Week 31: Pineapples and "baby parts"

How far along?

31 weeks on 5/2/13

How big are the twinkies?

According to TheBump, the babies are approximately the size of

*On 4/26/13, my fundal height measured 36cm, I believe.  And then on 4/30/12, my fundal height measured 41!  Baby girl is super high again —and seems to be loving it.

How am I feeling?

Same 'ol, same 'ol... large and exhausted.  My lower abdominal muscles feel like they are barely being held together, like they are "busted". lol  It's quite painful to walk now —but I'll do what I can to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy.

I'm also feeling super grateful, still.  I recently told Chris that, in the beginning of the pregnancy, I felt 5% like I was living real life and 95% like I was lost in a dream, so grateful, "pinch me I can't believe I'm really pregnant" state of mind every single day.  Now, I feel about 45% like I'm living real life and 55% like I'm still lost in a dream, "this is real?  this is really happening?" state of mind during my "real life".  I definitely have more moments where I'm just doing my regular routine, which is now resting, drinking water, and plenty of potty breaks —but then I realize, "Oh yeah, I'm pregnant!  Wow, this actually feels normal now...".  Sad thing is, we are coming to the end of the pregnancy already.  *But I'm just now getting used to being pregnant!  lol

Weight?

+30

What do I miss?
I miss being able to put on socks and tennis shoes, and tying them, without feeling winded, like I've run a mile [or more].  I guess I'm just missing all the 'little things' I used to take for granted: showering, dressing, walking, and getting up, with ease —etc.

Symptoms?
Again, same 'ol, same 'ol... nausea and no appetite here and there.  Restless/sleepless nights.   Super heavy belly (a bit tough to move around lately).  Extremely sleep/tired during the day.  Swelling is still very mild and rarely happens.   ...aaaand new stretch marks, again.  Oh, and the "nesting" phase has definitely kicked in; but I can't actually do anything! :(

Cravings?

Cheese and pretzels.  Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  Anything chocolate: candy, baked goods, ice cream, etc.  Mmmm Chocolate!  Watermelon.  (I think I could eat it for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack time!)

Highlights of the week? 
KJ and visited the Zoo with some friends (where I actually felt like a side show for all the non-mannered zoo guests!  I can't believe the stares, sorry looks, and even comments that came my way --from ADULTS!!!  I heard several gasps, and even giggles, followed by some form of "oh my gosh, she's huge!", "Oh my goodness, poor thing.", etc.  I'd just smile and keep walking.  But by the time I was on my way out, I was done even making eye contact with these people.  I just kept walking.  And I promise you that it wasn't just in my head.  These people were so annoyingly obvious, turning their entire body, watching me pass by.  —oh well, right?! ugh!)

 

at the zoo

Fiesta pinata for the elephant

at the zoo

A "bug hunt" at the zoo.

Resting after the zoo (with a pointy, lopsided, contraction)

Playing with the big 'ol baby belly.

playing with the big 'ol baby belly.

I got a haircut!  —It was well over due.  And Chris and I got to spend some "alone time" together.  It was so nice.  We didn't do anything super fancy.  We went to La Cantera, where I finally gave in to my growing belly.  I bought some new stretchy shirts that will hopefully last to the end of the pregnancy.  We enjoyed a nice yummy treat together (without hearing "I want some!  I don't want to share!  I wish I could have the other one..." lol).

btw, I did NOT eat all that frosting.  I had to scrap it off —way too much!

Okay, not much of a 'highlight' of the week; but definitely needs to be remembered... I finally got to the point of NO SHAME.  lol  I have refused to ride in an electric scooter, in order to grocery shop.  Normally I just tough it out, or I just don't go -and Chris does it all alone (which he actually enjoys!).  However, I wanted to buy what we needed, along with some prop items for our upcoming maternity photo session.  So, I went straight for the electric scooter and [slowly] zoomed my way around Walmart.  LOL!!!  yup.  I reached that point.  *Oh, how I wish I had the energy and strength to walk through Walmart.

We took our maternity photos this week!  :)  What a WONDERFUL milestone, since we missed out during our first pregnancy due to being on bed-rest, in the hospital, during the time we would have been taking photos.  There's a blog post with more details of that day, and our first 'sneak peek'/preview:  A great [sweaty and humid] day for maternity photos


We also did some more odds and ends in the nursery.

...and this is what KJ did...  lol!

This is what I was doing while Chris dove in to the "nesting" phase.  Eventually, I went to sit and "watch" him work in the nursery.

