IVF #1, Days 32-34: bloated like a blimp!

Day 32, 10/30:
I went in for my second Beta.  It didn't double but the nurse said that it is rising wonderfully.  :)

Took two 1 1/2 hr naps, trying to make it through the day.  I don't remember being so exhausted when I was pregnant with KJ.  (I'm thinking it may have a lot more to do with the daily Progesterone in oil injections.  I read a lot about "fatigue".)


Day 33, 10/31
Happy Halloween!  We were a nice concoction of fun.  hee hee!

Psy (Gangnam Style), a scarecrow, Cleopatra, a bumble bee, and a hotdog! :)

I also made my first "pregnancy" purchase, a "Beband" (to wear over my jeans, since I can't button them up anymore).  I like to think of it as "IVF bloating purchase" because the bloating has only gotten worse over the last week (my belly button is actually almost flush with my skin, because of the amount of bloating I'm dealing with!).  :(  I don't fit into my regular pants anymore.  Even the ones I bought a few weeks ago, to help ease my bloating discomfort!  I just look fat right now and all I'm reading about IVF bloating is that it doesn't really start to go down until about the time you actually start to show your baby bump... so, I'll look fat for a while and then just fatter.  LOL!  Trust me, I'm not complaining —just preparing myself for what I'll see when I look in the mirror over the next months.

Once my belly firms up a bit I'm sure it will ease my frustrations.  I just want to "feel" pregnant, instead of super bloated.  I look forward to that change!


Day 34, 11/1:
I'm so happy it's November!  October feels like it was all about IVF and this month, I look forward to everything pregnancy! :D  It's like a whole new chapter!!! (finally.  Praise God!)

I have to order more needles, syringes, and progesterone in oil.  That definitely feels like progress.  :)  It's much, much, better than having to re-order IVF meds (which I had been preparing myself for —just in case.).

I also have to figure out how to get out of this exhaustion funk.  All I want to do is sleep and lay down.  I have so much cleaning to do and no energy or motivation to do any of it.  My hubby works all day and I would love for him to be able to come home to a nice clean house... but lately, he's been coming home to one chore being partially done and finding me in bed.  I feel so bad.  :(

We are only eight days away from our first "pregnancy ultrasound".  It just seems so strange —the idea that there should be a baby (or two) in my uterus, this time around.  I can't even count the number of times I have had an ultrasound, due to endo, pcos, or IVF, over the last four and a half years, and seen an empty uterus.  I really have forgotten what it will be like to see life in there!!  We are SO extremely excited, and thankful to God, every single day!! :D

Last night, as we were getting ready for bed, I told Chris, "Hey hun!"
"What?"
"We're pregnant!"
In a very monotone voice, he responded with a very short, "yup."

lol.  He says he is past the point of not believing it anymore.  I guess I'm the only one still in the "I can't believe it" stage.  Oh well... maybe I'll believe it more once I see what's going on in there, next Friday.  :)

IVF #1, Day 19-22: The waiting game continues...

Tears, tears, and more tears...

I thought I would be emotional from the menopur, follistim, ganirelix, etc; instead, I'm emotional while on progesterone.  Is that normal?  I'm flustered often and feel "blue" most days.  So many thoughts run through my head and I work at staying occupied, to avoid more emotions and thoughts.

We are currently down to one car (and it's the one that is in worse condition) —Bummer!  Also, we are looking to re-home our adorable German Shepherd puppy, that we got for KJ.  —I feel so very sorry for KJ.  It's not her fault, nor the puppy's, that my health and capabilities are not where they need to be in order to raise a puppy, her size (approximately 35-40lbs, maybe more?).  I can't risk throwing my back out again.  I can't risk being layed out from severe endo flare-ups.  And most importantly, I can't risk, messing up this round of IVF over a pup —no matter how adorable and fun she can be...  The fact of the matter is that she is more than what I can do right now and I don't know what kind of limitations my future may hold.

On top of all the other stuff, I have not been working, so things are getting tighter and tighter right now.  I have to say, thankfully, we are in a very good place in our relationship, because last year, all these things, piled on top of one another, we would have been at each others throats, with intense silent treatments, daily —probably.  So, praise God for growth and unconditional love! 

We got through the first part of "the wait".  Now, we just have to make it 'til Saturday...  I really think this week will be tougher than the last.

I haven't been sleeping well at all —tossing and turning all night long, with sweaty-hot and shivering-cold flashes.  Also, I've been having very intense, uncomfortable, dreams (where I or my family are in danger).

