I had suspicions. I connected some of what had been going on as "pregnancy symptoms", BUT... I really didn't think I was pregnant.
I always do that. For all the 4+ years that we focused on ttc, before going through IVF in 2012, everything that I felt was pregnancy related. ha! I was so hopeful. I wanted to be pregnant sooooo badly. So, of course, any indigestion, headache, cramp, mood swing, or craving, had to be because 'maybe I was pregnant'! Right?
Showing posts with label life change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life change. Show all posts
January 23, 2015
August 6, 2014
It's a little difficult to accept... again.
Life has been feeling very "normal". I've been loving everything so much --gardening, playing outside with all three kiddos, running errands, taking the kids to visit my parents... Everything was feeling so 'uppity'. So, why? Why must endo force its ugly self back in so horribly?
I realize, now, how comfortable I had become, not dealing with the daily challenges of fighting endo. I dealt with episodes throughout my entire pregnancy. Even after delivery, it came and went, it altered what I could and couldn't do. But over the past week, I've realized how minimal it was, compared to what it has been in the past. This past week has reminded me how far I've come, how my pain tolerance has changed, and how
paralyzing endo episodes can be. I had actually forgotten.
paralyzing endo episodes can be. I had actually forgotten.
June 20, 2014
The twins are napping... time to blog!!!
I've missed blogging. I don't make time for it these days. I'd much rather eat, nap, clean, shower, or just sit, while the twins are occupied or napping.
So, a quick update:
KJ is still 9, counting down to her August birthday, to celebrate her first double-digit birthday. She's enjoying really cool sciences classes this summer. No soccer this summer. (we missed out on the registration date). She's enjoying her summer so far --although, on days with more chores and responsibilities, she very quickly lets me know that I'm making it "the worst summer ever!". eh. It's what every mother lives for, right?! ha!
So, a quick update:
KJ is still 9, counting down to her August birthday, to celebrate her first double-digit birthday. She's enjoying really cool sciences classes this summer. No soccer this summer. (we missed out on the registration date). She's enjoying her summer so far --although, on days with more chores and responsibilities, she very quickly lets me know that I'm making it "the worst summer ever!". eh. It's what every mother lives for, right?! ha!
March 26, 2014
The many roles...
To the housekeeper:
You've really been slacking. I can't stand it around here any more. You kept the place so nice and clean for about three weeks and then you stopped. I don't know what happened, exactly. I mean, I hear that your health has major ups and downs. I hear you deal with chronic pain -which leads to your random exhaustion. I'm assuming my housework isn't your only job... Oh, yeah, I know you have kids and all. I know they keep you up to odd hours, when you would normally be sleeping. I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I mean, I need you to step it up, suck it up, and get back on point. The rest of my family, obviously, has much more important things going on. I mean, you must continue picking up and taking out the trash every single night. You must keep the dishes and kitchen clean, at all times. You are the sole dish washer around here, don't forget that. Oh, and don't just leave the laundry laying around! The clean clothes can't just get piled in the laundry room. You have to actually fold and go put each piece away, exactly where it is needed (if you set it out in nice piles for each person to take on their own, it won't ever get done and they'll just end up getting thrown back into a pile). No one has time for all that;
You've really been slacking. I can't stand it around here any more. You kept the place so nice and clean for about three weeks and then you stopped. I don't know what happened, exactly. I mean, I hear that your health has major ups and downs. I hear you deal with chronic pain -which leads to your random exhaustion. I'm assuming my housework isn't your only job... Oh, yeah, I know you have kids and all. I know they keep you up to odd hours, when you would normally be sleeping. I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I mean, I need you to step it up, suck it up, and get back on point. The rest of my family, obviously, has much more important things going on. I mean, you must continue picking up and taking out the trash every single night. You must keep the dishes and kitchen clean, at all times. You are the sole dish washer around here, don't forget that. Oh, and don't just leave the laundry laying around! The clean clothes can't just get piled in the laundry room. You have to actually fold and go put each piece away, exactly where it is needed (if you set it out in nice piles for each person to take on their own, it won't ever get done and they'll just end up getting thrown back into a pile). No one has time for all that;
March 12, 2014
You're unwelcome here
Dear Endo,
I do not appreciate the fact that you force your way into my life. I have had enough of you already; yet, you just continue to take, take, take, from me.
Today, for instance, you took advantage of the fact that I was already flustered, packing up, trying to take a road trip. You thought it was great timing to disrupt my activity. You put a sudden halt to everything. All I was doing was buckling up some car seats. What is supposed to be such a simple task led to gut wrenching pain (shooting down my hip --it felt as if someone was trying to twist my leg right off!). I refused to move while you overstayed your unwelcomed visit. I sat and tried to ignore you, but you were determined to get my attention. The overwhelming hot flash kicked in when the pain hit its' peak and my blood pressure rose as I sat, flustered, in pain.
I guess it's just not enough for you that you have already forced your way into the last 19 years of my life, bombarded my life with infertility and then secondary infertility. You limit my everyday 'normal' activities and you wedge your ugly self in my intimate life as well. Don't you see, Endo, you're not going to win?! I refuse to let you drag me down. Sure, you get my undivided attention when you want, but it doesn't mean you rule my life, you know. Some day, somehow, some incredible discovery will come around and I, along with many, many, other women, will not only cry tears of joy as I rid you from my life for good, I will laugh in your face, sing and shout with joy, and I will never, ever, EVER, have to sit back and let you push me around again!
I'll never give up.
Yours truly,
Yours truly,
Michelle/Endo Warrior/Daily Survivor/Mom of three beautiful miracles
March 10, 2014
Time change... time for change...
Wide awake. This time change is kicking my butt. Seriously!
I've been online watching YouTube videos of Boyce Avenue --like it's been well over an hour now. I'm totally amazed and in love with the sound and vocal blends of these artists/musicians. And so my wheels start a-churnin'.
I have recently been presented with an amazing opportunity and I think my own fears and insecurities might be the only thing really, truly, stopping me from leaping in with both feet. What a shame, right? Let me back up a bit here...
In January, there was one night that Chris and I were listening to worship songs, live recordings on YouTube. I broke down at the sight of outstretched hands, a mass of people worshiping and opening up their hearts to God. I re-shared with Chris a vision I once had, when I was a worship leader for a local youth ministry. I was just a teen, myself, yet, I was so certain of what God had shown me. I expressed my sadness about how I feel it all went away so quickly. I questioned, out loud, in conversation, if maybe I failed to use my gifts and talents for the Lord and now he had taken them. I sat in silence briefly and then said, "Oh well, I guess God is working in me and may have other things for me to do during this season. I hope I didn't completely miss the boat... At least I had a taste of it.". And I went back to sitting and listening, and watching, in silence, my heart aching and my mind filled with questions. And then I felt God loving on me. I shared with Chris what immediately ran through my head, "Well... I'm not dead yet! (we laughed) My time's not over and I can still live out that dream and vision!..." Saying it out loud put a huge smile back on my face and I felt God's reassurance --those words were so true. God's NOT done with me yet!
That week, I began praying for new beginnings, new opportunities, and new ways to grow and stretch my faith. I prayed to grow my love for God and to take new steps as His servant. I started craving opportunities to serve again and I really focused on different ways I could live my life 'out loud' this year and 'not hold back' in these areas. I asked God to close doors that just weren't right for me (and my marriage) anymore, and open new doors --doors that I never knew existed and that would take me to new places, doing great things for the Lord.
The very next month, February, we began to see new doors opening. Yet, here I am, now in March, still trying to 'figure it all out': how can I balance ministry work and my family? How can I commit when I don't even have a reliable vehicle at the moment? How can I go back to leading worship when my memory just plain stinks right now?! (lol seriously! I have the worst memory when it comes to learning new lyrics -it's gotten worse the older I've gotten; and I'm only 31!! How sad.) Will my children be okay while I'm away? Will we miss out as a family? ... So, all these questions, and "ifs" and "buts" keep running through my mind. I know God is bigger than all my insecurities. My nerves are valid, but if it's truly His will, He will make it all work out for His glory!
I know what I want to do --I want to leap with both feet and get out there, doing great things for God, again. But facing reality is scary sometimes --the reality of raising my babies and making it all balance out just right. The reality that I will probably mess up a lot of lyrics, because it happens, I know, and life will just go on. I've never felt this way before --almost like having stage fright, which I've NEVER had. But it's strange because it's so much more than the literal meaning of being 'on stage'. It's a HUGE responsibility. But then, at the same time, it's such a humbling honor to see that God trusts me... me! --Again.
God is so amazing. So loving and forgiving. So merciful and gracious. I asked and here it is; He showed up in such a HUGE way . . . now it's time for me to either take that leap and 'live out loud', or let it pass me by, while I raise my babies, and pray another opportunity like this comes around again.
I've been online watching YouTube videos of Boyce Avenue --like it's been well over an hour now. I'm totally amazed and in love with the sound and vocal blends of these artists/musicians. And so my wheels start a-churnin'.
I have recently been presented with an amazing opportunity and I think my own fears and insecurities might be the only thing really, truly, stopping me from leaping in with both feet. What a shame, right? Let me back up a bit here...