I got to attend Robin's midwifery class, where students had a chance to feel around on my belly and figure out that I had twins.  ;)  It was a lot of fun!  My favorite quote was "oh, I feel a back over here (feeling baby boy's back) . . . wait, (feeling around other areas on my belly) there are a lot of baby parts everywhere!" lol!  And then KJ's favorite part was getting to meet, and pet (uck!!), a wonderful furry 'pet' opossum!  (another pregnant momma that was there happens to work with wildlife, and had just come from a 'wildlife encounter' with the little (not so little) opossum.)

Weekly prenatal visits will start on Friday, May 10... wow!  We're here!!  It kind of feels like "the end" already.  :(  Yes, I'm uncomfortable, but I'm just not ready to be close to "done"; I love being pregnant.

Belly watch:

IVF #1, Day 18: Transfer Day!!

Today, felt like a dream.  Everything about it felt like a dream...

Woke up at 7:45am.  Went to wake up KJ but she was a grump.  I sadly walked out of her room to go shower.  She realized I was really excited and that she might have hurt my feelings; she yelled from her bed, "Mom?!  I'm sorry if I was rude!  I don't mean to be rude!  I'm just tired."  I was happy that she was considering my feelings and apologized all on her own. :)

We left the house later than I wanted to because we were still grabbing last minute things for KJ (snacks, her book, a sweater, etc.).  Chris drove.

We signed in three minutes late.  No biggie; they weren't busy.  We were the only ones there.  We took a family photo to remember that moment.  It was full of excitement and joy!

I got called and the three of us quickly followed the nurse.  I was instructed to change into the gown, hair cover, and booties, once again.  I hopped into bed and then the embryologist came out.  She happily showed me a picture of our two beautiful embryos that "made it", without any doubt.  She said there was a third that might make it to freezing, but they wouldn't know until Wednesday.  (the fourth one definitely did not make it to day 5.)

The embryo on the right is the strongest.  She said it looks "perfect"!  The one on the left isn't quite there yet —it still has some work and catching up to do.

That's when she said that it is completely up to us, because we are down to just two embryos, if we want to transfer both or just one.  What a huge decision to have to make right then and there!  She stepped out, so Chris and I could discuss our plan.  I quickly told Chris that I want both to be transferred; he looked like he was going to pass out! lol  I reminded him that all this time, from beginning of IVF process, we had both been saying that we really hope they let us transfer two.  But now, he wasn't sure.  It was real and we needed a decision soon.  After some discussing, he was fully on board to transfer two (a high-five and all. lol!)

Dr. A made his way in to talk with us.  He gave us some medical facts and statistics on a twin pregnancy.  I'll be honest!  It really made me think twice about transferring both embryos.  But then I remembered that there are no guarantees that two embryos lead to a twin pregnancy.  I've known of two embryos leading to no pregnancy at all!  I had to remind myself that God is in control —over medical facts and statistics.  (I mean, when KJ was born five weeks early, according to the "charts", but was almost 7lbs, I remember how the statistics and medical facts were showing that she would need NICU and tubes.  We were told that she would develop slower.  I remember being really concerned, but then seeing how God took care of her and kept her out of NICU, never needing to go even once.  She's one smart kiddo and her pediatrician would always comment on how "amazing" she's coming along, more advanced than the "average kid", between 12 months and 4 years.  It's because God is amazing like that!).

So, when the doctor left the room, to give us time to, again, think it over, he left the room reassuring us that there is no "right or wrong answer", that it's our choice completely.  Chris seemed unsure about it just because he was really concerned about medical health of having twins (between myself and two babies).  I had to remind him that this does not guarantee twins; the way I saw it was, it was giving us two chances at the same time, instead of just one chance, at conceiving a baby.  He kept asking "what do you think?".  Without hesitation, I was telling him everything that was crossing my mind.  I kept coming back to the fact that God is in control.  If he hadn't had it in "our plan" to have a baby these past four and a half years, that we've been trying to conceive, then just because we transfer two does not mean that He does not have control over "our plan" anymore.  I, very strongly, felt that if twins were in our plan, God would take care of everything according to His will.  If all this time, only one baby is in our plan, then God will make sure it happens that way.  There was no other way for me to put it in words.  I just knew, and still know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God is fully in control and will bless us according to His plan for our lives.

I could tell Chris was still a bit hesitant but he said "okay, I trust you" and I remember thinking, "me?. . . you trust me?  What about God?  Don't you trust Him??!"  (then I thought, "Well, if I am trusting God and Chris is trusting my trust in God... then I sure hopes that means he also trusts that God is in control —no matter what we, or doctors, say or do...?")  So, we gave them our decision.... "Transfer two."

