Learning to survive

Reality has been setting in very very slowly for me.  The twins were born on May 20; but they didn't come home until June 19th.  In just days, they will have been home for three months.  How wonderful!  And we are finally getting into a good routine.

Our "getting into a good routine" looks a little like this:  I wake up anywhere from 9am-1pm, depending what time I went to sleep.  I pump and store the milk.  I prep a bottle for Liam and I get their prefolds and covers prepared and set them aside.  Sometimes I can take another little snooze and sometimes someone is already waking up.  Whoever wakes up first, gets changed and fed first.  I either breastfeed Ellyana or bottle feed Liam --sometimes they wake at the same time and I have to feed them simultaneously!  After they eat, Elly can stay awake for about 2-2.5 hrs and Liam only lasts about 1 hour, sometimes a little more.  They nap --hopefully around the same time.  *sometimes by the time Elly is ready to nap, Liam has already taken his nap and is ready for 'mommy time'.

Now, take that little chunk of schedule and repeat every 2-3 hours...

yup.

Sometimes it goes so smoothly, it feels like I'm running a home daycare again.  Other days don't go as smoothly and it feels like I'm secretly being tested on my multi-tasking, ability to fast several meals in a row, and potty break effeciency --like washing my hands while I tinkle... I'm joking!

If I'm still sane and able to function well by 9pm, I will remember to change them into their 'night time diaper' and pajamas.  They will usually get their last feeding between 10pm and 12am.  At least, that's the plan.  Ha!  *If there's one thing that I've definitely learned and come to terms with is that I can do all the planning in the world and sometimes it just doesn't make a difference!  Twins need things at different times, same times, and all the time.

Liam used to be asleep by 11pm and wake up 12-14 hours later (usually).  However, these last few days, he has been staying awake with me while I pump and then needing another bottle before he finally falls asleep for the night.  So, recently, that's been around 2:30/3am.  There are even nights that he just doesn't want to be put down until he is asleep and that leaves me pumping at 3/4am.

Ellyana used to be up all night long and fall asleep closer to 6 and 7 am.  Some mornings were as late as 8am!  You're thinking, "oh my!", I know... I still think that when I go to sleep with the rising of the sun.  Thankfully, the two of them have some what flip flopped.  Elly has been going to sleep around 11pm/12am and staying asleep for approximately 12 full hours.  These nights are definitely easier to manage.  Nothing like the earlier nights where they were both awake and wanting mommy.  And of course, the majority of those nights happened at the same exact time that I decided to hook myself up to the darn pump!  That's a whole other blog post...

So, this brings us right back to when I wake up and pump in the morning.  Now, repeat that schedule . . . everyday.  It never ends.

There is no "break" for me; I just eat whatever I can, whenever I have a free moment.  I rush to the bathroom inbetween bottle-feeding, breast feeding, pumping, carrying babies, and changing diapers.  (It's amazing how a new mommy's body accommodates the new demands --I'm drinking approximately 90-150 ounces of water a day and have realized that I can survive on approx 2-3 potty breaks during the "day time".  Where all that water goes, I have no idea!)

Do I shower?! Haha! Again, right now it's all based on "how important is it?"  Am I leaving the house or expecting guests that might care (haha! -seriously!)?  Do I smell funky? (Lol -gross!)  Do I need a few minutes to myself?  If the answer is "Yes" to any of those, then my response is "of course I shower!" (And when I do, it's normally in less than 10 minutes, normally around 3 or 4 am.  Or right before we plan on leaving, while Chris is awake and sitting with the babies)

There's no such thing as "night" and "day" really.  I do whatever they need as soon as they need it, whether it's the sun or moon that's shining.  (Including diaper laundry)  It all still pretty much feels like one long, very long, day.

What I am happy about is the fact that my "sleep" doesn't feel like just one of several naps anymore.  I'm actually getting a good 4-5 hour stretch of sleep at night.  The most I've gotten has been 9 hours, I think (that ONE time)!  Now that's crazy impressive in my book.

So, we finally have some kind of schedule starting and I'm so glad!  I'm starting to feel a little more "normal" again, just over the last few days.  I feel like I can breath --just a little.  Phew!

Well, this is it... how I survive.  :)

A great [sweaty and humid] day for maternity photos.

We had our maternity photo session yesterday, done by my wonderful bff, owner of M.Y. Photography.  To be honest, I was not looking forward to taking pictures.  I never look forward to "picture day".  I'm too picky —I want my hair, clothes, make-up, smile.... everything, to look perfect.  I do know that might be close to impossible, but I have that type of mind-set and it really makes me dread being in photos.  I was, however, excited to get photos of my big 'ol pregnant belly.  :)

We bought some prop items and Chris worked on some little frames to add into our photos.  Things like that made me excited.  Anxious to see the final product makes me excited.  Getting dressed and ready made me exhausted!!  I had already started my day not feeling so well.  *the night before, at 3am, I started contracting pretty regularly for about an hour.  After I finally fell asleep, I woke up several times due to feeling contractions —which had not yet happened during this pregnancy.  So, I didn't sleep all that well and then, when I woke up, the contractions were still bugging me.  Chris suggested that we try to reschedule but I really just wanted to get it done and over with, not having to plan for another day of "prepping for pictures".

I took about two hours to get myself all primped and ready.  I was exhausted.  Unfortunately, we ended up running a little late and it didn't leave much time to soak in any of what was really going on.  It wasn't until I was driving to the location that it all hit me.  On the radio, in between going over the photo session "check list", I heard:
"Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me..."
I broke down and choked on my tears until I just couldn't hold them back any longer.  I told Chris how I was feeling, "We are here.  We're finally here!  Pregnant.  On our way to take maternity photos!"  The song that was playing, on the radio, was one that encouraged me many, many times when I just felt broken and knocked down from years of infertility —I knew that God was holding me.  I knew that He had not left me to handle it alone.  I knew that He had a very special plan for me (us).  He never let go of me, through every high and every single low.  Such comfort.  Hearing that song just brought it all back to me.  Yet, being on this new journey, I am able to look back and see how God had a VERY special plan for us -one I could have only imagined, never thinking it would become a reality: pregnant with twins! 

