Third pregnancy, fourth baby: SURPRISE!!! 5 weeks 3 days

I had suspicions.  I connected some of what had been going on as "pregnancy symptoms", BUT... I really didn't think I was pregnant.

I always do that.  For all the 4+ years that we focused on ttc, before going through IVF in 2012, everything that I felt was pregnancy related.  ha!  I was so hopeful.  I wanted to be pregnant sooooo badly.  So, of course, any indigestion, headache, cramp, mood swing, or craving, had to be because 'maybe I was pregnant'!  Right?

To My Husband

Dear hunny,

Today, I surprisingly fell in love with you all over again.  It feels wonderful ... like a new-found joy . . . a giddy little tickle in my tummy . . . maybe it really was your new frames (hehe), or the way you attacked me with kisses, even though I was a sweaty mess.  Or maybe it was the helpful heart I saw, as you very quickly and willingly cleaned up the downstairs area, while I was cooking.  Or maybe it was that you did such a sweet thing and surprised KJ today, when you drove to go pick up her bff.

I can't really explain why or how.  I just know that my heart opened up to you in a new, fresh, way again.  It's been a while, huh?  We knew that having 'a baby' was going to change our relationship and put some things on hold.  But we didn't have a clue

One hour.

I just experienced my first hour away -all by myself. No nursing baby, and no talkative 9yr old. 

Since the twins were born, I've been alone with Elly several times. I've also had one time alone with Kj (I took her down the street for a hair cut). I had never gone anywhere kid-free...in well over 6 months!

Now, I didn't do anything extravagant.  I traveled 10 minutes away to purchased some cloth dipes from another momma (that I met for the first time when I arrived at her house).  I was only gone for an hour. 

Everything felt strangely normal, at first.  Probably because I was rushing to leave the house, as I normally am these days.  Then, driving there, I was so focused on directions, I didn't have much time to think about being alone.  Once I arrived, I had to check all the dipes and decide on what I was going to buy.  Again, my mind stayed very occupied.  *what did feel strange, though, was when I was in conversation and I would say "my son" or "baby girl".  I felt like I did before I had them and that I was making it up and telling stories. Haha!  I didn't have my babies there with me, so I felt like they were just all in my head. 

Once I started realizing how much time had passed, and I knew Elly would be needing to nurse soon, I started feeling extremely anxious and scatterbrained. The other mom might have felt like I had multiple personalities!  All of a sudden, I couldn't think straight.  I didn't remember how to function on my own. I think I kept repeating myself too. Haha!

I called Chris on my way home. I was sure I would hear Elly screaming over the phone. Silence. That's all I heard. Chris told me that he bathed Elly and then she fell asleep in his arms.  (Awww!)

I got home a few minutes later and was so relieved to see a calm and happy home. 

I stuffed my face with whatever I could find (because I hadn't had a chance to eat all day!) and I made something for Kj to eat --because Chris did a great job with all three kiddos; but apparently I wasn't gone long enough for him to get a chance to practice cooking AND hanging out with the kiddos. ;)

It was SO refreshing being out, even though it was just for an hour.  It was like a "reset" button... Wiping the slate clean... Starting fresh. 

I really need to do this more often!

Ps. Yes, I reeeeeeeally missed my babies while I was gone!!

What we learned from our W̶h̶o̶l̶e̶3̶0̶ "Whole4" challenge.

It's not for everyone.  Plain and simple.

(I could just end the blog at this...haha)

1. Setting healthy goals, as a family, is very important!

2.  We are very capable of controlling our out-of-control cravings.

3.  I can Not spread myself too thin and stay sane (and still produce enough milk for Liam).

4.  Meal and snack planning/prepping really does help control crazy "eat whatever is in sight because I'm starving NOW!" habits.

5.  Grocery shopping is much more tedious and time consuming when you don't feel like eating only chicken and veggies.


With that said, Yes, we stopped our Whole30 challenge.  Basically I stopped and now Chris feels relieved to eat some yummy "yuck" food without too much guilt.  haha!

Okay.  So, we were really mentally ready to do this challenge.  However, I was not physically prepared for everything that came with such a challenge. 

I was literally in the kitchen from the time I woke, until around 4am, sometimes even5am, serving food, cooking dinner, breakfast, and lunch for the next day (so Chris could have it ready to take to work), pre-serving snacks, prepping whatever I could for the next day's dinner, and then cleaning everything up!  Of course, I was still Breastfeeding Elly and bottle feeding Liam, and pumping once in the morning and once at night, doing the daily diaper laundry and trying to help Kj stay on top of her school work... And then trying to keep up with pesky housework and all the other laundry.  (Many, many, kudos to other twin mommas who have already found their "balance".  One day... I believe it will happen for me.)

Chris ended up havining to go to the store several times during the week because I was not used to preparing meat and veggies only. (We ran out of food a lot faster since there were no "filler" [junk] foods being served.  Imagine that! Ha!)  So we blew right through our weekly grocery budget.  

My body was crashing... Slowly. By Thursday ('Day 1' was on Monday), I wasn't even sure if I'd be able to get out of bed because my body hurt so badly from being on my feet all day and juggling everything by myself, 4 days in a row, with only a maximum of 4 hrs of sleep each night. (Before The Whole30, I'd cook on some days and on other days, when I was just too mentally and physically exhausted, Chris would bring home food.)

So, the budget:  we could have sucked it up and eaten chicken and veggies for the rest of our challenge. But then I'm sure we'd miss the whole point of learning how to ENJOY healthy foods. 