It was such a surreal experience for me.  *except as rough as Dr. A was, it reminded me that it was very real.  lol.  I couldn't hold back my emotions (I had already balled just when we saw the picture of our embryos.  It became as real as this whole experience can possibly be.  Life had been created and there it was, in picture form, right in front of my eyes.) and the staff member that stayed by my side, during the entire procedure, was absolutely God-sent and amazing!  She explained everything in detail.  Especially when things felt too rough, she calmly reassured me that it was almost done and she even offered for me to squeeze her hand (because I had a death grip on the blankets).  *for some reason, this particular doctor, in the two times he has had to be in my "personal areas", has seemed to be too much in a hurry and extremely rough.  :(  very disappointing!  Watching the transfer take place was amazing and emotional.  The idea of two fertilized embryos going into my uterus was incredible and almost too much to take in at once.  I did my best to enjoy every moment and just slow my thoughts down... one thought at a time; one moment at a time.  Only God knows what our future holds.

I was wheeled out to the recovery/rest area and told to lay completely flat for 30 minutes.  The three of us were more quiet than usual; everyone was kind of doing their own thing...

Laying for 30 mins

Keeping me company, eating her snacks. :)

Once the time was up, I changed and we drove home.  I laid on the couch the entire day, until we went to bed at 11pm or so.  (I did make sure to remember my progesterone shot on time.)  "Doctor's orders" were to lay flat for the rest of the day; tomorrow, you can sit up but still don't do anything —let your husband take care of all the cooking and cleaning."!! :)  (sounds like a great plan to me! haha)

I still can't believe that I'm laying around with two little embryos in my uterus... the only thing that reminds me that this is not a dream is when I look at our printed picture of our two beautiful embryos!!  I'm full of awe and amazement —that God has allowed us to see such early, early, stages of life... How amazing is that?!!!

I will go for a progesterone check on Thursday, at 9am.  They need to make sure my levels are 'just right'; if not, they'll have to raise my daily dose (injection).  The anticipated pregnancy test (blood work) is scheduled for October 27th!!!  Only 11 days away!!!  Wow —just wow.

We are counting down the days...

 *a few more pics:

Dr. A was nice enough to give us the petri dish, where our embryos fertilized and grew for 5 days, as a keepsake!  It's so small —only about the size of a quarter. (you can see the number "4" scratched on the dish, lower left side.)

Nightly injection of progesterone.  (doesn't he look just a little too happy

IVF #1: Random things to share

Of all the things to fill my mind, I found myself thinking, just now, "I really really hope that if the embryo(s) attach and become a pregnancy that I experience morning sickness!  Because then I know I'm pregnant!!" lol  I had not a single amount of morning sickness when I was pregnant with KJ.  Back then, I was super thankful and I loved it.  This time around, I wonder if I am going to feel like it's "not real" unless I feel some kind of huge change, daily...

I'm sure that's normal, right?  Crazy thoughts . . . hoping to become pregnant and be reminded every day.  Okay, maybe it's silly to some —but it crossed my mind and made me agree with myself.  lol

Something else that has happened and I forgot to mention in my daily posts:
The day that I was visiting my parents... last friday... Remember I mentioned spending the day with my parents and going out to some stores with them?  Well, we were shopping at Sam's Club and out of nowhere, we weren't even having a convo about IVF, Kryssa holds my mom's hand, looks up at her, and says "Grandma, maybe you should get IVF, too!!  Then I can have a baby..." she was about to say cousin but then I told her it would be her aunt —all while we were cracking up (and tearing up from laughing so hard) over what KJ had just said!!! LOL  My mom lovingly explained to KJ that God made women's bodies to not be able to have children after a certain age (but in my head, I was thinking . . . "hm, but IVF with donor eggs, and even sperm if needed, could work..." hahaha).  My poor child just want anyone to have a baby at this point.  She desperately longs for a little baby in her life, as do we.  :)

KJ has been involved with most of our IVF talks.  I've explained how it works (they take daddy's sperm and mommy's eggs and they fertilize the egg with the sperm.  Then they watch to see which ones are forming correctly and they will put one or two back into mommy's uterus in hopes that it attaches to the lining and grows into a baby... *I still am partially thankful that she has not asked, yet, how that normally happens without IVF.  I haven't had to explain how body parts come together and I really don't think I'm ready to explain that yet... is that wrong of me?  What if she already knows —because she knows about individual parts and has figured it out??  ugh!  I don't even want to think about it now...*   Okay, so, she knows that the injections I've been on are to help produce as many eggs as possible and she knows that the eggs are going to be retrieved on tomorrow, Thursday ... This morning, 6am, I go in to wake her up and, so randomly, she asks me, "Mommy?... are the eggs they are going to retrieve just like regular eggs, like the eggs we eat?"  My heart melted with love —over her child-like thoughts.  I love hearing her questions as she grows!  I giggled as I kindly told her "no" and then reminded her that they are super duper micro-scopic...  As I got ready for my appointment, I just kept laughing, in my head, thinking of KJ thinking about her mom filling up with these "regular eggs, like the eggs we eat"... LOL  I wonder if she thought I could lay eggs too. hahaha!