In January, there was one night that Chris and I were listening to worship songs, live recordings on YouTube. I broke down at the sight of outstretched hands, a mass of people worshiping and opening up their hearts to God. I re-shared with Chris a vision I once had, when I was a worship leader for a local youth ministry. I was just a teen, myself, yet, I was so certain of what God had shown me. I expressed my sadness about how I feel it all went away so quickly. I questioned, out loud, in conversation, if maybe I failed to use my gifts and talents for the Lord and now he had taken them. I sat in silence briefly and then said, "Oh well, I guess God is working in me and may have other things for me to do during this season. I hope I didn't completely miss the boat... At least I had a taste of it.". And I went back to sitting and listening, and watching, in silence, my heart aching and my mind filled with questions. And then I felt God loving on me. I shared with Chris what immediately ran through my head, "Well... I'm not dead yet! (we laughed) My time's not over and I can still live out that dream and vision!..." Saying it out loud put a huge smile back on my face and I felt God's reassurance --those words were so true. God's NOT done with me yet!
That week, I began praying for new beginnings, new opportunities, and new ways to grow and stretch my faith. I prayed to grow my love for God and to take new steps as His servant. I started craving opportunities to serve again and I really focused on different ways I could live my life 'out loud' this year and 'not hold back' in these areas. I asked God to close doors that just weren't right for me (and my marriage) anymore, and open new doors --doors that I never knew existed and that would take me to new places, doing great things for the Lord.
The very next month, February, we began to see new doors opening. Yet, here I am, now in March, still trying to 'figure it all out': how can I balance ministry work and my family? How can I commit when I don't even have a reliable vehicle at the moment? How can I go back to leading worship when my memory just plain stinks right now?! (lol seriously! I have the worst memory when it comes to learning new lyrics -it's gotten worse the older I've gotten; and I'm only 31!! How sad.) Will my children be okay while I'm away? Will we miss out as a family? ... So, all these questions, and "ifs" and "buts" keep running through my mind. I know God is bigger than all my insecurities. My nerves are valid, but if it's truly His will, He will make it all work out for His glory!
I know what I want to do --I want to leap with both feet and get out there, doing great things for God, again. But facing reality is scary sometimes --the reality of raising my babies and making it all balance out just right. The reality that I will probably mess up a lot of lyrics, because it happens, I know, and life will just go on. I've never felt this way before --almost like having stage fright, which I've NEVER had. But it's strange because it's so much more than the literal meaning of being 'on stage'. It's a HUGE responsibility. But then, at the same time, it's such a humbling honor to see that God trusts me... me! --Again.
God is so amazing. So loving and forgiving. So merciful and gracious. I asked and here it is; He showed up in such a HUGE way . . . now it's time for me to either take that leap and 'live out loud', or let it pass me by, while I raise my babies, and pray another opportunity like this comes around again.
March 2, 2014
To My Husband
Dear hunny,
Today, I surprisingly fell in love with you all over again. It feels wonderful ... like a new-found joy . . . a giddy little tickle in my tummy . . . maybe it really was your new frames (hehe), or the way you attacked me with kisses, even though I was a sweaty mess. Or maybe it was the helpful heart I saw, as you very quickly and willingly cleaned up the downstairs area, while I was cooking. Or maybe it was that you did such a sweet thing and surprised KJ today, when you drove to go pick up her bff.
I can't really explain why or how. I just know that my heart opened up to you in a new, fresh, way again. It's been a while, huh? We knew that having 'a baby' was going to change our relationship and put some things on hold. But we didn't have a clue
Today, I surprisingly fell in love with you all over again. It feels wonderful ... like a new-found joy . . . a giddy little tickle in my tummy . . . maybe it really was your new frames (hehe), or the way you attacked me with kisses, even though I was a sweaty mess. Or maybe it was the helpful heart I saw, as you very quickly and willingly cleaned up the downstairs area, while I was cooking. Or maybe it was that you did such a sweet thing and surprised KJ today, when you drove to go pick up her bff.
I can't really explain why or how. I just know that my heart opened up to you in a new, fresh, way again. It's been a while, huh? We knew that having 'a baby' was going to change our relationship and put some things on hold. But we didn't have a clue
December 12, 2013
Working on our 'night time routine'
I should be crafting the Christmas gifts, shopping online for last minute Christmas craft supplies, working on my new blog project, cleaning, washing the dirty diapers, sleeping.
Since the twins have been home, my sleep schedule has gone in all different directions. I'm currently on the "night time is my only 'me time' and I have stuff I need to do" (lack of) sleep schedule. Then, during the daytime, I've been working to get them on the same schedule. They have gone back and forth a couple of times, over the last few months. Finally, they are back on the same schedule, but that also means
Since the twins have been home, my sleep schedule has gone in all different directions. I'm currently on the "night time is my only 'me time' and I have stuff I need to do" (lack of) sleep schedule. Then, during the daytime, I've been working to get them on the same schedule. They have gone back and forth a couple of times, over the last few months. Finally, they are back on the same schedule, but that also means
November 16, 2013
Still searching.
Broken.
Broken down.
Fixable. But currently in a state of needing repair.
That's how I currently feel.
I'm tired...Exhausted... drained to the last drop --Physically, emotionally, mentally... is there any other way to feel so broken; if so, add it to the list.
Earlier today, I did the only thing I know to do when I feel this broken. I blasted the worship music throughout the house, closed my eyes, lifted my hands, and sang my heart out. What a release I felt! Wow. God has never left me. He's here --holding me and carrying me through.
*I was so desperate for some "me and God time" I forced it: KJ was at the table, 8 ft away, doing schoolwork. Liam was on the floor napping, 2 ft away. And Elly was only centimeters away from the back of my neck, hanging out in the Boba.
I'm so very, very, thankful for the life I have. I have three beautiful blessings and a hard-working husband. However, it seems as though I'm still trying to figure out how to balance everything. I'm not sure how to find that perfect balance. Does it even exist? Or is that what life is --searching and readjusting, constantly, and making the best of everything along the way? Because, just when you think you have it . . . BAM! Everything changes and it's time to start all over again.
I feel like I suddenly have a thousand and one things on my plate and it's finally weighing me down... I try not to complain (Chris might feel differently about this. Ha!) and I really try to stay loving and positive in all situations. But, seriously, can I get some 'Personal Time Off' or 'Vacation Time' -even if only for an hour or two? (I don't even know what I would do IF I had some 'time off' but laying still, staring at the ceiling, without a SINGLE interruption, really would feel like a mini vacation!) In this new chapter of life, I either need amazing strength to continue pushing through; or I need to figure out a positive and loving way to get everyone on board and pull some more weight around here. Or I'm afraid I just might seriously crash and burn very soon. Hm, maybe a little of both?!
You know, I had always heard how going from one child to two children is the hardest adjustment and then adding a third is so easy. But what about going straight from one child to three children? Is there some kind of crash course, or Cliff Notes, for this kind of transition?! Can't we just eat out or order-in for every meal? Oh, and let's throw in house cleaning services while we're at it! Wait, do they include laundry services too?
What's your household and family flow like? Do you have any tips/solutions that you've learned along the way? I'm sure it could save me some weeks, months, and even years, of trial and error!
Broken down.
Fixable. But currently in a state of needing repair.
That's how I currently feel.
I'm tired...Exhausted... drained to the last drop --Physically, emotionally, mentally... is there any other way to feel so broken; if so, add it to the list.
Earlier today, I did the only thing I know to do when I feel this broken. I blasted the worship music throughout the house, closed my eyes, lifted my hands, and sang my heart out. What a release I felt! Wow. God has never left me. He's here --holding me and carrying me through.
*I was so desperate for some "me and God time" I forced it: KJ was at the table, 8 ft away, doing schoolwork. Liam was on the floor napping, 2 ft away. And Elly was only centimeters away from the back of my neck, hanging out in the Boba.
I'm so very, very, thankful for the life I have. I have three beautiful blessings and a hard-working husband. However, it seems as though I'm still trying to figure out how to balance everything. I'm not sure how to find that perfect balance. Does it even exist? Or is that what life is --searching and readjusting, constantly, and making the best of everything along the way? Because, just when you think you have it . . . BAM! Everything changes and it's time to start all over again.
I feel like I suddenly have a thousand and one things on my plate and it's finally weighing me down... I try not to complain (Chris might feel differently about this. Ha!) and I really try to stay loving and positive in all situations. But, seriously, can I get some 'Personal Time Off' or 'Vacation Time' -even if only for an hour or two? (I don't even know what I would do IF I had some 'time off' but laying still, staring at the ceiling, without a SINGLE interruption, really would feel like a mini vacation!) In this new chapter of life, I either need amazing strength to continue pushing through; or I need to figure out a positive and loving way to get everyone on board and pull some more weight around here. Or I'm afraid I just might seriously crash and burn very soon. Hm, maybe a little of both?!
You know, I had always heard how going from one child to two children is the hardest adjustment and then adding a third is so easy. But what about going straight from one child to three children? Is there some kind of crash course, or Cliff Notes, for this kind of transition?! Can't we just eat out or order-in for every meal? Oh, and let's throw in house cleaning services while we're at it! Wait, do they include laundry services too?
What's your household and family flow like? Do you have any tips/solutions that you've learned along the way? I'm sure it could save me some weeks, months, and even years, of trial and error!
October 23, 2013
Pack up! (leaving the house with twins.)
