and know that you are worthy of Love and Respect —and never forget that God loves you.
All my love,
Michelle
Wednesday was a very busy day for me. I don't normally have to run around from one place to the next. But this particular day, that's how it was. I worked from 6:30am-4:30pm. I stopped by Starbucks to buy my therapist a gift card, to put in the thank you card we bought. I was on my way to my last physical therapy session (yay!) set for 4:30pm. Then, I had to go through the discharge process (which I had no idea it would take so long —it could have taken less time, I'm sure, if I didn't have such wonderful things to say about my experience, when I took my final survey.) and I didn't leave until 6pm, or maybe even a little later (my appointment was set from 4:30pm-5:30pm). When I left there, I had to go to a friend's house to quickly pick something up. I thought it would take two minutes, but I really love to talk, hee hee. I was also on cloud nine because I felt so wonderful having my last PT appointment and having my pain level down at a 2 —compared to the usual 7-9 I had been experiencing before starting physical therapy (PT). When I left from my friend's house, I still had to rush to the store to buy some cupcakes for KJ's cheer party that started at 6:30pm. Yikes! We finally made it to the party, just about 10 minutes late.
I really wanted my day to just end right after the party, at 7:30pm. I wanted to go home, rest, eat dinner (that I didn't have to cook), and rest some more. Oh, I didn't mention that my car does NOT have a/c. So, that makes all the running around, in traffic, SO much nastier and much more exhausting. :( Well, as much as I would have love to get home to rest. I really felt a burning desire to make it to any amount of the monthly worship night at BRCC. I really felt like God was saying "Trust me. I have something waiting for you." (no, not the actual voice of God --but a super strong feeling that I knew I could not ignore.) Now, I know I haven't said much about the challenges my marriage faced in December (and I have his okay on sharing his part, but, out of respect, I choose to leave out the details) —to sum it all up I knew I had to stand up for what I believe in and how I should be treated and it led to a temporary separation in our marriage. It was absolutely one of the hardest decisions I had to make but I knew that God was still holding on to me and taking care of me each step of the way. So, it's been a very long healing process. Just because he came back home and we seemed fine on the outside, there was still a lot of hurt, heartache, betrayal, and most of all, broken trust, that really needed healing. All of our marriage, God has really carried me through our challenges and he has NEVER left my side. I've been able to sense when something just 'isn't right'. Now, because I, myself, am not perfect, I have had many times when I doubt my "gut feeling", "woman's intuition", and what I am spiritually sensing. Partly due to denial and partly due to hoping that I am wrong and just making it up in my own mind. So, during these past months, I have had my ups and downs of trusting and not trusting. I have forced myself to trust even when I just felt torn about it. I would pray and ask God to just release me of the past and help me to move forward, being able to trust again. But then I would also ask God to hold my heart and help me not be blinded to see the truth in our marriage. It's been really tough. No other words can explain how it's been. I love him with ALL my heart and really hate the choices he has made. It is an indescribable hurt when someone you love so much, in my case, my spouse, the one person I truly want to grow old with, raise children with, experience life with, betrays you and gives you reason(s) not to trust.
Sooooo, I had told myself not to make this too long.... sorry.
it's been a couple of months now that I've had my 'sensors' going off. I've really been doubting his words lately. I knew I needed a 'spiritual refill' for what I knew I was about to face again. God didn't let me down. We made it to the worship service with 30 minutes left and I released everything. I had been carrying all the hurt, confusion, and resentment for way too long. Not to mention all the ups and downs of not being able to conceive after three and a half years of trying. I left it all there, at His feet. I asked for courage. I asked for wisdom. I asked for the strength and understanding to love unconditionally. I just. let. go. and it was exactly what I needed. Because later that night, I, again, followed through on what I felt led to do and finally the truth came out again. I had already known that the lies had started again. I just needed him to be able to communicate with me, face to face. He already knew that I had known too. It wasn't as easy as I thought it was going to be. I thought I would ask him, hear the truth, tell him that I love him and forgive him, get a hug and a kiss and go to sleep. Well, I'm human. The hurt set in, but in a very calm and peaceful way. It was comforting being able to tell him how I felt about the situation. I knew God was holding my heart and I refused to take it back, to be in control. I cried —a lot (a lot more than I expected, since I had already known.). Just hearing it and seeing the look on his face as he admitted it took my words and breath away —again. I know what my choices are. I know my "rights", I guess you can say. But right now, I am choosing to love and be love. I have forgiven him. I have asked God to continue to carry me through the storm and guide my every word and every action. I choose to continue to trust God. I know that He will not give me more than I can handle... and I will continue to fight for my marriage. (now I will admit that I have no idea how I will feel in the next few days, weeks, or even months. But I am taking it one moment at a time —one thought and feeling at a time. I turn away from the negative and I work harder than ever to focus on God's promises.).