Last, but not least, I have been so overwhelmed with love towards our KJ.  She has been so considerate, loving, and helpful, in any way possible, during this whole process.  She has held my hand several times, when she would see me cringing from pain of the Menopur injection.  She has kept me hydrated —she loves to serve me ice water; I think, in her mind, it helps relax me (which it does because I love drinking ice water throughout the day).  Most nights, during injections, she would call out from the stairs, asking if she could watch —saying, "I can't sleep knowing you're getting your injections..."

This IVF cycle really has brought out the best in our family.  We don't know what the outcome with be —new baby or not.  But the journey alone, so far, has been such a blessing!  (not to mention the connections I've made with other people, so-called "strangers", that have traveled this same journey;  all the love, support, prayers, and encouraging words from family, friends, and fellow "IVFers"!  I am so grateful.)

Pep Boys will NEVER get my business again!

What a day!  Chris took my car to Pepboys because I had my a/c worked on back on June 5 and by June 8 it needed to be worked on again.  Well, time sure has passed but we finally made it back to Pep Boys today.  They weren't able to find the problem... I was told that they had checked everything out with my a/c and could not find the problem. 

As I drove away from Pep Boys, I remembered that I needed to return a motor mount from Auto Zone, that we had purchased in February...

**When I went to Pepboys on June 5th, for the a/c, I also asked them to look into the rattling my car was doing.  (A friend of ours had already fixed two, out of three, motor mounts on the car in February.)  Well, Pepboys told me that the mount that hadn't been repaired yet needed to be repaired.  So, I added that to the a/c repair.  I paid over $500 for the repairs that day.  When I went to drive my car, I noticed it was still rattling.  I went back in and they told me I would have to go back the next day because the mechanics had already left for the night.  I went back a day or two later and was told to go back later that afternoon because I needed to talk to the mechanic that had worked on my car, and he wasn't there yet.  I went back later that day (and was then told that someone should have helped me when I went the first time, that morning.  I should NOT have had to go back!).  Then I was told that a different motor mount, one that our friend had replaced, needed to be replaced again.  They told me it was a bad mount and was causing the rattling.  I couldn't leave my car that night so I told them I would take my car back in, again, the next day, June 8th.  I managed to keep my cool and stay positive that the rattling would finally stop.  The mount was replaced and I paid right under $150. (the rattling did NOT go away and they told me that there was nothing more they could do.  "sometimes cars just rattle..."  Uh, the car is only an '03!)  I asked for the old mount back so that I could return it back to Auto Zone, since it had only been on the car for a few months (and the car wasn't even being driven for most of that time)**

...So, as soon as I picked my car back up, I went straight to Auto Zone.  Auto Zone, looked at the part that I was telling them needed to be returned because Pep Boys said it was faulty and needed to be replaced.  The guy looked at me and told me that Pep Boys was wrong and that there was nothing wrong with the part.  He looked carefully at all the parts that would be cracked IF it was actually a bad part.  He showed me where the cracks would be and what do you know... the part was NOT bad in any way.

Without thinking, I asked if they would be able to return the part anyway because I had already paid for the repair at Pep Boys.  Then they kindly knocked some sense into me!  They told me that I should go back to Pep Boys and get my money back because I did NOT need to pay all that money for a repair that was not needed.  Duh!  Why didn't I think of that?!  I immediately called Pep Boys and, of course, got the run around.  The guy had the stupidity to tell me "well, if there's nothing wrong with the mount then Auto Zone should return it."  I responded with "If there's nothing wrong with the mount then it NEVER should have been replaced and I should NOT have had to pay $143!".  He asked me if I could go back to Pep Boys and speak to them in person because it was all "too confusing" to figure it out over the phone —and I'd need to speak with the service manager.

I called for backup... I called my parents.  I know, I know, I'm almost 30 years old and I'm a big girl now.  But they recently had similar issues with Pep Boys charging them for parts that were never replaced and they got there money back without a hassle (on two different work orders!! BAD Pep Boys!!  All that happened AFTER I had already taken my car for repairs —or else I never would have trusted Pep Boys with my car.).  So, they met me there just for "support" and reinforcements, if needed. ha!