The physical and mental exhaustion I was fighting: I could have sucked it up and pushed through.  Chris and I had talked, and I expressed how I really needed him to pitch in even more than usual. BUT he was already pitching in from the time he got out of work until he just couldn't stay awake (around 10pm/12am. He wakes up at five-something in the mornings, to be at work by 6:30am).  I weighed the options... "Push through it to see whatever results I get and know I fought hard to "finish".  But be mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted every day for the next 26 days?!  I couldn't even imagine it!  I felt I'd miss out on these precious moments with my babies!  I felt that there had to be a better way to get healthy, stay sane, and make precious memories with my children.  Getting healthy with what I put in my body should never take away from being mentally and emotionally healthy, right?  I started to see that, as I had been in prayer about whether to continue the challenge or not. 

I don't like to "quit" anything. I LOVE a good challenge.  So this was really bugging me. I didn't want to "quit"!  

The deciding factor for me was when I was only able to pump 6oz of milk Thursday morning, before I went to bed.  

God has been amazing in allowing me to provide more than enough milk for Liam. Now, it took much prayer and some serious hard work and determination!  I re-started my "exclusively pumping" journey on July 14, and started with 10oz, for the entire day, pumping 3x.  Then it went to 13oz and eventually hit 20oz, as I pumped 4 and 5 times in a day.  By mid-August, I had days when I would pump as many as 8 times, getting a daily total of 39oz of milk!  I was pumping and storing as much as I possibly could.  By the end of August I was pumping as much as 43oz in a day, with pumping 4-5x.  I was beyond happy and thankful to God.  It only got better, still!  In early September I was able to pump 52oz in one day, with only pumping 4x!!  Praise God, right?!  By mid-September I started to only pump once when I'd wake up and once before I'd go to sleep.  That routine was giving me 30-38oz of milk, daily.  I had FINALLY gotten into a GREAT pumping schedule (allowing me to continue to store milk (I currently have over 500oz in the deep freezer) for the future AND still provide his daily intake).  I was no longer being "milked" all day, between nursing and pumping.  I finally felt like I could breathe and enjoy my babies and my days!  And then I started The Whole30 challenge...

Monday, Whole30 Day 1:  27.5oz

Whole30 Day 2:  21oz

Whole30 Day 3:  16.5oz (rethinking the Whole30 challenge)

Whole30 Day 4:  19.2oz (ooh! Maybe it's getting better!!  Although, I was extremely concerned about my supply when Elly was needing to nurse every hour and a half to two hours!  Her "norm" is between three and three and a half hours, sometimes four!  And I never really felt a full "let-down" like I was used to feeling throughout the day.)

Friday, Day 5:  8oz (I really can't chance loosing my milk supply anymore! I ate a bowl of oatmeal to help my supply but everything else stayed "Whole30 approved".  I know I was already off of it since I ate the oatmeal, but I already had all the right foods available, so why not continue what I CAN?! )

Saturday:  8.5oz (yikes!  Come on milk!!)

Sunday:  23oz!!! (18oz was from my morning pump session!! Oh praise God, things are finally getting back to "normal"!!  AND Elly had more milk than she could even drink throughout the day!! I'll take engorgement pain all over again, if it means I can provide my babies with more than enough milk!!)

So that was the main factor for me. I could NOT stand the thought of either loosing my milk supply (which, by searching online, I realized that it has, unfortunately, been quite common for some mommas, when starting The Whole30), or even having to go back to pumping every 2-3 hours a day, on top of nursing Elly.  Those days were rough and exhausting (I was already beyond exhausted... I had to know my limits --not push past them!)

I did what I felt was best. I prayed and prayed about how to go about getting off of The Whole30 because it wasn't just me, it was KJ too!  She had done an amazing job!!  I didn't want to give her the wrong idea of how to handle "goals".  So, I sat with KJ and discussed how trying to be healthy in one area should never cause you to be unhealthy in other areas -there needs to be a balance.  Surprisingly, she was sad that we weren't going to continue the Whole30 as a family. Turns out that she loves family challenges too!  :)

That night, over our pre-cooked, "Whole30 approved" meal, we discussed how we could balance out some new goals, "challenges", for our family.  We also discussed how we can all pitch in a little more so Mom doesn't carry the entire load of "keeping the family healthy".  

This is what we came up with:

We are still amped to make a conscious effort, daily, to be healthy, together. It feels great to have found something that works for our family right now.  We definitely learned a lot in those four days. We are using that knowledge daily and working towards our new goals, as we continue to cheer on my mom and sis, now on Day8 of their Whole30! :)

So, here's to finding the right balance for your family...

Learning to survive

Reality has been setting in very very slowly for me.  The twins were born on May 20; but they didn't come home until June 19th.  In just days, they will have been home for three months.  How wonderful!  And we are finally getting into a good routine.

Our "getting into a good routine" looks a little like this:  I wake up anywhere from 9am-1pm, depending what time I went to sleep.  I pump and store the milk.  I prep a bottle for Liam and I get their prefolds and covers prepared and set them aside.  Sometimes I can take another little snooze and sometimes someone is already waking up.  Whoever wakes up first, gets changed and fed first.  I either breastfeed Ellyana or bottle feed Liam --sometimes they wake at the same time and I have to feed them simultaneously!  After they eat, Elly can stay awake for about 2-2.5 hrs and Liam only lasts about 1 hour, sometimes a little more.  They nap --hopefully around the same time.  *sometimes by the time Elly is ready to nap, Liam has already taken his nap and is ready for 'mommy time'.

Now, take that little chunk of schedule and repeat every 2-3 hours...

yup.

Sometimes it goes so smoothly, it feels like I'm running a home daycare again.  Other days don't go as smoothly and it feels like I'm secretly being tested on my multi-tasking, ability to fast several meals in a row, and potty break effeciency --like washing my hands while I tinkle... I'm joking!