During that moment, I forgot about my make-up, hair, and ways I wanted the photos to be perfect.  All I could do was praise and thank God for the wonderful miracles we've been so blessed to enjoy over these past months.  Even as I type this, I am in tears just thinking how everything eventually comes together, full circle, sometimes in ways that you least expect.  All it takes is the tiniest bit of faith... not always easy, but definitely always worth it!  Nothing gets better than what God can do.



All in all, I think the session went really well.  I previewed just a few photos from her camera and I am so in love already.  I can not wait to see the rest!   

Unfortunately, KJ and Chris forgot to take water for themselves; so we ended up sharing my 34oz BubbaKeg of water (which, on a hot and humid day, will NOT keep three people hydrated).  I believe I ended up sweating more than I could replace and that led to contractions 5 mins apart (started around 7:15pm).  After about 2 hrs, they had spread out to 8-10 mins apart.  Nothing painful; just concerned me since nothing like that had ever happened, yet.  I was drinking water like crazy!  But it still didn't seem to do much.  Midwife Robin suggested Benadryl, Gatorade, and rest.  I did all three and I was finally asleep, without contractions, by midnight.

Well, that pretty much sums up our day yesterday...  Today, I am 31 weeks pregnant, only 6 weeks away from our full-term goal.  Stay in babies!  Stay in!!!


Here's our first 'sneak peek' that we received:

Week 14: Lemons and Fireworks

How far along? 
14 weeks on 1/2/13.

How big are the Twinkies?
According to The Bump, the babies are approximately the size of:

(pretty soon, I won't be able to hold both items in one hand)

How am I feeling?
I've been feeling fantastic! (besides fighting off the nastiest cold and sinus infection I think I've ever had.  I've been sick since Christmas day and my body does NOT feel like itself.

So, when I say I've been feeling fantastic, I am referring to feeling fabulously pregnant —finally!  I don't question whether this is real or not.  I do, however, still have my "wow, I'm so incredibly amazed that this is really happening" moments.  But I know that I am pregnant with twins.  I don't feel like I'm living out a made up story; or living someone else's life.  :)  This feels very real now!

Weight?
I'm still very happy to say that I have not gained 2lbs yet.  For sure, I have gained one pound.  I am flirting with a few ounces here and there —trying, trying, trying, to hold off on making it a whole other pound.  I do know that at some point the scale will show higher numbers; I'm just not willing to let that happen all at once.  And definitely not this early!  I have plenty of pre-pregnancy weight to 'play' with before the real pregnancy weight starts to add up.

What do I miss?
I miss showering without having to guard my very sensitive "milk makers" from the spraying water.  TMI?  Oops!  I forget that exists.

I'm really enjoying every part of the pregnancy at this point, that I haven't found myself to be missing much lately.

Symptoms?
This week has been a great one, aside from the nasty cold and sinus infection.  Nausea almost non-existant.  Moods feel stable.  Hunger, for the majority of the day, doesn't control me anymore.  (I think that will change soon, though.)

     Annoyances?
The crazy hormonal hairs that are popping up on my tummy... and chin.  Definitely keeping tweezers on hand.  ;)
Not getting a good night's rest.  :(  I had hoped that would only happen towards the end of my pregnancy and, of course, it's a given that sleep will not happen much once the bundles of joy arrive.  I haven't had a "normal" night since about September/October, right around the time when IVF treatments started.

I'm super annoyed that I've had this horrible cold and sinus infection since Christmas!

But enough about being annoyed...

Cravings?
Mmm... Spaghetti and meat sauce —still.  Cantaloupe.  Tempura sushi rolls (cooked).  Oh, and my favorite go-to night snack is Triscuits and tiny medium cheddar cheese cubes.  (I don't know how healthy or unhealthy that is... but it's my favorite right now and it helps hold me over until breakfast time.  Maybe I should go back to almonds and walnuts?!)

Highlights of the week?
Saying goodbye to 2012, even though it brought us many new challenges, great changes, and priceless memories, was an amazing, joyous, feeling!  Since 2007, each year would go by and we'd have our sad, sad, thoughts of, "I really thought we'd have another baby by now... or at least be pregnant."  Now I can definitely say that those moments are in the past!!!  It was just such a amazing feeling to start a new year with twins on the way; such an amazing blessing.  We can now say, "We are expecting our babies THIS summer!".

We had a wonderful celebration, just the three of us, to bring in the new year:  a movie, fireworks, tears of joy, and sparkling cider!

 Belly watch:

8 weeks 5 days: A beautiful day of hearing heartbeats (with video!)

I don't know that I have many words to describe that special moment, other than "amazing", "emotional", and "exciting"...

Of course, I didn't get much sleep at all.  My bff came over last night and that always means that we stay talking and "catching up" for hours!  We visited until 3am.  By the time I got to bed, I had only 4 hours of sleep available to me.  Of those hours, I woke up to tinkle several times and I tossed and turned, anxious about our appointment.  Needless to say the phrase "I am tired" is an understatement.

My adrenaline and excitement got me up and running right away.  It was almost time!

Chris and I had already discussed that KJ would sit outside of the room until we saw the update and then we would decide when it was best for her to come into the room to check out her future sibling(s).  She was just as excited for the appointment and she kept saying, on the way to the appointment, "I'm so excited; I can't wait!... I'm more excited than both of you!".  She understood that there was no way to know if both babies have heartbeats until after we see the new ultrasound.  So, her hopes were the same as ours "I hope the babies are okay!".

Signing in was easy and routine.  We were called back a bit late, but we all jumped up quickly and followed down the hall.  I did the usual and then sat and waited, anxious to check on the babies.  I know that I normally wait just a few minutes (no more than five, normally) for the doctor to come to the room, but this time... it seemed like and hour!!!  lol  It was more like 10, maybe 15, minutes of sitting there and waiting.  It was when I got really anxious, butterflies in my stomach, tears in my eyes, etc.  I just needed to see the babies already!!

A light knock at the door and I knew it was time!  Within a few minutes we were staring at TWO growing babies with TWO beautiful heartbeats!!!  Oh, only God really knows how extremely grateful and thankful I was at that exact moment.  I just stared and cried.  I was so amazed, in awe... there they were, two incredible little lives, miracles, growing inside!!  What a blessing.  God is SO amazing!!