When I walked in, the guy told me that nothing would be able to be done today because the service manager already left for the day.  I flipped out because over the phone, he told me the service manager was out to lunch and would be back in 30 minutes, and I should go in person after 30 mins.  He then tells me that when we were on the phone he didn't know that he had already left for the day —he really thought he had just left for lunch.  (He could have had the decency to at least call me back when he found out.  No, instead, he let me go all the way back for him to tell me to go in tomorrow?  I think not!!  I told him that something HAD to be done today because I was so tired of having to go another day to take care of things they have done.  He then looks at the part and says that it is faulty and I should take it back to Auto Zone and get a refund.  He also told me that they wouldn't know if it is a bad part because they don't "repair cars".  Uh, really?!  They wouldn't know if a part is good or bad even though that's what they look at alllll day long??!  Seriously?!  I then told the guy that Auto Zone will not take it back because there is nothing wrong with mount —it didn't need be be replaced like I was told by a Pep Boys mechanic.  He said, "I'll be right back." and was gone for about 10 mins...

He returned with all my $143 and change in hand!  (I was thinking "Oh!  I thought you said you couldn't make a refund like that on your own??...")  Then he tries to tell me that he needs my part, the one that they told me was bad; the one I had already paid for out of pocket.  Or that they would need to take the one that they put on my car off.  I told him that I didn't want them working on my car anymore and that the part that was in my hand was originally mine!  He tried telling me that he needs to show a faulty part for the return.  I told him that it wasn't my fault!  "If your mechanic hadn't told me that I needed this repair we wouldn't be in this situation.  This is my part.  I paid for it and the one on my car is there because your mechanic wanted to charge me for something that didn't need to be done!"  Then he tries to tell me that I should give him the part back because he is actually giving me more than what it's worth anyway... Is he really that stupid?!?  ( I really don't like calling people stupid!!  BUT seriously!!!)  He really thinks he was doing me a favor?!  I told him "You're not giving me any extra money!  You are giving me exactly what I paid out of pocket for something that didn't need to be done!  You're not giving me anything to cover my travel expenses or my time.  So, I should get every single penny back, not just what I paid Auto Zone for this part!"  He responded with "okay, I'm not going to argue with you over this."  he put the part back in the box, handed it to me, made me sign the receipt for the refund, and I was out the door.

GEEEEEZ!!!!!  What drama!!  I wish I really could get reimbursed for all the gas and time I've spent dealing with the problems they have caused.  Unfortunately, the a/c repair, I'm stuck with —even though my a/c still doesn't work properly.  They say that what they repaired is not the current problem.  So, I'm taking my car elsewhere and if I found out that Pep Boys did not fix what they say they did or that the parts they used were not new, I will be back for another refund!

On a good note:  I now have some cash to put towards the a/c repair! :)

Time to let go...

I've been up and down lately, with emotions.  I've been feeling really confused and sad and then really confident and joyful.  I've been trying to evaluate my life, thinking there needs to be some serious changes.  My marriage is still healing and I am working on myself —to be Love in my marriage (forgiving, kind and gentle with my actions and words, slow to anger, not holding grudges, etc.).  I am constantly reminding myself to "let go" of our battle with infertility and my battle with endometriosis.  I've been working on not letting myself turn bitter because of what has "happened" to me (in my marriage, with my health, and in my past —unfortunately, yes, it still finds a way to creep into my head and heart).  I'm working on staying away from the "Me" syndrome.  I don't want to have a pity party.  I want to just shake it off and keep moving forward. (easier said than done)

Today was a great day.  I felt great.  I felt "together".  I felt motivated.  Then, out of nowhere, around 8pm, the sadness and frustration took over.  I managed to overcome the heavy feelings and I was thankful to God...  then I came across a new blog, a great blog, Uncover Ministries.  It talks about having courage and letting go.  It stirred something inside of me.  I know I have a lot of healing to do.  Next month will be 5 years since I've known that I need to face the dark places of my past —and I still haven't. (I thought it wasn't an issue anymore and then right when I was about to turn 25 it hit me like a ton of bricks.)  I haven't known where to start.  The most I've faced anything is just having quiet time with God about it.  I confided in a friend last summer and we casually talked about our pasts.  But it only caused me to realize even more dark places of my past —parts of my past that I had been blind to see, until that conversation.  It confused, angered, hurt, and shook me up all over again.

So, as I read through the Uncover Ministries blog, it made me question "How much more courage must I need in order to face my past and actually "let go"?"  I really thought I had faced it and let go —enough to live my 'adult life'.  I sat and thought . . . and prayed.  I really need to find that starting point.  I'm realizing now that I have a lot more "letting go" than I originally thought.  I want to find that place in my life where I no longer carry the heaviness, anxiety, hurt, and anger of my past.

This song came to mind as I thought whether or not to post.  As much as I wondered what "others" might think after reading this post, the reminder that I'm not alone in this, and the thought that this might help someone else tonight, outweighed any concerns and hesitations I had...