If I'm still sane and able to function well by 9pm, I will remember to change them into their 'night time diaper' and pajamas.  They will usually get their last feeding between 10pm and 12am.  At least, that's the plan.  Ha!  *If there's one thing that I've definitely learned and come to terms with is that I can do all the planning in the world and sometimes it just doesn't make a difference!  Twins need things at different times, same times, and all the time.

Liam used to be asleep by 11pm and wake up 12-14 hours later (usually).  However, these last few days, he has been staying awake with me while I pump and then needing another bottle before he finally falls asleep for the night.  So, recently, that's been around 2:30/3am.  There are even nights that he just doesn't want to be put down until he is asleep and that leaves me pumping at 3/4am.

Ellyana used to be up all night long and fall asleep closer to 6 and 7 am.  Some mornings were as late as 8am!  You're thinking, "oh my!", I know... I still think that when I go to sleep with the rising of the sun.  Thankfully, the two of them have some what flip flopped.  Elly has been going to sleep around 11pm/12am and staying asleep for approximately 12 full hours.  These nights are definitely easier to manage.  Nothing like the earlier nights where they were both awake and wanting mommy.  And of course, the majority of those nights happened at the same exact time that I decided to hook myself up to the darn pump!  That's a whole other blog post...

So, this brings us right back to when I wake up and pump in the morning.  Now, repeat that schedule . . . everyday.  It never ends.

There is no "break" for me; I just eat whatever I can, whenever I have a free moment.  I rush to the bathroom inbetween bottle-feeding, breast feeding, pumping, carrying babies, and changing diapers.  (It's amazing how a new mommy's body accommodates the new demands --I'm drinking approximately 90-150 ounces of water a day and have realized that I can survive on approx 2-3 potty breaks during the "day time".  Where all that water goes, I have no idea!)

Do I shower?! Haha! Again, right now it's all based on "how important is it?"  Am I leaving the house or expecting guests that might care (haha! -seriously!)?  Do I smell funky? (Lol -gross!)  Do I need a few minutes to myself?  If the answer is "Yes" to any of those, then my response is "of course I shower!" (And when I do, it's normally in less than 10 minutes, normally around 3 or 4 am.  Or right before we plan on leaving, while Chris is awake and sitting with the babies)

There's no such thing as "night" and "day" really.  I do whatever they need as soon as they need it, whether it's the sun or moon that's shining.  (Including diaper laundry)  It all still pretty much feels like one long, very long, day.

What I am happy about is the fact that my "sleep" doesn't feel like just one of several naps anymore.  I'm actually getting a good 4-5 hour stretch of sleep at night.  The most I've gotten has been 9 hours, I think (that ONE time)!  Now that's crazy impressive in my book.

So, we finally have some kind of schedule starting and I'm so glad!  I'm starting to feel a little more "normal" again, just over the last few days.  I feel like I can breath --just a little.  Phew!

Well, this is it... how I survive.  :)

Facing Reality

2:48am
I'm still awake.  The twins have been sleeping for about an hour now; yet, here I am —still awake.  I'm just not sleepy.

I've neglected blogging for many reasons.  The main reason is I lack time management skills right now.  The hidden reason is I don't know exactly what to write about anymore.  Strange, I know.  This blog has gone through my many different seasons:  happy marriage, troubled marriage, parenting a public schooled child, homeschooling, fostering/adoption journey, infertility/trying to conceive, aggravating health issues, IVF, twin pregnancy, and now... learning how to raise babies all over again and readjusting to a "new normal".

I wish I made time everyday to write a little something about our day.  But honestly, each entry would basically be the same:  "I fed the babies.  We played with them.  They smiled and coo'd.  Cloth diapering is still awesome and going very well.  They cried.  They napped.  I'm exhausted.  KJ had a great (or not-so-great) day.  My emotions kind of suck again today... etc."  ::pause::  yeah, my emotions really do kind of suck and that's what I'm choosing to blog about tonight.  I've always tried to be myself and keep things "real" here, on my blog.  Well, this is real.  My life right now is super crazy at times, with feedings, diaper changes, sleep deprivation, 9 yr old melt-downs, and unspoken tension.  However, my life right now is also super blessed!  I mean, serious prayers have been answered.  God blessed our family with way more than we ever imagined.  But hormones and emotions still feel out of whack and sometimes I feel like I'm loosing my joy (not my "I'm in love with my babies" joy (that's still at 100%!!).  More like my "I'm in love with life", as a whole, kind of joy).

All I want to do is lay around and only get up to feed my babies, really.  In my mind, I always plan tomorrow out to be different.  "I'm going to wake up at a decent hour and do something with my day."  I always plan to go for a walk or clean 'this' and 'that'.  I always plan on organizing something around the house to get somewhat of my 'old self' back.  But I either feel too exhausted and I'd rather not use up my "resting time" to clean and organize or I just don't "feel like it".  Yet, I can't stand that every day goes by and I don't do enough cleaning or organizing around here.  Doesn't make much sense.  I want to but I don't.  I think it's more like I've lost the "care" to do anything other than take care of my children.

That can't be healthy, right?

Now, after having my first daughter, back in 2004, I fell into [postpartum] depression.  I had no idea then.  I didn't figure it out until years later.  I looked back and realized that I really wasn't the healthiest, emotionally, that I could have been.  This time around, I kept saying I knew what to look for.  I fought hard in the beginning to stay focused on all the positive around me.  I openly discussed my thoughts and feelings with Chris and others that asked.  I felt "ready", in a sense, to tackle the postpartum stage.

Lately, I've started to wonder "what really qualifies as clinical depression?".  I'm only human.  I know that it's okay to have some low feelings.  I know that not every moment of every day will feel wonderful.  I know that this is just a phase and horrible concoction of 'new mommy hormones', sleep deprivation, mixed with health issues and a very slow recovery from the c-section —all on top of Chris recently going back to working 12+ hr days (after having 12 weeks off), leaving me to feel like I'm doing this all alone.  And I feel like such a baby when I fall into the "I'm just so tired" [whiny] mind set.  I knew I was going to have to be the one up with them during the night, since Chris leaves for work as early as 6am on most days.  I knew that I would be caring for three children during the day.  I just had no idea that my body would take this long to fully recover.  I had also forgotten what it felt like to get absolutely NO break from the never ending 'baby days'.