When I want to leave the house, I have to start planning two days ahead! I don't just make "a quick run" out of the house. I plan a whole day of things to do (neccessity and leasure) because it just doesn't seem worth my time and all the hassle to just leave for one errand.
I can't just wake up and get ready to leave. First I need to pump (and hope the babies stay asleep long enough to get it done without interruption (typically an hour, to hour and a half, from beginning to end -includes distributing ounces for the day and ounces to freeze and then clean up). Then there's getting everyone "ready".
October 13, 2013
What we learned from our W̶h̶o̶l̶e̶3̶0̶ "Whole4" challenge.
It's not for everyone. Plain and simple.
(I could just end the blog at this...haha)
1. Setting healthy goals, as a family, is very important!
2. We are very capable of controlling our out-of-control cravings.
3. I can Not spread myself too thin and stay sane (and still produce enough milk for Liam).
4. Meal and snack planning/prepping really does help control crazy "eat whatever is in sight because I'm starving NOW!" habits.
5. Grocery shopping is much more tedious and time consuming when you don't feel like eating only chicken and veggies.
With that said, Yes, we stopped our Whole30 challenge. Basically I stopped and now Chris feels relieved to eat some yummy "yuck" food without too much guilt. haha!
(I could just end the blog at this...haha)
1. Setting healthy goals, as a family, is very important!
2. We are very capable of controlling our out-of-control cravings.
3. I can Not spread myself too thin and stay sane (and still produce enough milk for Liam).
4. Meal and snack planning/prepping really does help control crazy "eat whatever is in sight because I'm starving NOW!" habits.
5. Grocery shopping is much more tedious and time consuming when you don't feel like eating only chicken and veggies.
With that said, Yes, we stopped our Whole30 challenge. Basically I stopped and now Chris feels relieved to eat some yummy "yuck" food without too much guilt. haha!
Okay. So, we were really mentally ready to do this challenge. However, I was not physically prepared for everything that came with such a challenge.
I was literally in the kitchen from the time I woke, until around 4am, sometimes even5am, serving food, cooking dinner, breakfast, and lunch for the next day (so Chris could have it ready to take to work), pre-serving snacks, prepping whatever I could for the next day's dinner, and then cleaning everything up! Of course, I was still Breastfeeding Elly and bottle feeding Liam, and pumping once in the morning and once at night, doing the daily diaper laundry and trying to help Kj stay on top of her school work... And then trying to keep up with pesky housework and all the other laundry. (Many, many, kudos to other twin mommas who have already found their "balance". One day... I believe it will happen for me.)
Chris ended up havining to go to the store several times during the week because I was not used to preparing meat and veggies only. (We ran out of food a lot faster since there were no "filler" [junk] foods being served. Imagine that! Ha!) So we blew right through our weekly grocery budget.
My body was crashing... Slowly. By Thursday ('Day 1' was on Monday), I wasn't even sure if I'd be able to get out of bed because my body hurt so badly from being on my feet all day and juggling everything by myself, 4 days in a row, with only a maximum of 4 hrs of sleep each night. (Before The Whole30, I'd cook on some days and on other days, when I was just too mentally and physically exhausted, Chris would bring home food.)
So, the budget: we could have sucked it up and eaten chicken and veggies for the rest of our challenge. But then I'm sure we'd miss the whole point of learning how to ENJOY healthy foods.
The physical and mental exhaustion I was fighting: I could have sucked it up and pushed through. Chris and I had talked, and I expressed how I really needed him to pitch in even more than usual. BUT he was already pitching in from the time he got out of work until he just couldn't stay awake (around 10pm/12am. He wakes up at five-something in the mornings, to be at work by 6:30am). I weighed the options... "Push through it to see whatever results I get and know I fought hard to "finish". But be mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted every day for the next 26 days?! I couldn't even imagine it! I felt I'd miss out on these precious moments with my babies! I felt that there had to be a better way to get healthy, stay sane, and make precious memories with my children. Getting healthy with what I put in my body should never take away from being mentally and emotionally healthy, right? I started to see that, as I had been in prayer about whether to continue the challenge or not.
I don't like to "quit" anything. I LOVE a good challenge. So this was really bugging me. I didn't want to "quit"!
The deciding factor for me was when I was only able to pump 6oz of milk Thursday morning, before I went to bed.
God has been amazing in allowing me to provide more than enough milk for Liam. Now, it took much prayer and some serious hard work and determination! I re-started my "exclusively pumping" journey on July 14, and started with 10oz, for the entire day, pumping 3x. Then it went to 13oz and eventually hit 20oz, as I pumped 4 and 5 times in a day. By mid-August, I had days when I would pump as many as 8 times, getting a daily total of 39oz of milk! I was pumping and storing as much as I possibly could. By the end of August I was pumping as much as 43oz in a day, with pumping 4-5x. I was beyond happy and thankful to God. It only got better, still! In early September I was able to pump 52oz in one day, with only pumping 4x!! Praise God, right?! By mid-September I started to only pump once when I'd wake up and once before I'd go to sleep. That routine was giving me 30-38oz of milk, daily. I had FINALLY gotten into a GREAT pumping schedule (allowing me to continue to store milk (I currently have over 500oz in the deep freezer) for the future AND still provide his daily intake). I was no longer being "milked" all day, between nursing and pumping. I finally felt like I could breathe and enjoy my babies and my days! And then I started The Whole30 challenge...
Monday, Whole30 Day 1: 27.5oz
Whole30 Day 2: 21oz
Whole30 Day 3: 16.5oz (rethinking the Whole30 challenge)
Whole30 Day 4: 19.2oz (ooh! Maybe it's getting better!! Although, I was extremely concerned about my supply when Elly was needing to nurse every hour and a half to two hours! Her "norm" is between three and three and a half hours, sometimes four! And I never really felt a full "let-down" like I was used to feeling throughout the day.)
Friday, Day 5: 8oz (I really can't chance loosing my milk supply anymore! I ate a bowl of oatmeal to help my supply but everything else stayed "Whole30 approved". I know I was already off of it since I ate the oatmeal, but I already had all the right foods available, so why not continue what I CAN?! )
Saturday: 8.5oz (yikes! Come on milk!!)
Sunday: 23oz!!! (18oz was from my morning pump session!! Oh praise God, things are finally getting back to "normal"!! AND Elly had more milk than she could even drink throughout the day!! I'll take engorgement pain all over again, if it means I can provide my babies with more than enough milk!!)
So that was the main factor for me. I could NOT stand the thought of either loosing my milk supply (which, by searching online, I realized that it has, unfortunately, been quite common for some mommas, when starting The Whole30), or even having to go back to pumping every 2-3 hours a day, on top of nursing Elly. Those days were rough and exhausting (I was already beyond exhausted... I had to know my limits --not push past them!)
I did what I felt was best. I prayed and prayed about how to go about getting off of The Whole30 because it wasn't just me, it was KJ too! She had done an amazing job!! I didn't want to give her the wrong idea of how to handle "goals". So, I sat with KJ and discussed how trying to be healthy in one area should never cause you to be unhealthy in other areas -there needs to be a balance. Surprisingly, she was sad that we weren't going to continue the Whole30 as a family. Turns out that she loves family challenges too! :)
That night, over our pre-cooked, "Whole30 approved" meal, we discussed how we could balance out some new goals, "challenges", for our family. We also discussed how we can all pitch in a little more so Mom doesn't carry the entire load of "keeping the family healthy".
This is what we came up with:
We are still amped to make a conscious effort, daily, to be healthy, together. It feels great to have found something that works for our family right now. We definitely learned a lot in those four days. We are using that knowledge daily and working towards our new goals, as we continue to cheer on my mom and sis, now on Day8 of their Whole30! :)
So, here's to finding the right balance for your family...
September 17, 2013
Learning to survive
Reality has been setting in very very slowly for me. The twins were born on May 20; but they didn't come home until June 19th. In just days, they will have been home for three months. How wonderful! And we are finally getting into a good routine.
Our "getting into a good routine" looks a little like this: I wake up anywhere from 9am-1pm, depending what time I went to sleep. I pump and store the milk. I prep a bottle for Liam and I get their prefolds and covers prepared and set them aside. Sometimes I can take another little snooze and sometimes someone is already waking up. Whoever wakes up first, gets changed and fed first. I either breastfeed Ellyana or bottle feed Liam --sometimes they wake at the same time and I have to feed them simultaneously! After they eat, Elly can stay awake for about 2-2.5 hrs and Liam only lasts about 1 hour, sometimes a little more. They nap --hopefully around the same time. *sometimes by the time Elly is ready to nap, Liam has already taken his nap and is ready for 'mommy time'.
Now, take that little chunk of schedule and repeat every 2-3 hours...
yup.
Sometimes it goes so smoothly, it feels like I'm running a home daycare again. Other days don't go as smoothly and it feels like I'm secretly being tested on my multi-tasking, ability to fast several meals in a row, and potty break effeciency --like washing my hands while I tinkle... I'm joking!
If I'm still sane and able to function well by 9pm, I will remember to change them into their 'night time diaper' and pajamas. They will usually get their last feeding between 10pm and 12am. At least, that's the plan. Ha! *If there's one thing that I've definitely learned and come to terms with is that I can do all the planning in the world and sometimes it just doesn't make a difference! Twins need things at different times, same times, and all the time.