Be blessed and stay encouraged!

(music video below)
Whatever You're Doing
by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

[Chorus]
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

[Chorus]

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

It's my spine! -kind of important, you'd think.

I had an MRI on Thursday.  Boy oh Boy was that an experience!  I am claustrophobic... enough said?!  I'll just say that the MRI "tunnel", as I like to call it, was the absolute smallest space I have ever had to be in!! :(  I kept my eyes closed and sang all sorts of praise and worship songs in my head.  It was a very long 20 mins.  I survived.

The results:  I have a bulging disc in my lower spine.  I don't know the exact location (like L4 or whatever).  The person who called me didn't seem as informative as I expected.  She just told me "uh, Mrs. Mayfied?  You're MRI results are in and the doctor found that you have a bulging disc.  It's what's causing your pain.  You need to follow up with the pain management specialist.  Do you have any questions?" —UHHH . . . YEAH!! is what I was thinking.  I had to ask about being able to return to work.  I was just told "if pain is manageable, you can return to work".  Really?!  that's all?!  wow.

So, now knowing that something definitely is messed up in there, I was bummed and concerned, of course.  When I called the pain management specialist, the next available appointment, because I am a new patient, isn't until January 12th!!  What am I supposed to do about the pain and stiffness until then?! :(  How frustrating!!


I just don't know what else to do right now --other than continue strong pain meds, that aren't even working anymore... and rest as much as possible.  I plan on working this week.  I'm just not sure exactly which day will be my first.  I'm not sure how I'm going to manage.  I must rely on God —for healing, strength, motivation, and positive thoughts...

I must say, though, I have been absolutely amazed with the wonderful people in my life —such blessings.  They've gone above and beyond.  So kind and thoughtful.  So willing and quick to respond.  I am so blessed and thankful.

Say the right thing

I read this article and found it very informative, useful, encouraging.

In this article:
WHEN A FRIEND HAS A MISCARRIAGE
WHEN SOMEONE GETS DIVORCED
WHEN A FRIEND IS INFERTILE
WHEN A FRIEND'S CHILD IS SERIOUSLY ILL

Parents.com
Say the Right Thing

By Andrea J. Buchanan

It's hard to know how to help when a friend has a miscarriage or fertility problems, or is going through a divorce. Here are the best ways to tell her you care.


When a Friend Has a Miscarriage

Lisa Bertrand, of St. Louis, felt sad and alone after her pregnancy ended at nine weeks. Her friends and family tried to be supportive, but some of their remarks were piercing and painful. "One friend said, 'The baby must have had a lot of problems,'" she recalls. "To me, it sounded like she was saying, 'It probably wasn't a perfect baby, and so what's there to be so upset about?'" What helped was talking to a friend who cried with Bertrand when she told her the news. "That friend really understood how I felt, and I ended up being the one reassuring her, saying, 'Don't worry; I'll be okay,'" Bertrand said.

No matter how clunky their reaction, most people genuinely want to make a friend who's lost a baby feel better. "Even the most insensitive things that pop out of their mouth are usually motivated by an impulse to make everything okay," says Ann Douglas, author of The Mother of All Pregnancy Books. With a miscarriage, what often gets minimized is the depth of the loss -- or at least that's how it can feel to someone who is hurting. "Even a very early miscarriage is the loss of a baby, and that causes grief," Douglas says. In addition, a woman who loses a pregnancy often feels guilty, as if it's somehow her fault. Friends who don't acknowledge what happened can compound that feeling. "If you aren't sure what to say, just say, 'I'm so sorry,'" suggests Douglas. "It might seem generic, but in most cases, it's the most appropriate thing to tell someone."

Don't say...

• "It just wasn't meant to be." It's easy to be philosophical when it's not happening to you.
• "Are you going to try again?" When someone's grieving the loss of an unborn child, she doesn't really want to think about another just yet.
• "At least you know you can get pregnant!" Right. But she also knows she can lose the baby. Not something she wants to be reminded of.

Do say...

• "I'm so sorry to hear about what happened."
• "I'm here if you feel like talking about it."
• "Can I watch your kids or run errands for you? I'd like to help in any way I can."

When Someone Gets Divorced

My friend Sarah separated from her husband when their son was 4, and she was stunned when a casual acquaintance reacted to the news with a cluck of the tongue. "She said, 'Oh, your poor kid' -- as if I hadn't thought of him in all of this!" When Katie Allison Granju, of Knoxville, Tennessee, first told people she was parting with her husband after three kids and 13 years of marriage, a clueless friend asked, "Have you considered counseling?"