I always ask for prayer and I truly appreciate those of you that have kept me and my marriage in your prayers all these times. For now I am still ME! :) I still love life, my family, my husband, and always, my God! :)
I pray that anyone else going through or that has gone through storms, trials, challenges of this sort stay encouraged at every moment (because sometimes an entire day seems like too much to handle —but a single moment . . . seems a bit more manageable) and know that you are worthy of Love and Respect —and never forget that God loves you.
All my love,
Michelle
April 22, 2012
Good "mornight"
It's 5:07am on Sunday. I have not slept yet. I've literally been in bed all day since Saturday, 11:00am. I've just been really down. I sent Chris a text, giving him a fair heads-up, about my mood and if he'd rather stay out —instead of feel trapped at home with me and my sad-in-the-dumps mood. He called as soon as he was out of work, which was thoughtful. But he wanted to hear from me about what was on my mind and why I was so down. I really didn't feel up to talking. In the text, I had mentioned how I was just randomly crying and couldn't sift through my thoughts, or really didn't want to deal with them. So, when he asked what was wrong, I honestly told him that he probably would rather not hear about it at that time. I think he took it the wrong way. I know he was being a good, caring, husband. However, I know that if I would have mentioned how he is partly the reason for my sadness and heartache, it would have hurt him, or even upset him.
I wish he'd understand that I'm still healing from what happened to us in December. I know I've been real vague in my posts about what happened. I did get his "consent" to share whatever I wanted to about the situation. But I really don't feel like he meant it. I think he just said I could share if I wanted to because he knew that's what I wanted to hear from him. And also, it's a topic that is so extremely controversial that I just don't feel strong enough to be judged on it, or to feel I have to defend myself to others, or to, on top of everything else, wonder who's thinking what about where I stand... It shouldn't be complicated, I know. It's my blog and I can speak my mind, I know. But still, it's just the way I am. I over analyze just about everything in my life. Well, lately, it's been from one side of the fence to the other. Right when I think we are really moving forward, I find something else out. I still feel like I'm being lied to. I still don't trust him the way I once did. I love him beyond words can express and I'm working hard every single day to be love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). But not trusting him the same way causes me to hurt in so many unfamiliar ways --and it makes me question everything.
I wish he'd also understand that my health and physical limitations aren't planned and are out of my control. One moment he'll be completely helpful, caring, and understanding (taking great care of me and making me feel better about the number of "oh"s and "ow"s I make in a day.) and then it feels as though the very next minute he will be frustrated and irritated with me (even pouty, giving me the silent treatment) when I opt out of activities or outings because of how I feel.
So, even though I know I'm not wrong for feeling the way I have felt all day, I am here, awake, at five in the morning dealing with all my thoughts and emotions —alone. And yet, I somehow still I feel bad for him!? It's because he did try to make things better for me, the best way he knows how, buying me little surprises from the store when he was out. He even bought stuff to bbq and have a little family (the three of us) outing in the backyard —fence lights and all (when the fence lights get turned on, it always makes it a "fun night out" for the family). When I told him that I wasn't up for it, he acted like I changed my mind and just left him hanging. I reminded him that I was up-front with him about how I was doing and that it was his idea, not mine, and that I never said "sure!". He actually got upset... It hurts me when things like this happen because I know how I would react and it's nothing like the way he reacts. He actually put everything away and didn't even carry on without me for KJ's sake! :( That's what makes me really really sad. I feel as though KJ misses out on doing things with her daddy just because mommy doesn't feel up to joining. I, on the other hand, would have carried on without him and walked a plate upstairs for him, so he could still have dinner -no matter his mood-, while KJ and I enjoy a fun night in the backyard.
I'm so confused. How does everything always seem to turn around to be my fault? I should be allowed to have my days, my moments, where I don't have to slap on a smile and pull the weight for everyone to have a happy night. All the things I thought were changing and being worked on since December seem to just be slipping away and I just don't know what to think of it right now.
Please pray for strength and understanding in our marriage. We really have come a long way --but there is much more to go.