Today is day 22.  We are still on 1cc of progesterone, nightly.  Tonight was the first night I needed to switch to my left butt cheek.  Tonight's injection was our 11th progesterone injection (10 were all on my right side, all bunched up in about the size of a quarter).  Last night, I think Chris passed through a blood vessel or something, because it's super duper sore AND has a puffy green bump (reminds me of when I used to pop blood vessels, on my wrist(s), when I used to play volleyball —but on my butt. lol)  It HURTS!!! :(

side effects that I've notice:
super sleepy (like needing several hours of a nap during the day to make it through 'til bedtime)
I get crazy "munchies"
Super thristy
sore "boobos"
very irritable
more random endo episodes
...so basically, it's like a very long stretch of PMS  (poor Chris and KJ!)

Sorry I haven't been blogging everyday, these past few days.  It just feels a little depressing that my only updates, really, are "very emotional again today"... lol  I hope it ends soon.

Goodbye Twenties. Hello Thirties!

I still have to double check this is real life!  I don't feel like it's time to be thirty, lol.  But it is what it is, right?  I had really been excited to turn thirty.  For me, it meant starting a new decade and for some reason that excited me.  However, the last day of my twenties became an emotional day of great memories:  celebrating 10 wedding anniversaries, auditioning for American Idol, having our baby, buying our first house, paying off our car, having crazy pets over the years (a ferret, 4 cats, 5 dogs, many fish, one that was approximately seven years old before it passed, and KJ's hamster), fostering a wonderful teenager, traveling, watching our 'little one' grow up, and many, many more!

Because I had to start my ivf injections on my birthday, I tried my absolute best to have as much fun as possible and keep my mind busy with making new memories.  I woke up at 7:30am, to color my 'white streak' purple (I literally have a skunk-looking streak of white hair, started when I was 15, right in the front of my hairline).  Then I went on my way to my favorite breakfast place, to meet my mom, sister and close girlfriends.  Parking, at this restaurant, is always an incredible challenge.  So, what did I do?  I parked on the non-paved part because I knew I could squeeze in past a shrub.  Did I forget to mention that it had rained all day the day before and it had rained all night too —oh yeah, I did.  I wasn't worried about mud because I had decided to wear my fun rain boots.  However, my mom, on the other hand, was somehow convinced, by her wonderful birthday girl, to park in the same area.  Her car is much bigger and much more front-heavy (I have a Focus and she has an Impala).  The spot that was available was just slightly on a downward slant —and I do mean slight.  And if you haven't guessed it already . . . she ended up stuck in the mud! :(  I felt horrible because that is exactly why she did NOT want to try parking in that spot.  But I told her it would be fine.  Um, I know now that I'm not an expert with mud! ha!  She tried for a while and then I gave it my try at driving her car out of nasty mud.  There was a very nice man that saw us and offered his help (verbal direction and making sure I wouldn't hit anything on my way out).  Approximately 20 minutes later, we were out of the mud!!! (and covered in it too! lol).  We were cleaned up (enough) once it was time to sit with friends, for brunch.  I had a wonderful time chatting with everyone.  

After brunch, we spontaneously went to paint some pottery.  My sis had a great idea, for everyone to  paint on one "birthday plate" together.  My girlfriend bought the pottery piece, and we all painted it together.  It was so much fun!!  My sister painted a hippo, one of my favorite things, in the bowl and everything looks perfect.  I'm so excited to pick it up on Wednesday.  (I'll post pics of the finished product)

From there, everyone said their goodbyes and KJ got to ride with grandma, while Chris and I had 30 mins, or so, of quiet time together.  It was wonderful getting to sit and eat some frozen yogurt with him; however, because things calmed down, all we could really talk about was ivf, our injections being only hours away, and the possibility of actually getting to have a second baby.  As nice as it is to daydream and try to plan ahead, the reality of this journey is that we just have no way of knowing what the end results will be —but sometimes it's just comforting planning ahead, for a newborn baby...

I had a quick decision to make, go home and rest before our first injections OR go out to another restaurant to celebrate again... I chose Pappadeaux! :)  This allowed me to celebrate with our dads and with my hubby (since the brunch was just for the gals).  On the way to the restaurant, Chris stopped and bought a carrot cake, my favorite!  And once we parked at the restaurant, he got busy decorating the cake for me...

Celebrating my 30th birthday was wonderful.  It was toned down and very simple —yet extremely memorable!  It was nothing like I had originally planned (I had thought to do something big and extreme, since it was my thirtieth.  but due to IVF my plans had to change and I was, eventually, okay with that.) but it was so perfect!