I will definitely take responsibility where needed:  my eating habits.  I have gone nuts-o with eating whatever I want, however much of it I want.  It's so HORRIBLE!!!  I've always been an emotional eater and right now it's probably at it's worse!  It's just a viscous, never-ending, cycle.  I wake up feeling blah, so I eat whatever I find.  Then my body feels uck again and I think of something else "yummy" to go and munch on.  Then I get bummed out that I'm just eating junk . . . and yes, then I go and eat more junk!  And I've read and heard so much about how food affects moods.  These last few days, I've really tried to be more mindful about what I'm putting in my body.  I'm trying to get back to the healthier mind-set I had while I was pregnant, working hard to keep my babies healthy and in as long as possible.

So, I decided to be a bit transparent about this phase of my life right now in hopes to gain some insight from others' experiences and also in hopes to help others know that battling these ups and downs is "normal".  It might not be a healthy normal but regardless, it happens and no one is alone in this.  That I do know.

I am in constant prayer and I do know that soon I will be able to look back on this time and know it was only part of this wonderful journey I am on.

... and now I shall pump and try to get some sleep!
Thanks for your constant support, love, and prayers.

Week 31: Pineapples and "baby parts"

How far along?

31 weeks on 5/2/13

How big are the twinkies?

According to TheBump, the babies are approximately the size of

*On 4/26/13, my fundal height measured 36cm, I believe.  And then on 4/30/12, my fundal height measured 41!  Baby girl is super high again —and seems to be loving it.

How am I feeling?

Same 'ol, same 'ol... large and exhausted.  My lower abdominal muscles feel like they are barely being held together, like they are "busted". lol  It's quite painful to walk now —but I'll do what I can to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy.

I'm also feeling super grateful, still.  I recently told Chris that, in the beginning of the pregnancy, I felt 5% like I was living real life and 95% like I was lost in a dream, so grateful, "pinch me I can't believe I'm really pregnant" state of mind every single day.  Now, I feel about 45% like I'm living real life and 55% like I'm still lost in a dream, "this is real?  this is really happening?" state of mind during my "real life".  I definitely have more moments where I'm just doing my regular routine, which is now resting, drinking water, and plenty of potty breaks —but then I realize, "Oh yeah, I'm pregnant!  Wow, this actually feels normal now...".  Sad thing is, we are coming to the end of the pregnancy already.  *But I'm just now getting used to being pregnant!  lol

Weight?

+30

What do I miss?
I miss being able to put on socks and tennis shoes, and tying them, without feeling winded, like I've run a mile [or more].  I guess I'm just missing all the 'little things' I used to take for granted: showering, dressing, walking, and getting up, with ease —etc.

Symptoms?
Again, same 'ol, same 'ol... nausea and no appetite here and there.  Restless/sleepless nights.   Super heavy belly (a bit tough to move around lately).  Extremely sleep/tired during the day.  Swelling is still very mild and rarely happens.   ...aaaand new stretch marks, again.  Oh, and the "nesting" phase has definitely kicked in; but I can't actually do anything! :(

Cravings?

Cheese and pretzels.  Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  Anything chocolate: candy, baked goods, ice cream, etc.  Mmmm Chocolate!  Watermelon.  (I think I could eat it for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack time!)

Highlights of the week? 
KJ and visited the Zoo with some friends (where I actually felt like a side show for all the non-mannered zoo guests!  I can't believe the stares, sorry looks, and even comments that came my way --from ADULTS!!!  I heard several gasps, and even giggles, followed by some form of "oh my gosh, she's huge!", "Oh my goodness, poor thing.", etc.  I'd just smile and keep walking.  But by the time I was on my way out, I was done even making eye contact with these people.  I just kept walking.  And I promise you that it wasn't just in my head.  These people were so annoyingly obvious, turning their entire body, watching me pass by.  —oh well, right?! ugh!)

 

at the zoo

Fiesta pinata for the elephant

at the zoo

A "bug hunt" at the zoo.

Resting after the zoo (with a pointy, lopsided, contraction)

Playing with the big 'ol baby belly.

playing with the big 'ol baby belly.

I got a haircut!  —It was well over due.  And Chris and I got to spend some "alone time" together.  It was so nice.  We didn't do anything super fancy.  We went to La Cantera, where I finally gave in to my growing belly.  I bought some new stretchy shirts that will hopefully last to the end of the pregnancy.  We enjoyed a nice yummy treat together (without hearing "I want some!  I don't want to share!  I wish I could have the other one..." lol).

btw, I did NOT eat all that frosting.  I had to scrap it off —way too much!

Okay, not much of a 'highlight' of the week; but definitely needs to be remembered... I finally got to the point of NO SHAME.  lol  I have refused to ride in an electric scooter, in order to grocery shop.  Normally I just tough it out, or I just don't go -and Chris does it all alone (which he actually enjoys!).  However, I wanted to buy what we needed, along with some prop items for our upcoming maternity photo session.  So, I went straight for the electric scooter and [slowly] zoomed my way around Walmart.  LOL!!!  yup.  I reached that point.  *Oh, how I wish I had the energy and strength to walk through Walmart.

We took our maternity photos this week!  :)  What a WONDERFUL milestone, since we missed out during our first pregnancy due to being on bed-rest, in the hospital, during the time we would have been taking photos.  There's a blog post with more details of that day, and our first 'sneak peek'/preview:  A great [sweaty and humid] day for maternity photos


We also did some more odds and ends in the nursery.