Liam used to be asleep by 11pm and wake up 12-14 hours later (usually). However, these last few days, he has been staying awake with me while I pump and then needing another bottle before he finally falls asleep for the night. So, recently, that's been around 2:30/3am. There are even nights that he just doesn't want to be put down until he is asleep and that leaves me pumping at 3/4am.
Ellyana used to be up all night long and fall asleep closer to 6 and 7 am. Some mornings were as late as 8am! You're thinking, "oh my!", I know... I still think that when I go to sleep with the rising of the sun. Thankfully, the two of them have some what flip flopped. Elly has been going to sleep around 11pm/12am and staying asleep for approximately 12 full hours. These nights are definitely easier to manage. Nothing like the earlier nights where they were both awake and wanting mommy. And of course, the majority of those nights happened at the same exact time that I decided to hook myself up to the darn pump! That's a whole other blog post...
So, this brings us right back to when I wake up and pump in the morning. Now, repeat that schedule . . . everyday. It never ends.
There is no "break" for me; I just eat whatever I can, whenever I have a free moment. I rush to the bathroom inbetween bottle-feeding, breast feeding, pumping, carrying babies, and changing diapers. (It's amazing how a new mommy's body accommodates the new demands --I'm drinking approximately 90-150 ounces of water a day and have realized that I can survive on approx 2-3 potty breaks during the "day time". Where all that water goes, I have no idea!)
Do I shower?! Haha! Again, right now it's all based on "how important is it?" Am I leaving the house or expecting guests that might care (haha! -seriously!)? Do I smell funky? (Lol -gross!) Do I need a few minutes to myself? If the answer is "Yes" to any of those, then my response is "of course I shower!" (And when I do, it's normally in less than 10 minutes, normally around 3 or 4 am. Or right before we plan on leaving, while Chris is awake and sitting with the babies)
There's no such thing as "night" and "day" really. I do whatever they need as soon as they need it, whether it's the sun or moon that's shining. (Including diaper laundry) It all still pretty much feels like one long, very long, day.
What I am happy about is the fact that my "sleep" doesn't feel like just one of several naps anymore. I'm actually getting a good 4-5 hour stretch of sleep at night. The most I've gotten has been 9 hours, I think (that ONE time)! Now that's crazy impressive in my book.
So, we finally have some kind of schedule starting and I'm so glad! I'm starting to feel a little more "normal" again, just over the last few days. I feel like I can breath --just a little. Phew!
Well, this is it... how I survive. :)
Our "getting into a good routine" looks a little like this: I wake up anywhere from 9am-1pm, depending what time I went to sleep. I pump and store the milk. I prep a bottle for Liam and I get their prefolds and covers prepared and set them aside. Sometimes I can take another little snooze and sometimes someone is already waking up. Whoever wakes up first, gets changed and fed first. I either breastfeed Ellyana or bottle feed Liam --sometimes they wake at the same time and I have to feed them simultaneously! After they eat, Elly can stay awake for about 2-2.5 hrs and Liam only lasts about 1 hour, sometimes a little more. They nap --hopefully around the same time. *sometimes by the time Elly is ready to nap, Liam has already taken his nap and is ready for 'mommy time'.
Now, take that little chunk of schedule and repeat every 2-3 hours...
yup.
Sometimes it goes so smoothly, it feels like I'm running a home daycare again. Other days don't go as smoothly and it feels like I'm secretly being tested on my multi-tasking, ability to fast several meals in a row, and potty break effeciency --like washing my hands while I tinkle... I'm joking!
If I'm still sane and able to function well by 9pm, I will remember to change them into their 'night time diaper' and pajamas. They will usually get their last feeding between 10pm and 12am. At least, that's the plan. Ha! *If there's one thing that I've definitely learned and come to terms with is that I can do all the planning in the world and sometimes it just doesn't make a difference! Twins need things at different times, same times, and all the time.
Liam used to be asleep by 11pm and wake up 12-14 hours later (usually). However, these last few days, he has been staying awake with me while I pump and then needing another bottle before he finally falls asleep for the night. So, recently, that's been around 2:30/3am. There are even nights that he just doesn't want to be put down until he is asleep and that leaves me pumping at 3/4am.
Ellyana used to be up all night long and fall asleep closer to 6 and 7 am. Some mornings were as late as 8am! You're thinking, "oh my!", I know... I still think that when I go to sleep with the rising of the sun. Thankfully, the two of them have some what flip flopped. Elly has been going to sleep around 11pm/12am and staying asleep for approximately 12 full hours. These nights are definitely easier to manage. Nothing like the earlier nights where they were both awake and wanting mommy. And of course, the majority of those nights happened at the same exact time that I decided to hook myself up to the darn pump! That's a whole other blog post...
So, this brings us right back to when I wake up and pump in the morning. Now, repeat that schedule . . . everyday. It never ends.
There is no "break" for me; I just eat whatever I can, whenever I have a free moment. I rush to the bathroom inbetween bottle-feeding, breast feeding, pumping, carrying babies, and changing diapers. (It's amazing how a new mommy's body accommodates the new demands --I'm drinking approximately 90-150 ounces of water a day and have realized that I can survive on approx 2-3 potty breaks during the "day time". Where all that water goes, I have no idea!)
Do I shower?! Haha! Again, right now it's all based on "how important is it?" Am I leaving the house or expecting guests that might care (haha! -seriously!)? Do I smell funky? (Lol -gross!) Do I need a few minutes to myself? If the answer is "Yes" to any of those, then my response is "of course I shower!" (And when I do, it's normally in less than 10 minutes, normally around 3 or 4 am. Or right before we plan on leaving, while Chris is awake and sitting with the babies)
There's no such thing as "night" and "day" really. I do whatever they need as soon as they need it, whether it's the sun or moon that's shining. (Including diaper laundry) It all still pretty much feels like one long, very long, day.
What I am happy about is the fact that my "sleep" doesn't feel like just one of several naps anymore. I'm actually getting a good 4-5 hour stretch of sleep at night. The most I've gotten has been 9 hours, I think (that ONE time)! Now that's crazy impressive in my book.
So, we finally have some kind of schedule starting and I'm so glad! I'm starting to feel a little more "normal" again, just over the last few days. I feel like I can breath --just a little. Phew!
Well, this is it... how I survive. :)
September 11, 2013
Facing Reality
2:48amI'm still awake. The twins have been sleeping for about an hour now; yet, here I am —still awake. I'm just not sleepy.
I've neglected blogging for many reasons. The main reason is I lack time management skills right now. The hidden reason is I don't know exactly what to write about anymore. Strange, I know. This blog has gone through my many different seasons: happy marriage, troubled marriage, parenting a public schooled child, homeschooling, fostering/adoption journey, infertility/trying to conceive, aggravating health issues, IVF, twin pregnancy, and now... learning how to raise babies all over again and readjusting to a "new normal".
I wish I made time everyday to write a little something about our day. But honestly, each entry would basically be the same: "I fed the babies. We played with them. They smiled and coo'd. Cloth diapering is still awesome and going very well. They cried. They napped. I'm exhausted. KJ had a great (or not-so-great) day. My emotions kind of suck again today... etc." ::pause:: yeah, my emotions really do kind of suck and that's what I'm choosing to blog about tonight. I've always tried to be myself and keep things "real" here, on my blog. Well, this is real. My life right now is super crazy at times, with feedings, diaper changes, sleep deprivation, 9 yr old melt-downs, and unspoken tension. However, my life right now is also super blessed! I mean, serious prayers have been answered. God blessed our family with way more than we ever imagined. But hormones and emotions still feel out of whack and sometimes I feel like I'm loosing my joy (not my "I'm in love with my babies" joy (that's still at 100%!!). More like my "I'm in love with life", as a whole, kind of joy).
All I want to do is lay around and only get up to feed my babies, really. In my mind, I always plan tomorrow out to be different. "I'm going to wake up at a decent hour and do something with my day." I always plan to go for a walk or clean 'this' and 'that'. I always plan on organizing something around the house to get somewhat of my 'old self' back. But I either feel too exhausted and I'd rather not use up my "resting time" to clean and organize or I just don't "feel like it". Yet, I can't stand that every day goes by and I don't do enough cleaning or organizing around here. Doesn't make much sense. I want to but I don't. I think it's more like I've lost the "care" to do anything other than take care of my children.
That can't be healthy, right?
Now, after having my first daughter, back in 2004, I fell into [postpartum] depression. I had no idea then. I didn't figure it out until years later. I looked back and realized that I really wasn't the healthiest, emotionally, that I could have been. This time around, I kept saying I knew what to look for. I fought hard in the beginning to stay focused on all the positive around me. I openly discussed my thoughts and feelings with Chris and others that asked. I felt "ready", in a sense, to tackle the postpartum stage.
Lately, I've started to wonder "what really qualifies as clinical depression?". I'm only human. I know that it's okay to have some low feelings. I know that not every moment of every day will feel wonderful. I know that this is just a phase and horrible concoction of 'new mommy hormones', sleep deprivation, mixed with health issues and a very slow recovery from the c-section —all on top of Chris recently going back to working 12+ hr days (after having 12 weeks off), leaving me to feel like I'm doing this all alone. And I feel like such a baby when I fall into the "I'm just so tired" [whiny] mind set. I knew I was going to have to be the one up with them during the night, since Chris leaves for work as early as 6am on most days. I knew that I would be caring for three children during the day. I just had no idea that my body would take this long to fully recover. I had also forgotten what it felt like to get absolutely NO break from the never ending 'baby days'.