As soon as the second heartbeat checked out, Chris called KJ to come in and join us.  The very first thing she said, as she walked through the door, was "Are there two heartbeats?!"  I replied with a smiley, teary-eyed, "YES!".  She squealed, "eeeeeeeee!", with so much joy (and huge eyes lol.).  The doctor went back and found both heartbeats again, so KJ could see and hear them.  As soon as she heard the second heartbeat, Dr. B. asked her if she was excited.  KJ replied with, "Yes, but if you don't mind, I was about to win the level so I need to go back and finish now...".  We all laughed so much over her short lived excitement over her siblings. LOL  She probably figures that there's nothing more to check on, since all she's been curious about are heartbeats.  She heard them both, saw both of the babies, and then that was it.  She was happy and content with the results, so then it was back to her video games... hahaha. 

Once we were done with our ultrasound, Dr. B held out her hand for a hand shake and said, "Congratulations!  You have officially graduated!  Everything looks beautiful."  I shook her hand and got all teary-eyed, again.  lol  We got our printed sono pics and then I went to get my new instructions about the progesterone injection.  I'm so very happy to have a "last day" set!!  I am to continue daily shots until Wednesday and then switch to every other day until Tuesday.  Tuesday, of next week, will be my very last progesterone injection, for this pregnancy!!!  Oh, praise God! :D

So, if saying "it was a great [or fantastic] day!" could really truly describe how amazing our day has been then it would be easy for everyone to understand how we've felt all day.  But it's not.  I honestly don't know how to say how amazing our day has been, other than "TODAY HAS BEEN AMAZING!!!".  lol.

Here are some photos and video of today:

I've been meaning to get a picture of this.  This is the sink in the restroom at our fertility clinic. ;)

KJ checking out her siblings, which she has now nicknamed Teeny and Tiny!  lol

*****Click here to watch VIDEO of the ultrasound!*****

(the video was taken sideways -sorry.  If you watch carefully, you can even see the little white flicker of the heart beating!)

Our beautiful babies!

"Teeny"

"Tiny"

"Teeny and Tiny" together ♥

Proud daddy. :)

Adding the new photos, of her siblings, in her "Big Sis In Training" photo album.

6 week and 2 days: Our first ultrasound and sharing the news with KJ

I didn't sleep much at all (between getting up to tinkle every so often and my nerves and excitement of the appointment.

KJ, with her bunny, playing at the computer.

My alarm went off at 6:45am. I showered, woke kj up (she was in a great mood -yay!!), and got dressed. Chris woke up to get dressed as I got some breakfast items packed, for kj. We actually left on time and there wasn't any traffic!  We arrived early; waiting was the worst! Every person that walked through the door caused me to turn my head and made my stomach turn, anticipating hearing my name, that it was our turn to go back.  Kj stayed playing at the computer, as she usually does. Then, finally, I heard my name... Nerves, dry-mouth, nausea, and light-headedness all kicked in immediately. Lol  I was sooooo extremely anxious and nervous.

It was Dr. A, the one who has been super rough the only two times I've seen him. I had prayed all night that he would be patient, not in a rush, sensitive to our excitement and nerves, and that he would be in a great mood to help us enjoy the very special moment... And what do you know? God is awesome!!! Dr. A was all of those things plus more! :)  He asked me how I was and I told him "Super anxious and excited...I've been so extremely nauseous all morning." He said that he was excited too and was glad to hear that I was nauseous, because its a good sign (lol). So, we got started and I had my phone ready, to record "the moment". As soon as we started, I knew what I was looking at. Two dark spots...TWO...  He asked me "Okay, so, what do you see?" And I just replied "I see two?" He confirmed that I was correct and I just cried and said "Thank you Jesus!". I was so calm and happy...so extremely grateful for getting to have that very moment.  I couldn't see Chris's reaction or expression because he was sitting next to the doctor (doc was between us, standing at machine). I really wish I could have seen his expression... I'll never know what that moment looked like. And he's not one that will really express it in words.

Dr. A, unfortunately did not zoom in very much on the babies. He just confirmed that there were two yolk sacs and that everything looked great so far. I reeeeeally wish he would have zoomed in to see if we could see the flickering heartbeats. He said we won't know anything about the heart beats until another two weeks. (What a long time to wait to confirm heart beats.).  Dr. A also strongly suggested NOT sharing the news just yet, until we confirmed heartbeats, in two weeks. However, in the very beginning, we had already decide to share our entire IVF journey -good and/or bad, no matter what happened along the way.  So, we are sticking with our decision.  Dr. A said if we shared too early, there's still a chance we could go from two babies down to just one and that we wouldn't want to have to explain what happened, to everyone we had already shared the news with.  But we don't have a problem sharing anything.  This journey is incredibly unique -with a lot of amazing moments.  This is one of them! If anything changes in the next two weeks, we will still be so thankful that we were able to experience seeing two beautiful little lives forming today. Every single moment is a memory along the way -why keep it to ourselves?!  Right now, we have two little lives growing, and right now, we are incredibly grateful and excited! We are takin this one step at a time... Enjoying every moment and remembering that each day is a gift from God.


Sharing the news with KJ:
Remember how I mentioned, a few posts back, that KJ didn't want to know if we were pregnant until after the first sonogram?  Well, we've been doing our best to keep the pregnancy hush-hush around KJ.  We have been anxiously waiting for our first sonogram, praying we'd see little bitty ones growing, so we could finally share the news with KJ.

We finally made it!

We rushed to Babies R Us, hoping to find a "big sister" card or frame. (Yes, we should have already had something, but I just wasn't ready to buy anything like that until I knew for sure there was something really growing in there -lol.). We didn't find anything. We rushed to HEB.  We had to "rush" because we were planning on dropping by to surprise my parents at their house, before Chris had to head back to work.  Chris ran in and was able to find a card.

When we got to my parents' house, we gave KJ her card.  We asked her to read it out loud...

She read the card and quickly responded with "You're pregnant?!" and then we hugged for a really long time, and I cried and cried.  It was an amazing moment.