Now that it's almost sunrise, I really should try to rest my mind and get some sleep...
*1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
(English Standard Version)
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (ESV)
I wish he'd understand that I'm still healing from what happened to us in December. I know I've been real vague in my posts about what happened. I did get his "consent" to share whatever I wanted to about the situation. But I really don't feel like he meant it. I think he just said I could share if I wanted to because he knew that's what I wanted to hear from him. And also, it's a topic that is so extremely controversial that I just don't feel strong enough to be judged on it, or to feel I have to defend myself to others, or to, on top of everything else, wonder who's thinking what about where I stand... It shouldn't be complicated, I know. It's my blog and I can speak my mind, I know. But still, it's just the way I am. I over analyze just about everything in my life. Well, lately, it's been from one side of the fence to the other. Right when I think we are really moving forward, I find something else out. I still feel like I'm being lied to. I still don't trust him the way I once did. I love him beyond words can express and I'm working hard every single day to be love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). But not trusting him the same way causes me to hurt in so many unfamiliar ways --and it makes me question everything.
I wish he'd also understand that my health and physical limitations aren't planned and are out of my control. One moment he'll be completely helpful, caring, and understanding (taking great care of me and making me feel better about the number of "oh"s and "ow"s I make in a day.) and then it feels as though the very next minute he will be frustrated and irritated with me (even pouty, giving me the silent treatment) when I opt out of activities or outings because of how I feel.
So, even though I know I'm not wrong for feeling the way I have felt all day, I am here, awake, at five in the morning dealing with all my thoughts and emotions —alone. And yet, I somehow still I feel bad for him!? It's because he did try to make things better for me, the best way he knows how, buying me little surprises from the store when he was out. He even bought stuff to bbq and have a little family (the three of us) outing in the backyard —fence lights and all (when the fence lights get turned on, it always makes it a "fun night out" for the family). When I told him that I wasn't up for it, he acted like I changed my mind and just left him hanging. I reminded him that I was up-front with him about how I was doing and that it was his idea, not mine, and that I never said "sure!". He actually got upset... It hurts me when things like this happen because I know how I would react and it's nothing like the way he reacts. He actually put everything away and didn't even carry on without me for KJ's sake! :( That's what makes me really really sad. I feel as though KJ misses out on doing things with her daddy just because mommy doesn't feel up to joining. I, on the other hand, would have carried on without him and walked a plate upstairs for him, so he could still have dinner -no matter his mood-, while KJ and I enjoy a fun night in the backyard.
I'm so confused. How does everything always seem to turn around to be my fault? I should be allowed to have my days, my moments, where I don't have to slap on a smile and pull the weight for everyone to have a happy night. All the things I thought were changing and being worked on since December seem to just be slipping away and I just don't know what to think of it right now.
Please pray for strength and understanding in our marriage. We really have come a long way --but there is much more to go.
Now that it's almost sunrise, I really should try to rest my mind and get some sleep...
*1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
(English Standard Version)
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (ESV)
March 24, 2012
His acts of kindness
Yesterday, Chris had to go in to work for a few hours, on his "day off". Yet, he still took my car and got an oil change, took the car to Brake Check for maintenance, took off my old family stickers, and put on my new ones (he is now a business dad. I am a chef mom. Kj is a cheerleader and we finally added roxy too!)! I thought he did such wonderful things for me yesterday. Little did I know he wasn't done. :)
Today, he drove my car to work again and got it washed and cleaned, inside and out, upholstery included, while he was at work (by a great mobile car wash business!). Then he stopped at the store on his way home, after working 12hrs, to buy some pineapple rings that I needed for dinner. I had called him to let him know I was heading to the store to buy them but he insisted that he would go for me. Once he got home, he showed me all the little surprises he brought home for me ((yay!)): a pretty little car freshener, my favorite moscato cupcake wine, delicious jumbo carrot cake cupcakes topped with cream cheese icing, and my current favorite chocolate covered pretzels with sea salt and caramel ice cream!! Wow!! (good thing I've been able to exercise slowly again!! Lol)
I've shared with him that one 'act of kindness' that truly makes me feel loved and taken care of is when he takes care of my car all on his own -because he knows it needs an oil change or car wash or gas or any kind of maintenance. So, he definitely nailed it...went above and beyond when he came home with the wine and cupcakes. ;) hee hee
I am blessed. I am loved. I am thankful.