I will definitely take responsibility where needed: my eating habits. I have gone nuts-o with eating whatever I want, however much of it I want. It's so HORRIBLE!!! I've always been an emotional eater and right now it's probably at it's worse! It's just a viscous, never-ending, cycle. I wake up feeling blah, so I eat whatever I find. Then my body feels uck again and I think of something else "yummy" to go and munch on. Then I get bummed out that I'm just eating junk . . . and yes, then I go and eat more junk! And I've read and heard so much about how food affects moods. These last few days, I've really tried to be more mindful about what I'm putting in my body. I'm trying to get back to the healthier mind-set I had while I was pregnant, working hard to keep my babies healthy and in as long as possible.
So, I decided to be a bit transparent about this phase of my life right now in hopes to gain some insight from others' experiences and also in hopes to help others know that battling these ups and downs is "normal". It might not be a healthy normal but regardless, it happens and no one is alone in this. That I do know.
I am in constant prayer and I do know that soon I will be able to look back on this time and know it was only part of this wonderful journey I am on.
... and now I shall pump and try to get some sleep!
Thanks for your constant support, love, and prayers.
July 23, 2013
Breastfeeding: "it shouldn't be painful".
It sure IS painful, extremely painful, when one twin has had latch issues for five weeks and the other twin spontaneously develops an 'Epstein Pearl' on the front outer part of her lower gum! It's just been one painful challenge after another.
Liam is starting his second week of bottles. :(
The frenotomy went well. The doc only snipped the thinnest part of Liam's frenulum. It released some of his tongue-tie, but, in my opinion, not all of it. The doc didn't want to do too much cutting so that it wouldn't be too painful (they do not numb the area for this procedure! 😳😢. Poor baby --but the doc says the skin is still super thin, at this age, and doesn't cause much pain at all). Liam slept through the procedure. He only woke to cry when the doc stuck his fingers in his mouth to lift the tongue. As soon as the doc took his fingers out, I mean immediately, Liam would doze off again! I was so shocked; but prayers were definitely answered! 💕 Liam wasn't bothered by it one bit. (Thank you, everyone, for all the prayers for Liam!)
However, getting him to nurse/latch on is still excruciatingly painful for me and is not successful. I'm so scared to keep trying because every time we "try" (I work and work and work to get him to latch on and when he finally, painfully, latches on, I try my best to deal with the pain to give Liam a chance to "get the hang of" it: open mouth, latch on, suckle, "I get milk!". Not sure what else to do at this point. I end up injured and it makes it difficult to then nurse Elly, who latches on just fine.
I'm in a tough place. I want to nurse Liam; but I don't want to go through the excruciating pain I experienced for three straight weeks (it got worse and worse over those weeks). But at the same time, I'm heart-broken to have to bottle feed Liam while Elly gets to breastfeed. And then I'm worried that I'm going to eventually run out of milk from my "NICU supply" (pictured below) and not be able to keep up with nursing Elly and pumping enough to keep up with Liam's bottle feedings.
Any and all suggestions are welcome. I've searched and searched for any info and suggestions, online; but I have found nothing about this exact situation. I know I'm not the only one... But I just haven't found a solution that works -yet.
God willing, either Liam will get the hang of nursing properly, or I'll find a way to have peace about bottle feeding one baby and nursing the other :(. (But then there's always the huge concern about supplying enough breastmilk for Liam's bottles.)
Help!
May 2, 2013
A great [sweaty and humid] day for maternity photos.
We had our maternity photo session yesterday, done by my wonderful bff, owner of M.Y. Photography. To be honest, I was not looking forward to taking pictures. I never look forward to "picture day". I'm too picky —I want my hair, clothes, make-up, smile.... everything, to look perfect. I do know that might be close to impossible, but I have that type of mind-set and it really makes me dread being in photos. I was, however, excited to get photos of my big 'ol pregnant belly. :)
We bought some prop items and Chris worked on some little frames to add into our photos. Things like that made me excited. Anxious to see the final product makes me excited. Getting dressed and ready made me exhausted!! I had already started my day not feeling so well. *the night before, at 3am, I started contracting pretty regularly for about an hour. After I finally fell asleep, I woke up several times due to feeling contractions —which had not yet happened during this pregnancy. So, I didn't sleep all that well and then, when I woke up, the contractions were still bugging me. Chris suggested that we try to reschedule but I really just wanted to get it done and over with, not having to plan for another day of "prepping for pictures".
I took about two hours to get myself all primped and ready. I was exhausted. Unfortunately, we ended up running a little late and it didn't leave much time to soak in any of what was really going on. It wasn't until I was driving to the location that it all hit me. On the radio, in between going over the photo session "check list", I heard:
"Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me..."
I broke down and choked on my tears until I just couldn't hold them back any longer. I told Chris how I was feeling, "We are here. We're finally here! Pregnant. On our way to take maternity photos!" The song that was playing, on the radio, was one that encouraged me many, many times when I just felt broken and knocked down from years of infertility —I knew that God was holding me. I knew that He had not left me to handle it alone. I knew that He had a very special plan for me (us). He never let go of me, through every high and every single low. Such comfort. Hearing that song just brought it all back to me. Yet, being on this new journey, I am able to look back and see how God had a VERY special plan for us -one I could have only imagined, never thinking it would become a reality: pregnant with twins!
During that moment, I forgot about my make-up, hair, and ways I wanted the photos to be perfect. All I could do was praise and thank God for the wonderful miracles we've been so blessed to enjoy over these past months. Even as I type this, I am in tears just thinking how everything eventually comes together, full circle, sometimes in ways that you least expect. All it takes is the tiniest bit of faith... not always easy, but definitely always worth it! Nothing gets better than what God can do.
All in all, I think the session went really well. I previewed just a few photos from her camera and I am so in love already. I can not wait to see the rest!
Unfortunately, KJ and Chris forgot to take water for themselves; so we ended up sharing my 34oz BubbaKeg of water (which, on a hot and humid day, will NOT keep three people hydrated). I believe I ended up sweating more than I could replace and that led to contractions 5 mins apart (started around 7:15pm). After about 2 hrs, they had spread out to 8-10 mins apart. Nothing painful; just concerned me since nothing like that had ever happened, yet. I was drinking water like crazy! But it still didn't seem to do much. Midwife Robin suggested Benadryl, Gatorade, and rest. I did all three and I was finally asleep, without contractions, by midnight.
Well, that pretty much sums up our day yesterday... Today, I am 31 weeks pregnant, only 6 weeks away from our full-term goal. Stay in babies! Stay in!!!
Here's our first 'sneak peek' that we received:
We bought some prop items and Chris worked on some little frames to add into our photos. Things like that made me excited. Anxious to see the final product makes me excited. Getting dressed and ready made me exhausted!! I had already started my day not feeling so well. *the night before, at 3am, I started contracting pretty regularly for about an hour. After I finally fell asleep, I woke up several times due to feeling contractions —which had not yet happened during this pregnancy. So, I didn't sleep all that well and then, when I woke up, the contractions were still bugging me. Chris suggested that we try to reschedule but I really just wanted to get it done and over with, not having to plan for another day of "prepping for pictures".
I took about two hours to get myself all primped and ready. I was exhausted. Unfortunately, we ended up running a little late and it didn't leave much time to soak in any of what was really going on. It wasn't until I was driving to the location that it all hit me. On the radio, in between going over the photo session "check list", I heard:
"Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me..."
I broke down and choked on my tears until I just couldn't hold them back any longer. I told Chris how I was feeling, "We are here. We're finally here! Pregnant. On our way to take maternity photos!" The song that was playing, on the radio, was one that encouraged me many, many times when I just felt broken and knocked down from years of infertility —I knew that God was holding me. I knew that He had not left me to handle it alone. I knew that He had a very special plan for me (us). He never let go of me, through every high and every single low. Such comfort. Hearing that song just brought it all back to me. Yet, being on this new journey, I am able to look back and see how God had a VERY special plan for us -one I could have only imagined, never thinking it would become a reality: pregnant with twins!
During that moment, I forgot about my make-up, hair, and ways I wanted the photos to be perfect. All I could do was praise and thank God for the wonderful miracles we've been so blessed to enjoy over these past months. Even as I type this, I am in tears just thinking how everything eventually comes together, full circle, sometimes in ways that you least expect. All it takes is the tiniest bit of faith... not always easy, but definitely always worth it! Nothing gets better than what God can do.
All in all, I think the session went really well. I previewed just a few photos from her camera and I am so in love already. I can not wait to see the rest!
Unfortunately, KJ and Chris forgot to take water for themselves; so we ended up sharing my 34oz BubbaKeg of water (which, on a hot and humid day, will NOT keep three people hydrated). I believe I ended up sweating more than I could replace and that led to contractions 5 mins apart (started around 7:15pm). After about 2 hrs, they had spread out to 8-10 mins apart. Nothing painful; just concerned me since nothing like that had ever happened, yet. I was drinking water like crazy! But it still didn't seem to do much. Midwife Robin suggested Benadryl, Gatorade, and rest. I did all three and I was finally asleep, without contractions, by midnight.