...and this is what KJ did...  lol!

This is what I was doing while Chris dove in to the "nesting" phase.  Eventually, I went to sit and "watch" him work in the nursery.

I got to attend Robin's midwifery class, where students had a chance to feel around on my belly and figure out that I had twins.  ;)  It was a lot of fun!  My favorite quote was "oh, I feel a back over here (feeling baby boy's back) . . . wait, (feeling around other areas on my belly) there are a lot of baby parts everywhere!" lol!  And then KJ's favorite part was getting to meet, and pet (uck!!), a wonderful furry 'pet' opossum!  (another pregnant momma that was there happens to work with wildlife, and had just come from a 'wildlife encounter' with the little (not so little) opossum.)

Weekly prenatal visits will start on Friday, May 10... wow!  We're here!!  It kind of feels like "the end" already.  :(  Yes, I'm uncomfortable, but I'm just not ready to be close to "done"; I love being pregnant.

Belly watch:

A great [sweaty and humid] day for maternity photos.

We had our maternity photo session yesterday, done by my wonderful bff, owner of M.Y. Photography.  To be honest, I was not looking forward to taking pictures.  I never look forward to "picture day".  I'm too picky —I want my hair, clothes, make-up, smile.... everything, to look perfect.  I do know that might be close to impossible, but I have that type of mind-set and it really makes me dread being in photos.  I was, however, excited to get photos of my big 'ol pregnant belly.  :)

We bought some prop items and Chris worked on some little frames to add into our photos.  Things like that made me excited.  Anxious to see the final product makes me excited.  Getting dressed and ready made me exhausted!!  I had already started my day not feeling so well.  *the night before, at 3am, I started contracting pretty regularly for about an hour.  After I finally fell asleep, I woke up several times due to feeling contractions —which had not yet happened during this pregnancy.  So, I didn't sleep all that well and then, when I woke up, the contractions were still bugging me.  Chris suggested that we try to reschedule but I really just wanted to get it done and over with, not having to plan for another day of "prepping for pictures".

I took about two hours to get myself all primped and ready.  I was exhausted.  Unfortunately, we ended up running a little late and it didn't leave much time to soak in any of what was really going on.  It wasn't until I was driving to the location that it all hit me.  On the radio, in between going over the photo session "check list", I heard:
"Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me..."
I broke down and choked on my tears until I just couldn't hold them back any longer.  I told Chris how I was feeling, "We are here.  We're finally here!  Pregnant.  On our way to take maternity photos!"  The song that was playing, on the radio, was one that encouraged me many, many times when I just felt broken and knocked down from years of infertility —I knew that God was holding me.  I knew that He had not left me to handle it alone.  I knew that He had a very special plan for me (us).  He never let go of me, through every high and every single low.  Such comfort.  Hearing that song just brought it all back to me.  Yet, being on this new journey, I am able to look back and see how God had a VERY special plan for us -one I could have only imagined, never thinking it would become a reality: pregnant with twins! 

During that moment, I forgot about my make-up, hair, and ways I wanted the photos to be perfect.  All I could do was praise and thank God for the wonderful miracles we've been so blessed to enjoy over these past months.  Even as I type this, I am in tears just thinking how everything eventually comes together, full circle, sometimes in ways that you least expect.  All it takes is the tiniest bit of faith... not always easy, but definitely always worth it!  Nothing gets better than what God can do.



All in all, I think the session went really well.  I previewed just a few photos from her camera and I am so in love already.  I can not wait to see the rest!   

Unfortunately, KJ and Chris forgot to take water for themselves; so we ended up sharing my 34oz BubbaKeg of water (which, on a hot and humid day, will NOT keep three people hydrated).  I believe I ended up sweating more than I could replace and that led to contractions 5 mins apart (started around 7:15pm).  After about 2 hrs, they had spread out to 8-10 mins apart.  Nothing painful; just concerned me since nothing like that had ever happened, yet.  I was drinking water like crazy!  But it still didn't seem to do much.  Midwife Robin suggested Benadryl, Gatorade, and rest.  I did all three and I was finally asleep, without contractions, by midnight.

Well, that pretty much sums up our day yesterday...  Today, I am 31 weeks pregnant, only 6 weeks away from our full-term goal.  Stay in babies!  Stay in!!!


Here's our first 'sneak peek' that we received:

Week 28: Kabocha Squash and Embarrassing Meltdown

How far along?

28 weeks on 4/11/13

How big are the twinkies?

According to Parents, the babies are approximately the size of a kabocha squash.

And according to my What To Expect phone app, the babies are "as big as a small cabbage (17 in, 2.9 lbs)". 

*I'll get an approximate measurement of the Twinkies, on Tuesday, April 16th.

How am I feeling?

Emotional —a roller coaster of highs and lows.  :(  I'm also feeling extremely HUGE lately and so exhausted.  I still enjoy going out and doing things; but I get so tired very easily.  I'm hungry right after I eat. lol  And... I'm not feeling very ready for the quickly approaching due date!  I just want to be pregnant FOREVER (right now).  haha!

Weight?

+24
(Eeek! . . . the additional 24 pounds gained during this pregnancy isn't what gets to me —it's the brand new digits I saw on the scale.)

What do I miss?
I miss moving around without huffing, puffing, moaning, and groaning.  Seriously, even I get annoyed.  lol  I can't even imagine how annoyed Chris must be.  Poor guy! 

Symptoms?
Heartburn/acid reflux.  Sensitive asthma. Endo :(  It's been at it's worse, so far (coughing, laughing, blowing my nose, rolling over, standing up, sometimes even just walking...) —and I can't take my regular meds! :(
*Still, none of these make me feel anything less than grateful, thankful, and completely blessed!