For the rest of the day, she would be totally fine and okay and then, out of nowhere, she would squeal again, saying "I can't believe I'm going to be a big sister!" or "I can't believe that you're actually pregnant!" —and she kept her card close by and would look at it often.  :)


I finally don't have to be hush hush, in my own home, about this exciting part of our lives —but it takes some getting used to.  I've been quiet for three weeks so it actually still feels like I'm not supposed to be saying anything out loud.  haha  I will admit, things FINALLY feel real now... I'm actually pregnant... this is real!

Eeeeeeeeeeeeehee hee!!!  Praise God!  Thank you Jesus!
:)

IVF #1, Day 38: "5 weeks 5 days" of pregnancy

We are only three days away from our first pregnancy ultrasound!

I keep saying "pregnancy ultrasound" because I have had so many "non-pregnancy" related ultrasounds —so I just want to be very clear about it.  hee hee ;)

Last night, we were looking online at some really cute "Big Sister", "I'm going to be a big sister", and "Only Child —Expires [due date]" shirts.  We had planned on buying one and gifting it to KJ this Friday, as long as the ultrasound showed happy results.  We looked on Etsy and found some great ones . . . I got all emotional! lol.  I just couldn't help it!  The thought of KJ opening up an unexpected present and then seeing, and reading, one of those shirts was too much for my emotions.  However, after realizing that, first, we don't know for sure if we are correct on the estimated due date of July, and, second, what if we jump too soon and then get stuck with a shirt that says "July 2013" —and not get the news we are praying for on Friday...?  I know that I am "supposed" to be thinking positive, but I am also trying to stay very realistic.  I don't want to get my hopes and excitement up too high only to then have to gather emotions and deal with the complete opposite.  I'd rather just wait before getting 100% excited and ready to celebrate.  You know?

So, we decided on another great "suprise" gift for KJ, after we see what the ultrasound shows.


Lately, my emotions have been everywhere!  I don't like not feeling in control of my emotions.  I'll feel real sad, depressed, frustrated, irritated, anxious, etc., for no specific reason.  Now, when I feel full of joy and happiness, I know there's a very specific reason ;).  I have been doing my best to keep my emotions calm and comfortable to be around (lol).  I'm not too sure how well I'm doing...

Other Symptoms/Changes:

• Nausea still just comes and goes —mostly right after I eat.  
• (embarrassing symptoms: gas... too much! lol and I'm no longer "regular" and I don't like it!)  
• I no longer fit into my undies comfortably —along with my clothes :(  but I'm too hesitant to wear maternity clothes right now.  I'd feel so silly.  (I've gone up about 2-3 sizes, all in about two weeks! :(  I don't think it's OHSS because I don't fit any of the symptoms, but the extreme bloating is ridiculous!)  But I'm sure I look pretty goofy trying to stretch my clothes out the way I have been.  haha So... I prefer to just hide out at home, inside.  *hm, maybe that has a lot to do with my low moods?! lol.  I'm just now piecing this together.*  
• Endo pain creeps in throughout the day and night if I put too much pressure on my belly (bending, laying, sitting, stretching out too much, etc).  
• Most confusing changes right now is a perfect tie between my taste being way "off", things just don't taste the same right now (jalapenos, my favorite did NOT taste right yesterday and even smelled like lettuce instead of spicy! lol.  Menudo used to be something I really enjoyed and now I can't stand it! :(  Oh, and I really don't like peanut butter right now —which is just NOT normal for me... I used to love peanut butter.  How sad.), and being sleepy all day but not being able to fall asleep at night... I just don't understand these changes.

Oh, and I just ordered a refill on my progesterone in oil, syringes, and needles, which will arrive tomorrow!  It feels awesome, and is such a blessing, to be refilling the progesterone because we are pregnant —not because we are prepping for a frozen embryo transfer (FET), which was our "Plan B" if the first IVF cycle wasn't successful.  Thank you Lord for every single day of this blessing!!


Chris and I have really come even closer together.  I really didn't think that was even possible right now.  We've been in such a great place in our marriage —I had no idea it could just keep getting better and better.  Praise God!!  **But we definitely aren't perfect.  Since my moods are everywhere, there have definitely been some moments of frustration, or losing our "cool", over silly things.  But the fact that things get resolved very quickly and we still feel all giddy and in love —that's the GREATness I'm thankful for.  Sorry if it's too corny . . .wait, nope, I'm not really sorry.  I LOVE being corny and in love with my husband!! :)


We are currently taking a poll on our Life Happens facebook page, asking what you think we will see on our first ultrasound, this Friday, November 9th: One baby?  Twins?  Triplets? or even More?  (wow)  Remember, it's all in fun; so stop by and place your vote!

IVF #1, Days 32-34: bloated like a blimp!

Day 32, 10/30:
I went in for my second Beta.  It didn't double but the nurse said that it is rising wonderfully.  :)

Took two 1 1/2 hr naps, trying to make it through the day.  I don't remember being so exhausted when I was pregnant with KJ.  (I'm thinking it may have a lot more to do with the daily Progesterone in oil injections.  I read a lot about "fatigue".)


Day 33, 10/31
Happy Halloween!  We were a nice concoction of fun.  hee hee!

Psy (Gangnam Style), a scarecrow, Cleopatra, a bumble bee, and a hotdog! :)

I also made my first "pregnancy" purchase, a "Beband" (to wear over my jeans, since I can't button them up anymore).  I like to think of it as "IVF bloating purchase" because the bloating has only gotten worse over the last week (my belly button is actually almost flush with my skin, because of the amount of bloating I'm dealing with!).  :(  I don't fit into my regular pants anymore.  Even the ones I bought a few weeks ago, to help ease my bloating discomfort!  I just look fat right now and all I'm reading about IVF bloating is that it doesn't really start to go down until about the time you actually start to show your baby bump... so, I'll look fat for a while and then just fatter.  LOL!  Trust me, I'm not complaining —just preparing myself for what I'll see when I look in the mirror over the next months.

Once my belly firms up a bit I'm sure it will ease my frustrations.  I just want to "feel" pregnant, instead of super bloated.  I look forward to that change!


Day 34, 11/1:
I'm so happy it's November!  October feels like it was all about IVF and this month, I look forward to everything pregnancy! :D  It's like a whole new chapter!!! (finally.  Praise God!)

