One hour.

I just experienced my first hour away -all by myself. No nursing baby, and no talkative 9yr old. 

Since the twins were born, I've been alone with Elly several times. I've also had one time alone with Kj (I took her down the street for a hair cut). I had never gone anywhere kid-free...in well over 6 months!

Now, I didn't do anything extravagant.  I traveled 10 minutes away to purchased some cloth dipes from another momma (that I met for the first time when I arrived at her house).  I was only gone for an hour. 

Everything felt strangely normal, at first.  Probably because I was rushing to leave the house, as I normally am these days.  Then, driving there, I was so focused on directions, I didn't have much time to think about being alone.  Once I arrived, I had to check all the dipes and decide on what I was going to buy.  Again, my mind stayed very occupied.  *what did feel strange, though, was when I was in conversation and I would say "my son" or "baby girl".  I felt like I did before I had them and that I was making it up and telling stories. Haha!  I didn't have my babies there with me, so I felt like they were just all in my head. 

Once I started realizing how much time had passed, and I knew Elly would be needing to nurse soon, I started feeling extremely anxious and scatterbrained. The other mom might have felt like I had multiple personalities!  All of a sudden, I couldn't think straight.  I didn't remember how to function on my own. I think I kept repeating myself too. Haha!

I called Chris on my way home. I was sure I would hear Elly screaming over the phone. Silence. That's all I heard. Chris told me that he bathed Elly and then she fell asleep in his arms.  (Awww!)

I got home a few minutes later and was so relieved to see a calm and happy home. 

I stuffed my face with whatever I could find (because I hadn't had a chance to eat all day!) and I made something for Kj to eat --because Chris did a great job with all three kiddos; but apparently I wasn't gone long enough for him to get a chance to practice cooking AND hanging out with the kiddos. ;)

It was SO refreshing being out, even though it was just for an hour.  It was like a "reset" button... Wiping the slate clean... Starting fresh. 

I really need to do this more often!

Ps. Yes, I reeeeeeeally missed my babies while I was gone!!

Still searching.

Broken.

Broken down.

Fixable.  But currently in a state of needing repair.

That's how I currently feel.

I'm tired...Exhausted... drained to the last drop  --Physically, emotionally, mentally... is there any other way to feel so broken; if so, add it to the list.

Earlier today, I did the only thing I know to do when I feel this broken.  I blasted the worship music throughout the house, closed my eyes, lifted my hands, and sang my heart out.  What a release I felt!  Wow.  God has never left me.  He's here --holding me and carrying me through.
*I was so desperate for some "me and God time" I forced it:  KJ was at the table, 8 ft away, doing schoolwork.  Liam was on the floor napping, 2 ft away.  And Elly was only centimeters away from the back of my neck, hanging out in the Boba.

I'm so very, very, thankful for the life I have.  I have three beautiful blessings and a hard-working husband.  However, it seems as though I'm still trying to figure out how to balance everything.  I'm not sure how to find that perfect balance.  Does it even exist?  Or is that what life is --searching and readjusting, constantly, and making the best of everything along the way?  Because, just when you think you have it . . . BAM!  Everything changes and it's time to start all over again.

 I feel like I suddenly have a thousand and one things on my plate and it's finally weighing me down...  I try not to complain (Chris might feel differently about this. Ha!) and I really try to stay loving and positive in all situations.  But, seriously, can I get some 'Personal Time Off' or 'Vacation Time' -even if only for an hour or two?  (I don't even know what I would do IF I had some 'time off' but laying still, staring at the ceiling, without a SINGLE interruption, really would feel like a mini vacation!)  In this new chapter of life, I either need amazing strength to continue pushing through; or I need to figure out a positive and loving way to get everyone on board and pull some more weight around here.  Or I'm afraid I just might seriously crash and burn very soon.  Hm, maybe a little of both?!

You know, I had always heard how going from one child to two children is the hardest adjustment and then adding a third is so easy.  But what about going straight from one child to three children?  Is there some kind of crash course, or Cliff Notes, for this kind of transition?!  Can't we just eat out or order-in for every meal?  Oh, and let's throw in house cleaning services while we're at it!  Wait, do they include laundry services too?

What's your household and family flow like?  Do you have any tips/solutions that you've learned along the way?  I'm sure it could save me some weeks, months, and even years, of trial and error!