Annoyances?
Our A/C has been acting up and we had to leave it turned off for 3 whole days! (and we are still working on getting someone to come out and see what's wrong.  Thankfully, though, the weather has been great the past few days.)  The third day, Wednesday, was the absolute worst —it got up to 81º in the house.  I had all windows open, fans blasting, I was down to the bare necessities, of clothing, while still being decent enough for anyone that might catch a glimpse through our wide open windows. 

Out-of-control EMOTIONS!!!  Wow.  Talk about 'crazy pregnant momma' over here.  :(  I hate to admit this, but it's true . . . I cried over pizza a few nights ago.  I was at my limit, emotionally, due to extreme heat (day three of no a/c in the house).  I was just mentally and emotionally tired.  I was excited to hear that Chris was picking up pizza.  I specifically asked for a VEGGIE pizza.  I had listed the veggies I was most interested in, the previous night AND again, over the phone, before he went to order the pizza.  Chris arrives and I am already drooling over the thought of yummy cheese, sauce, bread, and all the veggie options... I sit at the table, open the first box:  half cheese and half pepperoni with pineapple.  That one must be Chris's and Kryssa's.  I open the second box:  a full Philly cheese steak pizza.  The tears build up.  A lump forms in my throat and my stomach turned immediately.  I felt like a starving momma bear about to roar in the most scariest and loudest way possible.  I held it together and prayed for love and kindness.  I didn't want to snap at Chris, when I'm sure he meant well.  Although, I had NO idea how he could miss my request for VEGGIES.  (he ended up saying that he thought since I had previously liked the Philly pizza that I would be okay with it.  But then he also said that it was a 'two-topping' pizza and each additional topping was like $1.50.  So, I'm still confused as to which is the real reason I didn't get my veggie pizza.   lol).

I can totally laugh, in embarrassment, now, at the fact that I literally cried like a child over not getting the pizza I so desperately wanted.  Quivering and pouting lip while tears streamed down my face...  I don't think anything like that has EVER happened, as an adult!!! lol  And I really hope it never happens again.  I tried so hard to shake it off -but I just couldn't manage to bypass the tears and emotions.

Cravings?

'Hand-tossed', Cheesy-VEGGIE Pizza (lol).  Ice Cream. Donuts. Bean and Cheese tacos.  Anything spicy.

Highlights of the week?
KJ's 'Spring' soccer season has begun!  I LOVE seeing her so excited about it.  She had her first game on Saturday.  They lost; but it's all about the experience. ;)

I had to go for a 3hr blood glucose test... and I passed!  Praise God!

It's getting quite interesting now, how random people will stop and ask when I'm due.  I happily tell them "July fourth" and the looks and remarks have all been great! ;)  this week, I heard, "That must be a really big baby!  You look like you're due any day now!".  Of course, I end up sharing that I am carrying twins.  That puts them at ease . . . until it really sinks in and then they go right back to the look of "oh my!".  hee hee  It's actually quite fun/interesting and making this pregnancy even more enjoyable.  ;)


We got to see Disney On Ice, Rockin' Ever After —just the 'three of us'.  It won't be 'the three of us' for much longer and I really want to do a few more great outings, while I can, before the babies arrive.  We had SUCH a great time at the show!!!

Belly watch:

Week 27: Rutabaga and Special Deliveries

How far along?

27 weeks on 4/4/13

How big are the twinkies?

According to The Bump, the babies are approximately the size of a rutabaga.

How am I feeling?

Sleepy.  Hungry.  Sleepy.

Weight?

+21

What do I miss?
Sleeping on my tummy.  (again . . . still.) 

Symptoms?
HeartBURN/acid reflux. Nausea.  Asthma (I'm now needing Flovent twice daily, without fail.  Whereas, before pregnancy, I just used Prventil about once a month, maybe a few times more, depending on allergens and weather.) 

Cravings?

Pizza.  Ice Cream.  Chocolate.
*the ice cream is the one I still think is strange.  Before pregnancy, I was very sensitive to lactose.  I didn't care for ice cream, in general, and when I would want a bit, I'd always regret it.  Now that I'm pregnant, I can eat it and not be affected in anyway (other than guilt. lol).  The other night, Chris went out to buy me ice cream.  I had a very specific craving: vanilla ice cream with chocolate fudge mixed in and a bottle of goat's milk caramel.  I was one happy happy momma when Chris got home with exactly that!!! :D  (and a special surprise:  a Rico's jumbo pickle in a pouch)
*But I'm definitely not picky . . . right?! ;)

Highlights of the week?
We recently ordered some of the baby items we were still needing (some big, some small).  So, this week was full of "special deliveries" —always exciting, opening packages and getting to play with everything set it up and see how it all works.  hee hee  :)

Putting the Double Snap 'n Go stroller together

 

Double Snap 'n Go stroller

New pack 'n play

Stuffed animal hippos, hippo rattles, diaper pail wet bags, fuzzibunz diaper, Willow Tree Twins, Boba 3G baby carrier.

Thirsties diaper cover, Fuzzibunz diaper, Applecheeks diaper, Bidet a.k.a. diaper sprayer, wet bags, diaper pail.

Baltic Amber necklaces and an Applecheeks diaper

KJ loving on her siblings

Belly watch:

The training wheels are off!

Chris is currently on vacation.  Today is his second day off and we decided to hang out at home and take it easy (cleaning and going through baby clothes, for the twins).  We watched Wreck It Ralph.  I made calls to our insurance, trying to get our midwife covered as 'in network'.  Chris cut the grass in the front lawn and as soon as I got off the phone, I went outside to join the 'fun'.  Little did I know it really would turn in to FUN...