Well, that pretty much sums up our day yesterday... Today, I am 31 weeks pregnant, only 6 weeks away from our full-term goal. Stay in babies! Stay in!!!
Here's our first 'sneak peek' that we received:
March 5, 2013
22 weeks +6 days: Prenatal appointment (the last straw)
Today's prenatal appointment was not what I expected.
I have gotten a sonogram at every single visit, to see how the baby's are growing, to check their heartbeats, and to measure my cervix. Today, no sonogram. I was told that they were very busy with other sonogram appointments. Dr. R used a doppler to to listen to their heartbeats and then visually checked my cervix. (everything is fine, based on heart beat and cervix.)
At the last few appointments, I have been asking basically the same questions: (wanting to see how consistent the answers are —or is he just telling me what I want to hear?)
Q: "Can I deliver both babies naturally?"
A: "As long as both babies are head down before you go into labor. If not, we'll have to schedule a c-section."
Q: "If only baby A is head down, do you allow any time or assistance in bringing baby B down?"
A: "No. It's just not worth the risk. I won't even chance it. You'll need a c-section if they aren't both head down. You don't want to go through delivering one, only to still need a c-section."
Q: "Will you allow me to go full-term and go into labor naturally?"
A: "As long as everything is going ok. But once you get to 37/38 weeks, I don't want you to go past that... the babies might turn the wrong way or get too big... you'll be so uncomfortable and begging to be induced... I don't want you to really go past that... We'll induce you at that point."
(this is the one that kept changing, each time I'd ask. First it was this, what is stated above. The next visit, it was "I'll do whatever you want me to do, as long as you and babies are doing well. If you don't want to be induced, we'll just go with the flow and see what happens when we get there..." Then, at this appointment, it went back to what is stated above.)
Every time I have gotten these responses, my only thoughts are "There must be another way!". I try to stay positive and remind myself that God is in control no matter who delivers the babies. However, I just don't feel at peace or even slightly comfortable with this plan of care. I always have a nervous stomach, unsure about what I'm going to hear next. I leave disappointed and feeling like there's nothing I can do to change the outcome. I feel as though I constantly have to keep my guard up and "fight" for what I really truly want. ... and in saying all of this, it's not what I believe prenatal care should feel like. I should be at peace. I should feel comfortable with my care provider. I should feel that I should have choices! (after all, it is my body and my babies . . . and as long as everything is healthy and great, I should be able to choose.) All this stress is definitely not good for my pregnancy.
As soon as Chris heard the doctor's responses at today's appointment, he knew another "midwife" conversation would be taking place. ;) Our first discussion ended with him urging me to call a group of midwives, that deliver in a hospital. I called the group and it turned out that they don't even deliver twins. hm! :( *Now, keep in mind, I have been praying about which path to take since the very beginning of our pregnancy. I've been praying for doors to be closed and doors to be opened, leading us on God's perfect plan —even if I can't see clearly at the time. Dr. R's door closed for us today. Then, the only other possible midwives to deliver in a hospital, that had great recommendations, didn't work out —that door closed...
As the day went on, I would just randomly ask him, "So, can I call Robin now?". An hour or two would pass and I would, again, ask, "So . . . what do you think about switching to Robin?". I continued with that for the rest of the evening. *Not trying to annoy him or even force him to agree with my desire to switch. I just wanted to stay on the topic and get some kind of answers, a solution, a plan. It ended up being our main topic all evening —trying to figure out finances if we were to switch (because she is "out of network"), talking about the "what ifs", thinking out plans for different scenarios, and brainstorming if there were any other options that we both felt comfortable with.
On our way home, around 9pm, I called him (we were driving in separate cars). As soon as he answered, I just said, "Sooo . . . can I call Robin now?!? [nervous giggle]...". He paused, for what felt like an entire minute of silence. I thought I had finally annoyed him. His response, "[deep breathe] I guess so. I sure hope this is the right decision...". All of a sudden, I was speechless! I can normally talk and talk and talk. But I really had no idea he was going to agree tonight. I thought he was going to wait and wait until I needed another prenatal visit or something. I really didn't know what to expect.
So, here I am. Up at midnight with a racing mind. "Is this really happening?" "Am I going to wake up tomorrow and tell Chris that I had a dream where he finally agreed to switching to a midwife to plan for a home birth??" I've dreamt and prayed for this opportunity for years!
**"God, have YOUR way and let YOUR will be done!"**
I've sent midwife R an email and now we'll go from here. God is in control and only He knows the plans He has for us.
:)
I have gotten a sonogram at every single visit, to see how the baby's are growing, to check their heartbeats, and to measure my cervix. Today, no sonogram. I was told that they were very busy with other sonogram appointments. Dr. R used a doppler to to listen to their heartbeats and then visually checked my cervix. (everything is fine, based on heart beat and cervix.)
At the last few appointments, I have been asking basically the same questions: (wanting to see how consistent the answers are —or is he just telling me what I want to hear?)
Q: "Can I deliver both babies naturally?"
A: "As long as both babies are head down before you go into labor. If not, we'll have to schedule a c-section."
Q: "If only baby A is head down, do you allow any time or assistance in bringing baby B down?"
A: "No. It's just not worth the risk. I won't even chance it. You'll need a c-section if they aren't both head down. You don't want to go through delivering one, only to still need a c-section."
Q: "Will you allow me to go full-term and go into labor naturally?"
A: "As long as everything is going ok. But once you get to 37/38 weeks, I don't want you to go past that... the babies might turn the wrong way or get too big... you'll be so uncomfortable and begging to be induced... I don't want you to really go past that... We'll induce you at that point."
(this is the one that kept changing, each time I'd ask. First it was this, what is stated above. The next visit, it was "I'll do whatever you want me to do, as long as you and babies are doing well. If you don't want to be induced, we'll just go with the flow and see what happens when we get there..." Then, at this appointment, it went back to what is stated above.)
Every time I have gotten these responses, my only thoughts are "There must be another way!". I try to stay positive and remind myself that God is in control no matter who delivers the babies. However, I just don't feel at peace or even slightly comfortable with this plan of care. I always have a nervous stomach, unsure about what I'm going to hear next. I leave disappointed and feeling like there's nothing I can do to change the outcome. I feel as though I constantly have to keep my guard up and "fight" for what I really truly want. ... and in saying all of this, it's not what I believe prenatal care should feel like. I should be at peace. I should feel comfortable with my care provider. I should feel that I should have choices! (after all, it is my body and my babies . . . and as long as everything is healthy and great, I should be able to choose.) All this stress is definitely not good for my pregnancy.
As soon as Chris heard the doctor's responses at today's appointment, he knew another "midwife" conversation would be taking place. ;) Our first discussion ended with him urging me to call a group of midwives, that deliver in a hospital. I called the group and it turned out that they don't even deliver twins. hm! :( *Now, keep in mind, I have been praying about which path to take since the very beginning of our pregnancy. I've been praying for doors to be closed and doors to be opened, leading us on God's perfect plan —even if I can't see clearly at the time. Dr. R's door closed for us today. Then, the only other possible midwives to deliver in a hospital, that had great recommendations, didn't work out —that door closed...
As the day went on, I would just randomly ask him, "So, can I call Robin now?". An hour or two would pass and I would, again, ask, "So . . . what do you think about switching to Robin?". I continued with that for the rest of the evening. *Not trying to annoy him or even force him to agree with my desire to switch. I just wanted to stay on the topic and get some kind of answers, a solution, a plan. It ended up being our main topic all evening —trying to figure out finances if we were to switch (because she is "out of network"), talking about the "what ifs", thinking out plans for different scenarios, and brainstorming if there were any other options that we both felt comfortable with.
On our way home, around 9pm, I called him (we were driving in separate cars). As soon as he answered, I just said, "Sooo . . . can I call Robin now?!? [nervous giggle]...". He paused, for what felt like an entire minute of silence. I thought I had finally annoyed him. His response, "[deep breathe] I guess so. I sure hope this is the right decision...". All of a sudden, I was speechless! I can normally talk and talk and talk. But I really had no idea he was going to agree tonight. I thought he was going to wait and wait until I needed another prenatal visit or something. I really didn't know what to expect.
So, here I am. Up at midnight with a racing mind. "Is this really happening?" "Am I going to wake up tomorrow and tell Chris that I had a dream where he finally agreed to switching to a midwife to plan for a home birth??" I've dreamt and prayed for this opportunity for years!
**"God, have YOUR way and let YOUR will be done!"**
I've sent midwife R an email and now we'll go from here. God is in control and only He knows the plans He has for us.
:)
January 2, 2013
Week 14: Lemons and Fireworks
How far along?
14 weeks on 1/2/13.
How big are the Twinkies?
According to The Bump, the babies are approximately the size of:
(pretty soon, I won't be able to hold both items in one hand)
How am I feeling?
I've been feeling fantastic! (besides fighting off the nastiest cold and sinus infection I think I've ever had. I've been sick since Christmas day and my body does NOT feel like itself.
So, when I say I've been feeling fantastic, I am referring to feeling fabulously pregnant —finally! I don't question whether this is real or not. I do, however, still have my "wow, I'm so incredibly amazed that this is really happening" moments. But I know that I am pregnant with twins. I don't feel like I'm living out a made up story; or living someone else's life. :) This feels very real now!
Weight?