*I knew I'd have to really work on not crying all day for everything and nothing at the same time.  My mom gave me such an amazing gift:  A shadow box with some very memorable items from when I was first born.  I held it together as best as I could . . . watery eyes and a lump in the throat —but I managed to not break down and cry.  And then one of my bffs (of 14 yrs) handed me another gift:  in the gift bag was a super cute purse and a small bottle of lotion.  I see "Lamaze" on the bottle and think to myself, "I know I've seen this brand somewhere; what is this?"  And then I read: "Belly Cream".  There wasn't a single dry eye at our table (even a girl friend of mine that, seriously, NEVER cries, lol!).  My friend explained that she truly believes that I will have a baby in my belly some day and that lotion will come in handy...  ;)  What a sweet and thoughtful gift.  Later, at dinner, my father-in-law gave me a gift bag with my favorite box of Godiva chocolate and a small bag of Godiva truffles!!  Even though I can't have chocolate right now, I look forward to being able to break into that box and bag and enjoy a small taste in maybe a month or so! :)

So this is what life feels like at thirty? ... it feels amazing!

finished pottery piece!

Fun birthday present!

Painting pottery

delicious chocolates for future enjoyment!

More Godiva chocolates for future enjoyment!

My hippo cake from my hubby!

Carrot cake made by mom! (my favorite!)

**Low Battery**

Today was a busy day, in my book —full of repetitive 'to-do' items.  Here are some nitty gritty details...

Woke up at 7:15am (considered a "late" day but I still really struggled waking up).  Woke KJ up.  Showered and dressed, while she "accidentally" fell back asleep.  :(  Finally got her out of bed.  Gave her morning instructions, "Get dressed, brush your teeth, get your shoes on, get something for breakfast, I need to fix your hair...", while I put my make-up on.  Fixed her lunch.  Brushed and fixed her hair.  Drove KJ to her summer camp.  Got out.  Walked and signed KJ in.  Walked back to car.  Drove 15 mins, back home... tidied up a bit.  Drove back to KJ's summer camp to watch their little "parade" (super cute!).  Drove back home.  Gave KJ some instructions, "wash your hands, feed your puppy, clean your room...".  Cooked lunch.  Started cleaning dishes.  Started beans for dinner.  Tidied house again.  Left house and came right back (about 30 mins).  Sat for about 30 mins.  Washed dishes.  Cleaned kitchen.  Started working on dinner: mexican rice, sour cream chicken enchiladas, crockpot beans with a turkey leg (yum!).  Set the table.  Served dinner.  Sat for about an hour.  Packed food for Chris's work, rice and beans and the left over enchiladas (they are doing a potluck tomorrow.  So, I had planned to make a ton of rice —that's what he wanted to take.  He really liked the beans and wanted to share with people at his work.  And the enchiladas?  Well, I didn't know he wanted them on corn tortilla; I specifically remember him telling me he wanted them on flour.  So, we didn't care much for the flour tortilla version.  lol).  Packed the rest of the left overs for us to keep.  Made room in fridge for all the packed food.  Cleared the table.  Washed more dishes (pots and pans -uck!).  Came to comp to blog. 

*why do days like these sometimes feel more tiring than I remember a 12 hour work day, out of the house, felt??  It was just non-stop.  All day, there was something that needed to be cleaned up, thrown in trash, taking to the recycling bin, put in laundry bins, picked up from the floor, put back where it belongs... I was on my feet, in the 'go-go-go mode', from 12:00pm until about 7:30.  Then I only sat to eat and rest for a while before I continued through the night.  :(  These are only details that I currently remember.  With the new pup, it seems as though my mind never rests now.  :(  I'm always wondering if she's chewing on something? is she being careful with her incision site —as it heals? is she eating something that could harm her?  is Roxy, our almost 3 yr old dog, being a bully to her?...

Somewhere in there I also did "mommy duties" and worked with the new pup —worked on "bed" and "sit".  I guess it wasn't that busy... I must just be 'running on low' already since it's Thursday??  Who knows.  I should be asleep right now; yet, here I am... lol

My body is super exhausted today.  And now, because of my new dose of Melatonin, I'm super sleepy!! :)  I'm really looking forward to tomorrow —Friday!!