I have to order more needles, syringes, and progesterone in oil.  That definitely feels like progress.  :)  It's much, much, better than having to re-order IVF meds (which I had been preparing myself for —just in case.).

I also have to figure out how to get out of this exhaustion funk.  All I want to do is sleep and lay down.  I have so much cleaning to do and no energy or motivation to do any of it.  My hubby works all day and I would love for him to be able to come home to a nice clean house... but lately, he's been coming home to one chore being partially done and finding me in bed.  I feel so bad.  :(

We are only eight days away from our first "pregnancy ultrasound".  It just seems so strange —the idea that there should be a baby (or two) in my uterus, this time around.  I can't even count the number of times I have had an ultrasound, due to endo, pcos, or IVF, over the last four and a half years, and seen an empty uterus.  I really have forgotten what it will be like to see life in there!!  We are SO extremely excited, and thankful to God, every single day!! :D

Last night, as we were getting ready for bed, I told Chris, "Hey hun!"
"What?"
"We're pregnant!"
In a very monotone voice, he responded with a very short, "yup."

lol.  He says he is past the point of not believing it anymore.  I guess I'm the only one still in the "I can't believe it" stage.  Oh well... maybe I'll believe it more once I see what's going on in there, next Friday.  :)

IVF #1, Days 29-31: Recap

Since we received the wonderful news, not much has changed.  I still feel like I'm talking crazy, saying, "I'm pregnant".  I don't "feel" pregnant.  I mean, yes, my body feels different, sore boobs and sore and tender lower abdomen (endo is way more sensitive right now, with every movement), I'm extremely exhausted all day every day, and some nausea and nasty indigestion has definitely kicked in.  Oh, and I'm struggling to fit into my pants because I'm soooo bloated! ...but it's not to an extreme where I feel it's not my norm (from IVF meds or endo).

I want to be super duper excited, but I'm still just a tad hesitant because it's all so surreal.  I wonder when and if it will ever feel real.

I will go in for my second Beta test tomorrow.  I'm praying that the numbers are doubling as they should.  If I get great news again tomorrow, then maybe I'll feel a little more like it's real?

KJ, still doesn't know because she made it very clear that she does not want to know until there is an ultrasound to confirm that everything is going well.  It's been really tough not saying anything in front of her.  We've been very careful about not letting her overhear our excitement or conversations.  I can't wait until we know our first ultrasound date so that I will at least know when we might be able to share the news with KJ.

Symptoms:

• complete scatterbrained and forgetful
• exhausted/sleepy/tired
• bloated
• indigestion and nausea
• super emotional
• hot flashes —right after my nightly progesterone in oil injection
• very sensitive lower abdomen (I assume it's due to endo, because of the pain)

Here are some other things that have gone on:

10:27:
When we got "the phone call", we were at La Cantera.  We had just left Build-A-Bear and we were buying a soft pretzel, talking about the two for one special they had going on.  I heard the phone ring and saw the caller ID . . . my heart started racing.

The nurse told me that my numbers looked "Fantastic", beta was 500, and that everything looked great with my progesterone level.  Then she said, "So, I want to say, congratulations!  You are pregnant."  I immediately said, "oh yay!! Praise God!! Thank you so much!!"

As soon as I hung up, I jumped up and down a few times, while gripping Chris's jacket, beginning to cry, and said "Hun!!!... She said everything looks fantastic.  My Beta is 500!!  Hun, it's real!!  We're pregnant!!"  (of course I said this quietly, but with a ton of joy and excitement.  I needed to make sure KJ would not hear.  She was off to the side, playing with some of her new stuffed pups —she was lost in her world of imagination).  Chris was so happy he stopped what he was doing, ordering or paying for his pretzel, and hugged squeezed me.  It was a great moment.

Jokingly, he said "I just found out my wife's pregnant!", to no one in particular.  He didn't care who was around...  Yes, we got some strange looks from the lady that handed us our pretzel and drink, but we didn't care.  We were so giggly and excited as we walked back to the car.

Then we were off to Austin, for my nephew's first birthday celebration!

road trip to Austin

I knew I wanted to tell my mom and sis in person.  So, I waited until the party was over and everyone was gone (or at least at their car).  I shared the news with my mom and sis and it was perfect!  We all cried and hugged and it's that special moment you always think about.  :)
*If I would have waited one more minute, before telling them, Chris would have exploded from holding it in from 11am until around 4:30pm or so.  Lol  He was being so silly (we were joking that he was just like the "surprise lady" from SNL!! LOL




10/28:
As soon as I woke up, thanks to a picture on facebook, of sausage for breakfast, I was immediately wanting to eat bbq sausage links and egg.  Here's the really crazy part... I don't really like sausage.  I'll eat it when it's covered in mustard, wrapped in bread or a tortilla.  But Sunday morning, I really, really, wanted some blackened bbq sausage with a side of scrambled eggs.

Chris stopped at HEB, on his way home from another errand, and he bought some sausage links.  I cooked them exactly how I wanted and I enjoyed my plate of sausage links and eggs.  I didn't want anything on the sausage, not even mustard.  It was just perfect!  —and then the nausea kicked in...

In the evening I was forced to go to Fiesta Texas (lol).  I say forced only because we had to go get our passes done so that we wouldn't miss out on the free upgrade/perks, that ended on Sunday.  So, KJ and met Chris out there.  (he had already been out there with a friend).

I was nauseous the entire time I was there.  I couldn't ride a single ride with my KJ :(.  It was so frustrating.  The only thing I could tolerate was sipping on my ice cold water.  Oh, and everywhere we walked, there was a strong smell of people, turkey legs, roasted corn, popcorn, hamburgers, pretzels, etc... and did I mention people!! Ugh!  It did not help!

Visiting Fiesta Texas for the last night of Fright Fest

Once we all got home, and I got my nightly injection, Chris went back out with his friend to a haunted house.  KJ went to bed and my bff came to visit!  :)  It was so nice to have some girl-time in a quiet house.  She gave me such a sweet and thoughtful gift:

"morning sickness relief kit"
Includes: Ginger chews, Peppermint oil, and Sea-Bands.  :)

10/28:  Info I was reading in one of the [many] books my sis lent me.  Our embryo(s) will be 22 days this friday, 11/2!!  The early stages of life are truly amazing!