I'm still very happy to say that I have not gained 2lbs yet. For sure, I have gained one pound. I am flirting with a few ounces here and there —trying, trying, trying, to hold off on making it a whole other pound. I do know that at some point the scale will show higher numbers; I'm just not willing to let that happen all at once. And definitely not this early! I have plenty of pre-pregnancy weight to 'play' with before the real pregnancy weight starts to add up.
What do I miss?
I miss showering without having to guard my very sensitive "milk makers" from the spraying water. TMI? Oops! I forget that exists.
I'm really enjoying every part of the pregnancy at this point, that I haven't found myself to be missing much lately.
Symptoms?
This week has been a great one, aside from the nasty cold and sinus infection. Nausea almost non-existant. Moods feel stable. Hunger, for the majority of the day, doesn't control me anymore. (I think that will change soon, though.)
Annoyances?
The crazy hormonal hairs that are popping up on my tummy... and chin. Definitely keeping tweezers on hand. ;)
Not getting a good night's rest. :( I had hoped that would only happen towards the end of my pregnancy and, of course, it's a given that sleep will not happen much once the bundles of joy arrive. I haven't had a "normal" night since about September/October, right around the time when IVF treatments started.
I'm super annoyed that I've had this horrible cold and sinus infection since Christmas!
But enough about being annoyed...
Cravings?
Mmm... Spaghetti and meat sauce —still. Cantaloupe. Tempura sushi rolls (cooked). Oh, and my favorite go-to night snack is Triscuits and tiny medium cheddar cheese cubes. (I don't know how healthy or unhealthy that is... but it's my favorite right now and it helps hold me over until breakfast time. Maybe I should go back to almonds and walnuts?!)
Highlights of the week?
Saying goodbye to 2012, even though it brought us many new challenges, great changes, and priceless memories, was an amazing, joyous, feeling! Since 2007, each year would go by and we'd have our sad, sad, thoughts of, "I really thought we'd have another baby by now... or at least be pregnant." Now I can definitely say that those moments are in the past!!! It was just such a amazing feeling to start a new year with twins on the way; such an amazing blessing. We can now say, "We are expecting our babies THIS summer!".
We had a wonderful celebration, just the three of us, to bring in the new year: a movie, fireworks, tears of joy, and sparkling cider!
Belly watch:
14 weeks on 1/2/13.
How big are the Twinkies?
According to The Bump, the babies are approximately the size of:
How am I feeling?
I've been feeling fantastic! (besides fighting off the nastiest cold and sinus infection I think I've ever had. I've been sick since Christmas day and my body does NOT feel like itself.
So, when I say I've been feeling fantastic, I am referring to feeling fabulously pregnant —finally! I don't question whether this is real or not. I do, however, still have my "wow, I'm so incredibly amazed that this is really happening" moments. But I know that I am pregnant with twins. I don't feel like I'm living out a made up story; or living someone else's life. :) This feels very real now!
Weight?
I'm still very happy to say that I have not gained 2lbs yet. For sure, I have gained one pound. I am flirting with a few ounces here and there —trying, trying, trying, to hold off on making it a whole other pound. I do know that at some point the scale will show higher numbers; I'm just not willing to let that happen all at once. And definitely not this early! I have plenty of pre-pregnancy weight to 'play' with before the real pregnancy weight starts to add up.
What do I miss?
I miss showering without having to guard my very sensitive "milk makers" from the spraying water. TMI? Oops! I forget that exists.
I'm really enjoying every part of the pregnancy at this point, that I haven't found myself to be missing much lately.
Symptoms?
This week has been a great one, aside from the nasty cold and sinus infection. Nausea almost non-existant. Moods feel stable. Hunger, for the majority of the day, doesn't control me anymore. (I think that will change soon, though.)
Annoyances?
The crazy hormonal hairs that are popping up on my tummy... and chin. Definitely keeping tweezers on hand. ;)
Not getting a good night's rest. :( I had hoped that would only happen towards the end of my pregnancy and, of course, it's a given that sleep will not happen much once the bundles of joy arrive. I haven't had a "normal" night since about September/October, right around the time when IVF treatments started.
I'm super annoyed that I've had this horrible cold and sinus infection since Christmas!
But enough about being annoyed...
Cravings?
Mmm... Spaghetti and meat sauce —still. Cantaloupe. Tempura sushi rolls (cooked). Oh, and my favorite go-to night snack is Triscuits and tiny medium cheddar cheese cubes. (I don't know how healthy or unhealthy that is... but it's my favorite right now and it helps hold me over until breakfast time. Maybe I should go back to almonds and walnuts?!)
Highlights of the week?
Saying goodbye to 2012, even though it brought us many new challenges, great changes, and priceless memories, was an amazing, joyous, feeling! Since 2007, each year would go by and we'd have our sad, sad, thoughts of, "I really thought we'd have another baby by now... or at least be pregnant." Now I can definitely say that those moments are in the past!!! It was just such a amazing feeling to start a new year with twins on the way; such an amazing blessing. We can now say, "We are expecting our babies THIS summer!".
We had a wonderful celebration, just the three of us, to bring in the new year: a movie, fireworks, tears of joy, and sparkling cider!
Belly watch:
November 26, 2012
8 weeks 5 days: A beautiful day of hearing heartbeats (with video!)
I don't know that I have many words to describe that special moment, other than "amazing", "emotional", and "exciting"...
Of course, I didn't get much sleep at all. My bff came over last night and that always means that we stay talking and "catching up" for hours! We visited until 3am. By the time I got to bed, I had only 4 hours of sleep available to me. Of those hours, I woke up to tinkle several times and I tossed and turned, anxious about our appointment. Needless to say the phrase "I am tired" is an understatement.
My adrenaline and excitement got me up and running right away. It was almost time!
Chris and I had already discussed that KJ would sit outside of the room until we saw the update and then we would decide when it was best for her to come into the room to check out her future sibling(s). She was just as excited for the appointment and she kept saying, on the way to the appointment, "I'm so excited; I can't wait!... I'm more excited than both of you!". She understood that there was no way to know if both babies have heartbeats until after we see the new ultrasound. So, her hopes were the same as ours "I hope the babies are okay!".
Signing in was easy and routine. We were called back a bit late, but we all jumped up quickly and followed down the hall. I did the usual and then sat and waited, anxious to check on the babies. I know that I normally wait just a few minutes (no more than five, normally) for the doctor to come to the room, but this time... it seemed like and hour!!! lol It was more like 10, maybe 15, minutes of sitting there and waiting. It was when I got really anxious, butterflies in my stomach, tears in my eyes, etc. I just needed to see the babies already!!
A light knock at the door and I knew it was time! Within a few minutes we were staring at TWO growing babies with TWO beautiful heartbeats!!! Oh, only God really knows how extremely grateful and thankful I was at that exact moment. I just stared and cried. I was so amazed, in awe... there they were, two incredible little lives, miracles, growing inside!! What a blessing. God is SO amazing!!
As soon as the second heartbeat checked out, Chris called KJ to come in and join us. The very first thing she said, as she walked through the door, was "Are there two heartbeats?!" I replied with a smiley, teary-eyed, "YES!". She squealed, "eeeeeeeee!", with so much joy (and huge eyes lol.). The doctor went back and found both heartbeats again, so KJ could see and hear them. As soon as she heard the second heartbeat, Dr. B. asked her if she was excited. KJ replied with, "Yes, but if you don't mind, I was about to win the level so I need to go back and finish now...". We all laughed so much over her short lived excitement over her siblings. LOL She probably figures that there's nothing more to check on, since all she's been curious about are heartbeats. She heard them both, saw both of the babies, and then that was it. She was happy and content with the results, so then it was back to her video games... hahaha.
Once we were done with our ultrasound, Dr. B held out her hand for a hand shake and said, "Congratulations! You have officially graduated! Everything looks beautiful." I shook her hand and got all teary-eyed, again. lol We got our printed sono pics and then I went to get my new instructions about the progesterone injection. I'm so very happy to have a "last day" set!! I am to continue daily shots until Wednesday and then switch to every other day until Tuesday. Tuesday, of next week, will be my very last progesterone injection, for this pregnancy!!! Oh, praise God! :D
So, if saying "it was a great [or fantastic] day!" could really truly describe how amazing our day has been then it would be easy for everyone to understand how we've felt all day. But it's not. I honestly don't know how to say how amazing our day has been, other than "TODAY HAS BEEN AMAZING!!!". lol.
Here are some photos and video of today:
Of course, I didn't get much sleep at all. My bff came over last night and that always means that we stay talking and "catching up" for hours! We visited until 3am. By the time I got to bed, I had only 4 hours of sleep available to me. Of those hours, I woke up to tinkle several times and I tossed and turned, anxious about our appointment. Needless to say the phrase "I am tired" is an understatement.
My adrenaline and excitement got me up and running right away. It was almost time!
Chris and I had already discussed that KJ would sit outside of the room until we saw the update and then we would decide when it was best for her to come into the room to check out her future sibling(s). She was just as excited for the appointment and she kept saying, on the way to the appointment, "I'm so excited; I can't wait!... I'm more excited than both of you!". She understood that there was no way to know if both babies have heartbeats until after we see the new ultrasound. So, her hopes were the same as ours "I hope the babies are okay!".