Happy bday roxy

We've had her for exactly one year now, September 1, 2010. She is now three years old :)

She enjoyed her first doggie ice-cream as her birthday celebration treat. :)

All in 2.5 hrs

what...an...evening! I rushed to get Pickle from her after school care—only to still be charged a nasty late fee.  It really frazzled my evening. I've never had any type of late fees at an after school care program! :(  --at least it was a sweet little elderly lady (it sugar-coated the late fee. haha)

We picked up Pickle's new charm bracelet (her bday gift from us, grandma&grandpa, and auntie and uncle) from Jame's Avery —we were all super excited to see it on her wrist.  :)

I signed KJ up for an introductory karate class.  They don't give prices out —BUT they do give a free session --for whatever reason.  I'm guessing they want the child to want it badly and beg even if the price is too much to handle?  So, I took the bait and KJ will have her very first session (approx. 45mins-1hr) for free! :)  After we get an idea of what its like and how she feels about it, then we will be faced with the price.  :)

After about 5:30pm, my phone got busy . . . I handled -what felt like- a billion phone calls and texts (from family, future business, Pickle's school, Pickle, friends...).  Plus, I was expecting two different people to come over tonight —one to leave a dog for us to dog sit and possibly adopt if we end up enjoying the dog-sitting experience, and another for business.  Both of them had to reschedule.  So, it gave me some time to breathe and enjoy dinner (phew!)

Once we got back home, we got straight to our nightly routine: clean house, shower and bed time for the girls, prep for tomorrow . . . now for the best part . . . rest, relax, and sleep!

I really think it was the late fee that made the evening feel like a full day.  It just frazzled me up and turned my stomach —having to pay $1 per minute I was late -each passing minute felt like 10!! :(  Oh well, right?  I just need to do everything in my power to avoid another one of those (that's why late fees like that exist; and let me tell you . . . THEY WORK! —lol)!

Praise God for not giving me more than I can handle.  :)

goooooooood night.

::inhale...exhale:: Ah, blogerpy.

'blog therapy' that is...

Today's Wednesday.  The part of the week where you know you're so close to Friday —you're going to make it!!  Yet, you have to just remember to breathe ...

TTC
I am on day 48 and I've had two negatives.  Something needs to happen soon.  Even if it's just another cycle to let me know my body hasn't shut down again.  I'll be making a doc appointment soon —we just found out that our insurance covers IVF treatments (up to a certain amount) and we want to see what our next steps should be.  I don't think he'll recommend IVF as the next step; I think he'll start me on clomid again first and then go from there.  I think I'm okay with that now.  I think I'd rather be emotional due to adding crazy hormones in my body (with the hopes of conceiving) rather than being crazy emotional due to the LACK of conceiving —AGAIN! :(

I'm tempted to find a support group.  It's getting tough again.  That's why I had originally thought to only try for 6 months and then stop for 6 months and then try again, and so on.  I remember how hard it was back in 2007 (it seemed like, in that 18 month period of TTC, that EVERYONE and their momma conceived!! haha).  It was super tough, emotionally, mentally, etc.  But we decided to not stop trying and now I'm starting to feel it . . .

I know, I know, it's God's timing and He has the perfect plan for us . . . but I'm human and it's normal to feel what I've been feeling (so don't feel sorry for me and don't get worried about me).  I just choose to blog because it's what works for me :).  I figure, I'll share what I go through (to an extent), in case anyone is 1) curious, 2) experiencing the same situation, and 3) nosy!! hee hee.  ;)  I know I am.  I'm always curious to read about people's life and their experiences they choose to share.  So read away!! :)


KJ
KJ will be starting swim lessons on October 11.  :)  We are all very excited for that!  I told her as soon as she learns how to swim we will put her on a swim team, if she' like.  She was very excited about that.  "Will we have races?" she asked . . . when I told her "yes", she got super excited and said she couldn't wait to learn how to swim!  :)

We are a bit concerned about her school behavior.  On average, she's been getting about two marks a week —ranging from talking to not getting her work done (the main main MAIN one being 'talking' --hmmm, I wonder where she gets that habit from?! ::blush::)  She knows better and she always tells me what she needs to do differently (and she has consequences here at home --getting grounded, no tv, not video games, sometimes no dessert) yet, her actions don't show that she cares or really 'gets it'.  :(  Any suggestions would be FANTASTIC!!


Misc.
I don't know if I've mentioned it yet but we got a family dog.  Her name is Roxy, a two year old weenie dog.  :)  She's a lot of fun but needs some basic manners (like no play biting and keep her scratchy paws of of people).