KJ was riding her bike, up and down the side walk.  "Look at me mom!" —as she would zoom on by.  Out of nowhere, she came back and said, "I don't want my training wheels on anymore.  I'm ready to ride without them."  I thought to myself, "uh-huh, we've tried that one already and it didn't last long... I don't think I want to be here for this.".  I went in for a potty break and a refill of water.  By the time I came out, KJ was already being pushed by her daddy, without her training wheels!!!

I couldn't believe my eyes —and ears.  ha!  Last time we tried this with her, it was not her decision, she was screaming every time the bike would start to tip over.  She cried and was super frustrated.  She gave up after about three attempts.  This time, she was so confident and determined.  I was so impressed.  Chris was letting go right away and she was going all on her own!  Yay... and sniffle...

*Now, I should mention how ironic this is:  Chris had just told me, a few days ago, that he absolutely wanted KJ to learn to ride her bike without training wheels before the twins arrived.  I was super concerned and nervous because I didn't want her to feel pressured into it.  So, JUST yesterday, I purchased a "Balance Bike" (on mamabargains.com —at a great price!).  I figured it would help get KJ ready to ride without training wheels without being "forced" by her daddy.  Go figure!  I spent money on a kiddie balance bike and out of nowhere she was ready to use her big girl bike without training wheels?!  Seriously!  The bike arrives this Thursday and was going to be her Easter gift... I'm now thinking I'm just going to have to save it for the twins —lol.

She still has some practicing to do, but today, day one of riding without training wheels, she did an amazing job!!!  The big sniffles really came when she shouted out "Dad, let go!  Let go, Dad!!"  I smiled.  My eyes teared, and I just took it all in (and snapped a few pics).

Chris and KJ shared a very special moment today —a great forever memory.  We celebrated and ended the night with a trip to DQ to get her an ice cream treat.  She said it was "the best day ever!"  :)

When we got home, I shaved Chris's afro off (good-bye beautiful curls).  KJ asked him to join her for play time —they played with the Leap Frog Tag Map.  And then Chris topped the night off with installing some really cool lights (purchased at IKEA) underneath her loft bed.

Top left:  KJ ready for daddy to let go.  Top middle:  Chris being his fun, goofy, self, enjoying a ride on KJ's bike. haha.  Bottom left:  Play time before bed.  Right:  Crazy man about to get his afro buzzed off.

I'm not sure how we will top today... although, tomorrow, we should get to see our little twinkies!

G'night all.

Week 24: Cantaloupes and Endo

How far along?

24 weeks on 3/13/13
(6 months!)

How big are the twinkies?

According to The Bump, the babies are approximately the size of:

According to Parents, the babies are approximately the size of and ear of corn.  We should find out on Wednesday, March 20, an approximate size or weight —we have another appointment with the perinatologist.

How am I feeling?

I've still been feeling really great!  I absolutely love every single movement I feel (which has been a LOT lately).  I'm in love with my baby belly (although really scared of what it will look like after the babies arrive. lol!).  So, this week, I've felt GREAT! 

Weight?

+15

(SLOW DOWWWWNNN!!!)

 I'd love to think it's the babies growing and growing away.  However, I can't really help but think that I give in to waaaay too many junky yummy foods.

What do I miss?
I miss having my emotions under control.  Things change out of nowhere! And it's really tough, sometimes, to sift through everything and level things out again.
I miss "me" time.  Somehow, I think I got more "me" time before this pregnancy.  I don't know how because I was working at home and still homeschooling.  So, I don't see how I had anytime for "me" time.  Although, now, I feel like I have absolutely none.   
*Maybe it's that I'm making more of an effort to not tell KJ "mommy needs quiet time"; which normally got her to go play up in her room.  I'm trying to get as much mommy and KJ time as I can right now.  I don't want her memories of 'before babies' to be of mom always sending her to play in her room.
I really need to find a healthy, sane, balance —ASAP.

Symptoms?
Serious indigestion, heartburn, and acid reflux.  I've also noticed nausea creeping back in.  But I'm pretty sure it has more to do with the fact that baby girl is all up in my stomach area.  She bumps, kicks, and wiggles against my stomach and it causes all this crazy stuff to happen.  (have you ever had a belly full of water/liquid and jumped around or wiggled too much?  You know that sloshing feeling?  Yeah, that's what I feel, after I eat, with every movement she makes.  And I know I need readjust the amount I'm eating —again.  I need to eat less of a serving at once, now that babies are taking up more space.
The hip pain I I've been experiencing during sleep time is now creeping in to my waking hours.  :(  But I do manage to push through the pain, for now, because I don't want it to stop me from doing the little bit that I can.

Endo has been flaring up the most this week.  Very similar to what it was like before I was pregnant.  The pain just comes out of nowhere.  :(  No warning.  No cause.  Just horrible stabbing pain —in the same 'ol areas.  (I use those moments to focus on what I'm feeling and remind myself that I can get through that pain —just as I have done for so many years . . . like it's some kind of training, preparing me for my birth goals.)  I also remind myself that battling endometriosis, while pregnant, feels so much more worth it.  Like a big nasty slap in Endo's face. ;) hee hee!  Take THAT endo!

Cravings?

Sushi.  Pizza.  Milkshakes and fries (yes, together!).

*Why can't it be carrots, broccoli, and other healthy foods?!

Highlights of the week?

I survived a [short] trip to Sea World.  I never thought I'd be able to handle the walking... but I did!  Thanks to a great friend and her two kiddos. :)  Between feedings, snack time, diaper changes, potty breaks (mine included), nap time, kiddie-ride time, etc., there was plenty of "rest time".  It was the perfect way to survive Sea World!

Chris, KJ, and I took another trip to Ikea.  It was a much longer shopping experience than I had imagined and prepared for.  But I survived and we purchased the rest of the nursery furniture.  :)

Chris, being Super-Dad, building more furniture for the twinkies' room!