IVF #1, Day 25 & 26: We're pretty convinced...for now.

Yesterday and today, our minds accepted the fact that we are "currently" pregnant —according to our hpts!!

It still feels like crazy talk if I just flat out say "I'm pregnant".  I've been dreaming about these days.  The days when I take an hpt, see the two beautiful pink lines, and run out to Chris, crying and saying, "WE'RE PREGNANT!!!".  However, that's not how it's gone down.

Chris says that it's "no surprise" because we transferred two embryos into my uterus.  I, too, agree that it's not really a "surprise" —but I still really think it feels so unreal... like a really long, very realistic, dream.

Yes, we still know it's super early, and that things can change from one day to the next, but for now... we are pregnant and as happy as can be! :)

Saturday, we will go for my blood work and get our results later in the day.  I'm praying that our blood results match with our hpt results.

**side note:  yesterday, we asked KJ when she would want to know "the news", if we ended up pregnant.  I asked her "would you want to know right away or would you want to wait until it's a bit more certain, like with a first sonogram or something?" (because we have talked with her about "pregnancy loss".  She understands what it all means, but we understand that she is still just a child, and a loss of that type would be tremendously hard for her.)  Surprisingly, she said that she would rather find out once it's more certain, with a first sonogram.  I told her what a mature decision that is.  (I was really surprised.  With as much as she talks about it, just about everyday, I really thought she was going to say she wanted to know asap.).  It's going to be very difficult for me to NOT spill the beans too soon!!!  lol

How I've been feeling:

• Not too much of a headache today —just off and on for a little while.
• Super sleepy.  I just want to stay in bed all day (but I can't.)
• Still super thirsty, all day long.
• More endo pains and pull-like feelings in my lower abdomen.  (I expected to feel something but I'm kind of annoyed with the endo pains right now.)
• Crazy sweaty-hot flashes
• irratable

I am still on nightly 'progesterone in oil' injections.  I did have to switch back to my right side last night.  My left side is a wimp and just can't handle the pain as well as my right side.  Although, tonight it REALLY hurt again.  :(  Maybe my butt muscles have just had enough!?  A one and a half inch needle piercing through the butt muscle, every single night, is pretty annoying at this point —but we will continue for as long as we need.  Anything to help the baby(ies) make it further and further!!

I still can't believe that the possibility of a little life (or two), growing inside of me, is real... like actually happening, right now... It's not just a dream anymore.  I'm so very very thankful to God.  Every single moment that we can continue this journey is a true miracle and blessing!!!

Here are our current hpt results:

IVF #1, Day 24: Well, well, well....what do you know?!

Tonight's line was.... DARKER!!!  :D

True excitement came out tonight.  I feel more confident that we are going to get the results we want.  We still know, because it's so early, that things can always change.  But tonight, we allowed ourselves to be giddy and excited.

Chris still didn't share any words or expressions of excitement.  How I knew he really was excited was when he immediately wanted to take a picture of yesterday's and today's tests, to show the progress between the two.  I told him I knew he was secretly excited and then I saw that little side-smirk he gives when he is trying to hide something... hee hee!!!

We are just super anxious to hear "official" results from our doctor, this Saturday.  Then I might feel comfortable saying the phrase, "I'm pregnant".  Right now, it still just feels so unreal.  All I can really say, comfortably, is "the test is positive" and "it's getting darker; that's great news!". 

Tonight was our 11th, consecutive, butt injection of progesterone in oil.  :(  (my left side really can't handle the pain the way the right side did.  I just might need to go back to the right side again.)

Today's symptoms:
major migraine all day long :(
severe thirst (no matter the constant water intake)
tight pulling on my ovaries (endo pain)
exhaustion (even though I really did nothing)

Oh, and last night, I actually didn't have any dreams, that I remember.  I tossed and turned all night long and got up three times to tinkle.

Counting down the days... super excited for Saturday's Beta test!

IVF #1, Day 23: Too early to test?

Yes, that's all I've been thinking of today... crazy?  Normal?  Should I?  Could I possibly wait another five days?!

So, I did a LOT of "googling".  I searched for "how early can I test of 5 day transfer?", "5dp5dt", "how long before hcg trigger is out of system"... and several other different ways to word it.  Everything I read, stated that the trigger shot (which has hcg) should clear out around 10 days after the shot.  Today, is 12 days past having the shot.  I also read about several (many) positive pregnancy tests at 5 days past 5 day transfer (5dp5dt).  That's where we are today, 5dp5dt.

After Chris got home, from buying me some crunchy Taco Bell tacos (which I threw away, and called to complain about, because they tasted fishy!!  UCK!!!) and some glazed HEB donuts, I've been really craving both for a about a week now, I asked him what he thought about testing tonight.  A week ago, he said he did not want us to test early.  Tonight, he said "Test if you want!".

We went upstairs, together, to test...

I was SO nervous!!  I was already choked up with emotion.  I dipped the stick and set it down.  I stared at it and within less than a minute this is what I saw...

Two beautiful pink lines!! (Our first "BFP", big fat positve").  We are just praying it lasts...

I started crying and shaking immediately.  I really expected it to be negative because it's so early.  I am also still a bit concerned that it is only positive because of my hcg trigger shot.  Even though it should be out of my system, can you blame me for still having my doubts —even though it's obviously right there in front of me?!  (oh, and Chris's reaction, when I asked him how he felt about it, as I was trying to gather all my thoughts and calm myself down, "Well, it's no surprise!" —lol, typical guy reaction to first IVF cycle??)

I plan on testing again tomorrow, hoping to see a darker line!! :D  (and again around Wednesday —because I now only have one test left and I need to order more!)

So, "Yay, praise God!!", for now . . . I'm really hoping and praying this lasts!!! :D

(we weren't sure about posting this info so soon —because of the possibility of it not lasting...  But since this is part of our, very real, IVF journey, no matter what the outcome is, I felt it was really important to document it...I know I'm not the only "IVFer" who just can't wait to test and is anxious to know if the early positive is "real"... )

I'm thankful to God for tonight's positive (because I really never ever thought I'd get a chance to see two beautiful pink lines —a second time ... even if they don't last) but I also do understand that this is His plan and we don't know the final outcome...  *so I'm super shocked and excited —but I'm trying to stay calm until it's "officially" confirmed (so don't get too excited just yet ;) hee hee).