The common thread in these reactions is the assumption that a friend who's getting divorced is overlooking something. But odds are that she's been considering this move carefully for a long time. No matter how resolved she is about her decision, though, a divorce still brings out all sorts of feelings: anger, guilt, shame, sometimes even a sense of relief. "The best thing you can do is listen," says Randi E. Platt, a psychologist in private practice in Philadelphia. "Emotions run high when a marriage breaks up, and your friend needs someone who can help her deal with her feelings."

Don't say...

• "Was he cheating?" Never press for details -- it's none of your business unless your friend needs to vent.
• "Did you think about how this will affect the children?" Yes, your friend has probably thought about this far more than you can imagine.
• "My parents got divorced when I was a kid, and I used to wish they could get back together." Your story is not relevant -- unless your friend explicitly asks for your memories on this subject.

Do say...

• "I just called to see how you're doing and to tell you I'm sorry that you've been going through such a difficult time."
• "How are you holding up? Let me know if you'd like to meet for coffee."
• "You're going to get through this."

When a Friend Is Infertile

When Andrea Young, of Richardson, Texas, grappled with infertility she heard all the classics: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant." "My brother's friend's wife took vitamin E and finally got pregnant." "You could always adopt." She got so used to these kinds of comments that she almost became numb to them. "But some really stung, especially ones that implied infertility was a weakness on my part," Young recalls.
If you haven't dealt with infertility, it's hard to understand how consuming and emotionally challenging it can be. Someone who can't conceive often finds it tough to be around pregnant women and new moms -- and her feelings of self-esteem are probably at an all-time low. Infertility can put a strain on a couple's relationship, and the medical treatment itself causes emotional ups and downs. "It's important to be extremely sensitive to how difficult the situation is for your friend," Platt says. If she wants to share details of the ordeal, be available to listen. But if she doesn't offer information, don't pry. Above all, take cues from her about what kind of situations she can -- and can't -- handle.
Don't say...

• "I just know you're going to get pregnant soon!" Actually, you don't.
• "That's awful. You must be so depressed." It's presumptuous to assume you know how someone else feels. And a person in crisis doesn't need to be reminded of her pain.
• "My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant!" Talk about bragging -- and rubbing salt in the wound.

Do say...

• "I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I could help."
• "I'd love to hear about what's happening, if you feel comfortable talking about it."
• "Call me anytime if you need to vent."

When a Friend's Child Is Very Ill

Melinda Wenner Bradley, of Glen Mills, Pennsylvania, was shocked by how one woman reacted when she told her that her toddler had cancer. "She said, 'Aren't you terrified?' right there in front of my older child," Bradley recalls. "What I wanted to say was, 'No, I don't have time to be terrified. And even if I was, I wouldn't want my kids to know.'" Now that her son's prognosis is good, she encounters people who talk about how relieved she must be that his illness is over. "I know they mean well," Bradley says. "But the reality is, cancer isn't ever over. He'll be undergoing tests every few months for years."

People are usually eager to help when a friend is dealing with a medical crisis. But unless offers of help are specific, they can be overwhelming. Since your pal will be spending a lot of time at doctors' appointments and the hospital, let her know exactly what you can do: pick up her other kids at school, deliver a hot meal for the family, or send an e-mail update to friends she doesn't have time to contact. She'll need emotional support as well, so tell her you're available if she wants to talk. And make sure she knows that your offer to help is not a one-time thing. "Be there for her on an ongoing basis," Douglas says. "It takes months -- even years -- for people to come to terms with a major event like a seriously ill child. Your friend will appreciate having your support over the long term."

Don't say...

• "Oh, I know someone who had something like that, and he's fine." Unless it was exactly like that, please don't share. Also, never talk about kids who had a similar diagnosis and didn't make it.
• "I hope it's not terminal." Not something your friend wants to contemplate right now. And if she does, let her bring it up.
• "Is it contagious?" You may be concerned about your own kids, but this question sounds selfish and insensitive.

Do say...

• "I'm sorry to hear your son is in the hospital. I'd be happy to pick your daughter up from soccer practice so you'll have one less thing to worry about."
• "I've been thinking about you a lot. How are you doing?" Then make sure you really listen. There might not be anything more to say.
• "I can sit with you, do some online research -- whatever you need, I'll do it." Don't be afraid to throw out ideas. She might be too freaked out to think straight.

When Someone Says Something Hurtful to You

If you're going through a crisis, and someone makes a remark you find inappropriate, you have every right to cut the encounter short, says Susan O'Doherty, PhD, a psychologist in Brooklyn. Say something like, "Thanks for your concern," and then change the subject. Or, if you're comfortable being more direct, say, "I'm sorry, I don't really feel like talking about this."