Today, he drove my car to work again and got it washed and cleaned, inside and out, upholstery included, while he was at work (by a great mobile car wash business!). Then he stopped at the store on his way home, after working 12hrs, to buy some pineapple rings that I needed for dinner. I had called him to let him know I was heading to the store to buy them but he insisted that he would go for me. Once he got home, he showed me all the little surprises he brought home for me ((yay!)): a pretty little car freshener, my favorite moscato cupcake wine, delicious jumbo carrot cake cupcakes topped with cream cheese icing, and my current favorite chocolate covered pretzels with sea salt and caramel ice cream!! Wow!! (good thing I've been able to exercise slowly again!! Lol)
I've shared with him that one 'act of kindness' that truly makes me feel loved and taken care of is when he takes care of my car all on his own -because he knows it needs an oil change or car wash or gas or any kind of maintenance. So, he definitely nailed it...went above and beyond when he came home with the wine and cupcakes. ;) hee hee
I am blessed. I am loved. I am thankful.
February 27, 2012
Sinking. Fighting. Losing My Grip...
I don't know what is going on right now. It feels as though I am asleep in this distant world, dreaming, watching my life pass me by. I've been so medicated lately . . . lost in a fog. I've also been struggling lately --with a lot. It's put me in a major funk! It's not easy opening up. Although, I do choose to be a transparent blogger, for the most part.
**Heads up: I'm about to get real. Might even sound like a Debbie Downer to some. Just know, Life does Happen and this is my life right now --the good, the bad, and the ugly.**
I've been struggling with life, all of it. My health:
•Trying to recover from my back "malfunctions". I'll be going, on March 2nd, for my second round of injections to my lower spine and surrounding nerves.
•Fighting my way through infertility. I'm not sure what the next step is. We've made it through three and a half years now and it's been eotionally draining. IUI? Adopt? Foster? Take another break? Stop all together??
•Fighting my way through endometriosis and pcos. It's drained me emotionally, mentally, and physically right now. I wish there was a cure. I wish there was a remedy. I even just wish for a medicine that would actually work!
My personal life:
•Trying to mend and heal my heart and marriage. Thank God that we are now where we are. Somehow I was misled. I was under the impression that the longer you are married, the less complicated it would get. Maybe that is meant more for 25+ years of marriage, or even 50+ years? —not our nine and a half years of marriage? Nine and a half years may not be enough years to gurantee honesty, trust, communication, respect, and all the other core values of a strong marriage; but it's sure enough years to cause a hurt so deep, it feels as though it rips the flesh right off of you, shatters your heart and scatters all the pieces so far out of reach... and even then, God never fails. [God's] Love never fails.
•Trying to hold on to love -because most days I am in love and know exactly how blessed I am. I'm just hoping, one day real soon, I won't have to work so hard at reminding myself of those positive facts.
•Trying to figure out my child -is she so gifted that I don't understand what she needs just yet? Or am I in denial and something is just a little different and, again, I don't really understand what she needs right now. She's so smart and she amazes me everyday. Yet, those meltdowns and tantrums, though they aren't as frequent, really make me wonder how normal they really are for a 7 year old.
•Life in general: down to the simple concept of just "living". Is it enough to just wake up and "make it through the day" --because that's all I feel I have left right now. Wether it's because of my medication or my hidden emotions...I'll keep fighting. I know I will. But some days are just really questionable. I've been questioning so much. I don't think I've ever experienced this as an adult. It's been 10 years since I last struggled with some of these thoughts. I'm doing all that I know to fight fight fight ... and I'm pretty sure I should seek professional help. But I seem to just laugh, quietly, at the thought of sitting in a strange place talking about my deepest, darkest, most personal thoughts and emotions with a total stranger. A stranger that I would hope to never ever bump into around town. A stranger who might not truly understand me. A stranger who, more than likely, does not have my best interest in mind --it might be just another session...just another paycheck. That's wrong of me, right? I mean, I'm sure it's really wrong of me to put everyone into one category. BUT...it's how I feel. It's why I have felt so alone. I don't know how to trust anyone with my life. I don't know how to seek help.
I pray. I wait queitly, waiting to feel God's love take over. I wait to know that He is guiding my next step -whatever that step may be. But something just isn't right. I've never felt this way as a mother...as a wife. How can I focus on myself for the proper healing to take place when my whole life revolves around my daughter and husband? From the moment I wake up, it feels like go-go-go. That momentum keeps me going keeps me happy, keeps me busy and able to enjoy my day. And then when the work day is over, when the school day is over, when it gets quiet... it starts seeping through the cracks and that's when I don't know what else to do. It's not all about me. It can't be all about me. I have a family now...