Signing in was easy and routine. We were called back a bit late, but we all jumped up quickly and followed down the hall. I did the usual and then sat and waited, anxious to check on the babies. I know that I normally wait just a few minutes (no more than five, normally) for the doctor to come to the room, but this time... it seemed like and hour!!! lol It was more like 10, maybe 15, minutes of sitting there and waiting. It was when I got really anxious, butterflies in my stomach, tears in my eyes, etc. I just needed to see the babies already!!
A light knock at the door and I knew it was time! Within a few minutes we were staring at TWO growing babies with TWO beautiful heartbeats!!! Oh, only God really knows how extremely grateful and thankful I was at that exact moment. I just stared and cried. I was so amazed, in awe... there they were, two incredible little lives, miracles, growing inside!! What a blessing. God is SO amazing!!
As soon as the second heartbeat checked out, Chris called KJ to come in and join us. The very first thing she said, as she walked through the door, was "Are there two heartbeats?!" I replied with a smiley, teary-eyed, "YES!". She squealed, "eeeeeeeee!", with so much joy (and huge eyes lol.). The doctor went back and found both heartbeats again, so KJ could see and hear them. As soon as she heard the second heartbeat, Dr. B. asked her if she was excited. KJ replied with, "Yes, but if you don't mind, I was about to win the level so I need to go back and finish now...". We all laughed so much over her short lived excitement over her siblings. LOL She probably figures that there's nothing more to check on, since all she's been curious about are heartbeats. She heard them both, saw both of the babies, and then that was it. She was happy and content with the results, so then it was back to her video games... hahaha.
Once we were done with our ultrasound, Dr. B held out her hand for a hand shake and said, "Congratulations! You have officially graduated! Everything looks beautiful." I shook her hand and got all teary-eyed, again. lol We got our printed sono pics and then I went to get my new instructions about the progesterone injection. I'm so very happy to have a "last day" set!! I am to continue daily shots until Wednesday and then switch to every other day until Tuesday. Tuesday, of next week, will be my very last progesterone injection, for this pregnancy!!! Oh, praise God! :D
So, if saying "it was a great [or fantastic] day!" could really truly describe how amazing our day has been then it would be easy for everyone to understand how we've felt all day. But it's not. I honestly don't know how to say how amazing our day has been, other than "TODAY HAS BEEN AMAZING!!!". lol.
Here are some photos and video of today:
 |
| I've been meaning to get a picture of this. This is the sink in the restroom at our fertility clinic. ;) |
 |
| KJ checking out her siblings, which she has now nicknamed Teeny and Tiny! lol |
(the video was taken sideways -sorry. If you watch carefully, you can even see the little white flicker of the heart beating!)
 |
| Our beautiful babies! |
 |
| "Teeny" |
 |
| "Tiny" |
 |
| "Teeny and Tiny" together ♥ |
 |
| Proud daddy. :) |
 |
| Adding the new photos, of her siblings, in her "Big Sis In Training" photo album. |
November 9, 2012
6 week and 2 days: Our first ultrasound and sharing the news with KJ
I didn't sleep much at all (between getting up to tinkle every so often and my nerves and excitement of the appointment.
My alarm went off at 6:45am. I showered, woke kj up (she was in a great mood -yay!!), and got dressed. Chris woke up to get dressed as I got some breakfast items packed, for kj. We actually left on time and there wasn't any traffic! We arrived early; waiting was the worst! Every person that walked through the door caused me to turn my head and made my stomach turn, anticipating hearing my name, that it was our turn to go back. Kj stayed playing at the computer, as she usually does. Then, finally, I heard my name... Nerves, dry-mouth, nausea, and light-headedness all kicked in immediately. Lol I was sooooo extremely anxious and nervous.
It was Dr. A, the one who has been super rough the only two times I've seen him. I had prayed all night that he would be patient, not in a rush, sensitive to our excitement and nerves, and that he would be in a great mood to help us enjoy the very special moment... And what do you know? God is awesome!!! Dr. A was all of those things plus more! :) He asked me how I was and I told him "Super anxious and excited...I've been so extremely nauseous all morning." He said that he was excited too and was glad to hear that I was nauseous, because its a good sign (lol). So, we got started and I had my phone ready, to record "the moment". As soon as we started, I knew what I was looking at. Two dark spots...TWO... He asked me "Okay, so, what do you see?" And I just replied "I see two?" He confirmed that I was correct and I just cried and said "Thank you Jesus!". I was so calm and happy...so extremely grateful for getting to have that very moment. I couldn't see Chris's reaction or expression because he was sitting next to the doctor (doc was between us, standing at machine). I really wish I could have seen his expression... I'll never know what that moment looked like. And he's not one that will really express it in words.
Dr. A, unfortunately did not zoom in very much on the babies. He just confirmed that there were two yolk sacs and that everything looked great so far. I reeeeeally wish he would have zoomed in to see if we could see the flickering heartbeats. He said we won't know anything about the heart beats until another two weeks. (What a long time to wait to confirm heart beats.). Dr. A also strongly suggested NOT sharing the news just yet, until we confirmed heartbeats, in two weeks. However, in the very beginning, we had already decide to share our entire IVF journey -good and/or bad, no matter what happened along the way. So, we are sticking with our decision. Dr. A said if we shared too early, there's still a chance we could go from two babies down to just one and that we wouldn't want to have to explain what happened, to everyone we had already shared the news with. But we don't have a problem sharing anything. This journey is incredibly unique -with a lot of amazing moments. This is one of them! If anything changes in the next two weeks, we will still be so thankful that we were able to experience seeing two beautiful little lives forming today. Every single moment is a memory along the way -why keep it to ourselves?! Right now, we have two little lives growing, and right now, we are incredibly grateful and excited! We are takin this one step at a time... Enjoying every moment and remembering that each day is a gift from God.
Sharing the news with KJ:
Remember how I mentioned, a few posts back, that KJ didn't want to know if we were pregnant until after the first sonogram? Well, we've been doing our best to keep the pregnancy hush-hush around KJ. We have been anxiously waiting for our first sonogram, praying we'd see little bitty ones growing, so we could finally share the news with KJ.
We finally made it!
We rushed to Babies R Us, hoping to find a "big sister" card or frame. (Yes, we should have already had something, but I just wasn't ready to buy anything like that until I knew for sure there was something really growing in there -lol.). We didn't find anything. We rushed to HEB. We had to "rush" because we were planning on dropping by to surprise my parents at their house, before Chris had to head back to work. Chris ran in and was able to find a card.
When we got to my parents' house, we gave KJ her card. We asked her to read it out loud...
She read the card and quickly responded with "You're pregnant?!" and then we hugged for a really long time, and I cried and cried. It was an amazing moment.
For the rest of the day, she would be totally fine and okay and then, out of nowhere, she would squeal again, saying "I can't believe I'm going to be a big sister!" or "I can't believe that you're actually pregnant!" —and she kept her card close by and would look at it often. :)
I finally don't have to be hush hush, in my own home, about this exciting part of our lives —but it takes some getting used to. I've been quiet for three weeks so it actually still feels like I'm not supposed to be saying anything out loud. haha I will admit, things FINALLY feel real now... I'm actually pregnant... this is real!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeehee hee!!! Praise God! Thank you Jesus!
:)
 |
| KJ, with her bunny, playing at the computer. |
It was Dr. A, the one who has been super rough the only two times I've seen him. I had prayed all night that he would be patient, not in a rush, sensitive to our excitement and nerves, and that he would be in a great mood to help us enjoy the very special moment... And what do you know? God is awesome!!! Dr. A was all of those things plus more! :) He asked me how I was and I told him "Super anxious and excited...I've been so extremely nauseous all morning." He said that he was excited too and was glad to hear that I was nauseous, because its a good sign (lol). So, we got started and I had my phone ready, to record "the moment". As soon as we started, I knew what I was looking at. Two dark spots...TWO... He asked me "Okay, so, what do you see?" And I just replied "I see two?" He confirmed that I was correct and I just cried and said "Thank you Jesus!". I was so calm and happy...so extremely grateful for getting to have that very moment. I couldn't see Chris's reaction or expression because he was sitting next to the doctor (doc was between us, standing at machine). I really wish I could have seen his expression... I'll never know what that moment looked like. And he's not one that will really express it in words.
Sharing the news with KJ:
Remember how I mentioned, a few posts back, that KJ didn't want to know if we were pregnant until after the first sonogram? Well, we've been doing our best to keep the pregnancy hush-hush around KJ. We have been anxiously waiting for our first sonogram, praying we'd see little bitty ones growing, so we could finally share the news with KJ.
We finally made it!
We rushed to Babies R Us, hoping to find a "big sister" card or frame. (Yes, we should have already had something, but I just wasn't ready to buy anything like that until I knew for sure there was something really growing in there -lol.). We didn't find anything. We rushed to HEB. We had to "rush" because we were planning on dropping by to surprise my parents at their house, before Chris had to head back to work. Chris ran in and was able to find a card.
When we got to my parents' house, we gave KJ her card. We asked her to read it out loud...
I finally don't have to be hush hush, in my own home, about this exciting part of our lives —but it takes some getting used to. I've been quiet for three weeks so it actually still feels like I'm not supposed to be saying anything out loud. haha I will admit, things FINALLY feel real now... I'm actually pregnant... this is real!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeehee hee!!! Praise God! Thank you Jesus!
:)
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