IVF #1, Day 20: Oh what a morning!

What a day it's been already!

Horrible endo pain woke me up at 5:32am.  I had been rolling around, in bed, trying to let it pass, hoping to just stay asleep.  But this was the kind of endo pain that makes you wonder if your ovary is about to explode!

The only way I can explain the pain, for those who don't know what endo pain is like, is... Imagine your ovaries are balloons.  Normally, you aren't even aware of where they are because you don't feel them in any way.  However, these "balloons" feel as though they are just tiny water balloons that someone is over-filling.  They keep stretching and expanding, fitting more and more water.  They felt as if they are to the point where they are riiiiight about to explode.

If you can imagine that kind of burning, stabbing, pulling, twisting, tearing, -like excruciating pain —that's the kind of pain that woke me up at 5:32am. And I'll tell you what caused it.  It might be TMI for some of you... (but if you've been reading my blog long enough, you'll know that my version of "TMI" might be some what different than 'the average bear's'.)  When my intestines fill up, as in, I have to "go potty", it causes endo pain.  When my bladder fills up, it causes pain.  When I empty my bladder, everything re-shifts and causes another episode of pain (most times).  When I "go potty", my intestines are now empty and re-shift and always causes another episode of pain.  Sometimes the 'before' pain is so much worse than the 'after' pain.  Sometimes the 'after' pain is so much worse than the 'before' pain.  And then sometimes they are both just as paralyzing.

I've been regretting not getting another surgery before IVF only because it won't "just go away" —unless someone lasers it out.  So, if I end up pregnant, which is exactly what we are praying for, I will have to fight these pains every.single.day. of my pregnancy, and for a while afterwards.  If we don't end up pregnant from this round of IVF, I feel very strongly that I will opt for a surgery first, to get rid of as much endo and lesions as possible, before starting a "FET", frozen embryo transfer (since we had one embryo survive long enough to be frozen!).

*endo pain and full episodes can also occur, for me, if I go from a sitting position to a standing position too fast (get up too fast), switch laying positions too fast, lean too far forward while in a sitting position (polishing toenails, picking something up from the floor, lean forward to tie my shoes wrong, do a full-body stretch (laying or standing —arms over head while both legs are straight.  Also, too much walking, standing, or movement (sweeping, yard work, vacuuming, mopping, or even recreational, etc.).  Sneezing causes pain, if I don't crouch down or curl up somehow, before, to brace for the forceful explosion, along with coughing, gagging (I do unfortunately have a very sensitive gag reflex and gag every single time I brush my teeth. lol).  And here's the real personal one... I'll share it only because I really try to spread awareness of how extreme endometriosis/"endo pain" changes a person's life.  After every single orgasm, I suffer with 20-45 mins of a painful endo episode (typical endo "episode": entire body tense from excruciating pain, have to focus on breathing to help keep nausea away.  When any extreme episode finally passes, I am EXHAUSTED, no matter how energetic I felt prior to the episode, and my whole body tingles from finally relaxing and getting good blood flow.)  Now, that really puts a damper on things, if you can imagine!  It's one thing to mess with my personal daily life, but it's really upsetting when it messes with my relationship! 

If you, or someone you know, experience anything similar to what I just described.  Please do NOT brush it off as "menstrual cramps" (because, yes, it does flare up even worse around 'that time of the month'); make an appointment with a doctor and tell them exactly what you experience and that you are concerned you might have "endometriosis".  And here's another important part to this:  if they don't do anything about it (look into it further) keep going to new doctor until you find one that will listen and take you seriously!!

I was 12 years old when I had my first signs of this horrible disease.  We thought it was just horrible menstruation — little did we, my mom, sis, and myself, know that "horrible" menstruation is the first sign to something being "wrong".  (I didn't get [correctly] diagnosed until I was 26!)  It's not normal. (now back to my blog... lol.  I just absolutely felt the need to share from my experiences and perspective.)


I got up to "go potty" and, a whole 28 mins later, the pain started to calm down.  I crawled back into bed, knowing that Chris's alarm would be waking him up in 30 mins and my alarm would go off in an hour and a half.  It took me an entire hour to fall back to sleep.  Thirty minutes later, my alarm went off.

KJ was the worse grump, when I went in to wake her up!  Cranky, yelling, complaining, whining, crying —very extreme this morning.  I did my best to help her be positive, but it didn't seem to do any good.  (I did my best to keep my blood pressure down and avoid "stress", as instructed after the transfer.)

We managed to leave on time and it was perfect —no traffic!  I had to be at RMA, Medical Ctr., by 9am, to get my progesterone level checked.  Everything was going so well... until my car started acting up.  I had already driven for 15 minutes; I only had another 10 minutes to drive, but I knew I wouldn't make it safely.  (my car refused to accelerate into fourth gear.  The engine just revs instead of jumping into fourth gear.  Then, at times, it would'n't even accelerate past first gear!)
   
"Don't stress...don't stress..."

There I was, 10 minutes away from my destination, parked in an unfamiliar neighborhood, crying.  I called and had to have my appointment moved to tomorrow.  I prayed and got back on the road, heading home, driving mostly in "2", second. —not "D"... that scared me too because I was afraid I was messing up my car even more, but that was the only way my car would accelerate enough to keep momentum.)

I reminded myself that there must be a reason for this —because on the way home, my car worked just fine, going into all the needed gears, most of the way.  If only I could have kept driving to my appointment!  It did, eventually, start acting up again when I was just minutes from my house, but still on the highway!

I made it home safely, by 9:17am, put some eggs in a pot to boil, and I'm now trying to "relax".  Car trouble is never a way to "relax" though. lol   

Today is "2dp5dt" (two days past 5 day transfer).  I have 9 more days before we test for pregnancy!


'To a better day!

IVF #1, Day 18: Transfer Day!!

Today, felt like a dream.  Everything about it felt like a dream...