I'm pretty sure this may be raising a few eyebrows, causing a few gasps and "oh my!"s. This may even be causing some "Oh please. Get over it" remarks —because you've been through worse, which I don't doubt you one bit. I understand. But maybe there are those of you who get it... who truly understand. I need your support. If you know me for me then you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am still the loving optimist. I am also someone who breaks every now and then and needs an outlet, which happens to be blogging. I am someone who will pull through because I fully believe that God will not give me more than I can handle and I know that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". I just happen to be in a place where it's been quite a bit more challenging to live out what I know deeeeep down in my heart.
So, for those of you who have already been praying me through this heavy storm, with all my heart I Thank You. And if this is news to you... will you please help by saying a prayer any time you might think of me and/or my family? I would truly appreciate it.
Sincerely,
Michelle
**Heads up: I'm about to get real. Might even sound like a Debbie Downer to some. Just know, Life does Happen and this is my life right now --the good, the bad, and the ugly.**
I've been struggling with life, all of it. My health:
•Trying to recover from my back "malfunctions". I'll be going, on March 2nd, for my second round of injections to my lower spine and surrounding nerves.
•Fighting my way through infertility. I'm not sure what the next step is. We've made it through three and a half years now and it's been eotionally draining. IUI? Adopt? Foster? Take another break? Stop all together??
•Fighting my way through endometriosis and pcos. It's drained me emotionally, mentally, and physically right now. I wish there was a cure. I wish there was a remedy. I even just wish for a medicine that would actually work!
My personal life:
•Trying to mend and heal my heart and marriage. Thank God that we are now where we are. Somehow I was misled. I was under the impression that the longer you are married, the less complicated it would get. Maybe that is meant more for 25+ years of marriage, or even 50+ years? —not our nine and a half years of marriage? Nine and a half years may not be enough years to gurantee honesty, trust, communication, respect, and all the other core values of a strong marriage; but it's sure enough years to cause a hurt so deep, it feels as though it rips the flesh right off of you, shatters your heart and scatters all the pieces so far out of reach... and even then, God never fails. [God's] Love never fails.
•Trying to hold on to love -because most days I am in love and know exactly how blessed I am. I'm just hoping, one day real soon, I won't have to work so hard at reminding myself of those positive facts.
•Trying to figure out my child -is she so gifted that I don't understand what she needs just yet? Or am I in denial and something is just a little different and, again, I don't really understand what she needs right now. She's so smart and she amazes me everyday. Yet, those meltdowns and tantrums, though they aren't as frequent, really make me wonder how normal they really are for a 7 year old.
•Life in general: down to the simple concept of just "living". Is it enough to just wake up and "make it through the day" --because that's all I feel I have left right now. Wether it's because of my medication or my hidden emotions...I'll keep fighting. I know I will. But some days are just really questionable. I've been questioning so much. I don't think I've ever experienced this as an adult. It's been 10 years since I last struggled with some of these thoughts. I'm doing all that I know to fight fight fight ... and I'm pretty sure I should seek professional help. But I seem to just laugh, quietly, at the thought of sitting in a strange place talking about my deepest, darkest, most personal thoughts and emotions with a total stranger. A stranger that I would hope to never ever bump into around town. A stranger who might not truly understand me. A stranger who, more than likely, does not have my best interest in mind --it might be just another session...just another paycheck. That's wrong of me, right? I mean, I'm sure it's really wrong of me to put everyone into one category. BUT...it's how I feel. It's why I have felt so alone. I don't know how to trust anyone with my life. I don't know how to seek help.
I pray. I wait queitly, waiting to feel God's love take over. I wait to know that He is guiding my next step -whatever that step may be. But something just isn't right. I've never felt this way as a mother...as a wife. How can I focus on myself for the proper healing to take place when my whole life revolves around my daughter and husband? From the moment I wake up, it feels like go-go-go. That momentum keeps me going keeps me happy, keeps me busy and able to enjoy my day. And then when the work day is over, when the school day is over, when it gets quiet... it starts seeping through the cracks and that's when I don't know what else to do. It's not all about me. It can't be all about me. I have a family now...