Copyright © 2008 Meredith Corporation. Used with permission from the July 2008 issue of Parents magazine.

Who felt worse?

Today, our very good friend, Ciara, got married.  :)  I had the honor of singing during the ceremony.  I was nervous beyond belief (I haven't sung in front of others in waaaay too long) and when I got through the ceremony without passing out, I was ready to relax and enjoy the rest of the celebrations.

All that changed when we sat at a table, at the reception, and I was flat out asked, "So, when are you due?"  HA!!  I asked, "excuse me?!" (just making sure I heard her correctly) and she actually stalled a bit and then asked "are you expecting?" or "you're expecting, right?".  I, blinked, took a deep breath, smiled and kindly said "No."

I HATE SMALL TALK WITH STRANGERS!!!  I really don't like social events.  Must I explain any further?  People pulling random things out of the air -just to fill dead space.  Why must we talk?!  Can't we just sit at the same table and enjoy the reception without pretending that we care where we grew up, what we do for a living, how many kids we have, etc.?!?!  ugh.

I wanted to leave.  I really wonder who felt worse --the person that just put her foot in her mouth or the person that is desperately trying to conceive and just got called out for having a round figure.  :(  I felt bad for her . . . and I felt like crying for me.

I excused myself to go to the restroom to share the 'laugh' and awkward moment with my mom (I really just wanted to hide there for a while).  My mom was so kind with her words.  We both agreed that "maybe it's a sign" that it's coming soon for us...

About 20 mins later her and her husband excused themselves and left.  I was really relieved.  I don't know that I would have been able to suck that one up and enjoy the rest of my time with the happy Mr. and Mrs. Charles.  It still took me about and hour to shake it off and enjoy the celebration.

My husband was careful around me and handled it really well --with giving me a big hug and helping me get my mind off of it.  I know if I wasn't trying to conceive that I would have more than likely laughed it off and not even have been bothered by the question.  But that wasn't the case.  For the last week and a half, I have been calming myself as much as possible and reminding myself to trust God's timing with expanding our family.  I've been trying to focus on anything other than the fact that I'm so anxious to test again, after this last cycle.  So, Chris understood my hidden tears.  I could have just sobbed right then and there.

So, I just want to share with you another way to ask the same question and avoid a situation like this one.  :)
Choice one: "How many children do you have?" (if I were answering that question, and pregnant, I would respond by saying "we have one and one on the way")
Choice two:  "Planning on having any more children?" (if I were answering this question, and pregnant, I would respond by saying "Yup!  We have one on the way!")

Has this ever happened to you? (on either side of the situation)

How would you ask --without assuming the person's belly is a 'baby bump'?

Please share your stories . . . I'd love to know I'm not the only one.

Thanks to this lady, I'll probably test every day for the next two weeks!  ;)  (not really, but it will be hard to resist)

ah, sweet lullabies

Success!!  Two toddlers are snoozing away.  :)  Took only about 5 mins of hair rubbing and patting.  Phew! :)

I now get my "lunch break" -yummy left overs from dinner last night and cyber surfing (blogging and watching online shows).  Ah, beautiful lullabies . . . please don't weigh my eyelids down...

beeping microwave calls me . . . time to eat!!  :P

Should Life be a casting call?!

Why can't people just BE real and LET people be real?! What's the point of life if one just walks around "acting". Must be great then, I guess, because one can act whatever role is convenient for the moment . . . Oh and when I say "let people be real" --yes, it's each individual's choice, should not be determined by others. However, what I mean by that is just let people be (leave people be).

Wow, I could soooooo use "real" people in my life. Well, maybe I should insert the word "more" -right before "real" . . . I'm soooo irritated right now --it just really hit a nerve with me.


On a MUCH lighter note:

KJ just walked into my room and said, "look mommy, magic!" as she clenched a crayon in her hand and then just flexed open her fist and we watched the crayon dive quickly to the ground. I started laughing because it was cute and I was thinking that the "magic" was how it quickly "disappeared" as it fell out of her hand. She slapped her head with embarrassment and said "doh! That's not what it does when Nicholas does it." (Nicholas is a a classmate)
"What does it do when Nicholas does it?" I asked, realizing she really meant for it to be a different "magic" trick.
"It sticks to his hand when he opens it up. That's how he does it."
"Try again; maybe squeeze it tighter this time before letting go." I wondered if Nicholas really has tricks up his sleeve when he awes his little friends in his class with his "magic". hee hee

She tried one more time and it didn't work. I suggested that she should ask him how he does it --maybe he's too new of a magician to have mastered the "a magician never reveals his secrets" code.

hee hee

KJ sure did entertain me though --a magician in my eyes; and a comedian! ha ha