endo, endo, go away! —don't come back another day. (hpt #4)

I'm sitting up in bed, waiting for the Lortab to take over...  I only took half.  I hadn't needed any pain meds since January 15th (give or take a day or two) —since I started on Lupron .  However, I've been off of Lupron, by choice, while we ttc, since mid April.  Everything had been going really well, until . . . two nights, or so ago, the endo pains got so horrible that I actually gave in to the pain meds again. :(  (I only took half, since I had been off of them for so long and it worked within 30 mins or so.)

I started to notice the endo symptoms returning about a week and a half ago.  Normally it doesn't take long at all before it gets miserably out of control.  :(  (in the past, from the time that the pains would start daily, it would only take about two weeks until the pain was present 24/7 even with pain meds —until I would hear the words from my doc, "I'll schedule you for surgery...".  This happened 3 times in a year and a half.

I'm praying for a miracle this time around.  I want to continue ttc (trying to conceive).  I want to NOT need Lupron.  I want to NOT need another surgery.  I want to do my regular activities and NOT end up temporarily crippled from endo pain.  I want to go on feeling this "normal" feeling I had been feeling up until a week and a half ago.  I could sneeze and not feel any pain.  I could lift my daughter and not feel any pain.  I could get up from sitting and not feel pain.  I was LIVING without pain.

I told Chris, last night, "well, it was amazing while it lasted.  At least I was able to experience 5 WHOLE months of being pain free..." (almost two months was while I was off Lupron treatmenst!).  I don't miss Lortab and the side affects that come along with taking it.  I don't want to end ttc because of endo!  The thought alone makes me want to cry.

Speaking of "cry".  I cried this morning.  I took HPT (home pregnancy test) #4 and it was another big fat negative.  :(  It really had my hopes up though.  Normally it absorbs super quickly and evenly.  This morning, it absorbed at the speed of a snail AND the color streaked/dragged across the strip and I had my hopes up that it was going to leave the first 'mark' at the 'positive' side.  Instead, it just creeped its way allllllll the way past the positive, straight to the negative line.  I waited the full ten minutes, as the instructions clearly state.  However, at the ten minutes, any hope for that first pink line (the "positive" line) was gone —it was bone-white.

I crawled back into bed, snuggled with Chris, and cried in his arms.  It's the first time, since trying, in 2010, that I allowed myself to cry (that I allowed myself to feel anything...).  I told him "I'm so sad, hun."  He said "I'm sorry, honey." and he just held me.  I couldn't have asked for a better response/reaction from him.  I sobbed, prayed, and did my best to put my heart back in God's hands (along with my hopes, dreams, and deepest desires).  It made today really tough for me.  I cried for a lot of silly little things, including passing up the baby section at Walmart tonight...

So, if you will please, keep my in prayer.  It seems to be a tad bit harder to keep my focus on staying positive —no matter the outcome, the fact that I believe, from the bottom of my heart, with all that I am, that God's plan for me is much, much, greater than I could ever imagine. —wether I remain a 'mother of one' or whether I am blessed beyond belief to be a 'mother of two'...



On a much positive note:  We have really enjoyed Chris's vacation time!!  (pics coming soon)  He goes back to work tomorrow and we are just so thankful to have had 10 days to spend together.  :)  We are so blessed to be celebrating 8 years of marriage!! (technically 'today', since I'm typing this after midnight, 7/6/10)

July 6, 2002

  

8 years later

Thank you for reading!  (and your support, kind words, and prayers)
Michelle