I'm pretty sure this may be raising a few eyebrows, causing a few gasps and "oh my!"s. This may even be causing some "Oh please. Get over it" remarks —because you've been through worse, which I don't doubt you one bit. I understand. But maybe there are those of you who get it... who truly understand. I need your support. If you know me for me then you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am still the loving optimist. I am also someone who breaks every now and then and needs an outlet, which happens to be blogging. I am someone who will pull through because I fully believe that God will not give me more than I can handle and I know that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". I just happen to be in a place where it's been quite a bit more challenging to live out what I know deeeeep down in my heart.
So, for those of you who have already been praying me through this heavy storm, with all my heart I Thank You. And if this is news to you... will you please help by saying a prayer any time you might think of me and/or my family? I would truly appreciate it.
Sincerely,
Michelle
February 1, 2012
Life feels like a big bowl of anchovies (just plain nasty!)
A pain in my shins (has returned to both legs again because of the lack of being able to use my back properly). A pain in my back (I just can't wait until the 10th!!). A pain in my abdomen/insides (stupid endometriosis is triggered very easily right now since I try to use any other muscle besides my back --when moving around, etc). And lastly the big pain in my butt -LOL (relationship, mommy-hood, and life issues).
I'm in so much pain. I need help. My pain meds don't do a darn thing for any of my pains right now. I need something to help me get through my busy **homeschooling, baby-caring, annoying but cute doggie 'do list', housekeeping (to the best of my caring abilities), never ending mouth feeding, nose cleaning, sanitize everything (and when I'm all done, start all over again), bill-paying, boo-boo kissing** kind of day! --all while running on horrible tossing-and-turning-hot-flashed-filled [non-existent thing they call] "sleep" Phew! By the time schooling is over, I still have anywhere from 6-8 more hours before I get to really take care of me. I'm not complaining --just stating some facts here. that's a whopping 15 hour work day --on my "early" days, not including the late night "mommy" duties that come along with my wonderful life (that wasn't sarcasm; I promise. I really do love being a mom!). I just need to figure out a better system, plan, or way of communicating when I'm down and needing recovery time. Because I'm just a full-blown grumpy pants when I'm in this much pain and I feel like I'm tearing down everything that we've worked so hard to build up... :(
Thank you Blogger, for giving me a quiet place to vent.
Good night.
((waiting for my Norco and Lyrica to kick in so I can have some decent sleep --to start all over again at 6am))
I'm in so much pain. I need help. My pain meds don't do a darn thing for any of my pains right now. I need something to help me get through my busy **homeschooling, baby-caring, annoying but cute doggie 'do list', housekeeping (to the best of my caring abilities), never ending mouth feeding, nose cleaning, sanitize everything (and when I'm all done, start all over again), bill-paying, boo-boo kissing** kind of day! --all while running on horrible tossing-and-turning-hot-flashed-filled [non-existent thing they call] "sleep" Phew! By the time schooling is over, I still have anywhere from 6-8 more hours before I get to really take care of me. I'm not complaining --just stating some facts here. that's a whopping 15 hour work day --on my "early" days, not including the late night "mommy" duties that come along with my wonderful life (that wasn't sarcasm; I promise. I really do love being a mom!). I just need to figure out a better system, plan, or way of communicating when I'm down and needing recovery time. Because I'm just a full-blown grumpy pants when I'm in this much pain and I feel like I'm tearing down everything that we've worked so hard to build up... :(
Thank you Blogger, for giving me a quiet place to vent.
Good night.
((waiting for my Norco and Lyrica to kick in so I can have some decent sleep --to start all over again at 6am))
January 1, 2012
At a glance
As I scroll through facebook today, I see many posts that are starting with "What a great way to start off 2012...". This is the first year that I'm thinking "What's the big deal, people?!! It's just another year!..." I am normally the optimist . . . I hope I get back to the 'normal' me soon. :( It's exhausting feeling this blue.
This is the biggest life change I've ever encountered as an adult. It's changed me —I'm not someone I would even want to be around right now. ha! I don't blame others if they walk away from me thinking, "Geesh! What's her problem?!" I don't remember a simple smile feeling like such hard work...
If I had to look back on 2011 and remember some great moments, I would choose to remember:
My hubby's heart beating normally again
Getting the opportunity to sing again
The birth of my little nephew
Meeting a wonderful new bff
Having the chance to parent a teen
Paying off our second car
Loving all the little babies that have come into my life
Learning so much more about KJ
...I'm sure there are many more -but those are what come to mind right away...