Woke up at 7:45am.  Went to wake up KJ but she was a grump.  I sadly walked out of her room to go shower.  She realized I was really excited and that she might have hurt my feelings; she yelled from her bed, "Mom?!  I'm sorry if I was rude!  I don't mean to be rude!  I'm just tired."  I was happy that she was considering my feelings and apologized all on her own. :)

We left the house later than I wanted to because we were still grabbing last minute things for KJ (snacks, her book, a sweater, etc.).  Chris drove.

We signed in three minutes late.  No biggie; they weren't busy.  We were the only ones there.  We took a family photo to remember that moment.  It was full of excitement and joy!

I got called and the three of us quickly followed the nurse.  I was instructed to change into the gown, hair cover, and booties, once again.  I hopped into bed and then the embryologist came out.  She happily showed me a picture of our two beautiful embryos that "made it", without any doubt.  She said there was a third that might make it to freezing, but they wouldn't know until Wednesday.  (the fourth one definitely did not make it to day 5.)

The embryo on the right is the strongest.  She said it looks "perfect"!  The one on the left isn't quite there yet —it still has some work and catching up to do.

That's when she said that it is completely up to us, because we are down to just two embryos, if we want to transfer both or just one.  What a huge decision to have to make right then and there!  She stepped out, so Chris and I could discuss our plan.  I quickly told Chris that I want both to be transferred; he looked like he was going to pass out! lol  I reminded him that all this time, from beginning of IVF process, we had both been saying that we really hope they let us transfer two.  But now, he wasn't sure.  It was real and we needed a decision soon.  After some discussing, he was fully on board to transfer two (a high-five and all. lol!)

Dr. A made his way in to talk with us.  He gave us some medical facts and statistics on a twin pregnancy.  I'll be honest!  It really made me think twice about transferring both embryos.  But then I remembered that there are no guarantees that two embryos lead to a twin pregnancy.  I've known of two embryos leading to no pregnancy at all!  I had to remind myself that God is in control —over medical facts and statistics.  (I mean, when KJ was born five weeks early, according to the "charts", but was almost 7lbs, I remember how the statistics and medical facts were showing that she would need NICU and tubes.  We were told that she would develop slower.  I remember being really concerned, but then seeing how God took care of her and kept her out of NICU, never needing to go even once.  She's one smart kiddo and her pediatrician would always comment on how "amazing" she's coming along, more advanced than the "average kid", between 12 months and 4 years.  It's because God is amazing like that!).

So, when the doctor left the room, to give us time to, again, think it over, he left the room reassuring us that there is no "right or wrong answer", that it's our choice completely.  Chris seemed unsure about it just because he was really concerned about medical health of having twins (between myself and two babies).  I had to remind him that this does not guarantee twins; the way I saw it was, it was giving us two chances at the same time, instead of just one chance, at conceiving a baby.  He kept asking "what do you think?".  Without hesitation, I was telling him everything that was crossing my mind.  I kept coming back to the fact that God is in control.  If he hadn't had it in "our plan" to have a baby these past four and a half years, that we've been trying to conceive, then just because we transfer two does not mean that He does not have control over "our plan" anymore.  I, very strongly, felt that if twins were in our plan, God would take care of everything according to His will.  If all this time, only one baby is in our plan, then God will make sure it happens that way.  There was no other way for me to put it in words.  I just knew, and still know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God is fully in control and will bless us according to His plan for our lives.

I could tell Chris was still a bit hesitant but he said "okay, I trust you" and I remember thinking, "me?. . . you trust me?  What about God?  Don't you trust Him??!"  (then I thought, "Well, if I am trusting God and Chris is trusting my trust in God... then I sure hopes that means he also trusts that God is in control —no matter what we, or doctors, say or do...?")  So, we gave them our decision.... "Transfer two."

It was such a surreal experience for me.  *except as rough as Dr. A was, it reminded me that it was very real.  lol.  I couldn't hold back my emotions (I had already balled just when we saw the picture of our embryos.  It became as real as this whole experience can possibly be.  Life had been created and there it was, in picture form, right in front of my eyes.) and the staff member that stayed by my side, during the entire procedure, was absolutely God-sent and amazing!  She explained everything in detail.  Especially when things felt too rough, she calmly reassured me that it was almost done and she even offered for me to squeeze her hand (because I had a death grip on the blankets).  *for some reason, this particular doctor, in the two times he has had to be in my "personal areas", has seemed to be too much in a hurry and extremely rough.  :(  very disappointing!  Watching the transfer take place was amazing and emotional.  The idea of two fertilized embryos going into my uterus was incredible and almost too much to take in at once.  I did my best to enjoy every moment and just slow my thoughts down... one thought at a time; one moment at a time.  Only God knows what our future holds.

I was wheeled out to the recovery/rest area and told to lay completely flat for 30 minutes.  The three of us were more quiet than usual; everyone was kind of doing their own thing...

Laying for 30 mins

Keeping me company, eating her snacks. :)

Once the time was up, I changed and we drove home.  I laid on the couch the entire day, until we went to bed at 11pm or so.  (I did make sure to remember my progesterone shot on time.)  "Doctor's orders" were to lay flat for the rest of the day; tomorrow, you can sit up but still don't do anything —let your husband take care of all the cooking and cleaning."!! :)  (sounds like a great plan to me! haha)

I still can't believe that I'm laying around with two little embryos in my uterus... the only thing that reminds me that this is not a dream is when I look at our printed picture of our two beautiful embryos!!  I'm full of awe and amazement —that God has allowed us to see such early, early, stages of life... How amazing is that?!!!

I will go for a progesterone check on Thursday, at 9am.  They need to make sure my levels are 'just right'; if not, they'll have to raise my daily dose (injection).  The anticipated pregnancy test (blood work) is scheduled for October 27th!!!  Only 11 days away!!!  Wow —just wow.

We are counting down the days...

 *a few more pics:

Dr. A was nice enough to give us the petri dish, where our embryos fertilized and grew for 5 days, as a keepsake!  It's so small —only about the size of a quarter. (you can see the number "4" scratched on the dish, lower left side.)

Nightly injection of progesterone.  (doesn't he look just a little too happy