Optimistic view on not being pregnant yet:  I've lost 5.5 lbs!! :)  As long as I'm not pregnant, I might as well be shedding some unwanted weight.

Recently, I've been more of a homemaker rather than a home childcare provider.  I've actually been okay with that.  I have a part-timer and some drop-ins here and there but Chris and I figure I could organize and maintain the house while I'm not working with kiddos.  I look forward to the days when I do have kids over and I also look forward to the days that I don't.  So, I have a nice little balance right now.  However, I sure am struggling with balancing out 'enjoying my me time' and tackling projects around the house... How do you do for you AND do work around the house and then still be 'mommy' at 3pm?!  I know it's a lot of daytime hours, since I am back home, kid-free, by 7am or earlier (KJ asks to ride the bus so that gets me back home real early).  I know I've been really down, lately, and I've been just trying to do 'fun' stuff to entertain myself and cheer myself up but at some point I need to get busy around here... any suggestions on how to balance it all out?!

My birthday is coming up soon.  I'm hoping to do something really fun.  However, I don't know if I want to do something really fun with just my hubby and daughter or with 'everyone' (meaning family and friends).  We normally make it a whole birthday week and do different things with different people to celebrate our birthdays . . . I just don't know that I have many ideas this year.

Oh, last but not least, I've really really been enjoying, and getting the hang of knitting!  :)  I've even had a few hat orders already.  Winter is coming and it's just perfect timing for my new knitting hobby! :)

See, blogging helps me feel better . . . can't I just sit and type out my thoughts and feelings alllll day long?!  ;)

RIP Princess Cherry

Our pet hamster, Princess Cherry passed away on 6/9/10.

My little KJ experienced "loss" for the first time.  I woke up and did my usual routine around the house.  When I went to check on the hamster, as I always do, I noticed it "sleeping" in its food bowl.  My stomach turned immediately.  I knew it wasn't eating or sleeping.  :(  I had noticed for a few days some different sleep habbits -not burrowing in the bedding.  I had no idea I was going to find her like that though.

My first thought was to call Chris, he was upstairs sleeping in on his day off.  I knew I wouldn't be able to take her out of the cage.  Then I realized that KJ needed to know before we just took care of everything.  It's her pet and I felt she was old enough to know the truth.  (I'm big on telling her the truth)  So, the next thing that I thought was, "I'll call mom; she'll be able to give me good advice on how to handle this situation" (I had my fair share of pets growing up --and my fair share of having to bury my pets)

So, when it finally came time to telling KJ, I was prepared for her to take it pretty hard.  It was her present for her 5th birthday.  It was her very first furry friend that she was "responsible" for.  She talked with her hamster, showed her things through her cage.  She would even use a My Little Pony brush to brush her little hamster.  She loved that thing so much!  KJ told just about everyone about "Princess Cherry".

I also kind of thought she might not take is as hard and I was expecting because she had handled the death of a fish and aquatic frog very well.  I had already explained that the aquatic pets don't always live very long.

We all went to living room and sat on the couch to "talk".  When I shared the news with her, I choked up and started tearing up.  I knew her tears were coming when I saw her lips start to quiver and frown.  My heart broke for my baby, experience "loss" for the first time.  Her first reaction was "oh, no (as she was already crying) we're going to have to tell my friends..."  She said I should email or text the mommies of her friends and let them know that her hamster died.  Then when we explained that we could all bury her together, she said, "I don't want to bury her." I told her that she didn't have to -that mommy and daddy would do it if she didn't want to watch.  but then she said "can't we just keep her?"  lol!!  My poor baby didn't want to see Princess Cherry "go".

So, she wanted to be the one to take her out of the cage and lay her in her "grave".  She even pet her very gently, one last time and said, "aw, she's so cute.".  She handled the burial very well.  Then as we were walking back towards the house, she held my hand and said, while giggling, "At least she won't bite me any more!"  hee hee  such an optimist, just like her momma!  :)

Princess Cherry only came up in conversation about 2 times later that day.  We put the cage out of sight to help her 'move on'.  Thank God we had already planned a trip to Sea World so I think it really helped to get her mind on something fun.

Having a 5 year old bury their own pet is tough . . .

Today, I was caught off-guard when KJ asked if she could go out and see Princess Cherry again.  She actually wanted to see her dead hamster . . . I wonder if she understands that dead means gone forever.  I think she figures, 'well, I know where she is buried; can't I just go dig her up to see her again?'

I plan on printing out and framing a picture for Kj's room.

So, now we are down to just 3 fish...