What I hope for 2012:
Major positive changes in my relationship(s)
A beautiful new baby
To stand on my own two feet
To be debt free
I look forward to trusting and loving fully again
I WILL find the "ME" that is meant to be
So, as I start 2012, looking in every direction for any signs of hope and encouragement, I know my only way to start this year off right is to rely fully on God —to trust and love Him with everything I am —to learn to be still and let Him lead my every step.
Here's to 2012. Happy New Year.
This is the biggest life change I've ever encountered as an adult. It's changed me —I'm not someone I would even want to be around right now. ha! I don't blame others if they walk away from me thinking, "Geesh! What's her problem?!" I don't remember a simple smile feeling like such hard work...
If I had to look back on 2011 and remember some great moments, I would choose to remember:
My hubby's heart beating normally again
Getting the opportunity to sing again
The birth of my little nephew
Meeting a wonderful new bff
Having the chance to parent a teen
Paying off our second car
Loving all the little babies that have come into my life
Learning so much more about KJ
...I'm sure there are many more -but those are what come to mind right away...
What I hope for 2012:
Major positive changes in my relationship(s)
A beautiful new baby
To stand on my own two feet
To be debt free
I look forward to trusting and loving fully again
I WILL find the "ME" that is meant to be
So, as I start 2012, looking in every direction for any signs of hope and encouragement, I know my only way to start this year off right is to rely fully on God —to trust and love Him with everything I am —to learn to be still and let Him lead my every step.
Here's to 2012. Happy New Year.
October 4, 2011
Eighteenth time's a charm
Right?! Well, I at least hope it is. I went from, last week, being able to see the faintest of faintest lines on my hpts . . . to, Sunday, starting my cycle two days early. :(
In my "oh, I want to conceive!!" crying sessions, that I allowed myself yesterday, I felt God's love and comfort. He comforted me in a way like never before —or at least I don't remember, if I've already said this. He opened my eyes to a new way of enjoying this chapter in my life. Have you ever felt words spoken to your heart? They are the best. In this moment, my heart ache and confusion went away: "Enjoy the now. Because once you conceive, life will never be the same again. The life that you can enjoy now will no longer be. The time that you have now for your daughter and husband will change..." The heavy weight of sadness was lifted —immediately. I felt refreshed . . . until the next wave of emotions. BUT it was comforting to remember to "enjoy the now". :)
Last night as I was cuddling with my love (enjoying the 'tingly love sensations' in the pit of my stomach) I was, again, reminded of what I have now... I had to share that moment, that I had experienced earlier, with him. (It's similar to how we've been saying that we had NO idea how we would never get the "us" time back —after KJ was born. We only had 2 yrs of "us".) I really hope it comforted him as it did me. I know his heart aches too —in ways, I will never understand. With all the ups and downs infertility brings, (I don't really know what the "ups" of infertility are...??) the love I have for my hubby has only seemed to intensify. Don't worry . . . I'm still normal —he still irritates the heck out of me. ;) lol But I sure do love him!!
In my "oh, I want to conceive!!" crying sessions, that I allowed myself yesterday, I felt God's love and comfort. He comforted me in a way like never before —or at least I don't remember, if I've already said this. He opened my eyes to a new way of enjoying this chapter in my life. Have you ever felt words spoken to your heart? They are the best. In this moment, my heart ache and confusion went away: "Enjoy the now. Because once you conceive, life will never be the same again. The life that you can enjoy now will no longer be. The time that you have now for your daughter and husband will change..." The heavy weight of sadness was lifted —immediately. I felt refreshed . . . until the next wave of emotions. BUT it was comforting to remember to "enjoy the now". :)
Last night as I was cuddling with my love (enjoying the 'tingly love sensations' in the pit of my stomach) I was, again, reminded of what I have now... I had to share that moment, that I had experienced earlier, with him. (It's similar to how we've been saying that we had NO idea how we would never get the "us" time back —after KJ was born. We only had 2 yrs of "us".) I really hope it comforted him as it did me. I know his heart aches too —in ways, I will never understand. With all the ups and downs infertility brings, (I don't really know what the "ups" of infertility are...??) the love I have for my hubby has only seemed to intensify. Don't worry . . . I'm still normal —he still irritates the heck out of me. ;) lol But I sure do love him!!
(my favorite scripture)
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it
is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily
angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but
rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always
hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails
1 Corinthians 13:4–8
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)