What we were doing while daddy built furniture.  :)

We had our very first prenatal appointment with Midwife R.  It was perfect and amazing!  

(look for the blog post [coming soon] to get more details.) 

Feeling the positions of the twinkies.

Belly watch:

Week 23: Eggplants and birth plans

How far along?

23 weeks on 3/6/13.

How big are the twinkies?

According to Parents, the babies are approximately the size of:

How am I feeling?

Sleeeeeeeeepy.  Hungry.  Full.  Sleepy.

(kind of sounds like a baby's schedule, huh?)

Weight?
+14

What do I miss?

Nothing really.  I'm loving every single moment right now!

(Although, I do daydream about being able to roll around on my belly during the night...)

Symptoms?

It's been a pretty great week!  —oh, besides dealing with miserable allergies; maybe it was a cold? (excruciating sinus pain, stuffy nose, runny nose, sore throat, headache)

Cravings?

Meat.  Beans.  Cake.

Highlights of the week?

My car finally works again!!  I really enjoyed being out and about, with KJ.  

Chris and Kryssa worked in the nursery and set up the babies' cribs and finished the trim/accent on the walls.  :)  It's really coming together and we are all excited.

Chris and I finally decided to switch from my current OB to the midwife we met with earlier this year.  I never really expected Chris to be fully on-board with the switch, but we are here, planning for a home birth, and I am super excited!!!

Belly watch:

22 weeks +6 days: Prenatal appointment (the last straw)

Today's prenatal appointment was not what I expected.

I have gotten a sonogram at every single visit, to see how the baby's are growing, to check their heartbeats, and to measure my cervix.  Today, no sonogram.  I was told that they were very busy with other sonogram appointments.  Dr. R used a doppler to to listen to their heartbeats and then visually checked my cervix.  (everything is fine, based on heart beat and cervix.)

At the last few appointments, I have been asking basically the same questions:  (wanting to see how consistent the answers are —or is he just telling me what I want to hear?)

Q:  "Can I deliver both babies naturally?"
A:  "As long as both babies are head down before you go into labor.  If not, we'll have to schedule a c-section."

Q:  "If only baby A is head down, do you allow any time or assistance in bringing baby B down?"
A:  "No.  It's just not worth the risk.  I won't even chance it.  You'll need a c-section if they aren't both head down.  You don't want to go through delivering one, only to still need a c-section."

Q:  "Will you allow me to go full-term and go into labor naturally?"
A:  "As long as everything is going ok.  But once you get to 37/38 weeks, I don't want you to go past that... the babies might turn the wrong way or get too big... you'll be so uncomfortable and begging to be induced... I don't want you to really go past that... We'll induce you at that point."
(this is the one that kept changing, each time I'd ask.  First it was this, what is stated above.  The next visit, it was "I'll do whatever you want me to do, as long as you and babies are doing well.  If you don't want to be induced, we'll just go with the flow and see what happens when we get there..."  Then, at this appointment, it went back to what is stated above.)


Every time I have gotten these responses, my only thoughts are "There must be another way!".  I try to stay positive and remind myself that God is in control no matter who delivers the babies.  However, I just don't feel at peace or even slightly comfortable with this plan of care.  I always have a nervous stomach, unsure about what I'm going to hear next.  I leave disappointed and feeling like there's nothing I can do to change the outcome.  I feel as though I constantly have to keep my guard up and "fight" for what I really truly want.  ... and in saying all of this, it's not what I believe prenatal care should feel like.  I should be at peace.  I should feel comfortable with my care provider.  I should feel that I should have choices!  (after all, it is my body and my babies . . . and as long as everything is healthy and great, I should be able to choose.)  All this stress is definitely not good for my pregnancy.

As soon as Chris heard the doctor's responses at today's appointment, he knew another "midwife" conversation would be taking place.  ;)  Our first discussion ended with him urging me to call a group of midwives, that deliver in a hospital.  I called the group and it turned out that they don't even deliver twins.  hm!  :(  *Now, keep in mind, I have been praying about which path to take since the very beginning of our pregnancy.  I've been praying for doors to be closed and doors to be opened, leading us on God's perfect plan —even if I can't see clearly at the time.  Dr. R's door closed for us today.  Then, the only other possible midwives to deliver in a hospital, that had great recommendations, didn't work out —that door closed...

As the day went on, I would just randomly ask him, "So, can I call Robin now?".  An hour or two would pass and I would, again, ask, "So . . . what do you think about switching to Robin?".  I continued with that for the rest of the evening.  *Not trying to annoy him or even force him to agree with my desire to switch.  I just wanted to stay on the topic and get some kind of answers, a solution, a plan.  It ended up being our main topic all evening —trying to figure out finances if we were to switch (because she is "out of network"), talking about the "what ifs", thinking out plans for different scenarios, and brainstorming if there were any other options that we both felt comfortable with.

On our way home, around 9pm, I called him (we were driving in separate cars).  As soon as he answered, I just said, "Sooo . . . can I call Robin now?!? [nervous giggle]...".  He paused, for what felt like an entire minute of silence.  I thought I had finally annoyed him.  His response, "[deep breathe] I guess so.  I sure hope this is the right decision...".  All of a sudden, I was speechless!  I can normally talk and talk and talk.  But I really had no idea he was going to agree tonight.  I thought he was going to wait and wait until I needed another prenatal visit or something.  I really didn't know what to expect.

So, here I am.  Up at midnight with a racing mind.  "Is this really happening?"  "Am I going to wake up tomorrow and tell Chris that I had a dream where he finally agreed to switching to a midwife to plan for a home birth??"  I've dreamt and prayed for this opportunity for years!
**"God, have YOUR way and let YOUR will be done!"**

I've sent midwife R an email and now we'll go from here.  God is in control and only He knows the plans He has for us.

:)